Story Review Thread

  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Story Review Thread

    Layout
    I like the layout, and the photo used. But I don't like that the text color is so close to the background color. It's slightly difficult to read, so I would recommend either darkening the text color or lightening the background color. Also, I don't think titles need punctuation unless they're like commas or something. So you don't need a period.

    Summary
    I love the main females name. Riley Noelle, that's definitely unique and pretty. I'm also curious as to the general plot of the story. But the last bit where you introduced Orlando was very abrupt. I think that could've been executed a bit better.

    Chapter one
    Surely, she could just feel Miami’s pull being lifted from her, the hooks peeling out of her back like a body suspensionist reluctantly coming down, right? I'm pretty sure suspensionist isn't a word.

    I really enjoyed the first chapter. It was a good beginning piece. However parts I felt like could've been expanded. Like the bit about the elevator. I thought that maybe you could've branched off and explained that story just so we could connect more with Riley. I loved that she got a smoke covered room and yet she ordered a room without smoking. That was clever.

    Chapter two.
    I feel stupid. I thought Orlando was meant to be a person not the place. lmfao.

    There was one other Noel, and no Rileys. Since you spell her name Noelle, I think you should spell it Noelle in this sentence. And since it's plural it'd be Riley's.

    . Noelle would never find that amount of angerhateregret coursing through her system again, realizing she’d been entirely shunned from her family. Part of me feels that the angerhateregret bit would have more effect if it was italicized.

    So I liked this chapter. But the whole mean mom, who kicks the daughter out and the bitter daughter is something I find super cliche. It's done too much in stories on here where the mother and daughter have a bad relationship. I'd like it to be a good relationship, but the daughter just wants to go off. I don't get why her mom has such a problem with her daughter going to Disney. That just seems...weird to me.

    Chapter three
    I like this chapter, it was a sweet moment between the two. But you don't really delve into anything. It's just little scenarios and we don't get much insight on your characters. These new people just popped out of nowhere and we never learn how they meet or how anything between them have started. That's what I'd like to see is more insight to your characters. Moments between them or memories.

    Otherwise, you're a fantastic writer. Your wording and vocabulary is great.
    Fragile Things. focus on later chapters please.
    March 28th, 2011 at 06:47pm
  • youth and whiskey.

    youth and whiskey. (415)

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    Layout: The layout is fabulous, but your layouts always are. The banner adds a lot to the story, the mood instantly faltered and darkened a bit for me. But yes, it's gorgeous.

    Summary: The summary added a lot of suspense and wondering for me. You really hooked me and pulled me in with this, as I want to know what the actual fuck is going on. I mean, the last paragraph made my blood run cold. I'm being legit.

    When the water ran red, and the sky faded black—we hid.

    From this sentence, I knew that I must read this and I knew that I would absolutely love it. The way you phrased that sentence! When the water ran red. Jeez, that part just. . .it makes my blood run a little slower and colder; makes curiousity eat away at my brain; and makes me want to type faster so I can actually read.

    Since you requested the later chapters, I will start at chapter six and read until nine.

    Chapter Six - the teeth: The names of your chapters are brilliant and add to the wonder of the plot.

    I glanced over, shocked to see in that short amount of time, Noah had managed to shut and lock the door. I just gett a sickening feeling that Noah isn't a human.

    We returned to the bed and I set the fallen chair back up and sat in it, though my fingers wrapped around the hand rests in a vice grip. I watched in mute fascination as Noah’s eyes shut and wounds appeared on his skin—laceration after laceration physically being painted on. I noticed suddenly that blood was slowly seeping from each wound, and he winced as each cut was made. This paragraph made chills run down my spin. Seriously? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE? I guess this is what I get for reading out of order. Anyway, the wording was gorgeous.

    “I’m not a cannibal, Annabelle. I don’t enjoy human flesh. It’s the blood that I crave,” he said it as though he was quoting something, and smiled. I couldn’t contain the scream this time as several rows of dagger like teeth extended from his gums and glinted in the light with saliva. I couldn’t stop the scream when he lunged at me.

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, HE'S AN OLD SCHOOL VAMPIRE!
    Anyway, now that that's cleared up, I will tell you that this is genius, gorgeous, horrifying, and so on. It's probably my most favorite thing that you have ever written. Your grammar is impeccable, imagry is gorgeous and vivid. Honestly, this is like some freaky deaky movie shit. Which I love. I could seriously see this on the silver screen, bb. ;D
    On this chapter, I have no con. crit. to give you because it's. . perfect. Fabulous job!

    Chapter Seven - the illusion.

    I was no longer in the dank, dreary hospital beside Noah; I was in a place with luscious shrubbery and winding vines. This is a beauitufl use of detail, as well as an awesome use of the word 'dank,' as it's one of my favorite words. <3

    “There are many things we can do that you’ve never dreamed of Annabelle,” he murmured and I knew he was standing behind me. I straightened and turned to face him; his arms at his side and I noticed that his skin was darker…tanned. “I’m projecting my memories into your cerebrum. There is no sun because I can’t remember what it looks like…it’s been a long time since I last saw the sun.” This paragraph. . .jeez, the weight behind it makes me stagger a bit. Not sure what that weight is, but it's there. And for some reason, him not being able to remember what the sun looks like made me laugh. I guess it's because of the fact we see it everyday.

    God, the rest of the chapter was a total mind-fuck. How shitty would that be? Like, this whole situation, not to mention the fact that Jacob is coming back and what-not. You really know how to fuck shit up, br0. But, that is why I love you and your creations 'cause god knows happiness is overrated! :D Once again, you've done a fabulous job on this chapter. I feel bad because I can leave you with no con. crit. . because your skills are far broader than mine and I have nothing to suggest. o_o

    Chapter Eight - the tears. OMFG, A SHORT CHAPTER?!

    Anyway, it was very, very interesting and really showed me a lot into this girls mind. The detailing was exquisited. I am blown away that Jacob is already there, though. I mean, how perfect of timing! I really have fallen in love with this story. It's original, beautiful, and so many other things, but mind-blowing is probably the biggest one.

    I do hate to short you a chapter, but I'm going to have to come back to chapter nine later. I need to help out around the house for a little while and it'll take me forever to do so and read your story at the same time, so I'll end this with a promise to read / comment on chapter nine. <3

    Oh, and I find it an extreme coincidence that Jacob's last name is Collins. I have an older cousin whose name is Jacob Collins. Hahahhaha.
    Demons any chapters are fine with me.
    April 2nd, 2011 at 03:16pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

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    summary/layout;
    i quite love the summary. it's gorgeous. it gives you the dark feeling the story seems to have. i like that there's no red. red&black seems to be the common go-to color scheme for dark fics and i like that this used another color. i loved the first two paragraphs of the summary. really drew me in. the third one [the short one] seemed out of place, like it was written with a completely different tone and i didn't really care for it. i felt like the narrator was patronizing the girl and making her seem stupid, which i didn't get from the first part of the summary.

    chapter one;
    the opening is great. the title of the chapter didn't click with me right away so i had to read it twice, but i didn't mind, which is always a good sign.

    the part where he says "long term girlfriend" stuck out to me though. this is first person and most people i know don't think in those words. most people would either say 'girlfriend' or 'time' instead of 'term'. it just seemed awfully formal to me when it doesn't seem that the character talks that way.

    But I didn't want her asking questions. I hated it when she asked questions.
    i love the repetition with the 'asking question's part here. it flows really well.

