I Have No Idea What I'm Doing Anymore

I'm kind of... malfunctioning. A girl that used to go to my school, that was in my grade, died a few days ago, while I was on vacation. I didn't know her very well, but I had been going to school with her for three years. Reality just hasn't set in yet. I can't believe she's gone. It feels like a dream, or a joke. When I think about it, I get a weird sinking feeling. I just can't imagine her not being around. She was going to come back to my school in a year. And now she won't. I still can't comprehend it. I just... I think I need to go back to therapy.

I need to talk to someone, but I always feel like a loser when I do. Or I feel like they don't want me bitching and moaning about my life anymore. I know people who try to help me mean the best, but I don't want to bother people.

I can't stand this, I want to give up. I'm not myself. I've contorted myself into looking up to and copying men and women that I don't know, and I no longer can recognize myself. My clothing isn't mine, nor are my actions. My veiws are warped and my limbs are twisted, my hands are clenched around a ripped out heart that isn't mine.

I look in the mirror and I see the friendships I've drove to ruin and the love that I take for granted.

I'm a fuck up, but now I can admit it.