Story Review Thread

  • adela.

    adela. (100)

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    Layout

    The layout is really well done, and I love the picture. The only thing that I’m kind of iffy about is the title being in blue since it doesn’t really match the rest of the layout. You also don’t need the period after the story title. Other than that, I like it a lot.

    Summary

    It sets up the plot well, but I’m slightly confused. Where exactly has she been, and why do they decide that she can come back from wherever she was? At first it seems like she ran away, but then it got me thinking that maybe she was in a mental institution or something. It’s just somewhat unclear, but maybe that’s just me being my normal confused self. Aside from that, the summary is really well-written and makes me want to read more.

    Chapter One

    I really love your word choice, for starters. The way you describe the scene paints a really good picture as to where she is. You really have a way with words :] “I shut the door behind me with an abruptly, soft footsteps echoing as I roamed through my empty house.” For this sentence, you wouldn’t say ‘with an abruptly’, you would just say ‘I shut the door behind me abruptly’. Also, it might make it easier for people to read the chapters if you put an extra line of space in between paragraphs.

    I love the way that you describe the rooms and the little descriptions, like the one of the note on the refrigerator. It’s simple and I just really like it for some reason. Maybe I’m just weird like that :p I really want to know what happened to her sister, too! Ohh, so they sent Juliet away! I get it now. Oh, and I really like her name, by the way. Her mom seems very sluttish. I don’t like her very much, but now I want to keep on reading!

    Overall, I really love your wording and description of everything. The way you explained how everything in the rooms looked and how her mother looked really made it possible to visualize everything. Your style of writing is really enjoyable and I honestly can't wait to read more! You're really talented :]
    Chalk Drawings in the Rain
    Chapters 1 and 2, por favor :]
    (ignore the general layout, I'm not good at making them)
    May 30th, 2011 at 04:11am
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    I feel that, in the beginning, you've used to many simple sentences that it reads too choppy; even when you want something to read as choppy and exciting and quick, you have to have a certain rhythm to it or pattern or it just reads as messy. Also, you could've separated a few of the lines so that it didn't seem as much like a block of text. Reading the story aloud could really help with phrasing and such.

    In the first chapter, though, I have a few things things to say:

    Memorial Bridge should be capitalized, since it seems to be the name of the bridge.

    And when he left an envelope sitting on the leather passenger’s seat, alarm bells should have shouted to grab his hand, to call out to him -- adding in a 'to' there would help it make more sense.

    In the last three lines, rephrasing it to be something like the following would sort of make it make more sense. But none of those blatant signs captured her attention like his shout of freedom and release did followed by the ominous splash. Her best friend was gone.

    The ending of the paragraph is sort of like, oh by the way he's dead. Something like, "And that's how her best friend died" or such... it's just such a cliche as of where I'm reading it now that I can't think of how to make it better. The line itself has been used so many times, I dunno.

    YES YES YES CHILDREN AND SHE'S WRITTEN REALISTICALLY I HEART YOU FOREVER AND EVER. You have a fantastic tone going through here, just the way a young girl would react and I love it. Chalk is awesome, and you can sort of tell that it's going to be a thing that'll run through the story if used correctly.

    Aww, the excitement is reminding me of how I act myself. When I get the right notebook and pen, I've got myself entertained for hours doodling and writing and just being happy overall. I love the chance meeting, how it really is legit how a meeting could just casually happen when a young kid sees someone drawing and gets interested. Mia doesn't seem scary at all from what I've seen.

    The relationship the kids share already is sort of developed. They bonded over something like kids do every time they first meet; either they become fast friends or they sort of avoid each other. Little kids are the best judges of character, honestly :)

    I feel like the vocabulary used is actually really great. You can tell it's sort of a third person following two kids around (... CREEPY?) and they're throwing in their own natural way of speaking and it works wonderfully. Once again, you used a lot of choppy sentences that made stuff read a little weird when I read it aloud ('cause that's how I read on my own, yo.)

    They were both silent for a moment, staring at each other. Reed hardly noticed the chalk dust that she had left in his hair. Then an unfamiliar voice rang out through their silence. It was Reed’s babysitter. She was asking him to come back and to “leave the little girl alone”. Mia didn’t want him to leave her alone. She liked her new friend. Well, not friend exactly. Not yet.

    It's just... a lot of short, simple sentences. Little kids don't talk like that, nor generally do most third person omniscent beings, tehe

    Overall, I feel the story probably has potential. I'm wondering just as to why Reed commits suicide later on, what takes them from being innocent to growing up and getting involved in nastyness and ~destroying their purity~. I just love little kids, okay, and you write them pretty well. It's a surprisingly hard thing for some people to do; takes a science, fosho. Great work, dollface.
    reintroductions

    If you could, read the whole story (it's under four thousand in total still, haha) and review the third and fourth? :D
    June 1st, 2011 at 12:59am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Ignore.
    June 1st, 2011 at 02:42am
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    xo- mellon stargirl.:
    reintroductions

    If you could, read the whole story (it's under four thousand in total still, haha) and review the third and fourth? :D
    Title
    Not my favorite. It makes the story look like it would be kind of boring. But I guess it all depends on what it's about.