    She was going to start noticing my oddities sooner or later, if she hasn't already.
    something about the word 'hasn't' strikes me as off. should it be 'hadn't'? the story's past-tense and this is present. it doesn't read as technically wrong to me, but it does stand out as being off.

    oooooh, so is this a serial killer/murder story? i was expecting an actual demon for some reason, so it surprised me. i'm interested. it doesn't seem like it's going to end well for the girl whether he kills her or not though.

    chapter two;
    And that's when I saw it, an absolute spread across her entire angelic face.
    and absolute what? or is absolute supposed to be a noun that i'm not understanding?

    one thing i notice that i like is that the summary seemed more focused on the girl even though the story is in his first person point of view. i think it's interesting 'cause it's not what we're expecting.

    chapter three;
    i'm not personally a fan of pov switches. i'm not a fan of first person in general, though i think you've pulled it off amazingly so far. and i'm one of those people who doesn't always read the chapter titles. even with the chapter title though, it wasn't clearly written so i had to go back and reread once i realized.

    but something was defiantly wrong.
    i think you meant 'definitely' instead of 'defiantly'.

    I realized. I would have to get that key and see what was in this chest even if it led to my demise.
    this sentence seems odd. if it were third person, the ending of the sentence would make sense. but i haven't really seen a leap in eyrn that would indicate she thinks her boyfriend is a homicidal maniac, so i'm not sure why she would use that choice of wording. i think you're trying to cast a sense of foreshadowing, but with first person it sometimes can't be done as blatantly because the character isn't aware of everything.
    You can review either In My Mouth, Milk or On the Sixth Day. All are NC-17 BDSM slash fics. Please read the warnings for each of them and pick which one you'd prefer.

    (Or, if BDSM squicks you, then you can review Brendon, You Asshole. It's also NC-17.)
    April 2nd, 2011 at 07:22pm
  • the redhead's cho

    the redhead's cho (100)

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    I really love what you do with these things Dru. I don't know how you do it, but it's wonderful.

    Story Layout and Summary
    The layout is superb. I don't know how you do them, but it works really well. I love the green that you use. It just has this very almost relaxing feel to it. I also like that you have the summary in a slightly bigger font as well as having the enema ingredients in that brilliant white. It just calls out to the reader and draws them in on a base level you can't quite resist.

    Story Content
    You, my dear, have found the essence of sexy adorable couple love and managed to bottle it all into these characters. As you read through this you find yourself getting drawn in. I found myself, once again, simply stunned by the way that you manage to build this world and keep the reader captivated. I also like how every now and then you just give these little throw backs to other times that they've been together. Like when Brendon is finally fucking Ryan and Ryan is thinking about how normal they look even though they do have these aspects of BDSM in their relationship.

    So there were a few things that I did notice were a little off. his head falling into the pillows as he collapsed on his arms, support following to his elbows. Shouldn't that be falling? There was another one but I forgot to mark it so fail on me!

    But honestly, this is just so well written. You convey the emotions clearly and the picture that is painted for us is so vivid that you don't even have to close your eyes to imagine it. You can almost feel the things that Brendon and Ryan might be. Or you can imagine that you do. I think has to be one of my favorite one-shots on mibba now. Mind it's a guilty pleasure one, but I just love everything about it. The interaction of the characters, the realness of all of it. There are so many things to praise about this story and I'm more likely to babble than be able to actually say just how brilliant this actually is.
    Tick Tick Fuck
    April 4th, 2011 at 08:58pm
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    ^ Done.
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    Story Pic.: Looks nice. Looks like something I can do on photoshop (Just bragging Joe, don't worry about it)

    Summery: It's short and sweet. Doesn't tell too much, doesn't tell too little.

    Chapter One: Lord, that was short. It had my interest (at the sweat part) and then it died, because it wasn't right. That's something one would put as their summery, not a chapter of their story. It was a little too confusing for a story chapter also. Felt like I was reading a poem.

    Chapter Two: The beginning is nice. And I'm happy you put some dialogue in there before I lost my head. Dialogue is key. It sets up an idea of how the characters interact and sometimes their personalities come through in it.

    When getting to the parts where the characters start to reflect emotion, perhaps you should lose some of the fancy pantsy words. I know that when I'm upset, I don't think of words such as desperation. I know this is in 3rd person, but I know there's a way you can connect the characters feelings with the story teller without it coming off too much as 1st person POV. But I guess it all depends on the reader.

    "The words produced a flinch" Mm, maybe it's the way you write, but I think that sounds too... I don't know, it doesn't flow too well. Perhaps you could have said "He flinched at his words." that way it flows better and doesn't sound too story telling. When I'm reading a story, I don't want to feel like I'm reading a story, I want to feel like I'm living the story. If you know what I mean.

    Okay, I'm having the feeling that this is a slash, but I'm not sure. If it isn't... I don't know. Maybe it's just me. (Am I being too tough of a critic? I feel like it)

    "The world seemed to stand still. The shrill laughter. The shuffling cards. The clacking dice. The spinning roulette. The cries of victory. "

    This is nice, nice imagery. Me like, me gusta!

    "If I do this Arthur...you both have to stay out of my life forever. I never want to see either of you again."

    Right here, I believe you're supposed to start a new paragraph.

    I would click the song, but it's late at night and I don't feel like hearing music. Plus I'm not a big fan of rock, which I'm assuming it is. But I think it's cool that you have a song on here. I don't think you're supposed to have the actual video showing. I believe you're supposed to have the link to the video instead. Make sure you check that out in the rules for stories.

    Chapter Three:
    I like how you have a flash back, I like flash backs. Just wish you made it a little more clearer to tell that it was a flash back instead of just using italics. Like having the sentence before it have something like "Just thinking back on it..." or something like "He remembers..." whatever. Something like that.

    Again, too many complicated words that make someone have to crack out a dictionary. It's cool every once in a while, but when doing a fiction story, words like those tend to break the slight poetic sense of the story and make it sound like regurgitated information on the character.

    "I don't think out loud," he argued. "You're just reading my mind."

    I like that. It reminds me of how me and my sister tend to say some things that are on our mind out loud.

    The bags were torn from their faces and the light speared their eyes trying to burn and scar the delicate tissue as they screwed the orbs close.

    Yikes, scary. You might want to tone that description down some.

    Oh I see, it's a bi-sexual fling going on.

    Okay, I'll give it too you, you got me interested. Not many stories do that. Aren't you glad I came across your story that was almost forgotten? I'm sorry, I get really brazen during late hours of the night. I'll subscribe to keep me and you satisfied, so I can have a good read. As long as you throw away some of those fancy words that kill the flow, I'll be aight.
    As much as you can do from chapter 8 - 10, only if you're up for the challenge. If not, just tackle chapter 10. Dream Life
    April 16th, 2011 at 04:16am
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    The layout was simple, didn't distract from the story at all
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    Chapter 8
    I like the chapter a lot. I live in Ohio in a sucky area and all the language and mannerisms and vulgarity was spot on. It was a sad chapter to see how the mother got hurt like that.
    In the craziest of ways, I can relate to Tyrone(father cheated on my mom, step dad went to prison, etc, etc), but without all his ghetto dangerousness. I'm a nice boy :)
    But, his story is very compelling. He's like the boy I want to root for because I love underdogs and I just wanna see him get better and do better. But, this chapter was great for raising the stakes.
    It was very dense, but did a good job of introducing a problem, complicating it, and finding some sort of complicating solution to that.
    Great work

    Chapter 9
    I thought Ja'Trell was cool. I like the fact he cared about his little brother and it really made his character nice to read, showed a soft side.
    And the back story was very interesting, mother gone crazed and dead father. Very tragic like a lot of stories in urban areas. I really like it though, how Ja'Trell at least started to try or has processed some of his feelings.
    I really like the part of him saying that he was "naive" and still felt "naked to the world".
    And I want him to end up with that hair braid girl!

