Story Review Thread

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This thread is intended for users who wish to both give and receive a detailed story critique. This thread is not for comment swapping.

Directions

• First, you must review the story of the user who posted above you. If that review is adequate...
• Make a post claiming that user's story.
• Review their story.
• Post your critique as a comment on their story, and edit your post in this thread with your review as well.
• After reviewing the other user's story within two hours you may post a link to your story.

A good critique should consist of several things:

• Point out what you like (characters, plot, setting, title, etc.)
• Point out what needs improvement (character development, detail, dialog, syntax, etc.)
• If you notice any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, you can point those out to the author; however, a list of typos does not count as a good review. This thread is for more than editing.
• If a story is longer, you do not have to read the entire story. One or two chapters will suffice. If you want a specific chapter critiqued in your story, make sure to request that.

A rule of thumb: A good review should talk about five separate things, good or bad, that are not spelling mistakes or simply "I like this" comments.

Users who do not give adequate reviews will not be allowed to use the thread:

If you see that the user above you gave a bad review, report their post to a board moderator so that it can be deleted (and PM an admin ASAP), and re-review the story before that. If you see that a user has taken more than two hours to review a story, report their post and re-review the story above that.

There is no excuse for giving a bad review. You cannot expect a lengthy critique while only giving a brief comment. If comment swapping is what you want, use one of the threads linked below.

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^For the record, reviews need to contain more detail than that. It only discussed three things briefly. Because it was in the old thread and what was expected was unclear, we'll let it slide.

In my defense, the person that had been above me did not give an adaquate review, henceforth me giving that review.

So I'm guessing we're picking up on story? I'll just quote it below again, so there's no confusion...

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Story Review Game.

I like the rubber ducks in the banner, but the effect of the picture is kind of weird.
However I do like that the story itself is easy to read, so kudos!

For the dialogue I would put who is speaking, because it's confusing when you don't know who's saying what, it takes away from the character, if you get what I mean.

I think this is a cute story, but I think it could use more description, because most of this story is dialogue. Overall it's a nice read, but I want to know more like emotions, images, and whatnot.

Anyways, I think you did a good job with this, but with more description instead of dialogue it be amazing.
=)

Thieves of Persia any chapter except for the first and second.

^Claimed :D Done. Hope it's up to standards :D
Thank you so, SO much for fixing this Krutni

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Story Review:
Just so you know, I read chapter three, per your request of not reading one or two ^^
Anyways, so I'll start with some things I liked:
-The layout. To me, it just seemed to capture the feel of the story and especially the setting. I'm not sure, but just the presentation of the story... I sort of felt like I was there, you know?
-The banner. Simple, yet clean and professional.
-The way you decribed things seemed to really fit the story, such as this line, He thought back to Nadira, her clothing resembled that of a gypsy, as did the jewelry around her neck and wrist. I guess word choice would be what I'm talking about. You use the right words for the right context.
Something I think could be improved upon though for this chapter is this paragraph:
"Oh Dastan!" Tamina yelped in surprise, pulling her dress over her body. Dastan ran over to her and put his hands on her shoulder, taking a firm hold of her. She looked at him with worry and lifted her hands to his slightly bearded face. His blue eyes studied her face, and she shook her head. Never had Tamina seen him this tense and this out of breath before. "What's the matter?" she asked him.
I just got really confused by it and had to read it a few times before I kind of figured out what was going on. Why did he need to see her? You didn't really explain that, so I got lost. I still don't know why it was imparitive Dastan told HER about what had happened. I could be just the fact that I don't know Prince of Pesia that well, but I was confuzzled O.o
But overall, I really liked it ^^ I think it had the appropriate tone and feel for the fandom you're writing about, like... it just feels... desert-y XD I'm not sure how to explain it, that's the best I can do. I guess good job on... drawing the reader in? Yeah, I guess that works.
Oh, and I like how your title was a play off of the original title x3 That made me happy inside.
~Icamane

If you could maybe read His Eyes Are As Green As A Fresh Pickled Toad that would be awesome :] I don't mind how much you read, the chapters are quite short, so just however much you'd like to read is fine by me

Claimed. Done! (I hope it's adequate enough... I think I covered everything.)

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Story Review:

Letting you know I read the first two chapters.

I really like the diary setup of the story. It's really interesting; I haven't seen a story set up that were diary entries. The chapters are kind of short, but that's a good thing because we don't want poor Ginny rambling on in her diary.

I think the character development is rather good. You've got her personality and her feelings about Harry perfectly clear. I really like that.

Since I only read the first two chapters, I notice you very briefly mention characters other than Ginny and Harry. I know that's the main focus, but maybe go into how some of the other characters interact with her?

I like the banner for the story, but I think the layout is a little... boring. I think you could have had a lot of fun with the colors, maybe represented Ginny's personality a little, rather than a black background with white text.

I think there's a little bit of an overuse of "..." in your sentences. I think that a sentence like this:

He seems to...but what if he doesn't feel the same way?

could be more like this:

He seems to, but what if he doesn't feel the same way?

I can get that you might be going for a more dramatic effect, but to me, the "..." seems a little unnecessary.

I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, which is always a good thing.

I really liked what I read. I like where you're going with it, and I'm probably going to read more of it.

Could you review Under the Bright Chicago Lights, please? You don't have to read the whole thing unless you want to.

^Claimed. Done.

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Summary:
I was disappointed to see that you don’t have a summary of the story because the summary is the main draw in for readers. Without some sort of idea what the story will be about, people are more likely than not to just click “back” and not give the story a chance, which is unfortunate. So maybe look into writing up a quick summary?

Chapter One:
The city was more beautiful at night than it was during the day.
Hmm. I think it would benefit the story if you described how exactly it was more beautiful at night. I’m a huge fan of really “seeing” a story when I read, and it didn’t really reach me what the narrator was seeing.

As I read on, I think I can see where this is headed, Pat and Rose are like two close friends who grow to like each other in a romantic way. I like the interaction between the two. Pat acts almost like an older brother to Rose, teasing her and protecting her. I think it works.

