I think my heart just broke

My God, I feel absolutely 100% completely shit.
To the point, that putting on the DVD of Romeo & Juliet is less 'romantic fun' and more 'cheer me up with at least you're not them'

I was fine earlier today, when Kimberly was round.

Now. Not so fine.

In fact far from fine.

I'm surprised I've stopped weeping long enough to get this far with this journal entry.

And of course, when we get to the root of what's caused this unexpected bout of depression, there's only one person it could be. Andrew fucking Hill.

I love him so much that I hate him.

And that does make sense. Because I hate him for not choosing me. I hate him for picking her instead. I hate him for being honestly happy with her. I hate him for not loving me the way I want him to.

And I hate him because I've realised this fact.

I don't know if he's ever going to love me the way I want... no... NEED him to. And I say need, because it is a need. I need him, so badly, that I cry myself to sleep at night over him. I love him so much that it just continuously hurts.

I can't get over him. Not yet.

But today I did realise it.
The not loving me part.

I wonder if he loves me at all.