^Claimed and finished.
For one thing it's really good that I'm hooked. It's extremely rare that I get hooked to stories on this site, honestly.
I'm big on art and having my eyes feel good on the internet while I'm reading (hence one of the reasons I don't like reading on the computer) and the color scheme you used is really soft on my eyes and it works really well with the picture (or banner) you used. It moves the eye, artistically. (what's funny, though, is that one of my stories on here actually
does hurt my eye.
Another thing I noticed, you seemed to have relaxed a little on the parenthesis thing. That's a good thing because I promise you, anytime I see parenthesis
anywhere I skip it at first, then go back to it two to three sentences later. I know I'm not the only one who does that, or even worse.
(William would probably think it was chicken anyway.)They're a lot of things I laugh at, even when it's not that funny, but I did like that there. It was petty humor, to me.
The names, I get confused. You had another story with the name Ryan in it right? Maybe you could vary your names some and come up with something new. Like, making up some strange name, or using a nickname throughout most of the story. But that's just a suggestion.
Hotels have stoves and ovens? I guess they do where you live, but I've never heard of it.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong.
Uh oh, I see the name Spencer... Oh, it's a fan-fiction.
Neither of them could keep track of how many times he'd said it in the past few weeks.I like how you said that and not something cliche like "He's said it too many times to count" because
everybody says it like that.
"I never meant to kill you." he whispered to the darkness. "But you weren't coming back." He sniffled and wiped at his cheeks.It's good how here you say something that makes me want to keep reading. (And I'm seeing read and green lines )
.
"Yes." Ryan agreed, nodding.There should be a comma after yes instead of a period.
Pete frowned again. Perfect ninety degree angles on all the frames, he could tell. The bed was so perfectly made, not a single wrinkle in sight. He felt like he was looking at a picture in a catalogue. He couldn't decide whether to cry or pull on his hair and scream. He settled for neither.Haha, if you know one thing about visual artists is that the best of us are crazy and messy. My room looks like a bomb went off in it. I can't stand things that are too neat. It's like chaos to me. I need some disorder and mess. I find things better. (But not insane chaos
) I'd go mad if I witnessed this also.
Pete questioned in a low voice," that this sort of dysfunctional order is actually good for Will?"The quotation mark and that are supposed to be connected, not the comma and quotation mark.
William was asleep with Ryan checked on him an hour laterHate to be nit picky... but, I believe it should be when, not with.
I think short stories are for you. The way you write really works for them and I believe it's your forte. If I read your writing in a longer story, I'd probably get bored, to tell you the truth (but that's because I'm a loser when it comes to reading fiction books [I have a weakness for... a different kind of story]), but in short stories, it really works. I wonder if I'm running up on two hours.
More petty mistakes to look for (I've grown the eye for this crap lately and it's driving me insane)
I also like how you're slowly putting together how the hell Gabe died piece by piece. It's also getting on my nerve, in a good way.
The knife made a scraping noise against the dry toast.I like that because I literally just imagined the sound of a knife on a piece of toast.
Pete grit his teeth and stared hard at the bottle of wine in Ryan's hand. Um, make sure you watch you verb tense. You have past and present in this sentence with grit then started.
Although I'm unsure of what happened to Gabe, even at the end, I still believe it was a good story. The last paragraph reminded me of a certain part in the movie
For Color Girls Only where the mom had her two children dropped out the window of their apartment by their drunk and slightly crazy father and the mother stayed locked up in her house for a long time crying. Then finally her "neighbor" came in and told her to move on and take responsibility for their deaths...
Anyway, that's besides the point. The story was well written and I liked how you talk about death happening and how people need to move on from it to live properly.
Dream Life Chapters three and four, or as much as you can (it's pretty long). Please excuse the verb errors, I'm aware of that and I have it under control.