Story Review Thread

  • Takanori Matsumoto.

    Takanori Matsumoto. (150)

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    So I was looking at the Story Review Thread when I saw the title of this one-shot, and I clicked the link out of a weird kind of instinct. I wrote a four-shot inspired by this exact same song about a year ago, so I started reading, wanting to know what you'd done with it (and I should also note that the Counting Crows acoustic version has been on loop this entire time.)

    And it made me smile when I saw that you'd written a fairly literal interpretation of the song. I just, I dunno, I love the way that you set it up. All of the little details from the song jump out at me because I've heard it a million times, but the way you've written this makes it not necessary to know a thing about it because it's just amazing like that. I just love that Maria is nervous and quiet and shy and timid and she's just overall a very well written character.

    I also love that William and Gabe immediately take her in. Something like that is what every new kid in town needs, and there's always that really nice guy (or in this case, two nice guys) that's willing to give a girl a head start. It's nice, and gives a girl hope for humanity, you know?

    Something else that I love is how this isn't written from Maria's point of view. Very easily, you could have made her the narrator and made the entire thing all about her, but instead you have Gabe narrating it. You relate Maria's parents' misunderstanding to Gabe and William's life together, and that's incredible. I love that you give history instead of simply shipping the two together, giving them struggle and parents that aren't completely thrilled. I love that you've given it substance, and I love that Gabe and William have this sort of instinct to protect Maria because they're not positive that her parents will come around the way William's mother did.

    And one of my favorite bits of this story is actually a paragraph and the first sentence of the next:


    “No one’s really that normal anyways,” William stated one night, his hand smoothly pulling out the carton of milk. I adjusted the bunny ears on the TV before we all crowded on that tiny, faded yellow plaid couch, eating a dinner William had picked up earlier that night from his mother’s. We stayed up all night that time – Will and I did, anyways; Maria fell asleep across our laps about four and we didn’t have the heart to wake her – and talked. We tried our damndest to understand where she came from in the easy glow of late night TV then, but for some reason it was just the hardest thing to fathom.

    Then, we realized we could relate to the lack of acceptance.


    Something about that speaks volumes to me. I love how they've just accepted her into their lives and have been taking care of her like she's an adopted daughter of sorts. It's a comforting notion, that she has someone to rely upon so solidly when her family back home is just so shoddy at giving that to her. I also loved the sentence It seemed that, though, Maria’s parents would never admit they were wrong. It gives a very real image of Maria never having support from her family, and even though I love it, the flow of it is kind of off. I think that if you took out the commas and moved the 'though' to the beginning of the sentence, it would be absolutely perfect.

    The conversation between Gabe and Pete is great, too. The way he talks about it, as something that he enjoys and loves even though it can be a struggle, is just incredible, and dang it Juliet I can't find a whole lot of things to criticize because you're so stellar. But this whole thing is just something incredible and very real and just beautiful. I love how these two guys who probably never thought they'd have a girl living in their house just help her and heal her- and can I just say that the way you wrote the last bit kind of broke my heart yet mended it all at the same time.

    It implies so much about this character, and all of this just captures the metaphors and details of the actual song so well. I couldn't see a whole bunch to criticize, which is nice because I love fangirling about great pieces of writing, and I really just loved it (if you couldn't tell.) Some of your sentences did run on, and I think I caught a capitalization error (the word 'she' in the line She whispered to Will at the very end should be lowercase), but it was very easy to overlook that to enjoy the flow of the piece.

    Very well done.
    Cingulomania, please.
    August 22nd, 2011 at 07:16am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    REMINDER: This is not a simple comment swap. The posts left here must be reviews and therefore must include in-depth feedback.

    If you need examples of what are considered adequate reviews, please take a look at these five posts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5.

    Always read through the review left before you. If you think that review does not meet this thread's requirements, do not claim that article. Report that post (and PM an admin) and wait for a response.


    Question: Would it be helpful if we implement a word-minimum for the story reviews here? Respond here.

    Next person claim Takanori Matsumoto.'s story Cingulomania.
    August 23rd, 2011 at 12:00am
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Claiming Takanori Matsumoto's story. :)
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    Story Review Game

    Layout/Summary: I have nothing to complain about when it comes to the layout. The colors all went together perfectly and it wasn't distracting in the least. I guess that it was a little plain but there's honestly nothing wrong with that. I really like how you used song lyrics for the summary; although I'm a big fan of written summaries, sometimes lyrics say more than we can. I'd love to listen to the song that this is based off of but I have dialup so I won't be able to. =/

    Content.

    Right off the bat, I could completely relate to the feeling of being with someone but really wanting someone else. It's such a heartbreaking emotion and you did such a great job at conveying that emotion. I personally loved the following sentence: He finds warmth here, pressed against Yuu's body, and it's the only warmth he's able to get. I love how you showed the real difference here between physical warmth and emotional warmth. I'm not entirely sure why I so enjoyed this but I guess it's just because I've kind of been in the same situation as Yuu; being physically warm for someone but not having any emotional warmth for them.

    I had to reread the first section twice for it to hit me that Kouyou had passed away (or so I think.) Having that in mind, the photograph was really a nice touch; at first, I was confused as to why it was still there but I think that was a very realistic detail to add one, especially if Kouyou has died.

    Honest, the sheer realism of the emotions you put into this is absolutely breathtaking. I could feel just how drained Yuu was, both physically and emotionally; this might sound repetitive but I could just feel everything that they were going through. It's breathtaking how intense the emotions are. Also, I really enjoyed how you went into detail about how their physical life was affected by Yuu's lingering emotions. I've honestly read too many stories that don't offer the real side of sex but this was the exact opposite.

    For some reason, I feel like the ending was a bit rushed. Although it was still beautiful, I somehow feel like there should be a bit more there, like another paragraph or such. Nonetheless, I really liked how you mentioned the cliche aspect in there; the ending was slightly cliche but that didn't stop me from enjoying it. It made me quite happy, to be honest, but I just feel like there could have been just a bit more there.

    I'm not sure if you've went through something along these lines in your own life but it is truly amazing how connected you are to your own characters. They have depth and sheer emotion and it is so obvious that you as an author truly care about them and that this isn't just tripe to you. Kudos on that and really, kudos on this piece. It was beautiful and I wish you luck in your contest. Arms
    Fistfights Can be Romantic.

    And I'm looking for suggestions for a title so feel free to suggest. :)
    August 25th, 2011 at 02:39am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    Audrey T.:
    You said you were looking for title suggestions, I'd suggest not changing it. I actually saw this story on Mibba's main maybe about a week ago and I'd bookmarked it to read later because I found the title really interesting. It certainly wasn't a title I'd seen before and it drew me in. (And I'm happy I peaked in the Story Review thread in time to catch this, otherwise I may have never gotten back to that bookmark to actually read it.)

