Story Review Thread

  • jason todd.

    jason todd. (305)

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    dru is drinking.:
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    I can give you another story if you like, but you can't give someone a comment when they gave a review and expect a review. It's not fair and it violates the rules of the thread.
    layout;summary;

    They layout is hard on thee eyes, the colors are good but I would make the words a darker color so they shew up better.

    chapter one;

    I love the tittle, that song makes me wanna dance. Just reading the words made me wanna sing the song.

    Anyways....

    I like the way the setting at the beginning. It's warm and cozy, even if that sounds corny.

    But you keep jumping from past tense to present tense, although I don't know if you meant that or not.

    I don't like how Brendon didn't really stand up for him self with Sarah. I feel as if he knows who he wants to be with so he should cut the crap and just tell her, and it shouldn't matter what she tells a magazine.

    And I don't like how Ryan and Z act. It's...weird. At least to me.

    Penny Lane was whining in her dog carrier in the backseat.

    I thought the dogs name was Bogart of am I just missing something?

    You should really work on Brendon. I don't want to say he's spineless but he won't stand up to Sarah, I get that he loves/ed her but still he shouldn't put up with that.

    extra;

    Stay in the right tense. You jumped back and forth rather a lot, most during Brendon's scenes. I thought the summary could have been a bit better, it doesn't really draw you in.

    I liked your characters, they're very well rounded and realistic. You didn't act crazy and make them do things they normally wouldn't just because it's a fan-fic and you make the rules.

    I would add a little more detail. If someone just read this without realizing what it was about it would be really hard to understand because of the lack of detail. We need some detail on looks and surroundings!

    You obviously went through a lot with your editing so there really isn't anything to hate on there, and I loved that about this story. It's very hard-worked on which really made me like this even more.

    Really it's hard to review this because reviewing means you have to point out bad things and I couldn't find anything to terribly bad here, except for the occasional confusion from the switching back and forth of P.O.V's and the lack of some detail.
    January 23rd, 2011 at 08:51am
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    For Skylight Confessions.
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    layout/summary;
    the summary is interesting and the quote works well. i really like the image you chose.

    prologue;
    the "to bright, to cheerful" should be "too bright, too cheerful".

    it's really short. i get the feeling that's the point, but there's just so little to comment on. i get a good sense of what the place looks like though.

    chapter one;
    i like the discussion on the word 'there'. it is really hopeful and then she says 'halfway house' it's sort of like you crash back down because you really do get these images of a sort of darkness. i know they're a place of help, but you always seem to think of the demons that lead there first.

    [...]because I'm endangering my self.
    myself is one word.

    i'm not sure how i feel about 'ya' instead of 'yeah'. it just doesn't seem match with the tone of the pice so far so that sort of threw me off. there's also a few spelling mistakes. i don't want to point them out here but you can pm after if you want and i will.

    i think it's interesting how we see that the character is denial, which is how it works a lot of the time. i just think she seems a little less defiant and a little more... whiney. perhaps that's just how her character is supposed to be. i'm going to keep reading and find out.

    i like that you changed the font for the note. it made sense to do and worked well.

    it's interesting that she apparently has a problem with insomnia but manages to doze off at the end of the story. is that because she hasn't slept in awhile? i'm just confused.

    chapter two;
    i'm not a fan of pov changes in chapter, but i think that bolding the names might make it more obvious.

    sometimes i think the problem with first person is that you want to describe everything but when you do you can lose the character's voice. i felt that disconnect here:
    When I stepped out of the train station the first thing I noticed was the heat. I pushed down like damp cloth, and my skin, used to the air conditioning of the train station prickled uncomfortably.
    it just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of her dialogue. it's too... perfect.

    i'm still a little confused on the sleep thing. just unsure how she's managing so much sleep with the insomnia. i know when i had it i couldn't sleep in a car. i still can't sleep in a car.

    i like how the girl's don't really do much except size each other up. it's nice. it's not like they're just all of a sudden bffs, which is realisitc.

    chapter three;
    it seems like a dream. is that what it is? makes sense if it is. it was wonderfull painted.

    overall;
    overall you have a few spelling mistakes but nothing major. i think the first person narration just needs a little help staying in character. just make sure that when you're describing things it's not you that's describing them, but the character. otherwise we feel that disconnect. otherwise it's pretty sound writing. for the most part it flowed really well.
    The Boy with the Protest Sign, please.
    January 23rd, 2011 at 09:01am
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    The banner really amuses me. I mean, there's the ridiculous things, the loving things, and then the sort of funny Fuck This Guy. It's definitely got me a good idea of what's going to play into the story , I'd think.

    I feel like these are the WBC people, honestly. They remind me of the people, and then those who are so entirely against the WBC and accepting and that's sort of what Brendon is in this. He's a voice for the gays and a believer and I absolutely love that so far. It works with the type of person he is, too- he would be the one who'd try to get under protester's skins by throwing religion sort of back in their facees. For the story, presumably he's a Christian/Mormon gay man, and how he's got Ryan all on him regardless of the fact that Ryan isn't religious is just working.

    tehe I like the character of the girl, though I'm assuming she's only a temporary person. It's like she and Brendon are sort of speaking for Ryan and he knows it though they don't, the way I'm reading it.

    Nice divider, by the way.

    Ryan's like a little nervous schoolboy and Brendon is sort of a badass. I admit, Ryan does seem like a little bit of a creeper for following Brendon out - for some reason, I can picture this all too perfectly in my head. Really, I can XD

    The way it was handled with Ryan's confession is sort of realistic- he's fearing rejection and he's terrified that he admitted that, and yet Brendon is just sorta insta!accepting. The description of the way Brendon calms Ryan is just... hnng. I love it; I'm assuming he had something similar to a panic attack?

    The flashback works so nicely, going hand in hand with what Ryan asked. I love how you can take phrases like "lost in thought," which is so overused nowadays, and have it read like something entirely new. It's so Dru, really; you take things and make them cool. I mean, look at Panic! tehe

    I like how Brendon has accepting parents in this. I've read stories where Brendon has a passionate hate for his parents, and I've only come across a few where he actually seems to like them and they seem to accept him. I feel like the comment about the puppies is sort of referring to the one story you wrote where everyone called Ryan puppy, tehe maybe I'm just crazy, thuogh.

