Story Review Thread

  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    June 23rd, 2011 at 10:09pm
  • floe239

    floe239 (100)

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    The summary was very nice. I actually think it's sort of what got me interested in the story. Just the idea of watching your own death and all the emotions that go along with it. It's something highly relateable like the mother crying. Then the part that I was already dead before I hit the ground, it's powerful as well because it makes you wonder what led up to that.

    And the layout, it gave a very clear image of the scenery in the actual story with the beach and the water and the time of day that took place in the first chapter.

    First Chapter

    The opening is very grabbing, when I read it I still had the summary in mind so it fit in quite well. The whole thing on naivety makes me think of all the things I did when I was younger and such, so it makes it easy to relate to. Then I get to the sort of fast paced lifestyle of this group of friends: the drinking, the antics. It fits the teenage demographic or at least how everyone perceives the age group.

    And the "you' character, it makes a sense of sadness there. Like the drugs are just there and there's no moving it. It's sort of even worse that the friends accepted it because if something were to happen, like an OD, then they'd all be devastated, they'd all be thinking "I should have done something. I should have..."

    So that was a very nice bit if characterization. I like the person's interior dialogue as well, it's very flowing. Wish I could write like that sometimes actually.

    I find the group of friends very nice to read into. While I'm reading, the tense you wrote in gave me a sense I was sitting with them, hanging out with them. The only thing I found a tad bit confusing was the relationships within the group, but by the end I understood the general layout, but a sense of clarity may be needed.

    And through the whole piece I found myself extremely happy to be reading through the narrator's POV. She's so kind and sort of motherly in the group. She cares about their futures and what happens to them. I just graduated so the whole senior year thing was totally translatable, The idea of everyone's entire futures ahead of them can be a scary thing.

    The part about the divorce as well makes me curious to read ahead and dig through why, why is the divorce happening?

    Overall it was magnificently written. You have no idea how many long chapters or pieces of fiction there are that drag and aren't interesting the slightest bit and they tell nothing. Yours was the exact opposite. It told volumes and it made the reader care.
    Time Stands Still: Book One
    June 23rd, 2011 at 10:26pm
  • Out There

    Out There (100)

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    It’s a really great layout. I love the background, and the picture is very beautiful, although from reading the summary I don’t understand it’s relevance yet (could all change within the story of course).

    Title
    I found it very interesting. My immediate instinct was to expect a sort of supernatural story. Looking forward to finding out.

    Summary
    To be honest I was just a bit confused at first. ‘People die’ just seems to…there. I don’t get how it flows with the rest of the summary. Same with the next line, and it is fragmented. I don’t like the font size changes either.

    However the rest of the summary is good. Provides hooks and isn’t too full of information, although I do prefer snappier summaries.

    I am going to review the first chapter, as you didn’t specify any if that’s all right :)

    Chapter One
    I don’t like the descriptions below the chapter name. Just not necessary.

    Ah, I see the relevance of the picture now. And it makes it so much more effective! It really gives the impression of the whole story being set within this town, that perhaps something isn’t quite right there.

    It was always a rumor whenever the winds picked up in this town that something horrible was meant to go happen that night I really like how you talked about the weather, it’s such an overused symbol but it was effective and built great atmosphere. Also this line is a good example of how you’ve incorporated rumour and the history of the town and cliff, which is definitely what I’d say so far makes your story unique and adds to the idea I mentioned before, of there being something not right about the town.

    Ugh, the ending, my heart went out to Kyle. Ending it like that not only grabs my attention but makes the reader become emotionally invested in the story and characters and encourages them to read on.

    You’re so good at creating atmosphere. One of my favourite things about this. You acknowledge the story is bleak and you’re embracing that. A common thing is making dark stories with teenagers in either just plain silly (which can be all right too sometimes) or unbelievably melodramtic. You’re doing a good job :)
    If the rest of the story is this good I'm sure it's an excellent read.
    Please In For A Pound.
    June 23rd, 2011 at 10:32pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Layout & Title
    I'm not completely sure how the title will relate. From skimming over the content, I'm assuming this is fan-fiction considering the names sound vaguely familiar to me. Is the title like a song title, or will it actually tie into the piece? On the layout, I like the photo you've chosen, but you could enlarge the font a bit, because it's very small. It was actually kind of difficult for me to read.

    Summary
    The dialogue you chose was a good portion to put in as a summary, but as a personal preference I would've wanted more to draw me in. Normally a full summary entailing what I'm about to read is what actually seals the deal on whether or not I want to read it.

    Content
    The first few lines are kind of bland for me. I think for the first sentence, maybe a pause between those first two dialogue sentences would've drawn it more and made it seem more realistic. I also think more description between each dialogue sequence in those first few pieces would be very good. I'm not really liking the amount of dialogue, while dialogue is good it's also great to actually balance it out with description and detail and in just these first few lines that's lacking.

    “I just wanted to say thank you.” Patrick said it since you've got a dialogue tag there it should be a comma after thank you," Patrick

    There was a shuffling noise, probably Pete looking at semi colon after noice.

    I definitely like that bit, I thought it definitely showed how uncomfortable Patrick felt. You did a good job on expanding that particular emotion from the character. You do awesome with your emotion showing, you've got a great way of showing rather than telling and the bits where there were rather detail and description rather than dialogue I really enjoyed it. I'm not saying your dialogue is bad or anything but I feel like the bits where there is dialogue there's just dialogue and not enough surrounding it if you get what I mean.

    There was a few more commas needed in dialogue tagged sentences throughout, but otherwise this was a wonderful piece. :)
    Fragile Things, please?
    June 24th, 2011 at 12:43am
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    i review as i read, jsyk:
    I read this a while ago, I remember. I feel like the description of all of the things she'd never done was sort of overdone and carried out. That's so terribly depressing to think of people being killed by UV rays because this all, even though they are vampires so therefore probably not exactly the nicest people ever.