    So I opened up the link and was pleasantly surprised to see a picture of Matt Smith and Karen Gillian. I love Doctor Who (watched the season premier yesterday) and I think this is the first fanfiction involving them (as themselves or as their characters) ever. I like that the summary is short and simple and to the point, because it really highlights the ridiculous circumstances of the story itself, which makes me want to read more.

    After reading the first full paragraph I thought that the banner photo seemed unfitting, because we're not really talking about “The Doctor” Matt, but the 'real' Matt Smith, the one who would find himself at a part with lots of booze and one that would get drunk and smoke pot in a room inside a party. This sounds more like “Leather jacket and kick-ass boots” Matt and maybe the banner should be a bit more reflective of that.

    I really liked the little tongue-in-cheek moment of this Matt Smith pondering something that's very The Doctor-like, and I liked that it's realistic done by having these thoughts come to him as he's high.

    Matt managed to drag her ungracefully out of the passenger seat and throw her over his shoulder, stumbling under her weight. It wasn't that she was fat or anything but he wasn't exactly the strongest guy in the world and he was quite exhausted. – I really liked this bit here because it's so realistic. I'm used to seeing fanfictions with these (arguably) scrawny guys lifting girls in distress like it's no big deal because it's supposed to appear 'valiant', but I'm always thinking, 'I've seen that guy in pictures, he doesn't look like he could lift anyone without a lot of effort.'

    ...and his unconscious companion to the ground. – Again I liked the bit of cheekiness here, where you're alluding to the show.

    I was a bit disappointed by the end, but only because I wanted to read more; I wanted find out what was next. The link I liked the most about this story was the kind of removed attitude Matt had towards Karen. From your summary, it seems that the two end up together at the end, but from the way he's reacting to her now, there's no hint of that, and I loved that. So often in stories, the guy and the girl meet and even if he's not really into her, there's hints in how he treats her that that's where the story is heading. Maybe he looks at her and thinks she's cute or he remarks on how soft her skin feels or how bright her eyes are, but there was none of that there and I think it works wonderfully for the story and keeps the situation true and real – even if she's gorgeous and perfect, she's drunk and pukey with a bloodied broken and probably smells awful now which certainly isn't going to be appealing to a stranger.

    I also like the small details you fixed into the story which showed the kind of person he is and his state of mind in the story. That he stays in her room, instead of maybe going into the living room and sleeping on a couch, and that he chucks his filthy shoes into her clothes heap, instead of maybe putting outside. That he cleaned her face, instead of letting her wake up to a bloody mess, and that he sleeps -upright and uneasy – at the edge of her bed.

    Overall I think this story is really good. I like that the language is a little plain because it doesn't have to be flowery, the situation speaks for itself. I like that the characters aren't romanticized or demonized, they're just people and they react as people do.
    Sweet Love please.
    August 29th, 2011 at 02:22am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    Okay, your opening paragraph immediately drew me in, probably because it uses slang and the launched straight with the word 'and', as if the narrator had been captured mid-sentence and the reader is just thrown into the story without any warning. Interesting way to start, it's probably the first time I've ever seen a story start like that, and I must say, it's very effective. It confused me, but it managed to hook me right in and made me want to read on.

    We fucked, when we used to make love This sentence, while it being very simple and basic, was really powerful and it already shows a relationship falling into ruins, that they were once in love but now they don't feel that passion anymore and probably just have sex or the sake of having sex.

    I like how you show the narrator's desire for everything to be clean and tidy, at how she cleans everything because she feels as she's the one dirtying things. You know, I'm normally not a fan of stories that have run on sentences and that just ramble on and on, but I like the way how you portrayed it. It shows that the narrator is a little unstable and probably very confused right now and yeah, it just works, aha.

    The next morning I wake up to pancake smell and light giggles and rumbling laughter. I think there's meant to be an 's' after the word 'smell'? But I don't know, maybe it's the narrator's voice? Haha, I don't know.

    I admit I was wondering at how the title tied in with the story as Bella's thoughts seemed a little bitter, as she was reflecting on her past relationship with James' and I really liked how you ended the story. Phil's nice and sweet and his love for Renee and Bella is incredibly sweet, and as same with Renee and Bella's relationship and it really linked in with the title (and kudos for mentioning the title in your story, I love it when authors mention the title in their stories!) :D

    I was mind-blown when I realised this was a Twilight fan-fiction. I dislike Twilight but nothing about it reads like a Twilight fan-fiction as you delved into a theme deeper than the whole boy-and-girl-gets-together-and-fall-in-love and it's also devoid of your usual pairings like Jacob/Bella, Edward/Jacob, Jacob/random chick, Edward/random chick and so on, you get the idea. Your descriptions are magnificent and your writing voice is clear, strong and eloquent and your sentences flow with ease. Although, I liked how you used run-on sentences and that Bella kind of rambles on and on, it kindof confused me after a while. Though that's probably got to do more with me than your actual writing style, so that's not really advice to you, aha. You know, you actually managed to portray Bella's emotions perfectly (and you also made her more interesting in the process, thumbs up for you again!) and it is quite reminiscent to how Stephenie Meyer's Bella reacted to Edward's departure and at how Bella kind of goes crazy, it's very similar and I liked how you managed to keep that realism. Anyway, well done :) This was very good, great job! <33
    A Shift in Momentum please and please post the comment in the comment section of my story as well.
    September 4th, 2011 at 02:34pm
  • SomethingLeftToGive

    SomethingLeftToGive (100)

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    I just want to start with how much I love the layout. Before I even read the summary I was intrigued because it was so pretty and unique. I’ve never seen a background like it before which is rare with the small number of layouts usually used around mibba. The gradient on the text is really nice too. The only thing I don’t really like it the picture because it just seems kind of awkward since it’s just a hat with a person’s hand so the picture looks cut off (which actually thinking about it, it might be because my school’s internet is sucking terrible right now). Overall though the layout just seems really peaceful and it honestly just makes me happy to look at.
    The summary is kind of attention-grabbing with the last sentence and it brings up an interesting view on why people don’t appreciate what they have but it doesn’t quite draw me in to the reading. The first paragraph just seems kind of wordy over all (but that’s just my opinion and I like the points you make in it). The gradient quote and the last sentence seem to be almost enough, at least for me, because of the different view it takes on the whole “don’t know what you got till its gone” idea. Only other thing there is when you say ‘resuming on with life’ it seems like the wording is a little awkward, like maybe it should be ‘continuing’ or something to that effect.
    Prologue:
    I loved this beginning! It all seems so sad for the mourners but the narrator seems almost detached from it all and I really want to know who she is to Grace. She’s already separated herself from Grace’s friends and the group of guys. The only person she seems connected to is him but he isn’t actually there until the end. Everything in the chapter was so descriptive and I love that I can actually picture the scene happening. I just really want to know more about this entire situation and who these characters are. I like that the sentences tend to be complex and descriptive but at times the amount of commas seems a bit distracting because they don’t always seem to fit. “As he shoved his hair out of his face, she could see his ice blue eyes were unfocused, as if he had too much to drink, and they were rimmed with red”, for example, I feel like the first comma shouldn’t be there. There’s a couple other areas where they don’t quite fit but other than that I didn’t see any mistakes.

