Story Review Thread

  • Rose Red

    Rose Red (400)

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    First of all, I love the whole concept for this story. The first thing it makes me think of is the movie "Sunshine." I know that the plot for these two aren't related at all, but because they both deal with a dying sun, it's the first thing that comes into my mind because it's a favorite of mine. (check it out if you want, it's a pretty cool movie).

    But anyway, I read all of the posted chapters and I really, really like this story.

    I have a question about the world, if you don't mind answering? You don't really say much about the weather besides the lack of light, but I'm curious about how they deal with the extreme cold from the complete lack of solar heat, especially when they go scavenging (and the frozen food). If the world hadn't seen the sun for a few decades, it'd be a frozen wasteland, how do they generate the power to keep from freezing to death, have they invented some kind of climate control, or do the UV lights do it? And how do they break the ground to bury the bodies, with the UV lamps? Sorry for the questions, but I love finding out how things work in post-apocalyptic stories :D

    The narrative was very thoughtful and engaging, which was one of my favorite things about this. It's not lavishly full of description, yet it's not detached either. I especially liked how you used simple little things to state why Annabelle is the way she is, like with nothing compared to the books I spend so much time reading. It explains why she narrates with such intelligence at such a young age, rather than making her seem like a Mary Sue.

    I was immediately intrigued by Noah's introduction, especially considering the monsters that run rampant throughout the world. Another thing, I'm guessing that the Silvers are a form of vampires, especially since they burn in the sun. I see from the author's notes that you're quite into vampire stories. I love how you introduced it in such an intelligent way, and if they are vampires, it's a fresh and original way to approach the concept in my eyes. I'm also curious as to how they got to the earth from the moon :D

    In regards to focusing on the third and fourth chapter:

    I realize now that bringing home a bloodied stranger wasn’t the best idea in the world. This line doesn't seem to fit with the story for me. Annabelle seems like a very intelligent girl, one who would think a lot before dragging a stranger back home, or even going to the effort. This makes her seem more... ditzy, I think is the word I'm trying to say? If you explain it more, it could work, but the way it is jars the narrative for me. If it's not the best idea, why is she still doing it?

    That being said, I loved how you wrote out the residents reaction to her bringing Noah back. It felt very realistic. I mean, the townspeople wouldn't welcome him with open arms, especially with all the monsters running amok. Lindsay was a nice touch, it really made it come alive for me more then. And the way you hinted at what Noah could do for the story, but didn't say it outright also impressed me. The fact that he comes from outside, that he should be dead really makes me want to read more. Annabelle's right, he could have answers, and it could mean that there's others out there.

    Chapter four, I loved how her mother slammed some more realism into things. She's right. He was outside, what if he's some freak Silver that's going to kill them all? I loved that touch, again, it made things all the more real for me.

    Is Jonathan her older brother, or somebody else? I was a bit confused about this. I'm guessing that he's her older brother, since they've fought since childhood, but you may want to clarify on this more, because some people could also take him as a family friend or stepfather or something.

    There weren’t a lot of interesting occurrences in this town aside from death or maybe a Snickers bar someone had scavenged.

    I loved this line, to me, it was the perfect way to say that nothing much happens in this apocalyptic world!

    The way you introduced Jacob was also full of suspense, nice job there. Noah intrigues me. I definitely want to learn more about him now, and Jacob. If anything, you could have described the scene in more detail. This is a huge turning point for the story, why not really get into what Annabelle is feeling?

    I'm definitely subscribing to this, I've honestly never seen this concept tackled before in this way, and I want to see what happens next!
    Headlights in the Dust, please!
    February 23rd, 2011 at 04:00am
  • the redhead's cho

    the redhead's cho (100)

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    I have to bow to this. I don't know what else to say. I'm still trying to figure out how to react to this quite honestly. It's brilliant. Dear God. Your beta did a wonderful job. I don't see any grammatical errors or spelling which is wonderful and means I can go onto the gushing.

    I thought it was very interesting that you took the point of view of the abuser. That is something very rare to see and you did it really well I think. I felt for this man. I could see things from his point of view. I may have hated him for what he did, but at the same time, I could see why he had done what he had done and I couldn't help myself but feeling for him and becoming involved in his story. It's so beautiful. All the imagery and memories are startling and vivid. Your word choice is perfect and remains in character the whole time. Every line draws into the next line.

    I am trying to think of something to critique and honestly, I can't. As a story, this is simply beautiful. This is the kind of writing that we strive for but can't always find within us the ability to make. I have to say that my absolute favorite line was at the very end. I’m falling to the ground, and she’s gone, she’s gone, and I’m nothing but darkness on the way to hell. I read that and I knew that this was beautiful, haunting, and in my opinion perfect. It isn't pretty, it isn't messy, and it isn't truly cliche either. I had a feeling that his wife would be gone, but it's still this stunning surprise just because you feel his pain as he realizes that the only thing he had to live for was gone and that every reason he had to even try was for naught. You feel it as he breaks. You see it so clearly in that last line and it simply resonates.

    BRAVA and again BRAVA

    ----

    Some Little Princesses
    February 24th, 2011 at 07:37pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Title

    I like the title, it's definitely interesting. I don't really have anything positive or negative to say about it though.