Chapter Two:
I’ll be honest with you, when I first saw the POV at the top, I wasn’t thrilled. However, I was happy to find that the POV switches weren’t frequent or many.

I find it slightly unbelievable that Brian would take Rose’s words so close to heart and be so reckless about everything, but regardless, it allowed for an opportunity between Rose and Pat to come together, which was neat in a way. I think it would be better if perhaps Pat didn’t confess to Rose at the end of the chapter because it’s unlikely, I believe, that in such a time of grief a man would be concerned with love interests rather than his hospitalized friend. This is just my opinion, though.

Chapter 3-5:
I felt I should review these chapters in whole, because they were so closely linked..

I found these entire chapters to be somewhat shocking, really. I’m confused as to why Brian and Pat would chose a girl over their friendship, and the same with Rose choosing Brian over a close friend, Pat. I think it’s really sad that they chose to do so, but I like that it was included because sometimes things in life don’t make sense.

I only wish that I was able to get to know their characters better. I feel like you’ve only given the reader just enough to differentiate between them, but not enough to really know that. And one of my favorite things for an author to be able to do is to make the reader feel connected to his or her story.

Overall:
I felt like I’ve given you too negative of a review, but that’s not my intention. I think you have the groundwork for a good story layed out, but it’s rough around the edges. I think if you slow down, take time to describe the characters and their emotions and motives, it’ll flow much better. In addition, I noticed that grammar wise and spelling you’ve done an excellent job. Keep working on it, and don’t give up on it, I think if you clean up the rough edges all will be well. =]

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I'd like for someone to review Boardwalk, Baby, but please focus more on critiquing characterization and character interaction rather than grammar. However, if you'd rather review something else, that would be fine instead.

Claimed. Done.

review:

Story / Review Thread

Chapter One

"Hey, you old bastard!" She fumed. He didn't turn around, or even acknowledge the woman. Prick, she retorted mentally,
-The way you've descripted her attitude, her words, goes perfectly well with how you described her. She sounds like a crotchety woman, and the descriptive words you used on her physical appearnce portrayed that as well.


"Dad," she acknowledged, giving a curt nod.

"Deb, honey, you got the...money?" He anxiously eyed the woman.

Deb reached into her back pocket, pulled out a leather wallet and brought out a decent bundle of bills. She placed the money into his now open palm and went to turn away, before a strong male hand grabbed at her forearm.

"Thank you; you don't know how much I appreciate it."

Deb scoffed, followed by rolling her eyes. "Don't think I don't know that you'll just blow it on booze."

-You can tell she obviously dislikes her father just by the way she says things, the words she uses. And you can tell he feels a bit unsure, maybe a tad guilty, asking for the money.

"Jack! Alright, Alright!" Deb shoved the dog off of her leg.
-The way she talks to her dog, even, speaks volumes. This is a woman hardened by unhappy times.

Chapter Two

She kept her office much like she did her home. Every object had its own place and was tucked away neatly.
-Which corresponds with how she dresses, the way you described it. It's almost like she's borderline obsessive compulsive, whether you inteded that or not, I don't know.

Deb stayed mostly to herself, excluding the uncommon greeting to and from passing colleagues. She had never fully became acquainted with anyone in the building; nonetheless, those that she had spoken with were courteous and helpful. Deb just had not befriended anyone, for reasons she didn't know or care to know. She would be satisfied with the simplest of things, she came to work to do her job and receive her due pay.
-This is sad, heart wrenching, almost. And also keeps up with how you've written her so far. It only makes sense that someone with father issues, and borderline OCD, would keep to herself. The only companion we know of thus far is her dog, the only being she'll talk to, and she's not even completely nice to him!

-The whole bit with her talking on the phone to her sister is frustrating. It makes you eager to know why, exactly, she's so reluctant to see her family, and to even communicate with another human being.

Deb allowed a slight wave of her left hand
-She almost seems shy, here. A difference between the hardened woman we've been reading about.

The ending, the scene in the diner with her sister, talking about their mother...was beautiful. You finally got some kind of emotional reaction out of her, I was finally reassured that she was actually human, capable of feeling things, not some zoned-out robot. You did exceptionally well with the imagery and characterization, I see no blatant faults.

Broken Connection, please.

Claimed Reviewed

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Story/Review Game

Layout/Summary
First off, I actually like the layout in the way it is simplistic. There isn't much to be distracted by, which can really ruin a good story. Other than that, perhaps a banner for the summary page could put a little more color into it. Otherwise, I'm anxious to read!

Chapter 1:
- The whole first paragraph has already pulled me in. You never had to say to us straight that Jacob is angry, his finger thrashed hair and frown said it all! I adore when the author doesn't make me feel dumb by pointing out the obvious :)

- "It’s so different from the girl that he used to know. The girl who was human."
Now, I personally see nothing wrong with this sentence. In fact, it made me feel certain that yes, this is in fact Bella we are talking about. Some people feel using italics, bolds or underlines in a story is distracting and unprofessional. I like the way you used it, and you don't use them in eveyr other sentence too. It's your personal choice, but just letting you know about that.

- "It all goes in nauseating slow motion then, as his frame trembles and he blurs back into human Jacob Black."
I have two things on this sentence actually. First is, should there be an 'a' before nauseating? I could be wrong, cause the way you wrote it sounds fine too. But that 'a' keeps nagging at me to be there. Also, human should probably not be italicized here. The reader most likely won't miss the fact that he changed back. Italicizing it here makes it have more attention focused to it, like we wouldn't notice.

- "Neither of them notice the wolf that charges her, sharp canines bared, tearing into her head. A sharp, painful feeling rips through his gut, tearing clear through his heart as the child’s head gets torn from her spinal cord. By the time they tear Bella apart, he’s blacked out completely, breaths coming in short gasps."
D= Oh my god. I didn't expect that! This is really good, and great to leave off on the first chapter. The chapters themselves are relatively small, but it's a shorter story, so it's not a problem. And the story calls to end the chapter there. And, proud to say I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes. I'm aware of those, so when if there was one, I would have caught it.