    I'm assuming the father committed suicide. It's understandable; having something wonderful in your life and then never seeing it again, it's sort of upsetting and it makes sense. I sort of feel like the story is picking up very slowly t this point, like, so far I haven't really been grabbed yet. It's okay, but there's something lacking in these early chapters that's making me not really want to continue to read; it's just a little umph, I guess. I dunno.

    I wonder who Noah is - is he a vampire thing? Oh, he's a silver. These are cool names for things that we have different names for, you can understand and see the differences between this society and their society, and I love how there's the undertone of them not being alone.

    As I said, there's something missing with the story. I mean, it's a solid plot and it's interesting, but there's some something that's missing. It almost feels like emotion is lacking, because I just can't get into it.

    That he know who she is sort of shows how things can get around. When there's one survivor who escapes, there'll be plenty more who have the potential to at the least. There are more of them out there, and if they know who she is perhaps more of them will try to come.

    Ooh, I wonder what he is if he's not human. You introduce a new concept with every chapter and it's interesting but it sort of gets to be a touch confusing because it's sort of information overload. Developing the concepts you have first before introducing too many new ones sort of makes more sense.

    So wait. There's vampires who suck blood, vampires who are only affected by sunlight who eat humans, and werewolf type beings? Honestly, I'm very confused at this point. It's well written, yes, and it's a nice story, but I don't feel the emotion from your writing or do I feel like there's enough information about the supernatural beings. It's sort of Blood and Chocolate meets Vampire Academy meets Daybreakers.

    I feel that, overall, what could be done to improve this is developing the concepts you initially introduced and explaining them a bit further - in some stories, it works where the world is assumed and little bits and pieces are revealed to make the story make more sense throughout, but for this one it's just sort of confusing. Developing your characters might help as well- all I know about Annabelle really is taht she loves her family and the people she grew up around, she'd do anything to protect them seemingly, and Jacob was someone special to her. I don't feel like I know enough about this to really understand it.

    It's a good story with a good plot, don't get me wrong, but I feel like the writing could've been executed a touch better because it just doesn't feel like there's enough done and at the same time there's too much going on.
    chapters four and five of Reintroductions? Or as much as you can do?
    June 25th, 2011 at 12:11am
  • red bandit.

    red bandit. (100)

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    clam m'dear :D

    i review as i read as well!
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    I love the layout. the color scheme is great, and the dandy-like shoes make me smile (: the entire scheme of the story compliments the layout, nicely done. the only thing i don't love so much is that the image repeats, though that's a personal preference. don't change it if you don't want to!

    chapter four
    there's something eery about that phrase. what Gabe wanted, William retrieved.

    i love your descriptions of William and Brendon. Your adjective choice is lovely! It's not too wordy, it's concise and it allows for your imagination to create these people (especially if you don't know who they are).

    oh, gosh. i could just imagine a big cheesy Brendon smile. i love the way you said that and where you placed it! If only he knew that William wasn't looking for a relationship, no Brendon! noooo! {okay, kae will go back to legitimately reviewing now.}

    that paragraph about the non-date was perfectly realistic. and i like how Will was straight for "all intensive purposes". this also makes me wonder {sorry, i have not read the previous chapters, it's on my list of things to do for tonight!} how old is brendon supposed to be? is he only 18 or 19? is that why he had to decide whether he liked the taste of wine?

    i laughed when Will said he doesn't have a creative bone in his body, poor unsuspecting Brendon.

    although, yesterday you complained about your dialogue:description ratio, i like it. i feel that it doesn't need to be a perfect 1:1. your conversation has a nice natural flow. i'm assuming that was foreshadowing at the end? it makes me excited to read on!

    onto the next chapter!

    chapter five
    i'm getting bored with saying "i like" so i'm thinking of new terms. i appreciate that William can see the flaws in his lies rather than letting them just catch up and get him.

    i love that Gabe is still Gabe. out in the "bumfuck" of the woods? haha, that's a new one!

    uh-oh, that girl is in for an interesting night.

    oh, that was dramatic irony! Brendon hesitated before nodding, shrugging. “I’ve got nothing to lose, so sure.” i like it! i like it a lot!

    i can't wait to read more! despite his old age William can maintain modern-day conversation i love the line. "Gabriel is not the arch-angel you hear of, no, he has nothing to do with that religious shit."

    overall
    overall, nice job! actually, great job! i'll go back and read the first three chapters, and then suspect a subscription from me m'dear :D
    Never Silent
    June 25th, 2011 at 01:23am
  • precursors

    precursors (105)

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    Layout:
    I really like the banner; it's busy, but not too busy and has that sort of vintage, faded and colorful look to it. I also like the overlay picture of a man in the window area--I didn't notice it at first, but looked closer and saw it. The rest of the layout is simple, balancing out the bright banner.

    The opening paragraph is exciting. The use of figurative language is wonderful and I like the second person perspective; it's a harder perspective to work with, but I sense that you can write it well. I also enjoyed the Shakespeare quote, as you don't see that in most fiction, especially on mibba.

    As I read the next few paragraphs, I felt as if I was reading an angry letter to Shaun.
    In the third paragraph, there's a tiny mistake:
    "I have to shoot up with your cologne, bathe in your presence, it so goddamned sick."
    It should be "it's so goddamned sick".

    Your beginning is good; it's intense with her anger and frustration with Shaun, but she's distraught at the same time because she's in love with him.

    Dylan and Kae's discussion gave a lot more insight and is also very well written. I already see development in the plot with Shaun - I assumed that's who Kae and Dylan were talking about - and Kae, showing that he doesn't treat her right and that may be the reason for her angry monologue at the beginning of the story.