    Chapter 10
    :( is all I can say.
    They killed the snitch and who knows what'll happen from here. Crazy chapter.
    Tyrone obviously likes that girl, but he seems like he's ruining it..
    But, no weakness in the ghetto, right?

    OVerall: I have NEVER fiction heavily set in a urban area just cause I'm usually sick of seeing it in real life, but your story has heart. Past all the rough and jagged edges of the characters, I can see the heart in them which is totally cool. And I like that
    Time Stands Still
    I'd like some review on Chapter 17, 18, and 19.
    April 18th, 2011 at 01:03am
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    I'm sorry, but I don't have the time to give a decent review on all three of the chapters you specified, and I feel like if I rushed through the all, the review wouldn't be as helpful, so my focus us going to be on chapter 17. Please keep in mind that I'm coming into this story midway through, so if something I comment on or am confused by seems a little off, that's more than likely why.

    Anyways, I really like the simplicity of your layout. It isn't crazy-distracting like so many that I come across, so that gives more room for your writing to speak for itself. I thought the banner choice was a nice way of tying in some symbolism because just from reading the summary, I'm assuming that this cliff plays a huge role in the story. It's also just a eery, looming sort of cliff, which ties in perfectly to the scene you've set up just on this first page.

    Chapter 17

    First off, I really enjoyed how you chose to begin this chapter with the interaction between Kyle and his father. Personally, I've never had any relationship with my father, so I tend to write characters that are the same way, but it was definitely interesting to read this father-son dynamic. I feel like just through this short conversation/confrontation between the two, I can sort of catch a glimpse of how their relationship has been throughout Kyle's life, and how strained it is in this moment.

    I also loved how even though I entered this story at chapter 17, as soon as I read the first few paragraphs in this chapter, I instantly got a feeling for Kyle's character just through his narration and his relatable, straight-forward attitude. Everyone goes through those moments where they don't see eye-to-eye with their parents, and though this is an extreme situation, I feel that the reader is able to take their personal disagreements with their parents and reflect them onto Kyle, so that makes him all the more relatable.

    I also thought the paragraph where Kyle recalls looking over the photo album was an amazing touch, and it kinda worked to bring the story together for me because I could see, through Kyle's eyes, the relationship that these characters shared and how devastated and disappointed Kyle is that those times have vanished.

    The only thing, content-wise, that I wasn't incredibly big on was that, just in the small mention, the football players are sort of portrayed to be total dicks, and I feel like that's kind of a cliché generalization, so that didn't really sit well with me.

    Overall, the one thing that struck me the most about this chapter, style-wise, was how subtlely you wove in these small descriptions such as a simple gesture or a physical trait, and that's really the type of descriptions that I prefer as opposed to the flowery-drawn out ones. They're just a bit overwhelming and boring to me, but a lot of people equate flowery language and descriptions with good writing, so that's all you see. I always get a little excited when I come across the more minimalistic descriptions XD

    I did caught a few grammatical errors in the chapter, so I'm just going to list them here:

    “I don’t know Dad.” - There should be a comma after "know."

    “Now tell me what you’re problem is.” - "You're" should be "your."

    And you were too stupid to realize how cool he was so you let your friends walk all over him. - You need a comma after "was".

    I expected him to shout back, make some sort of ruckus outside my school, and maybe even hit me which he rarely did. - There should be a comma after "me."

    He saw you as his dad because he wasn’t close to his own and when he came out, you pushed him away. - There should be a comma before "and" here.

    After dinner at Abby’s parent’s house on Tuesday, Reggie had handed me a photo album. - Shouldn't it be "parents'"? I'm assuming from the way that you worded it that she has two.

    This album reminded me of that and I thought Max would enjoy it just as much and maybe even more than I might. - There should be a comma before the first "and."

    Overall, from just the chapter that I read, I thought this was an interesting story, and I feel that you've really done an amazing job of fleshing out all of your characters as well as the backstory.

    I wish you luck as you continue with this =)
    Please review Degausser. If you have the time, all three chapters (they're relatively short), if not, I'd prefer a review on chapter 2 or 3. Thanks Cute
    May 4th, 2011 at 12:31am
  • Natalie!!

    Natalie!! (250)

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    Nice summary, first off. Pretty darn intriguing.

    Chapter One: Just the first paragraph alone has me kinda in awe. It’s deep, but not the “Oh hey guys, I’m gonna go all Dr Phil on your butt, mmkay?”

    Your imagery is profound, and your description is amazing.

    They’d had plans to go to the gym that morning, the two seemed to be in constant competition over who could lift the most or run the longest, and James was determined to be faster than Carlos for once.

    My SUGGESTED correction- They’d had plans to go to the gym that morning. (Replace comma with a period and start a new sentence.) The two seemed to be in constant competition over who could lift the most or run the longest, and James was determined to beat Carlos for once. (Either change “faster” or change the competition. You mention him wanting to run the LONGEST, not the fastest, and wanting to lift MORE, not faster.)

    Thinking back, James missed those days. At the time, he was constantly longing to be older, to be able to drive or get into a club, but now he’d do almost anything to get his youth back.

    Suggestion that’s just a suggestion, not a correction- At the time, he was constantly longing to be older; to be able to drive or get into a club. Now, he’d do almost anything to get his youth back. ← or something of the sort. It just kinda sounds a little off.

    “Carlos, open up! Don’t give me that ‘you caught that stomach virus again’ bullshit, let’s go!”

    Suggestion- “Carlos, open up! Don’t give me that ‘I caught that stomach virus again’ bullshit. Let’s go!”

    After a few moments passed without a response from the other side of the door, James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had had a girl over or something, but just as he began to step away from the doorway, something held his feet to the floor.

    Suggestion- After a few moments passed without a response from the other side of the door, James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had a girl over or something of the sort. (Just “something” sounds a little amateur, which I know you’re not. Having ‘had’ twice in a row sounds a little off. Start a new sentence because it’s a little bit of a run-on.) Just as he began to step away from the door, something held his feet to the floor. (Try ‘door’ instead of ‘doorway’ since you literally just said the word ‘way’. It keeps everything fresh.)

    A sudden burst of adrenaline sent the power of his leg thrusting towards the door, and James struggled to gather himself as he stood in the doorway.

    Try rewording, because again, the word ‘door’ distracts from your writing because your reader looks back and thinks “Hmm… Didn’t I just read that?”

    The body on the bed didn’t budge, and that was what terrified James the most, the fact that he couldn’t see Carlos’s chest lift upwards with each slow and steady breath.

    Try → …terrified James the most; the fact that…

    Carlos was gone, and so was James, bolting from the apartment as quickly as his legs would take him, down the hall to Kendall’s place.

    LOVE THIS.

    Logan’s expression mirrored Kendall’s, except that his coffee-colored eyes darted back and forth between the two guys, his lips desperately fumbling for words as that brain of his tried to mesh everything together, come up with any sort of explanation.

    Kind of a run-on.

    Over all, an AMAZING story, but there’s just a few run-ons and spots where things don’t necessarily flow as well as they could. I apologize, but I can't really do all three chapters at the moment. You’ve got a LOT of potential though. Keep it up!! It's excellent.

