Story Review Thread

  • precursors

    precursors (105)

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    Layout and Summary: I rather like the layout. It's simple, not too dark and not too bright, and matches the banner. The summary is what interested me; I was intrigued by the dialogue and the ultimatum that was given. It reminded me somewhat of dialogue from a slasher film.

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    It starts of quickly, with a character on the run from something; it's exciting and sets a fast paced mood - nice work there. There is one thing, however: "If your lungs could scream, he was sure that his would be screaming so loud that hell would hear them." I think that "your" should be "his", or be taken out completely, like "If lungs could scream, he was sure..."
    I like how the character is beating himself up, saying that he should've taken more gym classes or exercised more, in his time of peril.

    I feel that, after the bit of dialogue, "Cackling erupted out of the darkness..." should start a new paragraph.

    I did like that paragraph, though. It sets the eerie mood of the story as well as the setting, but without giving too much information, such as why he's running or who he's running from. I liked the metaphor of the houses' frameworks being skeletons and the personification of the empty windows. It made me picture exactly what this scene would look like as the character ran down the street barefoot; it's very well written.

    The next paragraph is well written as well and shows his memory well. This sentence, however, is a bit off. "The part of town he'd chosen to walk was usually considered safe, somewhere that you didn't have to worry about your children getting abducted." After safe there should be a semicolon, not a comma, and after that is a bit awkwardly phrased. It's not too bad, though, and still gets the message across.

    The next paragraphs are great; they engross the reader in what happened to the man and almost forget that he's running and simply remembering these events.

    The capture moves quickly and so does the dialogue between the man and his captor. As he begins to run, we're brought back to the beginning of the story; he scolds himself for not exercising and he's running from the laughter yet again in the suburban setting.

    As he grows closer to the field, I can tell that you're setting up for a quick turn of events. The save haven, the field, was snatched from him so quickly; he was ten meters from it and then ran out of time. I thought he was a goner.

    His determination to live saved his life; I liked that character trait. It was necessary in this story and was a great trait for the main character.

    Overall
    I liked this a lot. It had few grammar mistakes and was a well written, fast paced work. Great job!
    Mayday, please :)
    Quick note: I'm still working on the banner/layout for this, so don't review the layout.
    July 10th, 2011 at 11:27pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    I read your comment about the layout, so I won’t mention anything about that, but the title and summary itself gave me chills. A plane crashing is one of my biggest fears on this planet and it scares me shitless. I think what got me was the scene from the first Final Destination movie and it was just horrible. If that statistic is right, that’s scary; I would guess it would be a lot more. I don’t know why, but I would personally assume so. When I think of plane crashes, my first thought automatically goes to September 11th and they just freak me out, but I’m completely interested in reading about what your characters are going through because it does seem fascinating to me. So, I’m going to read the first chapter.

    I like how you started this out as everything going smoothly, somewhat how I pictured it to be really, because bad days always start good.
    “…’s okay,” Matt mumbled and nuzzled closer to Alex. – I’m not sure about this sentence here, I’m not sure if he was trying to be cute or what, but I personally thought it didn’t work well.

    So far, I like what I’m reading and I thought it was created with giving each passenger a story per say, and saying their names as if you want them to be stuck in our minds. I was very fond with the sense of how we get a little taste of these people’s lives and what they were like. And the fact that they actually mattered is very sad because of what’s going to happen. And your paragraph structure is nice too with the breaks as if it’s a scene change from a movie and our attention is on someone else now.

    Overall: I thought you set this up well and was beautifully done. All these characters I feel have some significance to the story and I really liked that and that you decided to write this in third person and not first. I initially thought it was going to be told through first person, but I liked this, it was different and interesting to read. However, I can understand how someone could find it confusing and difficult, but not me. So keep it up. I wished the chapter was longer, so I could get a feel for your characters a little more.

    ------

    Please read & review Hometown Glory, She Was Here, Almost Paradise or Neverland. Thank you so much.
    July 12th, 2011 at 06:41am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    First of all: I really liked the layout. The backgrounds, banner, colours, fonts and stuff, they all just worked perfectly. It's decorative and detailed without being overly so and the picture of the feather and leather-bound books really added to the vintagey feel if your story.

    Your summary was also good, it immediately attracts the reader's attention, the reader gets an idea of what's going to happen into the story, while there's still an air of mystery, so the reader is compelled into wanting more.

    I really love your choice of words, they're so elegant and sophisticated and they really flow well, it is elegant without coming off as overly formal or stiff. Your use of imagery was beautiful, it immediately captivates the reader's attention and the reader is curious to read more. I like your use of literary references, immediately, you already know that the character is well-schooled and educated and enjoys reading a lot. You get the feeling that he is a serious person and with little words, you managed to show that the character is very close to his grandfather, without explicitly saying so. I like your character's inner monologue, it's refreshing to see a into a thoughtful character's mind, it's very different from the whole woe-is-me character monologue.

    I really like the whole set up of this story and your use of language and everything, well done! Keep up the fab work!
    Please review Dreaming with a Broken Heart, you don't have to read all of the chapters if you don't want to. By the way, could you also please post the review in the comments section of the story? Thanks. (:
    July 12th, 2011 at 10:05am
  • loverfayce.

    loverfayce. (105)

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    The layout of this looks really nice; I like the banner and the images in the summary. The summary itself is very well-written, it gives you come nice direction on the story but not letting you figure out the whole plot before you've read a chapter or anything.

    Chapter One
    You have some really good description in the first paragraph there, as well as some insight to the character–she seems self-conscious, a little unsure of herself and how other people view her. Her voice is also very prominent, and I like that–there's a nice inner monologue of what she's thinking, as she's looking at the strangers, and walking up to the coffin, and thinking about the man. I like it. I like stories written like that, as a tap into the character's thoughts.

    Chapter Two
    Ah, snobby people. I love righting snobby people, it's the best.
    Also, the scenario of Adrienne and Jase getting married is adorable in my opinion. When my brother was a kid, he got married to our next door neighbor. So if anyone ever tells you that's unrealistic, tell them little kids totally do that. That whole chapter was pretty adorable, I can't think of something wrong with it.

    Chapter Four
    Aw, this is sad. But the fight you wrote is really good. They're adults fighting, and I'm glad it doesn't get overdramatic and end up with screaming and throwing things and complete overreaction like most stories do. It's over a believable thing, too; I can actually envision an argument like that happening. I also love the line, "They just didn't like each other at night." It reflects how Jase views the whole thing really well.

    One thing I've noticed a bit throughout the chapters: comma use. I don't think you use them enough. I probably use them way too much, but there's a couple obvious places you could use them, like before the words "but" and "too" for instance. Try reading your chapters out loud and see where you take a natural pause to put commas in.

    Chapter Five
    I feel like this may be just me or my city or something, but when I was 12 me and my friends didn't go to McDonald's alone and we definitely didn't know what like, trends were, like hippie and preppy and scene. The conversation they're having here seems a bit mature for their age to me.
    OH GOD poor Trish! Poor Jase! That was just painful to read! XD
    Also, I really like your way of showing POV changes, too, it's a lot more… natural than some things I've seen. That's a really good idea.