    I loved the paragraph after the dialogue; the personification of her heart being a tenant and her questions were fantastic.

    The first two paragraphs have some confusing lapse in tense.
    It continues to say "I wished", but I think it might keep tense if it's "I wish". It goes back to present tense for a sentence or two, but then back to past tense in the last sentence and next paragraph. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that way, because we don't exactly know the setting yet, but it's just a tad confusing.

    “I was waiting for you,” insert yawn, “to get home! Where have you been?” That’s nice Shaun, to pretend you were interested in me.
    I liked her comments rather than dialogue tags, and we still know who's talking without the tags.

    The last paragraph was good; it gave a lot of background information, and how they've known each other for a while and neither of them really want, necessarily, to be a couple, but at the same time Kae wants it because she loves Shaun now.

    Kae's angry words coming out in Spanglish is a nice touch. I know a few people whose first language was Spanish, and this does happen with them, too. Very realistic and good characterization.

    As their argument continued, my eyebrows rose. Their relationship turned out to be a business deal and Shaun's selfishness. Kae's comment after what he said is what made my eyebrows really rise and probably gave the most plot development so far.

    I liked the repeat of what Shaun had said with what Kae said, except for when she says she might love Dylan more than herself.

    Shaun's letter was saddening and ironic at the same time. He said he could replace Kae and that he'd never love her, but he did. He grew up some and realized that he loved her.

    All in All:

    This was a good one shot. I liked it and it had plot and realistic characters. Shaun's suicide wasn't expected, but I feel that's the strongest point of this story because Kae didn't expect it either. I honestly don't have criticism for this; it's very well written, has good grammar, realistic, developed characters, and a interesting plot line.
    Great job :)
    Everything is Unreasonable
    June 25th, 2011 at 11:21pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    REMINDER:

    Carefully read the first post before participating in the Story Review Thread.

    If you're still unsure of what an acceptable review is,
    please take a look at these examples:

    [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

    June 27th, 2011 at 08:09am
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Layout / Summary: The picture did seem a little pixelated but I thought that the quote was actually quite easy to read. The colors seemed to contrast with the layout slightly but I liked the layout itself. It was easy to read, which is also a big plus. I liked the summary as well; it caught my attention and it sounded quite interesting. I particularly liked the line I was dead before I hit the ground. There was something almost chilling about it. I'm not sure how the little bit of poetry underneath relates to the rest of the summary but I'm hoping that is explained in the story itself.

    Story: First off, I like the idea in general. I'm always drawn to these types of stories, about the afterlife of sorts. I thought that first paragraph did a great job at setting the scene up; I'm a fan of run-on sentences so I liked the sort of ambling flow it had.

    Not even when your brother told them that you’d been going to raves, not study groups, and getting high, not smart. I quite enjoyed this line. I'm always a huge fan of contrast when it is used and this was a great illustration of it.

    It’s the middle of August... The paragraphs before this were past tense but suddenly it switched to present tense. This was a little bit jolting for me; I'm not sure if you planned on doing this or not (I know that I've accidentally switched tenses before) but I personally believe that it would be an easier read if you stuck with one tense, whether that be past or present.

    You came back with a line of tracks on your elbow and a pile of new skeletons in your closet. That was another really great line. It was almost poetic.

    When your wrestling gets to close to the water... That should be too. Also, the tense switched in this paragraph again. I won't point out if it switches again but it is quite distracting when it happens.

    Now that I've finished the story, I have to ask; do you plan on continuing it as a long story? If so, that would be great, because there are some things that need to be expanded upon. I was rather confused about how the summary related to the story; I thought that it would be about death or so. I also felt like the characters needed some more development, especially Pat and Kennedy; they were just names to me. The divorce was just kind of out of nowhere as well. I think that if you planned on continuing this, you could definitely address some of these issues.

    Overall: Overall, I could tell that you had worked hard on this. Your writing style is quite good and many of your sentences were almost poetic (like the ones that I pointed out earlier). I really enjoyed the first few paragraphs but when the tenses started to flop back and forth, I got distracted by trying to figure out what was going on. For grammar errors, I only noticed that one I pointed out. Overall, it could use some fine-tuning but it is obvious that you worked hard on this, so good job, and keep writing! (:
    Twisting and Turning Colors please. It's Ryden but there's no explicit sexual content between them.
    June 27th, 2011 at 06:30pm
  • Natalie!!

    Natalie!! (250)

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    Summary/Layout- I was actually somewhat pleasantly surprised by how classy that layout was. I honestly sat there for a good five minutes and stared. I’m honestly desperately in love with that picture. I’m a sucker for long summaries, but I actually really enjoyed yours. There was something about it that drew me in almost instantly.

    January- I thought the description of the couch was brilliant. Your wording was eloquent, but not in a way that took several readings to understand. The description of the sticker peeling off made me smile, because it was something I easily related to. There was just something so…. cute about the whole section.

    February- Again, your furniture descriptions really got me. I like how you talk about the scarred coffee table and Ryan only wearing one sock. You don’t over describe, but I have a very clear picture in my head, which takes talent on your part. I was already thoroughly impressed by the writing by this point.

    March- Though this is all far from my life, it still remains extremely relatable. Personally, slash isn’t my thing but I don’t mind it in the least bit. I like how innocently this is portrayed, to the point that people who oppose slash could comfortably read it. Your diction is stunning, and I’m extremely drawn in.

    April- The way you start off each month is unique, and I actually somewhat could picture the whole scene already just by those first phrases. There’s almost a hint of mystery throughout the thing, maybe more accurately descried as curiosity. The only thing that kind of stopped me was that you said the glass was barely clinging to his hand. I think you may have meant that his hand was barely clinging to the glass.

    May- Again, I like how you don’t make kissing into something dirty. It’s almost innocent in a way, and the mini golf only adds to that effect.

