I Feel... Changed.

I had freshmen orientation yesterday. The day started out as one of those days where they pool all the freshmen together and have them play games with the upperclassmen. Soon after, we all split off into groups and played more little games. They had a similar orientation in middle school, so I figured this one would be just as pointless. But it wasn't.

Recently, I have been going through a lot of crap with my friends (or the ones I called my friends). It wasn't just the usual small riff that dissolves over time. This was the big one. The fight where one of us would lose it all. Apparently, I won. But I don't won't to win. I want to start over. I want new friends from all different groups or stereotypes. I want to be happy and fun to be around and just an all around great person. That is what I realized yesterday. I saw so many people that I have been friends with in the past and so many more that I could be friends with in the future. My old friends are just holding me back.

Take lunch for example. We walked into the cafeteria and saw old cliques forming already. So what do my friends do? They resort to cowering with all of their tight knit friends in the corner laughing at crude jokes all involving vaginas or something stupid. I want to be able to be comfortable in any group, unlike my friends, who are crude, rude and outcasts. I cannot handle being tied to them anymore.

All of these realizations hit me after lunch. First when the upperclassmen in my small group started talking about how their friends held them back at times and how they decided to break free of that and are happier because of it. Then at the closing assembly when the freshmen advisor was installing his last words of wisdom upon us before we began our journey towards high school. As cheesy as that sounds, every word they said at that orientation was right. I walked out of that gym with a new outlook on life.

I know how this might sound. I feel like I have to ditch all of my older friends to gain new ones and be happy. I don't want to ditch them. But I feel that if I don't, I will be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. Trust me, it's not like they've really done anything to better me over the two or three years we have been best friends. They’ve only made me feel worse. And I feel so stupid for only realizing that less than 24 hours ago.

So here I am, starting over. I’m determined not to let anything stop me. I can only hope that after all the crap they've put me through in the last month, things will start looking up for me.