Story Review Thread

  • DragonxFox

    DragonxFox (100)

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    For starters, I love the layout. It's just enough detail to catch my attention without overwhelming or taking away from the story, which is great :)

    Secondly, the summary has me so excited. I love how you changed it from explaining something that could've been so calm and everyday-like to this suspenseful thing that makes me want to know what happens to all those people. Also, I love how it ties in with the title. That's great.

    Chapter One
    Alright, so the narrative in the first sentence made me laugh. There should've been two commas after these words, though: "Fifth period; fifth period as in lunch; fifth period as in after the duration exactly twenty-four hours, the course of business for this hellhole—sorry, shithole—sorry, school would be completely and totally derailed."

    Also, isn't the phrase "lying his ass off" rather than "lying off his ass" ? Personal opinion, obviously.

    Side note, but your narrative voice is someone I want to be friends with. The humor and everything is just....making me so happy.

    Your descriptions of the characters are great so far. I'm just ridiculously desperate to find out A)what happens and B)why Callum is so damn angry at them all.

    Also, cliff-hanger? After the cliff-hanger in the summary? That is sooooo cruel.

    Chapter Two
    I'm telling you, this narrative!!! But seriously, I had so many different reactions to what you said about the guns. That's great, though, because even if someone might not agree that that's exactly what happens, it's perfect for where this story is apparently [possibly, hopefully] heading. Foreshadowing, success.

    Woah there. So many people being introduced here.

    And while I get that people can and do smoke both pot and cigarettes it made me go back to re-read and capture that in my mind as you started off saying Drew smokin' pot but his teeth were yellowed from tobacco, get me? No biggie, just my own little moment.

    And, ok, gonna just throw it out there. Callum is such a proper-speaking teenage human that it creeps me out. Forget his temper. I'd be so wary around him just for talking like that, haha.

    And my goodness gracious I absolutely abhor you leaving the chapters in cliff-hangers.

    ***
    Ok. I'm gonna keep reading and bugging you, but dropping off on the review for now. I can't believe how ridiculously hooked I am.

    It's well-written and I just saw your note on the bottom about nano; hopefully you enjoyed that. If you didn't finish this, please do so. Because otherwise I might cry. I need to know more. And if I get stuck with a cliff-hanger I might just cry.
    Can someone review A Demon's Only Wish, please?
    March 21st, 2013 at 05:56am
  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

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    Layout: I like how it's 100% readable and the colors match the story. I'm not crazy for the guy's picture, but I guess it suits the vibe.

    Summary: You don't give away too much information and you get the readers curious. Even as someone who is absolutely not into this type of story, I can see the appeal in it.

    Chapter One: Well, I am going to be honest, I tend to stay away from stories envolving vampires, werewolves, demons and the overall supernatural shenenigans, but I do enjoy your writing style. Your attention to detail is amazing and your descriptions are very amusing. Although I have to agree with jesus christ., this is a bit confusing at first.

    Overall: I didn't spot any mistakes, you're talented as a writer and you get the readers curious. Although I am so not into this type of fics, I enjoy your way of writing.

    Good job, stranger Mr. Green

    I would love a review on Noona
    March 21st, 2013 at 03:40pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    Hello:

    So, I don’t have much to say about the summary other than, it was short and to the point, but good enough to make me want more and to continue with the first chapter. “ pedophile whore.” this should be interesting. The layout is very dark and immediately I understood what type of story this will be and it’s thrilling. The layout banner is disturbing in the sense of I got this will probably be an abuse story, but of what kind and that’s what I can’t wait to find out.

    [1]

    I read the first chapter, and for the love of Kanye, that was intense. I simply wasn’t expecting that. To be honest, I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it was good in a weird kind of sick and perverted way and very descriptive, not too graphic, but graphic enough to picture what was happening.

    Noona, being curious, I looked up and it’s a Korean word for older girl or sister, which alone placed another perspective on things, did she just commit incest with her brother? The way she creep on Taemin by peeking through the keyhole was weird and how she described him wasn’t natural, her stability from the beginning is in question and as I said, her actions are disturbing to say the least. I would have to agree with her, when Noona said she wasn’t sure how it happened, and I’m not sure either; I thought the sex between the two characters escalated quickly, however, you did keep my attention going from beginning to end, at moments my jaw literally dropped, that’s always good too.