    Layout

    I like the layout a lot, normally your layouts don't look anything like this so I can tell you've been practicing. :))

    Summary
    I like the quote you've used, it's one I admire and I think that I may have to steal it. The line you wrote is intriguing enough, I'm not ridiculously interested but I'm interested enough to give it a go. :)

    Content
    As bad as this sounds I've done what she's doing many times before. Sat there with something that could kill me or somehow harm me and pretend that I was going to use it against myself--but I would never actually go through with it. I like that beginning a lot mainly because I can relate and it's certainly a different approach.

    I like that she has some desire to live. Most stories about girls who can't stand their lives or themselves don't care whether they live or die, I really like that she has a semblance of wanting to live. She considers jumping but knows it will kill her, she only wants to do it to escape her current position. I like that about this.

    Make sure you add your accent aigu over the 'e' in cliché.

    I like what you have so far certainly. It's an interesting beginning and while a plot I've seen before you're taking it in your own route and I like where you're going with it. I'm interested in seeing more of what you have. I'll come back to review other chapters at a later date. :)
    Many a Moon
    February 24th, 2011 at 11:36pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    layout/summary;
    i love the simplicity of the layout and the sizing of the banners. i also love how you have multiple banners. even though some of them don't go with the coloring of the layout, they're so beautiful that i don't care. tehe i wish the whole thing weren't center aligned though. Shifty there's not much of a summary, so i don't really know what i'm going into.

    chapter one;
    i am not a fan of supernatural stories personally. never have been, even as a child. the way this is told, though, it's appealing. it's not "hardcore" fantasy/supernatural. it's easy to understand, even for someone like me with minimal "other world" knowledge.

    i know what a Lycan is, but i still appreciated the description and i also like that we knew through the description and not you saying it was a werewolf.

    this is a very good opening chapter. the action scenes are very well done. i could picture everything happening perfectly, like it were a scene from a movie or something.

    chapter two;
    i love the capitalization of Death. like it's an actual character or something. i just really appreciate that.

    the introduction of the sister is nice. there's not too much of a physical introduction, just enough. i really hate full-on physical descriptions the first time a character is introduced, so i appreciated the simplicity of her hair being a shade darker than the Slayer's.

    i like how she seems to teeter back and forth between sympathy and apathy. like she doesn't comfort timothy or feel bad that they had to kill the Lycan on the team before. but she wishes that they spent time looking for a cure so they could stop the killing. it's interesting. not inconsistent either, which is well-done in itself. it's almost like emotions are new to her and logic is old, so she's learning how to meld the two. (i swear that made more sense in my head.)

    i'm not sure how i feel about 'mentor' being in single quotations. if i read the whole thing maybe it would grow on me, but it seems strange to me reading it, almost like it's a mocking thing.

    My ‘mentor’ was a Vampire and since she could rarely drink human blood, since it was forbidden by our laws to drink, though she still would sneak it if possible, she decided to surround herself with the color of it.
    this sentence was silently confusing. i think it's the double 'since'. maybe if there were a double dash (y'know, that long dash thing) instead of the first comma and ending after the third. it just seems a little run on to me. i had to read it a few times to understand what was going on.

    i like how the Slayers aren't humans (anymore). it's an interesting play on things. it makes me wonder how one turns a human into a Slayer, but i'm sure that's established later on.

    overall;
    the whole thing is told well and really interesting. i like the tone this is done with, considering it's first person (not one of my favorites). it's almost detached, in a way, yet not at the same time. makes for an interesting read.
    You Writer, You Liar, please.
    February 25th, 2011 at 12:29am
  • just rowan.

    just rowan. (100)

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    First off I really love the banner! It caught my attention straight away. The colouring of the banner and the layout go together so well, and I love how well you blend the two separate images on the banner together. I completely fail at designing layouts for my own stories, so I love seeing things like this, and yours is gorgeous!

    Even more so than the layout design though the summary...Woosh, am I intrigued! With just a few sentences you’ve made me so excited to see what comes next! Even the use of “ashes ashes...” etc in the chapter title is brilliant! It gives a a kind of haunting, depressing feeling to the fic. I like that.

    As for the actual story, wow. Your description is just perfect – You’ve got the balance right completely, making the reader feel the emotions the characters are feeling, without being over-dramatic or tedious. That takes a lot of skill. As soon as I started reading I got a feel for Brendan’s and Ryan’s relationship – Brendan cares so much, but he feels helpless and angry and scared. Just like anyone would. You portray that so well! And as for Ryan, he comes across as so...Child-like and broken and beautiful and ...Gah.

    I’m totally gushing now, and I’m sorry for the kinda shitty review, but I’m honestly just floored. Your characters are PERFECT. The way you portray mental illness and the affect it can have on people is so realistic. I know you said that it’s “very weird.” But it’s not. It flowed perfectly for me. It’s very poetic. And surreal and slightly confusing, just like the emotions you feel when you’re dealing with something like mental illness, whether you’re the sufferer or an onlooker. The little glimpses we got into Ryan’s head were fantastic.

    I honestly can’t think of anything bad to say about this, and I’m sorry that my words and review can’t give this piece the justice it deserves. I honestly adored it!

    ----

    Remember Me please.
    February 27th, 2011 at 09:04pm
  • Ben Bruce

    Ben Bruce (100)

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    Claimed :) I'll review and put it in your comments and here :)

    Review:
    First off just watch your spelling on the summary - Other than that I really liked the summary itself. It really made me want to read on. Perhaps you shouldn't have revealed as much so fast? Leave some of the plot about all the media attention out for readers to find out, although perhaps you could hint at it to create more enigmas.