    June- For some reason, I liked June. Just the way it looked was…. Nice.

    July- I like that slash isn’t just some slut-fest for you. You don’t make things any dirtier than they have to be, which is unique. I thought the soap opera reference was aptly placed, and overall enjoyed this month.

    August- I feel like I actually may have been sad to read this month. The emotions were really getting to me, if that makes any sense at all.

    September- I really liked what Jon said about the grease. I think it’s kind of cute in a strange way that Ryan knows it’s Brendon’s arm. I kind of laughed at this one.

    October- I REALLY liked the last two sentences of this one. It all just added another layer to the emotion, giving the story more depth.

    November- I kind of wondered why you chose the name Spencer for the girl, since that was the only band member you didn’t include, and he’s… you know… a boy. Other than that, this may’ve been my favorite month.

    December- I like that Brendon can’t stay mad, and I like how quickly but believably you change the tone. The ending was possibly THE most perfect thing you could’ve done. I actually reread it a few times and just smiled.

    Overall, I am SO freaking impressed with this. You are extremely talented, and I hope you know that. I’ll definitely be looking into more of your work. You added just the right amount of humor, and the overall tone was exceedingly unique, just like the story line. I was very impressed.

    The Toast to My Waffles Please! Clap
    June 29th, 2011 at 08:34pm
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    Story Review Thread

    Layout and Summary

    First off, I really like that the layout isn't obnoxious or distracting. I like the subtle colors, and I feel like that subtilty adds to the story rather than detracting from it as some layouts do. I have to admit that I'm not crazy about the title being at the bottom of the banner in blue. It's one of my pet peeves in layouts because it's so easy to hide that in the banner.

    I thought the summary was really cute, and though I like how you tied in the meaning of the title at the end, I also feel like this summary gives a little too much away. It's too obvious that Adam and Natalie are going to get together. The dialogue at the end also needs paragraph breaks. I also have to admit that the disclaimer at the end is a little redundant and detracts from the story. Since this is fanfiction, of course we know you don't own the person, and if someone does plagiarize your story, the threat in the disclaimer isn't really going to stop them,they'll just get reported and the copy will get taken down. It just makes the story look a little immature, in my opinion.

    Chapter 2

    I'm starting from chapter two because I've already commented on chapter one.

    Okay, being completely honest, I'm not crazy about switches in point-of-view in the middle of a chapter. It just reads better, if you're going to switch character perspectives, to switch each chapter, not in the middle of a chapter.

    I thought the opening with Adam was cute, if not a little too overdramatic. I enjoyed that you chose to open with a more comical scene, which really sets the mood that this is going to be an unexpected, light-hearted love story, but I felt like it was a little too slapstick. Like, I just can't picture a guy, who I'm assuming is over eighteen, falling into the floor because he had to do his job. I also can't imagine his agent stepping on his chest because that's just unprofessional. Though this would make a cute scene in a Disney movie, it just doesn't feel realistic to me. I did like his relunctance though, so if you were to rework this, I would definitely keep that in, just less exaggerated.

    I like the friendship you established between Natalie and Nicki. I also thought that you did a good job recreating what an actual letter a winner of one of these types of contests would receive, and I like that you used Nicki reading the email as a way to ease in background information, though I don't really understand why Natalie entered the contest if she didn't really care about winning. I'm hoping you expand on that in a later chapter possibly?

    As far as constructive criticism goes, I hate to be so harsh, but I don't feel like these girls come off as being 18 years old. Their interactions seem very immature, and I think that even the fifteen-sixteen range would be a bit of a stretch as far as maturity level goes. I mean, my best friend and I are both twenty, and we adore Big Time Rush, but we don't act like that, and I just can't imagine any person a senior in high school or a high school graduate being so juvenile. I also didn't like that, though this is one of the earlier chapters, which are sort of "make it or break it" as far as stories go, I don't really have a goos grasp on the characters. There's nothing really relatable about them that would make me care to read further, like I'm not seeing any real character traits coming forward.

    Chapter 3

    While I do adore the idea of falling in love through a series of phonecalls, once again, I feel like this chapter is unrealistic. I think Adam is coming off as too much of a lovesick puppy dog after only one five-minute call. I get that you need to make him attracted to her in order for the story to progress, but this feels a little too rushed. I definitely think there should be some hint of attraction, but I think a sense of intrigue would be more suitable following that short of a phonecall.

    I thought you did an amazing job of describing her voice at the beginning of the chapter and how she sort of drawed him that way, but I feel like his reaction was too much too soon.

    Chapter 4

    I really liked the interaction between Hutch and Adam. It was funny, but it didn't come off as if you were trying too hard to make witty banter. Though the way you use bold, italics, and underlines in your dialogue is a little hard on the eyes, especially when it's used for lines at a time. I understand why you're doing it, to stress certain words, but you can get that effect by describing how they say their words and the inflections in their voices as opposed to going crazy with the formatting. Also, just by reading the dialogue and imagining the scene in their head, the reader can assume which words are emphasized and which aren't.

    I'm still a little bothered that this is the fourth chapter, and I feel like I still know nothing about these characters. I feel like the only character I really have a feel for is Hutch, who seems like a really strong, realistic supporting character, but the others just don't come off as being developed to me.

    Chapter 5

    Like someone mentioned in their review above, I felt like the info dump in the third paragraph just doesn't fit. I mean, it's nice that you actually bothered to do your research, but that paragraph doesn't flow with the tone of the rest of the story.

    I sucked in a breath and began dialing Adam’s number, but was promptly interrupted by Big Time Rush spouting out of my phone - You don't need a comma before "but" here. The second half of the sentence isn't an independent clause, therefore having a comma there is incorrect.

    I typed the address of Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza, and pressed send. - Same error here as I mentioned above.