    Chapter 1:
    Starting out with the name Caroline in chapter 1 and not using a name in the prologue confused me a little. I actually went back to read and see if I had missed a name the first time. I like that the first chapter starts at the beginning but readers still already know the eventual outcome of Grace’s life. I really want to know if Parker is him or not. This chapter has the same large amount of commas as the prologue (though I can’t really criticize that because I do the same thing). When Paige is talking about listening to the music on Parker’s iPod she says onto his iPod and it just is a little awkward with the wording. This is more of a personal thing but for some reason Paige’s character seems kind of irritating already (but that could be how she’s supposed to be portrayed and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just something I noticed).

    Chapter 2:
    I’d just like to start with I love Parker. Anyone who sets off a firecracker in a ritzy development is just amazing. He seems reckless and crazy but at the same time he seems like he has a genuinely good heart. I like that he notices the dramatic change in Caroline when Grace comes out to talk to him and I feel like it’s just her being protective of her best friend even if she does have feelings for him. I didn’t really see any errors or anything in this chapter. Overall I really like this story. I feel like it has a lot of potential to go in so many directions and I’ll definitely continue reading it=] Just work on the commas and it’ll be even more amazing.
    Trapped merci
    September 9th, 2011 at 02:36am
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Hey.

    I like the summary. Makes me feel curious as to what the plan is and how things will go down.
    Only thing is, on the last sentence "But when its two against the world, is there any chance of victory?"
    I feel that "from" should be used rather than "of" as it sounds a bit awkward. Might just be me.

    Chapter One
    In on a non-kiss up sort of way, I'm a say I like how you start this out. Ryker's way of introducing us to his situation as well as the way things flow around him help settle the reader without giving us a headache from information overload. The descriptions are nice, and it all flows well. His backstory of when he was 15 gave the story the perfect feel.

    As for grammar,

    Second paragraph, first sentence:
    His skin was tingling as the blades of air sliced across his skin. There was a time it had made him wince and cringe away but now his skin was tougher or maybe he as.
    Missing a “w” in the last word.

    Second paragraph, last sentence:
    He had no protection from the rapid temperature changes from one room to another and his body still reacted the way it believe it should.
    Not sure if you want to rephrase the last, underlined part or add a “d” to the word ‘believe’ instead.

    Third paragraph, third sentence:
    Now it was only a necessity that, while he hated it, didn’t even have the energy to balk at anymore.
    Alright, so the underlined part sounds really awkward to me. I understand what you mean, but it’s a bit off.

    Third paragraph, fourth sentence:
    Sometime during the last two years the time under water had lengthened into ten minutes and stepping into the air blades took another five.
    A comma should be after the word “years.”

    Third paragraph, last sentence:
    Through the chemicals the Cleaners had shoved into the water all of his potential diseases were burned away and the dryers ensured any germs left were fully obliterated.
    Rewrite? I had to reread this sentence. Again, I could grasp the meaning, but I think there’s a mix of too many words and awkward phrasing.

    Fourth paragraph, first sentence:
    Finally the buzzing that had overtaken his mind stopped though the sudden silence left his ears ringing.
    Two commas needed here. One after “finally” and another after “stopped.”

    Sixth paragraph, first sentence:
    His eyes were the large, almost disproportionately so, and a warm chocolate color that complimented his shaggy mocha hair perfectly.
    When describing Marcus physically; the underlined word can be left out.

    Sixth paragraph, third sentence:
    Once his profession was revealed they became even more enthralled and Ryker had lost count of the women Marcus had taken home to their shared apartment.
    A comma should be after “revealed.”

    Seventh paragraph, second sentence:
    As they spoke Ryker pulled on a pair of jeans and a loose tank top.
    A comma should be after “spoke.” Secondly, guys don’t usually wear “tank tops” but shirts called “wife beaters” as the former is a term for female clothes.

    Eleventh paragraph, last sentence:
    They both had made Ryker’s 15-yar-old heart race and his stomach clench.
    Minor spelling mistake, 15 “year” old.

    During the flashback:
    When talking about a school, the term is “principal,” when talking about one’s beliefs it’s “principle.”

    Seventeenth paragraph, Quick question:
    Marcus calls him "Zane" is that a mistake or will there be a reason later on? It left me confused, as I thought we'd jumped from Ryker's perspective to someone else, some random imposter named "Zane." ;P

    Those guards, and the horrible rules for Marcus, Ryker, and the others in that lab. I'm rooting for the revolutionaries to win this battle. I doubt I'm alone. The relationship between Ryker and the elf, labeled number 9015, should be very entertaining. I have nothing against this story. Honestly, it's written so well and seems planned out. Ryker's pretty much my favorite character so far, but that might change if the elf doesn't disappear and continues to be one of the main characters...

    The way you ended this chapter is beautiful, but horrible for the reader -I want more ;]
    I'd like someone to give A Demon's Only Wish a glance. With the summary and the first chapter, it stays under 1,000 words so it's not too much work Wink

    Please leave comment on story as well. Please?
    Thank you Smiley
    September 11th, 2011 at 04:28am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    Even though your banner isn’t extravagant and fancy like a lot of the banners you see on here, it still managed to catch my attention with the man’s golden, gleaming eyes which look quite demonic and I’m guessing he’s probably portrayed as the demon in the story. xD

    I’m liking the summary a lot too, again it’s nothing flashy but it still manages to capture my attention in how you mentioned she screamed after the “dream”, it immediately captures the reader’s attention, they’re dying to know what happened to her and who, or what, the man is in her dreams.

