Story Review Thread

  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

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    Okay first thing first fix your back ground colors. I'm sorry but dear god that's unreadable. I almost didn't review this because of it. I would suggest a white or lighter color font. It looks clean, it's a sharp contrast, and it's simple. That would help your story so that the readers don't hit the back button or go to default layout.  Next part. 

    I also really do not like your summary but this really irritates me "for fucks sake, just fuck it". As I'm reading that I already am turned off by your lack of vocabulary. Now if this was a quote from Virgil now okay I could go with that. But obviously it was from you and the only thing running across my mind was that you got mad while writing and just randomly threw that in there. You don't have to cuss. It's alright to use dang or Great Scott!
    Also with your summary please To separate the two try Virgil was a country boy.... And then in a second paragraph rant on how it's a character study. 

    Okay now time for your first chapter. 

    Alright now you use way too many adjectives. I understand the need for description, but you do not need fifty adjectives to describe things. It gets confusing for your reader and hard to remember what things are. Not to mention a lot of it is unneeded. A writing teacher told me when you go back through your work get rid of all of the extra adjectives. 

    As I read on I am noticing that this is vulgar and incredibly dark. You know what I think about vulgarity but not what I think about dark stories. It works. I live dark stories because they often are the kind that will stick to you because like in comic books dark stories get the best writers and the most memorable story lines. though the tale takes a much appreciated light hearted tone towards the end which blends well with the story. 

    Okay characters and then my final things. The grandma. I don't know what to say about here other than she is crazy. Dear lord. Not much else comes to mind. Next person Virgil. He seems very adaptable for his age. It seems like he just fits in anywhere and everywhere. Like he could look natural in jeans and a tank top with a beer in his hands and then look just as fine with a glass of fine wine and a suit on. He seems like a really good character. 

    Okay what I am about to tell you is the worst thing I can tell anyone. It has potential. For you could be there but you aren't anywhere near the end yet. Fix those things I talked about and you will have a good story on your hands. Best of luck. 
    Fear give it a shot.
    March 16th, 2012 at 04:03am
  • dontcallmepuddin!

    dontcallmepuddin! (105)

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    Story Review Thread

    - - -

    Title:
    I like the title, it's straightforward & to the point. I prefer shorter titles, usually no more than five or six words.

    Layout:
    Simply by looking at your layout I'm assuming this is going to be a Batman fic or a story involving Batman somehow. Your banner is amazing, quite gorgeous. I wish the background photo didn't show that it repeats, but other than that it's absolutely beautiful.

    Summary:
    Hmm, so my assumption about this being a Batman was kind of off. XD
    I've never read a Doctor Who fic or even watched the show so I'm interested to see where this goes. (:

    Chapter One:
    To describe accurately one of the most horrifying cities in existence would be impossible.
    I had to reread this sentence because I was confused.
    Maybe try rewording it to, 'To describe one of the most horrifying cities in existence accurately would be impossible."
    Something like that or use less words. That's just my opinion though, you don't have to if you don't want.

    With the extra space the super villains of the world retreated into the dark crevasses and cracks of Gotham.
    You misspelled 'crevices'.

    Creating a war of attrition for heroes and the small meager police force to reclaim the city.
    I don't understand what this sentence means.
    I'm sorry, it's probably because I don't know the definition of 'attrition'.

    The madness of Joker, the brilliance of Luthor, the rhythm of the Master...
    Not sure why, but I really like this sentence. (:

    -From the journal of the Detective
    I don't really like that you puts this here when you're continuing the chapter.
    Maybe you should post the excerpt from the Detective's journal as the first chapter by itself or a prologue & post the rest of what follows in its own chapter.

    TARDIS
    Why is this capitalized?

    His glare causing chills to run up and down the length of the Detective’s spine like a rat crawling through a sewer.
    I really like the Detective so far, but I wish he wasn't so afraid of Batman.
    I don't know, I just imagined him to be tough & not scared of anything.

    Overall:
    The story was definitely interesting. I'm curious to find out what is going to happen. I really like the detective character. He instantly became one of my favorite characters. XD
    I'm utterly clueless about Doctor Who so there are probably some things in the story that I don't understand. Regardless of this, I really enjoyed your story. :D
    A Chuisle mo Chroi. It's a Niall Horan fanfic. tehe
    April 26th, 2012 at 04:25am
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Story Review

    Layout: The background is gorgeous. And the story banner fits really well with the color theme. The spacing was well done and the font isn’t too small. I like how your borders separating different parts of the story mesh well with the background itself.