    As far as what I liked in the first chapter with plot/character/etc:

    I ADORE your writing style. It's delicate, profound, and incredibly descriptive.
    As pretty much every other commenter said, your details leave nothing to be missed, and how thorough you are creates a sense of realism.
    I like how personal you make this even though it's third person. That's QUITE the feat, and nothing to be scoffed at.
    I like the character development you used, even though there's already an assumed personality to each character since they are real people, after all. Your character choices are believable and shocking in the most pleasant of ways.
    The Toast to My Waffles please Naughty
    May 13th, 2011 at 12:19am
  • colour me perfect.

    colour me perfect. (100)

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    As I mentioned in The Story Review thread, I don't believe that the comment you were given was fair and so I'm starting giving you another one. Considering the review you left on the story before... you definitely deserve more.

    First of all, the layout isn't my favourite. The colours clash a lot and the border is a bit large and overpowering, and the size of the writing makes it look like a children's book. I understand that you may have trouble making a layout, but I'd be happy to make you one that's more readable because I believe that this story has potential.

    I absolutely love the first paragraph in the summary. It's just so simple and powerful that it made me stop and stare a little bit. Because honestly, I stupidly judged the story by the layout but that summary just proved to me how good this story would be. You have a way with words, missy.
    The rest of the summary is very amusing too. It's really good for drawing people in. (:

    You really do have a way with words. The first few paragraphs in chapter one are just written so maturely and cleverly; your wording just flows perfectly. You don't miss anything and it makes it really easy and entertaining to read.

    One thing that I'd suggest is that you don't capitalise any parts of your dialogue, because it just brings down the whole maturity and clarity of your writing. Instead, try putting things in bold because this story is really good so far and I think that it would be more professional that way.

    I think that dialogue is your strong point. It's so entertaining. You must be a really fun person in real life, haha. XD

    I like how you change your wording around a lot. As in, you won'twrite 'I said' all of the time, and instead change it to 'I quipped' or 'I grumbled' to suit the mood. A lot of people just go with the obvious and it shows how much thought you put into things because you manage to change it around.

    I like how he assumes that she's a kid. It's the perfect opening into their relationship. :D

    I love Nicki. She's such a typical and fun eighteen year old, and I love their relationship. It's just so breezy and the dialogue between them is really entertaining. Once again, I'd refrain from capitalising your sentences.

    “Right, right. I’m Natalie. Not that you didn’t know that. Cuz you did. At least I think you did. Maybe. Kinda. Sorta. I think.” Replace Cuz with 'cause and you have yourself an amazing speech. :D

    I really like Adam's internal dialogue about Natalie. It's so cute, and quite realistic considering he's only heard her over the phone. Hahaha, the bit about wanting to hear her laugh once more and once more and once more. I love your writing!

    I love how you end each chapter. Your sentences are so powerful and drag me in to want to read another chapter. But seeing as I'm supposed to be writing, I'll stop here. :3

    I don't think that I found any mistakes at all in this, and your grammar and wording was perfect. You're a wonderful writer for someone so young, and I honestly enjoyed your story a lot. If you'd like me to make you a layout (because I think you deserve one) just message me and I'd be happy to help. Great job! <3
    You've Become the Rain.
    May 14th, 2011 at 11:20am
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    First off, I have to say that I am completely envious of your summary tehe It was everything a summary should be, and I got just enough of a grasp on the story without having the entire plot spoiled for me. I also really really REALLY loved the metaphor of the sun and the rain that you chose to close the summary with, it was really beautiful.

    I will admit that I'm not really sure why you have a link to character pictures on the summary page, since you do have the avatars and a charater page already, so that kinda turned me off.

    I caught one grammatical thing off in the summary, and though I know this isn't a summary review, I thought I'd bring it to your attention regardless.

    There’s no sign telling you which one’s yours; which one’s your own to keep forever. - There should be a comma instead of a semi-colon in this sentence because "which one's yours to keep forever" isn't an independent clause.

    Prologue

    Since you didn't specify which chapter you wanted reviewed, I'm going to review the prologue /because I really should start studying for my finals Facepalm

    First off, I'm glad to see that this is actually a proper prologue instead of the drabble-prologue-things I see in a lot of stories that could easily just be used as the summary /rant.

    I adored how you began the prologue with such a simple statement. I had kind of gotten the impression that she had passed from the summary, but I'm glad you opened with that sentence to affirm my assumptions.

    My mother was beside me and she was happy too. - You need a comma before "and" here.

    All I can remember thinking was no. No. The same word over and over, repeating through my head as if it was keeping me alive. No. No. - As I'm reviewing this as I read, this section really stuck out to me. I love little lines that give me a glimpse into the character's head at that moment in time, and this was definitely one of those lines.

    The scene was ugly in every sense of the world but I couldn’t tear my eyes away - You need a comma before "but" here.

    Overall, I was honestly floored by this chapter. There was just so much raw emotion seeping through the seams that if I started pulling out lines that I liked, I would be pulling out the entire second half of this XD I thought you did an amazing job describing how she felt when she came across this person she cares about lying dead on the floor, and though that section did get a little flurry and confusing for me, I don't really consider that a bad thing because I'm feeling exactly what the main character is feeling, and I'm placed in her sort of stream of consciousness.

    The only thing I really have to offer constructive-criticism-wise is that I don't really feel any sort of connection to this girl yet. I sympathize with her because she's suffered a lost, but other than that, she doesn't really feel real to me. Like I can't really relate enough or feel enough towards her to want to find out how her story plays out, but maybe that's just a personal thing, or maybe if I read the following chapters, I'd feel a little more for her, but so far, I don't. I feel like I would subscribe to find out what happened plot-wise, such as how she died and who she saying lying on the floor, than I would because I was invested in the characters.

    Overall, I feel like this is definitely an intriguing idea, and I like the air of suspense and mystery that you have going on through the parts that I've read. As the comment above me mentions, I also really enjoyed how you described all of the emotions streaming through this character's mind, and I think you reall have a knack for that. The aspect I really liked about the stlye you chose to write this in is that you're not afraid of using choppy sentences or run-ons to convey the emotion and thoughts. I personally use a lot of run-ons in my writing myself because I feel like it does so much more as far as flow goes than breaking up the sentences to "fit the rules" or whatever.

    Anyways, this was lovely, and I wish you luck as you continue to work on it =)
    Please review either chapter (or both tehe) of Temporary Insanity, thanks Cute
    May 14th, 2011 at 01:44pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    May 14th, 2011 at 10:27pm
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    Layout - I guess the guy is cute for a white guy. I don't know, I'm not that attracted to white guys. But I do like how you give the picture a hazy look which goes perfect with the pictures background. His shirt also so happens to match the picture background also. It all matches. But I don't understand the tic-tac-toe game on the picture.

    Summary - I usually don't like love stories, but I know a good one when I read it. The summary you used is a little cliche to me (I'm a tough critic) But I do like the way you made it look with the, indents or whatever you did. It's nice.

    Chapter 1 - Although you're breaking the damn rules (sorry, in a cussing mood, not being aggressive) with the capitalization, it looks cool as hell. Just, Eff the rules on that one. It's just good you didn't do it to the title because Admin are strict as hell on here (I'm on their most hated list Laughing I'm messing).

    "The first time I’d ever laid eyes on Logan Mitchell was in the lobby of the Palm Woods, the third day after I moved into the temporary residence for Hollywood’s future rich and famous."

    This like is a little flat also. The laid eyes part is a bad opening for me. Perhaps you could think of a better line. And I think the "I'd" kills the natural flow on the sentence. No, I think it's the "ever" that's messing it up. Yeah, you should get rid of it. But if you keep the ever, you should get rid of the 'd. Then it's perfect.

    "I guess you could say I was an aspiring actress, even though I didn’t exactly wear that title with pride. Though the weather and the people were beautiful in California, it just wasn’t where I wanted to be. I had been perfectly happy with my slower paced, somewhat normal life in South Carolina, but my mom had this vision of me being on the big screen, so she practically uprooted our family and shipped us out to California in hopes of making me this big star."

