A Note To The Damned

I was thinking the other night, and I just felt that I needed to share this with people and hope, that maybe one person, just one would learn from it and be helped.

I would say my best thinking is right before I fall asleep, it's when I'm at peace and when most open-minded. So last night what I thought of was my Dad. Now this man is not a super hero, he has not been the most successful man in business. He is a simple man that gets up in the morning, works 9 to 5 and has a regular family, with a wife and 3 daughters. He complains a lot and swears. I've seen him drunk a couple times and I've seen him depressed. But some how in the end, this man is my inspiration of life and my string to keep hold of. He is the man that would always award you a pat on the back when you've done good. The man to give you a hug when you've missed him. The man to tell you, you have a stain on your shirt before you leave for school, and always chimes "Have a good day babe" when I walk out the door. The man that showed me how fun it was to ride on a motorcycle and showed me you can fix just about anything with a drill and some screws. The man i came crying to whenever I took off my ken doll's leg by accident and the one that would make sure to pack me a ham sandwich and my baby blanket and race me to my babysitter for the day. And the man that quite possibly saved my life without knowing it.

A while back there, I thought about ending my life quite frequently. But whenever the thoughts started, I would think of all my friends, and thought they could live on without me, my sisters, they would of course be devastated, but would carry on, but the one thought that made me stop in my tracks of thinking and bawl my eyes out and I immediately thought "I'm staying here" was my father. I have never in my whole life of almost 16 years seen this man cry once. Not when his mother died, not when his mother died. This man has had his foot ran over by his best friend and went to California on it, almost died on his motorcycle, and everything in between. But none of this made him cry. Oh he got angry of course, all the time. In fact you could guess what his exact reaction would be when you did something. But I've never seen him madder then when his daughters are in danger. I've seen this man take a chair that i fell off of and throw it down the stairs because I was crying and he couldn't get to me, I've seen him get pissed at himself because I sprained my wrist helping to lift a damn wardrobe off of him. So of course the one thought that would make me stop thinking about ending my life, was the one though of my father at my funeral, crying. Because he lost one of the most precious things he's ever had in his existence, to something senseless, to something I could fix, to something that I could get help for if I needed. This incredibly strong man, crying, because it was the only thing he ever needed to cry about, and at the exact minute I knew I was staying here, for him.

This man continues to be my inspiration for living, and for doing things I love, for my art, for breathing. Because thinking of him is the one realization I have that someone cares about me. That someone cares enough of me to be willing to do anything and everything for me. To get so angry when I'm hurt. To know i would be destroying someone so much if I took this step.

So this isn't just a story of my Dad, this is about what saved me and what can hopefully save you. I don't mean my dad, or your dad. But think, think so hardly that you're brain melts to mush. Is there one single person, not even person, one single organism that you could destroy just by leaving them, by leaving this world? If the answer is yes, even one single thing. Even one single animal, or friend, or teacher, or parent, or sibling, or anything. Then you can't leave. You have to stay for them. Get help, for them. Look at them and know that there is something you love so much and you would destroy them if you left. Know that you can get help, that you can save yourself, if not for you, for this one thing that needs you. Because chances are as much as they need you, you need them, and there is you're reason for staying right there. You have something that cares about you. You have something to stay for. You can heal, as long as you know you're cared about. And that is a life lesson I will always keep with me.