    Layout
    However the layout is nice. The colors don't hurt my eyes and my eyes are extremely sensitive to pixels. And I like how the picture in the background looks old fashion. Plus the colors go well with the picture also.

    Summary
    Well... from the summary I can't really see where this is going. I think you might have put a little too much into it making it a little bit of a turn off from the story. Or it would have been nice if you left some sort of mystery at the end of the summary. That would have made all of the difference.

    Chapter Uno
    Aw I like it (my exact words that came out my mouth). I like the way you introduced the character, how he became what he is and everything about it. You put in a key aspect of the story that most people tend to miss or do it in an unpleasant way. You didn't go on a whole page talking about his looks, all those nit picky details about a person but you went over it briefly letting the reader get a visual of what the character may look like without telling too much. And you explained the title well. If you do explain him a little later on, that's fine because it doesn't upset the reader or completely cloud their perception of the character if it's gradual. How genius of you.

    I also like how you don't have Twilight fairy vampires in here but instead the traditional vampire that makes more sense.

    And this part, "With a plaything is where our story begins." is beautiful. You gave me the mystery I wanted. Perhaps you could incorporate some of what you wrote here in the summary or introduce it in some way.

    Chapter Dos

    I like how you make them sound like old farts (which is what they are) we all know that no one talks like that now-a-days but that's what makes this good because they're supposed to be dead. And the werewolf part is funny. You capture real life human interactions really well.

    “If you’d like to look as if you like boys, go right ahead.”
    This part made me laugh. But on the inside, I hope you don't make this into a slash or something because that wouldn't seem right for someone who comes from the era they're from.

    Chapter Tres
    [“ ‘Kay, Gabe,” ]Just to point out, that looks like a typo.

    [“Yes, we do. Should be a decent enough package; couldn’t get the porn channel, though.” Gabe frowned as he said that, as did William. Though vampires, they still were men…]
    Haha, that's too funny.

    It's funny how you call the girls play things. I also like how you're going through this story slowly and not rushing through it really fast making it unpleasant to read. I hate rushed stories that weren't meant to be rushed.

    Chapter Cuatro
    Hm... you're writing is like deja-vu. You kind of write like this girl named dru on here, or maybe she writes like you. Either way you all's styles are painfully similar.

    [Wiping his hand on the back of his mouth,] That looks like a typo. I think it should be wiping the back of his hand on his mouth.

    I don't know if you're turning this into a slash or not but who cares. It's hard to judge since he's a vampire and all and doesn't really seem to care about what any mortals tell him, haha. But it's good.

    In a whole your story is really good. You capture a lot of the surroundings well and you're not rushing the story at all (one of my pet peeves).

    Chapters Nine and Ten of Dream Life please. Also, comment on the summary and layout if you could, I'd appreciate it.
    June 1st, 2011 at 04:07pm
  • Natalie!!

    Natalie!! (250)

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    The layout's decent, but it's a little plain. I guess that's actually beneficial because it keeps ALL focus on your story. Smart move, if that wasn't an accident Very Happy I think the title could use a little work, though, because it isn't exactly something that jumps out at you.

    I'm not sure why, but the video ON the summary kind of makes it look... trashy. I wish there was more about what the story actually is, besides the lyrics, but it's alright overall.

    In chapter nine, there's a few grammatical errors (such as capitalizing 'someone' in the first sentence, and 'where he stay', which isn't correct.)

    The words are somewhat repetitive, which kind of makes me lose my place because I stop paying a little bit of attention. The story line itself, however, is pretty amazing.

    "Because, Ms. Graham told me that angels are people who do good things to you and help you. You nice to me, so you a angel.” I smiled at this part. That may be the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Smile

    I REALLY like Terry. He seems sweet, adorable, and a really well rounded and developed character. You seem to have a knack for those!! I like your name choices as well, because they aren't cheesy or stereotypical.

    “What kind of name is that?” Sometimes my thoughts slip through my lips. “Did your parents make that up?” She rolls her eyes.

    I laughed out loud, actually. I thought the 'Alicia' thing was pretty clever, too.

    The story line is pretty awesome, quite frankly. Clap It's kinda got a dark undertone, but has a mellow coating to it. That's pretty unique.

    I like how descriptive you are, and how natural and realistic your writing style is. The story's actually believable, which is rare. I can imagine myself there, even though I've never been in those situations.

    Chapter 10's up next. "form" should be "from", but it starts out well. "Someone knocks on her front door with eager." is grammatically incorrect. 'Someone knocks on her front door eagerly," perhaps? "seriousier" should be more serious a little farther down the page.

    Again, the language is a bit repetitive. It's not that big a deal, but variety would be a little easier on the reader.

    I REALLY like how you describe the people they pass. It's realistic and gives really good imagery. I like how you describe the reactions of the people as well, instead of just making them pieces of background. That's a really nice touch!!

    "Nigga, do you even know what school is?" That was actually really funny, and I laughed.

    The story line is REALLY well thought out. I especially like how right before the shooting, you can go from funny, to sarcastic, to serious, to intense in seconds. You're amazing at moods and imagery.