    Right here it sounds like you're playing old Ayana. I don't want to feel like I'm reading the protagonist's life story all at once. I think the story flows better when it's put one piece at a time. You know, learning something new. But that all depends on the reader and that could just be me.

    "The other teenagers at the apartment complex seemed friendly and nice enough, but there was just something in their eyes and their plastered-on smiles that made me second-guess how genuine they truly were."

    At night I can be a little critical and imaginary, and I'm not as nice, so I'm going to say that I do like how you captured the ways or many actors and girls that live their life as if it could actually be perfect. Good job.... although I don't think genuine is used right in this sentence. Try looking it up first and see what it means. You might change your mind on using it.

    "I’d been sitting in the lobby, casually flipping through a fashion magazine and lusting over clothes I’d never be able to afford while I secretly scoped out my new neighbors. The girls were all incredibly gorgeous. Actually, they were super-model gorgeous, which made sense since they were more than likely aspiring models. I absentmindedly ran a hand through my own chestnut waves as I watched them. With my unmanageable hair and fair skin, I just couldn’t compete."

    I think the story should have opened out with this (after seeing that guys who's name I've already forgotten [haha, it's Logan] for the first time part, of course) instead, then begin to slowly bring in where she is and lived.

    "My gaze shifted towards the decorative shrubbery near the reception desk, and I happened to spot three faces emerge from the faux plant. "

    Yikes, for a love story, I believe the words chop it up and make it come off as a serious story line. And faux is a French word. I suck with my French, but I know what faux pas means, but you through me for a loop when you just put faux. Most people might not know what the hell you're talking about, so you could have used another word that relates to fake or imitated. And you could work on the flow of this sentence.

    "From what little I knew of him, Kendall seemed to be really easygoing and honest, maybe even attractive if I squinted enough. The way he carried himself was what intrigued me the most, it was as if Hollywood hadn’t made its way under his skin yet. He was still real. But Kendall also had an air of self-righteousness in his stare that bothered me.

    James was absolutely drop dead gorgeous. With a hot body, dazzling smile, and tousled chestnut surfer locks, he was the type of attractive that no girl could deny, but of course, James knew he looked good. And though that type of confidence turned me on, it came along with narcissism. I’d also heard from some of the other girls that he was a bit of a player, so I wasn’t going to go there with him."

    ...Hm, my black girl senses are tingling. Any way, that's besides the point. You at least showed some realistic aspects in this part. Not everyone is attractive, even in Hollywood and I loath people who make it that way.

    "I pretended not to notice as the three reemerged from the bush, glanced back towards me, and began whispering back and forth to one another. It was probably the sketchiest thing I’d ever seen in my seventeen years of life."

    God, congrats to you. You put her age in there without going "hi, I'm blah blah and I'm seventeen years old" (although you kind of did that in the beginning, but you can fix that). Damn, I'm reminding myself of the old Ayana.

    "Kendall was the first to show himself, a sheepish grin adorning his sharp features as locks of golden blonde hair fell into his green eyes."

    Too much description and adjectives. Keep the description you like and take out the stuff that doesn't seem that necessary.

    "“Hey Kandi, how are you doing today? Liking the Palm Woods so far?”"

    The you should have italics ( [] []) not in bold.

    "“I do!” James declared as he arose in a flurry of bronzed skin and shaggy chestnut hair."

    Eh, I think their descriptions are coming too fast. I like to have my readers to guess what the characters look like slowly express how they look later on because really, I want people to image who they want to imagine. But that can be an opinion also.

    Yes, you're coming a little too fast with the descriptions. I think it's starting to cloud the story a little because I'm no long thinking about the plot, but developing what everyone looks like in my head.

    Damn, that was fast. They're already going out. Could you have brought that in a little slower?

    Overall - The plot seems a little too predictable, and you describe things a little too much, but I do like your descriptions. The first chapter was a little slow, but it's okay. As long as the whole thing isn't like that, it can work.

    Only chapter of Stripped Naked
    May 15th, 2011 at 05:28am
  • colour me perfect.

    colour me perfect. (100)

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    Layout.
    For some reason the image isn't coming up in your layout, but if I'm honest I'll say that I'm not really a fan of it anyway. The size of the font makes it look a bit too childish, and the colours you've used remind me more of a foresty, wild storyline rather than the one you've written.

    Summary.
    Your summary is absolutely stunning though. It completely encaptured me in so few sentences and it I managed to relate to every single line. It was written in a poetic, almost quote-like way and while it gave me only a little idea of what the story would be about, it was enough to draw me in. People struggle with summaries a lot, but you've done yours perfectly.

    Chapter One.
    I've never really read a lot of stories that are in present tense, and honestly, it's probably my least favourite way to write/read. But yours flows really nicely and is incredibly descriptive, which sort of diminishes that dislike a little. I know that it's a hard way to write so I applaud you for being able to do it so well. XD

    I think that the writing's a bit too formal for what the story's actually about. I understand if that's your style of writing, and while it's written beautifully I believe that a little informality would work a bit better. I like the way your second paragraph completely turns the story around, and the way it gives me insight into the character instead of allowing me to assume based on the context of the story.

    She has beauty that many girls envy with her smooth mahogany skin, bright brown eyes, and thick luscious locks. You need a comma in between thick and luscious. Adjectives always need to be seperated by commas.

    Sometimes your wording blows me away. Short, sharp words that just create an image in my mind seem to occur regularly, and it's just a sweet way to be writing a short story.
    But her pleasuring leads to guilt. A short sentence, but a powerful one that sums up every adolescent. You seem to delve into my mind with those words, which is something that's very clever for an author to do.

    She feels she has forsaken god and asks for his forgiveness. The word God needs to be capitilised when used in this form. It's a noun. (:

    Her friend Monica simply wanted her to step out of her “up-tight” world and live a little. 'Uptight' is one word. It doesn't need to be hyphenated.

    I've mentioned it briefly before, but I find it really refreshing how you continuously use short sentences instead of dragging them out. It makes your paragraphs flow really nicely and it just adds to the elegent simplicity of the story.

    Your dialogue is pretty neat. It flows well. (:

    How ever could she do such a thing? Once again, I personally think that this is far to formal for a story about teenagers partying. And even though it's got a deeper meaning than that, it still ruins the story for me a bit. Seeing as people don't really talk/think that way anymore and this story is set in modern times, it just doesn't work for me.

    She had a 2gymnophoria that gives her a sexual high. I'm guessing that the 2 was a typo?

    I really like how you stay true to your character. You keep her real in that she's feeling the way many people her age do, but she keeps with her morals and with the similar train of thought throughout the whole story. It's something that authors can struggle to do, so well done for that.

    The dialogue towards the end dragged on a bit, and I lost interest a little. I'm not a fan of the ending, but I suppose that it fits pretty well. Overall this was a well-written story, and with a few tweaks I'm sure that it could be amazing. You're a very fluid writer and while the idea wasn't the most interesting or unique, it was certainly pulled off very well.
    The Forgotten. There are only two short chapters, so if you could do both I'd really appreciate it. XD
    May 15th, 2011 at 12:45pm
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    First off, I'm excited that you chose Jensen Ackles to portray one of your characters because I just adore him XD

    As always, the layout is beautiful. I love how you use the bigger gradient lines because I feel like that really works to help organize the summary and make it look interesting. Once again, I'm envious of your summary, and I love how you wrote it in the form of a little poem. It's just something you don't see every day, and it gave a nice touch to the story.