    Chapter Six
    OMG JASE AS HARRY POTTER YES I OFFICIALLY LOVE HIM.
    Sorry about the outburst… but that's awesome.
    Whoa this is an intense Halloween party. Jase's got all the girls up on him.

    Overall
    So, I felt like this review was kinda pointless because I couldn't really point out that much for improvement and all I really did was make a few random comments about a few chapters But I honestly didn't really know what to say. I like this story a lot already. I think it's really realistic, and the whole childhood romance is adorable and written way better than I've ever seen it attempted online. The characters are diverse and believable, and your writing seems almost effortless. And by that I mean like… the writing doesn't get in the way of the story, you know? It tells you what happens, and so it's almost like you don't even notice it. The plot and the characters just float into your brained without you even realizing you're reading something. Does that make sense? In any case, it's a good thing.

    I'm subscribing. (:
    Strut, please and thank you.
    July 14th, 2011 at 10:07pm
  • whiskey lullaby.

    whiskey lullaby. (100)

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    ^ I CLAIM ALLISON YAYY Doneee. Cute
    Review for Strut:
    I'll start with a little editing because it's your NaNo/JulNo so I know how important it is. In paragraph seventeen, first sentence, you wrote "out" when you meant "our". As far as I could see, that was it. =)

    Now, on to the fun stuff. That was more captivating than I expected. It was a perfect set up for a story of conniving little evil beings. It's like you're giving us insight to all the dirty things no one wants to admit comes with money. I can feel everyone's personalities well, and that's very, very important in a good story, especially one like this where there are quite a few characters to keep up with, so great job on that.
    Ross and Reagan are messed up. I love it. You're capturing their messed-up-ness flawlessly. You aren't overdoing it, you aren't underdoing it.
    Between the lines, I'm reading that Ross and Reagan are going to attack Mr. CEO and his Not-Wife? That's what I'm getting from this prologue. That'd be wicked awesome. But if not, well that'd still be awesome.
    I must admit that it'd be fun to watch them fall. Maybe if they hit the ground hard enough they'll soften up a little.
    Beautiful layout, fits the story well.

    The not-so-fun-but-necessary part: what you could improve.
    The way some things were worded was confusing. For example, in paragraph 4, you said "At the top, there’s this complex between people." That could have even been a grammatical error for all I know but if it's not I reccommend changing it.
    That's all I can think of for this section though. You're doing a wonderful job on this story and it is well worth the time it takes to read, lengthy or not.

    Oh, and I miss you guys, Allison. Haha, thought I'd mention that. =)
    ___
    Please review both chapters of Bryony. They're rather short, so it won't take you long. =)
    Also, if you wouldn't mind, could you give me advice on a better title and summary?
    Hope you enjoy it, and hope you get a great review on your own story! =)
    July 16th, 2011 at 04:21am
  • adela.

    adela. (100)

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    Layout and Summary

    I thought that the summary was short, to the point, and intriguing. It definitely made me want to read the story. I usually don’t like summaries that pretty much tell the entire plot, so you did a really good job with that! I thought that the layout was nice, but the background sort of detracted from the actual story. That’s just me, though.

    Chapter One

    This started off a little odd since the characters didn’t really have an introduction. The reader doesn’t know who they are, what they look like, their back-story, etc. The start of the story is very quick, and it’s good that you’re getting right to the point, but I feel like there could have been some more buildup. I think this chapter is good, and with a little change in pacing, it could be great.

    Chapter Two

    I’m surprised that she could use her vampire strength so easily just after she was turned, but I really liked how you described the inside of the coffin. Especially the line, “It was so dark she couldn't tell if her eyes were really open or not.” It really stuck out to me, for some reason. The little cliffhanger at the end was the perfect way to finish the chapter, since now the reader wants to know who the person speaking is.

    Overall, with a little more description and patience when it comes to moving the plot forward and introducing new things and people, this story could be really great. It’s definitely on its way there! And as for the new title, I'm not exactly sure since the story isn't too far in yet.
    If you could review chapters eight, nine, and ten of Chalk Drawings in the Rain, por favor? :]
    July 16th, 2011 at 06:14pm
  • loverfayce.

    loverfayce. (105)

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    First of all, I must say that I quite like your story layout and the lyrics in the banner are from one of my favorite songs. Things are already looking good.

    Quick note on the early chapters–I did read them, to get my bearings. I like how you didn't just skim over Reed and Mia's childhood, but you're actually working your way through it with relevant scenes. There are a lot of small, but very real problems scattered that make the plot and the characters seem lifelike. I definitely wrote this off as a childhood-friends-that-grow-apart-then-fall-in-love story, but I'm second-guessing that now.

    Chapter 8
    Hm, I like Elliot. I like Reed's reaction to him, and I like the way he's comparing him to Mia constantly; it makes their relationship and the way Reed sees it more tangible. I especially like the lines about Elliot not taking a hint and Reed mouthing 'help me' to Mia, that made me giggle. Elliot really is adorable; he's one of those painfully honest people you want to punch in the face but high five at the same time.
    Reed's home life makes me sad. The scene was good, though; you made Reed's father seem unpleasant without going over the top with yelling and throwing things like I've honestly seen done before (it's awful).

    I don't know if it's just me or something, but Reed doesn't sound like that strange of a name to me. It's kinda funny how everyone's always reacting to it. Just a sidenote.

    Chapter 9
    Oh no! D: That first line made me so sad! Kids can be so mean to each other. And Elliot's kind of a badass. I like that Mia's friends are warming up to Reed and vice-versa, so now they sort of have a little group going.
    XD I absolutely love Mr. Montgomery's initial reaction to Mia's 'boy' question. I love it when parents in stories have personalities. He seems like such a nice guy, I like him a lot already just from that little phone call scene, and his actions with Mia.
    I also like the subtle escalation of the conflict going on in this story. It starts with Reed's dad, and Reed liking Disney movies, and it's still not a huge problem, but there's definitely more of a presence now. You've dropped a lot of hints along the way to this, too, and with Reed referencing the teasing being constant, it doesn't seem at all like this incident is sudden at all.

    Chapter 10
    It is actually so cute that Reed and Mia are still drawing in chalk the day before high school. I love it. That whole conversation was so great, it's wonderful how Mia and Reed are still so close. I also like the direct addressal of Reed's (possible) sexuality.
    I was grinning and raising my eyebrows suggestively throughout the whole "Jesse" scene. I like him, and the whole Lucy-matchmaker thing is pretty funny.
    WHOA BABY. Reed and Elliot, that was so cute!!! I'm cheesin right now, haha. Although the whole party-game-then-kiss thing is pretty cliche, I'll let it slide for this one.