    Your characters seem extremely realistic and well developed, even though I've only had two chapters to get to know them. I ADORE your skill at description and portrayal of believable people.

    Overall, I really enjoyed reading those chapters, and I think I might read the rest of them too. That's REALLY good quality work, and you should be proud of it. Clap

    Chapter 4, Chapter 5, and if you have time, Chapter 6 of The Toast to My Waffles please!! Thanks!!
    June 7th, 2011 at 07:34pm
  • Out There

    Out There (100)

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    I like the layout. Really suits the tone of the story I think. Light-hearted. Youthful.
    Personally I like summaries to be short and snappy, which yours isn’t. I feel it reveals too much and if I had actually had to read the first few chapters it would have made it dull. Keep a lot of it to yourself, only give out a taster J
    The title didn’t make much sense to me, but I can tell from the extract you used in the summary that it has relevance.

    Chapter 4
    I really enjoyed how you had the main characters reflecting each other: female character with friend, male character with friend, both discussing the same thing. I thought it gave the story focus, and reminded of rom-com films (I assume this is the kind of thing you’re going for anyway, so that’s a good thing!)

    It was over-all enjoyable, not my kind of thing but very light-hearted, and elements of humour. Too many people try to force emotion into characters and you didn’t do that.

    I think Hutch is wonderful, very boyish and silly. It’s good for a supporting character to bring a lot to story, even if they’re just in the background they can really give it colour.

    Chapter 5
    ‘Living in Harbor City, California, the near 50% Latino population tends to help you pick up a few words every now and then. Originally Rancho San Pedro, the Hispanic influence never quite faded in the city.’
    I thought this part wasn’t necessary. It didn’t fit with the tone of the story and I felt more like I was reading an encyclopedia. It’s brilliant that you’ve done your research but I’d much rather you work into the story more naturally, which you actually did later in the chapter! Personally, I would just remove it.

    As time went on (two hours of time, might I add), Natalie began drifting to sleep.
    I would have liked to know more about the conversation up to this point, not all of it but I felt like you missed out a lot.

    Chapter 6
    Don’t put a/n in the middle, it distrupts the story. If you really want to say something that’s for the bottom of the chapter. You could always use a *.

    Loved the twist, still not quite sure who that was or what happened but it mixed the chapter up a bit and was pretty hilarious. I did have a moment of wondering if the girl actually WAS Natalie, and if she was acting that way intentionally. It’s good that you kept your readers (or maybe just me) guessing for a little bit.

    I liked the awkwardness, nervousness and uncertainity the most, it’s realistic and it’s easy to relate to, that feeling when you’re first hanging out with a guy you like. Despite not being the kind of thing I would read I found it quite sweet.

    One thing I will say is there was too much bolding and italics. I prefer it when people pick one for emphasis and only use one. It’s just messy otherwise.

    Your writing is definitely good. It’s not difficult to understand or too flowery and trying to be something it’s not and I think it’ll for sure keep improving. J

    Characterisation is good too. Your characters are perhaps a bit plain but they were distinct. In other words, they could probably do with some work, but you’re off to a great start, and hopefully you’re gonna keep up writing. Most of the negatives I found in your writing are things you’ll be able to work on over time. Good job
    Tender Hooks please. It's a one-shot.
    June 8th, 2011 at 08:58pm
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    Layout
    I really liked the layout. It's very dark and quiet and prospective in a way. It's really philosophical, but it gives you this quiet since of deepness to it. May sound weird to have someone say that, but it's nice. Makes you transfer to the mood of the story head.

    Story:
    I love the opening. It just gives you this immediate sense of thought.

    "What's wrong with you, Pete?"

    I mean, just in that question, there's loads of answers and for some reason the one that came to mind was supernatural or misty, like there was something the main character himself didn't understand was happening about himself.

    He was just full of something big and painful and he thought moving closer to Patrick would make it bigger or more painful or both. Or like the something was being pulled out of him, as if he was full of metal and Patrick was a magnet, only warm and soft.

    This part was VERY nice. You got across something to the reader they wouldn't have thought of otherwise, the thought that something is big and sort of eating away at the main character.

    I guess I can say I just love how to describe conflict and hurt and the feel of it. It's very internal and deep. You don't need to go into the character. You just use these two characters and let the scene develop. At first I think they may be lovers, but outside of that, I'm wonder what the bigger scope of an issue is, what's driving them to feel this way about each other or about themselves. I think that's what makes this piece sort of great because you don't tell the reader, you let them solve it for themselves.
    Meet Me In The Middle

    Written for a contest and please read all chapters.
    June 9th, 2011 at 03:08am
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    Layout: The layout is nice. The colors go together well and the background has a nice pattern without distracting too much from the story. The picture, while I'm not sure if it is relevant to the story, is neat and intriguing.