    Another thing, just make sure you proof read since there are a few typos in here. Nothing to worry about though, the story content is good and really well thought out. You really thought about what having a brain tumour would mean for somebodies' life. I'm impressed :) You can also tell you've done your research about brain tumours and the symptoms and all. I'm no expert but it definitely sounds informed which is always good.

    I especially liked the ending "It was just a headache." It really hits home about the disbelief Frank feels. The repetition of it is really great because it's almost like he's convincing himself. Which again I'm no expert but I think that's how people would feel.

    Maybe as a side note you could double space the speech/thoughts that are in speech marks a little more? I find it easier to read and I know that others do too.

    I really liked it, carry on with it (If this isn't a one shot that is. Even if it is you should carry it on)

    Breathing Has Got Too Hard Please ^.^
    February 27th, 2011 at 09:34pm
  • the redhead's cho

    the redhead's cho (100)

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    Title && Summary || I really like both. The title just kind of draws you in and then the summary is very simple and easy to go along with which is really nice to see.

    Layout || Unfotunately, it's a little dull in my opinion, but it's readable which is the most important thing.

    Chapter One || I really liked how you introduced Ben. And I like how you're developing him too. There was one line in particular that just struck me. I was so selfish that I didn’t care what effect I was having on other people. I thought it was amazing. So many characters when they are like that won't admit that they are being selfish and that he did just made me love him.

    Chapter Two || I love the details that you give. Just these little things that a person does that you wouldn't really think to add in and mention. It's nice to see them though because it reminds you that this person isn't just meant to be a character he's supposed to be real. Anodhter line that really points that out that I liked was I half blamed him for the reason I didn‘t have any friends left, but yet I also half blamed myself for letting them all go. I didn’t even know why I bothered looking, it wasn’t like I was going to talk to anybody on it. It reminded me of me honestly. And I would have to disagree with your author's note. I really liked this particular chapter. It's something that I cand understand really well and connect with which is really important with readers.

    Chapter Three || I loved every word of chapter three. I really did. I am liking how you are developing this story. I wasn't sure what I was going to think at first when I started reading all of it, but chapter three definitely solidifed my decision that I need to sub to this story. You've got something really great goind and your characters are so real that I hope that you keep to it.

    ---

    Some Little Princesses
    February 27th, 2011 at 11:06pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    summary/layout;
    i love the layout. muted colors and not hard on the eyes. i like that the background is a softer color 'cause i think it works well with the black and white. i wish the summary were a little more informative. i just prefer "more" of a summary for chaptered fics. personal preference. love the quote. i also love how you've done your chapter titles.

    chapter one;
    i like the beginning and how you talk about how she wouldn't take the pills. i think that's really relatable. you create a relatable character in the first bit and then in the last bit you discuss her differences from most girls, which i think was a brilliant move. i also love how it doesn't seem like pity either. it's not like 'poor little rich girl'. it's just like you want to know more.

    chapter two;
    i sort of love the casual mention of her brother's date and the "change" of society that this isn't abnormal. but you also don't give her view on it. it's just there, which is nice. you also paint the scene really well.

    chapter three;
    i like this random change to a new scene. i also like how she doesn't really freak out, though that could be the hangover. but it's realistic. i know the one time i had a hangover i wouldn't have cared if my house was collapsing on me. and i like andrea's character. i mean, she's just been introduced, but she seems like that maternal figure that's kind. i like nice characters.

    chapter four;
    i love that she doesn't exactly feel guilty about being so rude to the guy. like, i think she knows she should and maybe she feels like she shouldn't have, but i don't get the feeling of guilty. to me, that goes back to her breeding/the way she was raised and it makes her very true to form. i'm not saying all rich people are bitches, but it seems like she was probably raised to not apologize for her actions, especially to people 'beneath' her.

    chapter five;
    i love the apple. makes me think of snow white. but it's also very casual, so it doesn't seem forced. i'm not sure if you intended for it to tie back in, but it seems that you did. i like how well it works with everything. i'm also digging the length of the chapters. i saw in a previous author's note you apologized for them, but i think they work. it just makes me wonder if they'll get long or if there will be a lot of chapters.

    chapter six;
    i like this. it's simple, just a shower, but it also shows a lot. i love how rude this character can be, even though she's a guest in someone's house. i also like how she's not all 'i should go home'. i get the feeling she's enjoying this break in the monotony even if she might not be enjoying the individuals.

    chapter seven;
    i like the no elbows on the table. we were taught in elementary school that it was polite not to. and she's a 'high society' girl who should know her manners, yet she's never heard the rule. (ironically, i was taught in etiquette class it's not impolite if you're showing interest in a conversation by leaning forward.)

    She wasn't meant to e, and yet[...]
    I think that space and 'e' aren't supposed to be there?

    i also love that she doesn't know how to do dishes, but she doesn't say no. i expected her to be all rude and say 'no'.

    chapter eight;
    i was sort of expecting her to leave. i like how she doesn't even seem to care. she wants to stay, but she doesn't. she just... wants to be doomed it seems, almost.

    chapter nine;
    i like how she seems to get most angry about the tabloid. i wonder if there's a [back]story in there somewhere. she doesn't seem to get phased by much else.

    overall;
    overall, this is really well written. i'm just interested to see what the overall plot is. that's my only thing. i read it and i still feel like i have no idea where it's leading to.
    How We Knocked the World Off Its Axis in Six Days.
    February 28th, 2011 at 12:09am
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Layout/Summary

    I really have nothing bad to say about either your layout or your banner. I loved the color scheme, especially how it matched the color of the bed in the picture. I adored the title as well; it was definitely unique and caught my attention immediately.

