Story Review Thread

  • spacejunkie

    spacejunkie (100)

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    My first impression of this basically turned on the banner. I love the font you've chosen and the photographs you've merged. In terms of the rest of the layout, the background is a little distracting, and the border and content area are a little plain, but overall it isn't too bad.

    You haven't got a very long summary, which is strange to me. There's no real way for me to know what to expect from this story, except for your visual clues. I'm guessing at this stage that it's a Hunger Games fanfic, just judging from the word 'district.' In your summary, the most interesting thing, I think, is the way you have already drawn a distinction of gender between your prospective characters, just through use of the male and female signs. Does this mean a boy and a girl will be going head to head?

    In terms of your actual chapters, your description is strong. I like the way you open with an image, through your reference to 'painting the sky'. This has me immediately interested- I normally wouldn't read a story without strong imagery. I haven't read the Hunger Games series, so I can't comment on how well your fic links in with the cannon, but you also seem to have established a plot in the first chapter, which gives your story some direction. The only thing I would really recommend in terms of your first chapter is condensing some of your floating sentences into bigger paragraphs. At present, your writing looks a little fractured.

    The second and third chapters again begin solidly, and contain nice images and fully fleshed out dialogue. I didn't find any errors in terms of spelling and grammar, so substantively, I'm judging this story to be good. It's not the kind of thing I would ordinarily read, but I think it will find a popular following.

    Best of luck with your writing!
    Snivellus
    November 18th, 2012 at 10:03am
  • locky

    locky (100)

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    paper bones:
    The layout is so blindingly plain that it's very eye catching, really. I like the faces and how everything is, well. White. Very elegant.

    I really like the summary and how you set it up in parts. I'm not a huge fan of Harry Potter but I think it's an interesting story, overall.

    The first paragraph is amazing. The line about his cloak following behind him like whispers is absolutely brilliant. I like the way this all flows and your metaphors are breathtaking. No one noticing him really hits for some reason, like it's a huge part in the story that deserves attention.

    Some words you use are (excuse my stupidity) really big. And I don't mean long, they're just complicated. I don't know what a lot of them mean (I'm fourteen.. sh. Still have a lot to learn) but they fit well in the story I suppose.

    The chapter ends really well, in my opinion. It's like omg I have to read the next chapter to know what that damn potion is! and I definitely would read on if I was a fan of Harry Potter.

    This isn't my cup of tea but your writing is spectacular. Amazing job.
    Oliver Alert please. ♥
    December 19th, 2012 at 01:12am
  • legacy .

    legacy . (100)

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    breaking faces:
    You were right, firstly, in your author’s note saying that this was “tragically beautiful”. I completely agree with you. It’s obvious you were aiming for that sort of effect with your writing and I think you’ve achieved it in this first chapter. Your language and phrasing is marvellous and definitely conveys the tones and emotions you were going for.
    And - even though has nothing to do with the story itself - I have to include that I really like the layout. I love when writers on this site take the time to spruce up their story with a nice layout.
    I think that, for a first chapter, you’ve given the reader just enough information about the strained relationship between Oliver and (his/her?) mother and also with Oliver and the mother‘s own personal struggles. I’m really curious as to what happened to cause the mother to be so indifferent her child. It’s a little heartbreaking to see Oliver seemingly crave her attention. To so simply as the mother to bring him hospital in an attempt to get a little bit of attention or to pull an emotion from her other than is so sad. Side note: I don’t want to assume Oliver is a boy, because writers stick all kinds of names on their characters, and I didn’t really get a sense of Oliver’s gender in this chapter. So I guess my bit of criticism on that would be to maybe throw in some sort of indication of the gender. Unless of course you left it ambiguous for a reason, then carry on my wayward son!
    I’m also really curious how a romance will work into this, as well. It seems as though, to me, a plot could develop in a million different ways from the little snippet you’ve given so far. Though, truth be told, I’m a little bit more interested in the relationship between child and mother than a romance from this first chapter.
    Also, I didn’t notice any spelling or grammar errors which is always nice!
    I think that all-in-all, this is a perfect first chapter. Like I said before, you’ve introduced the character of Oliver flawlessly. I think that this might be something I keep an eye on, as I am really curious as to how a romance will play out.
    Really good job!
    Dreaming With A Broken Heart
    December 24th, 2012 at 11:56pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    dr. faustus:
    Your summary was nice it left an intriguing affect on me. It did its purpose on wanting me to know more about these characters in just few sentences, so that was nice, simply and sweet that’s how I love them.