    Summary: The summary is a little awkwardly worded in some places. I think that instead of saying "But, from an early age, his peers made it known that he was an outcast" should be "However, his peers made it clear that he was an outcast from an early age. After 'different than other kids his age', there should be a semi-colon instead of a comma. I also think you should say 'a little more timid and a little more shy' in order to use parallelism correctly. In the beginning of the second paragraph, I think you should use or instead of and, and possibly also explain what it is about his father that he doesn't understand. I also think you should revise the second sentence to, "After years of traveling around the globe, they finally settle down in an unlikely town with unusually quiet next door neighbors." And as for the last question, I think you should re-word the question to, "When these two boys meet, will they be able to face their fears and find love?"

    Prologue
    Grammar errors / Typos:
    - "Cameron’s brother even had to slap in the boy in the back of the head a few times." I think you made a typo here. I think you meant, "Cameron's brother even had to slap the boy in the back of the head a few times".
    - Instead of "There were in a rough patch of Canadian forest", I think you meant "They were in a rough patch of Canadian forest".
    - "and Liam’s shoes plopped into the nastiness of the mood" needs to be "plopped into the nastiness of the mud", perhaps? I think you should also consider using a different word aside from nastiness.
    - "There were him, his father, and his three other brothers." Did you perhaps mean "There was" or "They were"?
    - “can we take a break? I’m tired.” Capitalize "can"
    - “I think we should take the longer trail, try to see more of the forest.” His twenty year old brother suggested." Change this to "...the forest," his twenty year old brother suggested."
    - "But, their father kept on walking and they followed." You don't need a comma after but.
    - "Then, they reached camp." First of all, no comma after then. Secondly, this sentence is kind of weak.
    - "Liam and his fifteen year old brother, Austin, were sitting in the tent with rain sloshing down." It would make more sense to say 'while' instead on 'with'.
    - "He just knew that it was dark outside, really dark and that their dad was making a campfire." Should be, "He just knew that it was dark outside, really dark, and that their dad was making a campfire."
    - “But, what about Mommy?" There shouldn't be a comma after but.
    - "Canadian forest dark" I think you meant, "Dark Canadian forest."

    Suggestions:
    - I think you should reword "The little six year old boy nibbled on his crackers, letting the crumbs cover his lips and the tips of his fingers as he looked out the window" to "The six year old boy nibbled on his crackers, crumbs covering his lips and the tips of his fingers as he looked out the window."
    - I think you should reward this bit a little- "Before he knew it, he was screaming and tasting blood fill his mouth and fall onto the cold sidewalk." I think you need to say, "Before he knew it, he laid on the ground screaming and tasting the blood that filled his mouth, pouring over onto the cold sidewalk."
    - The last sentence needs to be changed, too, "Then, everyone left and Cameron lay there, crying." It's a weak ending for his POV, I think. Why not try, "Everyone left and Cameron lay there on the cold sidewalk, crying and alone."
    - This is worded very awkwardly. "So, let’s move through this path before the rain really starts to pick up.” I would suggest "Let's get to the end of this path before the rain really starts to pick up."
    - "Liam tried to reach for his father’s hand, but then forgot his father hated for anyone to touch him ever since Mommy went away for a while." This is worded awkwardly. I would make it, "Liam tried to reach for his father's hand, forgetting that he disliked any form of affection since Mommy had gone away."
    - "They did that for at least two more hours in the pattering rain'." I would say, instead, "They kept on for at least two more hours in the pattering rain."

    Good things:
    -I like the line "The light bounced off his dark eyes and melted into the warm black of his hair."
    - You use a lot of imagery in your sentences and I get a lot of good images in my mind when reading some of your sentences. Especially when the children are outside playing basketball.
    - I think you did a good job of expressing Cameron's relationship with his peers.
    - I also liked where Steven said "You're never playing with us again." It's cruelly realistic.

    Bad things:
    - Your sentences are a little choppy and some things are worded awkwardly.

    Chapter One
    Grammar errors / typos:
    - “you blinked in that shot too.”. You should be capitalized, as it is a new sentence.
    - "Soon enough, a very drunk Steven came lumbering out of the trees, his own shirt soaked with sweat, and a crunched beer can in his fist." You don’t need the comma after sweat; “and a crunched beer can in his fist” is not an entire sentence.
    - "The top was quite provocative with more than the normal amount of buttons not done." This sentence is just worded a bit awkwardly. ‘The top was quite provocative, with more buttons undone than usual.’ Or something similar.
    - "I’d walked 30 mile paths of mud and poison ivy and I was a wimp." When you’re writing a story, you should write out numbers. Thirty looks much better than 30.
    - "I didn’t even know this kid, how old he were, or even if they were a serial killer. It could be anyone." I didn’t know this kid, how old he was*, or even if he was a serial killer*. It could have been anyone.
    - "Dad had about a house with lots of wood, actually most of the homes in this neighborhood had that near lumberjack feel to them with lots of area rugs, crafted bookcases, long staircases, dens, and big kitchens." Dad had a house with lots of wood. Then it would be best to separate the rest of the sentence into another sentence.
    - "But, my voice stopped dead in it’s tracks." Its is the correct for here. It’s means ‘it is’ not the possessive form.