    Overall
    So, I'm just gonna come out and say it, I am not a slash reader. At all. I usually don't read it as a general rule, because it usually just isn't my thing. This story, however, is my thing because it is really, really good. Your characters are so wonderful, I'm already in love with all of them. You have a way of making personalities stand out with just a handful of words or a conversation, and it makes all your characters seem very alive. The acceleration of the plot through these specific three chapters is a bit sudden, I'll say that, but it's necessary and still easy to follow.
    One thing that I respect very much about this is that there's no "time lapse" headers, no, ***THREE YEARS LATER***. You manage to work in ages and the timeline into the narration, which is like, unheard of in the Mibba world. It makes the story that much better.
    The presence of families is also something that makes your story stand out. Too many stories simply bypass families all together to focus on the main characters, which is entirely realistic. It makes a story that much better when there's siblings and parents in the mix. I didn't talk much about Katherine in the individual chapter reviews, but I do like her and Mia's relationship; it's very realistic when their ages are taken into consideration.

    So, to sum it all up, I'd say this story is pretty exceptional. I'm definitely reading the rest and subscribing, wonderful job. (:
    Strut, please and thank you.
    July 17th, 2011 at 03:16am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Layout
    I definitely like this layout compared with your summary. It fits perfectly, the photo and icons you've used are lovely. I just definitely get a very city vibe to this and I have to say you've done fabulously with your options.

    Content
    I really like your first few paragraphs. The short blunt lines. Even the repetitiveness of "they're so famous". It really works with your writing style. I have a feeling that this is going to be a very worthless critique just because I'm enjoying it so much already...but we'll see. Normally the blunt, short sentences wouldn't work but for this type of story it seems to fit quite well. :)

    The social scene, it’s a delicate thing. I absolutely love this line. I like that it almost seems to rhyme. You've got this kind of rhyme scheme throughout the piece and it just gives it this very city vibe. I feel like there's a kind of beat in the background to be honest.

    I'm really curious as to what this story is going to have to do with power. You seem to mention it a lot, and I'm sitting here just very curious about the main plot of the piece. How will it tie in with your main characters?

    Clothes designers I think this should be Clothing designers.

    a business which, so contrary should be that instead of which.

    In this case, out friend Charles is in a little too deep our friend

    I really like that it seems like you've just kind of planned out your characters to their core. I can tell that you actually planned it out rather than just made it up as you went along. Or at least, that's definitely how it seems. If this is just a sort of type as you go story, than you're brilliant lol.

    He calls this team the mafia.. I kind of feel if you put a little bit more emphasis on the mafia it'll just stick out more.

    Baha, I totally had a feeling that Alexis and Cameron were sleeping together. The second it was mentioned that he was a male, I was like...well, then. I really do like this plot line. It's very different than what you normally read on this website. It actually reminds me of a much more matured Gossip Girl. I've only read the first of those books, never watched the show. But yes, it reminds me of that to be honest

    You've got an excellent transition between topics in here as well. Between Charles than Alexis, to Reagan than Ross. It flows perfectly, and the writing style is just so easy to read. Frankly, I don't feel like I have anything constructive to say, other than how much I enjoy this and how I'll be subscribing.
    Please review Heartless
    July 17th, 2011 at 09:01am
  • swell

    swell (150)

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    Layout: Gorgeous. The banner is beautiful and you can actually read the text without your eyes hurting so I reckon that's a winner in my book.

    Chapter One:
    I loved the description in the beginning, I could imagine the scene clearly in my head. It's interesting that the opening lines don't directly talk about Mercury, it kind of leads to her if that makes sense. The fact that you didn't start with 'Mercury did this and did that..', it was a natural way to start the chapter.

    The emblem of Hogwarts gleaming up at her as she read the letter out loud to her parents, who had heard it five times before. This doesn't make sense, exactly. Maybe The emblem of Hogwarts gleamed up at her as she read the letter out loud to her parents, who had heard it five times before.

    The conversation than turned to lighter topics. This should be 'then', not 'than'.

    The characters seem realistic to be put in a HP setting and I loved the way Luna was portrayed, even though she had a small part in the scene. I love Luna.

    Chapter Two:
    The first paragraph drew me in straight away. Actually, your writing in general always keeps my interest. Anyways.

    I'm so glad that Mercury is in a house apart from Gryffindor or Slytherin because in most DM fictions, the opposing girl character is either with Malfoy 24/7 or sparring with him just because she's in the rival house. It's refreshing.

    Though when she glanced behind her she could only see Slytherin’s. Slytherins shouldn't have an apostrophe, because it's the whole group, not one person.

    The way you've added little tidbits about Mercury's character makes her more relatable. It's also interesting to read what her personality is like.

    The second Dumbledore sat the entirety of each house dove for the food. A comma is needed after 'sat', I had to read this a few times because it didn't make sense to me.

    The pacing is really well done, I feel if it went any slower or faster the story would be unbalanced. And weird to read. I'm enjoying reading this a second time around :)

    Escaping Reality, please. It's an original fiction :)
    July 21st, 2011 at 10:03am
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    First off, I loved the layout and the summary. I'm a huge fan of using size differences in summaries to emphasize something important so that was great to see. The summary was very interesting as well; although there seem to be countless road trip movies, I haven't seen too many road trip stories and therefore, it was nice to see something that hasn't been done to death on here. You also created this web of intrigue around Harley. My only note would be that in the last sentence, Especially when they run into the mysterious Harley Davidson, that is, the that is sounds a little awkward. :)

    Prologue:

    I really liked the shot of blue in the chapter title when I opened it up; it looked really good and was a neat divider. I'm not too sure how I feel about the picture, however. Right off the bat, however, I was blown away by how seamless your description was. Sometimes, when an author is trying to describe a room, it just sounds like they're listing details but it seemed completely natural and organic. You also did a great job creating an atmosphere with that description; it was such a contrast from the summary that I had to sit up a little straighter and say, "Wait, what?" You drew me right in from that second paragraph.

    "Hello." Just that one word brought shivers to my spine as well. I think it was the choice of the word, to be honest; if the kidnapper had said something like Hey or Hi, it wouldn't have been nearly as intimidating but Hello is just so formal that it made things that much more eerie.

    "I'm tired though, I just came down to sleep next to you." I love how, if taken out of context, this line sounds so sweet, but it gets an entirely different meaning in this story. You're doing a great job at writing the relationship between the kidnapper and the victim; that line is just so creepy though. -shudders-

    That was a great ending to the chapter; it was a little bit uplifting after starting off in a rather depressing way. I'm glad that you didn't go into excessive detail with the violence; I am a fan of gratuitous violence but there's a time and place for it and this was neither. xD The extra touch of her spitting on his face made things seem even more real; I know that I would probably do something similar if I was in her position. This definitely gave us some outlook into Harley's character; are they going to pick her up just after this moment or was this in her past? Either way, I think you've definitely started with a great situation to give her character some extra personality, if that makes sense.

    Overall, there's really no improvements I could offer. Your description is stunning and this is a great way to start off a story, with immediate contrast. I think that Harley is a character who is going to be very interesting and I cannot wait to meet the others. This sounds like it is going to be a very interesting and well-written story and I'm going to subscribe. :)
    A Trip to The Stars please. :)
    July 21st, 2011 at 04:37pm
  • Unpretty

    Unpretty (200)

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    Please review Handcrafted Monsters. If you can only do one chapter, please make it the second.
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    Layout: While the banner kind of makes my hand hurt, that's a matter of personal opinion. I've never liked pictures of the sort. However, it goes well with the story, so I have to give you that. The black is very simple and matched, though I think another color might make the page more bearable to look at. Sometimes too much black can be overwhelming.

