Old Rant #3 - Boys

It's not a question of love because I know a boy like that could never sweep me off my feet, but I feel like I’ve used and been used like I’ve taken advantage over a state or like I got my hopes up over new people, new experiences; like I felt liked, so I played on it and tried to get more but kept getting less. And I say to myself what a drunk person says is what they are really thinking and that I know him so well but in the back of my head I know I don’t know him at all and he’s been seeing a shaved down, spiced up version of myself and I can’t help but feel ditched when one day he walks away and the next he cares, but I want to say I’m stronger than that and it sound so needy and stupid. And I know I’m not attracted to him, and it’s no crush. I guess I just got high on the way he looked up to me and cared, and I let it go to my head and I couldn’t see through the blinds. I guess I’ve learned my lesson- don’t let yourself go when dealing with people because I will always get disappointed because I get excited and the fact that I dream gets to me…but another thing gets to me…is that how love is? Not to compare it to this at all – but will I ever be able to love? To let go of nagging and strings that hold me down? And if I don’t, will that make me a weak and scared person?

I feel so dysfunctional.
Mid-life crisis.