    I'm curious as to what these two boys are going to be getting up to- should be interesting. Brendon's lie is sort of adorable, I dunno.

    AWWWWWW HE CALLED RYAN BEAUTIFUL~ Though both of them are very pretty boys. Gabe amuses me, always and forever. I like how casually you throw in the guys from FBR. I think OCs wouldn't work as well in this sort of writing- you need people who you know that irl are related in some way.

    lol at the girl/period remark. I just laughed my ass off, Dru.

    Will is all sorts of awesome. The ending is all sorts of awesome. The party scene and how this takes place all in one day is making me fall in love a little bit. You're a painter with words Dru- I hope to own books by you someday.
    Beautiful Things
    If you're only going to review one chapter, please do the third.
    January 28th, 2011 at 01:40am
  • Katie_Bugg

    Katie_Bugg (100)

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    I wanted to point out your errors first then give you the good news :)
    1) In Chapter 3 when Adele is talking she says "S’least I could do; I know I’ve asked you to do a lot for me before, so it’s nice to something nice, right?”
    "nice to something" should be nice to do something"
    2)"again an Adele" This is at the bottom of chapter 3 when Adele is trying to convince Ronnie to go clubbing. An should be and.

    I just wanted to point those out for you before my review.

    When I started the reading it I was really interested because of how you described what Ronnie did and what she was thinking about and why. It gave her a more rounded look.

    As I went on I saw how close Adele and her were and how they act and I started to wonder if maybe the outcome of your story is them being together? Even though in your summary you talk about Nate Eddison, Adele and Ronnie just seem like they're together.

    I absolutely loved their bond though, the best friend side not the falling asleep in one anothers arms side (but only because I'm not into that). The bond they have though where they just know each other that well and are great together makes me think of my best friend and myself even though I'm more of a quiet creative girl and she's a very redneck-country girl.

    Your details were very well done. I commend you on it. They were vivid but they also had a vague sense about them, which was good because it didn't leave everything up to the reader or tell the reader exactly what everything looked like. It gives the reader a general idea while allowing them to think of their own colors and their own extreme specifics of it.

    Your writing is the kind I would love to see in a book. There are a lot of people on this website and not all of them have the best writing skills but you are both a writer and an artist in the making. Your words are beautiful and captivating without screaming at the reader with shocking vulgarity or shocking plot lines. It was well worth the read and I'm glad I was able to read it. In fact, the mural on Ronnie's wall of the starry night is still in my head. I keep visualizing it with Ronnie and Adele pointing to things on it to one another. This is one of those stories where you are just in awe at the writing whether the story ends up good or bad (which so far it is good). Keep it up. :)
    ________________

    Remember Me with Painted Lilies....The link is in my signature. If you're only going to read one chapter read one, three, or four. Also if you're going to comment on the fact that there are not a lot of details please see my journal entitled "My new tragedy teacher student romance".
    January 28th, 2011 at 01:42pm
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    I feel that the layout has too much going on- between the repeating lilies in the banner and the brightness of the background, alongside the impact font, it looks really weird to me.

    The opening paragaph has an amount of simple sentences that just don't flow well - I feel like you're trying to tell us a lot more then you're showing us, and when you're not you're giving us I did/I thought/I said - which makes the teacher's style of narration a bit weird in my opinion. True, though, it may just be his way of thought.

    I'm curious as to if this is a high school or college class he's teaching- seems to be college, from how harsh the grading is. it's understandable, but you've really only pointed out the bad ones. Surely there must be handful of better papers, right? Once again, through these paragaphs, you're using choppy sentences that don't flow well so I'm skimming more then I'm reading at some points.

    The first page started out like this:

    I have an addiction. I'm addicted to his face. I'm addicted to his mouth. I'm addicted to his manhood.


    This is an example of what I meant when I said you use choppy sentences- the wording of it is sort of bland and not really making the story work for me. Perhaps saying something like I glanced at the paper - already not really having high expectations - and was faced with a paper laced with words possibly meant to be romantic and sweet, but came lewd and obsessive from the author; "I have an addiction, I'm addicted to his face. I'm addicted to his mouth. I'm addicted to his manhood." Irritated already, I marked the paper with a red line under the offending sentences and a large F, scribbling a thick 'not school appropriate!' underneath her grade.

    You see what I mean? Comparing the two, rewording things and using a mix of sentence types sort of makes the story just... better.

    The word they chose for "A" was "addiction". You can put the period inside of the parenthesis, by the way. That's usually how it's done.

    I feel that the way this teacher carries on is a little bit childish, to be honest. My mum is a teacher who works with the kids with behaviorial problems, but she's never lost a professional sort when she's working, even grading papers. I think you're trying to write from a POV that you're a little unsure of at points, and it sort of shows through in the writing.

    There's not much wrong technically with the chapter, you've got a habit of using simple sentences that don't quite catch the attention of the reader. Play with a mix of complex and simpler sentences; also, you could've showed us a bit more of how Brady thinks aside from him just going on about the projects. I've graded papers before for teachers and usually when I do, I'm thinking about the criteria alongside what I'm having for dinner, or what I'm doing that weekend. Other then that, I like your writing style enough for this chapter, and with a bit of reviewing on your part it has potential.
    Beautiful Things
    If you'll only do one chapter, please do the third.
    January 28th, 2011 at 11:30pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    claim. i've read the other two so i'll be doing the third.
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    i was actually just rolling my shoulders 'cause they hurt so i laughed when i read that in the opening line.

    i still really enjoy the descriptions of the art she created. you give just enough description of it and not too much. i think it's great for someone like me who isn't an artist. when you describe what the wolf looks like, i really see the image. and i see a drawing of a wolf, too, not an actual wolf.

    i like how she thinks about going down to add her best friend to the list. it seems so human. that thing you know you should do that really won't take a lot of time, but that you always forget to do or put off doing because you can 'next time'. it's very human. i also like the casual mention of the therapist.