    The Story:

    I adore how you have the story sectioned off into different dates. I was wondering how you were going to structure it, since it only takes place in six days, and I think this was a very effective method. Starting with the 15th, there was one line in here that stood out above the others.

    "That's different. I always have a girlfriend. You, like, never have a girlfriend." I think, in just that one, fairly simple line, you told us so much about Ryan's character. With just that one line, you demonstrated that he still felt for Brendon, or at least that is what I got from it. This line also had a huge impact on me because I've actually been told something similar to this by an ex-boyfriend and it is just so hypocritical.

    Something inside Brendon snapped and his fist connected with Ryan's jaw. Holy crap. My eyes actually widened when I read this. Just like the line above, this line told me so much about Brendon's character and I could just feel his frustration.

    February 16th.

    I liked the break in this section from Ryan and Brendon to just focus on Ryan. Even though I've said before, I'll say it again; you seriously are the best author I can think of when it comes to character development; I'm not just talking authors on here, I'm talking authors anywhere. You don't need to go into overwhelming detail; you just have to give us one line that tells us more than entire paragraphs would. In this section, there was one little line that confused me slightly;
    When he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he didn't recognize the boy who had left his boyfriend of four years with hickeys on his neck from the guy he'd been cheating on him with for the past six months. I'm trying to think of how to explain what about it confuses me but I'm not entirely sure what it is. I think its because of the lack of identity; I know it is Ryan looking in the mirror, but is he saying he can't recognize himself from Alex? That probably doesn't make any sense either. Moving on.

    February 17.

    I love the relationship you have between Ryan and Brendon in this; it just seems so incredibly realistic. I loved the simile Brendon asked, voice dry and dead, like firewood. Once again, it's only a few words but they convey so much meaning.

    February 18.

    This scene was such a contrast from the previous one that I actually had to read it twice. Up to this point, I wasn't really sure how to feel about Ryan's character; I both felt sorry for him and thought he was being slightly selfish. However, this section actually made me pity him and, once again, I could completely relate to how he was feeling. I know how it feels to want someone back after you let them go and you perfectly portrayed all the feelings that come with that situation.

    February 19.

    Brendon returned, sitting down next the boy on the couch. I believe there should be a to between next and the. I'm conflicted about how to feel again; it's obvious Ryan loves Brendon so I'm kind of rooting for him, but I also think Brendon is doing the right choice. I love how you almost brought the story full cycle by having Ryan hit Brendon. I may be looking too much into it but I also think it was appropriate that his slap was a little weaker than Brendon's punch. It's obvious that Ryan didn't realize how good he had it until it was all gone and without him, he seems kind of an incomplete person. I apologize if that isn't what you were going for at all or if that made no sense.

    February 20.

    I wasn't expecting that ending, at all. I think this was because, right up to this point, there'd been no mention of PATD; I wasn't sure if they even existed in this universe. I think not mentioning them made the ending more shocking though and gave me more insight into Ryan's character. I think that, if there was a sequel to this, Ryan would regret this decision as well. What I liked best about this ending, however, was how their relationship was flipped on its head and how Brendon, arguably, became the weak one. In a way, it's kind of ironic because now, he's in the exact same position Ryan was; he didn't know what he had until it was gone.

    Overall:

    Seriously Dru, everything you write fucking blows me away and this was absolutely no exception. I think this may be one of the best pieces I've ever read. You captured every emotion with only a few simple words; your writing was concise and to the point. There was no irrelevant events or descriptions and the story was just focused on their relationship, which made it that much more hard hitting, at least for me. Both characters were so, so realistic; I could relate to both and my heart actually hurt a bit, to be honest. Other than that one small typo, there was no mistakes.

    If I had even one ounce of your talent, I could die happy.
    Positive Ink, please.
    March 6th, 2011 at 04:45am
  • Ben Bruce

    Ben Bruce (100)

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    First and only chapter: First off, I really liked the first paragraph. I thought The letter, printed in cold and impersonal black ink, was dotted with his tears, gently sliding down his face before dropping onto the paper. was beautiful, especially describing the writing as "impersonal", it shows the harshness of what to come and I liked that.

    Your description is really intense, you find every little thing to describe and describe it in the most beautiful and intricate way, it also flows really well. It makes the whole thing feel really intense which is the way it's supposed to feel and that's what makes it so good.

    I will say that I didn't fully understand the choice of metaphors in this part: It crinkled underneath his head, laughing at the pain it was causing. That laughter gnawed away at his brain, tearing chunks from his gray matter until he snatched the paper up and tossed it into the bathtub. Even there, surrounded by stray hairs and water molecules, it continued to laugh. I'm not taking it literally, obviously, but I just feel like it doesn't put across Franks feelings all that well? I just thought of the HIV results "laughing" as quite an odd thing to say. I understand what you're going for but personally I didn't understand it fully.

    I liked the idea you barely specified who's addresses and numbers Mikey and Frank were ripping out. It made them seem insignificant and unimportant to them with the future they face. I got that, I thought it was a nice touch.

    I think it'd be nice to see a sequel from this, to see how Mikey and Frank deal with leaving everyone that would doubt them. Meaning this one shot leaves you begging for more, which is always a good quality to have with one shots, because I think a good one shot shouldn't give closure at the end, and this doesn't, it leaves both the characters residing in their fear of the future which I think is great.

