I Can't Handle It!

It's all getting too much now. Ben died. Now Ryan has killed himself. The two main guys in my life. I was so close to them both. I trusted them with everything I've ever had. I miss them so much. My life has gone to the shit without them. I've started self harming again. I only stopped because I promised Ryan. But I feel worse for betraying his trust. But I'm lost. I'm lonely. And I'm confused. I don't know who to turn to. I want them back. I need them back! I'm fed up of my life. I hate it. I hate myself. My family hate me. They're all homophobic. I can't do anything right around them anymore. Nothing I do is good enough. My dad is making me break up with my current boyfriend. Because he is 'too old'! Three fucking years! So what? I just want to break down and die. I feel like a dickwad. I have to break up with Craig now. And I think I like this other guy Ben. But it's confusing because of Ben.... Ben died but thne there's this Ben. He's so nice, so sweet, so caring, everything that I wish I could be. And on top of it all, we are so similar.. And he likes me. I don't know what to do though. It's all too much. I can't handle it! I want to escape from it all. I put on fake smiles. Apart from when I'm around Ben. Ben makes me smiles my real smile. He is so nice, let alone sexy! He's exactly like other Ben. I think I could actually love him. I trust him. And with me, that's hard to do. I have trust issues. And I'm basically a problem child in some people's eyes. There is so much wrong with me. But he manages to see past all of that and can see the real me that I want people to see. He is so special. I wish I was good enough for him. He reckons I am, but I'm not sure. I don't see myself as anywhere near good enough for someone like him. I have practically no self-esteem, I'm paranoid, insecure and I have trust and anger problems.

Well.... I feel better for getting all of that out. But I still feel like something is bugging me. =/

Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read my stupid, irrelevant ramblings about my not-so-good life.. (:

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