    The first chapter was a good start, well written and descriptive to the point where everything made sense. I liked how you’ve written these characters together and even though there are a lot of them, I formally only remember two of them. Dash, of course and Kane and at first it took me a moment to realize that this was written in third person, I was confused as to who was telling the story (silly me).

    I plan to read the second chapter as well, but Dash seemed a little boring to me. There was nothing that sparked my interests about her that got me thinking, wow this girl is awesome, now I know there’s more in store for her and I hope she doesn’t come out like other dull female characters that tend to be in situations like these, so I have hope for her. Long distance relationships are hard work and everything that happened with her and Sam was written very real. It takes a strong heart and it seemed understandable for him to break up with her because she’s distance and absent half the time.

    It was depressing that Sam stopped fighting for Dash, deep down I felt he didn’t want to, but had to and that’s tough. I would love to see Dash’s mindset from here on out and I know it’s completely going to have in the next chapters. It amazed me how quickly things changed for this girl within a flash, like I felt how fast her smile transformed into a frown. Dash had mentioned that Montréal always made her happy, I could only assume half was only because of Sam, I hate reading break ups, but while reading this one there could have been more emphasis on her band mates supporting her, I believed that lacked.

    Overall, this was interesting and a good first chapter. What I liked most was the tense nature leading up to the break up because I was going right along with Dash about what the situation could have been, distracting from what it really was, so that was nice. You had good diction and tone, dialogue wasn't distracting or forced, but at times didn't read well or maybe I was just reading it wrong. What I didn’t like about this was how you described their physical features, I know with third person narrative you kind of have to do that, but to me some of it didn’t sound right with you always pointing out something after they were to say something (could be a preference) but other than that good job.

    This line here, The was it, she decided. Something had happened to one of her dogs and her boyfriend and family had decided to spare her the details until she returned to the country. I believed you meant That was it or there perhaps? I’m not sure, but it’s a typo of some sort.

    This was the part I’ve been waiting for, support from her friends, and I liked that someone mentioned that it was all up to dash in the end to put it all behind. The quote you used at the top of your summary was the perfect theme for this chapter because it’s completely true. I thought what her friends did was sweet, a gesture of caring and showing Dash that there are other people who were willing to stay in her life and not leave her. I liked that aspect of this chapter and it followed throughout, so yeah. I hope Dash comes together in the next chapter and I understand that her and Sam had been together for five years, but it’s over between them now, she has to accept that and I would love to see how she takes it. After awhile, there’s only so much you could do for a person and she was becoming annoying half way through, I was glad she spoke to Ezra though.

    I am in love with that name and I’m glad Ezra is such a likable character too. One thing I noticed about this chapter, (which wasn’t actually bad) was the use of the semicolon. I felt that was being misplaced at times were a comma would have worked better. But as far as style, my impression on it is the same as the first chapter, which has not changed, so again keep writing and may this hold up to every potential possible.
    A review on Bones of Our Father would be nice. Thank you.
    January 2nd, 2013 at 09:45pm
  • locky

    locky (100)

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    locky:
    First impression is always based off the layout, right? I start out with awesome vibes from this. Very simple layout, and it works.

    The summary has some punctual errors. Reread it and insert commas is the only thing I can suggest. Apart from that, it flows pretty dramatically but I like how it sounds.

    Chapter one, paragraph one is absolutely stunning. The punctual errors completely disappeared now. Wolves are awesome but I don't usually read stories about animals. This is interesting, but a tad confusing. I wish there were more scenes apart from just narrative. It gets pretty deep and confusing at points but I'm just really tired I think.

    By the end of this I'm pretty much pumped. It sounds like the opening to a huge epic novel. I like this a lot, actually. Good work.
    I'd be thankful for a review on Summer in Alaska! :)
    January 3rd, 2013 at 04:13am
  • ajslkdfjalkj

    ajslkdfjalkj (200)

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    @ locky
    What I really liked is the butterfly background, and the picture of the girl. Together it did give off a "summer in Alaska" feel. I didn't really fancy the red flowers part of the layout though because together with the other two pictures, it made the background look very busy; however, it's just my little opinion.

