I'm at a high school where I have found myself.
I'm in ROTC, I'm on drill team. I'm planning on joining writer's club, as well.
Only problem... I've got one of the stupidest cases of depression.
I very easily fit into the category of "emo". Not only because of my haircut, my choice of clothing, or my rather frightening grip on the english vocabulary put me in this group.
About once, maybe twice a month... I have a break down. I can't predict when it happens. Usually immediately following something painful.
The first one I can remember, I was in the 7th grade. 7th? 7th or 8th. I was at the Junior High. Laughing so hard with my friends that tears streamed down my face. Then suddenly I burst into pained tears, and all the sorrow that had been trapped inside just escaped. I think I sobbed into my arms, friends' comforting hands on my back, for over half an hour.
I didn't understand at the time, but I have a very hard time staying happy. Other people don't realize it. I'm just the crazy girl that jumps around in her bright, oddly patterned clothes, making other people laugh and glance at her like she have lobsters crawling out of her ears.
I'm the girl that everyone knows, or knows of. I'm Mika, the outgoing, adorable, empathetic, fun-loving writer girl that would rather cuddle in close quarters with a good book than rot my brain out watching stupid soap operas.
No one thinks that I'm capable of negative emotions.
The break downs would happen once every few months, at first. I would just lock things up inside until they broke free.
Like my home life.
Imagine having a woman you call "Mother" come home and expect the house to be in perfect, ship-shape order. Sparkling counters. Mopped floors. Clean bathrooms. White carpets. All the pillows on the couch in immaculate order. Not a speck of anything wrong.
That's just the beginning. She isn't my mom. She's my stepmom, and a wicked one at that.
I have to admit, though, things are getting better. I don't know if it's because I'm being nicer in general, or because the thing that crawled up her butt and died finally rotted away to nothing.
She expects me to be perfect.
But I'm not.
I'm only human.
I actually wrote a poem about it... you should check it out.
Anyway...
I had another one of those break downs today. Just a little one. I think I'm getting better at forcing myself to cry every few days. When no one's looking, of course. But just to compensate for all the happy go-luckiness I breathe in and out every day. No one suspects a thing.
Over the summer, I started cutting.
Just a little bit... but it was all I needed.
My mother, my real mom, lives in Colorado. I'm in Texas. My parents divorced when I was 2 1/2, so as I'm sure is imaginable, I have no memory of a time when they weren't at eachother's throats.
My mom actually called Social Services because I happened to mention the thoughts of suicide to her. Not that I had HAD any. No, no. Just... I wondered what life for others would be like if I wasn't around anymore.
Scratch that.
I wanted to know how they would survive without my smiles.
Not like I ever got a chance to test my semi-formed hypothesis. I never really wanted to, anyway.
My dad didn't want to hear about my sexuality. He himself was the "emo" kid of his era. He was in a group called S.I.N. aka Safety In Numbers. Clever, eh? I kept it as my own.
I told him that I was bisexual, and he practically turned up his nose and looked the other way. As if I wasn't his child anymore.
He just doesn't want to hear about it.
My little sister, [product of my father and stepmother's... "affection"] thinks I am her punching bag. Sure, she's 7, but damn. That girl's got guts to just come up to me, kick me in the shin, and prance off like she just won the lottery.
Sometimes, I want to wring her little neck.
Again, something I didn't get to do.
My best friend, also known as my Emotional Skeleton for the past... oh... 3 years, moved this summer. She's now an hour away from me, and I don't get to see her anymore.
I'm in love with someone that could never love me back. He graduated from high school this past year and is now in National Guard, also was the boyfriend to my friend for over a year. When I met him, they were the perfect couple. When he left, they had just broken up.
I still love him. And believe me, I don't use the word lightly. I steal no meaning from the word "love" when I say that I love him.
I should post my little tidbit about love.
Enough about the stupid sh*t of my life. ^_^
Let's talk about the happy stuff!
I'm in high school again!
I swear, you guys. I was waiting for school to start this year since the day it got out for summer. You laugh, but I'm freaking serious. I HATE summer. It's so boring... I never get to see any of my friends... I go brain dead... I don't get to learn anything... GAH. On the first day of school I totally flipped out and hugged everybody. Hence the happy go-luckiness of which I spoke previously.
All smiles, all the time!
:D
I'm so happy, though. In Art II Drawing, I finally FINALLY get to do a self portrait!!! I'm so excited. It's going to be so awesome. I think I'll take a picture and post it on here after I'm done so everyone can see it. :3
Oooohhhhh myyyyyyy gooooooosh. I love to role play. I'm finally writing a story about my most loved character, Devendra.
If you ever get on iSketch to rp, you know me. :3
E_man.Resu, at your service. -takes a deep bow-
But anyway.
^_^ If you didn't notice the funny about my iSketch name, you don't deserve to know. :)
I love ROTC. So much. ROTC rocks. I love saying ROTC. I say it like Rot Sea. ^_^ But sometimes, like for people who aren't in it, I just plain out say the letters. Are Oh Tea Sea. :3
It all works out, see?
Okay, this journal entry thing is turning into a novelette, so... See you all another time!
---Mika Belland, 15-year-old freak.
Not registered?
Create an account