    Summary: I like how you worded things. You managed to twist a cliché into something that sounds pretty original even though it’s kinda like “duh!” it works because of the tone you set for the story. Leaves me wondering how this is all going to play out.

    Chapter One: The start is a bit confusing to me. I get the rushed idea, so maybe it’s just me, but the beginning sentences
    “You boys ready?” Paul asked, before shoving the five of us on stage.

    “Oh, don’t forget to turn your phones off! That means you, Niall!” he called after us, specifically scolding me.
    leave me feeling awkward.

    I do like how you gave insight to your character and are showing us who he is even though he’s in this band who’s getting so much attention. Especially how you differentiated him from his other bandmates who were calm and posing for the cameras while he tried being like them only to fail and continue being the awkward/shy person he is.

    The set-up is nice. How you got your readers to understand it’s an interview, that there’s a decently huge crowd of people watching them all, and how the different bandmates respond to the simple questions Mary asks. Gives it the feel of something you’d watch on TV while hearing the characters inner thoughts as narration. Very nicely done.

    Niall’s phone going off was humor. The foreshadowing at the beginning makes it perfect and not completely random and out of base with everything else going on. It was interesting to see how Niall reacted when questioned by Mary about the sender of the text, though. Leaves me wondering why he hasn’t asked this person to be with him if he hasn’t or how recent the relationship is if he has. And he isn’t with her…..rude. Ok.

    I like how Niall’s bandmates came to his rescue when Mary started pressuring for more answers. It’s her job, but she saw his weakness and would’ve exploited it badly if his bandmates hadn’t stepped in when they had.

    Conclusion:I didn’t see any grammar or spelling errors, except for that one awkward start I pointed out earlier. It was a brief intro, but it was enough to let us get a feel of the importance of Jax to Niall and remind us that Niall is in fact part of band which plays a decently huge role in his life. The tags are a bit off, saying the person answers before typing their response makes it a bit redundant and pulls the reader out of the story, ruining the flow, so keep an eye on that. But overall, it doesn’t sound cliché at all. To me at least. I hope things go well with this story :)
    A Demon's Only Wish, please.
    May 28th, 2012 at 12:23am
  • jesus christ.

    jesus christ. (105)

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    story review thread.
    layout: i like it, and your banner is pretty legit, but i wish the font in your summary wasn't so big. i'm not 87, y'know?

    introduction: although your detail and writing so far is really good and i didn't see any grammar or spelling issues, i have no idea what is actually going on in this story. Shifty

    chapter one: Demons and Magi’s walked about, the Magi's shouldn't have an apostrophe after the i because that shows ownership, and that's not what you want.

    okay, well. i'm still rather confused, but i do adore your story style. it's so rare to find something well proofed and written now, anyway. if you could offer more detail about the creatures, like i have no idea what a magi is, that would help a lot. my only suggestion is to make this more enjoyable for readers who don't actively set out to read sci-fi fantasy stuff.
    otherwise, this is a great start to this story! i'm liking it so far. (:

    i'm sorry it's so short!
    please review: goodbye to romance.
    June 11th, 2012 at 06:22am
  • thelastpainter

    thelastpainter (110)

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    Commenting on the summary to the second chapter.

    The title, layout and summary:

    I like the title, but at the same time I think it's too...cliche, I guess? It seems like something too general and too revealing about the story, even though it's the title of a song, I don't think works that well even though I like it.

    For the layout...It's too dark, but maybe it's to fit the story? It might be hard for some to read the text with the color of the content background. Also, I think the border on the story layout is a bit unnecessary. Otherwise everything is okay.

    I like the summary. Usually I don't like things that tend to tell more than describe, but you write it well enough that it works for this. How he always buys the last sale of the night and the best is saved for last...It makes sense, in a way, with the topic. It also makes sense why she was saved for last in such a thing, with her being a virgin and "unsoiled" along with being young and pretty. It all makes it seem more real and believable, and I like that.

    Now...onto the first chapter.

    Sold

    Oh...wow. Powerful opening; I like this. How they drugged her...and I guess gave her an injury, because of the pain? Perhaps because she was struggling or some sort, because of being kidnapped?

    Again, I say, you make this seem real and believable. It's one thing I love in stories. Oh...200,000 right away? Then the continuing numbers, bidding higher and higher for her. I wonder how much some of the others went for compared to her?

    The man...Right away I feel a sense of distaste and loathing for him, because of what he says and that he's already aroused. Although, I suspect he might have been that way from the very beginning. Even more loathing as it goes on, how the first guy still wants to go through with it even though they might not have enough time. Because he knows, most likely, that she'll be too afraid to say anything if they do something, and because she's blindfolded and drugged.