    I'm one of those people that skim the prologue if it's too long, and found the length of yours perfectly short but at the same time descriptive enough to intrigue me and possibly any other readers so great job on that!

    I didn't spot any grammatical errors, and have to say that for such a young writer, you write really well. (:

    --

    I'm sorry if it's not long enough, but I really didn't find anything wrong with it. (:

    My story is: Autism and Passion
    January 3rd, 2013 at 10:33pm
  • Hannistic

    Hannistic (100)

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    Hannistic:
    Okay, so, honestly I was a little bit apprehensive when I read the summary of this story. I work with children who have disabilities, and most of the kids I work with are somewhere on the Autism spectrum, so I read that this was about a boy who has Autism, and I was a little bit worried about how he would be portrayed.

    Having read the first chapter, I think you're off to a decent start. You've definitely got some of the key characteristics of people who have Autism down -- one of the things I wanted to know as I was reading is what Noah's actual diagnosis is. Does he have Asperger's, or is it like you described in your summary, mild autism? I'm assuming that throughout the story, Charlie's going to learn that while Autistic people do think in different ways, they're all individuals, and not all of them are geniuses, like the savants she's heard about.

    There's a lot of room for Charlie to grow, which I'm excited about, especially knowing that this is partially inspired by To Kill a Mockingbird. By choosing to write this from her perspective, you've given your readers a front row seat to that character development, which I like. However, I did find that her voice was awkward at times -- I didn't know who or what Homer was, because you called him an "it" throughout the first paragraph. I found her description of Noah as "statue-like" awkward, too, and I can't tell if the awkwardness was purposeful or not.

    Overall, I think that this is a good start, but that it could benefit from another read through for things like calling Homer an "it", and your verb tenses. They tended to switch between past and present (like in these sentences: He got the message, and left to go haul another of his family's suitcase up to one of the two guest rooms upstairs where his family will be staying until they find another place to live. His wife and he will share a room with their three years old daughter, Grace, while Noah gets the smaller guest room all to himself.) , which was confusing.

    Overall, I like the story's layout, and I love that you decided to tackle something as difficult, complex, and often misunderstood as Autism. Good job!
    I'd love a review on The Way of Standing Still
    January 3rd, 2013 at 10:50pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    Audrey T:
    REMINDER: This is not a simple comment swap. The posts left here must be reviews and therefore must include in-depth feedback.

    If you need examples of what are considered adequate reviews, please take a look at these five posts: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5.

    Always read through the review left before you. If you think that review does not meet this thread's requirements, do not claim that article. Report that post (and PM an admin) and wait for a response.


    Question: Would it be helpful if we implement a word-minimum for the story reviews here? Respond here
    January 4th, 2013 at 11:23pm
  • psychotic secrets;

    psychotic secrets; (1400)

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    Claimed. Done. I hope the BBcode works.
    Psychotic Secrets:
    First Impression: The title didn't lure me in much, it has, however, a bit of mystery to it. It's what made me click the link on the thread at least. I'm just big on titles, I think they need to lure in readers the same way a book does. The summary was VERY good. Lured me right in. I love how you made the size of the capitals a bit bigger.

    Banner and Layout: I'm to big on either, but sometimes it can hurt or help a story. The banner is beautiful and but to me if the story is about a hitman it wouldn't help to make things a bit darker blue.

    Chapter One:
    I got suck a few times because of the slang. It's apsolutely amazing how you made the character has his own speech. I have to seen that before. But from experience most people slang everything, including words that end in 'ing'. Like:

    "Never paid him much mind when he was on the telly, but there wasn’t nothing to him. ‘Cept for the guards behind him." - If someone would use slang for the word except I would think they would for "nothing" too. So that it would be nothin'.

    I do like in the entire chapter you used slang for all the same words. You didn't use it here and there. That helped the character development to me.

    The way you have built up the Kennedy and Avery characters are excellent. They aren't flat and its the first chapter! Also how you made Avery the ability to be bribed really showed me what kind of person he could really be.

    It's also very good place to start the story. You picked the perfect place to me.

