This has never happened before...

The strangest thing happened to me.

I had an awful nightmare, and when I woke up, I was sobbing hysterically. I couldn’t figure out why I was crying at 7am in the middle of summer. And the weirdest thing, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for an hour, and when I finally stopped crying, I remembered my dream.

It was my biggest fear, come to life in a dream. I didn’t even know how afraid I was until this dream.

I was in a safe house with my cousin, and we were waiting for the okay to leave, because something bad was happening. When we were able to leave the shelter, we walked to my house, and I realized why I was so scared: people were breaking into my house, people that were manipulative, and could get just what they wanted by force. I walked up to my front door, and the handle was broken off. I walked up the stairs and everything in the house was gone, all the furniture, everything. My dog was there, but it looked as though she had been mistreated. Except my bedroom was untouched. The worst part of all, they took my parents. My parents had left me letters telling me how much they loved me, and a plan for the rest of my life. What I would need to take care of myself. A passport. Grocery store coupons. Reminders to do laundry and feed myself. And they told me to never be afraid. I didn’t know if they were alive or dead, but they were gone, and they loved me. they sacrificed themselves, and it was the scariest thing I have ever felt. I’m not always fond of my parents, but I will never let a second go by without telling them I love them.

Anyway, when I got up this morning, I woke up crying uncontrollably. I think I had even been crying in my sleep. It was the strangest sensation, and today has just been awful. My parents want to know what’s wrong with me, and I can’t tell them about my dream. It just seems too weird. And all I can think about is how people I love can be gone at any second. If you’ve read my previous journal posts, you’ll know that a guy that I knew not very well died last week, which obviously isn’t helping my frame of mind. And today, after three months of not cutting, it happened again. I did it. I can’t believe it. I hate cutting, but I wasn’t able to help it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Ugh. It makes me sick. But I still do it. And I don’t exactly know why. It’s awful. And, again, if you’ve read my journal posts in the past, you’ll know that MCR is the reason that my heart is still beating. The reason I haven’t been cutting. For the first time in my life, they failed to help me today. I feel so shaken up, and so off balance. I feel so scared, and I’m not totally sure why. I think I discovered my worst fear, being left behind. And it scares me that that’s how it could be some day. I can’t explain it, but I’m terrified. I don’t like living with fear, and I’m very confused.

I don’t know what else to say. I just hope this feeling won’t last.