    Suggestions:
    - The top was quite provocative with more than the normal amount of buttons not done. This sentence is just worded a bit awkwardly. ‘The top was quite provocative, with more buttons undone than usual.’ Or something similar.
    - "Then, I heard a boy crying through the fence, the fence in my backyard to be exact." It’d look much better to say “I heard someone crying through the fence in my backyard.” At first Liam wouldn’t be able to tell that it was a boy crying, and the sentence was too repetitive beforehand.

    Good things:
    - Overall, the chapter was well-written and certainly drew the reader in.
    - I felt bad for both of the boys. I’d like to find out what happened to make Cameron so distant from everyone, and I’d really like to know why he is blamed for his brother’s suicide. I felt even worse for Liam, because his father was so mean to him and clearly abusive. I wonder why his mother left.

    Bad things:
    - A few parts were hard to understand, but I think it’s just the way you worded things.

    Overall
    I think you’ve got an excellent thing going so far. I hope the contest goes well. Good luck! I would review the next two chapters but I just haven't got the time, sorry ): I might read the rest and comment when I have time. :)
    .

    Please review Hoping for Disaster? Thanks

    Mr. Green
    June 9th, 2011 at 11:27pm
  • Nonsensical.

    Nonsensical. (100)

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    Title
    It's a good title, and I'm eager to see how it connects to the story in future chapters.

    Summary
    I like that you used a quote in the summary, because Criminal Minds itself always puts a quote at the beginning or end. It's sort of a personal preference, but I usually continue reading stories if the summary hooks me, and I didn't feel like there was a hook there.

    Layout
    I like the simplistic layout, and after reading, I gathered it's a story about Morgan and Reid, which makes the layout perfecto.

    Chapter Uno
    I always thought it'd be really tricky to write a story centering around a popular television show, because people know it and what to expect of it. But you do it really well! I like that it follows the same general structure of Criminal Minds, starting with the murder.

    I also really enjoyed the way that you wrote the children in the first part. Some people are completely inept at it, but you're fantastic. The way that Danny is annoyed with Darcy when he realizes it was her that scared him and the way Darcy just lets the man in because he looks like Santa Claus are real things that children do. The whole section reads so easily that you can picture everything in your mind.

    The way that you stay in Derrick's point of view is also something that I really enjoyed. I think it would be way too difficult to write what goes on in Spencer Reid's head properly, and Morgan has a much more understandable outlook. I also like how Spencer seems really awkward with Morgan like all the time. It's like you really understand the way they'd act in certain situations really well.

    There are a few parts that sound awkward that reading outloud could catch. For example, "He couldn’t shake the eerie feeling that lingered in the home, though, pulling the blanket over his face as if it would protect him from anything that might be out there." If you took the end clause and put it at the beginning, it would be smoother.

    “Another thing,” Garcia added, “Was that at both crime scenes, a survivor remained.”. Another awkward one. Was could probably be replaced with is, which would help.

    Overall
    This is a fantastic start. It's got all the basic elements of Criminal Minds, but it's still so interesting and different that I want to read more. You've got a really great writing style, and I think that this is going to be a really interesting read (:
    Please review Twisted and Broken Things, particularly chapter two. Thank you (:
    June 10th, 2011 at 03:23pm
  • Out There

    Out There (100)

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    I adore the picture you used in the layout. It’s so reflective and the black and white gives it this calm exterior but then the keyboard is symbolic of expression and gives it a deeper level. And then the mirror, which totally fits with the vampire-theme you have. And not being able to see his face creates an ominous atmosphere. I love the thought you’ve put into the picture you used.

    A really, really great summary. The first paragraph gave me just enough to information to know what kind of story I’m getting into and to flesh out the background, as well as introducing main characters without being boring. The last line already introduced me to Brendon’s voice and revealed a little about his character.

    Confession: Brendon Urie is one of my favourite characters to read in fan-fic, so I was super happy to take this review and see what you did.

    Prologue
    Lovely atmosphere. Quiet and dark and it seemed like so much went on even though little was actually said or done.

    The tension in the air was brinking on tangible. He could feel it enveloping the pair of them
    I really liked this line/s. It showed both conflict and that element of romance and lust without being too fancy or longwinded.

    However, at the beginning, I found there were too many descriptive words. It’s possibly just a preference thing but it felt like you were repeating yourself and it wasn’t necessary and made it seem rambly. Simple writing can be just as good or better.

    Great story-telling elements though. You created a hook at the end and definate mystery.

    Chapter 2
    Immediately I was impressed by how you illustrated the scene and character. Brendon’s character came across a lot in his distaste for the rain (impatient, self-important and a little bit selfish – it’s important that you draw out the elements of characters that will affect the plot and I can see how these would), and mentioning his chauffuer and how it’s set in France. I really felt like I was being pulled into the story at a reasonable pace.

    "Oh, how nice. The weather is absolute shit, This made me smile so hard. Brendon!

    Your characterisations of everyone, Brendon, William (I love how sweet and frivulous he comes across, with all that menace underneath. A great villian if that’s what he turns out to be), the rest of Panic – how they follow Brendon around - are wonderful, consistant and most importantly, enjoyable. I really enjoyed reading Brendon’s reaction to Gabe taking his seat and William being all high and mighty and getting away with it because he’s the ‘boss’, and Brendon being so eager to please him.