Chapter 2:

- "“I told you to stay away!” he roars, pounding his fists against the hard packed sand."
Again, the italics come up. This chapter has more of them, but though I'm fine with it, some people would be bothered by them. People can imagine he's screaming those words, especially by the word "roars". Totally up to you though.

- "A sharp, angry snarl rings through his head. Enough, Jacob."
This is a good italics, it represents the thoughts passing through his mind. :)

- "When they reach the same fallen log he sat on with Bella, back when she first came to the res, he pushes the shaking girl into a sitting position."
The res... now, I never watched the Twilight movies, only read the books. If 'res' is a place, shouldn't it be capitalized?

- "Even from the long distance away, he can see the approving smile on the older man’s face."
Oo, they imprinted? I like that you left the story off there. It gives the reader a lot to imagine about what would happen in their new future. Least Jacob can now be with his own kind now, and not a vampire.

Overall:

Overall, I enjoyed the story. I'm actually not a fan of the Twilight films, but a good story is a good story. The use of italics is something you could possibly consider working on. They are good for a story, but overused can turn it childish. Other than that, I saw very limited grammar errors that I mentioned above. Well done, bravo!

Oh, and I had a happy time imagining bella dying. Am I bad?

Can someone please review both chapters of Under The Same Moon? Thank you

Update:
Your review hardly told me anything about the problems with my story. You tell me there are fragments. Fragmenting is a writing style, but if there are so, please tell me where they are. I might want to change some of it. Also, the character has openly said herself to be choppy and to the point, so when it coems to her thoughts, it happens like that.
My layout was the only thing you really went in depth on. Apparently I don't see the same things on my computer that you do. The chapter image does not looked stretched out to me, but I'll be happy to figure it out.
And also, I asked for both chapters, not just 1. Not to be mean, but did you just skim through and use Microsoft Word to check for my spelling errors? That's not the point of the review game. If you couldn't read what I wrote, then click the button to turn it back into the natural Mibba font. I would reccomend the person below skip your reveiw, and just ask for theirs to be done. Very lazy. And it's not the first time, you practically said the same thing to a friend of mine for a review too.

Claimed. Reviewed.

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Story Review Game

The layout is kind of a turn off for me. I don't really like the layout and the black story area with hot pink font is not very appealing. I'm sort of bleck when it comes to reading it. Just by the layout, it has nothing to do with the story. The banner is kind of stretched out as well, this is just a personal thing but maybe find better quality photos or something?

For the prologue, while you have no spelling errors, I would say spell out the numbers rather than put '23'. It just looks better.

In chapter one, how you have that poem thing...it kind of . I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's a nice little poem thing a ma bob, but I just find it awkwardly placed.

In the first chapter there were hardly any spelling or grammar errors, but there were many fragments. The one thing I wanted to point out was this.

Not that it matters, you need a semicolon after matters.

Overall, I found it interesting. I have to agree with i saw sparks though, you do seem to switch tenses a lot so that's something I feel you should look at. This first chapter was slightly difficult for me to read, I didn't really get a feel for the story.

The layout being fixed might help a bit. Maybe then I'll get the right feel that you were going for?

Reaching for White please

^ Claimed. Reviewed/

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Layout and Summary:

You’ve got a simple, readable layout which is nice. It doesn’t distract the reader which is always a good thing. In the summary you ignored the capitalize the I rule, and there’s a space between the period and the last letter, but I’m guessing that was on purpose. Otherwise it’s quite enticing and really makes you question what the story is about.

Chapter:

First off, I like her name. It’s unique and pretty old, which would make me first believe her parents either enjoy history or maybe teach it? Though I doubt that has anything to do with the character.

Reading further, it’s apparent she’s abused, though you don’t specify by whom. Since I already have this picture of her parents in my mind, I’m guessing that it was either a significant other or maybe another family member she lives with.

I like how in the one paragraph you don’t simply describe her appearance, but it also gives insight onto what type of person she is.

The grammar is pretty solid; I didn’t see any mistakes on that point. And it lacked any awkward wording or sentences, the flow was pretty sturdy.

It had coated the dirt road in front of her home and danced along the barks of the sycamore trees decorating her front and back yard.
I adore the imagery in that sentence, though I do believe that backyard is one word.

The part where she takes about a world in a snowflake is also quite beautiful, the way that it gives her hope.

The last part I’m quite iffy about. I mean, firstly it makes you wonder where she lives when there’s nobody around to see her dying. And secondly, if someone were to run over a human body, I don’t think they’d mistake it for a lump in the road just because it would be quite random to have a large bump and the rest be flat? And a human body would be a pretty big lump, no matter skinny that person is.

I mean, it’s a pretty sort of tragic way to die, and it seems like a good ending, but it’s just not very… logical?

Other than that, like I said before, it’s pretty solid. There isn’t much to review considering it’s so short, but it’s a wonderful one-shot nonetheless. Best of luck on winning the contest. :)

Diabolus Lacuna, if you may.

Claim! Done.

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Story Review Game

Title:
The title is interesting, and from what I can translate it means, "The Word of the Devil," which is highly interesting. However, if I didn't know a bit of Latin, this title might intimidate me a bit, haha. But overall I think it's nice and I like how it ties in with the story well.

Layout:
I personally love the layout, it looks nice. The background is very pretty and kind of rich looking, but the colors fit the tone of the story. The banner is really fitting and the picture works extremely well with the plot. The font chosen in the banner looks very nice as well and fits the dark vibes you get from the story. However, the bright red for the links and chapter title really, really irk me. They just don't fit in well at all and the color is really harsh with the tones of this layout. It just doesn't flow with the rest of it.

Summary:
I'm not really a fan of the summary. Usually, I like a bit of more info in the summary, so I know a small basic idea on what to expect. However, this summary just throws me off guard and kind of turns me off from the rest of the story and makes me want to click the back button. I don't like how big the text is in the summary either, because it looks sloppy the way the lines overlap each other. And the fact that there is quotations around it isn't too nice, seeing as if it was a quote, I'd like to know who said it.

Story:

And they said she was insane; crazy: throw her into the loony bin.
The opening line attracts the reader and it attracted me, making me want to read more about this girl. Usually, you aren't supposed to begin with "and," but I feel it works well here because it makes the story seem like a continuation of a previous event. That is nice to have because it already has the reader's imagination going wild with what could be going on.

