Why Do I Have To Be Ashamed About My Own Feelings?

I came out to my mother back last April. My mother already in tears about me not doing that wonderfully in school, she asked me with the scariest look on her eyes why I didn't care and why I wasn't doing good anymore. My heart breaking at the look at her face, I sighed before deciding I can't keep my first love away from my own mother. Looking her straight in her eyes, my heart broke, "Mom... can I tell you a secret?"

I don't care what anyone says, coming out to my mother was the hardest thing I had to do in fear that she'd reject me. But why do I feel like I have to hide this from her?

I fell in love with this girl at the beginning of ninth grade. My fourteen year old stuck on the image of this beautifulgirl woman with the strongest and coolest personality I've ever seen, my eyes were stuck on her image. My heart beated faster whenever she was around. My feelings for her growing over my freshman year (the school I went to during freshman year was super anti-discimintory, and non- cliquish so you could be yourself and not have to fear about behind prosecuted. Yes, schools like this actually exsis), I found out more about myself that year than I've evern known.

Gaining friends that didn't see me as this weird math/science dork (Who is only 5 foot 1, liked science, wore black band T's and bright purple bows in her hair), I felt more relaxed about myself during that year than I ever had before.

And among this year of realizing my love for math and science, learning new things about myself and about how other people weren't always so cruel... I fell in love.

Finding out that she had a girlfriend around Valentine's day, I remember checking out of school because I was so upset. Anna looked so happy. Going home and just crashing into my bed, I remember crying at the thought of Anna and her together. She didn't deserve Anna. I remember we had a school assembly the day before and, of course, Anna sat next to me and so did her girlfriend. Her girlfriend wouldn't even hold Anna's hand. Watching her with disgust yet being unable to turn my eyes away from Anna, my heart broke at the thought that Anna wasn't getting treated well.

But they broke up in April and the Day Of Silence came and went, I did it and waiting for my mom to come up, Anna walked over and talked to me. I got to hug her; I never loved hugging anyone as much as her. Her warm arms around me, her beautiful smile... my heart sped up so quickly. Telling me that her and her girlfriend broke up, I immediatly held her again.. (well okay, I nearly spat out "REALLY?!" with a smile on my face but withheld the smile and the cheers that I wanted to give out....) she hugged me back, I love her arms around me.

Long story short: we got together, she gave me my first kiss, made me believe that I had a real chance at being with someone for the first time in my life... and then stopped hanging out around me. She broke my heart. Telling me that she was already seeing someone else, there was an overlap between when she got her new girlfriend and when she was seeing me, and that she didn't want to be my first girlfriend in fear that she'd mess up, I went into depression.

It took me a whole fucking year to get over her and now I talk to her and she's not even that happy! It kills me that Anna asks these girls out and then these girls just stand her up and treat her awfully... It breaks my heart even more.

Going into a depression when I entered 10th grade, my grades were low, my self-esteem was low, I had the highest apathy, I became hard. Finally finding a good time to tell my mother, my heart broke slightly more when she told me that "Even though it's against her religion, she would still support me if I was truly gay."

Gee thanks mom.

But between Anna and mine almost relationship to the time when I told my mother, I was so scared. Was what me and Anna were doing were wrong? Would my mother hate me? Would my father's side of the family ever talk to me again if I come out? My heart bursting from not telling anyone, and having the fear of rejection in my heart, I finally broke down and tell her.

But why do i have to be scared to tell anyone? I was fourteen, I was young and I fell in love. If it was a boy, my mother would have been estatic and I wouldn't have to hide my feelings. I fell in love, isn't that the thing that every one strive for? To find someone so amazing and fall in love? I just happened to fall in love for a girl. I've fallen for other girls after Anna. I dream of women, I dream of kissing them, holding them, telling them I love them... I'm gay.

And yet I have to hide what Anna did to me while my sister, who is now just twelve, had her first middle school boyfriend who used her as well but she got more sympathy.

Um, hello? I had the same thing happen to me, infact I had more heart break than her, but she got the more sympathy. It doesn't make sense, it's so stupid, so idiotic. I fell in love, my sister didn't even like her boyfriend! And yet she got my mother saying that she was going to blow up whatever the heck his name was while when I told my mother about Anna, she just fell silent and won't even give me a responce when I want to bring the topic up.

Is my sister's heterosexuality really more supieror to my homosexuality?

I think it stinks that we live in a world were gay teens are thrown out of their houses for admitting to their parents who they really are. Maybe I got lucky that my mother just avoids the fact that I'm a lesbian because she doesn't want to face it than one that just doesn't want to think of the possibility at all and throws me out of the house. It's just not fair.

When I found out that Anna was dating this other girl right under my nose, I wasn't spiteful. I loved her, I truly did. I wanted to tell her, "Your happiness means the world to me. I want you to be happy, forget about me and my wish to be with someone, find someone you're happy with..."

It's just not fair. Has anyone watched Ellen? Do you remember when Ellen Degeneres came out of the closet? In the Puppy Episode - the name of the episode when she comes out - my heart breaks at her speech before she comes out to Susan.

"Why can't I just say the word? Why do I have to be ashamed of who I am? Why can't I just admit to myself who I am?"

I'm tired of having to hide my feelings. I want to burst, wear rainbows and meet a lesbian near me. I'm tired of being alone and not accepted. Having to hide the fact that I have been kissed, that I have felt something tremendous for someone... and yet I can't tell anyone if I find someone so amazing because who I fell for was and probably for now on will be with women.

How messed up is that?