    Summary: The summary was very, very brief. However, it was just the hook to catch my attention. Normally one-liners don't work very well, but you managed to pull it off. You might also consider straight-out stating what kind of fanfiction this is. It took me a while to realize it's from Doctor Who.

    Grammar:
    - She's going to die, very soon now, and there isn't a thing that their drugs and needles will be able to do, except prolong her life for a few more miserable days that she really doesn't want.
    This seems to be kind of a run on. You might ending the sentence after 'very soon now' and then stating the next with. 'There isn't a thing...'

    - Even her eyebrows are gone, leaving her face a smooth, white surface; much like an egg, she supposes.

    Other:
    - I like the character Rose. She has a very distinct personality. She seems stubborn and like the protagonist you both really admire and kind of want to yell at for her actions at the same time.

    -But now she was dying and she knew that he wasn't going to come back. This line sort of broke my heart.
    Likes:
    - Her blond hair is all gone, ripped out by the chemotherapy that was supposed to rip out the cancer from her body. I really loved this comparison.

    - She wants to tell them that their tales of earthly adventures were no more exciting to her than watching paint dry. Another lovely comparison. I also like the parallelism with all the 'she wanted to tell them'. Most notably the bit where she was in love with a crazy man.

    - But every year, that glimmer of hope remained, small as it was, that he would remember her birthday and come back from across the galaxy with tales and gifts and he wouldn't even know that he'd been gone ten years and she would have forgiven him. I enjoyed this quote. I'm not sure why. It's very sad but it shows the kind of love she feels towards him.

    - She really doesn't care if her floors are vacuumed or if the windows are clean or if she's getting a decent meal. I like this line because I understand. I always try to tell people that this kind of stuff doesn't really matter in the long run of things.

    - One night, her mum drags her into the tub to bathe her and all she can do is weakly cry, like a newborn kitten, blind and deaf. I enjoy this comparison.

    - Despite her happiness, her body won't change its mind. If possible, she's getting even weaker, her awareness being torn away by sneaky fingers. So real. Loved it.

    - Rose can't help but smile when she realizes that the Doctor is a maniac. I liked this line as well for some reason. Their relationship seems to be so unique and I can't help but love it.

    - The scene in front of them is, in the Doctor's eyes, rather simple. It's merely a never-ending expanse of stars, stretching on and on into infinity. Another brilliant line. You're full of them.

    - What finally remains is a strange mixture of pure, unfiltered love, sadness and relief. This line made me desperately sad. In fact the ending in general did.

    Overall the story was great. A very sad ending, but you managed to weave in the right amount of emotion and reality. I know you don't think you did the characters justice, but if not, you made it even better. It was great.
    July 23rd, 2011 at 05:30pm
  • volta.

    volta. (1000)

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    Layout
    I like how it's pretty basic with a bold colour as the outer layout, white in the story area and then a simple picture that has a whole lot more colour. Nothing's competing with anything else within the story layout, so it's good because it doesn't distract. :) It does look a little awkward where the title would be, I think if you didn't want that extra white space there, you could just take the font size to zero and it wouldn't look as awkward. :)

    Summary
    I've always been a fan of one-line summaries, or lyrics instead of a summary trying to intrigue the reader. I think that they always seem to capture the mood rather than a a paragraph or two kind of hinting at what's to come. And that's what your summary does. :) Even if it's only one line, it sets a vibe - that this story might be dark, and it may deal with unsettling issues even. And that it has a slight mood of danger - that something might be brewing within the plot and something's gonna happen. :) I like the line, anyways.

    Chapter One
    Preferring to be referred to simply as Miss when dealing with - I think this line reads a little awkwardly. I think 'Miss' needs to be in a different place. Like, Preferring to be simply referred to as Miss when dealing... or, Preferring to simply be referred to...

    business such as the - I think you may also need a comma after the first business

    She was, as most women during the winter season, breathtakingly beautiful. - I don't quite get this. You read this sentence, and then afterwards you read about the make-up on her face. And it just seems odd, because why is it just winter that women are breathtakingly beautiful? Why is it only her face that makes it so? My line of thought after reading that sentence was maybe she was wearing an exquisite fur coat with some dead animal wrapped around her neck, the cold of the night making her flustered and all of those kinds of things. But what came after doesn't quite make sense nor give any reason as to why women are only beautiful in winter if they wear make-up.

    "Well?" She prompted - lower case 's.'

    his one hundred and twenty-fifth birthday was coming up soon, - I like how this is innocently mentioned, like to everyone in the plot it just seems like something normal, but to the readers it's like whoa, hold up. It definitely helps create that interest, and how this man is living so old - and what she might have to do with it.

    It's kinda finny, while you're reading about the old man, you kind of get that old vibe - like his grandfathers pen, and just the way he seems to act. And then a computer is present, and you're taken back into the present, where the world is way ahead than what we know. It's quite amusing.

    the set of doors swinging back and leading to a dimly lit room. - you don't need 'and' in there. It makes for more awkward reading.

    Twelve table occupied the space, - missing an 's,' :)

    back and feet shoulder width apart. - back, with their feet a shoulder width apart, it doesn't quite make sense the way you wrote it - but that's because there are words missing from it.

    bundle rapped in a - wrapped

    few documents, to confirm your purchase." - you don't really need that comma in there. I think the sentence is already too broken up by commas, that some pauses begin to sound unnecessary.

    luxury, "You'll want - full stop, not a comma.

    "Defects?" She repeated, - lower case 's'

    Another thing for the sake of this chapter, I've noticed that a few of the errors that I pointed out are also errors that i saw sparks pointed out too. And that was maybe a few weeks ago judging by the date. So, it might pay to actually go and edit the chapter so people aren't commenting with all the errors that have already been mentioned.

    I think this chapter sets up the plot well. You keep the reader in the dark reasonably well, they're not quite sure what exactly is going on - but it's something that might seem a little too deviant within the society they live. It's definitely intriguing. And as I mentioned before, it does feel like there's a bit of the old mixed in with this entirely new world...and that makes for a good read because while it retains a bit of familiarity, it still has that alien-ness to it. And also, I thought it was quite good how you didn't mention her name until the last chapter of the story - it just gave her a sense of anonymity and even a little danger.

    I also like that you present the little ideas of conflict with these women taking babies - because it's becoming apparent that they are the science experiments? Not entirely brought into the world in the way most usually are? If not, then I've possibly read the whole thing wrong. And if so, it's good to see that this isn't all dandy like you'd think it might be.

    Chapter Two
    the warm arm, - air?

    she had adapted - within the sentence that this is written, adopted would be the correct term. However, if you wanted to use 'adapted' you could add in to so, she had adapted to.

    Spring had arrived in Danforth not long ago, and parks were now opening across the city, giving the women an excuse to busy themselves in a way other than housework. - again, this brings in that sense of the old within this future world. It's quite interesting. :)

    "We've talked about it on more occasion than one. - this also reads a little awkwardly, I think you could maybe change it to "We've talked about it on more than one occasion.

    and beliefs with Pegs was - 'when' instead of 'with?' That sentence also doesn't quite make sense.

    from work and once and - 'at once'

    hand dismisevly before flipping - dismissively

    baby whenever Sloan - 'when.' Whenever makes it sound like she doesn't really know when Sloan's birthday is.