There is an overuse of semi-colons in the second paragraph, I feel. I think they would be much better suited as commas.

Mock radiance poured from the artificial lights overhead, illuminating the pale walls with imaginary brilliance. The radiance was dim, seemingly a few heartbeats away from looking like shadows. In one of the obscured corners of the room, crouched a silhouette. The figure was eveloped in a grey coat, stretching rigid against a skeleton, the pigment suggesting that it had been skin prior to defection
To be honest, this entire paragraph confuses the crud out of me. There is just an over-abundance of unfitting adjectives and it creates a really pixelated and jumbled mental image for me. I guess I just don't understand why the words "mock" and "imaginary" were used to describe light. It just is way weird and unfitting.
Also, how can a silhouette be in a obscured corner of a room? Obscured means dark or dim, but in order to make a silhouette, you need a bright light behind a person or thing...?
Eveloped? Did you mean enveloped*?

As the story goes on, it gets easier to understand. It is really dark and interesting how you've made the female character in this and the description used to describe her movements and just simply herself and really fitting and create a clear and good mental image.

She needed escape. She needed quiet. She needed the fiery blaze to stop.
I like how you gave these sentences their own line. They are the three sentences that point out plain and simple that she didn't want to be in the place she was in and that she was trying to escape. It also ties in with the opening sentence, telling us that she had been put in the "loony bin" against her own will.

I feel the transition to the happy girl walking in the park was weak and confusing. I had no clue what just happened and it took me a while to figure out that it was a flashback -a different setting. As I read, I saw that the story jumped abruptly more than once, only the song lyrics to help ease the transition. This I find can be done more neatly, to ease the reader of confusion.

However, I do like the detail and narration in the new setting. I like how this gives you a hint of the girl's past and tells you a little bit about her life before she was placed into "the loony bin." It makes the reader more interested in what is going on and it twinges curiosity. You want to know how a girl so carefree and normal would end up being deemed insane.

Her heart began beating irregularly, pounding against the bones.
Starting with this sentence, you already get the feel that something bad has happened and with the later detail of anger, you almost feel the girl's pain. It is remarkable how well the emotion is described and that is something not many authors can pull off.

...the salty droplets racing down the sides of her cheeks akin to waterfalls.
Did you mean skin*?

Moving on, I love the description on how she loved him. The way you described it with him pulling her heartstrings made it believable and the reader can relate to the little displays of someone they truly love and cherish. It's good to have something to relate to in this story of insanity and madness.

I love her little revenge sequence. It is brutal and gory, but I love how passionate she is about this happening to Tyler. It helps show just how much pain was caused by his cheating actions and shows the reader how much she really once loved him, seeing as she was so pained by this incident that she would wish these bad things upon him. It also adds a twinge of humor in this dark story, the "dick" part that everyone seems to chuckle at.

The ending paragraphs return to the dark and twisted girl we met in the beginning. Once again, the darkness consumes the reader and you see just how messed up this girl has become, but now we know why. With her previous flashbacks, we finally have the answer to question we've been asking ourselves: why is she in there?

Having the answer to the question at the end rather than at the beginning was something that was done really well, because without that, the reader wouldn't have been so interested. But you managed to keep the interest alive with the set up of this story.

A cursed girl, she was. A damned girl, she was. A dead girl, she was.
This ending line is very fitting and it adds a nice twist to the line that was similar to this in the beginning. It helps truly describe how twisted she's become and it wraps the story up nicely.

Overall:
Overall the story was very complex yet intriguing and kept my interest. The dark plot you've showed us really gives the reader a vibe that will stick with them for awhile.

However, I can't help but notice that this story follows pretty much the exact same plot as the movie Devil's Diary. The general basis for each is pretty much the exact same and that really bugs me. I feel that if this movie is what gave you inspiration for this story, then you can at least note that in your summary or author's note because that would be the right thing to do and it would respect the writers for Devil's Diary, even if they never know of this story's existence.

Also, I find the song lyrics used unfitting and they kind of threw me off.

Good job on this story.

Shoot Me, please. Chapters 1 and 2.

Claimed.
Done.

noah puckerman.:

Story Review Game:

Summary.

- Honestly I think that this is probably one of the most inticing summaries I've ever read to a story. They made a vow - a vow that shattered into a broken promise. I think that this was probably my favourite line. It just seemed so... final, I guess? I don't think that's the word that I'm looking for but you get the idea. That one line just really stood out to me, which is a great way for a reader to feel whilst reading the summary of a story.

Chapter one.

“I never claimed to be a genius, just a mastermind.”
- I love how straight out of the gate, we get a feel of exactly who Zacky is as a character. From the very first line, you get this image of his as a guy with answers for anything and everything.

Zacky had earlier struggled to patch the hole in his bag with cloth...
- This might just be me, but I think that this sentence starts off a little awkwardly. Even just switching earlier and struggled around could make it flow a little better, but that could just be a personal opinion.

They vowed to remain by each others' side until the day they died. All promises fade, though.
- That was such a perfect way to insert that little promise in there, and it was a really creative way to bring it to the surface, you know what I mean? I like how the shooter is an old friend of Zacky's, so we as readers can see how he reacts to the shooting and how his life continues afterwards. I'm actually pretty excited to see that.

When the sharp pain pierced through his chest...
- I sort of feel like there should've been a lot more description to the feeling of the bullet entering his body. Although, to be fair, as someone whose never experienced the pain of being shot, I'm not sure what words you could use, so I wouldn't expect you to. But at the same time, if it were possible for you to accurately describe the feeling of the bullet, it would add more to it, I think. Though like I said, I can't hold you at fault for not describing it more because I wouldn't know what to say myself.

That was when the shooter put the gun up to his own head and pulled the trigger.
- How tragic is that? And that was an amazing way to end it. It sort of makes the reader wonder - if all this happens in the first chapter, what could possibly be coming up in the upcoming chapters.

Chapter two.