    i love how we keep seeing little bits of this almost totalitarian government. it's very casually mentioned in narration because it's how people are used to living now, which makes it better. it's not this huge gloom and doom thing and it's not the first thing we think about in the story. we think about the characters. i think your development of 'the system' is so well done.

    i love the idea of the mural and i like the casual mention of getting it approved by 'the state' as well. and then the illegal thing. it's just really great how we see that it's a normal part of their life, how they even joke about it.

    i wonder about ronnie and rehab now and i like the friendship between the two because i saw in the backstory thread how you mentioned they'd dated before so it's interesting to get this sort of comfortable friendship despite. i really see how much they care for each other.

    the mention of 'iron man 3' probably shouldn't hav been chilling but it was. because that movie is scheduled to come out in 2013 so it's not that far in the future at all.

    it's pretty strange to know that all this is going on with the government and the girls are just normal, getting snacks and movies. it just sort of shows that, no matter what, life goes on. and we do what we can.

    just like the chapters preceeding it, it's wonderful. i can't wait for the two leads to meet though<3
    After the War.
    January 29th, 2011 at 12:35am
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    For one thing it's really good that I'm hooked. It's extremely rare that I get hooked to stories on this site, honestly.

    I'm big on art and having my eyes feel good on the internet while I'm reading (hence one of the reasons I don't like reading on the computer) and the color scheme you used is really soft on my eyes and it works really well with the picture (or banner) you used. It moves the eye, artistically. (what's funny, though, is that one of my stories on here actually does hurt my eye.

    Another thing I noticed, you seemed to have relaxed a little on the parenthesis thing. That's a good thing because I promise you, anytime I see parenthesis anywhere I skip it at first, then go back to it two to three sentences later. I know I'm not the only one who does that, or even worse.

    (William would probably think it was chicken anyway.)

    They're a lot of things I laugh at, even when it's not that funny, but I did like that there. It was petty humor, to me.

    The names, I get confused. You had another story with the name Ryan in it right? Maybe you could vary your names some and come up with something new. Like, making up some strange name, or using a nickname throughout most of the story. But that's just a suggestion.

    Hotels have stoves and ovens? I guess they do where you live, but I've never heard of it. Shifty Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Confused

    Uh oh, I see the name Spencer... Oh, it's a fan-fiction.

    Neither of them could keep track of how many times he'd said it in the past few weeks.

    I like how you said that and not something cliche like "He's said it too many times to count" because everybody says it like that.

    "I never meant to kill you." he whispered to the darkness. "But you weren't coming back." He sniffled and wiped at his cheeks.

    It's good how here you say something that makes me want to keep reading. (And I'm seeing read and green lines ) Smiley .

    "Yes." Ryan agreed, nodding.

    There should be a comma after yes instead of a period.

    Pete frowned again. Perfect ninety degree angles on all the frames, he could tell. The bed was so perfectly made, not a single wrinkle in sight. He felt like he was looking at a picture in a catalogue. He couldn't decide whether to cry or pull on his hair and scream. He settled for neither.

    Haha, if you know one thing about visual artists is that the best of us are crazy and messy. My room looks like a bomb went off in it. I can't stand things that are too neat. It's like chaos to me. I need some disorder and mess. I find things better. (But not insane chaos Shocked ) I'd go mad if I witnessed this also.

    Pete questioned in a low voice," that this sort of dysfunctional order is actually good for Will?"

    The quotation mark and that are supposed to be connected, not the comma and quotation mark.

    William was asleep with Ryan checked on him an hour later

    Hate to be nit picky... but, I believe it should be when, not with.

    I think short stories are for you. The way you write really works for them and I believe it's your forte. If I read your writing in a longer story, I'd probably get bored, to tell you the truth (but that's because I'm a loser when it comes to reading fiction books [I have a weakness for... a different kind of story]), but in short stories, it really works. I wonder if I'm running up on two hours. Unsure

    More petty mistakes to look for (I've grown the eye for this crap lately and it's driving me insane)

    I also like how you're slowly putting together how the hell Gabe died piece by piece. It's also getting on my nerve, in a good way.

    The knife made a scraping noise against the dry toast.

    I like that because I literally just imagined the sound of a knife on a piece of toast.

    Pete grit his teeth and stared hard at the bottle of wine in Ryan's hand.

    Um, make sure you watch you verb tense. You have past and present in this sentence with grit then started.

    Although I'm unsure of what happened to Gabe, even at the end, I still believe it was a good story. The last paragraph reminded me of a certain part in the movie For Color Girls Only where the mom had her two children dropped out the window of their apartment by their drunk and slightly crazy father and the mother stayed locked up in her house for a long time crying. Then finally her "neighbor" came in and told her to move on and take responsibility for their deaths...

    Anyway, that's besides the point. The story was well written and I liked how you talk about death happening and how people need to move on from it to live properly.
    Dream Life Chapters three and four, or as much as you can (it's pretty long). Please excuse the verb errors, I'm aware of that and I have it under control.
    January 29th, 2011 at 02:30am
  • kelliclndstn

    kelliclndstn (100)

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    Chapter three:
    First the layout was very nice and pretty simple and it wouldnt bug me if i would sit and read the chapter on there. :) kudos to you.

    But I did put it in to word so it's better for me to point out somethings and I noticed it was 17 pages in word, somebody been doing a lot of writing.

    I like how you started the chapter, it really gave the vibe of what the characters were. they they were kinda hood and players but the narrator was more tame and respectful to his "bitches".

    The name Small Mike made me laugh because of the irony, well played.

    I really like how you introduced the whole drug dealer/hood life. You kept it real not glamifying it. Especially when you said, . I just signed my death warrant. it just backed the realness you wanted to put in this story. You showed the struggles well, the money issues and plus thestruggle with one of the characters struggle with taking his meds for a mental issue. Also just the struggled Trill and Kandre has with finding a place to stay and all of thier struggles with the "hood" life. I really respect that.
    The paragraph about the bus ride home was written very well. I enjoyed seeing that the narrator that hes looking out for terry. You could tell under this hard exterior he still a loveable teddybear.

    I like the character Penelope, she the person trill needs right now.
    I did feel bad reading about his struggle to get a place for him and his brothers.