    By then I'll be able to take a year off for her fertility surgery and preperation. - I really do like how these things are casually mentioned, and it introduces the reader into the type of society they all live in. But you don't go to in depth, you mention it, and then you're left wondering when this will all tie back into the plot, and what it all means. I mean, it's very intriguing. :) And preparation.

    I wouldn't touch another thing covered in shit and piss for a few years. - this sounds way too out of place for the two women. You've got them speaking relatively proper in the rest of the dialogue then all of a sudden there's slight swearing. It doesn't quite fit - in all honesty, it takes away the seriousness behind it all.

    "You only get one girl and one boy. It's the rules, or else you get in trouble." - and another point of interest. :) You just keep handing out these little hints, and it seems to move the plot along in an interesting direction. :) At the moment, it reminds me of Chinese society and their thing about children - and I think that's pretty neat, because then the reader almost has a point of reference until they get the full picture of what's happening.

    good kick into Archie eyes - Archie's

    okay, and he - you don't need and in there.

    I think this chapter definitely explores the women well, and through them you're able to slightly portray the society they live in, and that sheds some clarity on the mysterious goings of the previous chapter. So that's pretty good. :) And then you cut to the two children, and then in their innocent way they share even more about what goes on, and it really shows how the society is drenched in law and control - and you can see that control within the husbands.

    And it's that kind of control that makes me feel like the past in this story is around the 1920's to the 1950's, yet it's a whole lot more modern too. It's just so interesting how you get that old vibe mixed in with the new. I mean, overall, it's got that dystopian vibe, and that means there's going to be a whole lot of conflict - and you've created quite a few situations where the reader could see conflict as a feasible thing.

    And as for the title tying into the plot so far - it kind of relates to Archie, and for some reason it kind of feels like that him being rather smart for his age is something not quite well thought of. And thus, it feels like maybe that's where the things are going wrong - creating human beings that are smarter than the system. It's like he might be his mothers hope of improving her life, but then it might be put in danger. I don't know, it's all rather interesting to think about. :)

    I just think you might need to go and fix those slight errors, and possibly re-read over chapters after posting them, and then you'll have an intriguing plot, with a very decent flow and next to no errors. :) It's a very neat plot with a unique take. :)
    Little Kisses please and thank you. :)
    July 23rd, 2011 at 09:56pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    I love your layout. The banner, colours, the wood strip on the side, background, they just all tie in together perfectly. They kind of add to the story, because your layout is just so beautiful. I really like your summary as well, it gives just enough away to inform the reader that it is a romance yet it doesn't give too much away. I really like that little note in the summary, already even before reading the story, the reader knows that the guy is willing to do anything for the girl, despite the fact that she's dead.

    I like how you started off with a text message, and especially you started off with a a topic about pregnancy. Already the reader is curious to know what happens and thus, is immediately drawn into your story and is most curious to keep on reading more. I just adore the subtle descriptions that you've weaved in cleverly into the story. Rather than having big chunks of paragraphs with lengthy descriptions, you just sneak it in and it's really effective. You also portray emotions perfectly, you can just feel her antagonising over the pregnancy and about what to say to Vic. Just a quick note, you wrote, "she could never picture herself as another beings mother." There's meant to be an apostrophe in front of the g. :)
    Haha, I love how Olivia sent the pregnancy tests to Vic, it's a welcome change from turning up to the boyfriend's doorstep in the rain and saying, "....I'm pregnant." But I feel for Vic, I would be pissed off if I randomly got some pregnancy test in the mail.

    This was really good so far, I love your choice of words. You use fairly common words but you weave it in such a way, that it comes off as quite elegant and your sentences flow perfectly. There are very few mistakes and it was really a beautiful piece. I like the foreshadowing you've got going on, because of the last sentence and the summary. I have a feeling something awful is going to happen and that the pregnancy is just the beginning of an end. Well done, this really has potential. Keep up the good work <3

    ----

    Please review Dreaming with a Broken Heart, you don't have to read all of the chapters if you don't want to. By the way, could you also please post the review in the comments section of the story? Thanks. (:
    July 24th, 2011 at 07:19am
  • chrissie.marie

    chrissie.marie (100)

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    the power of justice:
    Please review Dreaming with a Broken Heart, you don't have to read all of the chapters if you don't want to. By the way, could you also please post the review in the comments section of the story? Thanks. (:
    Claimed. Reviewed.

    Layout: I love the different patterns you've used in your layout. They're so pretty and elegant, and they fit the vibe of your story. I also liked your banner, but the story title is blurred and pixelated, which makes it hard to read.

    Summary: I think it's great that your summary is so vague. It introduces the reader to the characters but doesn't give too much away in terms of the story.

    Chapter One: The present tense narration is so great for this story. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but I love it. And I enjoyed that bit about her pimple because I adore it when writers focus on obscure details.
    All of this wasn’t supposed to happen. --> None of this was supposed to happen.
    waiting for me to speak, to say anything, --> There should be a period at the end of this sentence, not a comma.
    unblinkingly --> I'm not entirely sure that's a word. I'd suggest replacing it with 'blankly' or even 'without blinking'.

    Chapter Two: I feel like you definitely managed to capture the innocence of these little children in this chapter. They're so adorable, and I especially like Jase's character. You definitely characterized him well.

    Chapter Three: Their friendship and innocence are so well-captured in this chapter as well. I really, really like the way you are going about this story. Your writing style is captivating. Again, I really love the way you portrayed Jase in this chapter. I think he's my favorite character.
    I swear on my life that we will be best friends forever and nothing will come through us. --> Between us, perhaps?

    Chapter Four: In this chapter, you did a really good job on showing a child's view of a somewhat troubled family. The way you describe Jase's reactions to his parents' fighting, especially that he blames himself for their troubles, makes your reader really feel for him.
    Or in the same house, his dad’s pillow was often on the couch in the living room in the mornings. --> Or at least in the same house/Or in the same house, at least. His dad's...

    Overall, this story was excellent, absolutely incredible. Your writing style was great, and I can't wait to read more. I subscribed so that I can go back to reading it. I'd suggest just rereading your chapters to look for minor errors because other than that, they're great. Thank you for a wonderful read; I'm sure I'll be back with another comment on the rest of your story. My comment is posted in your story comments as well, and I hope it helps. Cute

    ---

    A Little Bit of Love and Laughter, please? It's a HP fanfic. I certainly don't expect you to read all thirty chapters, so only a few, maybe starting at chapter 9, would suffice. But if you do like the story and decide to read the whole thing, you'd be the best. Cute I'd appreciate the post also be in the story comments, as well. Thanks!
    July 27th, 2011 at 04:20am
  • bellamy blake

    bellamy blake (3280)

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    Story Review Thread

    Layout + Summary:

    I'm not really huge on dwelling on layouts, so I'm going to keep this short, sweet, and to the point. :) I really like the simplicity of the layout you chose and that fact that it isn't incredibly distracting or flashy. The text is really easy to read, and, though this may just be my own dirty mind, the sheet patterned background makes me think that sex is going to be involved XD I also like that the simplicity of the layout allows the gorgeous banner to shine tehe

    I feel like though you chose a longer title, it doesn't read awkwardly or seem too rambling as some longer titles do. It's sweet. It gives me the impression that this story is going to revolve around love and friendship.

