Okay. Fellow Mibbians, this was written on Myspace, so you don't know some of the people/things mentioned.
Trish = my best friend.
Colin = the love of my life, still very much a best friend.
Colorado Springs Conservatory = a musical learning center. i used to attend.
Mkkay we're all set. Ready, set, read!
I have caught the crying disease. I don't know who I got it from [possibly Trish] but I have it now and that's all that matters. And it's horrible. Sometimes I feel like I'm so full of emotion that I'll be close to crying for no reason. This isn't the way things work, yes?
I know I miss Colin. That can account for one reason. I miss him so much sometimes that all I can do is lay down and hold something that makes me think of him. Yea right, like that's enough. I need him near me, holding me, telling me that everything will be okay.
My life is such chaos right now. No one can see that, but it's true. And it all came crashing down on me at light speed. First it was my room. Right now my dad is trying to finish my room, so he moved every single fucking thing out of there. It's depressing walking into my room because it's so empty. I'd like to curl up on the floor where my bed should be. So now I'm living in the den, sleeping on the couch. I've been living out of my suitcase ever since I got back from Illinois. I haven't washed my clothes, just been finding something to wear. I don't know where my other clothes are, I only have about six sets of stuff from Illinois. Every morning I wake up with a pain in my back because I have back problems, but there's nothing I can do. It's not like I can magically make the couch more comfortable. And I usually wake up to the sound of something pounding on the other side of my wall. This would be because the den is where our big t.v. and ps2 is, so my brothers are constantly down here. If I'm not up when they would like me to be then they commence with the 'let's wake Kiera up by running up and down the stairs with clogs on our feet' plan. And I'm using my dad's computer. I sound like a pampered little bitch and this isn't the most important thing on the list, but it's still relevant. I miss my computer, Quinn. My dad tucked it away somewhere until I can set it back up in my room when it's finished. Which, by the way, is going to take about a month. Yay, I'll be living out of a suitcase when I start school. Ideal much?
Next was the homework. I should have done this a while ago, but I'm the biggest procrastinator you'll ever find. So yea, this is my fault, but it still sucks. I have summer homework for AP Euro History. I did the movie-watching half of it a couple days ago, and now I have to read a book and keep a book log. The log must have six entries, each about a half a page to a page long. And I have to find fifteen vocab words and do an extensive list of shit with those. Oh joy.
The biggest one on the list I guess would have to be what I want to be when I grow up. Everyone is putting so much pressure on kids these days, telling them that they'll never amount to anything if they don't pick a profession, get their GED, go to college, get married, have babies, buy and expensive car, the list goes on. I'm so fucking sick of this. I don't know what I want to be when I 'grow up'! I'm fifteen! First I wanted to be a ballerina, then a singer, then a broadway star, then a rockstar, then a writer, then a bartender, then a crime scene photographer, then a freelance photographer...now I don't know what to be. I sang a little while I was in Illinois...and I liked it. I missed it. And tonight I saw a bunch of people that I used to know from the Colorado Springs Conservatory...that was hard. Because I used to be good friends with those kids, and I was well known among them. I was 'the girl who's going to be famous'. Because of my voice. I'm not trying to be conceited, but I will admit to being talented in the vocal department. It's so weird, because I just...dropped-singing. Now I'm not sure why. Maybe a little bit was in spite of my parents, maybe not. I know that around that time I was going through that intense 'emo phase' that I had. Could that have been it? I'm not sure. And quitting the Conservatory wasn't even my idea to begin with. My parents took me out because we didn't have the money. Now my mother is so desperate for me to sing again that she'll deny the fact that we don't have the money we need for me to attend. Hell, I'm sure she would rob a bank if it meant letting me sing again. I just-ah. I saw Colin up on the stage, along with a couple other people I knew, and I was...jealous. Maybe that's the word. I remember what it was like, singing, dancing, acting, memorizing lines, committing myself to countless hours of hard work...it's not like it's easy, but I remember it being really fun, even when I was completely stressed out. And at the end of it all I would always wind up with a new friend or two. The musical industry, no matter what part of it you're in...it's pretty amazing.
So now I'm at a loss. I kind of want to get back into the swing of things, but then again I'm way too stubborn to let my parents [or anyone else for that matter] have the satisfaction of watching me get back up onto that stage. I know that's horrible, just deal with me. I was thinking that I could possibly be in the school's musical this year. Ryan's threatening to slit my throat anyway if I don't. I know I'd be good at it. I just-I don't know. I'm kind of at a moot point. With everything, not just all this musical shit. So here's the deal: I need everyone's help. This is my first time talking about this to anyone [even Trish or Colin] let alone just posting it publicly for everyone to see. This is hard for me. I'm a very very very stubborn person. So please leave comments telling me what to do. Goddess knows I need the help.
I'm Either Wendy or Peter, You Tell Me.
July 24th, 2008 at 09:12am