    I could, creepily, feel the sensation of when he licked her neck...Maybe imagination...Although I think you could have been a little more descriptive, more of what she was thinking and how he was acting, his actions and movements, maybe.

    I feel bad for her, not only obviously for the situation she's in, but her fear at what they're doing. Makes me want to find a way to get there and rip them apart, aha.

    Oh! So she has a bit of fight. I like that. Also makes her more realistic, and made me laugh because she kicked him right in the ribs. But...he still got her. I was hoping she could have escaped for a bit, but alas those things are less likely to happen.

    Powerful...and realistic. Is how I have to describe this.

    Slut

    I can see it; the see-through nightgown they gave her. Sick, but not surprising that they'd give her something like that to wear.

    God they're both disgusting. At least he used a condom...But that's not out of kindness, probably just not wanting to deal with a potential baby. Good thing, too, I could imagine the things he might do as they child grew up.

    On the line: J leaned over me, a sick sadistic fuck smirk - Maybe take out the word fuck? It doesn't fit and seems just put there for no reason, and I think the sentence would work better without it.

    But the command...He knew she'd stop if he said that, because she's afraid and he knows it.

    I'm just...speechless with the next things that go on. What he did...They're scum, the lowest of the low.

    And...wow. How she got kidnapped. She was already afraid about it happening, having heard about it and then...It happens. To her.

    Aha...The description of the room. It seems like a pimps place, which it might be.

    I have to say, to describe what I've read of this, this was extremely powerful and realistic as I've said. Everything you've describe has probably happened before, as sick as it is.

    Great job, really great job on this. I'll probably read the rest of this later and comment again, if I have the time. I'm definitely recommending and subscribing, though.

    added on: I think you could have used a little bit more description, but otherwise this was written very well and was...just believable and astounding. Your grammar was pretty well, and I didn't notice any noticeable flaws. This was very, very good.
    Review on If We Make Ourselves Mr. Green
    June 11th, 2012 at 04:11pm
  • RhetoricalTendencies

    RhetoricalTendencies (100)

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    Oooh! One chapter and I’m entrapped. Wonderful read. Beautiful writing, paired with a beautiful layout. It really matches. I think of the story in pale blues, pinks, and yellows because it the imagery reminds me of pastel paintings, very beautiful and flow-y. Impeccable grammar and spelling. I enjoyed the dialect, though at times it was difficult for me to understand so I read it aloud and it made sense. Aarsi is an interesting name.

    For starters, the summary reminded me of pregnancy at first, but after reading about the creatures it became apparent that something entirely different was in store for the plot. And the summary still fit very well.

    You have a talent for suspense. Why did she meet that boy there? Why wasn’t she excited? What caused the coldness towards him? And of course, what is the threat and how is she involved with the wolves?

    The environment seemed very lively, and your active word selections were really useful in making the story smooth and easy to read. On a side note: many of my favorite words were present in this story, it was nice to read through and see that. I feel like there are so many questions that I need to have answered from the material at hand. It was just enough to entice and have the reader wanting more and returning for those answers.

    The rainy nature environment appealed to me, in the way it was eloquently described. The brief interaction between this mysterious boy and Aarsi captures me straight away. The subtle feeding of tidbits, but keeping the meat of the situation secret, is driving me crazy trying to discover the possible explanations.

    I get the impression that she skipped school, and maybe that relates to her apprehension to return home. In that case, why did she have to convince herself to stay out? But on the other hand, perhaps it’s much simpler than that even. But then again, maybe it has something to do with the wolves?

    The chapter title “Hatching” is interesting as well. I like how it plays into the summary, and you can tell that something very exciting is about to begin. From the layout picture, I wouldn’t have suspected that the storyline would be headed in this direction. I expected a summer-y teenage romance, but it is something entirely different. Fresh.

    From the level of writing, I can tell that when she “awakens” it is going to be descriptively tasteful and for that I look forward to finding out. This beginning seems to me to be indicative of an original way of telling this fantasy story type. I would like to learn more about Aarsi and hopefully discover some answers to those questions in the following updates.

    Lastly, I like the title. It’s something I probably would have clicked on myself, had I been searching for stories and not on the forum, and a good title is important to get readers’ attentions and something I myself struggle with.
    Please review The Dollhouse
    June 18th, 2012 at 01:25am
  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

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    Okay, so I promised you a review, and here it goes:

    I like your layout, is simple and the colors aren't super bright, which is a wonderful thing. I've seen so many layouts in here that are so disgraceful I couldn't even read the story.

    As for the summary, it is short but very intriguing, it makes us want to read the story to find out what it is about.

