Story Review Thread

  • urnf

    urnf (100)

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    desilu.:
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    Okay, I like the layout but the photo . . . is that a wallet? And I love the summary (:, at first I did think of a demon but soon afterwards I thought of [as I read the couldn’t, wouldn’t, should] I thought of some type of lust and sexual activity . . .

    love me, love -> Love Me, Love Me.
    Maybe?

    So, the opener was like “what?” I personally think when you use “and” to start off a short story like that, it, to me, feels extremely incorrect. Because it sounds as if you’re trying to continue on with something where you left off, and it sounds weird just seeing it there . . .

    Loony bin sounds sarcastic and not as serious.

    But she wasn’t, it was there. She could see it, touch it, feel it writhe under her skin and devour her frame. Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity.

    I love that entire paragraph, the way you use the vocabulary and the way you use the words, you give what some other writer could write the same thing, and you give this more of an accurate and honest feel to it—almost like you make the reader in a way become the character.

    I love the way you write, it’s very enticing and you use words in this that I envy, because you use words I could never think of placing in one of my stories. And the way you use the words again, imagery—very descriptive and powerful imagery. But then . . . there are moments when it feels like an ongoing storm. Because you have so much of the imagery that it almost all runs together, there is no subtle pause.

    But then again, you need no pause because the way you right is lucid—it all flows together smoothly.

    Okay, I read on and I think maybe I miss a part but . . . wasn’t she in a mental institute and if she were, shouldn’t she have been in a straight jacket? Or is she thinking of memories . . . while resurfaces? And the demon is male . . . I shall read on before I make further judgment (:.

    Knew it! I knew it! So it’s an outer demon, and the thing she feels inside is rage?

    And what did she get? A fucking slut in her bed!
    That honestly does kill the flow I believe, I mean the question didn’t, but after it . . . it seemed to disrupt the flow ):

    Well, obviously, in order for me to get this I must go read the Devil’s Diary. But! Overall, I really did like it. There were parts where the flow sorta got lost, but always after those moments, the flow would pick up. Overall, I really liked it (:.
    Sided Lover.
    Please and thank you.
    July 9th, 2010 at 11:54pm
  • Icamane Hatake

    Icamane Hatake (250)

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    IcamaneHatake:
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    I read chapter one, just so you know ^^
    Layout: I really liked the layout. The banner was clean and well-done, and the background makes me giggle. Siding for "Sided Lover"... I love it XD
    The Story Itself:
    -I think you should at least hint at who Era is in the beginning. I just thought she was maybe a friend or something, but after finishing it, I think she's Camille's roommate or relative. It's confusing.

    -I love these lines: George was different, rough and demanding, he was like a weasel in a needle stack. George pricked Camille while Vinnie gave her tranquility. This discription was amazing, and it really summed up George's character. Win on characterization ^^

    -The whole scene between Without squirming and Tentatively . . . was rather confusing. You do a good job on describing their facial expressions, but I'm not sure what's going on. I THINK George is trying to kind of cuddle with Camille, but she doesn't want to, so she's trying to get away.

    -George was grinning now, it wasn’t his normal ‘I’m satisfied’ grin but it seemed more malicious and devious. I think this should either be "George was grinning now. It" or "grin, but" It's sort of awkwardly puncuated.

    -George has the keys and something else . . . something that was bad, very, very bad. What was the something else? Was it the gun? 'Cuz when he pulled it out later on, Camille acted really suprised.

    -“Get, go . . . um . . . I’ll do something . . . ah . . . wait!” I THINK that's Camille talking, but it could have been Vennie. But the gun shot scene needs work. I didn't understand at all that Vennie had been shot until they were at the hospital. I thought they just got shot at and Vennie got knicked. I caught that he got shot at least once, but later you say it was three times.

    -She didn’t know the temperature of his hands because hers felt colder. l really like this line. It's kind of like, "...oh fuck, is he dead or not?" Awesome suspense line :D

    -Practically turning and ripping the key out of the ignition ...wait, I thought George had her keys?

    -Asking this made Camille feel self-centered and greedy as she hooked onto him and helped Vinnie out of the car. I really like this line, because most characters would be ranting about the wounds or something, and she's focusing on how bad she feels because it's her fault.

    -Camille sauntered over to a chair I just don't feel like sauntered is a good word to use here. Sauntered makes me think of a snobby person walking around, trying to show off. I really doubt Camille would be acting snobby right now.

    -Gushing out a repressive sigh, Camille rose to her feet and walked out of the public restroom after a few minutes of stalling. lmfao This pun made me laugh, even if it wasn't intentional. And using gushing... haha, water gushes, she was gushing? Yeah, that's my lame joke... Shifty

    -Then one of the two police officers questions Vinnie’s father The police would have questioned Camille as well, the hospital staff would have told them who brought Vennie in.

    -This made Camille cry more, it wasn’t even crying, more like shouting and throwing her fists up at god as she wailed and held herself close on the floor. I really like the description of her misery and frustration.

    In All:
    I think you have amazing word choice and have really, really good characterization that's condensed into just a couple of lines. You're really good at showing and not telling, but sometimes I think you need to tone it down just a little so the reader can keep up and not get confused.
    I really liked how the story flowed, it was almost like a slightly blurry dream, which is I'm sure how Camille must have thought it. You do a good job of putting us in her shoes.
    That might be one of the longest reviews I've done XD I tried to give you good and bad, so I hope it helps.
    ~Icamane
    Could you please read through the first chapter of As The Sister of Harry Potter for me? That would be awesome :]
    July 10th, 2010 at 03:05am
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    I thought you summary was kind of weird, the writing was perfectly fine, but the style you chose to write it in looked off to me, it looked more like a poem than a summary. I’m not sure what you were going for, but maybe fix that were you actually have paragraphs and not stanzas.

    “Mummy?” the little girl asked softy, on the verge of tears. Lily Potter did not stir, and now her daughter broke down into almost hysterical sobs.” — I liked this line because it showed strength to me, and that this little girl is going to be such a strong character, smart and outgoing. I’m not sure how old she is yet, but I would think she would check on her little brother first and not the mother, but this too shows a strong connection that she truly loved her parents. I’m a fan of Harry Potter, I never read a book, but always loved the movies (way better than Twilight).

    I think you’re starting off on a good foot for sure, I loved how you incorporated the dialogue and it fits so perfectly I can hear the crisp sound of each their voices. I also liked the fact that you guided us through her life pretty easily and I thought that was wonderfully done. I felt her orphanage days went by a little fast, but I can see why that wouldn’t be as much important as when she goes to Hogwarts. I don’t read a lot of Harry Potter stories on mibba because I simply just don’t read a lot, nothing to do with the fandom, but this is lovely, m’dear.