    Well done, I enjoyed that :)

    *

    Breathing Has Got Too Hard Please ^.^ Focusing on chapters When everyday's the weekend and I feel I've failed please (The last 2 chapters)
    March 6th, 2011 at 08:06pm
  • loverfayce.

    loverfayce. (105)

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    Summary
    You do a nice job of giving an overall idea of the plot but making us have to figure out detail for ourselves. Your disclaimer isn't obnoxious or rude, which is always a plus. I wish the layout wasn't so dark and the blue background matched the banner better, though, but it doesn't matter all that much.

    I read all of this, and I'm just going to review the latest two chapters as requested aside from a couple things.
    First off, I know you said this isn't slash, but the way you write Ben makes it very easy to see why people think it is. His voice just sounds very feminine in my head and he's sort of dramatic, like girls tend to be. Also, the way he was freaking out when Danny was MSNing him. It's hard to write guys, I know; reading some stuff with a guy's narration might help you out.
    And secondly, I feel the need to point out that his mom driving him home from the hospital and leaving him to his own devices is VERY unlikely after a suicide attempt, even if it's his third one. Especially if it's his third one. His mom wouldn't be treating this as another bump in the road; she'd probably be on the verge of hysteria or at least some other strong emotion. Ben would also be required to go to counseling and whatnot.

    Anyways.

    Chapter Five
    Again, Ben examining himself in the mirror and the note on the refrigerator are just reenforcing some inconsistencies…
    I was actually a little surprised at Ben's age. He can drink? And he's been to college? The narration reads like he's a teenager.
    Damn, he let the motherload drop there, huh? Danny and Ben both. It's a little odd how comfortable they are around each other when they've talked once via internet and never seen each other in person before.
    Wow, Brendan is one angry dude. It's really nice how Danny sticks up for him… I'd like to know the reason of how he got like that.

    One thing I think is very good about this story is the dialogue. It reads really naturally, other than lacking a few comma, and it isn't stiff or scripted.

    Chapter Six
    Okay, I like this reaction Ben's having. I think it's a lot more realistic than most stuff thus far, and it sort of suggests a mental imbalance, him getting so mad at himself over mostly nothing. You mentioned cutting was like an addiction to him, and him punching the dresser was a good way of showing the frustration but restraint at the same time. The choppy sentences used around here match the mood, too.
    Here's the concerned mother I've been missing! This chapter is all-around better than the rest of the story, in my opinion. It really shows that he has a problem more than the rest of them, where he's made out (or makes himself out) to be normal.

    Overall, this is a decent story with a very original plot. If you worked at it this could turn out to be something really impressive!
    Spun Down, please.
    I'd like the latest chapter (5 - try to pretend a little) to be the main focus of the review, but if it's not too much trouble, could you read the rest to see if it flows and whatnot? Thanks!
    March 7th, 2011 at 11:46pm
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    PROLOGUE
    Well, I really adore the prologue, the whole analogy of comparing a romance to spinning. It was very lyrical and philosophical, gave me this reminiscent feeling about the story and planted it in my mind.
    Great work!

    Part 1 aka Chapter 2(Sorry I'm messing these chapter numbers up)
    Chapter 2 was really great, well and descriptive. I actually felt the characters heartache and you didn't make it boring.
    I like readers who take out the time to dig deep into the moment and you did that.

    Part 2 aka Chapter 3
    Chapter 3 is nice.
    I like the reluctant attitude, shows she's still holding onto what she wanted.
    And I liked the added history on the family as well, it made things clearer for me. So, her mother is like moving around because of lost jobs and relationships gone wrong?
    Makes me curious.
    I wish there would be a bit of character description though.

    Part 3 aka Chapter 4
    Chapter 4 was well, new horizons being approached I'd say.
    You do a great job of going into the character's head, but I sort of lost the visual effect.
    Cassidy seemed like she was a part of the whole social dynamic of the school while at the same time sort of challenging it.
    I mean, now that I've read this chapter, it's starts to make a little more sense why Jeremy and the main character are friends. They both seem to be in situations where they are trapped.
    And I'm becoming more curious on Jeremy's character as well.
    I did like the longer chapter length, but the several place movements sort of made it seemed segmented in a way.

    Chapter 5
    Once again, you go very well into the main character's mind.
    I'm still very curious about the family's past because it seems to have a large effect on the present you know? The dad, mom's lost jobs... Why?
    And it's cool that Jeremy and the main character are getting closer. I like the characters, but I'm waiting for the depth and conflicts to dig in.

    OVERALL, the story is nice. It has great potential, but I'm looking for the areas of conflict early on and it sort of seems unfocused a bit. And a better sense of scene selection would be good, grounding the reader in one scene before moving onto another and the shorter chapters make that a bit more difficult.

    Time Stands Still
    March 11th, 2011 at 05:01pm
  • tabula rasa.

    tabula rasa. (120)

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    I really like the banner and the background you used—It’s simple and isn’t distracting, which is nice.

    Summary
    The summary is well written and really pulls me in. I’m already interested to see what the story is all about. I do enjoy a story with some mystery. I also like that the summary doesn’t give too much away which really makes someone want to read more so that we can figure out what’s going on.

    Chapter One
    I really like how you set up the story with this first chapter. Your descriptions were well done as well. I liked how the cliffs were described: But, it fit the cliff’s appearance well. Below the strings and strobes of death gray rocks and stone, the cliff met its treacherous end to caves of dark water and razor sharp teeth. It gives off an ominous feeling and you can just get this sense that bad things happen here, or have happened here (which is proven at the end of the chapter.)