    Wow, to be honest, after seeing the strange, chilling banner and reading the equally chilling summary, I was a little taken aback that the first chapter seemed so…normal. But then again, in horror movies and stuff they always start off relatively normal before all the crazy, wacky stuff happens which I’m probably presuming would happen in your story, aha. But I’m probably jumping to conclusions so I’d leave it at that and get commenting. Aww, I feel bad for George already. He has a nice and simple life, married and peaceful, and you get the feeling he’s sick of the mundane business of his life and it seems like he’s really against the marriage, as you mentioned he started getting really uncomfortable during the exchanging of vows, I wonder why :O Hmm, I’m starting to get all these weird conclusions, Alice seems like she’d play an important part in the story, I wonder what her role in this is and what George and Meg are gonna tell her, I’m most curious and I love that it’s just the first chapter and you’ve left me with all these questions and got me thinking which is great since you’ve already captured the reader’s attention then and would most definitely compel the reader into reading on!

    You have a very eloquent writing style, it’s not overly flowery and detailed, it’s nice and simple and to the point and this story was pretty well written! I did not spy any grammatical or punctuation errors, good job :D

    PS: I apologise for the incredibly short review but you only just had one chapter and your chapter was short so yeah.
    A Shift in Momentum please and please post the comment in the comment section of my story as well.
    September 22nd, 2011 at 02:05pm
  • chrissie.marie

    chrissie.marie (100)

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    (I only have time to do three chapters, but I promise that I will eventually read the rest. tehe )

    Layout: (I know that layouts don't have much to do with the story itself, but I had a few comments on it nonetheless.) To start off, I absolutely love your banner. It's very simple while still managing to catch my attention, and I adore it. It also fits pretty well with the rest of your layout (although, the birds in the sidebar don't seem to fit...).

    Summary: As for your summary, I thought it was nicely written. It was great that you started off in a very general and broad way and then applied what you said specifically to your characters at the end. However, I don't think that "resuming on with life" is correct; actually I think it's a little redundant. I would consider trying to reword that because right now it's a little awkward and distracting. I also have to say, though, that I loved the pretty quote that sort of surrounded the main text of your summary. It has a really nice stylistic effect.

    Chapter One: I feel like you managed to capture the essence of a funeral so well in this first chapter. The reader is thrown right into the action, right into the midst of a heavily emotional event. I think you did a good job with this. I've gone to my best friend's funeral (she, too, was seventeen when she died) so this chapter really struck me emotionally. I think that'a testament to how vividly you managed to capture the essence of the emotion that your character is going through. I also liked the air of mystery in that neither of your main characters have been mentioned/introduced by name yet in the story, itself.
    Just a few edits, though. "She looked away from the mourners to the podium where a dark, perfectly polished black casket laid at the front." This should be "lay."
    "Her heart wrenched, was he not there ........She could never tell with him, he was unpredictable.........Her heart jolted, it was him" You should replace the commas in both of these sentences with either a semicolon or a period.

    Chapter 2: Oooh, flashback. This was really nice. It took me a little bit to realize fully that it was a flashback. At first, I thought Caroline was just being really rude and unsympathetic about Grace's death... then I realized that it hadn't happened yet! "You so totally have it bad for Mr Parker I’m-Not-Over-Grace-Harper-So-I’m-Wallowing-In-My-Self-Pity Levlin.” This line made me giggle. I feel like Paige is going to serve as comic relief throughout the story, which is nice. Overall, I thought this chapter was a really good introduction to the story's current events.
    "Caroline cleared her throat which immediately got Parker’s attention, but she just looked straight forward as if it was just something she did on a regular basis. Now she finally had his attention." This paragraph seems a little redundant.
    The comma thing that I mentioned in the review for the first chapter seems to be a consistent issue. I would really look into that, were I you.

    Chapter 3: "Parker was lying. He was over Grace Harper, no matter what anybody thought." This first part, the very introduction to the chapter, confused me a little. (This might just be me, though, thinking a little bit too far into the whole thing.) I thought Parker DID say that he was over Grace. How, then, would he be lying? Did you, perhaps, mean that he wasn't lying? (Or is there something that I'm missing?) The little firecracker stunt that Parker and Caroline pulled in this chapter was adorable, and it really highlighted their relationship. I feel like the reader can easily see how good of friends they are. Another good chapter. Still, watch the comma thing, though, and keep writing. I've subscribed! Cute
    Please review Sanctuary and post the review on the story comments' page, as well. It only has one chapter (since it's brand-new), so if you could review the layout and whatnot as well, it would be greatly appreciated!
    Thanks in advance! Arms
    October 14th, 2011 at 01:16am
  • spacejunkie

    spacejunkie (100)

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    You asked for a review of both the story and the way it's presented, so I'm going to focus on the layout first, before talking about the one chapter you have up. I think you've done a great job with the banner, although I don't recognise the girl in the picture (I'm assuming at this point that she is a new character), I can vaguely make out Hogwarts castle there, which tells me where this is going. Your text size and font are also fine, and this is very easy on the eyes, for which I am thankful.

    My one suggestion with the layout is that the background is a little plain, and if I were you, I might change it to a texture that matched or complimented the banner more effectively. Alternatively, you could go for a pattern that was more Hogwarts-themed, or at least put me in mind of a gothic castle, since you have that in your banner. The current background is just a white silk that seems to refer to nothing in particular.

    On to the story itself, I think the opening paragraph sets the stage well. I don't object to anything you're saying here, although I think you could polish your expression a little more. Your use of the word 'time' twice in the first sentence is a little repetitive, and sometimes your over-long sentences call for a semi-colon rather than strings of commas. I also think that the 'And' is unnecessary, and that starting a sentence with 'And' is undesirable when you can help it. Here, you could just start with, 'As'- we know how this sentence links to the previous one without needing to be told.

    I love the first sentence of your second paragraph, in which you describe Evingar. It's a long and wordy sentence, but it sort of works, because it's such a focal point for attention. The sentence that follows it, however, confuses your point a little. Was 'the opposite' just that he had too much to worry about, or not enough food as well? Why? I would appreciate a quick explanation here, not necessarily giving away too much, but stating enough of the basic facts that I can move on as a reader without too many begging questions. Because this goes to premise rather than a twist you're saving up for later, I don't think too many questions are something that you want to raise this early on.

    The following paragraphs progress well enough, and I particularly enjoyed the image with the dancing sunlight. For me, imagery is what brings a story to life. I only wish that you had established more of a setting with the Wizards' Council. They sit at a table, but where is it? In England? Is it only English wizards who are invited? Or is this a more generally European thing? Is the table in a castle, or in somebody's house, etc? Tell your audience what you have in mind, because these details can really affect the way we see that scene, and also place your characters in context.