Brian was upset that Johnny didn’t want to put his blood on the certificate – the Certificate of Best Friends.
- Such a guy thing, right? They seem a bit young to me to even come up with this - in the first grade you're what? Six? - I think if the boys were older it would seem a bit more realistic to me.

“If Johnny doesn’t want to be our friend forever, then he can go die!”
- I like that your dialogue is appropriate and believable for a bunch of kids. I literally used to hear young kids say things like this to each other all the time on the bus from school, so that part is really believable. Kids are a little crazy sometimes, aren't they?

Fifth Grade
- I'm really liking how you're gradually showing how they drift apart - what with Matt getting into basketball and Zacky spending a lot of time with his guitar and Brian probably getting into smoking and most likely some worse things - so I think I know how you're going to tell their story. My prediction is that the shooter is probably going to be Johnny, just because he was the only one of the five who didn't share his blood on the paper. And I guess the rest of the chapters will tell their story of growing apart as high school and interests and girls and other friends got in the way of their relationship with each other.

Johnny soon found himself alone.
- I'm right aren't I? That turns out to be Johnny's big, drastic plan. Come to school with a gun in an attempt to bring his friends together in a crisis.

Overall.
- I think that you're doing a really, really great job with this. It's definitely an interesting plot line and you've developed it wonderfully. I think that this is a story that I will keep checking on. And I didn't say this before, but I actually really like your layout. It's simple and dark - very fitting to the story's atmosphere.

Any chapter of His Favourite Part, please and thanks.

I added two things to the first post. One, never PM or comment a user who gives you a bad review. You will start a fight, and it's unnecessary drama. Two, a good review should discuss at least five separate things that are not spelling mistakes

^And Claimed

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I reviewed Chapter three. Unfortunately this made me miss some plot details, so I can only go off what I read (which I quite liked, by the way)

TItle: The title of the story sounds similar to a lot of other story titles so it didn't really catch my attention, but the chapter titles are intriguing. I wonder how it relates to the content, and it made me want to read the story

Layout: Clean and simple, I like it. The colors are very readable, and the image selected for the banner is artistic and adds interest.

Chapter Three:
“I guess so. He seems a but full of himself, to be honest.”
I think you meant "a bit" full of himself.

You use a lot of linking verbs (was, is, are, be, were, has been, etc.), which takes the life out of writing. For example:
There was nothing here that appealed to her. She was a city girl through and through, and this small place did absolutely nothing for her. Avery was furious with Kim for dragging her out into the middle of no where.

In that whole chunk of writing, there is no direct action. Sometimes it's really tough to get rid of linking verbs, but if you do it and really play with the words you'll see a whole new element to your stories.

Nothing here appealed to her. Avery belonged in the bustling city, where everything this small town lacked thrived. Fury brewed inside of Avery because Kim brought her here.

See what I mean? Action verbs add more detail and movement to a story.

I love your usage of dialog. I feel like you express your characters attitudes really well, it never comes off as cheesy or fake. Every line is realistic. For me, dialog is always tough to perfect, and I would be proud of what you have. I also love the cheekiness of your narration, like in this part:

Her friend found this town quaint and charming. Avery could think of a couple of other words to describe this place.

The comical and cynical tone you create with lines like that really work with this story. I get your vibe.

Something I would also mention, you describe everyones hair color, but I feel like I'm missing the whole complete picture of how to view them. I'm sure part of it that I haven't read the whole thing and you're only at chapter three, but I would challenge yourself to use more elaborate physical adjectives and avoid colors in future chapters.

#17 Songstress, any chapter

^ Claimed. Reviewed.

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Layout and Summary: First off your layout gives a really dark tone, which I’m guessing your striving for, and it’s well accomplished. It’s readable and it’s nothing too complicated, which is nice. It slightly bugs me how it’s kind of in the middle of left and center, but that could just be me. Your summary is also quite provocative, considering everyone loves a good rebel now and then, though it also does seem slightly cliché. “Oh the girl who changed the bad boy”, something that’s been done before. Though, it still is quite interesting.

Chapter 1:

I am a bad man. People, even my very best friends, tell me this with shame dripping of their words.
It’s an interesting first line, though I think it would be dripping from their words.

I sell sex and women; scared and defeated little girls.
I adore this line, it really gives off who he is and such.

Other than that, it’s pretty solid. You’ve got an interesting prologue that really reels you in and is leaving me for more. You’ve also captured who he is quite well, how he seems inhumane and revolting.

It never bothered me, until I saw, or rather heard number seventeen.
An amazing cliffhanger that really makes me want to read the following chapters. It also seems like a cracked-out rendition of Pretty Women.

Chapter 2:

You’ve delved into the business quite well, how they appear to possess such class, but underneath they’re so dirty and cruel. I adore how you’ve captured this.

Cold, quick and dirty.
I think that sums up the entire thing perfectly.

She was youthful enough to remind someone of their neighbor’s daughter, but developed enough to prevent them from thinking of their own precious little girl.
It really captures what types of people are in the business.

I like how he relates all the girls to women you would see in daily life too, that adds a great touch on it.

Overall, it’s pretty sold in the grammar aspect. It’s quite short, so there isn’t much to review. You may want to make your chapters longer, even if it means to make the wait for the next longer. Not by much, but I think a tad bit would be nice. You've got pretty solid descriptions too, it lacks any awkward sentencing that would break the flow. The story has a lot of promise, but I do hope that you don’t make the transition quick and easy, because that wouldn’t be much fun and it would make the girl seem terribly Mary-Sue. A prostitute would hardly be the last person that could snap their fingers and turn this guy into an angel.

I really hope you do go into detail on to how he got into the business as well, what was his family like? How did he even get a glimpse into something like that? What made him want to even begin such a dirty job?

And also how she even ended up in a place, a prostitute of all things? Though, I’m pretty sure you’re already going to include this. It’s only the beginning, and therefore you’ve got an entire story to look into these things.

Best of luck.

Looking back now, I wish I had just let her go.
Again, another great cliff hanger.

Diabolus Lacuna, please.

Claimed. Reviewed

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Story Review Game

Layout
I love the photo you've used in your layout. As well, the dark colors seem to actually work. Normally, I hate dark layouts matched with dark fonts, but it seems to fit the theme of this story.