    I Really enjoyed the back story to Trill Reading about his past gave me a better understanding of who he is and why he acts the way he does. It was also intresting to read how his mom got the way she did.In the end i was really happy they got a place to stay. let sjust hope things get better for them :)

    Here's just a few optional suggestions for changes, us them or dont because its your story.

    I was on a sidewalk in-front of an ally with a grown looking man standing there. He was smoking a cigar and studying me.
    Maybe combine these sentences together to look like this: I was on a sidewalk in-front of an ally with a grown looking man standing there smoking a cigar and studying me.
    Then I thought about how much I wished I was back where I was.
    Id add a comma after then
    And I respected females more than that other nigga; no lying to them and fucking them over.
    not instead of no, but that up to you.

    “Are you aight, son?” Small Mike asked me.
    maybe try ight where there aight it just sounds more like the in the characters personality to say so.

    Other than that Great!
    As much of Untitled as you can. the Chapters are really short. i want more of a review than nitpik for spelling/gramaer errors :)
    January 29th, 2011 at 04:09pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    layout/summary;
    i like how simple the layout it is and since they are letters i like that the background is white and the words are black, very similar to a real letter. i like know that it's letters, but i'd like to know a bit more. like who the letters are to or why they're being written.

    chapter one;

    i like that you include the date/time stamp, but i'd like a double space after the name 'ryan'.

    i like the acknowledgment of it being weird to write letters, because i think it's natural. i also like how the letter is written different than dialogue because people tend to take more time with what they write down rather than what they speak.

    i'm not a fan of strike-through text though.

    [...] than the average America.
    i think you meant 'average American'.

    okay, it appears the girl is writing the letters on her computer which makes the strike out even more weird. you'd just delete it, wouldn't you? i would. i don't strike out when i type, i delete.

    I came from The Last Lecture.
    i think you meant 'it'. i point this one out specifically, because i had to reread it three times to realize it was a typo because it rather changes things.

    i hope we're going to get more background on everything as it continues. i get that it's a true story, but i feel like i don't know the characters. maybe even that background in the summary would help.

    chapter two;

    i'll be honest. i abhor the formatting. no paragraph breaks. some sentences have spacing between them and others don't. it really just turns me off from even reading the chapter. and skimming the chapter, i see no reasoning for it.

    i just kind of skimmed this because it was really hard to read. sorry.

    chapter three;

    i like that you did the double-space after the name in this one.

    i like the worry about the letters getting there. it's a natural human worry, i think.

    the only thing is i get no background on character. like i said, i know it's nonfiction, but i can't connect without a backstory. it's very ... dry to me. i get no emotions. i want to feel for the characters, but i can't. i have no reason to.

    chapter four;

    i really like the repetition of the phrase "baby steps". it sounds like something the girl would say to herself as she breathes in and out, trying to calm herself. a mantra of sorts.

    i like how she tells him she painted her toenails. it's such a small detail, but it's really nice. and eventually, if you write letters to the same person, they sort of turn into that. just the basics, the small things, what you did that day moreso than your innermost thoughts.

    chapter five;

    again formatting is screwed up. there should be a double space between paragraphs and it makes the words all seem to run together.

    i like the detail of the mother and how counting calories fucks with her (your?) head. it does the same thing to me, so i could relate.

    i really want to know what ryan's thing is. where he is, what he's doing, what happened, etc.

    overall;
    i think the letters have a very natural flow, but i would like more character development or at least information, even if it were only in the summary.
    Something Like It.
    February 1st, 2011 at 10:54pm
  • Rose Red

    Rose Red (400)

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    For the Story/Review game.

    First of all, I really liked the layout and image you used here. To me, it really fit the mood of the story, doing a lot more than a pale, muted one would have.

    I think the biggest thing I appreciated about this story was the length. Too many times on this site, I see 1000-2000 word oneshots. While there's nothing wrong with that, and oftentimes it works, you can't squeeze a lot into the story and let the plot really develop, unlike what happened here. I think the length of the story is what really made me get into the plot and the characters, and come to understand them more.

    Granted, I'm not very familiar with the fandom this story is focused on, but it really didn't matter because of the way you wrote it, which is another thing I really appreciate about this. It felt gritty and realistic, not like your average, run-of-the-mill fanfic. I could see this happening in real life.

    One thing that really stuck out for me was how Audrey and Brendon didn't get back together after what happened that night. I really, really loved that. It was the real world, not some romantic fantasy, and refreshing for me to read. Also, that it wasn't blatantly a revenge fuck. I felt like it was, in a way, but more than anything, it was about neither of them being alone, especially Brendon. The way you pulled it off wasn't cliche at all, so awesome!

    This was one of my favorite parts. It seemed to say everything without saying everything, if that makes sense?:

    Brendon looked at her. The whole thing was ending. They would be strangers again. And it wasn't that he wanted to date her, wanted to keep her, he just wanted to feel safe.

    And the end! I loved, loved, loved it! I'm probably sounding like a broken record right now, but it wasn't cliche, and out of everything, felt the most real to me. Ryan is an asshole that just uses Brendon, and how he tells Ryan to get lost unless he's serious about him was my favorite part of the story. It was real. Ryan doesn't suddenly change, realize he truly loves Brendon just by seeing him with Audrey again. Instead, he just sees Brendon as something to use while his girlfriend is gone, learning nothing, not really changing, and that made this story far stronger because of it. I really admire you for that.

    The very end, how Brendon gets so tired of playing Ryan's game, basically, and finally just tells him to respect him or leave, was the perfect way to end this. You took something that could have been really, really depressing, and turned it around, which made the story impact me a lot more.

    And that was when Ryan left because that had always been his greatest fear, Brendon realizing that he deserved more.

    Perhaps this is the strongest line for me. It just shows the reader that no miracles are going to happen, than nothing will really change except for one man finally realizing what he's really worth.

    I can't really give much criticism to this because it's such a solid piece. If anything, in a few parts at the beginning, the narrative felt too detached, too unemotional, but that wasn't nearly bad enough to detract from the story, let alone make me stop reading. Grammar, style, the rest was spot on. And I must say, I haven't really seen a story quite like this on Mibba yet.