    This line "His eyes were the kinda black, the wintertime black, the black that sunk down and killed you if you weren’t watching for it, and sometimes got you even if you were." Was beautifully written. I love the imagery there. It gave the character a dangerous look too.

    Another thing that also kept stopping me was, “'What do you have to say for yourself, plebeian?'” To me "Plebeian" sounds like a name so it should be capitalized. Even if its not a name, the person is being called that, so therefore it should be capitalized. This happens more than once in the chapter.

    The paragraphs were almost too thick, but once I started reading they did not bother me much at all. Just be watchful because thickness can make a reader just to away. A lot of people like smaller paragraphs, but I think you can get away with it because its so well written.

    Overall: The first chapter really set up the story well. It gave in dept thoughts and great looks on the characters.

    Chapter Two: This will be my last chapter to do because I only have two hours to do this. If you want more just ask:)

    I was a little bit confused but then I realized the chapter was told through the eyes of a child. I very much enjoyed that. Not many people can pull that off, and you did an excellent job of that. Every excellent actually. It was honestly better than the first chapter. This one I did not see any issues, not a single one.

    I like the words used, they are child's words. It was told by a child's voice, with a child's mind. There was to a hint of an adult mind anywhere. That's a complement, if I said that right. I mean, it's like perfectly written from a child's eyes. The way they perceive the world. It was very relaxing in a way too.

    I like how the mother's character is detailed and her 'friends'. I also like the way the child sees the world. There is not a hit of hatred in him and everything is innocent. The chapter put in full detail true innocence of a child.

    The chapters were longer, and it looked like a thick mass of words. It was harder to read because the font is so small, so watch out on that.

    The ending got very confusing because it was still being told by the child. Because he was, so was I. I think I caught the gist of it though.

    Overall:
    The second chapter was by far the best. I really like that he was called "Avery" so it helped me realize it was a memory. Very well written. I really like the story so far, I wish I could write more. Please just be mindful of the paragraphs and capitalization.
    Mine: Psychotic Secrets
    January 5th, 2013 at 01:14am
  • hellobeautiful

    hellobeautiful (100)

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    hellobeautiful:
    First and foremost, the layout is great. The picture that you used definitely caught my attention and I immediately began to wonder if the masks or the people in the mask had anything to do with the story. The summary caught my attention also. When I read it, I imagined someone chanting like one would do if they were trying to call on a spirit. It gives off a really dark mood and makes me question if this story is going to be a horror or a psychological thriller. The layout and the summary were very successful if you were attempting to make your readers feel a bit….spooked out.

    Now on to the first chapter, with regards to the layout, I think it’s very interesting that you chose to make the chapter title incredible blurry; it gives off a spooky effect. I really enjoyed the fact that you started the chapter with some action. I really love it when the first chapter of a story throws a reader straight into the action! I really like your style of writing in this chapter; it’s simple, but enough for me to immediately envisioned every scene in my mind without a problem. In the second sentence, however, I got a bit thrown off with this line: To me to wrinkles ment wisdom. I think you were trying to say: To me, wrinkles meant wisdom…maybe?

    As I advanced further into the chapter, I noticed that you changed the font to italics. At first, I was confused as to why you would do this. To me, when I see italics in a novel, it’s usually to indicate a story that has happened in the past or a thought of one of the main characters. But, as I read further, it occurred to me that the grandpa was telling a story that happened 50 something years ago, so it seemed fitting that the font was in italics. Also, it kind of adds to that “story by the camp fire” feel, if that’s even a feel haha. There were definitely goose bumps rising on my arm when I read about the students and the gas plant. I took geology, during my previous semester in college, and I read a lot about gas plants and the danger they’d pose on humans if it was to explode so I could totally believe that something like that happened 50 years ago, and was covered by the government. At the end of the story, my eyes widened when I learned about the grandpa, his brother and his mother. That was a great way to end the chapter!

    Now on to the second chapter, I’m guessing that you are now introducing the readers to the main characters of the story? And you did a great job with that; I feel like I have an idea of each of the characters, though it's not much, I do have an idea. Maybe it’s just me, but I thought Dakota was definitely overacting to what Bram said, but then again, that’s probably a personal attribute of hers. I felt really bad for Bram when she mentioned his parents because of the way you described the way he was feeling through his looks; getting red/pink in the face. I really love the imagery and your descriptiveness. It really helps me to envision everything. I didn’t really find any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes so this was a very solid chapter!