    My only criticism so far is the paragraphing. You have some instances more towards the beginning where you have paragraphs that are only one sentence and it feels a little awkward to read that way. The formatting is just a little weird.

    Chapter Two
    I like the contrast of emotions between Kyle and Max. In the first chapter, Kyle talked about how he wouldn’t cry and wasn’t hesitant about being near the cliff. Max in this chapter shows emotion towards the event that happened ( I shook the tears from my eyes, forcing a smile.) and is even hesitant to go to Chelsea’s house just because it’s near the cliff. I like that these two characters are completely different (Kyle and Max, just to clarify) but are dealing with the same problem.

    This chapter made me more curious as to what happened at the cliff.

    Chapter Three
    His hair was something he threatened to never change, even when his mother nagged at him about it.

    He never cleaned his room either.

    This section just seemed kind of out of place; the second line more so than the first. The second line just seems unnecessary.

    Running was the only thing I was good at, even if it sometimes made me feel ashamed. I think this was a good line to end the chapter with, it just kind of grabs your attention and gets you wondering even more.

    I like your dialog, but reading this chapter I noticed more that you don’t use much of ‘he said’, ‘she said’, etc. For me, it makes reading the dialog less smooth and a bit awkward without some sort of break in-between.

    Overall, I think this story looks promising. If I have time I may come back and read more. You’ve started it out really well and you’re good at keeping the mystery consistent, which makes me want to keep reading so I can find out what happens.

    It’s quite good. Cute
    Perfect, please. Cute
    March 12th, 2011 at 04:14am
  • loverfayce.

    loverfayce. (105)

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    Summary
    I like this layout. Like a lot. I judge stories so much based on layout; this one is really good. It's so delicate and pretty and the banner picture is gorgeous. The summary gives a nice neat little glimpse into Ryan's mind and what the story's about.

    Chapter
    I've read a few books on ballerinas and all the stuff they have to go through… like pointe shoes and how unnatural they are and how much pressure is put on weight/body shape. It's sort of interesting to see if from the other side of the spectrum; someone admiring, looking in. I like how easily you show Ryan's mannerisms without saying like, HE'S CRAZY outright. Anorexia in guys is hard to portray right, cause it's so uncommon, so it's interesting how you've paired this with an obsession to make it seem more real. Although Ryan Ross is a pretty girly guy to begin with… it's a cool idea haha.

    Ryan thought of the flat stomachs.

    “No thanks,” he answered, smiling at Brendon. “I’m not hungry right now.”
    I love how simple this line is, but how much it says at the same time.

    Brendon is so sweet. And Ryan is such an easy liar. That's one of my favorite combinations. That line about the ballerina being perfect, and Brendon saying Ryan was perfect, ahhh that was painful. Anorexia stories are so painful.

    Ryan having a seizure… that seems a bit weird. Do people usually have seizures because of not eating? I get the explanation you put in there, but he would have had to lose some serious weight; so much he'd be burning muscle instead of fat and he wouldn't even be able to go to the gym at all… there'd be a lot more episodes, like passing out and stuff before it went that far, I think.

    You also say Ryan is now going to the gym pretty compulsively, and I wish you'd emphasize the over-exercising part of the disorder too. Over-exercising is less common as far as eating disorders, so it'd be an interesting thing to read more about it. Maybe something in Ryan's perspective before he passes out?

    Brendon's reaction to finding out was spot-on, though, I liked seeing the doubt and the self-blaming. But Ryan's recovery seems extremely sudden. He wouldn't just go home and immediately want to get better… chances are he wouldn't even think he was doing something wrong. I mean, he just wants to get thin, right? It's that sort of mentality… I wish there was more of his thought process in this. The ending was adorable, though, I'll give you that.

    Overall
    I liked this. It was a decent piece, you know, it told about some unconventional things in a relatively believable way. But it wasn't anything spectacular. And this could be something spectacular, it really could be.
    I think the main element this story is missing is pain. Cold, harsh, raw pain. Ryan would be in so much pain, emotional distress, physical deterioration. The part about Ryan vomiting for the second time was one of the sections that hit the hardest; it was so raw. Stories about stuff like this shouldn't gloss it over or beat around the bush, they should face everything and tell it like it. It makes for a more hard-hitting tale that way.

    I truly think this has a lot of potential. The whole scenario is something that you could really dig into, and I think it would be 100% worth it to dive a little deeper into the gritty parts of this.
    Spun Down, please.
    I'd like the main focus of the review to be on chapter 5 (try to pretend a little), but reading the rest of the piece would be excellent so you get some context.
    March 12th, 2011 at 04:59am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    I know I'm subscribed to this story, but I don't know if I ever got the chance to read any of it. Anywho, I'll read chapter five and go back to the rest at a later date and leave you a comment on the story as a whole. :]

    Layout To be honest, I'm not a fan. I like the main photo you've used but I don't like the green tones and the grass background. It's just weird looking to me. Also the part I just chilling after the second chapter looks weird to me, and since you don't have that after the other chapters I don't think it has a purpose.

    Chapter Five
    This mom totally sounds like my own mother. She'll cry for like an hour then clean the world. I totally can relate to this character. Apparently 'moper' isn't a word. According to my Microsoft Word it isn't so I don't know if you want to change that or just keep it. I would keep it, it fits and I can't think of a better word for it. One thing to keep note of, normally[this is something I was taught in English] what you call a member of your family, whether she calls her mom, Mama, or Mother. Whatever it is has to be capitalized. Since I'm guessing it's Mom, you should capitalize it considering that's what she calls her and in a way it's her 'name'. At least that's what I was taught for English.

