I used to be healthy.

I am the most self righteous, dependent person you will ever meet. I hate asking for help, I always think I'm right, and I don't let anyone in. I've always fixed everything myself. I've cleaned up the blood stains from the fights and torment of my youth, I've held the people closest to me while they cried, I stopped destroying myself cut by cut all by myself. I'm no where near better, but I have not cut since December of 2007, with no ones help but my own.

I thought that no one could be my hero. I was not ready to be some dumb ass damsel in distress. Happiness was a state of mind, I told myself, and no one could bring me there but ME.

In November of 2007 I was a vegetarian. I wasn't eating very healthy, and I put on some weight. I've never been skinny. People always tell me I'm skinny and I hate it, because I'm NOT! I'm not obese or anything, I'm just fully aware that I have some extra flab. During this period, I was really sad. I was cutting constantly, longer and deeper then before. My guidance counselor, teachers, and friends and family were all aware of how sad I was, I couldn't concentrate on anything but my misery. I felt guilty, I felt like I was missing something. So I turned to food. I ate a lot. I didn't even bother chewing, and I was always the first one done although I had the most. I'd sit there, feeling it in me and I just wanted to dig a hole and die in it. Stay in it forever. So I threw it up. I kept on doing this in secret, afraid that someone would think I was a bulimic. I didn't want people trying to help me. It disgusted me. I hated all the them and wanted nothing to do with them .They were all bad, worthless people in my mind. So I kept them out. I yelled at them and I even physically hurt a few.

I couldn't and still can't sleep well. At first, I thought it was because of my guilty conscience. I was convinced I was going insane, I was hearing voices at night. If I'm lucky I'll get 5 hours of sleep a night. I'm always exhausted, I'm always cranky. My period is on hiatus. I haven't had my period since this started. That's 9 fucking months. I've been pmsing for 9 mother-fucking months. I'm no longer fertile.

Then the urinary infections started. Before that year, I hadn't skipped a day of school in half a decade. I thought it was weird I couldn't pee and that it hurt when I did, but I ignored it. During Christmas break I couldn't go out. I was constantly drinking water, trying to get my body to recycle again. Do you know how much water I have to drink every day now? Just so I can pee. When I wasn't throwing up I was making myself shit. I know, it's disgusting.

I started to become weaker. I was, and still relatively am a very strong woman. That's just how I'm built. I can't do things I used to be able to do. When I work out now I get tired easily. Does that stop me? No.

My mouth is bleeding all the time. I don't know what's going on, maybe it's the acids in the throw up affecting my gums. Every time I eat I can't have more then three bites without getting queasy. My friends all tell me I always look like I'm going to throw up, and sometimes I'll even binge and throw up right in front of them, because I can't control it!

I've TRIED stopping. I don't want my teeth to rot. I don't want my stomach to explode. I don't want to be in a constant state of diarrhea, and lack of peeing. I don't want my hair to start falling out again!

But I CAN'T STOP! I'm trying so hard. I make it harder for myself to throw up by not eating as much. I tried diet pills. I tried drinking water after everything. I tried working out instead of binging. Sure, I've made it harder to throw up and I don't do it every day, but I do it more then two times a week. If you do it twice a week for three months, you're a bulimic. I was doing it for 9 months, sometimes twice a DAY! I don't want to be a mental case anymore. I don't want to go to some stupid hospital but I need help.

Now that I need help, I can't get it. I've been pushing people away for so long that I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to throw away my dignity.
I have to much damn pride, and I'm slowly killing myself with it.