    Honestly, I don't really have much to say about this chapter because frankly, there wasn't much to it. It's cute that they're talking and whatnot, but there's still no development. They aren't really talking about anything important except that they're geographically close to each other. I feel like this would've been the perfect opportunity to ease in some backstory about each of the main characters, but you just sort of let that chance slip away.

    Chapter 6

    Honestly, I felt like this was the best chapter of this story I've read so far. Now I actually know somewhat what the characters look like.

    The author's note in the middle of the chapter is really unnecessary (and against the rules, I'm pretty sure). I mean, that's what the A/N at the bottom of the chapter is for, and it just completely yanks the reader out of the story. I also sort of feel like you rely way too much on pop-culture references, such as the Bieber reference in the beginning, the multiple BTR references, the Selena Gomez reference, and now this Snooki reference. Cultural references are fine every now and again, but they shouldn't make up the entire story. It just feels like you're trying too hard to establish what these characters like instead of who they are.

    And once again, though the encounter between Adam and the Snooki-wannabe was funny, it's not realistic. Adam's heard Natalie's voice over the phone, so of course he should know she doesn't have a New Jersey accent. I did think that your descriptions in that section were really strong though. I could envision the scene well.

    In Natalie's section, I didn't really understand your use of italics. If it was for a flashback, then all of it should be italicized, not just the dialogue between Natalie and Hutch. I have to admit that I absolutely adore Hutch in this chapter and how he has Adam's back like a good friend should.

    Overall, I feel like the writing itself is stronger in this chapter, but the content still doesn't really do anything for me.

    Chapter 7

    I thought the little translation part in the first half of this chapter was completely adorable and quirky, which is always a plus in my book.

    I do like to see that, over the course of this, your writing is improving. I feel like this chapter has those same strong descriptions as the previous one, but these two most recent chapters don't really match up tone-wise and flow-wise with the other previous chapters.

    Also, it's against Mibba rules to have a link in the middle of a chapter (though we're allowed to have them in the A/N), so the youtube video of the skateboarding trick is breaking the rules.

    Overall, I thought this was a cute chapter, but I still feel like their relationship is developing way too quickly.

    Overall, I feel like this is a good skeleton for a story, and it definitely has potential, but it also needs some serious work. As I mentioned multiple times in my review, I feel like the main characters aren't developed at all. After reading the seven chapters of this story, I still don't know who these people are, and at best, they seem a little too perfect and too cookie-cutter. Don't be afraid to give them some quirks, that's what makes characters feel real and allows readers to be able to relate to them.

    I also noticed that you aren't really taking any advice from previous feedback, as I found myself repeating a lot of the aspects that Out There mentioned in her review, so I kind of felt like I was wasting my time reviewing this entire story if you're just going to brush off any constructive criticism given.

    Once again, I don't mean to come off as rude or disrespectful, I'm not saying that this is a shitty story or anything along those lines. I actually think this story has great potential if you'd just stick with it, listen to the feedback you're receiving, and edit accordingly.

    Anyways, good luck with this Cute
    Please review Take Me to Infinity. I'm actually in the process of editing the story so that I can start updating again, so it would be ah-mazing if I could get as many chapters reviewed as possible. Cute If you only have time to really review a couple, I'd rather it not be the first one since it's the one people generally comment on in comment swaps or whatever.
    July 3rd, 2011 at 04:26am
  • Sardonic Grin

    Sardonic Grin (200)

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    I'm reading the first chapter and I'm like "Wait...this sounds really familiar. And I realized, that I read the first chapter before XD Apparently when it was a one shot, and now I see that you turned it into an entire story which I am very happy to see.

    I don't want to go the easy route, since I know you are trying to edit, but grammar wise you are a very strong writer and I like that. I didn't really see any mistakes when I read the second chapter, which allowed me to be completely engulfed in content.

    Content Wise: I definitely see this being like a "Sex in the City" novel, or a typical "young strong woman" novel. Which isn't a bad thing. You have the writing style that could get published. It's easy to read, interesting, and you have a main character that's likable. She isn't a ditzy typical girl, but she isn't the "I'm too cool to fall in love, look how strong I am RAWR" type of girl either. She is someone many people can relate to. And as someone who is 23 and thinking of moving away from my surburban lifestyle, I can relate to Autumn.

    I still think Kandi is a little one-dimensional, but since this is now a full length story, it gives her time to grow. Which I like. I think it was kind of crazy that she is already sharing the same cup with Logan. I mean, germs man. We don't know where that guy has been! But there are girls like that haha.

    This isn't the kind of story I would usually read, honestly. But I really like your style and think you are a very good writer, a bit typical. But Typical isn't a bad thing, and I don't mean typical as in 'Mibba" typical. I mean, you could get published. This is something young women would read. This is something that could be picked up. So in that sense, I think it is very good. Continue to write and edit. You are doing a great job :)

    --

    Please read Red

    Thanks :)
    July 7th, 2011 at 08:09am
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Story Review Game.

    To begin, I really liked the summary. It sounded really interesting and it instantly got my attention, which is always a good first impression to make. I really like stories that have to deal with murderers and that sort of thing so that made me even more interested. I'm generally not a huge fan of layouts that aren't in the middle but that's more of a personal preference. I wasn't really a huge fan of the font in the banner; it seemed too cartoony for the subject matter. Nonetheless, that's a personal preference thing and if you're happy with your layout, please keep it the way it is. :)

    I love the tone you set with the very first chapter. Even if he's a killer, I can't help but like the main character right off of the bat. I love how you managed to incorporate details about the character and about the environment around him, but you did it in such a casual way. That bit about the wind chimes was just plain glorious; I hate wind chimes so I can completely understand his feelings on that matter! xD

    The moment you forget your own humanity is the moment you are pressed up against a blue car with red and blue lights splashed across your face. I really like that line because it really is true. Many serial killers think that they're much smarter than the cops, which leads to such a simple mistake. I love how your main character is aware of this flaw and he's aware of the fact that he's slipping up. His self-awareness seems a bit cocky but it doesn't, at the same time. I love that.