Prologue.
I love this. It's very...in-drawing.
Haha.

Story
But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it, touch it, feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity.

This paragraph was just...everything. Seriously, just after reading this I'm ready for more. I love your imagery, it's the perfect case of description and awesomeness.

Draped along the carcass was a flimsy cloth, welding onto the being as if it were disease, ravishing the remains for each hint of life. From underneath a jutted spine was clearly visible, protruding sickeningly from her coat.

Hollow, vacant orbs were sunk into the skin, concealed by translucent eyelids. Faint, incoherent murmurs drifted from quivering, cracked lips. She lifted her gaze as well as her fingertips heavenward, a crimson liquid staining her pale skin: her own crimson liquid.

I lied. This was everything. It's so grotesque. The way it's written is perfect. It doesn't just tell us that this girl is gross looking, it actually shows which apparently is hard to do for some authors. So seriously, you just win.

Wen she was innocent, when she was normal. When she was innocent,

A happy little girl, she was. An innocent little girl, she was. A living little girl, she was.
I loved the repetition of she was in this sentence. Perfecto.

her attention was seized by a sleek, black notebook. This is phrased kind of awkwardly. Maybe put a sleek, black notebook seized her attention?

Overall, this was incredible. I love the whole demonic feel of it. Seriously, I've never read a story on here where someone can pull this off. There's a lot of stories like this, where it has to deal with demons or satanic rituals, etc. But seriously, you pulled it off very well.

I hope this sufficed as a review. >.<

Reaching for White.

^ Claimed.

Me omfg:

Story Review Game

This story is certainly a very thoughtful piece. There's a lot of troubling and half-hidden messages concerning Audra's background which are left tantalisingly around. As far as I can tell, there's something wrong with Audra's cognitive development - whether this is some form of intelligence deficit or the result of some mental illness or even a role in which she has evidentially been forced to fulfil is unclear but I shall explain these ideas further. I just feel that it could have been much more. The ending didn't satisfy me and I cannot help but feel that Audra needed more of a slow, wasting death. For example, TB or pneumonia from the snow. I cannot honestly understand the ending as it stands. Perhaps I'm just being a little cranky due to I think that Audra needs more since I find her a fascinating character.

So, I am going to discuss the following points in this review: characterisation, imagery/symbolism, narration and some other points for your consideration (e.g. a couple of minor grammatical points, ideas, layout etc.)

Audra as a character, as I have previously discussed, seems to be in a somewhat childlike state. Her references to Dr Seuss and imagery surrounding her demeanour indicate this. I do have the distinct idea that there is some form of intelligence deficit - the constant referral to snow as fluff and the white imagery (white indicating innocence in this instance) seems to make this child-like state a more constant state of affairs than otherwise. This could give rise to the idea that the girl had been abused for this specific point - most likely due to the perceived weakness of the victim rather than as a part of neglect by more responsible persons since she otherwise seems well-looked after (fur boots, plump cheeks etc). This - I think - gives your character a lot of depth that doesn't need to be explicitly stated. If, at least in my opinion, the character seemed to be fully intelligent and capable of handling herself, the story would sound a bit hollow. I also sympathise with the character more - there's an element of Somewhere Over the Rainbow about it which is desperately sad in itself, not taking into account the sad ending.

The imagery you use falls into two main categories: symbolic and alliteration.

The piece is strewn with heavy symbolism. The semantic field are as thus: whiteness (innocence and purity) and a darker, almost violent subset (e.g. clot, tangle, torn). The emphasis throughout on her blood in particular as well as the bruises and torn tights at her thighs gives me this crazy idea that she's been sexually abused as well. Considering how she is dressed too - a skimpy white dress - creates this interesting juxtaposition of innocence and purity with these more disturbing sexual undertones. I have to admit that this could be too much introversion and analysis but your have a way of telling a huge story in far less words than needed and it's only by examining it in a molecular level that you can unravel everything. You also used alliteration here and there (e.g. from her lips littered the air) which I loved but I'm not sure if you used it intentionally. It adds to the story I feel because it makes the narration sound more childish even when it's trying not to be.

The narration itself is incredibly interesting, I feel. It seems cold and detached from the scenario, but it works. It feels like some form of social worker relaying the case onwards - admittedly, in a poetic sense. There are, however, interesting points in which the narrator itself starts to dissolve from its firm position into more of a tone that could possibly come from Audra herself (alliteration, the idealistic hope, etc). It's rather reminiscent of Daddy by Sylvia Plath in the sense that whilst she was trying to push away the idea of her father, he childish tone and imagery betrayed this idea. This could mean that Audra was not under some intelligence deficiency but more of a fugue state in which she keeps up this childish demeanour for some reason. This leads me to conclude that it is some form of parent or guardian who is the perpetrator of the abuse. This also leads to similarities with Nora from A Doll's House only Audra must forgo life in order to escape this life that she has been trapped in.

A couple of points though I'd like to raise:

If only there were a way to escape - I think it should be If there was only a way to escape.

There were a few points in the text that I felt you should have out into italics since they seemed to be more thoughts of Audra than the narrator (If only there were a way to escape; to live inside a snowflake. for example).

I quite like your layout, the banner matches well.

Overall, a very powerful and moving...drabble? Really spectacular stuff.

Furnace of Paradox, please.

^ Claimed. Finished.

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Story Review Game

What a mysterious and intriguing piece you have weaved here.

Right off the bat, this miss Lady A is such a likeable anti-hero to me in just attitude and personality and overall demeanor alone, seeing as very little (if any) is known about her past and history. She seems so…cynical and maybe disillusioned towards society. It makes me wonder how she got this way and what in her history turned her life down this path of habitual killing. I’m eager to learn more about her; about her past.

She’s smart. And I like that. She thinks on a completely different wavelength than everyone around her and I’m sure this is how she can continuously go through her fatal habits and remain free. She’s cunning and a planner and has a great acting ability. What can I say? I find her such an interesting character. You did fantastically with the characterization. The slightest off hand comments can add so much. Young lady, old accent. –See, there’s a lot there. And in the sentences after it. Is she stuck on something from the past? What is it from back then that appeals to her? She keeps me wanting to know more.