    [2]

    I knew I had to read the second chapter to get some questions answered. I was starting to wonder who this female was and now I know! But one thing I forgot to mention which was stated in the first chapter about the woman’s appearance and how she mentioned Taemin wouldn’t find her attractive because she was chunky and had cellulite, but she still got that dick anyway made me laugh, he's going to fall for her, huh? I feel it. Okay, so moving on. . . so, Jennifer is a twenty-six year old maid working for a famous South Korean band, I got that, and this chapter, I felt (I know it’s only the second one) was going through the motions and getting us ready for something huge. I saw there are 13 chapters altogether; I won’t have time to read them all, even though I want love to, I will have to come back due to time management but I think this has a lot of potential so far.

    I’m not familiar with the band you’re writing about, but overall from the first two chapters, I can tell the third will be captivating. And as far as my take on Jennifer as a character, I can’t/ don’t feel sorry for her (so far), she will probably get what she deserved and I hope she does because I wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she read the letter, I mean the woman did sleep with a child. But so far so good, with stories like these, there so taboo and interesting to me (and I like them). I only focused on the diction and plot here, and nothing else I’m not a fan of minor things like grammar or correcting small mistakes (boo). I got it and understood perfectly what you’re trying to create here. And I like it.

    [3]

    I've always had this idea that kissing would create complicated emotional bonds that are just too difficult to deal with.” – that’s weird and sad at the same time, I’ve never thought of it like that, kissing just seems so natural to everyone that no one thinks that simply kissing would bond people, well, maybe a little, but having sex definitely would, but in her case, it's different. Jennifer has problems and even though, her issues are clear as day, she is still human. Well damn, she didn’t need to be raped or mistreated like that by Jinki. I did say what was coming to her; she probably would have deserved, but I didn’t mean it like that, I was talking about jail time at least, but that’s sad and what a dick he is. Jennifer used to have a crush on him, too and I think he used to like her too, but Jinki just seemed like the jealous type anyway, wow, I’m disgusted at him now. I don’t quite understand Jinki’s purpose about hurting Jennifer yet, but I’m sure it will come up eventually. Overall, keep writing; you have a nice flow and good story telling abilities.
    Please read and review Gaspard & Anette Part III or Never Fuck a Poet. Thanks!
    August 5th, 2013 at 10:38pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    I absolutely love the layout. The photograph is so freaking pretty, ugh.

    I already know going into this that it’s going to be amazing, obviously because it’s written by you and everything you write is perfect and especially because it’s by Gaspard but you know, just yes. My body is ready.

    I really like the quote you’ve used, sadly I’ve never read anything by Chuck Palahnuik but omg do I need to. Your summary makes the story sound so god damn magical and exciting. The ‘imaginary garden’ ugh, reminds me of that quote ‘I am a very small bug and you are a very large garden.’

    I learnt to let the little pieces of my soul wash away and be remolded as I had I think that should be I ‘learned’, maybe I’m wrong but in my opinion it just sounds better.

    I may have been dead behind the eyes, oh my god, this line. It’s wonderful.

    So for whatever reason the way you write the dialogue is super kind of…choppy and stiff. I don’t know if you did this on purpose but because of Gaspard being French I’m totally reading everyone’s words in a French accent. So it works, but I’m not sure if it was intentional or not. You know?

    I also really enjoy how you can make even the most mundane activities such as unpacking or a drive to a new house seem so eloquent. You seriously are one of the best writer’s on the site and I just need to pick through each and every one of your piece’s until I’m dead on the floor.

    Oh my god, Gaspard my love. Ugh just this story rips me to pieces. You need to stahp.
    Please read and review Tasting Ivory.
    January 21st, 2014 at 12:21pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15230)

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    [summary / layout]

    You had me hooked from the very second I read the summary. I'm a sucker for stories where everything gets turned upside down so the idea of the narrator worrying that they wouldn't ever have a normal life again had me so intrigued. Couple that with the gorgeous banner and I'm definitely hoping to be in for a treat!

    [prologue]

    I know I should probably comment in order and say what I liked about the chapter overall, but firstly can I just say that I adore the way you've kind of book-ended the beginning and end by starting both first and last paragraphs by using the Elsa's full name? It's such a simple little thing but I think it draws everything together beautifully.

    And now onto actually commenting in order of reading. I really like that you've started off by using a mixture of short emphatic sentences and wonderfully poetic-sounding sentences when describing the sky. It gives the entire chapter this sense of mystery and kind of foreshadows with this lovely urgent tone, but I still get a perfect sense of the surroundings through the description which is just perfect -- not too flowery, but still enough to allow the reader to paint this wonderful picture in their mind.