    As far as the summary goes, I feel like you did an amazing job. This summary was everything that a summary should be: it provided enough information for me to get a grasp on what I was getting myself into with this story without giving away the entire plot. That being said, there were still a couple things I was iffy on. First off, incredibly nitpicky, but 64 should be spelled out, just a rule of thumb. And I have to admit that the thing that really just killed me about this summary was the question at the end. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but generally, when I see questions in a summary, I'm sort of led to believe that the story will be really cliché. As a reader, I feel like if the author cares enough about whatever is being asked to put it in the form of a question, odds are, the answer to that question is going to be yes, so there's really no point in posing that statement in the form of a question. Those are just my feelings toward that, not saying that's automatically how every sees it.

    Chapter Nine:

    I'm starting off with chapter nine as you specified. I thought I'd only be able to review one chapter, just because it generally takes me the full two hours to review a single chapter, but these chapters are fairly short, so I think I'll be able to sufficiently review a couple of them. Of course, because I'm starting from the ninth chapter, I have absolutely no clue what happened in the previous chapters, so take that into account. I'll only be reviewing the content of the chapters I'm reading, so plot progression, character development, things of that nature probably won't come into play very much. Also, I have to admit I'm not gungho into Harry Potter, but I know enough that I should be able to comprehend the story well enough to write a decent review.

    Now onto the good stuff...

    I enjoyed the way you chose to open this chapter with the MFC reminiscing about her past at the train station. I feel like it gave that fresh feeling of beginning a new chapter without relying on the whole overused, alarm-clock-wake-up-in-the-morning-feeling-like-pdiddy scenario, but it still retained that fresh effect and that natural segmentation between chapters.

    Nitpicky formatting thing, but since the Daily Prophet is a newspaper, it should be italicized.

    As I'm reading, I feel like the paragraph that begins with "I couldn't even bring myself to mediate on the idea any longer.." is a little repetitous. For example, at the beginning of the paragraph, you mention "As I read, the voices around me become clearer and clearer..." but then, in the next line, you sort of redundantly reiterate that in "The voices behind me grew more and more distinct as they got closer", which is practically restating the same thing in the previous line. Common sense-wise, I know what you're trying to say, that she was finally actually able to make out the words, but I feel like there are a dozen other ways of wording that phrase so that it doesn't seem so repetitous.

    As I'm reading, I also have to give kudos to you for how naturally the dialogue flows between the characters. Not once did I sort of stumble over the lines or feel like anything they were saying was too forced, though I have ot admit that I would've liked to have seen more gestures throughout the conversation. You added in a bit of Em's expressions, but I would've also liked to have seen that same attention to detail done with the boys, particularly because, since this is written in first person, I would expect her to be focused more on the others' reactions that her own.

    This chapter, overall, was a nice read. It flowed very smoothly and wasn't difficult to read. The only constructive criticism I really have for the chapter as a whole is that I would've liked to have seen more depth, more elaboration on some points. I feel like you have a really good sense of organization as far as knowing when the "scene" should begin and how it should come to a close, but there's a lot of details lacking, a lot of senses that aren't really provoked. I'm not a big fan of flowery language or descriptions myself, so I enjoyed the more casual style that this was written in, I just would've liked to have seen you pull more from it.

    Chapter Ten:

    Once again, I feel like you opened the chapter well. I like how you touched on the typical first day of school commotion that was going on in the hall and how she was used to it all by now. Once again, this is a place where I would've liked to have seen more description come into play because, this is the opening paragraph, it's setting up the essence of the scene that's about to unfold.

    Another thing that sort of bugged me during this first paragraph and as I'm continuing to read is how jaded the main character seems. It wouldn't really bother me if I felt like this was that type of character, but from what I gathered in the summary about this being a new world for her, though this is the tenth chapter, I feel like it would still retain that quality. I mean, no matter what age you are, freshman or senior, everyone gets a little excited on the first day of school, and I feel like, though this is Hogwarts and the wizarding world and all of that, that anxious excitement would still transfer over.

    Personally, I'd had my eye on Roger for quite some time now. But I was nothing special. - I feel like this should all be one sentence because while reading it, it felt incredibly awkward to fullstop at that period. I feel like a comma would work better as far as flow is concerned.

    Another formatting thing: It was the same as last year and the year before. The Forbidden Forest is off-limits to first years; no magic in the corridors between classes; etc. - I feel like this should be written as "It was the same as last year and the year before: the Forbidden Forest is off-limits to first years, no magic in the corriders between classes, etc." The way it's written now, you're using semi-colons incorrectly, and as I mentioned above, it's not natural to fullstop between those two "sentences."

    I do like how you sort of drifted from person to person in the room and how you wrote those tidbits about each person, giving the feeling as if the reader's eyes were scanning the room alongside Emily's. It didn't feel like too much unnecessary information, yet, I feel like those brief introductions to Roger and Violet weren't lacking anything. It was just enough to satisfy my curiousity towards them, though if you're going to further explore Roger as potential love interest, I would obviously need to know more about him, which I assume comes in the next chapter since she followed him to the tower.

    As I said regarding the previous chapter, the dialogue flows well between the characters, but my problem is that that's all it is: just dialogue. There's no gestures or facial expressions ot really enchance it or paint that visual in my head of them talking, it's purely aural. Like I can hear the conversation taking place as I read, but I can't make out the characters' faces. I also would've liked to have been shown more of the little things that would clue Em into Fred's jealous, aside from just being told in the form of that dig he made towards Roger.

    I sort of have a lot of the same constructive criticism that I had regarding the last chapter: elaborate, elaborate, elaborate. Incorporate more of the senses. I mean, I know next to nothing about the HP universe, characters, etc, but my mind was going completely rampant as I read, thinking of how I would've picked out more things, such as the boys' facial expressions as they spoke, sounds from the Great Hall that weren't necessarily conversation, the way the food smells, and yadda yadda yadda.

    --

    Overall, I feel like, from the two chapters I've read, that this is a superb backbone for a story. Though I'm intrigued by the concept and the relationship between Emily and the Weasley twins, I feel like this is just sort of a story, it isn't an experience. I'm assumng that because you're asking for a review on a finished story that you're in the process of editing, which is why my review has focused primarily on suggestions, constructive criticism, and what I felt needed to be worked on because, in the editing process, that's the most helpful. This was an enjoyable read, and as I mentioned before, I do love your style, I would just adore if you dug deeper into this story because I feel like there's so much more to it than what I've read.