    I absolutely love the way you write, all the detail and the words you use, just the way you're able to pull the reader into your story with these amazing descriptions that are detailed but not ever boring. The story itself is mysterious and it reminds me of a Joss Whedon kind of world, for some reason. Maybe you've heard of the TV show Dollhouse? That's what your story reminded me of.

    The only thing I dislike about this is the fact that there's only one chapter, you should so write more, I'd love to see these amazing characters develop furhter more and see them involved in some sort of action. I see this story has immense potential to become something dark yet beautiful. You really should keep writing, even though this is a story it sounded like poetry, it's very very beautfiful and I have this feeling that you read a lot, am I right?

    Kudos on the lovely work, I'm recommending and I hope you continue this story in the future!

    Now here's mine:
    Abyssus Abyssum Invocat
    July 7th, 2012 at 03:10pm
  • tabula rasa.

    tabula rasa. (120)

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    Story Review Thread

    Title/Layout:

    I have no idea what the title means, so I just went and googled it and google tells me it means "Deep calls to deep" which is pretty intriguing. As for layout, there's not much to comment on, it's very plain and simple. It would be nice if there was some imagery, like a nice banner or something just because that can really add to the story, and a good layout usually gives me an added reason to read and check out a story.

    Summary:

    I really like how this is worded. It kind of gives off this powerful, anything could happen type vibe. I'm quite curious as to what this story is going to be about, though I've never seen the show you mentioned, nor am I really familiar with Spartacus. But the Roman empire in itself is quite intriguing, so you have me interested in that aspect.

    Chapter 1:

    I really like how this starts, going write into a bloody battle coming to an end. You do a great job describing everything, and even showing how many others were defeated in this fight.

    One thing I will say, is some of the writing seems a bit formal, and less story-like, if that makes any sense.

    I enjoy that sexual attraction is mentioned in here because that comes as something you, or at least, I wouldn't expect from something so violent.

    Now, reading your authors note, the meaning of your story title, which I'm glad you do! Though I guess the 'Deep' pretty much means 'Hell.' Your story title is still just as intriguing!

    I can tell you've probably really done your research on this, and I'm glad you share the facts with the readers because I'm sure there are people reading this, who like me, may not know who's real and such.

    Chapter 2:

    Now, however, beauty was to her but a painful memory of a glorious past.
    I really like this line, for some reason. Such a great descriptive line that says a lot, I think.

    I like that you've introduced a character that isn't one of the many women who would happily throw herself at Gannicus's feet. You do a great job of showing how Virginae doesn't want this, but at the same she knows that she has to because she is a slave and because Gannicus has won a battle.

    And of course Gannicus takes advantage of her. You've done a great job at showing just how big of an ego he has, that he is unaffected by other people's feelings. He just wants what he wants and no one can tell him no.

    I really like how you ended this chapter, with Virginae's anger and her cursing him for taking her purity.

    Little did she know he would really be cursed by her.
    This is a great last line, I think. It's kind of like a cliffhanger, and it definitely makes me wonder where this story is going to go.

    Overall:

    This sounds like it's going to be a great story. It's well written and seems well researched. I saw in the note in the summary that English is your third language, so I definitely have to applaud you there. For this being your third language, you've done an excellent job, and it doesn't show in your writing.

    I truly hope that this story goes well for you and I wish you luck with your writing, because seriously, what I've read is great!
    Please review: Secret Lives of Creative Minds
    July 22nd, 2012 at 02:51am
  • hephaestus

    hephaestus (1155)

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    Layout/Summary: The layout is definitely unique and gets your attention, but it doesn't draw away from the story, which is goo. I also liked the set of lyrics/quote you used. Very nice.

    Chapter One: Okay, so far so good. I'm nowhere near finished but I caught a mistake and decided to talk about what you have so far. You have a great opening paragraph and the next that follow flow from it's mother paragraph just nicely. I really love the first paragraph because people never truly know what's going on in someone else's life/group and I like that your character Ryan hadn't realized that yet.

    Here's the mistake: Ryan was going to drive Pete to the band's practice space..

    Okay, back to reading.

    Quick thing: “It’s great to meet you finally.” I suggest either: “It’s great to finally meet you.” or even just add a comma to the original way so it doesn't seem so quick and odd on the tongue: “It’s great to meet you, finally.”

    Again, back to reading.

    I'm at the second section break now and I have to say that I like your writing style. It's not complicated. It's simple and easy flowing. I'm very happy Ryan got his band signed, but curious as to see where this Ryan-Pete dinner may lead... Hmm...

    More reading!

    Quick thing: "So you are into girls?" I suggest: "So you are into girls?" It's a better fit, in my opinion.

