I'm in a kick-ass mood.

I'm happy . Right now I have a killer headache, and I'm so tired but I can't sleep. But I'm still happy.

Why, you may ask?
Cause I friggin' WANT to be happy! Seriously, if you want to be happy enough, it will happen. I don't have any more reason to be happy now then I did when I was depressed a couple months back. Last night I got inspired.

I was watching television late last night, or early this morning, and the malnourished babies of Africa that are dying of hunger and aids came on the tv. I had one of those moments when you see something so horrifying that you don't want to see it, but you can't look away. By the end I was in hysterics, because although I consider myself a very selfless person that always gives thanks and doesn't take anything for granted, I am a frigging selfish brat compared to those babies. I shove food down my throat and throw it back up. i was disgusted and ashamed before this, but now I can't even begin to comprehend my self dislike for this trait of mine.

I know bulimia is a disease, but I wanted to fight it off my way. I've always had extremely strong antibodies, I've never been sick before excluding last school year. I figured if it was a disease I could get rid of it myself. I have amazing self control... but that's not enough for this. I still end up throwing up sometimes. It's not that I want to, it's that I NEED to. Last night I came to terms that I can't beat this disgusting disorder on my own. I need help.

I don't know how to ask my parents, but I'll be going to the doctor soon, so I'll tell my doctor. Hopefully she can get me help that isn't too extreme... I'm not very good at accepting helping hands. I do bite at them. I'll try not to bite so hard this time.