    This was a great read, and I wish you luck =)
    Please review Stuck, thanks. Cute
    July 30th, 2011 at 03:57pm
  • goodbyeeeee

    goodbyeeeee (100)

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    Story Review:
    Layout & Summary

    Okay, so the layout and the banner are really pretty. I love the design of having a pattern going down the side of the layout. It's a really interesting way to make your layout. I also like how you don't have anything on the background except a solid color. It doesn't take away from the story, which is good, and it also doesn't hurt my eyes, aha. :) Plus, the shades that you used are very easy on the eyes, so it's not like I would immediately press the back button if I'd happen upon this myself.

    As for the summary, I think it's neat how it's just a quote from the theme song. It makes me more interested to figure out what this story is about since you really don't say much about the basic idea, and considering I've never heard this song before. But I have to admit, that while I read this, I'll turn the song on in the background so I can kinda hear what it's about, while I'm reading. (: Personally, I like stories that include the song that the story kind of...is based upon? I don't think that's what I'm trying to say exactly, so I hope you catch my drift. D:

    Alrighty, onto the story itself! :D

    Chapter One

    I'm assuming that the characters in this story are the actual character's from Big Time Rush and since I don't watch that show, don't mind me if I happen to say something completely wrong about the character or something. I'm very sorry if that does happen, aha. I should be fine, though, from watching a couple episodes, so I know what the basics of the show is, so here I go! :D

    Personally, I think it's adorable how boy's are nervous about asking girl's to prom when usually, they are supposed to be so care-free and all, "oh, hey, go to prom with me!" You potrayed Logan being jittery and nervous very well, and I could tell just by how you wrote his emotions that he honestly really likes the girl. I don't think you mentioned her name, but for some reason I'm imagining her as a Nicole. hah. :)

    James sounds like someone I'd classify as a "BAMF", aha. He seems like a normal high-school kid. It was cool how you used a metaphor (I think that's what it's called, aha. Summer vacation is taking a toll on me.) to compare his ego to a balloon. Very clever. (: His little thought about Logan made me laugh. Silly boys. :) The only complaint I have is that there seemed to be a lot of description and it kind of ruined the flow of the story so far, but it's working great for the visuals of the characters! :)

    I was kind of lost about the whole Carlos's helmet thing, but it was all on me, since I'm not a Big Time Rush fan as I'd mentioned before. But I really enjoyed how you compared Carlos's eyes to Hershey syrup, instead of just plain chocolate like most people do. It was very original. :) And again, when you talked about Logan's eyes being coffee-colored. The cliche way is just so...overused, so it was nice to see a fresh description, if that makes sense.

    James is so funny. I love when you describe him. He seems so cocky and full of himself, yet I don't hate him. Also, the dialogue between the characters is very realistic. I can imagine someone saying them, and it's not forced at all. Good job on that. :)

    His hazel eyes gave the blonde a slow look of approval. In this line, I was a bit confused as to who had the hazel eyes and who he was looking at, but again, it's because I don't really know the characters. I'm assuming that it was James' who Kendall was looking at, though.

    The conversation between Kandi and Logan flows very well. And the way you write the dialogue is just fantastic. I can imagine hearing it in my mind while I'm reading, which is something I really admire an author for. :)

    It really upset me when Logan didn't confess his love to Kandi, but I loved, loved, LOVED how you described his feelings all through the dance. I felt like I was actually standing there, watching the whole thing unfold right before my own eyes.

    More towards the end, I felt like you didn't use as much description as you did in the beginning, probably because you had already made sure you said what the characters looked like.

    All in all, this was a very great one shot. The relationships between the characters were voiced perfectly. The dialogue, the characters, the plot progression, everything was fantastic. I'm sure I could have enjoyed this more if I knew more about BTR, but sadly, I don't. Other than what I'd said above, I don't have anything bad to say about this story, so well done!

    And also, good luck in the contest! :)
    In My Dreams, chapter four? :)
    August 13th, 2011 at 04:47am
  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

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    My five parts in this review will consist of the layout/title and chapters 1-4 with emphasis on 4.

    Layout/title
    I like the banner. It fits to what you want to write. It fits with the overall message of the story. I also like the title In My Dreams. It has this mysterious and exotic feeling to it. Also its a song by the rock band Dokken. Just saying. Well onto chapter 1.

    Chapter 1

    It feels like its missing something. Idk. I mean they suddenly go from. You never see them to being all buddy buddy again? It feel like you should have eased slowly into that and explained what happened for her to get over the tragic event. Unless this is not the future but the past. Idk again I might have gotten it confused.

    I do like how Arin asked Haley to be his girlfriend but again it feels like you are rushing things. Something to think about. Onto chapter 2

    Chapter 2

    Okay you told us what happened with the accident. But still this seems like it should have come first. I like the reference to avenged sevenfold. Considering the fact he will join them later. But I can't comment too much cause of how short the chapter is. Say hello for review of chapter 3.

    Chapter 3

    Ah we see what is probably going to be the part where Arin stops seeing Haley. The way you set it up and delivered it was a punch to the gut. As it should be, because this is never a good time. I also felt sad at Haleys comment to Arin. Onto chapter 4.

    Chapter 4

    What's this? Haley has met someone new? Oh no she didn't! I'm going to say this now. Chris won't last, Arin comes vack and Haley falls in love with Arin again. Its starting to become predictable so if I were you I would throw some screwballs at them. Make it exciting like I don't know what's going to happen. Think Joker in Dark Knight, you never knew what he was planning or what was going to happen next.

    Although I'm wondering how far into the future is this? Because they said something about kids and I'm wondering if they are baby sitting or if they literally have kids.

    Though Chris proposed it will be short lived due to the fact that again Arin will probably be showing up sometime soon.

    I do like the fact that Haley managed to find a new best girl friend after Heather"s death. It shows that she did manage to get over her death and that is always good.

    Overview.

    It is a good story. Though predictable in parts I enjoyed reading it and I'm definitely give a second thought to continue on reading this. I hope you keep writing this and I hope you have a good day. I'm also sorry if this is short but the shortness of the overall chapters led to a shorter review.

    Dawn of Gears I would like a review on chapters 2-7. I don't have enough of them in my comments. Also I don't want any part of the review about the prologue or the layout. Just saying. Also if you could put the review in my comment section on the story. And one last thing. I have really worked hard on the character bios for my story. If you would give. Afew thoughts on that would be appreicated.
    August 13th, 2011 at 05:11am
  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    Summary This can be opinionated, but it was too long for me and got me bored. I don't even know what I read. Short and sweet is always good, especially since it's just a summary. But I guess you're writing it like one of those things that go on the backs of books.

    Chapter Two For the most part, it was pretty well written. I didn't catch any mistakes and it wasn't too lengthy without enough action going on. This is a little hard for me to review though because I'm not really a video game player and I know nothing of this game but the detail you used was good. It wasn't too much or too little and it keep me interested through the rest without dreading for it to be over.
    Chapter twelve of Dream Life. Please comment the summary and layout also. If the Layout looks like a huge blank space, then the title, then you might want to reload the page to get the picture because it's a large file picture.

    Sorry that my review is short, the chapter is short.
    August 16th, 2011 at 07:55pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    ^ Claimed.
    Okay, I did what you asked and I tried to reload your story several times but your banner/picture still didn't show up. :/ I don't want to be hasty with my judgement and say your layout is plain, as I'm sure your layout would be a lot better/enticing if I could see the picture so I'm just going to leave it at that.