    Overall, this story is off to a fantastic start. The opening was great and just enough to keep me interested and informed about later events that might occur in the story. Please continue to write and keep up the great work. I have yet to see a story like yours on Mibba, so please continue on! It’s a very unique idea and I think you will be able to execute it really well if you continue on in the same way.
    Can someone review, Never Let Me Go please?
    January 6th, 2013 at 03:30am
  • Goldyfish

    Goldyfish (100)

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    ^^^Claimed!!! R E V I E W E D (sorry if it's not amazing, it's my first formalish review.)
    Goldyfish:
    THE LAYOUT:: The layout is very pretty, but simple. There isn't really much depth to it and in my opinion, doesn't entirely match the story. So far as I can see, it's about a woman trying to regain her past love. Pink is more of a new beginnings type colour, you're probably going to want a richer type colouration. Also, this is one of the things I really prefer personally in layouts, is a seamless, repeating background. They're not hard to find, for instance I found this just on google images, and it'd probably be a pretty accent to your layout's design.

    To start, the first chapter didn't really give me enough of the setting, and this made it more difficult to picture to story as it progressed. You describe her current surroundings as a club with music, and in the formal way of speaking my mind subconsciously decided it was set in a past time (1800s, 1900s). I later discovered this was not the case, but up until then I was picturing the story with people wearing long gowns and tuxes. First impressions are everything and what you do not describe your audience will make up on their own.

    The story as a whole is fantastic. I found myself smiling, gasping and laughing with it, which I must say for me is a rare event when reading online. The characters are realistic and well-rounded, but I wish we knew more about Miguel; especially from Natalia's point of view. It's hard to judge characters and their relationships when there is so little known about them. Doing some backstage work with P.O.V. changes (if you're comfortable with that) or more flashbacks are a good way to illuminate more of this mysterious character.

    Personally, I don't think the title reflects the book very well. Through the whole story the relationship has already been let go, I wish it had more of a please forgive me or second chance sort of vibe to it. Since I'm not great with titles myself, I don't really have any examples I could give you; that's just my own opinion.

    Overall, I loved the plot. It is gripping and leaves me hanging. I've recommended and subscribed; can't wait for the next entry.
    Could someone please review The Things Left Unsaid for me?
    January 7th, 2013 at 04:55am
  • ajslkdfjalkj

    ajslkdfjalkj (200)

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    @ Goldyfish
    The title isn't really eye-catching in my honest opinion, but you make up for it with well-written details. I like how you introduced the setting while describing the way the girl looks, killing two birds with one stone. Usually, a lot of people would waste a paragraph on just describing how a character looks, and I can't help rolling my eyes at it sometimes.

    Straight off the bat, I could tell that your character, Sally, wouldn't be a dull 2-D character. Already in the first few paragraphs, you've already let the readers know that she was from another totally different place, her likes, her dislikes and her struggles to retain her memories of her old home place.

    Okay, here goes the part where I point out a few grammar mistakes. I didn't notice a lot of grammatical error so great job on that! Here's one though:
    "...been his parents’ house and before [they]died a year and a half ago..."

    This sentence also confused me a bit: "He was thirteen and that he was high-and-mighty age, when he thought that he was all great and everything but he still played with model cars and his Nintendo DS." I know what you're trying to say, but I feel like there needs to be a split, or maybe there is an extra word somewhere. Moreover, I think you could remove the parentheses around "as always", but it doesn't really matter.

    The only thing left that I have to say about grammatical errors is that you need to end your dialogues in a comma instead of a period. For example: "It’s gonna be awesome,” Jenna said enthusiastically."

    Otherwise, I really dig your story, and would love to see your portrayal on Texans because I'm from the state. ^^ From your character's description, I'm assuming that Sally will learn the lesson to just be herself, but your writing ability will make her journey in learning it interesting. <3 I wish you much success in this story.