    I’m glad you re wrote this though, you’re making my job a lot easier tehe I can’t find anything wrong (not that I’m looking) but everything flows, I think I’m not lost so far. I can’t wait when Jennifer finally meets her brother.

    “Jennifer Potter!" The hall went deadly silent and Jennifer felt every pair of eyes in the hall zero in on her echoing footsteps as she walked up to the hat, trying to look brave. She let it slip over her eyes when she set it on her head.” — This made it so easy to picture how she felt, every nervous bone in her body dancing, great just great diction. It’s like I’m watching the first Happy Potter movie all over again.

    I thought the ending set us up for a great story (as all first chaptered stories should do) but I personally think you delivered.

    ---

    Please read Kayleigh's Journal. Thank you.
    July 10th, 2010 at 06:21am
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

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    Layout and Summary: The layout is pretty and readable, though I personally don't like the design where the words are simply because I feel like there's too many designs, and it just looks crowded.

    Story

    “Oh! Dear Lord, son, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Evan deeply breathed as the old man smiled softly.
    This makes me confused, because is Evan or is the old man saying this?

    lingered over the window’s edge gazing at more people
    I think that there either should be a "while" or a comma before gazing to add a better flow.

    Everyone knew at one point things changed, friends disappeared and life didn’t stop for anyone, it was more tragic when that all happened at one time.
    The last comma I think should be a semi-colon.

    At Kayleigh’s reception, Evan felt he’d lost himself
    I think "even Evan felt" would sound better.

    Miller’s house as if searching for something,
    So far, everything's been past tense, so would it be "as if it searched for something"?

    The you go into a run-on sentence. I think after living room you should have a period.

    paused, while Mrs. Miller spoke to the crowd.
    Since you have while I don't think you need a comma.

    Her hands shook fighting against a cracked voice
    After shook a comma.

    And after battle a period, because it's another run-on.

    “Evan,” she called out, “is that you?” The boy stopped in his tracks and faced the troubled women.

    I think that it should either be "at her voice", or a new paragraph all together.

    “I’m sorry for your lost, ma’am.”
    Loss, but I do enjoy his accent.

    Tommy yelled walking closer to his used to be best friend
    Comma after yelled.

    Kayleigh’s brother punched him in the face
    Maybe "Kayleigh's brother interrupted, punching him in the face" because that would just show that he didn't give Evan time to finish, and sounds a tad better.

    slowly standing up coughing blood onto his shirt.
    A comma after up.

    Tommy deplored, as pain stitched his face.
    No comma.

    controlling her guest.
    guests.

    wiped his face with her handkerchief and whispered,
    While whispering would sound better since you have a lot of commas already.

    When he saw the journal on the tidily made bed, Evan felt safe for a moment and thought that if he waited a little longer, Kayleigh was going to walk through that door and jump in his arms.
    I really adore this part. It kind of just gets to you, and it really captures how he must feel.

    He breathed as he got from the bed
    He breathed in, out, heavily?

    and sat on the floor, while resting his head
    No comma.

    the girl he loved words
    This is a tad awkward. The words of the girl he loved?

    The shocked boy placed both his hands over his throbbing head,
    I dislike how you used broken-hearted boy, and then shocked boy. Maybe "with shock coursing through his veins" or something that shows he's shocked, but not actually saying "he's shocked".

    growing pains coming inside his skull, his world around him spun as objects began to lose pigment.
    Period instead of a comma.

    dark lit town as he shook looking around at his surroundings
    I don't get this.

    Concerned, she uttered.
    Uttered sounds awkward there.

    wiped his nose and looked at the essences of it
    That confused me, essences? The real meaning of his snot? And I think you should put a comma instead of an and.

    how great Kayleigh was looked,
    How great Kayleigh looked or was looking.

    Overall, I enjoyed this. They way that delivered his feelings, the guilt he felt over her death. I also like how he tried to convince the brother that it wasn't his fault, almost like he was trying to convince himself. It really makes me empathize for the boy. I could easily tell that he had really strong feelings for his friend, which you communicated really well.

    The ending made me a tad confused. Did he... die? Or something? I mean, the last two quotes really were heart-warming and it was a perfect happy ending, but... why could he see her? Did she not really die?

    That part really confused me. But other than that, wonderful job.
    Diabolus Lacuna, I'd appreciate it.
    July 10th, 2010 at 05:48pm
  • little motorkitty;

    little motorkitty; (630)

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    Layout/Summary:
    I like the image you used as the banner-type thing, it matches the feel of the summary and reminds me a bit of the notebook in Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets... also it reminds me a little bit of Death Note which is cool. It's a really good choice for the story, and the font you used for the title matches the writing on the notebook. I think that added a nice touch, so well done. Also the pattern for the main background is really pretty, it's kind of old-fashioned and classic looking, I really like it.
    The summary was really simple, but really set the tone for the whole thing. I really love short summary's that just give away a hint at what is going to happen, so yeah I liked it. Also, the repetition works really well and makes the last line of the four very powerful.

    Content:
    And they said she was insane; crazy: throw her into the asylum. - I loved the opening line. It was very captivating and really drew me in, showing this would be something interesting to read.

    But she wasn’t, - it might have just been me, but I think it would have read better in my opinion if it was 'but she wasn't crazy,' because for a moment I was confused as to what she wasn't. That might just be me though, so don't worry.

    Burrow into her scalp and consume the decay she had become. Slither into the cavities of her mind and gorge on her sanity. - I absolutely love the descriptions you use. They're just amazing, the words you use. I think they're perfect, so well done :D

    a crimson liquid staining her pale skin: her own crimson liquid. - the way you described everything in that section was amazing, but I would have loved it even more if you used a different description rather than 'crimson liquid'. It kinda makes me think of stuff like My Immortal, you know 'crying crimson tears of blood' etc. Again, that might just be me.

    She needed escape. She needed quiet. She needed the fiery blaze to stop. - Again, I love the repetition, it really makes the words powerful and it really adds depth to everything.

    She had given her heart to him, allowing him to tug on the strings attached at his every impulse. - I think this would have worked better if you hadn't gone so suddenly into talking about 'him' from talking about the diary. It disrupted the flow of the writing for me because it confused me slightly.

