shouting at ghosts pt 3.

i still love you. it's been three years i should have moved past it moved on somehow but i can't. it hurts the same today as it did on the day you died. theres a hole where my heart used to be, before it was ripped from me, and it gets bigger everyday i ve to live on this wretched planet without you. you were my heart and soul, and now with you gone i feel so lost and alone. no one nows just what goes on with me. i spend my days pretending i got through it, pretending i'm happy, and i spend my nights crying myself to sleep as i give in to the pain that is all i really feel anymore. i made the biggest mistake of my life when i walked away from us, and that mistake cost me you forever. mel and i were talking the other night, she told me you called and talked to herthree days before the accident and you asked her if i was happy. she said she told you i was, but i wasn't she just couldn't see past the mask, i tried to be happy but i couldn't be not without you. If you'd h\ave been tlking to me i'd have told you. i thought you'd moved on, you were with bobbie-jo and you seemed happy but looking back now i know better. even in pictures you can see that you smile never touched the saddness in your eyes just like mine will never touch the sadness in mine. my soul aches everyday, and every night my restless mind relives the handful of memories i have of me and you. over and over i watch as we fall in love and i break your heart, t kills me to think that if i had just waited it would have been diffrent. we'd be together now. and happy . but i'm stuck here waiting for the end. in pain it's not fucking fair, all i want is you day in and day out even if i could justsee you smile, hear you laugh, hold you for just one minute but your gone and i'll never ever be able to tell you how i feel in my life. and even after i know i won't you were too pure to not end up upstairs and me well i've done so much fucked up shit that sometimes i wonder if hell will even want me. i love you so much even still, you were my soul mate and now that your gone i dont know which way is up and which is down. i'm so lot without you. i beg for death every day because i know it would be better than the hell im in. it's a wonder i've lasted this long. i can't take another day without you, it hurts so much. i'm scared to death i'm going to break down and no one will be able to save me, but at the same time i don't want to be saved i just want to let go and be with you even if it means giving everything up and letting down everyone i've ever loved. just to have one moment with you before they take me away to hell. i'd give it all up. i'm so sorry. i never meant to hurt you, or anyone for that matter. but you loved me for who i was and now that your gone i don't even know if i exist anymore at least not the me that i was. i love you nick!!! don't ever ever forget that.