    --

    My story: Autism and Passion
    January 14th, 2013 at 01:00am
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    dr. faustus:
    I liked both halves of this chapter, and I plan to read all three chapters, too. So, some of the good things I adored about this were your descriptions of Noah Humphrey, I’m excited about reading the next installments to see how you’ve written Noah. The name Noah reminded me of Noah Percy from the movie The Village and I know you said To Kill a Mockingbird inspired you for him, but Noah was "special" in that movie and caused a lot of troubled for people.

    Anywho, I thought the awkwardness between Charlie and Noah was written nicely. Her expectations of autistic children was dead on because most people assume that they all are intelligent in something, which I’m sure I am going to find out what exactly in Noah’s case, but the speculation was a nice touch. I personally worked with children who had autism and I even written a story myself about this and I’m glad to see someone else touching this subject.

    I would have to agree with Hannistic on many parts, but mostly on what was stated about calling Homer an “it” that threw me off a little bit, I had no idea what was going on. Another thing that confused me was how Noah and Charlie knew each other was it through family? What was the occasion for them to be at her house? Since I am reading the next chapters, I’ll figure that out I suppose.

    Maybe he wasn’t a genius. Maybe he was like a helpless child.

    I really, really liked this part because most of them truly are, physically they could be adults but mentally not stabled. I can’t wait to see how Noah develops that is what I’m most thrilled for. But overall, I think you started nicely.

    One thing that bothered me was how you physically described Noah at times, it seemed too perfect and not real to me. I believe and if I’m wrong, please correct me, but he’s based off the boy in the banner, who is a model? Autism children are beautiful in every way, but I don’t see any of them being drop dead gorgeous and going down catwalks. Noah’s appearance isn’t simple to me and I’m not saying it has to be, but maybe I’m just looking into it and shouldn’t be.

    I thought this chapter was setting me up nicely for maybe something interesting to happen. The scene where Noah actually spoke to Charlie was cute and I had the same reaction as her: surprised. I would hate being ignored all this time and then he finally spoke. That would be frustrating to me, but she pulled through even if she didn’t want to.

    Charlie’s diction was stiff during some parts, but livened up at others. The beginning portion of chapter three was good because there was a side of Charlie that made more sense now. I liked that she hasn’t forgot where she came from and appreciates her grandparents. Charlie is likable and developing into a character full of surprises that’s for sure.

    Okay, first, Ashton was a dick and I already don’t care for him one bit. I could already sense trouble in that relationship and it made perfect sense as to why she would be having feelings toward Noah. I can’t wait to see how that works.

    Overall, you have a lovely story with minor errors that could be fixed with an edit or two. I liked that your writing seemed natural, with a little off ended sentences here and there, but I enjoyed this read and keep writing, you’re doing great so far.
    Please read Never Fuck a Poet or Bones of Our Father

    Thanks.
    January 17th, 2013 at 04:13am
  • Goldyfish

    Goldyfish (100)

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    @lonna
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    Goldyfish:
    I chose Bones of Our Father
    Before I've even read your text, I simply adore your layout. It is simple, easy-to-read, and it really gives me a good inclination of what the story is about. I really like the rustic, natural vibe it gives. The colours also go really nicely together and it all blends beautifully.

    I love the opening paragraph; The day I became a man was the night I danced with the wolves in woods, where Mother Nature was born and nurtured... it's beautiful and poetic and really sets up the reader for what is going on. It's a great hook and makes the reader beg to continue.

    The first sentence in the third paragraph however, in my opinion, is much too long. I was close to letting go everything that made me miserable and dead inside that night, I wasn’t afraid of not looking back, I accepted that whatever was behind me, it only made me stronger for what was up ahead, but I stopped in my snow-covered tracks anyway, taking a deep breath inhaling the earth my ancestors once walked on. Something like... I was close to letting go everything that made me miserable and dead inside that night. I wasn’t afraid of not looking back, I accepted that whatever was behind me. It only made me stronger for what was up ahead, but I stopped in my snow-covered tracks anyway, taking a deep breath inhaling the earth my ancestors once walked on.

    The whole story is written very well and I really love the description, especially how you can explain so much in very little words; like I didn’t see my family as creatures, but my brothers saw me as one... I love the point of view character, the way he describes his world is so poetic and I can picture the whole story very clearly. He is obviously very reflective on his family and surroundings; which creates beautiful test and I find very relatable.

    I didn't really like the dialogue you had between the main character and his mother,
    “Yes, I am strong and wise and –” I said, stopping soon after, unsure of my words.