    I'm not entirely sure, but I think for the dialog it should be comma's you use at the end of a sentence instead of period's. Like, instead of "And I want his teeth to rot in his mouth.” The teeth that he always displayed in a breath-snatching smile." maybe "And I want his teeth to rot in his mouth,” the teeth that he always displayed in a breath-snatching smile."
    Also 'breath-snatching smile' sounds a little awkward to me.

    “I want his dick to fall off, I want him to force it down his throat and choke on it and die.” - I absolutely adored this line, it really made me laugh. But again, the flow felt a little off to me, I think it would have sounded better 'force it down his on throat', but that's just my opinion.

    she inhaled the stale ambience. - again, not too sure on this line.

    The ending was amazing, I loved it. The story had a good twist in it, without giving too much away. I loved it, it fit with the rest of the story completely. Overall I think this story is extremely well-written and very original, but some of it could do with some editing. But well done, it was really excellent.
    I'd love a good review of Chapter one & two of Dear Nobody please Cute

    EDIT: it's fine, don't worry about the time limit, I understand Cute
    July 10th, 2010 at 06:40pm
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    ^ I'm gonna go ahead and claim the story above me, even if the link isn't posted, just to be safe. Wink

    Oh, and Lavish Lies. Feel free to read all chapters, but I specifically need chapter four reviewed.

    Edit: My dad is forcing me to get off the computer because we're going to the gym, but I do promise to review whenever I return. It should only take an hour and a half or so, so assuming you don't post the story link like right this second, I should definitely be able to review it in the time limit. Maybe.. Thanks for understanding! I made sure to comment as soon as I got home. I even put this in front of my shower! xP Sorry for any inconvenience.

    Okay, here it is.
    Quote
    First off, I'd like to say that I really liked the idea of this story. I once read a book in which someone did something like this, and I loved it. It's refreshing to see another story like it.

    Layout: I do enjoy the banner, and the layout is simple enough that it doesn't give me a headache. The color scheme goes well together, too. Though I'm not a fan of the background and the 'story content' area being the same color, it really doesn't matter in the long run. It's readable, which is what I was looking for.

    Summary: Though it's not poetic like most summaries, it's well-written and it actually tells me what I'm going to be reading about. Most people don't bother with it, and you've got to actually read the story before finding out what it's about.

    Prologue: For one, I liked how you started out the chapter- the whole bit about Isobel staring at the picture of her family while she told them about being raped. Though I think the dialogue could use a bit of work, over all I thought the scene was nicely put together. I suggest going back through and reading the dialogue aloud to yourself, to see if it sounds right coming out of your mouth and feels like something you'd say. (Side note: The only grammatical errors I managed to find were ones where you didn't put a comma before someone's name. Example: What did you say (insert comma here) Isobel? It can be easily fixed, and of course it doesn't matter all that much.) Oh, and favorite line: I collapsed on the floor like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

    Chapter One: I'd like to comment that the rumors going around the school are a nice touch: it's true that everything can get blown out of proportion. It's also a nice bit about how suddenly everyone decided that Isobel had told them a major lie. It seems like something high school students would come up with, those kinds of stories, just so they have something to talk about when the topic comes up. So good job on realism there. I thought the letter could have been worded differently in some parts to sound better, but it was generally pretty good.
    (Oh, and i corrected this sentence for you. Corrects are in ()s: In my bleakest of moments(,) I almost wished that the last rumor(s) were true(.) Anywhere would be like heaven(,) as long as I was away from the people around me.)

    All in all, though it could use some work with dialogue, I believe you've got a good story on your hands. Though you're lacking a bit on comma usage, I failed to find any other grammatical errors or misspellings. Like I said, I would start reading the dialogue aloud, as to see if it sounds realistic or not.
    July 10th, 2010 at 06:45pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    Audrey T.:
    Reviewing Chapter 4 for Story Review Game:

    Initially, I was just going to read chapter four and review it, but after reading the first few paragraphs I see that it probably wouldn’t work out well if I did. There’s so much of a certain kind of description in within the first two paragraphs, I think It’ll be important for me to read the rest of the story and see if that’s just your writing style or if there’s something special going on there that I should be paying attention to. So I’ll be reading the whole thing.

    Though I’m usually not a fan of decadent description, I really liked this piece because of the kind of description you used. I liked the sort of laid back feel of it. How you took into detail not just what he was wearing but how he wore it as well. I think it did a great job to reflect the kind of person Drew is without drawing on clichés.

    Reading the second paragraph and the description of Riley’s vanity desk was also interesting. Again, you don’t draw too much on physical description, but you tell us about the history of things, which I loved. Reading about the vanity that belonged to Riley’s grandmother made me think. I started to wonder if it had any significance to the story other than just something in the room. It made me want to read more and find out if there was something special about this piece of furniture that would make you decide to go into more detail about it.

    Getting to the description on Riley’s appearance and her view of herself, I did feel like I was sinking into a story that might become a cliché, though I can see that you tried to make it seem like that wasn’t the case. Just the thought of Riley being especially pretty – which was the feeling I got – and having her not feel that way…it was something that made me think twice about reading on.

    Yes, she was pretty, but she wanted to be something more. What it was, she didn't know.

    When I read this line, I hoped you would have gone more into that. On its own, it seems more like a line put in there just to steer clear of having a Mary-Sue character. And the fact that you didn’t elaborate on it confuses me a bit, but maybe you’ll go into it later? I hope you do. I just don’t go for the Bell-Syndrome kind of stories either - “She’s a pretty girl, but there’s more.” If there’s more to her, I’d rather be shown than told.

    She claimed to hate it, though that was far was from the truth- she actually liked the song, a lot. She liked most country music in general, but she was too ashamed to admit it. She'd always thought of herself as better than the hick town she lived in, with the hick music and rednecks and all the rolling hills of nothing.

    I think this is probably the best bit of characterization on Riley in this chapter. It’s…a bit snobby, the way she perceives herself in comparison to her town, but it’s real, and I loved that. I like that she’s trying so hard to distance herself, in a way, from everyone else by hating a song that’s popular. It’s superficial, of course, but it’s something that’s a great reflection of people in real life; that idea that to not fall into the trap of your surrounding you have to force yourself to hate it and really assert how different you are.

    Riley lied, finding it easier than the truth. That was almost always the reason she got started lying, but she always got so caught up in the rush of it, she went on.

    This is really your strong suit, making and expressing observations of things you see in real life. Again, this is just something that strikes me as boldly honest. That sometimes it’s simply easier to tell a lie than explain the truth. Kind of like when someone asks “How are you?” and the automatic response is, “I’m fine,” because no matter how you really feel, that’s just the easiest answer to give. I love that you’re picking up on the things that are just human nature and exposing them.