    Honesty, the latter half of the prologue played out exactly like some of the better slasher movies I've seen. Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming with the language you've used, but I think I like that about it. You can imagine being right there with Elsa as the life drains out of her body and although it gave me the shivers, it works so well. You've done a fantastic job at writing that, I'd have botched it up something awful. In fact, I don't think I know many people that could have done as good a job with that scene without messing up somehow.

    [one]

    Adrian is instantly likeable. I just get the feeling that before he left, he was the atypical caring big brother and that warms me a lot. Almost instantly though, you bring this dark side into his character and show his flaws and I think that's great. I see too many older siblings in stories that are like saints and are put on pedestals like gods, but you bring Adrian right back down to the ground with that and it's really interesting to see that you've incorporated the whole shooting a civilian thing in, especially with the way you describe him feeling about the whole thing. It's one of the things that I don't see often enough in soldiers from books / stories, so it makes a lovely change to read that aspect of regret, although I do feel terribly sorry for Adrian for having to go through that.

    I wondered how Elsa being ripped apart was going to factor into the first chapter, so when I read the tail end of the chapter, I was really pleased (that's really sadistic, isn't it?) to see that it was Adrian that found her. I think it'll play out for a really interesting next chapter and it does finish on a bit of a cliffhanger so I'll definitely be subscribing to see what happens next!

    [critique]

    I honestly can't say I found much to critique. Your grammar is spot-on, description is lovely and in most places, you use a really varied amount of vocabulary. The only thing I noticed was in the following lines:

    The sky was just beginning to darken when the man finally looked up from the piece of wood he had been shaving down. The piece of furniture wasn’t nearly finished...

    This is super-picky, but the repetition of piece in both sentences threw me off a little. Literally the only thing I could find to critique when I was reading through though.

    [overall]

    Absolutely loved it. Your short chapters so far make this a really easy read and I love the amount of work that has evidently gone into it. The plot is really mysterious right now, but I am really looking forward to finding out what'll be happening in the future with this!
    If you could review Tribute or What It Is to Wonder, that would be fabulous. Cute
    January 21st, 2014 at 02:12pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    Just by looking at the layout, I got the impression that this story wasn't going to be a super happy, romance type of story. It gave me a somber sort of tone even before I read the summary, and all I have to say about this is that I think it will do an excellent job at enhancing the message of the story as the reader reads the story.

    I really like the summary because it really digs into the problem of the actual activity of The Hunger Games. The thought is something that I didn't really think about when I watched the movie (I haven't read the books yet), and I assume that not many people actually thought about the horror that are the games.
    Quote
    I was accustomed to war, but this was not war.
    For some reason, I really like this quote. By looking at it by itself, I feel that it is a fantastic way to begin the summary. It sets up a kind of, I guess I could say, bad feeling to the story because of the war aspect of it. To most of us, war is not a good thing and only makes us think of death and violence. As I read the rest of the summary, that is exactly what I found, the thought of death and violence, especially since it's The Hunger Games.

    I love the small amount of back story that is included about District Twelve. As someone who hardly knows a thing about the world itself, it's always nice to have some refreshers within a story if you haven't read it before or haven't read it in a while and don't really remember much about it. But what I liked most about it is that you didn't go into a full blown detail to what exactly happened in the first paragraph that it was mentioned. Just a few facts were cluttered around the chapter or between a few paragraphs.

    The fact that the district, and maybe many districts, have taken a complete 180 in the other direction frightens me, and just makes it known to the reader how the Hunger Games and how the government is really controlling the districts. If a district can go from being a carefree, loving place to a place of fear and rebellion, then something is terribly wrong. I mention this because it does give the reader a perfect picture of how the government runs and rules their citizens. It's a frightening example of the world that they live in, and you have done a wonderful job at portraying it.

    The character description was wonderful. Although there was only one major character mentioned in the chapter, I guess you could call it two if you consider the police force a character, her description was flawless. It painted a clear, perfect picture in my mind. And I want to say that I was pleasantly surprised that the escort was not the woman that is featured in the movies. I guess when I think of the escort, she's the only woman that I think of.

    All of the small, but important facts that you have mentioned in the story, to me, were quite helpful and I think that they really added to the chapter itself. By including them in the first chapter, as you actually begin the story, the reader, like me who hardly knows anything about the world, can get a rough idea of the world and the characters that they are getting themselves into as they read the story. The facts are littered among the actual story, but, like I said before, I believe that they help with keeping the reader caught up to what exactly is happening without any confusion.