    “…and?” towering over me, as if she was reaping my soul, the female Beta questioned.

    “Well, but I am not those things, I will never be those things, no matter how many times I recite those things, mother.”

    To me the wording seemed a little bit awkward, stiff even. It wasn't like the rest of the description, with a smooth blending and eager descriptions. To me they seem to stick out of the text like black on white and it doesn't seem to mesh. I'm not sure if you meant to do that or if it was an accident or it's really just how I see it.

    Overall I really did enjoy it, it wasn't something you can just read and dismiss; you really did have to read between the lines and be very thoughtful between what you were saying and I had to read it through a few times before I felt I could say anything worthy about it. You're a magnificent writer and I really loved the work. I could see you working off this if you wanted and creating more stories; even just in that world idea. Bravo! I've recommended it and I will look out for more of your work!
    Could someone review my story To Be Mortal?
    February 3rd, 2013 at 07:28pm
  • precursors

    precursors (105)

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    Story Review Thread:

    The summary is what drew me in. The future aspect of it seems intriguing, as well as the mention of "supernaturals". It seems to be a pretty solid, fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian story from the summary and man, those are really my weak spot. All in all, I'm pretty excited to get into it already and I haven't even clicked on one of the chapters yet. Also, kudos for a simple, readable layout. That helps tons.

    chapter one:
    I wasn't expecting first-person for whatever reason, but I can dig it. The opening is a bit cliche: main character wakes up, looks around, wonders where they are. The narration makes me smile. Their voice is interesting; "The walls were made of a cold cement… or was it concrete? Was there even a difference between the two? Yes, definitely a concussion. " is especially amusing, at least in my opinion. "my kind." -- what is the narrators "kind"? I'm going to go ahead and assume that they're one of the aforementioned supernaturals.

    "My hands were tied behind my back, and my ankles to." - that should be "too" not "to"

    The descriptions of her hair and dress are a bit awkward, sort of thrown in there, but it doesn't distract too much from the story and it's simply a stylistic comment for me.

    "I spat more precious blood onto the floor with a *splat*. He cursed at me, called my names, but I didn’t care." - I don't think the asterisk around splat are necessary, and I think that "my" should be "me".

    Ah, so Avianna is a vampire. I like her character so far, and the first chapter leaves a lot unsaid and a lot to be questioned and inferred. I'm curious to see how it maps out, but I'll probably only continue to review through the second chapter.

    Overall, your writing is good and I like the characterization of Avianna so far. She seems like a snarky character and definitely a strong heroine.

    chapter two:
    The opening to the second chapter supports my thoughts on Avianna being especially snarky and fun, but I don't really have much to comment on other than that. Following it, the change in perspective is somewhat dizzying and it took me a moment to realize that it was a flashback(?) or at least a memory. I'm also curious as to how Avianna knows any of this, assuming that it is "how" she is explaining everything to Oliver.

    It also took me a moment to realize who was talking later on, when they're told that the diner won't serve "their kind"; the use of "he" is rather ambiguous, seeing as there's two males at the table, plus the waiter, but I think that it was Roger talking. Which also makes me curious to see if Candice is also an elemental and how Avianna came to be a vampire, assuming that these traits are genetic and such -- and maybe I'm just reading a bit too into things, but all is well, although a little clarification could be helpful in that scene.

    The past seems to add more to the story, but there's still a lot to tell. Now that we at least know some of the past that led up to Avianna's birth, the war, supernaturals, and many other aspects are still left unsaid -- which is good. Without everything up front, it really draws a reader in as they want to know more about what's going on and how it happened and why.

    I didn't notice many mistakes in this chapter, although I might have missed them while reading. Again, your writing is steadily good and seems to carry the same sort of voice from first-person perspective and into third-person.

    Good work with the first two chapters (:
    The Forever Year, please?
    February 20th, 2013 at 06:20am
  • niklitera

    niklitera (200)

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    Question; what if the story is rated too high for our likings?
    February 25th, 2013 at 10:38pm
  • Jack Donaghy

    Jack Donaghy (450)

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    You have to wait for someone else to review that story and post one with a lower rating. Skipping stories is not allowed.
    February 26th, 2013 at 01:27am
  • The Color Abi

    The Color Abi (300)

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    The Forever Year comment:
    I'm going to start with the layout; it's so simple yet so incredibly beautiful. I'm in love with it even though it is so plain.