    Overall, good job! I really enjoyed this.
    ***

    Please review Wither.
    February 2nd, 2011 at 02:05am
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    layout/summary;
    the layout is simple, but it's clear and easy to read so i've no problems with it. coupled with the title it gives me a cold feeling. i like that you give us backstory and present day in the summary without giving away too much.

    story;
    (i read that this was your first attempt at slash in the a/n so i'm interested to see how you tackle it)

    i like the path in the first paragraph. i like that i know it's a real path, but it also could be metaphorical. it seems like it's not even intentional, just natural, and i really like that.

    i like that he can't remember what reopened the wound. it seems very realistic to me. because what person hasn't suddenly been upset about something and not known why? it gives the character a lot of life and realism.

    i love the phrase ashes and maggots. it paints such horrible pictures in my head, but it makes me understand what the character is feeling a bit better because it's so awful and subtle, yet somehow in your face. you combine the phrase with other less blatant things and that's what makes it stand out, yet not seem sensationalist.

    i like that he knows the other wouldn't want him to be like that, but he can't help it. it just shows how out of control he is because he would like to live for the other but can't. it shows the depth of his grief.

    the wind is interesting. i like the casual mention of it and the end of the paragraph and then the shove of it into the other. it makes me wonder if he's really going crazy or if the wind is other-worldly. (a ghost, perhaps?) and i like that. it really makes me want to continue to find out if i've spotted a secret.

    i like the description of the death. it explains a lot, but with few words and without giving us too many details because, really, how he died isn't important, it's that he died.

    "empty house" "empty bed"
    i love the minor repetition of that word. it's not empty, but it's half-empty and he's rounding down. it's pretty much heart-breaking. i like how he can't bring himself to sell the house, how he's resigned to living in a memory, a graveyard, as a ghost.

    i really like that you mention they've been together for years and they had a house because it makes me feel like this is an established relationship and it keeps the thing from being melodramatic.

    i like the contrast of the two. how gerard looked at frank, saw all this strength. and now gerard just sees weakness in himself. how frank helped him find courage but with frank gone he's weak again.

    i sort of like the ironicness of it being a possible hate crime because of frank's insistence that it shouldn't matter when, in the end, it did. and how gerard didn't quite blame him for jumping at the guy, even though he should have known better. replaying everything that went wrong in his head.

    i like how the details of that night are interwoven with what's going on on the path, bringing it all back so we don't get lost in the past like him.

    i like how he said seeing the guy go to jail didn't change anything because it makes sense.

    i love the ending 'cause it doesn't tell me if gerard is crazy or if frank was really there. i want to believe it was a ghost/angel/miracle and i also want to believe he's crazy because it would still save him. i guess in the end it doesn't matter because he found strength, whether it was real or not.
    Conversations on a Thursday Afternoon.
    February 2nd, 2011 at 11:38pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Story Review Game

    So before I comment on this, I just want to let you know that I have zero clue who this is about--because I'm guessing it's fanfiction. But yeah. Onward!

    Layout
    I like the photo a lot, the text looks very interesting--and seeing as it's the title, I also like the title as well. Very...unique? I'm not sure what I want to say here, but nonetheless I like it. I also like the color scheme you've got going on here.

    Content
    So they weren't doing anything, just breathing, inhaling, enjoying each other and the drug coursing through their bloodstreams. I think you should add an 'and' before enjoying.

    Also, can I say that I've always liked your writing. I know I've read some of your pieces, though I don't remember which ones--but they've always been extremely well written even if I have no idea who they're about. You've got a great vibe to your writing, it flows and gives a kind of...airy feel.

    I love the Alice in Wonderland reference. I don't know much about smoking weed[I'm assuming that's the drug they're on] but from the way you describe it, it just sounds quite accurate. And everyone always associates drugs and Alice together--so that just seems perfect to me. It works very well.

    But even with his--as he felt--vastly superior understand of conversation, Ryan still could be startled enough to yelp when he felt two fingers pinching the skin on his arm I think 'understand' should be 'understanding'.

    I like the subtle humor to this. A lot of my friends smoke weed a lot when I'm with them and they always are hilarious with it. Oh, and the munchies. Can't forget that. This story is actually making me quite hungry.

    He looked and sound excited in spite of himself and Brendon grinned, happy to see Ryan visibly happy even if it was because of the munchies. Change 'sound' to 'sounded'?

    I like the odd quotes you have thrown in there. Whether they're from a song that inspired this or you made them up, either way they're very beautiful.

    Honestly, I've always thought that homosexual relationships would be better than heterosexual relationships. In most cases you're best friends with someone of the same sex as you and being in a relationship with someone who is your best friend would be awesome. Considering you'd be with someone who has the same body and what not as you, you can just be so comfortable around them. I like the way you display their friendship but also the love between the two of them. You can tell that they both love each other very much but are also best friends.

    That last paragraph is depressing! Dammit, I was enjoying the feel of this and how sweet it all was. Now I'm sad that Ryan might possibly leave Brendon. *shakes fist* In any case, this was a lovely piece. :)
    Please review Fragile Things.
    February 3rd, 2011 at 02:10am
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    ... Wow. You've written what I've been looking for for ages. This take on vampires is very Daybreakers and classic but feral. I love everything about the layout outside of the left alignment - it's very hard for me to read 'cause I'm used to reading centered - but I love the banner.

    hdfkjghdfkjhdfkj I love your mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences that you use to describe everything in the opening paragraph. It flows and works and it just seems wonderfully natural for a thought process. The only things I've noticed in here is that you use — a lot; after a while, you sort of want to see a different method of separation. Just food for thought though; as it is now, it reads plenty fine.

    How sorrowful the story reads is so perfect. It's sad and pretty and it just sort of seems hopeful. I'm curious as to what the main character is going to be (I love not knowing her/his name!) doing in the story, if s/he is going to attack the vampires or leave them be. You've got a set of beautiful lines that just make the story [for example, The world died a long time ago, and it took humanity with it.; They are the monsters that should've stayed behind the moon] and how you describe the MC's lust for things that we really honestly do take for granted like tanning and swimming and the sun and flowers... it puts things into perspective a little bit.