    At the end, I though the chapter was too short. Not simply the word-count, but it felt like the next chapter would have been better as part of this chapter, so that it would be once completed thought/scene. Since you’re describing “the date” I would have liked it see it through completion.

    In all, I think it’s a really nice piece. Like I said before, I love your way of description (which is usually right on point). The only issue I would have is that you bring up some things that I find really interesting but then you just drop it, rather than expanding on it and giving us some more insight.
    Any story you want is fine. Nyam
    July 10th, 2010 at 07:05pm
  • urnf

    urnf (100)

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    She stood at the tree, back pressed against its rough trunk. Breath coming in small gasp, chest heaving, eyes frantic, and fingers trembling. Drenched and weighted with water, hair clinging to her face, dripping against bogged down clothes. Jeans torn and stained with mud, shirt streaming runny red. Arms exposed, cut and bleeding, and shaking under the weight of an outstretch sword.
    There were at least two errors, I believe “outstretch” should have an “ed” at the end of it, and “breath coming in small gasp” . . . that puts me in a mindfuck, like my mind stutters trying to resolve and work around that structure.

    The summary is a bit too descriptive for my taste, like your jumbling everything descriptive in all at once—you don’t give the reader time to really absorb the information given. Maybe if you broke it up and didn’t clog the imagery as much. Because it’s too much, for me, to really take in.

    Fool’s Woods is what we’d always called this place.
    Perhaps make “called”, “call”.

    he’d never seen it, but it was noteworthy blimp along our property map.
    He’s never seen it, but it was a noteworthy blimp along our property map.

    As kids, we thought it’d be the perfect place to hide bodies; zombies and ghosts frequently haunted our dreams.
    I really liked that sentence, because I can imagine two kids just wandering through the wood’s, with a limp body. Even if it wasn’t strong imagery, it gave a very powerful vision.

    So . . . the Chow is named Bear? Cause I thought of an actual Bear (:shock:).

    He’d spend hours some days seemingly guarding that entrance, just sitting in its open path, leering into the untouched land. We were never certain if he was keeping us out or it in.
    I do like your writing quite a lot, because it’s simple imagery when you want it to be. But the simplicity of it sends an easy flow of visions to a readers mine. I like how you talk about Bear, give him this superior guard dog appearance . . . I like it.

    and our cousins when they’d sleep over,
    I feel like that’s an unimportant phrase to tack into a paragraph. But as I read on, it made more sense.

    Dogs have stronger senses than people, so he obviously knows something.

    When she were ten,
    I thought of a Texas [XD], Anywho, I feel like it would make more sense it “were” was replaced with “was”.

    I loved the last paragraph, I feel some type of sympathy and I do not know why. But the ending of that chapter had felt like it had a powerful meaning, it was more powerful than the others before it.

    Overall, I liked the simple imagery and how you phrased everything. Then again there were parts where the flow had been disrupted by some phrases that threw me off-guard. But I liked this a lot (:
    Sided Lover.
    Please and thank you.
    July 11th, 2010 at 01:02am
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    I thought the banner, summary and the story title were really beautiful. I got the feeling of a high school or summer romance, revolving around a girl who steels both their hearts away, but something happens. I don’t know what it is, but I love stories where a girl is stuck in between two guys and has to choose which one she really likes. So, with that in mind, I’m going to review this and see if anything I was thinking was correct or not.

    Camille sat between two young men, George and Vinnie.

    I’m guessing these are going to be the main characters of the story, and the way you’ve introduced them was somewhat bitter sweet. I felt I was reading a bunch of names that had no meaning, but of course that wasn’t the point, but I’ve done this before and it worked out.

    Without squirming or making a noise, Camille moved George’s arm away as she tried to resist her urge to look at Era and study her facial features.

    Era and Camille are such good friends, they seemed like the same person at times to me. I liked how you written this, it was interesting because we got to see what each character was thinking and sometimes that’s a hard thing to do and keep up with, but it takes work. From the beginning to where I stopped to write this comment, there’s so much mental emotion going on about this special trio that I don’t even think they know it.

    George pricked Camille while Vinnie gave her tranquility.

    I liked this line because it showed just from this small sentence how different the two boys in Camille’s life were, but they both equaled her out and made her the person she truly is. I see their relationship as very close, but controllable to certain points. As I continued reading, I felt that I missed something between Era and George, she must like him and Camille probably knows, but whatever the reason the tension is there.

    That touch felt amazing to both of them suddenly, the chemistry had fused together but this couldn’t be a time of distraction and cheating.

    This sentence stood out to me, and I liked how you made it do so by emphasizing that George or Vinnie (I’m not sure, but I thought it was Vinnie) and Camille were not ashamed about their actions. But at first I didn’t get that at all, I wasn’t sure with who was dating who. That bit confused me a little.

    By the time I got to Camille shooting Vinnie, I was very lost. It seemed like George and Era were out of the picture for too long when in the beginning of the story they were talked about a lot and I just wasn’t up to par with what was happening. Camille jumpstarting the car was kind of a burner for me because of how fast it happened, it lost that sense of realism. I couldn't even tell if her shooting Vinnie was even a accident, but how she reacted to get him help that told me otherwise.

    Then she’s fuming with anger now as she mentally asked herself questions, like: why did George have a shotgun? How did Era know and tell George? How did this all happen? Why did everyone else at the fucking beach have to go home early?

    After I read this paragraph, I immediately read the beginning again, to see if I missed something before and I read Era’s part again and I understood a little more. Era seemed like a sweet girl, but I realized this is just the first chapter and there’s always a reason to why people do the things they do. So, George shot Vinnie, I’m still unclear why, but I think Camille was the reason why.

    Okay, so the “trio” are all friends. Camille and George are dating, but Camille likes Vinnie, which is George’s best friend?

    Back home to sleep in her backseat, at the side of the road, since she had no home.

    I wasn’t expecting that at all, very sad situation to be in for her. I can’t help but feel sorry for Camille because, one she’s homeless now living on the street and two, she won’t tell the police the truth, and I hope she changed her mind. Overall, I thought this was an interesting piece, the writing style was a little different for me, I believe it’s called third person omniscient point of view and I’ve actually done a story like this and things can get confusing after awhile, but I thought you handled it well to say the least. There were times where some sentences were not clear enough for me and I had to reread. The line breaks were different and at times they added great flow, but others it seemed disruptive.