    Prologue

    I love how you painted this beautiful father-daughter moment in this chapter. I have to admit that nonincestuous family relationships are one of my favorite things to read, and I was internally "aw""ing the entire time I read this. And while it was truly adorable, you also gave depth to it by adding the absence of the mother and how it seems like all the father and the daughter have at this time is each other, which worked to amplify the emotion that was already present.

    When I was four years old, my Dad told me that I was a Princess. - I adored this as an opening line because of its simplicity. You don't shove this story right in the reader's face off the bat, and I appreciate that. I like being slowly pulled into the story, and I think this line was a perfect example of that method. I have to say that "Dad" and "Princess" shouldn't be capitalized, and I noticed that you capitalized "Prince" and "Princess" thoughout the chapter when that isn't really correct. If you were to say "When I was four years old, Dad told me..." then you would capitalize Dad because you're using that as his name and his title, making it a proper noun. But the way you have the line now (which isn't as awkward as my example line, so I'd keep it), dad wouldn't be capitalized because you're saying "my dad," which is the same as saying "my father," so dad isn't used as a proper noun. Same deal with Princess and Prince. If you were using it as a title and part of a name, such as Prince Harry for example, then it would be capitalized because that's a proper noun. If you're just referring to being a prince or a princess in a way that it isn't a name or a title, it doesn't need to be capitalized. I really hope I explained that well because I'm pretty horrible at explaining things.

    The lights were dimmed and he was holding me against his chest, his long, calloused fingers tangled in my golden hair and his mouth pressed against my ear. - I really enjoyed the imagery in this line, and I found the contrast between the classical beauty of her golden blonde hair and the more imperfect beauty of his calloused fingers just breathtaking. But this is one of those cases where you need the comma before "and."

    The last few paragraphs in which her father tells her that she's a princess and gives her the teddy bear were the ones that stuck out the most to me. Though it's just a simple moment and a simple gesture, from the way it was described, the reader can tell that it was a crucial moment for Ella in the way that she describes it with such feeling, as well as the vividness in this memory for her.

    I also really appreciated how you chose to close the chapter. I got the feeling that though this is a beautiful, heartfelt moment, that this simplicity isn't going to last for long, and that after her father disappears, things for Ella are going to go downhill.

    Chapter One

    I really adored getting the father's perspective in the first half of this chapter, but I have to admit that I felt like the first few paragraphs were a little redundant because they overlapped the scene in the prologue. I would suggest maybe beginning with the section where the bear is introduced again and Ella's placing the bear to her father's heart? I don't know if that would necessarily work well, so I'm not saying you have to take that to heart, but I would definitely play around with it a little bit, since the most important part of that flashback seems to be him giving her the dress.

    I thought the contrast between how her relationship with her father was and what it had become was brilliantly achieved through your descriptions and how you portrayed him as a beastly monster instead of the noble prince that he had been at the beginning of the story. I will admit that I was unsure if it was her father, so I had to read over it again. It may just be my ditziness, but I might suggest making that just a tad bit clearer, so that you can still keep that subtlety, such as the reference to his arms that give it away, but not sacrifice the clarity, if that makes sense.

    I have to confess that I was disappointed that her father had evolved into such a horrible person and was treating her this way, and though I commend you for evoking that feeling in me, a part of me didn't want the father to be tainted, if that makes sense. I think I would've enjoyed it more if he had really disappeared and this was some bad uncle raping her with his friends or whatever. A little cliché on my thinking, and I'm definitely not saying to change it, but I feel like fathers are portrayed in a bad light in so many stories, so I'd kinda like to see the father that was noble and was the star of his daughter's life. I can definitely see why you chose to take this sort of turn in the story, but that's just how I feel.

    Anyways, enough of my rambling, onto the actual writing.

    There's just so much that I loved about the...third to the last? chapter. Like in the wording and the sentence structure you used, I can feel the desperation in Ella and how much she longs to escape and go back to the simpler way things were before.

    I screamed and clawed against his hold, crying at scratching at his body. - Just a typo that Word didn't catch.

    I have to admit that I am a total sucker for symbolism, and I love the symbolism of the bear in this, and how her role in Ella's life has shifted, and Ella feels a sense of betrayal from the bear because her father has changed.

    Overall, I really thoroughly enjoyed reading these two chapters, and I'm interested to see how Mark fits into the picture. I think you definitely shine with your descriptions, imagery, and sentence structure, and once again, I love all of the raw emotion you've placed into this.

    I wish you luck as you continue with this =)
    Please review Degausser. I'd love it if the second and third chapters could be reviewed (they're really short), but if time is an issue, just the second chapter is fine.
    May 15th, 2011 at 01:31pm
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    I'm curious how the title will play into the story; looking it up, a degausser is used for minimizing electric fields, so perhaps minimizing the amount of people in the story? I dunno, it leaves a good bit of interest for me to want to know more about with it.

    The summary, with the size of the first and final lines, sort of seems off to me. I think that pushing the final line over to the right would make it look better. The layout itself is nice, though I'm not a huge fan of the font in the banner, it all sort of works. The link color and story area color are to die for, though :D The summary itself, though, is wonderfully confusing. It intrigues you, but doens't give away very much. The last line is the most confusing, though; I've no clue what you're getting at.

    I read the first chapter to get an idea of what I was getting into, and I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of WHOKILLEDHIM;_; stories. I like the inclusion of the quote/lyric at the top, though. I like how it's a two years back thing, how terrified James seems to be about his friend not really responding and then how BAM Carlos realizes what happens. Was he murdered, poisoned, drugged? Sort of mystery, there, but I'm sure that'll be explained through the story. I love the mention of the plan, heh. I'm the same way; always have to be a plan.

    I'm going to look up the Degausser song's lyrics when I finish the review, mostly 'cause I'm jamming to 3OH!3 right now and I can't bring myself to pause it XD Anyways, I'm not familiar in the slightest with Supernatural or Big Time Rush, so keep in mind that I'm reading this as OF with characters who happen to be famous?

    The quote leading in to chapter two makes me wonder if this chapter'll deal with significant others. And I was totally right, yes~

    The pain that Logan feels towards Carlos is wonderfully conveyed; I can almost feel his pain and relate and it's nice. I love even more how he picks up on the blue lint on her shirt, ohmygod. I can't even tell you how many times I've flubbed up on an inspection and then started staring at my inspector's uniform and getting more points off for breaking bearing to point out 'uh, your honor stars are off, the tips touch the seam, not a quarter inch under.' But I do it a lot, okay?

    Kandi had kept her distance since she heard the news, partially because she didn’t want to feel like she was intruding on their grief but mostly because that was the way she dealt with things: on her own.

    I had to read this sentence a few times for it to make sense. I think the reason why is because of the colon and then the length of the sentence itself; it was confusing and took a minute to make sense. I'm curious what has made her so hard and emotionless. Plus, the two of them being polar opposites in that aspect is nice since it shows that opposites in some traits really do react.

    Ugh, I love how Kandi thinks. She doesn't deserve it, but she sticks through anyways and holds him up and it's wonderful to see the support there. I'm curious what killed Carlos, though. The saline comment a few lines up sounds really out of place, by the way. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't work.

    Hours passed without words or sleep, just two sets of brown eyes staring as two pairs of lungs expanded and collapsed in time with their lost thoughts. PERFECT ENDING TO A CHAPTER.

    So, a funeral chapter? Expected, but still saddening. I'm confused how six hands clasped but only four heads bowed. I'm confused, but whatever. I love how the boys have such a wonderful, brotherly bond. It makes sense, sort of, I dunno.

    Oh, minister, I get it now.