    The "I grew up here" paragraph is perfect. It's my favorite- it fits the whole apocalyptic and quiet and just accepted way of life this person reads, and it sort of feels something like a theme. The knowledge that you won't see anyone you don't know, there won't be a different person there who you'll be introduced to that you don't know a relative of; the knowledge that everything is made of the sameness and everything is accepted to be what it is.

    I'm a little confused about the paragraph, though, that speaks of the way they get food supplies. Is that what it's talking about? Or, is it talking about vampires that try to get in? It's just a slight confusion for me, because it can be read either way it it makes sense.

    You're an author that I think, if you write a lot of things like this, I'll love you for. You've got a post apocalyptic fic that has a beautiful writing style... it's refreshing to find a really brilliant fantasy that can be absolutely real in the future. I strive to write in that way when I do post apocalyptic/government control stories, so that it's believable and something that doesn't seem too out there and implausible.

    I didn't spot any grammar mistakes, though I would review a little bit since you did use dashes just a bit much in my opinion, but overall it's a sound and intriguing piece.
    Beautiful Things
    If you've already reviewed some of the chapters, or you only have time for a couple, please try to review four and five Cute
    February 3rd, 2011 at 02:42am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    Summary

    I thought the summary was very well-written. I love stories that have almost dual mini-stories going on within them. Just from the summary, I can tell that you've really thought about who each of these characters are and worked at developing them separately before pulling them together in the story. I also love the bit of mystery that's left. We know that they come together to do something...great, but we don't yet know what that is or how their two talents will come together. Really nice start.

    Therapy and Texts

    Though this chapter was pretty subdued – kind of filler-ish – I did think it served a really good purpose. Seeing your main character, Ronnie, interact with someone like a therapist certainly does allow the readers to get a glimpse of her from a different angle.

    I found the relationship between Ronnie and Michelle interesting – unconventional, since most psychiatrists don't make house-calls unless it's an emergency, but I can see that's done to show that this specific doctor/patient relationship is unique. I was curious about how they came upon this kind of relationship, what the circumstances leading up to it were.

    I thought this was an interesting way to introduce a bit of Ronnie's history. I love that it just pops up, without any preamble and that we (the audience) aren't forced to listen to a explanation of her past or suffer through some kind of flashback. It just is. I think this kind of ties back in with your summary - Veronica Markham, one of those pretty, spindly artists with pianist's fingers and charcoal shoved under her nails, learned long ago that it's always best to move ahead and look to tomorrow. – we're not going back in the story, we're just dealing with the present and that's enough.

    Towards the end, I was really interested in a possible change happening between Ronnie and Adele's relationship. Ronnie waited until she heard the shower going within her room before pulling out her phone, looking at the most recent text. – it could just be me looking to much into things, but it seemed like this was something Ronnie was trying to keep from Adele (and possibly Michelle). It makes me wonder a bit more about Nate. Is he someone that Adele and Michelle would disapprove of? Is this why Ronnie seems to be keeping him a secret? It makes me think more on how Michelle and Adele perceive their relationships with Ronnie. Earlier on in the story, Michelle says “Michelle laughed at her bluntness, but appreciated it. Better she was truthful then lying again, right? so it seems like she's wrong. Is this a sign of Ronnie taking a step back in her therapy? I love that that tiny line at the end can bring up so much questions and curiosity about a relationship (Ronnie + Nate) that hasn't even been developed yet.

    Overall, I think this is a pretty interesting and well-written piece (though there were errors in chapter five that a beta could easily clear up). I've read the first and last chapter, and definitely look forward to reading the rest.

    Please read Silver.
    February 6th, 2011 at 10:23pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    layout;
    i like the layout. it's even more intriguing to me after i've begun to read the story. i already commented on your summary.

    one;
    i came in to skim it and see if i could claim it for the game and ended up reading about half of it before i remembered i needed to claim it.

    i like the "old age" feeling of the beginning, like a time before electricity is what i get the feeling of. and it interests me because the layout seems so modern, as does the summary. it's intriguing.

    i love the phrase 'halflings' and then 'too much Logan'. it's the first hint that there's something otherworldly in this story, that everything isn't what it seems. from the summary i had no idea this would happen, but it makes me all the more interested to see how this will connect to the summary. i also like the term halflings because it doesn't seem to show disgust that they're half&half, but it still sets them apart as different, not the same as the narrator. like almost a pitying conceit, but a very gentle conceit.

    the immediate discussion of logan did confuse me at first. because it says he had grown up in the place over 100 years ago, but he's supposed to be the human. so that confused me. i reread it and then kept reading and then i began to understand.

    i love the mention of changeling. i had a minor fascination with them a year or so ago so i just sort of smiled inside when i read it and i love the casual mention of 'the fae'. the whole thing with the parents sort of makes you think whatever race the mother is of (is she a fairy? i'm not certain) has some sort of mischievous... not evil, but not exactly kind quality to them.

    i wonder what connect the girl (is it a girl?) had to her father because she doesn't seem all that phased by his death, nor angry. she even mentions her affection for logan. and when she says logan was aging too quickly, i wonder if it's supernatural or not.

    i was wondering about the blood and i think you explained it wonderfully. it also explains logan's age now (the 100 years thing i mentioned before). the thought of him eating her father is disgusting, but it's narrated in a way that would be no different than eating beef, so it sort of takes away the horror one should feel, almost desensitizes the reader to the father's plight. i like that. it's not a critique.

    now i sort of hate the mother for wanting him to kill her daughter. and then the murder of the halflings makes me angry. i can see how it was a mistake though since it lead to so much chaos and i'm interested than the narrator refers to it as such, as a mistake.

    i love the set up for the next chapter. i think this whole idea is so interesting. i love that the fae have different personalities and aren't all categorized in the same way and i love logan's compassion for the narrator. this is ingenious, audrey.
    Drink of the River.
    February 7th, 2011 at 03:29am
  • Jinxeh

    Jinxeh (805)

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    I never read slash, ever, unless it's a yaoi webcomic, so here goes...