On a side note, for her ill-fated counterpart, I thought you did great with his dialogue. On top of Lady A’s negative feelings/descriptions, the realistic dialogue sealed the deal on my image of him.

Now, setting and time frame and all of that is so significant here. I feel like setting a story into the future gives both me as a reader and you as an author a great amount of room for our imaginations to wander. The story is in your hands…and with a futuristic universe for you to control, you can literally take it anywhere. In this story, you do not reveal all of the secrets of this new world (which is a very good thing) but rather, incorporate hints here and there in your descriptions of characters and their actions and use your set of “future” vocabulary, but sparingly. This gives me the freedom to imagine and come up with my own explanations for things. It’s good to give the reader that freedom. You have this world in your head, but to trap and confine the reader in a your own box wouldn’t be very beneficial.

"A handsome man, I know." she said bitterly, cutting over him. – Comma after “know.”

"Thank you. I never knew you cared." he said, without a trace of irony. – comma after “cared.” Also I love that whole bit. It’s like…as a kid and you’d claim it’s “opposite day” but someone would find a wise-ass way to mess it up. (I don’t know if that made sense.) That kind of frustration comes to mind to me.

"Please visit "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" again, Lady Andromeda Mirabel." – I’ve always learned that when you have something to quote within the quote, just use ‘two of these like this.’ To make it less confusing on the eyes.
^On that quote as well, this is her real name, right? That’s what I got based on her kind of taken-aback reaction.

She was getting her husband back. – This is a very tricky sentence and I love it. It’s a bit of a head trip, since through this whole thing we’ve been assuming that she’s been killing off her husbands gladly and that this one seems to particularly set her off. So who is it that she’s getting back? Definitely a good way to keep readers guessing and wanting more.

Overall, like I said, a very mysterious and intriguing piece. I really have no idea where it’s going to end up. Wonderful work.

The Ruby Room please. Thank you.

^ Claiming. Done.

desilu.:

Story/Review Game.
I like the summary with just the two lines, I don’t know why it just seems dark and mystifying almost. So hopefully that’s what this story leads on?

Jason wants to be a bad boy, I assume.

. . . . On his twenty-fifth birthday he bought his first “motorcycle” . . . which is a red Honda? Honda’s made motorcycles now? Or does he think a car is a motorcycle . . . maybe I should read on. Okay so the red Honda is a motorcycle.

As I’m reading along though I feel as if you could fill in some gaps, especially the whole “tied down” thing—was it cause of living with his parents, college . . . jail? Because when you say “tied down” and the way you refer to his freedom and such, I almost feel like he may’ve been to prison before?

But there is one thing I really did love, this sentence sorta gave excellent imagery to my mind without needing much of it. And it had some type of feeling, a desperate feeling I could feel inside my head . . . and also the thought that Jason was happy to be free now:
“ And maybe that was also why Jason had bought a new leather jacket just days before he planned to ride into the city of Oakland; the place he was hoping to soon be able to call home.”

I get a body feeling, maybe cause I’m just a big old worry-wart, but I feel like [and I know on motorcycles they can go super fast] but I just feel like with how fast you presume him to be going, I almost have a hunch something bad is going to happen . . . like he’s going to crash because he’s being so careless or that the thought of being free is just alleviating his mind or maybe it’s just cause he’s going really fast . . . even though on a motorcycle that’s normal.

All that mattered was what lied ahead
That doesn’t sound right, “lied”, maybe the word “lay” would fit better? Because I feel like in my mind “lay” puts more a complete . . . thought or it just makes that sentence feel more complete without ruining the vibe you’re giving off—which is some anxiety and excitement (:.

I read the rest of it, and I find the ending quite sad because he was so excited to get to Oakland and find a home for himself, only to realize he had to go elsewhere—that this place wasn’t for him.

Almost like he felt he didn’t belong anywhere.

But I liked this a lot because you give off great emotions through your words, it’s almost like the way you use the words and the way you give it a certain emotion gives it imagery—that’s how I feel at least.

The only thing I find difficult, is the red font against the black ):. But other than that, I really liked this (:.

Sided Lover.
Please and thank you.

^ Claimed. Reviewed.

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Story Review Game

Well, firstly, I love that banner. Very pretty. :)

Prologue
The prologue is interesting I have to say. But for some reason it doesn't really draw me in. I can't see what's so different about this compared to every other love triangle out there. I almost feels like it tells the whole story and I no longer feel like I need to read it.

Chapter One

Era sat diagonally across from Camille, staring at the fire and George quite often—it’s almost like she was in a trance. I'm a bit confused by this sentence. I thought there were only three people there? Camille, George, and Vinnie...who's Era?

George was different, rough and demanding, he was like a weasel in a needle stack. I have no problem with that. o.O XD

You've got an awesome vocabulary. Stories like this, you wouldn't expect that. Normally, the love triangle stories I read aren't as well written, nor do they have any real diction. This story, however sets the standard perfectly of how these stories should be written.

Though the plotline is typical I actually really enjoy reading this. I found Camille to be a very relatable character. How she's with one boy but really wants the other unavailable one. That is so myself in a nutshell. Everyone likes the unattainable.

When Camille breaks the window, that didn't feel real enough. It just sounded too easy. She'd have blood everywhere and car windows are hard unless she was super fucking strong I doubt it would've been that easy and not as painful. Unless of course the adrenaline from being afraid is covering it, than you should explain that.

Wait, Vinnie was shot? I get that it's a panicked moment but I feel as if it should be...way more panicked. Like HOLY FUCK I'M BEING SHOT AT kind of moment. You know?

Wait why was her home taken away? I am so confused.

Overall
While it was good, and I'm glad it wasn't just them sneaking around to get it on, I didn't really get the feel of her panic. I didn't even feel like she was panicking. I feel like you could've explained in much more depth what she was feeling, while being shot at while waiting for Vinnie. I also think that the scene with George telling them he found out could've been a lot more. You could've made it scary as hell. So that's my few iffies with it.