    The summary is quite eye catching and makes me really look forward to reading more. The fact it starts out in the future (that'll soon e the past) for the reader makes it far more fascinating than most stories I see on here.

    Chapter One.

    I love how it starts off with the character thinking what most others feel when it comes to school. And the way he smoothly lies to his teacher over how he needs to take the next class off...

    The ending worries me. My heart is racing and my hands are starting to sweat; is something horrible bound to happen? I think so...

    Chapter Two

    I knew that chapter two was going to have some sort of gun talk in it. It makes my mouth dry when I read it; the emotion you make the reader feel is so incredible and gah! I just love your way with words.

    This guys are lying, I just know they're lying. They're going to shoot up the school and fuck Callum, don't believe them, you idiot!

    -

    I'm going to continue to read but stop my review here. This story is so incredibly chilling and honestly, I'm madly in love with it.

    You are such an incredible writer and fuck me, how has this not got any more comments and readers? You should have everyone basking in the glory of this story, you really should.
    I'd like a review for my story, Not Quite Enough Cigarettes.
    February 27th, 2013 at 11:06pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    Not Quite Enough Cigarettes:
    I was completely drawn in by the summary. Everything that was mentioned in the short paragraph made me very curious as to what the bad habits that she has as an eighteen year old. Smoking? Drinking? Other drugs? I cannot tell by just reading the summary, so those can be the best guesses that I have, and I could be wrong. Or I could be completely right!

    While I really don't like how short this piece is (I just want more about everything and everyone), I love how short it is. The amount of description in this piece is perfect. There is so much information about the girl, regarding her life and her habits, however, not much about the man was described, which really made him seem like a very mysterious person. I also really liked how little information was given about their back stories (how they met and whatnot). You seemed to just focus on the very important things, while keeping everything else a complete mystery.

    Something else I liked about this was how the dialogue was sort of woven into all of the paragraphs. It is something that I don't normally see, and I really like it. I think it just makes the whole piece flow together better, but that is just what I think. And even though you don't specifically tell the reader who says what, you give enough information to let the reader actually figure out who was speaking.

    One more thing that I really liked was the ending of the one-shot. The last few paragraphs just really tied together the whole one-shot really well, and were just so packed with emotion, especially from the man. He just really seems to care about her, and those last two paragraphs really showed the reader that. I just want to say, as a conclusion to this comment, is that this piece left me with more questions than answers, and I really like when stories do that. I guess it leaves me wondering and making up what exactly is happening or could happen to the characters even when it is not specifically given to the reader. This is a wonderful piece that I really enjoyed reading!
    Forest of Fantasies, please?
    February 28th, 2013 at 04:38am
  • precursors

    precursors (105)

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    I was really drawn in by your summary; it's short, simple, and vague. It reminds me of the synopsis of some sort of horror movie -- "If only they'd listened"; if only, if only. It's just a hook that's reeled me in and without even opening up the first chapter I'm curious and excited to read. The layout is also simple and easy to read, which is definitely a plus.

    The first paragraph is brilliant. The use of color paints a picture, and it's definitely clear in my mind the setting of the chapter. Your description is beautiful and I can hear the snakes and the birds and the crickets just as clearly as I can see the sky and the trees.

    I've also noticed repetition in your writing - "Hues of dark blue, purple, and black filled the sky," "a harmony of calls filled the forest," and "The sound of fluttering wings filled the forest."

    The beauty of the forest is shattered so quickly with the chase. The mood snaps so quickly from serene to terrifying and I'm left confused. Who is this woman? Who are the monsters chasing her? Why? Just as quickly as the mood had shifted, it happens again when the woman is safe. We're returned to the more serene of moods and get a quaint description of her home.

    At the end of the chapter, I'm simply left with more questions and even fewer answers. One chapter has been enough to completely pull me in and leave me wanting more and more. Your writing is beautiful, and the descriptions are simple, but just as beautiful and effective. I'm definitely going to subscribe to this -- it's wonderful.
    The Forever Year, please?
    March 3rd, 2013 at 02:54am