    I'm only on the fourth paragraph but I'm noticing that the observations the character is making are just so true about life; about the quiet kid sitting at the back of the classroom? Very true. This is a very intelligent story.

    The names! I recognized them all so I couldn't help but laugh, especially at the Tyler Bateman one. Very clever. xD

    Too many friends makes you sloppy to. That last to should be too, although that might make the sentence sound a little redundant. Maybe change it to 'as well?'

    Now that I've reached the end, I am definitely impressed with the character development you've employed. Your writing style actually sounds like someone is narrating or thinking this aloud. The character is definitely unique, mainly due to that self-awareness I mentioned earlier. He's not stupid; he knows that he is a human and he knows that he has made mistakes. I think that was the perfect spot to end the first chapter as well; who is this he and how did the main character meet him? How is he so special? Overall, other than that one small grammar mistake, I have no problems with your writing. My only issue would be with the layout and that's really a very small problem that comes down to my personal preference. :)

    I think that I'm actually going to subscribe. I'm interested to see where this goes. :)
    Mob Rules, please.
    It is a My Chemical Romance fanfict but there's no slash involved.
    July 7th, 2011 at 05:36pm
  • fairyfeller

    fairyfeller (1655)

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    This is fantastic!

    The layout fits wonderfully; it's very easy easy on the eyes, a good colour (fits in with the bloody demise of Henry) and the banner is lovely! The summary is very intriging and I like how it makes me want to click onto the chapter without giving much details. It made me think the story was going in a completely different direction to how it actually went, so the summary helped set up a nice twist.

    I love how the story goes from very light-hearted, with Gerard and Frank causing mayhem at night, to being filled with tension as they run from the cops and then to the horror of finding the truth of Gerard's father. Everything flowed together wonderfully.

    The interaction between Gerard and Frank at the start was great. I love stories that have friends who bicker. I esspessially liked the lines "Swear on my mother's honor! He's in the fucking mob man! You know, cement shoes, horse's heads-"
    "Yeah yeah, sleeping with the fishes, all that shit. Maybe in your dreams Gerard."

    These injected a bit of humour into the story, which I enjoyed, and I liked how you misled me by portraying Gerard as being a little crazy.

    The move from a light-heartedness to a more serious tone was very well exucuted. I liked how you continued to portray them as being high instead of forgetting about it, and the whole bit about Frank losing his wind and struggling to breath after tripping is very realistic. You've really managed to cature the building tension as the police arrive.

    they both know what the distinctive
    I think the 'what' should be 'that'.

    Just in front of them, a light flares and, against their own free will, Gerard and Frank press one eye each up against the crack in the wall that the light is coming through. I like how both Frank and Gerard feel compelled to look, desperatly curious despite the things they're hearing. I think it's something a lot of people would do in similar situations. I also like how both are almost paralysed due to fear, and how Gerard isn't even aware that he's crying.

    When they hear the sirens coming down the street, they start running again.
    I thought this line worked well; it's almost like a return to reality.

    The aftermath of the whole incident is written extremely well. In one paragraph, you've managed to show how horribly shaken up they are about it, and how Frank is still terrified about being near the Way household. I was thinking that things would be okay, up until the twist at at end, with He looks an awful lot like Frank. Wasn't expecting that.

    Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece. You handled the changes in pace and tony extremely well, and I love the open-ended ending, that fits very well with the rest of the story.
    Twenty-Seven Years in my Bed please.
    July 7th, 2011 at 06:36pm
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    Layout and Summary

    First off, I thought the title was very intriguing, and it's one of the reasons I chose to review this. Though both the layout and summary are simplistic, I feel like they're very fitting for this piece. I like that, while the layout has character, it doesn't detract from the story, and everything is still easy to read. I thought the summary did its job wonderfully: it gave a brief glimpse into the story, drawing the reader in, without giving the entire plot away.

    Content

    I really enjoyed the way that you began this piece with the image of Ryan sitting on the floor looking over old photographs. It really set the tone of nostalgia that seems to play a huge role throughout the story. Even though this piece consisted mostly of conversation, the dialogue between Colin and Ryan flowed very naturally. There wasn't a single instance where I thought any of their words felt forced or off-beat.

    Another thing that I enjoyed about this, that set it apart from most of the stories I've read on this site, was that you chose to write about characters that are middle-aged, which added an interesting aspect to this story. Being barely in my twenties, I've never really thought about being old and looking back on my life, so I enjoyed experiencing those emotions secondhand through this.

    I also thought you perfectly captured both of these comedians' types of comedy in this piece. It's been a while since I've watched Whose Line, but I felt like your characterizations were spot on, and I could easily imagine Colin and Ryan going through these actions and having this conversation in my head.

    The one thing that stuck out the most to me was the way you made this seemingly fluff piece something more by adding in wit in just the right places. It wasn't too sugarcoated or sickenly sweet. I thought the online facts were very interesting, and I love how you tied in the title subtly through them. It was a nice touch.Another thing I liked was how you managed to be suggestive without being too dirty. This had the perfect balance of affection and suggestiveness, in my opinion.

    The only real constructive criticism I have would be to add some more physical descriptions of the character. I know who the characters are, so it wasn't that difficult for me to picture them in my head, but I'm sure that not everyone who comes across this will have that advantage. A few subtly woven-in descriptions would just tip this over the edge and enhance it even more.