    A hundred percent. This would sound better as One hundred percent.

    It surprised a little, but, I mean, I wasn’t one to argue. I don't know if you kept the 'me' out on purpose, but there's that. and there doesn't need to be a comma after 'but'.

    With me and Jeremy, Should be With Jeremy, and me.

    So there were a few parts that I found where words or commas could've been changed or added, but nothing that has to be done. It sounds completely fine the way it is. To be honest with you, I'm and that I chose to review this because I really like it. I'm glad that nothing major happened in this chapter that would possibly ruin the rest of the story for me, but I wish I would've read it from the beginning. If I'm not already subscribed I'm definitely going to do so now.
    Please review Fragile Things. Preferably the later chapters.
    March 17th, 2011 at 05:28pm
  • colour me perfect.

    colour me perfect. (100)

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    Story Review Game.
    To be honest, it's completely coincidental that this was waiting to be claimed on the review thread and that I'm yet to read the latest chapter. So I'm going to give you more feedback on Chapter Seven as well as all of the little tidbits.

    I really love the layout. The background is simple and almost angelic in a way, which contrasts to the overview of the story. It's the banner that really introduces the horror and animosity that this story will become, so in a way it's almost contradicting itself. I really like that.

    The first time I came across this story I only skimmed over the summary, but now that I've read it I'm pretty awed. Not only is it written incredibly well, but it also gives across the information in a way that's frustratingly vague but utterly appealing. Your relations to the sun and light always amaze me, and I love the way that it's as though when the light disappears the dark takes over and conjures up the monsters of life. It's a really well-written summary; something I can see being on the back of a book.

    I knew I had to be dreaming because in this seeming paradise, I could feel the warmth of a sun. Again you relate things to the sun and to the light, and how much it's longed for. You sneak in these references that seem to mean so much to the story and yet you hide them, which in a way is very clever in intself because it makes you stop and think. I'm finding that I have to read over each paragraph a few times in case I've missed something that's important to the story as a whole.

    Your desciptions are a particular strong point. You incorporate the colour of the world really well, and it's almost as if I'm reading the story through an artist's eyes.

    I love the way you add in little analagies such as kissing the tips of my fingers; they add to the fluidity of your writing and just prove what a good writer you are. They're clever and creative.

    I really enjoy the idea of the memories, and how little bits are erased. You always seem to have your stories so well planned out that each chapter is important to the overall storyline, and so that each chapter has an idea of its own. You add so many little small pieces together to make a story that I could see sitting on the shelves.

    “I’m here to save you.” I literally re-read that line over and over because it just stood out to me. It seems to me that it's going to be the basis of Noah's place in Annabelle's life for the rest of the story, and it shows a little bit of Noah's own strength and his reason to be there.

    The last paragraph is really shocking in relation to the rest of the story because of Noah's sudden change of heart. It shows that even though he can be sweet and humane, he's also still the monster she has been taught to fear and that he's not yet on her side.

    Overall this chapter and the story in general are amazing. I haven't found any mistakes in your work, and all of it flows perfectly. The characters are compatible and believable and I'm interested in seeing how they grow both together and individually. Great job!

    ----

    Review on Satellite Heart, please.
    March 18th, 2011 at 10:34am
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    I loved the banner and layout. I’m excited about reading this because of how the story is set up. Already I get a mysterious and suspenseful feeling and the music I’m listening to right now is a perfect match.

    The first paragraph is a great attention getter because I have no idea where he is, at first I thought he was running away from something chasing him because of his hands being sweaty. He was classifying all the symptoms of a panic attack, I’m curious as to why, and that makes me want to continue.

    “It reached my heart, wrapping its black fingers around the fragile organ and tainting it with its bitter poison.”

    Your descriptions are morbid, vivid and beautiful. I’m a sucker for descriptive stories, but there were times I had to reread sentences because the descriptions were too heavy, but nonetheless I adored them. It puts me right into the story, feeling what he’s feeling. All the uncertainty and doubt that’s going on in his mind, I felt it as well…and I think that's somewhat beautiful.

    “I had become madness itself; the blackness of my own craziness covering my entire body and rendering me useless and unfixable.”

    This is another sentence that caught my attention. It makes you think about every detail and word being said. “I had become madness” for some reason your writing reminds me of Joseph Conrad’s story Heart of Darkness a very old story that you’ve probably never heard of, but I like it and that’s a good thing in my book. It’s about a group of men traveling into the Congo of Africa and your main character is like the main character, Marlow in that book. Just the darkness that surrounds this story and him as well. Also, the semi-colon in that sentence is not needed a comma would suffice.

    I thought the ending was done nicely and left room for the next chapter, which I’ll be reading as well.

    “She was looking at me like I couldn’t break her, like she was seeing the world through I different lens to what I was and I longed to share it with her.”

    You have a small typo is this sentence and I bolded it for you. So far, to be honest I wasn’t impressed as I was with the prologue. Your descriptions that started describing how Tyler felt were kind of cliché. However, I can tell you do have potential for this to be a promising story.

    I was consumed by madness.”

    There’s that line again, and reading that automatically placed me back into this story. This scene gave life to the story because it explained why Tyler was going crazy in the prologue, but this part here gave a more understand of his madness and where its roots were coming from in his childhood.

    “I was out of my body again. I was in the corner of the room, just a spirit looking down at my body and shouting at it to take it all back and to stop her tears.”