    I thought Camille was a strong and emotional character. I can tell there had been a lot of pain in her life because she kept referencing praying and God, and I really liked that. It showed strength and vulnerability at the same time.

    ---

    Please read Kayleigh's Journal. Thank you.
    July 11th, 2010 at 01:05am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    First off, I apologize for taking a bit too long to do this. My dog wouldn't stfu and then I realized he hadn't had dinner so I had to go feed him and then take him for a walk, bla bla bla. but here I am. And now I shall review.

    Layout
    I like it. It's simple, and readable. Which is really, all I want. The picture you've used in the chapter isn't stretched out and gross, and it looks nicely done.

    Summary
    Oh, I'm entered in that contest too! What movie are you doing? I'm doing V for Vendetta. :)....moving on.

    Captivating summary. It's not a huge ass story, that basically tells the entire thing for you. It's leaves you wondering and wanting more. Goooood deal.

    Story
    In the first paragraph[or second since the first one is really just a sentence] I noticed a tiny mistake. I think Kayleigh’s mother going I believe you need to add an is between mother and going or just put "Kayleigh's mother's going"

    Evan stood up from the couch and lingered over the window’s edge, while gazing at more people entering into a house that was filled with broken hearts and mournful faces. Everyone knew at one point things changed, friends disappeared and life didn’t stop for anyone, it was more tragic when that all happened at one time. At Kayleigh’s reception, even Evan felt he’d lost himself in a place he visited a million times before. I have no idea but for some reason I keep feeling like this is going to be sixth sense when the mom poisons her daughter because she needs someone to take care of? No idea why, but that's just the vibe I keep getting. I'm probably totally wrong, but the funeral and what not just put that in my head.

    By the way love the imagery you've put there with the 'broken hearts and mournful faces'.

    Mrs. Miller's face was slightly covered by a black veil, I have never understood why people do this. Seriously, it baffles me. I get that it's a sign of mourning but I think it just looks stupid.

    !” Their embracement neutralized as the comma after neutralized

    “You’re the reason…you’re the reason she killed herself, Evan!” Tommy yelled, walking closer to his used to be best friend. Op, I was wrong. That's intense. Why? What the eff did Evan do?

    , when you’d said you’ll be back for me. it should actually be when you said you'd be back for me

    remains on his hhand and swallowed,get rid of the extra h

    ...No idea what just happened to be honest. He read the book and then...died? Or hallucinated? Maybe I should know what movie this is and see it to understand it. But really, I do like it. Aside from what I don't understand. It was very well written, and the emotion was there. Instead of just telling what was happening you showed it and made me feel it which is super duper.

    Sooo yes, great ness is this piece. I hope this was good?
    Any with less than twenty comments.
    July 11th, 2010 at 02:38am
  • i asked alice.

    i asked alice. (100)

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    Alright, hopefully this will be the 20th comment on this piece, because I'm leaving this open while I go eat dinner. Also, Mibba's flipping shit and loading slowly. >__<

    Layout
    Very artistic, simple, and still readable; really conveys the theme of this.

    Summary
    Makes the reader wonder exactly what the world inside a snowflake is. Intriguing and encourages them to click the link to the writing itself.

    Story
    The title Reaching for White makes me think of a person's bipolar disorder -- it's commonly referenced in literature as white and blue moods.

    Audra stepped onto the cement patio, the bitter wind scraping past her bare arms. She shuddered as her hair was whipped furiously around her plump cheeks, and smiled. The cold was something she could live without, but the snow, the snow was something else. It had coated the dirt road in front of her home and danced along the barks of the sycamore trees decorating her front and back yard. She laughed, turning to go back to the house so she could shove her feet haphazardly into a pair of fur boots. I like the way you use pairs of adjectives to describe things. It all fits together nicely and enhances the flow of your writing. I did notice what may be a typo - should 'barks' of trees just be 'bark'?

    Audra was hardly free. If one were to look close enough they would see the dark patches all along her upper arms, and throat. They would see the torn skin just below her lower lip, and her swollen left eye. They would see that Audra was in fact not perfect; she was certainly not free. I really like this segment because it leaves me wondering how she sustained those injuries; I'm inferring some kind of abuse. Very nice imagery.

    I think it's really creepy that she died in the snow and then, was run over by a bunch of cars. But it's a good kind of creepy.

    Awesome job. I love all of your work! :)

    ---

    Retch, please.
    July 11th, 2010 at 03:24am
  • kili the dwarf

    kili the dwarf (300)

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    Summary, Layout, Title:

    -The summary is very short, sweet, and simple. I really like that quote and it fits well seeing that it's about a girl with bulemia. However, if the story is going to be a longer chapted, then you might want to add just a little bit more too it.

    -I like the layout, but I think that maybe you should change the font color to something a little brighter, but that's just my personal preference. Also the banner is really good, simple and yet creative.

    -Great title for a story about an eating disorder.

    Chapter One

    Truth is hard to come by in the world of self-destruction. - I have never thought of it that way, but now that I think about it that is very true.

    Food is the enemy, and that voice inside my head is the sword to slay it. - Excellent metaphor useage here.

    let my ribs show until I can touch the bones one by one, counting them like beads on an abacus. - loved this line, very powerful and paints an image in my head of a girl counting her bones, which is somewhat chilling.

    I enjoyed the first chapter, it was very short, but it got the point across wonderfully.

    Chapter Two

    the muggy heat of a dying summer still swirling in the air. - great description

    I liked how she was talking about school and junk food. That seemed very realistic to me, because I think a lot of teenager feel that way.

    The first homework assignment of the year: Describe yourself in one sentence. - You know, I've actually had that as homework assignment before. Suprisingly...it's not that easy. Just as the character of the story goes on to notice.

    The second chapter was nice, I liked it. It would have been nice to have a little character intereactions, but aside from that it was great. The story seems to be moving at a steady pace and even though there isn't like heavy lines of description and huge words, it's brilliant. It was actually real nice to read something that was simple and yet, powerful.

    You're doing really good, keep it up!
    =)
    If This Is Africa or Thieves of Persia, please and thank you.
    July 11th, 2010 at 04:15pm
  • Kurtni

    Kurtni (10125)

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    Just a note, if you guys still review people who gave bad reviews, we can't do anything to help this thread. The only way they will be punished is if you skip their review and rereview the person who received the bad review. Don't review someone, and report their post too. If someone leaves a list of spelling errors only, skip them. If they don't talk about five separate things, skip them.
    July 11th, 2010 at 06:22pm
  • Annelise.