    I like the final moments of sadness, remembering everything. I don't really have much to comment on for this chapter, I dunno. It's not a chapter I can find a lot to comment in because I'm content with it; it works and makes sense and it's nice. The final line is a touch cliche, but that's okay~

    And hot damn, I'm excited to see how the title plays in now Weird The song is freaking amazing lyrically, I love it.
    reintroductions please

    Both chapters, together they're barely over 1300 words.
    May 24th, 2011 at 04:01am
  • volta.

    volta. (1000)

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    Title
    I read the title in the Comment on the Story Title thread, and I commented it there, but it's worth saying again - especially because it might tie into everything. :) I think it's definitely an intriguing title. Although it's one word, it does make you wonder why there is a need for reintroductions. It makes you wonder what happened to lead up to it, what kind of conflict occurred and you're hoping that these things will get answered in the story. :) It definitely leads room for imagination. :)

    Layout
    I also first saw your layout in the Comment the Layout thread, and I believed I clicked on a chapter to see how that image would work. To be honest, I'm not really a fan of the repetition of the image, because it doesn't flow. It's not a huge issue, because it's not a very busy picture at all - I think it's something that just comes down to personal opinion really. :) However, I like that the rest of the layout compliments the colours in the image used, that makes the rest of the layout flow. :) So, it's not really that much of a biggie at all. :) ALSO; a great thing about the image...is the shoes. Not even kidding. The shoes just resemble a possible era of when William and/or Gabriel were existing as humans...and how they might be the only things that could be considered as consistent in their time on earth. :) Or not. But hey, it could be seen that way ;)

    Summary
    I think the summary is pretty well written, there are a few things that could be changed to make it flow easier without awkward breaks while the reader is trying to figure something out:
    even down to that they had to change cities often - even down to the fact that they... - adding in a 'the' would make it feel complete. As it is, it feels like there's a word missing.

    At the moment with William hears - I think it would be better to change it to heard, just because the rest of the summary does appear to be written in the past tense, and this disrupts the flow by chucking in something in the present tense.

    his to be followers - to-be followers. With this one, when I read it, I found that I wasn't catching on to what you were trying to say - and I think if you linked the two words together, it would be understood without having to go back and read the sentence wondering if a comma or a full stop was meant to go somewhere. :)

    Other than that, I like how the summary sets up a relationship (presumably) between our two main characters - or one (but definitely a somewhat important relationship). I also like how you've hinted at this vampire world that he could get into - owning houses and having followers - yet you leave enough unsaid that we don't know if it's going to happen for him or not. :) There'd definitely a plot brewing. And I like the last line of the summary: Plus, he heard Chicago is great at this time of the year, it's great because it sounds rather careless...as if it's just another place to move to and do more vampiry things...but on another level, it's completely brilliant because a) the weather obviously means it's going to hide his aversion to the sunlight and b) it's totally appropriate. :)

    Chapter One
    First off - I wanted to question the names when I was going on about the summary. Safe to say, I had no idea who they were - I just thought they might be original characters, because the names seemed so appropriate for vampires and that world. I did sit there and think of Gabe Saporta, only because he's the only person I can associate with the name. But then...William Becket. I was like it has to be Gabe Saporta. Anyways;

    I like that through the term Dandies; you're able to hint to the reader what kind of era William belonged to, and it's validated by the decade of the 1780's. It shows that you know what you're talking about and that while you're not using the two men in their actual universe, you're quite capable of thrusting them into another world and making it feel like home to them - and that's by adopting terms and ideas relevant to that period. :)

    He’d observed the men all attempting to look like the upper class gentlemen despite their true middle class, and he’d strived to be the same. - I think after middle class it may be appropriate to add belongings after it as it would make the sentence read better and not end suddenly before the comma. It just feels like there's a word missing there is all. Also, when I re-read this sentence, it reminded me of Pip in Great Expectations - who had that strive to better his situation. And if that's anything to go by, it does hint that something might go considerably wrong - and it does happen. :)

    Mister Beckett, as he became to be known, - came to be known, you don't need to use became :)

    It's neat that through his strive to be this dashing gentleman he loses who he was and is turned in a 'monster' - as it's something the girlfriend of Gabe detests. It also begins to signify a fear and a power the vampire's have, as you hint that by turning William into a vampire, he'll be something the girl/woman detests. Yet, she's still around Gabe...and that just shows his power and charisma I guess. :) But it's really nice that the control factor is there, and that at the moment it's nothing entirely brutal, or nothing entirely fairylike. :)

    Years had to pass before William was prepared to be reintroduced to society, yet he had to abide to an all new set of rules. - I like this sentence here because it just reinforces what's going to happen for as long as William is alive as a vampire. He has to adjust every set amount of years...to new societies, new laws, etc. You make sure the reader knows that it's not an easy thing to be a vampire, and that they've got their own rules, regulations and laws to abide by. :)

    I think it's a very nice first chapter. :) You give the reader the basic introductions of the characters, his history, what his ambitions used to be and what he has now become through consequences of his strive of ambition. :) You also describe how other characters were involved, and how they've become a significant part of his life. : You've set the story up well, and there's nothing really to question about it at all yet. :)

    Chapter Two
    I like the connectivity between the two chapters. You end the first chapter with a decent paragraph about how long it would take to learn things as a vampire, and how much time and effort goes into hiding then coming out of hiding and into society. Then the perfect bridge is made...because William is still learning, and it's apparent through the first piece of dialogue that you use:
    William, I told you she was a poor little thing for chasing.”

    “I know, Master, but I could not help myself. You saw her beauty too.”

    “Yet I have learned who is appropriate and who is not! You ask for so much freedom but you are still far too young to deserve it,” Gabriel spoke
    - I think that was rather well done. :) He's still young, he's still learning and you give yourself enough rope of a plot to let him make mistakes that will either end his story horrible, or will let him have a few set-backs to become this ultimate vampire lord. :)

    I really just want to say that I'm fond of how you've written their speech, and contrasted it with the style of clothing that they opt for. It's rather well done, it's amusing, it's real in the sense that you've retained basic elements of the actual William and Gabriel, and it's also real in a vampire sense that they're retained their speech and are so much more fond of their world rather than modern culture, etc. I just wanted to say that you've written it all so well that it's really amusing to read. :)

    I also think that this chapter really, again, compliments the future setting you've chosen. I mean, at first you hinted at the basics like weather, and that was decent and left no room for question. But then in this chapter you hint at:
    have heard Chicago has plenty of crime, and no one would miss a few petty criminals. and that just screams possible disaster on William's part. I really do like how all of these things you've got going allude to William's young vampire self, and how he hasn't yet built up that self-control that Gabe has. And that's also reminiscent in what Gabe then says about having his own things to do, and that if William wants to do his own thing - it's cool, but he's not going to bail him out. It's almost like Chicago is a testing ground - and it's either going to make or break William. :)

    Chicago is a wonderful home in the area I am moving to with plenty of jobs in my forte, - this sentence reads a tad bit awkwardly, and I'm not sure if it's because you're missing a word or there's an error in the structure of the sentence. I almost feel that what you're trying to get across is: There is a wonderful area in Chicago that will be home, and it has plenty of jobs in my forte... That may not mean what you're trying to get across, but that's the only way I can think of to read it.