    I can't say that I found anything that I disliked about this story, even though it is only one chapter long. Since the main characters and the people around her/ him haven't really been introduced, I can't really mention anything about them since I know nothing about them. If you couldn't already tell, I only had good things to say about the story; it instantly caught my eye from the layout and summary alone (which is always a good thing), and I guess the only other thing that I can say is that I'm looking forward to what events unfold in the future.
    Could you review Lace Princess, please?
    April 16th, 2014 at 08:47pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15230)

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    [ summary / layout ]

    The entire layout just seems to fit the title and the general idea I get from the summary, which is awesome. Everything is really well put-together and simple, nothing detracts from the reading itself. Your summary really does hook the reader in - you give enough information and then you add in little seeds that instantly get the reader interested - so I'm quite interested to see where things go with both princesses and how they intend to spice up their lives.

    [ a dancing princess ]

    I like stories that start off with dialogue, so I really like that you push the reader right into the middle of the scene with some dialogue. The description of the dancing is really pretty, but you get this slightly clumsy edge to the image that I think is typical of kids and adolescents. I know I definitely can't dance well so the stumbling and everything like that pulled me right in.

    Your description throughout is really beautiful, actually. I love how you describe the transformation of the ballroom from ordinary and mundane to a room fit for a princess. I also like that even though you describe certain things in great detail, you're feeding the characters to the audience in dribs-and-drabs. It works really well and makes me want to read on.

    Was there a secret that was held within the locket? I did not know - I adore these two lines. So simple, but it makes me wonder if that'll be an integral part to the plot. To include some subtle foreshadowing and / or red herring in the first chapter usually doesn't work for me but it's been written in so effortlessly that I don't really mind. It works, and I really want to know what's going to happen next with the necklace.

    [ a princess who ran ]

    I love how effortlessly the two writing styles merge from chapter to chapter. It seems like such a silly and trivial thing to mention, but the similarity in the last line of the previous chapter and the first line of this chapter links everything together so well and as a reader, it's almost like a soft transition from one writer to the other. The actual styles themselves work well, there is very little difference between the two and it reads like one author. In co-writes, I think that's definitely important.

    I'm instantly intrigued with the amount of mystery that's been added into this chapter. There are all these tiny little hooks that kept me reading - why did Estelle not ask her parents' permission or even tell them where she was going? How does she know that Aurelia is set to wed before Aurelia herself knows? Who is this guy and why does he induce lumps in the throat? It's all very mysterious and cliff-hangerish and I'm definitely interested in reading on to have my questions answered.

    [ a silly rumor]

    I love how reasonable and realistic Aurelia's thought train is when she finds out about Henry. It's typical of someone to think those things, regardless of how well-adjusted to royal life they are and I think it'll definitely be interesting to move on and see how she processes that and how it influences her decisions.

    Again, Henry is mentioned and he doesn't seem nice at all. All the talk of magic and dark secrets makes me incredibly wary and even though I haven't yet met him, I'm already beginning to feel incredibly hostile towards him. Honestly, I'd like to see the reasoning behind the marriage - as the end of the chapter states, there must be a reason - because I think they either don't realise how cruel he seems or they desperately need something and that'd definitely be something that'd interest me to find out.

    [ a beast at a feast ]

    Getting Henry vibes off of that title most definitely.

    I love the attention to detail in this chapter. The dress, the ballroom, everything. It all just seems so wonderful and I can picture it so vividly in my head. The little interactions you show between the cousins really does show their closeness and relationship and as someone who values family, I find that really heartwarming to read.

    Ah, Henry. He's so dark and mysterious and he makes me entirely uneasy. His actions right form the start just don't wash with me and I can see him being formidable force in the future.

    I'm both heartened and nervous that they'll be leaving. I'm excited because hopefully they can disappear enough that Henry won't find them but I know fiction. Something horrible is going to happen and I'm not too sure whether I'm ready for that. I've grown quite attached to both princesses over the course of the four chapters and I'd hate to see Henry do something that would jeopardise their mission to run away.

    [ overall ]

    I love the storyline. I haven't read many arranged marriage stories where the planned bride is repulsed so much that she feels running away is the best answer and I get the idea from the chapters that she won't try and go back and realise she's fallen in love with him. The addition of that dark magic is so intriguing and I'm looking forward to seeing where you both take that in the future.

    In terms of writing, everything is pretty sound. The two writing styles differ enough that you can tell that two different people are writing the chapters, but everything gels together so smoothly that it doesn't make a difference to the overall flow of the story. I like that you both have your own little unique things throughout and I like the differences between the characters. As of yet, the characters are still building up and I wouldn't want to make snap judgements on them as characters, but everything seems to be building up well. I can see traits - both good and bad - coming out and they both definitely look as if they're shaping up to be good characters.