    Annelise. (100)

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    Summary, Layout, Title:

    I’m honestly not sure how I feel about the title. I don’t feel like it’s extremely eye-catching by any means, but at the same time, I like it. It’s simple, and most importantly, different. When I click on the story and get to the summary, I’m automatically wondering what Africa has to do with the story, but I’m assuming it’s where the boyfriend is going. Keep with me on this, I’m judging things as I read them, so I’m letting you know what my initial reactions are before even reading your story to give you an idea of what people who haven’t read your story think. Anyways, I do like your summary. It’s simple, without giving too much away. It honestly intrigues me, and I can’t help but think, “Please say this won’t be the exact plot of New Moon but in a non-vampire-y way.” Anyways, from the summary alone I have a feeling this will be the kind of story every girl can relate to – losing their first love, especially those girls who find love with older guys. As of what I’ve read right now, if I had randomly clicked on your story, I would keep on to the first chapter.

    Now that I’m onto the first chapter, I really like your layout, and I think you did a fantastic job with it. I love the colours, and I really like how the pictures down the side relate to your story summary, and the title. I can read the font well, and it’s colours work together perfectly. I don’t have to strain my eyes to read like I occasionally have to with some people’s stories. The only slight drawback I have gotten from clicking onto your first chapter is how short it is – but then again, even if I wasn’t just reviewing your story, I would read on. Some of the best stories I’ve read before have had short chapters. Sometimes short is sweet.

    Chapter One:

    I like the amount of detail you give. I can envision in my mind exactly what is going on in the setting vividly. I also like how you accounted for potential time differences between whatever country Jasmine is supposed to be in and Africa; although this could just be a coincidence that you made her pick up the phone at 4:30 am. I like how the nurse’s name is not a typical American name. I kind of wish that you would have put a little more detail onto how Jasmine reacted to the news about Elliot, for I feel like you rushed that bit just a little bit. However, I liked the first chapter. It was short, sweet, and drew the reader in to be interested in what has happened that led up to it, and what’s going to happen now. Your spelling and grammar seem to be perfect, so I appreciate that. I’m looking forward to reading the second chapter.

    Chapter Two:

    I’m immediately pleased that the chapter is longer. This chapter seems to be the perfect length for my attention span when reading stories on the Internet. I like how you went back in dates, for I’ve always liked that when reading real books: when an author puts a major part of the plot in the first chapter, and then tells of how it leads up to it.

    As I read your second chapter, I am heavily reminded of the author Nicholas Sparks. In my opinion, you have a very similar writing style, and I mean that as a good thing, considering he is a romance novelist.

    Anyways, it made me laugh when the accident that Jasmine and Luke had caused her to have to cancel on Elliot. It seems very realistic of what would happen in real life, and I also like the fact that she had turned down Luke’s shirt, for really, no matter how good looking a guy, unless it was an emergency, who would accept a shirt from someone they don’t know? I really like how you have Luke and Jasmine going slow at it. They didn’t meet each other and go gaga immediately. Obviously she’s interested immediately, that’s very realistic. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapter.

    Chapter 3:

    I really like the relationship that Elliot and Jasmine share. I feel as if it’s almost a mutual understanding that Elliot likes Jasmine, but he knows it won’t go anywhere (although he hopes), so he just keeps a close bond. I like how she doesn’t automatically hate him just because he has a crush on her. Even though this is only the second chapter Elliot is in, I like him already. He’s endearing. Oh, actually, apparently she does have a crush on Elliot – whoops, got the wrong impression from the last chapter. Ah well. Still, I like the relationship that they have. It’s a bit sad to have to see Elliot go. Really, I like the way all the characters interact, I feel as if you have that very down pat, as if they’re real people. It makes the entire story relatable.

    I just wanted to make the quick comment that you wrote that Luke took his ‘glass’ off of his face instead of ‘glasses.’

    Once again, I’m rather surprised that the characters didn’t automatically fall in love. It’s not like I’m opposed to stories where characters like each other right away, but this is still nice. Again, I know I sound like a broken record, but it makes the story believable that he didn’t just walk into her life and make all of her problems go away and she forgets about every boy she knew before. I think it’s going to be very interesting to see how their relationship progresses. I think I’m going to subscribe to the story, as I did actually enjoy it, and I’m curious to see how it goes on.

    Overall, there are times where I’m apparently getting the wrong impressions on characters, but the story in general is very good, and the description is excellent. I’m most impressed on the characters themselves, and how you’re making them grow, and how you’ve developed their personalities. Excellent work!
    My stories for possible review (all Harry Potter fanfiction):
    Either Marauders, Mischief and Mudbloods (PG13), Enemies with Benefits (NC17) or Broken Mirror (NC17)
    July 12th, 2010 at 06:44am
  • Crookshanks

    Crookshanks (650)

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    Your summary does an excellent job of drawing people in without giving too much away. I'm kind of confused by the title, but I'm assuming that the broken mirror aspect will play in sometime later in the story. I was originally only going to review the first chapter, but I got sucked into the story, and the chapters are relatively short, so I'll do all three.

    Chapter One
    I liked how you started off with Remus kind of spying on Sirius with that girl; it hints that their relationship might be a bit more complicated than that of usual best friends. I get the feeling that Remus is a bit jealous, and he doesn't want to admit it so he keeps watching to try and make himself okay with the situation. Sirius's actions are a bit unusual as well--most boys would probably just go to bed and brag to their friends in the morning, but instead he checks to see if Remus is awake like he suspected, almost as if he's trying to torture him into saying how he feels about the situation.

    I also like how you described Remus's feelings--like how he feels isolated and sometimes forgotten even though he's got friends---without making him seem emo or whiny. He just kind of deals with it.

    The sudden jump to Sirius talking was a bit unexpected. There wasn't any transition to the scene. Maybe it was implied after Remus discovered his friends had left him, but I would have liked to have seen an indication as to where he was going prior to Sirius's line.

    The conversation between the characters is just perfect--I could picture them acting exactly like that.

    Chapter Two
    I found it funny that Remus was going to all this trouble to act normal, and yet Lily picks up on the weirdness between him and Sirius.

    I love how you described Remus's reaction to Sirius touching him, how he's simultaneously freaking out and enjoying it and wondering if it's a dream. Also...that was a hot kiss. I liked the contrast between Remus's surprise and Sirius's experience.

    Chapter Three

    This chapter is heartbreaking. It's so sweet at the beginning with Remus finding solace in the kiss, and then I can't help but feel for Remus when they're interrupted. I found it odd that Sirius would be so upset by someone seeing them, when he was the one who initiated the kiss in the first place.

