three lessons on trust&forgiveness

its amazing how differently you see someone after you know a certain something about them you really shouldn’t.

i wish i didnt read it&find out who it was because i saw it with my own eyes today&when you turned around i pretended to not see what i saw but i cant erase the fact that i did.

you cant do that. and you shouldnt to anyone…they both care about you so much&you probably realize what you’re doing but you cant help it or stop yourself. but its just so sad to see it with my own eyes&it doesnt even stop there. i heard you talking about it too&i also shouldnt have heard that. but what was i supposed to do? i was in the middle of a conversation with him&you just start spilling out your secrets to him about your secret situation while im still standing next to him. i wish i didnt hear what you said, either.

for a second i was kind of happy to see you so happy with him, but then after he leaves the guy you should feel this happy about comes up to you&he seems to like you so much&it’s so sad to just look at him&know he has no idea what’s going on&looking back at what i saw today makes me think about how i dont want to ever get myself into a situation like this.

but im scared that im starting to. i shouldnt&everyday i tell myself im going to be a horrible horrible person if i ever do. in a way, this is the exact same thing because one of you makes me so happy&the second one makes me smile when i shouldn’t. because if the one that makes me happy finds out…no im just not even going to go there at all because that would hurt you so much and its not worth a friendship.

this needs to stop.

&today he tapped me&played with my hair. after three months of giving each other the cold shoulder&ignoring each other even when our arms are touching, you looked me in the eye&made contact with me.

does this mean you’ve forgiven me for all the things i’ve done these past few months&when you touched me, i honestly felt good about it. not that i’d ever like you again, but it felt good to not be disgusted by you 24/7 anymore. its nice to feel like we’ve both forgiven each other&maybe a friendship could rebuild possibly ? we used to be so close&then all the sudden we’re just so cold to each other. somethings been missing these past three months&maybe it was our friendship. forgiveness.