    OOOOOH, boy kiss. I love it. :D

    Okay, I've gotten a bit farther and wow. I can't believe the situation he's in. Pete paying him for sex, I'm not sure how I would feel about that... And the way Gabe just brought it up is both funny, but it has to be nervewrecking for Ryan.

    Okay, line break, can pause to comment. I felt a little bad for Pete after the bathroom incident but then increasingly bad for Ryan. He shouldn't have to have being paid and being wanted nearly the same thing. You've really pulled at my emotions, it's a great quality in a writer. Oh and I'm glad Brendon got brave and acted on his feelings <3

    Another mistake: but when he saw that Ryan didn't even crack a smile

    Ah, a good, seemingly happy ending. I have nothing else to critque with this story. Everything we nice. I praise you, though. You had me on for the entire ride. I normally dislike fan-ficitons but you tuggest my interest and my feelings and made me relate to certain parts. So, good job and if you don't win the contest this is entered in, they're crazy!
    Please review: Birdie
    July 23rd, 2012 at 12:36am
  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

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    Layout: very beautiful, the picture is lovely and I love how it's simple yet eyecatching. The only thing I dislike is how small the font is, but maybe it's just because I have a terrible eyesight, lol.

    Summary: It reminds a bit of A Series of Misfortunate Events, which is a wonderful story. It makes us want to read more. The idea, although not exactly the most original and unique thing ever, by itself, seems like something you don't see very often here on Mibba. On a few lines, you are able to get people's attention. Oh and that quote at the beginning gives it a booky-feel, like when you start reading a book and there's a page with a little quote on the side :)

    Chapter one:

    At first I'm a bit confused what time this is set in. It sounds like the past, because of the carriage and, I don't know, there's some sort of 19th century vibe to it; but I'm never 100% sure, for some reason. But then "before the Revelation of the Fey and Warlocks, this entire mass of land had been called the United States of America- but those days are long forgotten." and now I'm pretty sure this is the future.

    This is when I realize that, even though the summary makes it sound like the idea is not exactly original (I mean, we've seen this before, orphan girl who goes live with some crazy relative who invents stuff) but now I'm beginning to think this is more original than I first tought.

    I love these criatures you have created. This now has also a Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings feel to it, which is amazing. Your descriptions of everything - from the creatures to the scenario, even Jackson's accent - are really good. You are caplable of making the readers picture it in their mind, but you're never over descriptive, we don't get tired of reading your descriptions.

    And now this also reminds me of Continuum, because of the destruction of technology. And trust me, it is good when I'm reading something and am reminded of a bunch of books/movies I love.

    I love how Jackson refuses to say goodbye. I have this feeling like they'll meet again and maybe things will be better for both of them when they do.

    The description of the house is beautiful. I can see it in my mind.

    So, by now, I really want to know what happens next. I will definitely be back to read the rest after lunch. Beautiful work you have here. Your style of writing is lovely and kudos for zero errors (really, a story on Mibba with very few or no errors at all is something you don't see every day!) You could actually be a professional writer. Your story-telling is beyond amazing, you're creative, your style is very good... A+!

    Now I would love it if someone reviewed: Am I Just Sending Words Into Outer Space?

    Thank you.
    September 7th, 2012 at 03:52am
  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    Story Review:

    Layout:
    It's very nice :)
    The only thing I'd like to point out is that, from how I see it, the story itself isn't centered in the peach background. It's crossing over into the leafy section, which is fine, but since I don't know if that was the point or if it's only in my browser, figured I might as well mention it. The font's big enough that I don't have to lean too far in to read it, which makes me happy. A lot of good stories have small font, haha.

    Title: It's a bit long, in my opinion., but let's see where this goes.

    Summary: The lyrics tie in with the title, which is good :)
    Not a huge fan of the banner being in the middle of the page, but it does separate the lyrics from the summary itself, which is probably what you were aiming for.

    He's a good Christian, he wears a purity ring, he is a talented young man living his dream along with his brothers.
    You could simplify this by adding "and" after Christian and a period after ring. The reason I say this is that it's a long list of attributes and becomes awkward upon reading it.

    Given that you've already rated the story, I don't see why you added that in the summary as well. The note's a little unnecessary, but I do like the disclaimer.

    Prologue:
    Interesting way to start it off :)
    Nice little twist on Sky's family life.

    A note on grammar, for the first two paragraphs you forgot the comma after "Hello." I noticed you added the comma later on, but they pulled a Houdini at the very beginning.