    It's hard not to hate him. What he's doing isn't fair--kissing Remus one minute, acting disgusted the next, then staring at him while he changes. It's almost like a nod to his behavior in the first chapter--it seems like he enjoys torturing Remus. Especially when he accuses Remus of not paying attention to his werewolf senses. I would kill to know what's happening inside of Sirius's head--if he's truly angry, or if he's just terrified by his feelings and acting like a dickwad to cover it up.

    Now I get the feeling that the title might have something to do with the 'broken' aspect of their obviously unhealthy relationship. This chapter seems to me like a bit of foreshadowing for their interactions; I feel like Remus is going to end up forgiving Sirius because he likes him so much and then the same thing will happen again.

    In general, this story is very well-written. I don't think I spotted any grammar mistakes. Your descriptions are sufficient without being long-winded, and I think this is a great start to what will surely be an extremely entertaining story.
    Either To The Death (Avenged Sevenfold fanfiction) or The Benjamin Tapes.
    July 12th, 2010 at 04:08pm
  • Annelise.

    Annelise. (100)

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    I absolutely love the title, and I can’t explain what about it I find so intriguing. Maybe because it’s simply different than most story titles out there, I’m not sure. I just really enjoy the title. Anyways, on to the summary. The summary really pulls me in more than anything else. It’s a very different plot than most stories on Mibba, and from here it seems like a girl’s personal life struggles mixed in with the stress of the town’s troubles. I’m really excited to read this story. The layout is also really nice, not overdone, and the story is easy enough to read, which is perfect. All I can think about going into the story is what’s on the tapes, and how they’re going to affect her. Your summary definitely did not give too much away, and isn’t too vague either. I’m actually rather disappointed that you only have one chapter posted.

    Chapter One:

    I’m instantly in love with your first paragraph, particularly the sentence “it just swerves out of control and makes fast friends with a nearby ditch.” I just happened to find that funny. I already like the fact that the ghosts are nothing new to her – they’re merely a part of her everyday life, and as of yet, they’re more of a nuisance than anything, as far as I’m aware. It’s almost like they’re just troubled kids trying to annoy everyone in town. I also like the fact that she lives in a small town, for I can imagine that coming into play later on. A lot of stories are written in extremely big towns such as New York City or something, so this is a little change of pace. Despite the fact it’s a small town, it also doesn’t seem like it will be boring in the least.

    Also, so far, I’m really enjoying the character of Abe. In the summary, I thought Abe was a boy, but I’m clearly mistaken. I like the fact that despite the fact she’s covered in piercings and has blue hair, she’s actually funny and eccentric.

    What really makes me laugh are the cats. I find it extremely amusing how they’re named after celebrities, and the way they talk about them is amusing. “I was worried you’d found Tom Cruise.”

    I find the whole story extremely hilarious, and I’m DEFINITELY subscribing to it. The part where they’re singing the Titanic theme song made me literally laugh out. I love all of your characters, and how they’re all 3 dimensional. I’m not too crazy about how it’s written in present-tense, but that’s just a preference of my own. I think it’s an extremely good story, and I don’t really have anything negative to say about it. Great job! Can’t wait to read more!
    Stories to be reviewed (pick one ;D ) :
    Marauders, Mischief and Mudbloods (PG13), Enemies with Benfits (NC17) or Broken Mirror (NC17)
    July 13th, 2010 at 12:56am
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    Layout & Summary

    I think your layout for this story is really nice. It has a simple elegance about it, and the dusty browns sort of support the sensual theme of the story. The only suggestion I would make concerning the layout would be to maybe darker the title font a smidgen, it kind of blends into the background. Overall, the layout's readable and suits the tone of the story perfectly =)

    As far as the summary goes, it's a nice one. It gives a little background information without giving the entire story away, and, although not a HP fan, it definitely pulled me in. There are only a few awkward or confusing wordings that I would suggest you think about.

    It was no love, but just simply pure lust - The comma in this sentence is not needed, and in my opinion, it would read more naturally if the "no love" was changed to "not love."

    Obvious enemies to everyone around, but everything but between the sheets. - The second half of this sentence reads a little awkwardly to me, and I think it's because of the repetition of "but." I would suggest trying to switch that around.

    In their lives, will they be able to keep this shocking secret private, and will they be able to keep this simply enemies with benefits? - I'm not really a fan of questions in summaries for some reason, but that's just personal preference. I copied and pasted this line because the comma after "lives" is not needed. It just totally throws off the flow and isn't necessary grammatically.

    Chapter One

    First off, I love how you describe every single movement and reaction so effortlessly. It doesn't seem awkward or out of place at all. The conversation at the Slytherin table flowed naturally and didn't seem forced; you obviously have a way with dialogue.

    I also liked how you worked in all of the different thoughts, views, and judgements concerning Ginny. It felt very high-schoolish, but of course, that's what you want in a story like this. Everyone seems to have these different ideas of her, but only Draco knows the real Ginny because of his intimacy with her.

    And I have to give you props on the sex scene. It was hot, but it wasn't so entirely filthy that I felt like I needed to take a shower after reading XD And that's always a good thing.

    I'm usually not a huge fan of the whole "forbidden love" idea, but this hooks me in because it isn't forbidden love...more like forbidden lust, and that's a lot more believeable to me.

    I did find a few grammatical slips and a few awkward wordings that I would suggest be tweaked.

    Longbottom and Lovegood sped past me in a way I could tell they were on a mission to console her. - First reading, I got a little lost on this line. I actually had to reread the line a couple times to get what you meant. I feel like it could be a lot clearer if you worded it "in such a way that." It's just a small difference, but it makes it that much more clear.

    Longbottom even managed a look of hatred as he passed. - This line was a little fuzzy as well. I think it would flow better if you said something along the lines of "even managed to muster," but it's all just personal preference.

    but little did any of my Housemates know that I was doing exactly that, and had been since the summer. - You don't need the comma in this segment. You only need a comma before "and" or "but" if there are independent clauses on each side of the word. Because "had been since the summer" can't stand on its own, the comma is incorrect.

    Goyle laughed, but added nothing to the conversation. - You don't need the comma in this sentence for the same reason I stated above.

    with the three I was sitting with before excusing myself and left the Great Hall. - I think it should be "leaving the Great Hall."