    In terms of imagery and description, I think I might also have liked more description of the witches and wizards at the table. For instance, what does Helga Hufflepuff look like? She's a pretty important character, and so I want to have a good picture of her in mind- I don't think you should rely too much on the prior art of Harry Potter to dispense with this, since she only makes minor appearances in that series. Even if she was well-described in the books, a bit of an accentuation of her features or manner here could really demonstrate that she is acting in character, and make it more authentic.

    Despite all my criticisms, however, I do think that you've done a nice job of this. I feel pretty fortunate to have gotten it to review, when I could have ended up with anything. I also think the fact that you have made a trailer for it is pretty cute.

    Best of luck writing the rest of this! I'm sure you will find many a follower.
    No Room For Ghosts, please?

    Could I also have the review posted on the comments page?
    October 14th, 2011 at 10:34pm
  • Kurtni

    Kurtni (10125)

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    The summary of this story is efficient, but as a read I do not find it compelling. I always advise authors to write their summaries or abstracts in the same narrative voice as their story when they can. It’s always more intriguing to readers.

    I think your establish an almost gothic Noir esque tone to the story through your description of the city and how consuming it is.That imagery is one of the strongest points of your writing and I would consciously be aware of that when writing future chapters so you can continue to use it.

    “Progress overlooks no nook or cranny in its crusade against redundancy. “
    I’m not sure that “redundancy “

    Is redundancy right word; that’s not the image you set up. Maybe instead, a crusade for modernity? Or a crusade against nostalgia? I think something synonomous with that fits with the preceeding paragraphs. This introduction sets the tone for the rest of the story in a lot of ways, you want to nail the diction.

    I was surprised, pleasantly surprised, to see this story utilizes a first person narrator. Initially, it reads like an omniscient third person because of the detail. This leads me to think there will be a lot of mental action in the story and continuing detailed descriptions. That being said, you spend the majority of the first chapter establishing the setting, which is fine, but the same detail is not given to the main character. We don’t have a face to put to the character.

    I enjoy in chapter two how you draw a contrast between the coldness of the city and constructions, and the “unspoiled” nature of the water and beach. That landscape is a great place to enter the idealistic girl Leanna. Again though, the story has been continuing for some time with vague description of Harvey, and we immediately get a grasp on Leanna. That seems unbalanced.

    This story is strongly built on gothic imagery initially, and I think the tone wavers in the dialogue. Leanna seems to be outside of this gloom, but Harvey isn’t. His dialogue doesn’t match what little idea we have of his character.

    The transition between landscapes in chapter three seems awkward. So much detail was put into the city, that when we reach the house and gardens, it seems so vague and as a reader we're not entirely sure where we are. You clearly have an eye for detail, so I would revise those sections so that the reader can imagine what you do.

    I read the first three chapters of your story, and my main critique is characterization. I think in later chapters, you begin to use Leanna as more of a device to illuminate your main character, but you have opportunities before hand. Give us a memory about the country and life there. Have him share a ghost story. You can use the narrative time of an analepsis to reveal your character’s age and also more personal details about their past, and how they came to be in this city. You want to compel your reader to be inquisitive about your protagonist.
    Claimed.

    http://stories.mibba.com/read/375463/Thursday-Morning-Tea/1/
    November 2nd, 2011 at 11:16pm
  • Pier in the Sky.

    Pier in the Sky. (160)

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    The summary is short and to the point and it works wonderfully. It gives what the story is about but at the same time you have to read to find what about the past is haunting him so. I am not a big fan of the layout that you have chosen to use for this story, though. I think it is the color of the title and links that throws me off. The rest of it is mellow colors, whereas the other two font colors are bright. Yes, they are a shade of purple like the rest, but I think you should have gone a few shades darker rather than brighter. For the chapter title I wouldn't put 'Untitled', just put a variation of 'Chapter One'. It looks more thought out that way. Having it left as 'Untitled' makes it feel like you are unsure of the chapter yourself.

    My favorite part of the entire story is this section:
    The kitchen to Hans almost seemed foreign now. When Hans thought of his kitchen, he imagined frying pans searing and something doughy in the oven rising, and Linda singing along to whatever burst from the radio. Her voice was akin to the sound of metals scraping against each other, not that this mattered to Linda. Still, Hans loved listening to Linda sing, and enjoyed the simplicity of sharing stories across the breakfast table.
    This is how I imagine love to be. You nailed a couple madly in love perfectly. Her singing around the kitchen sounding absolutely horrible and him enjoying it, it's a magical moment for me. Maybe it's because I'm a true romantic at heart. It is just an adorable part and I feel like if you were a fly on a wall in a house of a couple, this is what you would see.

    There were a couple spots where you forgot to space out the paragraphs, I would go back and change that just to make it look more... finished. I also feel as if you used his name a little too often throughout the chapter. Replace 'Hans' with adjectives that fit. Just so it doesn't seem repetitive.
    Dum Dum Boys
    November 3rd, 2011 at 07:10pm
  • Out There

    Out There (100)

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    I’m actually super glad I chose to review this. Exactly the sort of thing I feel like reading right now.

    Summary, Layout, Title
    Perfect title, perfect song. I’m listening to the playlist whilst I write this to give me a better idea of the tone/direction you want from the story. Dum Dum Boys has both the bleak atmosphere but the kind of… glorification of the lifestyle in the story too.

    At first glance your summary looks a little too cluttered. In my opinion I’d take out the gradient out of the quote and the way it changes positions, just keep it simple, so it speaks for itself.

    Good layout though. Simple and the banner is great. Definitely prepped me for the kind of story I was in for.

    Content
    Your writing style is just right for this. No flowery adjectives or descriptions, focused on the important details and the main characters thought processes. I like how it moves the story along, because I didn’t find myself glancing ahead to find out when things got going. If I did have anything to criticise it’d be there’s an element of predictability to it, for example your sentence starts. I'm not saying make it overly complex, I actually hate that, I just feel like a story like this could do with a little more edginess.

    I love your MC. He comes across as very innocent, but his surroundings and situation are in complete contrast to this, but he still retains a kind of childishness, or vulnerability. I adore writers to combine characters like that with drugs and violence and things like that. Creates sympathy without being gushy or over the top.

    The whole thing still has elements of fun (my favourite part was Then we had to make sure everyone believed us so we would make random loud sounds, switch flashlights on and off, stand in the windows then disappear It’s wonderful that in this otherwise miserable lifestyle you’ve depicted, parts like this make it seem not all that bad; fun). But at the same time it’s still gritty and dark. I think I’ve said this, but it’s one of my favourite things in a story, that understated sweetness in what could otherwise have been a depressing read.