Otherwise I really do enjoy the way you write. Like I said before you've got great vocabulary and detail.

Reverie

^Claimed. Done.

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Story review:

Summary:

It's rather haunting and draws the reader in. Very eerie and mysterious.

Layout:

The bright colors seem misleading in a way. I actually like the simplicity of it. It's not distracting at all, and it's easy to read the story.

The actual story:

The face of an angel, my mother had always said. The face of the devil’s work. No face could be that beautiful and be human.

This line right here leaves me wondering what exactly he is. It adds to the dark mood of the story. I really like that.

I like that there are no names to the faces and no apparent reason as to why he's killing her.

I didn't find anything that I could honestly say needs work. You nailed everything perfectly. I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors, and the story flowed very nicely.

I'd put more, but I don't want to repeat myself, especially with such a short piece.

Love Lost; Love Found

I think I should warn you that it is slash, in case someone doesn't feel comfortable reading slash.

^ Claimed. Reviewed.

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Layout and Summary: Well, the layout really gives off the whole “teeny bob high school love story” feel, with the pink, purple and blue. You said it was slash, though it seems too girly for me. The summary is also quite vague, which is good in a sense but it doesn’t really do much to draw a reader in, this entire thing is based on a relationship however you don’t even hint at it in the summary. It’s just about someone getting into a car crash?

Story:

In the second paragraph I think you should change “flung” to rip or tore, mostly because you already used the verb flung in the first sentence, and then the word just becomes mundane after several uses.

“Look, Mikayla, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can go out with you anymore if you’re going to be this controlling,” He said.
That would be a period not a comma.

“Nick, I’m not being controlling, you’re just not listening to me, so I have to do stuff myself!” She said. Nick stared at her for a long time.
I think you could go into more detail, how did she say it? How did he feel? So far all you’ve described are the sole actions of each person; however you never touch up on how they feel.

“Mikayla, I don’t want to hurt you,” He said.
Period not a comma.

I know, Nick. I can see I’ve hurt you, though,” She said softly.
That would be a period, and I think you should get rid of the “though”, mostly because that would imply in the next sentence she will add on to the fact, but she really doesn’t.

“I’m sorry. I’ll go.” She turned to walk away.
Again, describe her facial expressions. Describe how he felt seeing it. Was she ashamed? Was she pissing herself laughing? Was he angry, happy, did it hurt him?

“Wait,” He said, getting out of the truck.
He would be a lower case, if in the dialogue there is a comma than the following word is always a lower case.

“At least let me give you a ride home.” She smiled softly.
When you talk about her action afterward, it’s almost like she’s saying it. If you’re using dialogue, try to add what that person did afterwards, not what the person they were talking to did.

“I can’t impose on you like that,” She said,
It would be a period, not a comma.

Also, in that paragraph, I find it a tad odd that she would let it go so easily. When someone’s controlling they absolutely despise when things are in their hands, mainly out of their control. She would most likely have a freak or turn the situation into her hands, most likely dumping him. Again, how does he feel?

The dude just broke up with his girlfriend; you can easily elaborate on the feelings that are passing through his mind. The reader doesn’t know much about him, about their relationship, and for all we know he could be stunned with happiness, or maybe he’s suicidal? We don’t know what’s going on through your mind; we don’t know how anyone looks, what the setting looks like, or how they feel. You must explain this.

Grissom would never forgive him.
Was Grissom his boss? Explain why Grissom would never forgive him, is he a punctual, controlling man? Describe like we’ve never heard of his character before.

There was a squeal of tires on asphalt,
I think you should include something like “suddenly” or “abruptly” to show that this happened to him. For a moment I was confused about what was happening, and I think that would increase a better flow.

In the next paragraph elaborate how he’s feeling. Dizzy, okay. But he almost died; I think that’s going to bring up a lot. Memories? Thrashing heartbeats? Maybe he blacked out?

“Mr. Stokes! Are you all right?” He asked,
How did he ask? Was he concerned? Was he laughing? Whispering? Imposing?

“You were driving through the light and a drunk driver flew through the red light and slammed into your car,”
Period not a comma.

He tried to smile but found it hard to at this time.
Why did he find it hard? Was it the after shock? Did it hurt?

“In the other ambulance. He’s not in very good shape,”
Period.

“Well, hopefully he’ll be all right,”
Period.

“I have to get back to the station and let everyone know you’re all right,”
Period.

He half hoped Greg would stop by,
What’s this guy’s relationship with him?

He thought.
He wondered?

“You’re awake,” He said simply,
Period.

“Yeah, I slept right through the night,”
Period.

“I know,” He said softly.
Lower case on the he.

The doctor walked into the room.
How did she walk into the room? Were her footsteps loud, so they heard before she stepped in, or were they so soft that it was like a sneak attack?

“Mr. Stokes, I’m Dr. Lowry,”
Period.

Nick nodded.
Again, add something she did before explaining his actions.

He said.
He asked.

“At least two weeks,”
Period, and you can go into how he felt about no work.

“I’ll give you two and a half,” Grissom said.
Period, and how’d he say it? With a smile? Regretfully?
And you should stray away from the word nodded; you used it a lot in only a few sentences. Try a different word, because like I said then it becomes mundane.

“That sounds like a reasonable amount of time,”
Period.

“I’ll give you a ride home,”
Period.

Overall, the plot isn’t that bad. It’s only the beginning so you have a lot to work with. I think that you should’ve kept the girlfriend, at least for a while because that could be an obstacle they overcame together, but they could still sneak around.

You’ve got a “he said, she said, he did, she did” type of thing going. You shouldn’t just describe the actions, however describe what they’re feeling. What’s the setting like? What does it smell like? Are they happy, sad, how do they do things? It helps with building a character.

And also, if you have a sentence in dialogue, if without the quotations it’s a sentence, than you put a period at the end. Only if its things like “You know,” she spoke quietly, “we’ve got a lot of things to do today.” You know isn’t a sentence by itself, however with the following quotations it becomes one.

Hope that helped.

That's got to be my longest review ever.

Diabolus Lacuna, please?