    I’m sorry I don’t have time to review the last chapter but I really did enjoy the first two! I said I was excited to see your Brendon and he was so much fun to read. He has such a distinct personality in this story.

    The story itself seems a bit predictable. I assume Brendon will find a girl for William and fall in love with her himself, and then William will want her too (something like that). But I could be completely wrong and even if that is the plot there are so many ways to get original and twist things up. Like the ‘house’ idea. It makes the vampire world in your story seem far more complex than you could have made and also adds the competition you've introduced between the actual vampires (Brendon and Gabe for example) which will no doubt become a big issue between Brendon and William himself.

    Kudos. And good luck with the rest of the story. I genuinely enjoyed what I read.
    Tender Hooks please.
    June 10th, 2011 at 06:47pm
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    Title: I can't see it's relevance to the story, but I do like it. It's intriguing and sounds nice in my mind. Tender Hooks. Rolls off the tongue easily.

    Layout: I actually love the layout. Rarely do layouts with pictures in the background work out, but you've managed to pull it off. The hands don't get in way of the words at all, and they help along with the atmosphere of the story. Just the photo makes me want to go on reading.

    Summary: Simple, but effective. It hints at what the story is about without giving too much away. Nice.

    Content:
    The opening scene, I feel, is an awesome attention grabber. It starts with a simple question that throws the reader right into the drama of it all, leaving them dying to find out more: What is wrong with Pete?

    Patrick said, spreading his arms like surrender. I'm not sure if this was intentional or a typo. Perhaps you meant "spreading his arms in surrender"?

    In the second paragraph, when Pete first speaks, don't put a comma after his words. Put a period.

    He thought of walking over to Patrick but that would make it look as though he had something to say, and he didn’t, he really didn’t. I think you should reword to make this say "He thought of walking over to Patrick, but that might make it look as he had something to say. And he didn't, he really didn't." I think it would flow better when reading. You had a lot of commas.

    I love the comparison between Patrick and a magnet.

    I love this line: Sometimes good things have bad consequences. Like really. I love, love it a lot. Kudos on writing one of my newly found favorite one-liners.

    Pete hadn’t been shouting but not Patrick was. I believe you meant 'now' in lieu of 'not'.

    Because Patrick was first and foremost his friend but also all those other things that Patrick was to Pete, all those things Pete was to Patrick and it all seemed very complicated from where Pete was standing. I enjoy this explanation of it.

    The ending is good. It leaves an air of mystery and the reader has to conclude his or herself what truly happened.

    Overall: I give this story five of five stars. It's short, to the point, filled with emotion, and your writing was fantastic. Seriously. There wasn't much of anything I didn't like about it.
    Please review Hoping for Disaster. Specifically chapter two if you don't want to read through both chapters.
    June 11th, 2011 at 04:28am
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    Double post... oops.
    June 14th, 2011 at 06:02pm
  • Out There

    Out There (100)

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    A pretty, simple layout. The picture itself is perfect, with the two sleeping men, however I don’t really like the patterns over it =/ I love the title though; definitely makes the story seem interesting and like there’s going to be a lot of drama, perhaps even self-destruction involved.

    Chapter 2
    I like how you don’t bore the reader with too many descriptions and only focus on the key details that help create the character or plot.

    Try not to use clichés. I don’t mean in your story-telling because the plot seems to be developing quite well (I enjoy how you have the murder plot and a more subtle storyline that seems to be about Derek in the background), but in the actual way you write it, such as I shook it off, making a mental note to ask him about it later. Reading the same lines over and over in stories is tiring and loses the reader’s attention.

    I have never watched the show this is based on if I’m honest, so I don’t know the characters at all but I really like how you have portrayed them. I found I familiarised myself with them quickly, which isn’t often the case when reading fan-fiction of unknown characters.

    After years of working with the BAU, I still found it difficult to understand the strong emotions a crime scene produced. I supposed they were a mixture of everything- empathy, dismay, and revulsion amongst the strongest ones. Good to put this part in, it shows vulnerability and realism. Many people would assume this being someone’s job they’d be used to it, but it’s a nice touch showing that it’s not the case. Certainly makes your characters more human and easier to relate to.

    Derek simply nodded his head in inclination to the validity of the man’s observation. Sometimes making sentences or your vocabulary over-complicated is just too much, bordering on ridiculous. ‘Derek simple nodded’ or even ‘Derek nodded’ would be just fine.

    I pointed out, finally finding myself able to speak. Once I started, I couldn’t seem to stop, though, feeling an undeniable need to make up for my error before. Fantastic characteristion. Have you heard of ‘show don’t tell’? You did that very well here. I can see your character doesn’t like to make mistakes, is perhaps a perfectionist and thinks a mile a minute. I also like how it’s both this character and Derek acting out of sorts in the chapter – nice correlation.

    Really intriguing development in the main plotline. With the teddy bears. Very strange. Not just a straight up murder and interesting in a psychological manner too. This seems to be going really great. You’re obviously working hard and should be happy with it. :)
    In For A Pound please. It has very mild sexual references, but if you really don't want to read that I wouldn't mind Tender Hooks :)
    June 16th, 2011 at 09:22pm
  • Takanori Matsumoto.