    Found it interesting how your MC seemed to refer to anyone who isn’t himself (or Scott) as an animal like kids – creatures, police – pigs, Zeke – beast or stray. It was a nice insight into James’ mind, without being glaringly obvious.

    Feel I need to mention the relationship between James and Zeke. The contrast between James’ anti-confrontational nature and Zeke being instinctively aggressive creates a really nice balance, and I can already see there being some great clashes between them, the changes they’re gonna evoke in each other.

    Minor faults
    What the fuck do you spend your money?” Think you missed out a word there.

    There’s a picture in the middle of the text a couple of times, that you can’t actually see – probably a fault with the layout (or my computer?) or something, but I thought you might not have noticed.

    Overall
    I like it so much. Already feel invested in the characters, who are all distinct. You know what details to leave out without making me feel out of the loop.
    Final note: The playlist is after my own heart, seriously. I’ve always wanted to write something based around Pale Blue Eyes, and I’m hoping reading this has inspired me to get down to it.

    Great job. I haven't said much in the way of criticism because I think whatever kinks you have will be straightened out with practice and perseverance.
    In For A Pound
    December 4th, 2011 at 01:03pm
  • Kurtni

    Kurtni (10125)

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    I think the dialouge in this story is fantastic. It sounds like two people just wasting time in a hotel room, rambling to each other about life and meaning. The tone is very relaxed, but all the same they're talking about something pretty serious- their relationship- and it doesn't come across as petty. You achieved a very nice balance there.

    But, on the other hand, that's really all there is to it- a lot of dialogue. I don't have a good sense of the story world around them. We know they're in a motel, with an interesting ceiling, but that's it.
    Why is it interesting? What does it smell like? Is it cold and drafty, or stuffy? What do the sheets look like? I'd like more physical description in this.

    I know it's fan fiction, and you assume a certain liberty when writing fan fiction that your readers will just know certain things, but there is a lack of detail to the parts that are not dialogue that would make it more interesting to read.
    What are the characters wearing? What are their mannerisms? What are they thinking about that led to this conversation?

    I feel like there is no real conflict in this story. You semi develop one, as they question their relationship with one another, and where they would be, but it's very muted, and if this were part of a lager piece, a reader could brush it off as almost irrelevant. I would advise you to play up the drama. Make them ask each other some hard questions and get emotional- there are a lot of feelings between them waiting to be explored that don't quite make it out in this little snippet.

    I usually don't comment on layouts, but just a suggestion: Since your banner image has a black border, I would square the text up with the image and align the borders, so it looks like one continuous border, rather than two chunky black ones. It would be more steam-lined.

    I think this story is off to an awesome start with such strong dialogue, there are just some narrative gaps that need to be penciled in to make it awesome!
    Rusty
    December 12th, 2011 at 03:00am
  • crazie_biatch

    crazie_biatch (100)

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    The layout of the story is simplistic like a child and the use of white over a brownish pink really makes the writing stand out, making the story legible.

    The banner is what has captivated me the most of the whole layout. The snow, trees and the sun shining through is wonderful. I feel as if you are using some sort of metaphor like the darkness of the tress and the denseness is her injury and the light peeping through is her happiness, her nearing her goal. She is finally able to see the light from out the tunnel.

    Reading this story i felt like i was spiralling backward into my own childhood. I could see my past and remember what is was like to be that little and to not always understand the simplest of tasks like Maths homework.

    You go quite in depth with the story, making sure that readers understand what is truly happening around Emilia, which is excellent. I prefer a story that flows rather than one that has chunks missing.

    Your attempts at finding a child's voice are somewhat lacking in certain areas. The way you describe her dog e.g Rusty’s coat was thick and shaggy, composed of a mosaic of brown and red swirls of fur. mosaic is probably too much of a "grown-up" word in this instance. I would have probably used the term range as it's more of a simplistic word, something a child would know.

    You also use words such a "reciprocals" and "muster" that a child would not understand the meaning of. Although I'm not entirely sure the age of Emilia in this story I gather she is young possibly 6/7. Also in regards to the incident and her acceptance of what happened I find she understood it quite quickly. Again I'm not sure what age she was when the incident happened but to me a child as young as 6/7 would not understand what was happening, even when explained. They would usually be upset and she would wonder why her legs felt invisible.

    In sections you do actually capture her voice quite well, for example when she wakes up excited that her training wheels are coming off her bike that night. It pure childish as children are single-minded and only care about the next exciting event of their lives.

    The graphic details of the events that surrounded her tragic accident are simply inspiring. Emilia's whining over her rain boots and her mother's story telling is marvelous. You really feel like you're there, that you are seeing things first hand. I commend you on that.

    Overall I think this is a wonderful story and I plan to stick around to see how the rest of it turns out. I'm intrigued as to how Emilia tries to move on with her life now that she can't do what all the other kids can.

    P.S I'm only going by how my six/seven year old cousins act and also I'm not sure how old Emilia is suppose to be.
    If you could please review Crushing Music

    Please be nice...hahahaha
    December 20th, 2011 at 02:05am
  • The_Day_Dreamer

    The_Day_Dreamer (100)

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    ^^Claimed. I'll do the first chapter.
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    Personally, I feel like a few of your descriptions are a teeny bit cliche. If I were you, I'd try out a few unconventional comparisons. I've heard music describe the way it is in the intro many times. I'd suggest working on some truly unique imagery.
    --That said, I think the ideas in the first few paragraphs are really something many people can connect with, and therefore likely to attract a large following.

    "There was my dad’s constant abuse over the fact that I was 21 and still hadn't made it in my chosen profession and I especially loved it when he would get physical with me whenever he felt like it, which usually was the minute he saw me."
    --> Often when sentences go on for a bit, you forget how you started. With these long sentences I'd suggest maybe breaking them up, either with a full stop, a dash, or a semicolon. The first half is unsarcastic, but the second half seems rather sarcastic.

    "Welcome to my hell...oops did I just say that no I meant family." Watch your commas :) Also, it's kinda a personal choice, but I rather hate when writers interrupt themselves. If you're going to interrupt yourself, try messing with punctuation. Like, "Welcome to my hell. My mistake, I meant family."

    Again, watch your commas, alright? Use them when the reader is supposed to pause. Reading "Yeah I'm cold I know" isn't as easy to follow as "Yeah, I'm cold, I know."

    Wow. This character has extremely strong hatred toward her mother. I think it would help the reader if you had some kind of flashback to establish this really intense hatred she seems to have. I know you said that the narrator's cold, but jeez, something REALLY AWFUL must've happened for her to be okay with this.
    --That said, super strong emotions like such a strong hatred for someone who's usually really close to a protagonist makes for interesting reading.