    I know that you often say in other threads that you dislike when people point out the layout too much when reviewing a story, but I often point it out when I feel that it at least adds a little something to the overall mood of the story - which I believe it did, here. I especially like how you broke up the story into small segments and titled them as such, and the stone background; the theme was still well-represented. Well done.

    The way you have the story set up also kind of reminds me of The Fountain. Separate events nonetheless drawing from one another and reflecting, and you made it all flow together very well. I especially enjoyed the way the second and third scenes worked together - his voice taken away from him in one, and merely deemed useless in another.

    In fact, Ryan's silence throughout almost the entirety of this story is rather striking (as was the point, I know, aha). Broken only by the written thought or two, but still silent to Brendon until his voice was actually needed at the end, to lend honesty. Beautiful.

    I quite liked this. It read almost like a moment, though it spanned days via Ryan's perspective. Everything just kind of swimming together and nothing really breaking up the time properly, because it probably seemed to go by just like that for Ryan. I also like that we didn't really see the lead-up to their breaking point; we know what the problem was, and why Brendon left, but how it started and how long it took for that breaking point to come about are left up to us. I dunno, I kind of feel like Brendon at least stuck around for as long as he could before he peaced out. Though I wonder if this is the first time they've been through this scenario.

    I'm babbling, so I'll stop now. Overall, however, a great story. I don't often read many fics on Mibba that tackle present-tense narrative well, and yet you did so beautifully.
    The first chapter of Empire State of Mind, please.
    February 7th, 2011 at 03:45am
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    Do you find it slightly strange that we're friends and we never really read each other's stuff? XD I do, but then I don't.

    layout/summary;
    i like how simple the layout is, but with lots of colors. i like that you went for a city show and not, like, a skyline which would just be cliche. the summary is a bit long for my personal taste and i can't tell if it's an excerpt or simply a summary written in narrative, but i don't mind that part at all. it gives you a feel for the story and i feel like this will have a slightly "abstract" plot, which i like.

    chapter one;
    i read the first few paragraphs and then went 'oh shit, these are her characters from NML, aren't they'? which i've never read. so forgive me for not knowing a damn thing about them and being slightly confused.

    i like the opening because it's very "people-watching", which i find interesting and which can work really well in stories (and also go very badly). it didn't go very badly here.

    i love the part about how he's a foot taller so he doesn't know about the good fit. like not letting the guy have his bullshit that he's trying to spin to get what he wants. i love characters like that in stories. (in real life too, but probably 'cause i'm like that. XD) but that's another thing i like. it made me relate to the character.

    i like it when he gets . . . sad. is sad the right word? melancholy, perhaps. i like that he's drunk but not "gone", like the character said. still very in touch with his emotions and not quite ready to let go of them. i like to see that it's affecting him.

    and then i love the part about how robin can't tell if he's a guy or a girl. and then robin's reaction. i love how after it robin goes back to the music, almost like a distraction. i also love how his ... elation is shattered, quite literally by the television and then jackie's reaction.

    overall;
    really my only complaint is petty. i didn't expect the story from the summary. HOWEVER, i will fully admit that if i read NML i probably wouldn't have given a damn because i wouldn't have been at all confused.

    i really like how this is third person, but more from jackie's eyes.

    His movements were sluggish as he tugged at his black tie[...]
    this will sound slightly strange considering what little impact this part of a sentence has on the story as the whole, but i somehow kept this image in my head for pretty much the entire story and went back to read this line four times. i'm not sure why. it stuck out to me for some reason. i think because i saw the character in it, maybe. i'm not sure. but just the image of the guy tugging off his tie really stuck with me for the whole thing.
    Learning to Fall.
    If you don't want to read both chapters, please read chapter two.
    Warning: M-Preg.
    February 12th, 2011 at 08:15pm
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    Summary:
    It scared me, to be honest. This critique may be a little biased but it did. There's only one case I've ever heard of where a guy was pregnant and biologically, he was actually a female.

    And I wonder what quote that came from in the contest Darker than Disney (too lazy to look)

    It's cook how you have a list of songs that could be read while reading. Although it's not my line of music, I know it is for most people on this site.

    [on a personal note] you must really love Panic! at the Disco because seriously... lmfao anyway...

    Layout:
    I don't know how you pull off such nice layouts. You must know a thing or two about art because the color schemes in a lot of your stories are just, on point. I would get more into it but I might scare you with my artistic knowledge.

    Chapter 2:
    Well, I guess it would help that I read chapter one (I only read the beginning) because I'm kind of confused. Just to let you know, this chapter is extremely long and it might have scared a lot of people away which probably caused the story thread thing to temporarily die. Just a little help for the future.

    Where does it take place, California? I haven't been on my news a lot lately (hardly at all) but the only place I know of that has gay marriage close to legal is Cali. Maybe I'm behind a whole lot and unaware of other places where it's legal.

    Just asking, are the people in Panic! at the Disco really gay?

    One thing I've noticed about some of your stories is that it doesn't really seem to cover anything dealing with them actually producing any form of music in them. Perhaps you should put a hint of that in there from time to time. The only thing I remember it being in is Confusion is the Strongest Emotion.

    Damn fanfiction and horny teenage girls.
    Hahahaha. That's exactly what you're doing minus the teenage girl part.

    The boy was already working on it though. "I appreciate all your kind thoughts, but respectfully request that you allow me and Pete our privacy during this time. Any information that I wish to share will be given through the appropriate channels. I am an extremely private person and do not like to disclose the details of my personal life which is why I did not release a statement before."

    That part sounds a little too formal. I don't know many people of the age of nineteen who talk like that. Just remember, we write different from how we speak.

    Okay, I'm about to skim through because I know I won't finish this in 2 hours.

    Okay, I really want to know how the hell they happened to have a kid. It sounds scientifically impossible.

    Pete could tell by the way body's Ryan tensed up that he wasn't too keen on that idea.

    Just a little typo right here.

    Skimming some more. This is really long.

    You know, sometimes when I read your stories, I often find it that Ryan seems to be completely losing his masculinity and he's starting to sounds like a girl to me. I don't know if that's your intention but, I keep imagining a female while reading this. especially because of how much he cries. I don't even know of gay guys that cry that much.