    Takanori Matsumoto. (150)

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    Story/Review Game

    Title:
    I'll admit that I was a bit confused about the title when I first saw it, but it definitely interested me, so it made me want to continue on to the actual story to see what it was about.

    Layout:
    I really like the layout- I'm a huge fan of the simple layouts with a color as the background and a picture for the banner. I think that this layout is gorgeous, except I might not have made the borders so wide (but this is just my personal preference.

    Summary:
    I'm a sucker for the kinds of summaries that just give a small snippet of the story, and I think you picked the perfect bit here. It really set me up for a bit of a fluff story, and I can't tell you how much I love fluff (even though at this point, I haven't gotten to the story, so I could be wrong.)

    Chapter:
    Firstly, I'd like to say that I love how you start this off. It's adorable, and it shows me that these two have a very playful sort of relationship, and that they've been together for a while (without you telling me straight-up that they've been together for months and it's such-and-such night together.)

    “I just wanted to say thank you.” Patrick said it all quick but when he heard it back it seemed to go on forever thank you thank you thank you thank you. There was a shuffling noise, probably Pete looking at Patrick and wow, fuck, this motel ceiling was so damn interesting.

    “For the blowjob? It was totally the best ever, huh?” Pete was joking, clearly, but he still sounded like an arrogant son of a bitch. Underneath the mortification Patrick felt a little smug too.


    I giggled. This is adorable. I love how playful they are, and I love how secretly, Patrick seems to be thanking Pete for a whole lot more than the blowjob he apparently got. That also makes my inner fluff-fan girl happy, because I adore adorable stuff like this.

    “Well, you’re the best I’ve had so far.”

    “They all say that.” Pete laughed at his own joke and Patrick rolled his eyes, but really didn’t mind. “I wonder where I’d be too, Patrick.”

    “If it weren’t for the band?”

    “If it weren’t for you.”


    This also made me really happy to see. I love it when writers do lovey stuff like this without making it nauseating, and it just makes me want to know all the million things that Patrick and Pete have changed about each other, since they are truly convinced that being together has changed them both for the better.

    “You have no idea how much I changed when I met you. I mean, you can’t, because you didn’t know me before you met me. But I was different back then.”

    “You mean, you were even more of a tool?”


    Okay. Can I just say that, despite my not being a ginormous fan of the Fall Out Boy fandom, I really adore these two together now. And I also think that you are now one of my most favorite dialogue writers ever, because the way they talk to each other is realistic and humorous and seems very, very natural. I love it.

    I also loved the last couple of lines- it shows me how much this relationship means to Patrick even more than the beginning did, and it made this whole chapter sweet without being sickeningly sweet (if that makes any sense at all.) Overall, this is a lovely one-shot, and I really did enjoy reading it. I also would like to say that I now understand the title now, thanks to the chapter (and I should say that I love non-generic titles and when they fit into stories so perfectly like this.)

    I didn't really catch any mistakes here, and I don't think that I would have changed a thing, so I'm giving this a ten out of ten.
    The Canvas, please.
    June 16th, 2011 at 11:13pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Story Review Thread

    Layout
    I'm honestly not a fan. I don't like the font you've used or the background. It seems kind of dull to me, I think if you added in a photo and one of those fancy backgrounds laying around it would be much easier on the eyes. Then again, that's not what's important, that would be the writing. But in my experience, the prettier the layout the more readers you get.

    Chapter titles.
    This might just be a personal thing, but I'm not a big fan of the quotes. I think a simple chapter number or an actual chapter title rather than a quote would suffice nicely.

    Content
    I'm iffy about this first sentence, because it's kind of common knowledge that a painting or any portrait would be of someone or something frozen in time. Personally, felt that bit of information was unnecessary. But then again, it kind of leaves this haunting atmosphere to begin that story, but it just was something I felt that was kind of leaving me with a 'duh' feeling. You definitely do a great job at capturing the detail of the photo, I can see what you're trying to make me see. Also the emotions Yuu is feeling is also as clear as that painting--I didn't see if you did this in the author's note, but I have zero clue how to pronounce these names. So maybe a pronunciation helper? Lol, that bit of dialogue--the bit where they're proclaiming love to each other, it was just super cheesy to me. I know I'm not in the moment as they are and it's just a flash of memory, but I snorted at the corniness of it. So question, this is two men yes? Akira is Yuu's husband? I'm not sure where this takes place, and to be honest can't remember where gay union is allowed, but might want to make sure that you mention something like that. Since you say they're married, or maybe you should say "Well, he's partnered to an artist..." Something along those lines? Just to make it realistic? I'm curious as to what made Yuu come into this room to look at this painting after keeping it away for so long? Maybe branch off as to what made him want to come through to see it?