    Okay. Lots of really shocking details. Like "My father would find me and more than likely kill me. He threatens me with it all the time, so it's nothing new." A bit of reflection would help I think. Also, try your hand at one-word paragraphs. Imagine how effective that would be if it was its own line! Strong sentences like that really need to have their own space to shine to really shock the reader.

    There's a lot of raw emotion, which I like. It has a lot of pondering-within-the-narrator's-mind, which can be really awesome if it's fine tuned a bit (Check out Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. It's all about a guy who murders someone and goes crazy with guilt and horror.)

    All in all, I think you have potential as a writer. You don't do many of the annoying I'm-writing-my-first-story things many people do, which is awesome. And you take time for reflection, which is also uncommon with new writers.

    Personally, I'm not a fan of non-original-fic, but I completely understand it if it's your first story. I was writing Harry Potter fanfics for a while before I was comfortable enough to write things completely original. But I think when you get comfortable with it, you should consider some really crazy-creative original fic. Parallel-universe is lots of fun. Start out with short stories, I'd say, those are always easiest.

    My main comment would just be to maybe focus a little more on building the background. Just because you tell me that she really hates her family and that her family is toxic for her doesn't mean I can see it. Yay for flashbacks!
    (PS I looked at your profile. And congrats!)
    Alright. Here's the deal. The piece of fic I'm posting is very... imagery based. I used to only write stuff that was things-happening, but now I'm trying to stretch my borders of imagery. Plus, I'm actually a poet, so prose writing is a bit unfamiliar. So I want commentary on that, my imagery; therefore please no "Why is nothing happening?!" I know nothing's happening. This is a short story, imagery-based style. And, well... I like words that taste/sound good. You'll understand when you read it.

    Read please. It's called Watercolor Daydreams.

    Thank you :D
    January 25th, 2012 at 12:34am
  • eight letters late.

    eight letters late. (100)

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    This is beautifully written and it was a delight to read. I found myself being sucked in, leaning closer to my computer screen, and then backing away and realizing where I was. It was really great in that aspect, where I just wanted to keep reading, and not a lot of people can write like that. Even though technically nothing really happened in this, you still managed to give it that page-turning aspect.

    I love your imagery, especially at the beginning of the first chapter. "She hated her walls. She had spent years sweating hard at building them, years churning the cement made of her own beliefs." This was one of my favorite lines.

    I like how the writing style and the content kind of go hand-in-hand. The way you wrote this, with the color and the imagery is perfect for the content - a girl getting lost in her own mind. To me, it really emphasized how a person's mind works, how it's not straight to the point and how we think of things in pictures and images and memories, but how it's not really tangible. The part with the clocks and death. Is this making any sense? Your imagery is very good, and I wish I had your talent!

    However, I thought this sentence sounded a little off: "Death is the missing puzzle piece you hid so you could finish the puzzle, then lost." Firstly, the use of second person, when the rest of the paragraph is in third person. I realize it's a general you and everything, but it messed with the flow for me a little. Also, the "then lost" part, tacked on at the very end. It just sounds a little weird, and I had to read that sentence over again in order to understand what you were getting at there.

    I like this girl's take on death. The way you described it made it seem like just an illusion, kind of, or like something completely different than we thought it was.

    "She snatched at them, and missed." Here I wasn't quite sure if "them" was the shoes or the childhood memories. I think it was the memories, because you used the word snatched with them, but you might want to consider clarifying that a little. It's obviously a very minor issue, I know, but I'm trying to be as helpful as possible, and it's hard when this was so good!

    I really like the connection that the bear had with everything. I never would have thought to do that, just from that picture.

    "...its hopeless begging, its knowledge that he would never return to its owner..." I think that "its" should be a "his."

    "She ignored him, because she would rather have a corpse than lose this last piece of something." I feel like you should have a different word in place of "something." I can't really think of anything, so I'm not much help I guess, but "something" just seems really vague and not descriptive enough, compared to the rest of this.

    I thought the imagery in this was wonderful, and it really portrayed out you can get lost in your own thoughts, and in memories, and how sometimes it kind of eats away at you. Good job, really. (:
    Lost in Space, please!
    The chapters are short and it's completed, so I would really appreciate if you read the whole thing. I just want to know what you think of it as a whole. The little stuff is good too, but mostly I just want to know if it's any good, and if the themes and concepts come out clearly.
    January 25th, 2012 at 05:09am
  • Pier in the Sky.

    Pier in the Sky. (160)

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    Layout and Summary;;
    I absolutely love the background that you have used with this layout. It gives it texture and personality, I already find myself being drawn into it by just one simple look. The border that you have chosen to use also goes very nicely with it all. I love the stark contrast between the two backgrounds. All the text colors you have chosen to use are magnificent, though I am not one-hundred-percent fond of the link color. The three sections of text you have are very nice, but I am not quite sure they go together. They give you three separate ideas of what the story could be about.

    Content;;
    Let me just start off by saying that I don't usually read band-fic's and I have absolutely no idea who John O'Callaghan is. With that said, it really did not matter at all with this story. You had me completely immersed into this reality by the beginning of the second chapter. The way that you have written the story makes me feel like Mollie was sitting right next to retelling the tale of that night. I couldn't spot one mistake in the entire thing and it flowed wonderfully. I also found myself relating tremendously with your Original Character. Y'know that overused, melodramatic line people say about songs? It's like ____ read my diary? Reading this story was kind of like that for me. I am nineteen years old, almost a year out of high school and I still have absolutely no idea what I am going to do for the rest of my life. And I feel like I need to hurry up and figure it out and stop wasting time because life is passing me by. But what should I do? Go to college and waste money trying to discover myself when I have no fucking clue who I am? In the end it was kind of like a free therapy session for me. One that I absolutely loved. But I guess I should try and find something negative to say. Even though I loved the way you broke everything up, are you sure that it was a necessary writing tool? This may be just one of those 'pet-peeves' I have, but I hate it when people stop a chapter just because. And that is kind of what it felt like when I came to the end of some of the chapters. That really is the only negative thing that I can say about the story itself. Like I have previously stated, I loved it. It was a spectacular read, hon.
    Night World
    January 25th, 2012 at 08:43pm
  • Kurtni

    Kurtni (10125)

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    I’ll start this off by saying I know nothing about Vampire Diaries, so this is coming strictly as a literary critique, not from the fandom!
    Prolouge

    I think this gives your readers a good footing to navigate your story world, though it is a little heavy and a lot to take in. One thing I would like is more specific details, rather than abstractions. For example, instead of saying “one type of farming animal” or “one type of weaponry,” give us an example with imagery.