    When Sky first starts talking to the group, you state things that the reader should discover on their own. It was a long story. And a sad one, too. See, you should simply show the reader why it's sad by letting Sky explain (or try to explain) why it was sad rather than telling us.

    "We weren't exactly rich, but we had enough money to get through the month with all we needed and a treat every now and then." She explained further on, trying not make eye contact with anyone, out of shame.
    This could go along a bit more smoothly, "...and a treat every now and then,' she explained, shame making her avoid all eye contact." Or something of the sort.

    Overall:
    Given that I only read the summary and prologue, I've got to say it doesn't sound so bad. Not going to lie, I'm not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, but your Sky character seems like she's going to have a fun ride getting tossed into the fandom. ;)

    Keep it up :)
    Ready to Leap, please.
    September 14th, 2012 at 11:37pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    Style:

    I really enjoy the way you write. Everything is flourished, but not overly so. There is a good mix of dialogue, action, and description.

    I disagree with what everyone else is saying about the backstory. I think this first chapter is fine the way it is, and you can develop the backstory more as the story goes on. This is just one example I can think of, in The Hunger Games, we didn't learn all of the backstory at once, in the first chapter, it was something that occurred continuously throughout the story, which is one thing that made it great, and I think that's what you should do with your story, instead of a huge information dump.

    Plot:

    I think plot is the thing about this story that just makes it extraordinary. It has only just begun, but it already seems so interesting. I see my favorite bits of old stories and movies that I love coming to life in this piece. I really can't way to see what is going on with the girls' powers and the man trying to hurt them.

    Characters:

    Raven

    I really like how tough and strong Raven is. She seems to be the rock for Emily and Jasmine, and she seems like she will do anything to protect Emily. You can tell that she has hope, and I like that about her. She is a very interesting character that I think will be popular amongst readers.

    Emily

    Emily seems like a sweet little girl who is caught up in something she doesn't want to be a part of. She seems so innocent, which is why I think readers will sympathize with her and feel her pain.

    Ana

    I'm not sure what age Ana is, but from the text, I want to picture her as an older woman in her 30's who helps younger girls try to get a hold on their powers. I think every character needs an older, guiding character to help them out, and Ana seems like she will fit that roll perfectly.

    Father

    I'm going to call him father, because I don't think you gave him a name. He seems like a creepy older man, that I picture wearing a suit like a secret agent and trying to conduct business, almost like the bad men in the movie Jumper if you have ever seen that. I think he will make a great antagonist along with Gabriel.

    Gabriel

    You only mention Gabriel once, but I have a feeling he is going to come back up later on. I'm not sure if he is a Satan like character, or just a leader of some underground group, but I hope there is more of him in this story.

    Daniel

    I can't tell if Daniel is just following his father's orders, or if he really does hate these girls. I want to think that he sympathizes with them a bit, but we won't find that out until later chapters, I assume.

    Overall:

    I think this story is great. There is really nothing at all wrong with the first chapter, and I think it started out perfectly. I'd like to see you keep up this excellence as the story continues, and put just as much thought into later chapters as you did these. I think you have a great concept, from what I can see, that will appeal to all types of readers, because there are so many elements to the story. Good luck with the rest of it, and happy writing!
    I'd like a comment on New Baden, please!
    September 15th, 2012 at 01:00am
  • Katlight Sparkle

    Katlight Sparkle (100)

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    Layout: It's a good layout, not amazing or anything. I'd give it a solid three out of five stars. My one suggestion would be to add some padding to the text on the left side. THe letters right up against the border makes it look uncomfortably squished.

    Title: I'm not sure if Baden is a character or if New Baden is a place, which is a nice ambiguity which is probably the best thing going for it.

    Summary: Short, simple, to the point. I like that it gives a little bit of the overview of the story so I have the idea of the general arc of the story, but other than I don't know anything. Normally, I prefer a little bit more information in my stories, but I think your summary really hits the right note, not being annoyingly vague or listing the events of the plot.

    Story: It's a good introduction although I think somemore background information would have been nice to have. Who's Tammy? What exactly is her relationship to the narrator? Does the narrator have a first name that I'm supposed to know?

    Some sentence varience would help your writing flow better. I can't find a sentence that isn't a typical Subject-Verb-Rest of Parts in Chapter One. Try starting a sentence with an adverb, prepositional phrase, or a participle.

    It feels a little list-y right now mostly because of that, but also because you move through actions and dialogue without anything in between. The narrator says something. Ben responds and does something. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Take some time to describe things more in depths or the things she's feeling. What's going on in her head?