    So I'm not sure if this is a one shot or eventually going to be a full blown story but in case it's just a one shot here are some thing's I'd like to see. I'm assuming since you stated Yuu was married[I might be confused on the person's but whatever] that he's having an affair with Kouyou...(sp?) So maybe kind of dedicate a portion to that maybe how Yuu feels about that. I'm also curious as to how Kouyou died, what kind of illness did he have? Little things like that that would've made this feel so much more personal and would've gotten me much more into the story. Hope I helped. :)
    Fragile Things.
    June 17th, 2011 at 03:59am
  • Colorless Redemption

    Colorless Redemption (100)

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    The layout is very neat, pretty as always. I like the background especially. It gives the story an elegant feel.

    I read the summary and was immediately hooked. Like, straight off. So fucking mysterious and suspenseful. I can't even. Wow. And what an idea. I've never seen a story on here quite like this one, in all honesty.

    You didn't specify a chapter to be reviewed, but I'll go ahead and assume that you're wanting the most recent one looked over, so I'll review chapter twelve.

    Noah’s words while comforting did not still my nervous heart. There needs to be a comma to set off 'while comforting', I do believe, since it is a nonessential clause. I really enjoyed the line when Noah was talking about stated at the world was timeless. I suppose it would be true, without the sun. Time is a man-made concept anyhow, though. I swallowed continuing forward when Noah pushed gently on my waist. There needs to be a comma after 'I swallowed'. I thought the paragraph in which you described the beasts was very interesting. A lot of well-written imagery, as well. I found it intriguing that even though she's seeing them, there is still an element of the unknown surrounding the beasts. I can't help but wonder why the werewolves are chained to the Earth. I find it sad that people merely use werewolves as pets or slaves... I can feel the atmosphere of the story visibly change whenever Jacob arrives. I really enjoyed this line: Flaking buildings, one without doors and some with missing walls passed by. Okay, so the end of the chapter gave me chills, but I must say I love it.

    Overall I have to say that this is an excellent story. Such a unique idea paired with such a talented writer obviously produces the best of the best. I found minimal grammar errors and I love the amount of imagery I found.
    Please review The Escape Artist, chapter two in specific.
    June 18th, 2011 at 04:12pm
  • zacky vee;

    zacky vee; (200)

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    For the Story Review Game:

    The layout:
    I rather liked the layout. It was simply and elegant, and it didn't distract from the story at all. It added something to it.

    The Banner:
    Strange as this may sound, the banner really helped me form my mental picture of Juliet's house. I love when I'm reading a story and I can really vividly picture the scenery.

    The Summary:
    The summary was interesting as summaries go. It had me hooked instantly, and made me really want to get to the first chapter!

    Chapter One:
    First, I think the description was overdone a bit at the beginning. It's nice that you described everything so intricately, but I think it was a little much. Not that it was bad or anything, it was actually really good. I really like your word choice and vocabulary. And the dialogue. It felt real, you know? Like it was really happening, instead of sounding scripted.

    Chapter Two:
    I understand why you requested that chapter two in particular be read. It opened up the conflict in the story a little more, which is good, because I was a little confused what that was at first.

    All in all, you're an extremely talented writer, and it's very obvious that you put a lot of thought and work into this story.
    Savior of the Broken, if you will please XD
    June 21st, 2011 at 04:10am
  • precursors

    precursors (105)

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    Prologue
    I like how you opened; usually, I dislike it when stories are opened like yours is but yours is light and casual, so I like it.
    I don't get this line, though: "...poured over every music video," I just don't understand what you mean by "poured over" a music video.
    So this is an Avenged Sevenfold story? I don't really know them, so I'll try my best, haha.
    After the concert, it moves quickly. One minute she's in the crowd watching the show and the next she's being whisked off and then it's two months later. It's too fast with too little description and I think just a little bit of description could play off the time jump smoothly.
    Okay, it still moves quickly after the two month jump, but you played that off better. It's harder to add to an eight month jump and because Zacky's not in those eight months, it's obviously harder to make it interesting without that main character.
    All in all, a good prologue. (I'm going to review up to chapter two, okay?)

    Chapter One
    Just so you know, you aren't supposed to have links in your stories. You can put them in your author's notes, I believe.

    The dialogue between Riley and her stepmother is very good. It sounds like any college-age girl who'd gotten pregnant and abandonded by the father.
    The Please forgive me Lord, for I have sinned made me laugh, simply because of it's placement in the story; it's good comic relief in the anxious situation Riley's in with her father.
    Riley's father's characterization is done well; he sounds like any overprotective Catholic father would.

    Chapter one is as good as the prologue; its time jumps, however, are played off better with the line breaks you put in.

    Chapter Two
    Again, I don't think you're supposed to have links in the story.

    Kadie and Riley's dialogue at the beginning is wonderful. You write children realistically, not like crazy, hyped up squirrels most writers do. Good job :)

    Zacky's point of view is done well; and the reason why the boys are in the park is great. I could see the meeting set up before it happened and it played out easily.

    -----

    This is a good story. I'm usually not one for famous-person-father stories, but yours is well written and entertaining. Your writing style is light and casual, making it easy and fun to read. There aren't many (if any) spelling mistakes and I didn't noticed too many grammar mistakes, but they were minor. Great job
    Everything is Unreasonable, please
    June 23rd, 2011 at 04:28pm
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    June 23rd, 2011 at 10:07pm
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    June 23rd, 2011 at 10:08pm