    The ending description of Miss Wormwood is great, and makes her sound like a very alluring and exciting character.

    The Woman

    “The darkness of the receding night cloaked everything in a sinister darkness as the smell of approaching dawn wafted through the cool, crisp air. “

    Wow, talk about an opening line! I love it, aside from using the word “darkness” twice. Maybe try blackness/void/abyss to add some variety.

    You do a great job of establishing setting in this chapter, by mentioning little things like the position of the wardrobe in Charlotte’s room.

    I will say I don’t like the changes in perspective. They come across as very abrupt and give the story a disjointed flow, and the timelines in each perspective don’t align, so it’s very confusing. (ie, Charlotte is just waking up, but Damon is under a full moon.) And then, there are also breaks in the story where the perspective doesn’t shift at all, it’s just a gap. I think it would be better to devote a chapter to each perspective, rather than switching back and forth in the midst of one chapter.

    The end of this chapter is artfully done, because you create such a contrast between the happy mood when they plan on training, and the very dismal mood by the end when the vampire attack victim has been discovered.

    The Gate
    You have a historical interjection in the middle of this chapter, about the Crimson Creek. It breaks away from the narrative voice of the rest of the chapter, and seems kind of odd. It’s necessary information, but it would sound better if it was worked into Charlotte’s narrative somehow (maybe her dad finally gives a little on how much he shelters her), because as it is now, it’s an information dump.

    “Oranges and purples slowly began to overtake the sky as the sun began it's descent of the earth. Charlotte watched from one of the windows in the built in library as the celestial body turned a dark golden shade, dancing with a darkening cloud. She had always preferred sunset to sunrise. It was an indefeasible end, the previous day to never happen again. She longed for the future and hated looking into the past. There was nothing to do to go back, so why dwell inside of it, she often thought.”

    I adore this paragraph, not just because it’s very well written, but because it gives a very subtle characterization of Charlotte, all while watching a sunset.

    When the story is filtered through Charlotte’s perspective, I think it would sound better to refer to Amelia as “her mother”, because it sounds a bit awkward using a name, when they have a personal, family relationship.

    In your author’s note, you commented on damon loving Charlotte, and I just wanted to say I didn’t get that feeling. I got that he has some sort of almost primal urge to be near her, it was aggressive in a way, but I think you did a good job of distinguishing that from love.

    The Party

    I like that you kept Charlotte’s mood from the last chapter, angry and kind of jaded, consistent in this chapter. Though, I think her anger about the proposal is a little understated, especially the betrayal from her mother. I was expecting more confrontation and stronger emotions, not just “I don’t like being lied to.”

    The end of this chapter is very choppy; there is a division after just one paragraph and it jumps to another perspective. As a reader, that makes it difficult to get into the flow of the story.
    It’s so tragic that Gregory is such a nice guy, because Charlottee is not interested. It creates a lot of dramatic irony, and it’s very engaging to read about.

    Typos/Grammatical Fixes

    “But on the inside, Wormwood was the perfect little fort. A barrier, set up by the aforementioned witches, kept out all supernatural beings. “
    that kept out…
    “Some say this a fictional tale made up to scare the children. “
    This is a
    “She stilled had that innocence that only a five year old could have.”
    still had
    “The tears had subsided after a few long moments, her throat soar and her body spent”
    sore, not soar
    Sibaal
    Just one chapter so far, but I'm really looking for feedback on setting, and how well/where improvement is needed in this chapter as an introduction.
    February 20th, 2012 at 07:27pm
  • kittenbonez

    kittenbonez (100)

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    Preliminary or First Impressions

    Preliminary sounds much cooler, though, I'm not sureif this is the right context and can't be bothered to google but anyway!

    First off, I'm pretty much psyched to read a story that which I assume is about an adault woman who is not white and 15-19 and I just FEEL. I'm just always looking for new protagonists in settings which I have yet to read and/or experience. So. Yeah. Definitely looking forward to it.

    As for terms of the layout, I don't mind it and I do kind of like it, more so for it's simplicity and the tie-in but, you know, nothing too special but that's not the real thing most folks really want to hear about to I'll kick up and keep on.

    Wow, that sounded country. Anyway.

    The Meat or Content

    First five or six sentences in and I have to say: There needs to be more varied sentence structure, at least when you're doing the same type continuously. They each set a description and are succeeded by a comma, that further describes it – you break off at the seventh sentence and you vary the sentence structure up continuously then so there's not much to say in terms of that any longer but, there are, like, over 40 ways to write a sentence and I wouldn't toil on it too much (I've done that... 20 different types of sentences for one subject) but, you know. It kind of feels like the lines were written at different times, or over-edited but, who knows, who knows.

    To the content, instead of the structure of said beginning paragraph, I like it. You set the scene nicely, but I do wish for a bit more... richness, I don't know. As She's a painter I kind of want to feel that in the narrative and I half-way do but that may just be me. In any case, I like that I could clearly picture everything and when she was talking about her painting tools beginning tools themselves, I just loved it. From this, I got that she was a bit desperate – not in that way, but in the way that she does not have the resources and instead of giving up, she finds a substitute – so, instead of desperate, I guess you could say I mean passionate.

    As it goes on, fourth paragraph, I like the consistency – you thought of a lot, as she definitely would in her position, and you introduce her plight smoothly – it really does feel like it's just an everyday thing for her before breakfast, and, by my own assumption, late at night.

    See, the thing here is, I see that I do not regularly see in other stories, at the very least on this website; everything pretty much flows naturally. It just is and there is no need for explanation so I will hop off that subject and move on to other things instead of congratulating you every time no matter how much I'd like to, haha.

    Oh, but first, a quick grammatical error, very small: simply so, 'Tandoor' is capitalized repeatedly. It's pretty much just a furnace, as you know, so I don't see why it bears special treatment but if you know something I don't, please do share, I've only known of this culture from all following Arab tumblrs and the like. 'Tis all, carry on.

    I believe the setting is done nicely, especially for an introduction, considering, however I do have... concerns, most of what weigh on whether or not you will properly introduce their religion, location, etc, and how so it will be done, in a tasteful and not annoying way or not. For an example, this depiction of her life, while it does note she is, pretty much, to be working at all times of the day, if not sleeping, is that the pure reason she cannot paint freely or is it something to do with pecuilars of her religion/ I'd like that to be a bit more clarified, although, you may mean to do guesswork.

    I do wish this piece were longer but in any case, I'll be bookmarking and following on closely. Lovely job.
    Please do review Jesus.
    March 7th, 2012 at 06:49am