Interview with a Vampire: Abridged

This is a summary I wrote for my friend of the Book Interview with a Vampire and despite how stupid it sounds everything in this summary actually happens

The book is exactly what it suggests an interview with a vampire. The vampire in question is Louis who originally became a vampire back in New Orleans when America was fresh (yes like produce!) cause he was all: angst angst my brother is dead angst, and then came along Lestat who one night was like: RAWR I EATS YOUR BLOOD! Then Louis was suffering from mass blood loss and Lestat was like hey want to be a vampire and because it seemed a good idea at the time and when you're mortal vampires are so drop dead sexy you just want them to eat your neck, Louis said okay. At this point in time Anne Rice depicts a lovely passage of what it feels like to become a vampire it's really well written. It is so well written you could just die but you won't cause you want to read the rest

After he becomes a vampire Louis is all whiny because he doesn't want to kill people and drink their blood which is really the basis of being a vampire. Instead he gets really into his new vampire enhanced senses and decides to stare at things for much too long plus also instead of feeding off people he feeds off rats and Lestat is just sort of like: Louis I really really really like you and all but you're a whiny little pansy ass. Then Louis falls for some mortal chick but can't have her cause she thinks he's the spawn of the devil and Lestat tries to eat her brother (his blood at least) so then Louis becomes a pyro and keeps burning their houses cause it pisses off Lestat who continues to call Louis a whiny little pansy ass and kills whores in front of Louis as a way to mock him. After the killing of the whores Louis decides for no reason to drink an innocent five year old orphan girl's blood but then is like oh shit she's gonna die now so him and Lestat make her a vampire too (note that vampires never age so she is now five forever actually scratch that more like seven or eight). Then Lestat and Louis decide to play house Lestat gets to be the daddy because Louis is a whiny pansy ass and they spoil the child who's name is Claudia with lots of frilly dresses and dollies but then like all children Claudia grows up even though she still looks eight. Also like all children when they grow up they start to hate their parents but for some reason Claudia got stupid and only hates Lestat while she would rather screw Louis Senseless but can't because she's like eight and Louis is totally not into becoming a pedophile. Instead of screwing Louis she kills Lestat but here's the fun part...He comes back from the dead! you can only imagine this scared the shit out of Louis and Claudia so Louis burns down the house, Lestat included because he's a pyro and then they run off to Europe and spend some unexciting time in Germany and then finally they come to France which is secretly the vampire capitol of the world. There they meet a theatre troop of vampires who enjoy putting on morbid plays about vampires. The Troop Leader is Armand who secretly wants to get into Louis's pants Louis finds Armand very interesting and Claudia is mad jealous so she forces Louis to make her a new doll. When she says make her a new doll she means: turn this random lady I found into a vampire so I can play with her. So he does and then guess what...Lestat comes back from the Dead again! and all he wants is to take Louis and Claudia home but then something to do with this dude Santiago being a bastard and so yeah Claudia and her "doll" are killed by sunlight and Louis is trapped in a coffin for a bit but then he gets loose and once again goes pyro and burns down the theatre. Time passes nothing exciting. Louis finds Lestat is living in a La-Z-boy and then it comes back to the present where the dude interviewing Louis is all like kthanx bye...The End

...yeah this is really just meant to be a joke but feel free to share you thoughts on my horrible summarizing skills...XD