    Overall, I thought this was a great moment-in-time oneshot and an enjoyable read =D
    Please review Take Me to Infinity. I'm actually in the process of editing the story so that I can start updating again, so it would be ah-mazing if I could get as many chapters reviewed as possible. Cute If you only have time to really review a couple, I'd rather it not be the first one since it's the one people generally comment on in comment swaps or whatever.
    July 7th, 2011 at 08:01pm
  • keepitsecret

    keepitsecret (100)

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    Layout and Summary: I really like your layout - It's simplistic and the banner is a nice addition. I liked the summary because there's enough there to get you interested, but not too much that it gives away the plot. I really like the tagline -A moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry. - it just gives a nice feel, and made me intrigued to read it!

    Content: I won't say too much about the first chapter as you've said you'd rather others were reviewed. :)
    I really like how you introduce the story. Due to your summary, I had a good idea of what would be going on, but your opening paragraphs really set the scene. By the end of chapter one, I had really got a feel for the characters involved.

    Something i've noticed from reading the first few chapters is that you have a very individual style. Your writing has a good flow, and you don't over complicate your plot, your characters, or your descriptions. I find myself being glued to the chapters, and feeling like I really want to carry on reading, even though i'd never even heard of Breathe Carolina before now!

    You develop you're main character, Autum, very well. Your characters are very realistic and almost jump out of the page at you. You made your main character strong and inviting, which is something, in my opinion, that every story should do. I began to find more depth to other characters (Kandi, etc) throughout the later paragraphs.

    Your plot is realistic, which is something I really like. There's no ridiculous giant event within the first two paragraphs, and the characters aren't over the top. I like that it didn't follow the cliche of the main characters falling in love straight away.

    On of the things I really admire is that, from what I can see, you listen to what your reviewers say and react to it. You take peoples comments and adapt your story to it, aswell as following your own plots and ideas.

    I think you're grammatically strong, and I haven't noticed any errors or the like whilst reading which made me happy. :)

    In conclusion, I want you to know that I really enjoyed this. Even though I'd never heard of Breathe Carolina, I really felt like i could understand it without needing prior knowledge, which is what i find with lots of other fanfictions and stories. I like your individual style and the fact that I can read your story with ease and interest!

    Very well done :)

    I hope this was helpful to you! :)
    My Beautiful Girl please?
    July 7th, 2011 at 10:41pm
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    Layout: Well, it's pre-made. I don't know how to judge on that. I guess it's more of a lack of creativity, or care. Or you don't know how to make a story layout. Doesn't matter to me too much. As long as I can read it, it's okay.

    Summary: It's simple and it's perfect. It doesn't make me want to turn away from the story. Although I don't like romances too tough, this is a review. So reviewing is what I'm going to do.

    Chapter: As I was reading it, the further I got I began to realize that it's not a man in love, but a father loving his child, not wanting to let her go. It's a little touching because it reminds me of my dad and his "not wanting to let me leave" and all. It's sweet. But I don't know where the story is going. It's sounding more like a descriptive story than a regular story. Almost as if it should be a narrative poem, or something like that. That is unless you're going to add another chapter that's more story like.

    If it weren't so short, I'd have more to say... but it's short. I'm not the one to spot out grammar mistakes or typos too well. For that, you might want to ask an editor.
    Stripped Naked. Full review please. That includes layout critique, summary, chapter and even title if you may.
    July 8th, 2011 at 02:47am
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    Title: Stripped Naked is simple and captures my attention.

    Layout: I like the colors of the layout, but for whatever reason there's no picture showing where the banner would normally be.... I don't know if you simply have no banner or it is a mistake, but either way it's strange. You also might consider changing the link color? I feel like it clashes because it's too similar to the background color.

    Summary: It flows very nicely and has a poetic ring to it. I love the repetition of the words pleasing and perfect. I have no recommendations for change; I think it's perfect as is.

    First chapter: I think present tense was an odd choice. I can understand if it's your thing, but it's like you're trying to tell a past story from present tense and it gets very confusing....
    On her face she can feel the slight crusty feeling of dried sweat resting on her forehead and across her breast. I think you ould better word this by saying On her face she can feel the slight crust of dried sweat resting on her forehead and across her breast.
    The child indeed was, in the eyes of many, the perfect person. Is instead of was.
    he feels she has forsaken god and asks for his forgiveness God, not god.
    That was until, the night before. No comma needed there.
    Need commas in this sentence: The party, to her, was much more than what she expected.
    I like how Monica says girl a lot. One of my friends does that when addressing me and it reminds me of her.
    Supposedly they are times to let loose and enjoy life for the moment while still maintaining her ideal standards, she thought I think you meant there and not they.
    I really love the description of her dancing. It flows so naturally and is worded beautifully. I also love the last lines: A young man wanted to join her but not today. Today she was going to enjoy this moment on her own.
    something else in-front of her in-front doesn't need to be hyphenated.
    a 2gymnophoria Typo?
    The truth really was that deep down inside behind all the doubt and drugs, she wanted to sleep with this man tonight. I enjoyed this sentence.
    “Wow. You’re almost perfect.” I think it's kind of ironic that she says this. I love it.
    Overall I thought the chapter was pretty good. There were a few spots that could use working on, but it's still nice.
    Please review Handcrafted Monsters Mr. Green
    July 8th, 2011 at 09:29pm
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    Layout and Summary:

    First off, I really like the layout. It's simple, so it doesn't distract me from the actual story, but it's still just enough to give the reader a feel for the story. From the banner, I get the impression that this is going to be a darker story, and I like that you didn't automatically go to black as one of the primary colors of the layout. I feel like the dusty color of this is more unique.

    I think the summary's nice; I really like the line you chose to use. I have to admit though, if this is going to be a chaptered fic, I think you need a little bit more of a summary, just so that the reader will have a bit of a grasp on what it is that they're getting themselves into. In my opinion (and that's all it is, my opinion XD), one-liners work well for oneshots and shorter pieces, but they don't have enough information to cover a chaptered piece.