    As for your summary, it's a poem type thing, and if I were to be honest, I'm not fond of poems but you did a good job on it. It sets a gloomy sort of atmosphere to your story, and already you get some sort of ghetto/hoodish vibe going on, which I know you intended it to be so kudos on that. It is quite insightful and it shows that kids down in the 'hood want a better chance for themselves in life and yet they're stuck in the slums, looking over their shoulders constantly, living in fear of danger and death.

    I like the dialogue, it's natural and it's very reminiscent for teenage boys, especially teenage boys who live in those sort of areas. You've already captured the essence of the 'hood, in how they speak, their actions and their inner monologue. I also really liked how you manage to show how desperate some of the guys are to get into Camillo's gang, some even going to desperate measures such as killing people. It's scary to think that people would do that in real life, but it's a harsh reality, that people would kill to join a gang, in order to feel protected or just to feel important, and as if they belong for the first time in their lives. I don't know why, but I giggled when Comillo called the white guy a nigger, it just made me laugh, especially he was ginger and it was so out of context. Aww, it made me sad that Tyrone killed a person, by the way of his thoughts and stuff, I seemed he seemed pretty alright and decent, but ehh, I guess he thought it was essential for survival. And aww, by just looking at Tyrone and his mother's dialogue, it's obvious they don't get along without you explicity saying so. I wonder why Tyrone's father has a court date, it really makes me wonder. The introduction of characters such as Diana randomly coming into the chapter confused me, but that's because I haven't read the whole thing, obviously. Your chapter was long, but it was well-written and full of details, detailed enough to pique the reader's interest and make them know what's going on, without being too detailed that it bores the reader. You have a clear, strong, eloquent writing style and your sentences flow with ease, well done. :)
    Please review Dreaming with a Broken Heart. You don't have to review the whole thing, a couple of chapters would be fine and please post it in my comment section. :3
    August 17th, 2011 at 11:22am
  • outtahereyall

    outtahereyall (150)

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    82
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    United States
    story comment:
    i'm not a fan of the banner much at all; it seems very pixely and awkward to me. though, the fonts are really awesome and i love the fill for them.

    the summary is simple enough and makes you feel llike it's gonna be one of thsoe really cute, girlie reads that you'd pick up while you're tanning and snicker at behind your hand. also, oak hill? that's the name of the hospital i was born in :P

    o1.

    whoa, the description in the first chapter, first line is way too much in my opinion. the silk black Diane von Furstenburg wrap would read better, because otherwise it's sort of leaving the reader like, uh, what? also, your comma seems to be misplaced; you'd want it between 'body' and 'even though.' reading aloud the story before posting helps catch those bits, :P

    that final sentence made this chapter for me so far. it's hard to have people realize that you've grown up, and you're not the same child that you used to be. as you get on with the chapter, the description is far better in my opinion. it flows more naturally and i'm having an easier time understanding what you're saying.

    oh, that final line makes me curious. why are they so shocked? i mean, the friends fell out, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't call them your best friend still. i haven't talked to a few friends of mine much lately at all, but i still call them my best friends.

    o2.

    Your wording definitely gets better now and gets it to be more clear. it's very stepford wives esque, i'm noticing, and mrs. van der smet is awesome. i love how she's got no problem with humoring her daughter, showing that she's not shallow at this point of their age if she grows to be like mothers often do in stories like these, and your child-characters have brilliant interactions. very believable, which is sort of hard to do with kids, oddly enough.

    i love how adrienne sort of shoves trish aside. fits with a bossy personality well; i know that i often do that myself and i know that it hurts my friends. i do my best to make it better, of course :P . i hope adrienne doesn't do it consistently and push her away entirely.

    AWWW, JASE AT THE END! Perfect, oh my god, perfect.

    o3.

    you can sort of tell that adrienne is going to be the driving force behind the friendship, keeping them all together in the worst of times and often pushing them apart. i'd guess lillian would be like second in command at that point, then trish, then jase. or maybe jase then trish. the idea of the pact is awesome and pretty much exactly how kids would handle something like that, and awwwww at jase wanting to hang out with the boys more than the girls! very typical and you're really very good at writing kids. i'll probably tell you that fifty times or so, sorry XD

    !!! at lillian not being able to remember unhygenic. i'm guessing she's always going to be trying to impress her friends or something of the sort?

    o4.

    jase broke my heart this bit. a dysfunctional family, i'm guessing that's why jase moves away to live with the parent that leaves? it's sort of the impending divorce situation here, haha. he understands a family dynamic and i can't believe he thinks that it's his fault. it's definitely not, definitely not this little kid's fault :( it's the parents having an issue and not him~ D:

    o5.

    the quote is an interesting way to introduce the chapter; i'm curious as to who she said that to, like if it was her mom or a friend or her diary. ugh, bitchy tweens. trish is trying to fit in, trying way too hard, and adrienne sort of seems to be the voice of reason here even though i sort of feel like she's going to be part of the issue later on. aww, jase is gonna be the object of affection (duh, i knew that from the summary already) and i sort of like the idea of trish with him; shwos that the initially pretty girls don't always get what they want. because i don't know if adrienne and lillian are going to be pretty by the end of this.

    AHHH OH MY GOD WHAT A PRECIOUS FIRST KISS. THAT IS SO PERFECT, OH MY GOD. I'M DYING LAUGHING A LITTLE OH MY GOD. lmfao

    that was so perfect, everything that could've gone wrong went so wrong and oh my god i'm still laughing at that. and then the screams suck oh my gdfhfdgkjshgkf i'm going to hit his parents. it's not okay to put on a front like that when you can pretty much assume that your kids aren't idiots and they know that something's really going on. c'mon, parental units, get it straight before i punch you in the face :/

    o6.

    i like the idea of the quote. it's nice.

    I love her mom, haha, she's really that adorable. i feel like adrienne's gonna end up having the best home life out of them all, i dunno. and she has a crush on jeremy too, that's gonna be fun. it's gonna wreck the friendship, i bet, that sucks. the hobo was perfect lmfao i'm doing that this year because i'm too lazy to make a costume; either that or i'm going as a clumsy hooker.

    jeremy is awesome. trish is cute with her hesitance to do the spin the bottle - hell, i still won't play that, though if someone initiates it with rotc this year i might for the hell of it since none of them are too creepy - and adrienne is cutely ballsy.

    JASE GDFKJGHDFKSJG YOU ARE SO MEAN LET ME GIVE YOU HUGS AND COOKIES BBY <3 i love adrienne even though she's coming off a little bratty and shallow. she remains adorable in my eyes. i want to know more about lillian, though, she's interesting and i want to know how she's going to play into the story more.

    overall
    you've got the makings of a really cute story- i don't have the time to review the entire story because i'm heading off to bed in half an hour, but you've got a great plot and really awesome characters. the flow of everything works nicely, and i don't see any grammar issues or areas that don't flow well often. nice work :D
    -

    round here please :)
    August 22nd, 2011 at 01:54am