    There's also a seriousness in what Gabe's telling William, though it all seems friendly and such. It's like when he's telling him that he wants to stay in Chicago for thirty years - it's a warning: don't screw up, or you're history kinda thing. I think that's good, because at least it's letting William know that there are some boundaries, and again...it just leads to the reader thinking that something terrible may be on it's way. :)

    Also what I thought seemed rather appropriate was the fact that he's wanting to head back into high school...and then sexuality is brought up. :) It's another perfect arena for the sexuality issue to show it's head, so you've got these places where everything would be appropriate to happen. :) And again, I knew the shoes would pop up. :)

    So, so far I think you're onto something good here. :) I think you've got some decent characters, you're development of them is working rather well - you've left room for William to grow so his plot can develop, and you've got Gabe sorted in a nutshell that you would know what he would do in the instance of William screwing something up, and it's all very apparent in those first two chapters. :) You're dialogue is working really well too, and I think you will have no problem pulling it off as they transition into new types of phrases and such. :) A tip, I guess, would be to make it a somewhat gradual process for when it happens, just so it still retains that aspect of reality which you have going on so well. :) I think that's all I can say right now, it's a good story off to a great start with definite potential to get very interesting and intriguing very fast. :)
    The Treasure Troves of Soul Traders :)
    (the two chapters = 792 words, just so you know there's not a mass amount of words to read if you feel like reading what's currently there) :)
    May 24th, 2011 at 05:12am
  • Sucks For You

    Sucks For You (100)

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    May 25th, 2011 at 08:01am
  • Sucks For You

    Sucks For You (100)

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    Layout and Summary.
    I really really like the layout. I love how it's not extremely bright, which makes it much easier to concentrate on the story. I don't know if you made the banner yourself or not, but if you did, you did an amazing job. I like the fact that the pictures in the banner tie into what the story is about. I absolutely adore the summary. It's thrilling and mind gripping. After reading the first two sentences I was immediately hooked, and I wanted to read more. I like the fact that the summary was actually a part of the chapter, because when I got to that part in the story and realized that was where the summmary came from, it seemed to give off a feeling of mystery to me.

    Chapter One
    I love the fact that you started the story off with only the characters name as the first sentence. I liked how you immediately start the story off giving great detail about the plot while at the same time giving insight to your characters mind. I also liked the fact that you put so much emphasis on the box, because it shows the reader that the box is important to the story. I think this chapter flows together beautifully. Your wording in your sentences is supurb, and I think my favorite part about this first chapter is the fact that it seems simple, yet extremely complex.

    Chapter Two
    While I really liked chapter one of this story, I like chapter two even better. I liked the fact that the characters who were speaking to each other were nameless, but you still found a way to describe them (with putting in details about their hair colors and such) so that even though they have no names as of yet, they are still defined as people. Once again, I loved how you put some much emphasis on the paper, but it seemed to me like you used the word 'piece' or 'pieces' too much. I think if you changed the word piece/pieces to something else to describe the paper it would make things flow better, (like shreds, or scraps of paper.)

    Grammar/Wording
    You have amazing grammar, and your typos/spelling errors are virtually non exsistant, I didn't catch any at least. "This is a promise from me to you that I'll look after your soul, and you'll look after mine. And we'll be together forever." They had both said that before they wrote their names, and they had both said it with that air of clarity, stability and depth. This is by far my favorite part of the two chapters. I feel like this one sentence pulls the two chapters together, and all around it seems to me that it's of great importance to the rest of the story.

    All around I think this is absolutely amazing. You've set up the basics of a story that has the potential to have an amazing plot line as long as you keep going with it the way you are.

    Just a Children's Story Any Chapters. Original Slash.
    May 25th, 2011 at 08:46am
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    Summary and Layout

    The summary was nice. I liked that it introduced the story's idea at least, but it feels a little bit too questioning. I mean, a summary's meant to introduce the characters, conflict, and give an overall sense for the story. I think it could be polished a bit and it would raise the overall first impression if it had a little bit more depth in it.

    As for the layout, I didn't like it much. The black and the blue are sort of distracting. Especially for this story, it seems to be need to be something more peaceful or easier to look at since just reading the first chapter, I just wanted to focus on the story itself.

    First Chapter

    Wow! Super long first chapter, but I loved it!

    It had a very quiet tone to it that just pulled you in. I mean, a prince from a fairy tale waking up in your room? What could be more innocent and honest?! NOTHING!

    As for my review, your writing is just impeccable I was able to read through it very well and the first chapter was just so slumbersome. Reminded me of waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if someone was there. The prince seems rather charming from the get go and I can tell him and the main character are sort of destined on the same course. The whole forest and adventure ahead thing intrigues me. I like how you introduced the danger and stakes ahead early on.

    Second Chapter

    It was lovely. No errors. I liked how you explained more and there's just that strong sense of togetherness in it. I think the reason I think they belong together is because Faith has dreamed of it so long. I mean, doesn't everyone wish for a little kid to have their dreams? And what if you held onto that dream for years and years?

    It's completely gratifying that he's gotten what he wanted. I can't wait for the forest scenes and things ahead to kick off and I wonder if Faith has a dark side?

    And already I noticed that with the main character, right away, all the intensive back story and things don't seem to be needed because it's sort of like he's living a dream. It's always admirable for a dream to be attained, so already, that's a high mark for the character as well as the fact that he'll fight for his dream..

    Third Chapter

    Chapter three was nice. It definitely moves the plot forward, but a lot of the internal dialogue seemed a bit long winded and was sort of grueling to read through.

    And this was the first chapter that I saw a bad side of Faith. I mean, he has no connection to the mortal world other than his parents, but him and his mom at the beginning of the chapter? He wasn't the nicest to her! But, that's just my own personal bias since I happen to like characters who are friendly towards good parents. I just wish he had had at least one conversation with his mom or maybe even written her a letter before he left. It seems kid of sad really, him leaving and her coming home to find her son gone.

    Overall

    The story is very intriguing. I like the idea and you execute it very well. My only tips could be to try to condense and at the same time strengthen the internal dialogue so, that it's a little bit more lasting instead of so long that you want to move on to the next part. Great work

    How To Save A Life
    May 28th, 2011 at 05:59pm
  • Colorless Redemption

    Colorless Redemption (100)

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    Quote
    Summary/layout: I did enjoy the summary. It leaves me with a rough idea of what the story is about without giving too much about the plot away. I get the feeling it's going to be a story that ends with me in tears, which is both a good thing (for it means you've got a winner) and a bad thing (but only for me).

    I noticed a few, trifle mistakes. I believe you meant "untimely romance" in lieu of "intinely". And you've broken parallelism in first paragraph. You said "just like... just like... just like.." and then you simply used "and just". It probably doesn't matter, but you might consider changing it. Just a thought.

    Additionally, I enjoy the layout. It's simple and pretty, yet not distracting from the story. And the picture seems fitting.

    Prologue: I like how it opens with a quote, which is both relevant to the story and easy to understand when it comes to the deeper meaning. Though I do suggest that you put it in quotes or something else that makes it evident it is separate from the story itself.

    I'd recommend changing this sentence to : "I always knew how this would end. In death, pain, and agony; but in the beginning I would never have guessed it all to be on my part."

    I loved the bit where she recalled his happiness and how he'd been able to have it despite all the bad things in his life, it reveals his character very well.
    I loved this quote. I'm not sure why, I just enjoyed the way you worded it.

    Somehow it contains some imagery. "He'd felt searing and physical pain that stretched all through his limbs."

    I also loved the line, "It reeked of hollow greediness and loss. Every time the paper touched my hands, it left a hole in my heart the size of a pin each time." It's so perfectly descriptive and I myself feel the hurt.

    The preface leaves a faint string of hurt right off the bat and I can tell it's going to be a wonderful story. I'm so curious as to figure out what exactly happens and want to read on. I'm definitely going to subscribe and read the rest when I have the time.
    Please review The Escape Artist
    May 29th, 2011 at 03:56pm