    I heard a door to my right open, and a hand grasp my wrist. - The way the last part of the sentence is worded, it isn't correct. If you changed it to either "and I felt a hand grasp my wrist" or "a hand grasped my wrist," it would be fine.

    with a couple buttons unbuttoned, and her sleeves rolled up and her tie loose. - Nit-picky, but I don't really like the double "and" s here. I think it would sound much better if you just wrote "...unbuttoned,her sleeves rolled up, and her tie loose."

    She grabbed my tie and pulled me close and pressed her lips heavily against mine. - I don't really like all of the "and"s in this sentence either.

    Overall, this was a really interesting story. I think you've pulled it off wonderfully =) I'm sorry for not reviewing the other two chapters, but I don't really have time at the moment.
    Please review one of the last wo chapters of Take Me to Infinity. I'd prefer to have chapter five reviewed, but if you have the time, I'd like a review for chapter six as well. Thanks!
    July 13th, 2010 at 02:49am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    New banner. I like the blending on the right side, but not the left side. It just looks too...meh.

    Chapter Five
    She just didn’t feel the sparks. lmfao, I love how you manage to incorporate your username in this.

    one, then the cycle would start all over. and then the cycle

    Autum didn’t normally drink beer, she thought it tasted like piss, but she felt ME TOO! I hate beer! It smells and tastes like urine. I like Autum now, she's my new best friend.

    The gash in his arm. I don't understand how you can get that from surfing? Unless a shark bit you or something. It's water and a surfboard, I know the surfboards are hard and can give you pretty bad bruises. But a huge cut? That seems a bit unrealistic to me.

    He didn’t seem phased though. I could be wrong but I just feel like this should be fazed instead of phased.

    Kandi's drunken fight makes me laugh. That sounds like something I would totally do. But if the girl could kick her in the stomach she must be a giant. Did Kandi somehow get on the ground?

    Autum sighed, so much for the two friends they semicolon after sighed

    . Love and lust are the same thing to me.” is instead of are

    Oh my god Kandi, shut no comma after Kandi.

    Overall, I loved the chapter. It was funny, and eventful. Autum is starting to warm up to James which makes me go ::yay: I love Kandi, she's hilarious. And obviously, the boys are just...well boys. I don't really like reading fictions about band members/singers whatever, but this of course is the exception. Mainly, because it's you. XD

    If you don't mind, and still want the next chapter reviewed I'll do it in the morning, I just am about to pass out.
    Any under twenty comments.
    July 13th, 2010 at 05:09am
  • Billie Joe Armstrong

    Billie Joe Armstrong (200)

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    STORY REVIEW GAME

    I chose Man In A Mask because I just love V For Vendetta and have never seen a fanfic based on it.

    Title: I love it. It's simple and fits perfectly with your subject.

    Layout: Simple. Love the banner and it's easily legible.

    Summary: There really isn't one which is quite a shame. How can someone who hasn't read the graphic novel or seen the movie really be interested in it?

    Story:

    "Thick crystalline tears slid down"
    I think a comma belongs after 'thick'. Other than that, the first sentence is lovely. Good description.

    A single tear crept from the bridge of her nose onto his plastic face.
    I really love this sentence. It just stood out to me.

    "Slowly, she backed up staring at his body the dynamite wrapped around his torso"

    A comma after 'body'.

    "To touch his skin, and to kiss his lips. "

    With the 'and' there there's really no need for the comma.

    The last two paragraphs and that last sentence were perfect. I just love it. No errors, good imagery.

    I really liked this piece. It had a good tone and great imagery and description. It was short but I think you highlighted on everything that happened in the scene you chose to write. I had the scene playing perfectly in my head as I read it.

    You did have a small amount of grammatical errors so just a simple read through the piece next time would be a good idea. Or finding a beta, I sometimes don't catch my own mistakes no matter how many times I read it.

    All together I think you've got a lovely writing style and this was really great. A very good fic for the subject you chose and it's gotten me curious to read more V fic.
    Either my new one-shot, Polly [song fic based off the Nirvana song of the same name] or Chapter 2 of Snapshots of a Marriage (you don't have to read chapter one.) [Billie Joe/Adrienne fanfic with the main focus on their marriage. No need to be a fan of Green Day to understand it]
    July 13th, 2010 at 05:35pm
  • Annelise.

    Annelise. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Canada
    Claimed ^ Done.
    Quote
    Title, Summary, Layout:

    To be honest, the title doesn’t really grab me. It’s not exactly boring, but still, not really attention-grabbing either. Regardless, it would certainly be enough for me to look at the shortened summary. I can understand the use of the title, though. The one thing I have to comment on, however, is that I’m happy that the title isn’t something along the lines of “Polly Gets Raped” or something equally obvious, do you know what I mean?

    Anyways, I absolutely love the layout; it’s beautiful. Probably helps that my favourite colour is purple! The banner you used for it is absolutely eerie, but at the same time, completely suiting. I like how you included the lyrics of the song that inspired you. The words are very easy to read, which shows that the layout is perfect. I like how you used the font ‘Georgia,’ as it is my favourite for stories!

    Chapter One (Well, the only chapter of the story…):

    Within the first three paragraphs, I’m already completely intrigued. The detail is phenomenal, and I can imagine the scene perfectly in my brain. When I clicked to see how many comments you had, I’m not surprised to see how many you have already gotten. Not the point. Anyways, I sort of like how the kidnapper feels remorse. It’s almost as if I almost feel sympathy for him. It’s like he was so lonely he had to go to desperate measures in order to have some company. It’s the impression I get from the first few paragraphs, at least. I’m sure by the end I won’t be quite as sympathetic.

    After the first paragraph, I read it all the way through because it sort of put me in a trance. It was horrifying to read, but at the same time fascinating. I loved the description, and you put an image in my head that I really didn’t need (I mean that in the best way possible). It seemed as if you had a clear picture in your head of what was happening, which is probably what made the whole story work. (It’s what I like when a song is inspiration.)

    Overall, I found the whole story very detailed and well written. I don’t know what more I can say about it, so I’m sorry for such a short review. I found the main character absolutely terrible and disturbed, and throughout the whole story I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes and how pissed off but terrified I would be. I enjoy how the story ends, and I feel as if that if this happened to me, I’d do the exactly the same. I think it’s what is so appealing about this story – it’s very easy to relate to the girl.

    I really enjoyed this story and it was amazingly written. It honestly ended differently than I thought it was going to be, although I guess that’s a good thing! I’m glad you posted the link to this on the reviews thread, for it was definitely a must-read. Good job!
    Hollow Inside (NC17)
    July 14th, 2010 at 01:36am