    Grammatically, it's mostly clean except for several misplaced participles and a lack of comas in your compound sentences. I followed behind Ben, placing each foot slowly on his wooden steps, careful not to slip on the trail of water he had left. Participles can only modify the word right they start, so this one is actually describing Ben, and not the narator. He stepped into the bathroom and I went to the next room over, sitting gently at the foot of his bed.
    He stepped into the bathroom, and I went to the next room over to sit at the foot of the bed.


    You've done a good job developing the relationship between the characters, and the little implications at first that her feelings for Ben go deeper until the confirmation. You also did a good job with making Ben likable. So often, I read stories and wonder why anyone is bothering with this person, but Ben's relationship with Lucy and his general personality actually makes it understandable.

    The party is also nicely written. It feels like an actual college frat party with the drinking and the games being what you would expect.
    Fairest, please.
    September 15th, 2012 at 09:31am
  • Kurtni

    Kurtni (10125)

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    @ Katlight Sparkle
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    I was so glad I decided to do the story review thread when I clicked on your story and saw it was an original take on Snow White! You have this element of slightly sarcastic humor on your long story summary, and I really think that sells what you’re writing. If I was just a normal reader, something like that would catch my attention.

    Chapter One

    I love how you start out with “once upon a time” and tie in classical elements of fairy tales for this new creation you’ve made. That definitely works well.

    You toe the line in this story between a blatant satire and an almost feminist retelling of Snow White, and I love that.

    ” Manuella stared me down for a few moments, and I found myself fidgeting uncomfortable under her gaze.”

    I think this should be “fidgeting uncomfortably under her gaze” or “fidgeting, uncomfortable under her gaze.”

    I’m trying to give more specific feedback, but it’s hard to stop myself to analyze, because this story flows so well. One moment I’m laughing about trouble’s “disguises” and the next time I stop to think, we’ve been introduced to Robin. That’s a great thing though, honestly, that as a reader, I can so easily fall into your story and it flows so smoothly.

    One area I see room for improvement for in the first chapter is Manuella’s characterization. We get that Snow White dislikes her and mocks her, but I think we need more direct dialog and snoobery from Manuella’s character. You touch on it at the end of the chapter, with the mention of looking up punishments and the threatening her with the dungeon, but there are other opportunities in this chapter to strengthen Manuella.

    Chapter Two
    I like how you expand on the idea of Bant being this dodgey little place. It comes across as a fairytale Las vegas!

    You mention Doc in this chapter again, which if I recall correctly, is one of the seven dwarves. I think some physical description of what a dwarf looks like in your world would be great, beyond the little paragraph about his hair color, and possibly an opportunity for you to add in some more of the satirical comedy you have sprinkled throughout the story.

    “My hand froze for a minute in my scribbling as I sneaked a peak up at him. After all, it’s not every day you get to see someone who has been allegedly cursed by the darkness. Nope, he was still very normal looking albeit handsomer than most could claim. Actually, for someone carrying around the sobriquet of Dark Prince he was rather disappointing. Shouldn’t he at least have dark hair and be dressed in black?

    “I expected you to be darker.”

    “Well, I expected you to be taller. We’ll both just have to live with the disappointment somehow. And paler. I expected you to be paler.””


    I love this section. It’s brief, but provides such a substantial look into your characters and their personalities. It’s witty little dialog like this that makes me enjoy this story so much.
    Please read Thursday Morning Tea
    September 16th, 2012 at 04:47am
  • AndStuff

    AndStuff (100)

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    September 28th, 2012 at 06:14pm
  • AndStuff

    AndStuff (100)

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    September 28th, 2012 at 06:33pm
  • AndStuff

    AndStuff (100)

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    @ Kurtni
    I hope this is up to standards.

    Likes: Wow! You did a great job with this. So much description, and so much emotion. I almost cried when you talked about losing the baby. I had to laugh a little when you talked about how they call you an alcoholic if you drink something before noon.
    In spite of how little you talked about the tea in the beginning and middle, when it did come up, it still felt like it should be the name of the story. It also thought the "lumberjack twins" was a comical description. The nostalgia was beautiful.

    What needs improvement? I was a little confused, I was under the impression at first that Hans's wife was dead, and then all of a sudden she shows up alive. Was that a flashback and I missed something?

    I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors.

    Please review Hope and her Gift. Any chapter(s). Not sure how to link it.
    September 28th, 2012 at 09:21pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    Please review Hope and her Gift. Any chapter(s). Not sure how to link it.
    Claimed.
    Comment:
    Format:

    I thought the chapters were a little short, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I just thought that there were a few of them that didn't have much content.