    Before that sentence, I liked this part the best because it was very emotional. Tyler is a disturbed young man and you portray that very well, we as readers still don’t truly understand why yet though. When characters are like this in stories I like to call it the Holden Caulfield syndrome. This part was emotional and I felt for Tyler because of what he’d been though and seen.

    “I wanted to die because I was insane. I needed to die, because that’s what you did to people like me. You killed them before they could hurt someone else.”

    Tyler maybe insane, but I think his insanity has a purpose and I just don’t know what it is yet. I think he’s not crazy just a little misguided into what he really needs to do with his time on Earth. Therefore, I think the last part was my favorite of them all. This section made me feel the same way I did while reading the prologue. It was intense and my attention was consumed with your words the whole way through. As I stated before, I had my up and downs with this, but overall I really liked it. Your writing style is lovely and it’s not hard to follow. Keep up the good work!
    ---

    You can read either Shutterbug or Not Promised Tomorrow or both (whichever is honestly fine). They are related and the first one isn't that long. Thanks.
    March 18th, 2011 at 07:33pm
  • Melly Belly.

    Melly Belly. (205)

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    Melly Belly.:
    Shutterbug:
    Although this was short I really liked it. Towards the end it started to get better. The last paragraph was my favorite. It created such a vivid picture of their relationship. You did a great job at displaying Faye’s emotions.

    The layout was nice and it fit with the mood. I loved how the title came from a line in the story.

    Overall I really liked this. Cute

    Not Promised Tomorrow:
    Logan seems to be a much more complicated character than Faye. I loved how much detail you put into the place he was trapped it. At first I wasn’t aware he had killed himself until the voice said so. I don’t know if you did that on purpose or if I just missed something.
    I feel like maybe there could have been a little more back story.

    I love the border around the story it’s a very nice touch. The title fit’s the story lovely. It leads the reader to believe maybe Logan won’t get a second chance.

    I wish there had been a more detailed ending, but it was sweet none the less.

    I only notice one mistake: “I didn’t even have a life to being with.” I think you meant begin. Cute

    I really liked both stories. You’re writing is full of emotion which makes for a good story.
    Tin Pan Alley.
    Both chapters if you don't mind.
    March 20th, 2011 at 01:00am
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    So, I read both chapters and I have to say I loved them. The layout was beautiful and got across the image of the time period.
    I might seem dense, but I wasn't sure if it was fan fic or not, but it didn't matter even if it was.

    Chapter 1
    You crafted a good image so far of a man in a time period. The first chapter sort of held this lowering feeling of insignificance from the main character in the beginning and it eventually shifted towards the end.
    I liked how you didn't pile up on all the characters at once. It made it very easy to be able to digest because it can be rather annoying when authors do that.

    Chapter 2
    The chapter was quite interesting. I think the whole musical effect gives it a great feel too, musicians falling in love is always a magnificent idea with two souls that appreciate art. And the ending was great, two men finally embracing their feelings for one another gave a very good ending to it.

    Overall
    Keep up the great work. I'm gonna subscribe because I like it so much.
    Time Stands Still
    March 23rd, 2011 at 07:51pm
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    I'm only doing the first couple chapters, as I'm hitting up the beach tomorrow and I don't have time to review much more than that before I go to bed :)

    The layout is extremely pretty. It sort of gives you negative thoughts with th scratches, which works I think. It's lovely. Plus that image, oh god, entirely breathtaking.

    I like the beginning- I can this this as a movie after I think about it for a second and I can hear him narrating it. I can see an angryish track teacher grinning, supporting his team and trying to motivate them to work harder.

    The sudden stop and the description makes my heart beat quick. It feels tense and fast, especially with the spacing of the paragraphs. Everything plays into this sort of story for me- very intense and I love the lack of detail at points. Really lets the story paint it's own image in my mind, and I love that sort of stuff. I can see a flashback going on, or a cutaway scene as we watch an ominous camera shooting images of everything. It's awesome.

    That newspaper broke my heart, ohmygod. It's like, you almost expected it, but you didn't at the same time. You can just see the kid staring at it in like, horror before walking away. I know how much it hurts to lose a friend to any form of death; it's sort of just a heartbreaking moment where you realize "I'll never see them again. I'll never hear them again." That's all I can think. That's sort of what I feel like Max is thinking too- I'm loving this so far.

    The next bit opening with the lyrics is perfect. It's a great transition, like it's a polariod popping up of a moment in Max's life and we get to glimpse it. I love how you describe Chealsea as alternative- actually, I just adore this narrative style. It's not too much, it's not too little, and it's not too drone onandonandon. It's just... right. As I said- I can see a movie in my mind and it's great.

    I like how Max almost seems reluctant to go to her house. And I love all the cutaways to facts. I wonder if those two boys think Max was involved in the death of Kyle, yanno? You have this set up like amazingly; I half expect a twist ending where Max has like, actually killed Kyle because he has an entire alternate personality tehe It's just the way I think.

    You've got a pretty good story here, honestly. When I'm not half asleep, I'll finish this and probably leave you a nice comment about it 'cause it's sort of awesome. I feel like you're going to use this wind thing a lot, and that's got me interested like mad because it's not often someone will consistently use a concept they introduced in the beginning without overusing it or not using it enough. Sort of seems like you'll use it just the right amount, though.

    Nice work :)
    City Lights Burn.

    Please, review all of it. The entire thing is under 1,300 words, tehe
    March 27th, 2011 at 04:16am