    Chapter One:

    I really like how you set up the scene just in the first paragraph, though I've got to admit, it was kind of an overload for me. Generally, when you chose to describe all of the physical characteristics of a character in one paragraph, it doesn't stick for the reader. It's just too much to really grasp on to in that short amount of words. It's usually better to weave the description throughout the piece.

    I did thoroughly enjoy this chapter as an introduction. From the title and the brief conversation towards the end, I can assume that this story is going to be focused on those defects, and I thought that using this contrasting view of the "industry" (for lack of a better word) was a great tactic on your part.

    For the most part, the flow was spot-on, with the exception of a few parts that I found to be a bit awkwardly-worded.

    As far as constructive criticism goes, I only really have a couple suggestions, and they aren't really that ground-breaking as far as criticism goes. I have to admit that I didn't really feel anything for the characters involved, but of course, this is only the first chapter, so I don't see it as being a big deal right now, though I would keep it in mind. Also, I'm aware that this is science-fiction, but I still wasn't really drawn in, the tone just felt too hard and dry for me to really get absorbed into it fully. I understand that sci-fi is supposed to be sort of distanced, but I would, in the future, try to soften it up slightly, just so the reader won't be completely distanced from the story and the characters.

    Though your grammar was great, I did catch a couple small errors.

    Preferring to be referred to simply as Miss when dealing with business such as the business... - "Miss" should have quotations around it, but only in this sentence.

    "Well?" She prompted curtly... - "She" shouldn't be capitalized here. "Prompted" is still a dialogue tag, such as "said," so it's still the same sentence as the portion of dialogue.

    Twelve table occupied the space... - Tables.

    Their outfit took away all shape and figure... - It should be "their outfits."

    With a nod, she moved to the table at the very end of both the vertical and horizontal row, removing a small bundle rapped in a dark blue cover. - "Rapped" should be "wrapped." Just a small typo Word didn't catch.

    Though she had always been warned by both her parents and the endless commercial that government officials output over the years... - Commercials.

    Overall, I thought this was a very strong opening chapter. Though a bit of it felt a little monotonous, particularly the description of the room where she received the baby,I thought you did an excellent job of establishing this future world without making it all feel too forced. I also think that, from what I've read of this, you have a unique concept in mind, and I wish you luck as you continue on with this.
    Please review Degausser, preferrably more than one chapter since the chapters are relatively short.
    July 8th, 2011 at 10:04pm
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Layout/Summary

    First off, I love the use of size difference in your summary. It looked really neat. I wasn't a huge fan of the background, just because it didn't repeat itself smoothly but that's really just a small thing. The banner was really well-done as well. I'm going to mention now that I'm not sure who Logan Mitchell and James Diamond are or what fandom they are so I'm just going to be reading this as an original. :) The summary was very intriguing; it made me want to read your story. :) I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not sure what your title actually means, which did throw me off the slightest. But, nonetheless, moving on.

    Chapter 1.

    Once again, I love how you started your chapter with a sentence in a difference size, and I loved the quote itself; Paradise Lost, if I'm correct? It made me look forward to the chapter. I really loved those first three paragraphs or so; you did a great job at conveying the emotion James was feeling and your writing style was very good; you managed to get your point across without making things too flowery or absurd.

    One thing I like is that you include some detail about how the main character's look. This is particularly useful to me, since I don't know the fandom that this is based off of. I think that there could have been a bit more physical detail added in, particularly about James, but that's just a small issue. (: While on the topic of characters, I loved how real Kendall's reaction to the situation seemed. I know that, if someone told me that my friend had died, I wouldn't know what to do, other than sit down and cry for a bit. That just seemed very human, if that sounds right.

    This was definitely a good way to start off the story; it started the action immediately and it also set off enough questions to keep me interested. I also know now that the fandom is Big Time Rush / Supernatural, but I've never seen either show or heard BTR, so I'm still going to read it as an original.

    Chapter 2.

    ...his eyes falling onto the back of the one girl that had stood by him for four years as if somehow he could find the answers in the blue lint that clung to her white t-shirt. I loved the extra little detail in that line, of the blue lint on her shirt. That made it seem even more real; I could picture it perfectly.

    I don't really have much else to say about this chapter. I like how you talked about the different ways Kandi and Logan have of dealing with their grief but this chapter didn't seem to really do anything for me. I'm not saying that to be rude; you are definitely a good writer but I just didn't feel any emotional reaction to this chapter in particular.

    Chapter 3.

    Six hands were clasp into one another... I feel like that should be clasped instead of clasp. I may be wrong, however; the sentence sounds strange either way. =/

    Their was that familiar shimmer in his aged brown eyes... That should be their. Although I haven't finished the chapter, I really loved that you wrote the boys as holding hands. I think that makes their grief seem even more powerful, since they're literally clinging to each other for support. I'm not sure how I feel about that last line; although I liked the ominous tone it set up, it didn't seem to fit in with the overall tone of the story, although it is hard to explain why. I just feel like there may have been a more effective way to create that suspense without just saying that one line. I'm sorry if that's coming off as rude, by the way; I really don't mean to be. =/

    Chapter 4. / Conclusion.

    Overall, I think that this story is off to a good start. I like how you started out with such a huge event, to propel the action forward and give a good guiding point. Your writing is very good and, for the most part, there were not any mistakes that distracted me from the reading. I must admit, however, that I didn't really feel much as I read; although I did relate with how the characters dealt with their grief, there was just something missing. I know that's absolutely no help to you as an author but I thought I would mention it anyways. Although I probably wouldn't have read this on my own, I think that it is off to a good start and that the concept sounds neat. :)
    Run please. (:
    July 10th, 2011 at 01:43am