    Style:

    I felt like there was a little bit of overuse of dialogue. I would have liked to see a lot more description so readers can get a feel of what characters look like, how the scene looks, and the action that is taking place. The story was really dialogue centered, so that's something you might want to switch up a bit. I had a bit of trouble figuring out what was going on because it felt like everything was just mashed together in the dialogue.

    Characters:

    The characters are interesting enough, but I don't really know much about them. After I get done reading, I like to have a feel for the characters and their emotions, personality, interests, beliefs, values, etc, but I didn't get much character information out of the first few chapters. I'd like to see you develop them more throughout the story.

    Plot:

    I'm having trouble getting a sense of where your story is going. I feel like it is hard to grasp what is going on through the mix of all the dialogue. Like I said, I'd like to see you use more action to propel the plot forward, because it seems like it just being held together by the dialogue right now.

    The chapter I liked the most was chapter four because it gave more insight into William and his views. I'd like to see more chapters like that one in the future! I think you have a great passion for writing and I'd really like to see you keep writing and working hard as you continue to polish your craft!
    I'd like a review of Sand, please!
    September 28th, 2012 at 10:29pm
  • locky

    locky (100)

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    wall flower-:
    First Impression
    YAY ONE DIRECTION STORY! That makes me excited right off the bat. I, for some reason, really like the title but the layout of the story doesn't have anything to do with the title and it kind of bothers me because it's messy and uneven and stuff. I'm OCD and picky with layouts. :c The font is also huge which makes it unappealing to the eyes, in my opinion.

    Summary
    It's really short and extremely vague. I feel like you should make it at least a three sentences long. In some weird way it also gives away a lot about the story. It's obviously about a vacation. Maybe add some more mystery?

    Chapter 1

    Pace of the story
    It moves a bit quick. You give no details of the airport, the car ride, or even the hotel. There has to be some sort of conversation going on, and it makes it more interesting if you can get into the characters heads right off the bat. If not, it's a bit dry and boring.

    Tone of the story
    There's underlying comedy that I really like. It's subtle but definitely there. I chuckled when it got to this line; The only thing that could make the moment better would be a beer in his hand a woman by his side, but for now he’d have to settle for Louis and Harry. Ah, good job. Comedy is always a good way to go, it makes the mood much lighter.

    Communication
    Between the characters, it seems as if there is very little friendship due to how little they talk. Add more words shared between the characters! Add more emotion into it too - imagine yourself as Harry having a conversation with Liam about the weather. How do you think that would sound?
    Someone review Inhale, Exhale please. ♥
    October 28th, 2012 at 05:26pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    Someone review Inhale, Exhale please. ♥
    Comment:
    Chapter One

    I love the description in the first paragraph. It immediately had me hooked. The way you described Allie running was just intense, and then there was poor Chandler trailing behind. I kind of gathered from the description that this story would be about drugs, but I was still surprised when the first chapter took that turn. At first I was imagining a care-free girl running, maybe having a good laugh with her friend, and then it escalated. But I mean all of that in a good way. I love that your story caught me off guard and completely flipped my perception of a character in the matter of a few paragraphs.

    I really enjoyed the dialogue between Allie and Chandler. It seemed fairly realistic and I thought it was sort of witty. Especially the sweet-tits bit. The part about her eyes not being red took me a minute to catch on to, but it was the perfect transition into what was really going-on. It was a perfect hint at what was to come, so I wasn't completely shocked when I found out about the trade.

    I really enjoyed the contrast between Sweet Tits, that Chandler calls her, and Cupcake, which her mother calls her.

    Chapter Two

    I liked Lloyd's monologue at the beginning of the chapter. It really said a lot about his character, and now I know a bit more of what to expect from him.

    Alexa is a slag. But I like that element in the story. Again, I thought the dialogue was very real, and I really liked it. It felt like a real conversation between two people, and I could picture them in bed, talking, and smoking.

    I loved the line you ended the chapter with, it was just perfect.

    Chapter Three

    Samantha was very different from the other characters. She didn't seem as care-free as Allie was and had a very different personality than Lloyd. She is one of those characters that feels she isn't good enough, and I think she is a perfect fit for this story.

    This chapter didn't have the same description that I loved in the first chapter, but I still thought it was good. It had a lot in substance and showed an entirely different side. I thought the abusive mom was a nice tough and definitely a realistic addition. There are people who have mothers that behave that way, and I wouldn't be surprised to see those people turn to drugs for comfort.

    Overall

    I think this is a really nice story. I really like the different characters and that readers get to see bits and pieces of their very different lives. I thought you did a good job of making each individual character feel real and unique, which was one of my favorite things about this story. Overall, great job!
    Take Your Aim, please Cute
    November 12th, 2012 at 02:26am