    I don't know how old they are but when I'm reading this, they sound like teenagers and not adults. But like I said, I don't know how old they are.

    skimming....

    "I'm so fat," the boy whispered pitifully. "Why couldn't they have met me when I was skinny?"

    He really sounds like a woman right here.

    Do guys even have a uterus? How can a baby form? Is Ryan trans-gender? Where did the ovary (egg) come from? And how could Pete's sperm fertilize the egg? This is really getting to me.

    Closing:
    I don't know. I skimmed through most of it. Perhaps I missed something in the first chapter that answers all of my questions. Since the story seems to be mostly about Ryan's pregnancy, I kind of skimmed through most of it because it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I know this is a fiction but I think it bends the rules of a fiction too much unless this is a fantasy or something because that's almost what it sounds like. It's kind of scientifically impossible for a man to bare a child unless he's trans-gender which biologically doesn't make him a man. And I guess this can be a little biased because it's a little aggravating to me that it's so unrealistically possible, but story wise (disregarding the plot) it's really well written, but I've already told you that you write well before.

    Dream Life
    As much as you can get done through four and five. But at least complete four.
    February 21st, 2011 at 06:18pm
  • kittenbonez

    kittenbonez (100)

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    First, concerning the layout, I'm not really all that a fan of it but for some reason, I really kind of like the repeating image alongside the story.

    CHAPTER ONE:

    This is supposed to be primarily written in present tense? A lot of it is written in past, however. If you'd like, I could run through it and change it all but a few things would have to be worded differently here and there. Anyway, on to the story itself.
    At times, I think there was a little bit too much of an info-dump - more, the things the narrator plainly told the audience could be more easily and quickly described in character interactions, or didn't need explaining at all. For example, the couple of paragraphs explaining he and Kandre's relationship - it didn't need to be done and you could have cut that part out, if you were so inclined. I don't mean to take out anything out rightly explaining situations - especially the beginning where you briefly touched on the mother - I quite liked that. Especially when later on, she's contrasted with Kandre's mother. That was particularly interesting to me.
    I was more interested in the relationship dynamics than the plot itself, although, it was interesting.

    CHAPTER TWO

    CONFUSION. no, seriously, I was right confused for a good bit but I found it interesting how the main character had known Terry, Ja'trell's younger brother, and spoke of him similarly as he did. I found this to be the most interesting chapter out of the two so far.

    CHAPTER THREE

    I really loved the descriptions in this chapter, for some reason. It really drew me in. Comparing this chapter with the last, I think the first one lacked a bit luster and it could be redone just a little. I'm really liking this so far and, for the record, I love Penelope.

    CHAPTER FOUR

    OKAY, seeing as this is the only chapter not already reviewed, I'll try to get more in-depth with this one.
    First of all, I have to say this - you may just want to keep this straight up in past tense. There's way too much to go back on and redo but, your choice. I do think the sense of present tense would give it a more immediate sense and could improve on the story but the change may just be miniscule.
    Again, I think I'm finding Tyrone's chapters the most compelling and interesting to read. There's a lot more mystery here and the descriptions in this one were just too awesome.
    EX:
    But what was really fucked up was that when the police investigated the house even further, they found human bones and scull heads in their cabinets and kitchen drawers. When they asked them why they were there they’d said, “We eat with them” since the sculls were hollowed out into bowels and forks and spoons were from the other bones. The two were mentally insane but they were sent to prison anyway. Black people don’t get sent to insane asylums, just prison.

    ---

    Watch out for typo's though: 'scull' should, of course, be skull. You've used it a couple of more times in the rest of the chapter but you can easily get those out.
    Also, this part, I like a lot:
    Now I’m toning her out. She’s starting to use those big, fancy ass words that no damn body in the world knows but her. She’ll probably never stop. She just keeps going like her mouth is a machine that has nonstop gas put into it.
    ---
    GOOD PART. Good... part. Anyway, moving on~~~
    The end was interesting as well. I'll be reviewing the rest of the chapters, but not as this moment and more as a reader if anything. Keep it up - the story is really interesting, especially with the contrast between the boys' two lives.
    Jawbreaker., please. (:
    February 21st, 2011 at 08:36pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Title
    I like the title, it's simple and I'm curious as to how it'll fit in with the story.

    Layout
    I love the layout. The photo you used and the font your chose to place on the photo compliment everything perfectly as well as the color scheme you've decided to use.

    Summary & Chapter Title
    Add an apostrophe in 'dogs' so it becomes 'dog's'. That way you're saying the teeth belong to a dog--or resemble that of a dog's. Also, the chapter title is spelled incorrectly. It should be Intimacy.

    Content

    I absolutely adore this first paragraph. If I was iffy about this story before I certainly am not now. This first paragraph has a fantastic amount of description and imagery. It's beautifully done, and hypnotically written. I'm in awe or the way you've drawn me in with curiosity about this boy and about his personality and what exactly is about to happen to him.

    You've got an excellent writing style as well as a beautiful sense of dialogue and vocabulary. I'm definitely convinced with the realism of the speech between all of your characters. The way you write leads me to believe this could easily be a published word of fiction--it actually reminds me of a story I read awhile back about a man who was a serial rapist and killer toward homosexual men--the writing style not the content.

    Theo had spared $150 dollars and was positive the more desperate than he had given more. This sentence is worded a little awkwardly to me. I don't know if it's because you're missing part of the sentence because that seems the most logical reasoning to me. Either that, or the sentence is just oddly structured.

    Then, Theo seen him as a newborn - too innocent to touch but not innocent enough to feel guilt. I suggest added a 'had' between 'Theo' and 'seen'.

    The camera was clicked off and his image was replaced by a black screen. I would switch around this sentence to "The camera was clicked off and a black screen replaced his image." At least that's what my spellcheck is saying you should do.

    Overall
    I find what you have here quite interesting. I like the plotline and the dirty, inappropriate feel to it. It's definitely a unique piece--one I have yet to have the pleasure of ever reading before. I believe I shall subscribe. :)
    Fragile Things--focusing on the last two chapters.
    February 21st, 2011 at 11:11pm