    I'm definitely interested by this. I'll be keeping an eye on this to make sure that I can get all of my questions answered. Keep up the good work!
    If you could review Trouble, that would be awesome. Cute
    April 24th, 2014 at 10:37pm
  • SecretPiggyMafia

    SecretPiggyMafia (100)

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    Okay, so here is my review.

    -Description: I dislike it. It’s just one sentence, for starters. Even though the sentence does make the reader somewhat interested, I just feel that you shouldn’t rely on just one sentence ALONE to hook readers in. Also, since this is a fan fiction, I think you should mention the name of the fandom that the character is from. Just my personal opinion.

    -Layout: I’m undecided. I mean, at frist I was thinking it was dull because it’s mainly grey, but then I thought maybe that is for the best. After all, grey is a basic color; it goes with anything and gives a serious tone. So, despite the fact that it’s not exciting, maybe that’s for the best. Maybe.

    -Banner: I like it. It’s a good image and I like the fact that it’s a GIF, but it’s not one of those ones so full of action that it distracts the reader. It’s great.

    -Chapter titles: I like them. Nothing wrong with them at all, and the first one seems really interesting.

    -Chapter one: *The opening sentence: ” Reno had never run so fast in his entire life.” Is great. Perfect for hooking the reader. I like it.
    *Your diction, I like it for the most part. Your vocabulary isn’t bad in this chapter, but I feel like trying new syllables for certain words, and using more complex words would be a good idea. It isn’t bad at all; the reader can understand what you’re saying, but I feel like maybe a thesaurus could make it better. I could be wrong. My favorite word that you used: Mustering.

    *The tone of this chapter: Very good. Very suspenseful. Puts the reader in the perfect mood for this scene.

    *I like how descriptive this chapter is. For example, this sentence: “He could hear their thundering footsteps getting closer and closer, echoing throughout his ears and mixing with the muffled sounds of his own heartbeat. “ Thundering footsteps..muffled heartbeat…and talking about the two sounds mixing. Perfect. This is exactly what it sounds like when someone is running in a panic. Perfect. There were other things you described that I liked too, but this is one example.

    *I just wanted to say, I really liked the onomatopoeia in this chapter, “Wub-dub. Crunch-crack. Whoosh-whip”. Use of onomatopoeia is always great, and the ones you used were very realistic to real life sounds.

    *The only flaw I caught, and I’m not even sure it is a flaw is that you used the word headfirst. Shouldn’t it be head first? Maybe I’m wrong.
    Only issue is I think you could try experimenting and using new words to spice it up.

    -Chapter two *The Opening sentence: It’s okay. Not great, but not bad. It just…is…I guess. It’s always good to use dialogue at the beginning; it’s a great idea. There’s nothing wrong with the sentence, but it’s just not super attention grabbing.

    *Character introduction/description. I like how you described Elena. I liked how you said she had fiery eyes, mentioned how Reno (as well as other men) wanted her and described her as every man’s worst nightmare. It makes her seem interesting. However, I also feel like that instead of relying of just adjectives like overzealous, commanding, etc, you should also do this thing called “show, don’t tell”. Show the reader she is commanding, but telling them ogf a time when she was, instead of just flat out saying it. I’m not saying you need to go back and change it, but I think you should keep it in mind. Make sure that you give her these qualities later on in the story, and you’ll be fine. Many readers just tell you “Oh, this character is like this and like this and like this”, but they NEVER end up displaying it in the story. Don’t make this mistake.

    *Description of appearances of characters: I notice you haven’t described anyone’s appearances (other than calling Elena a blonde bombshell). Don’t freak out, this isn’t a big deal…as long as you make sure to mention some of it later on. For example, in a later chapter saying something like “he ran his fingers through his (insert color here) hair.” or, “The moonlight illuminated her (insert adjective here) skin.” Stuff like that, you know? I think maybe you could ass something about Tseng’s appearance in this chapter, though.

    *The dialogue: Good, nothing wrong with it.

    *Grammar/spelling mistakes: I didn’t find any.
    *Only flaws I see are: describe character appearance, you need to try using the “show, don’t tell” method, and I really wish you’d explain more about this fandom to any readers that aren’t familiar with it. I mean, from reading this story, I’m still unfamiliar with the world that this takes place in for the most part. For me, as a non fan, words like Investigation Sector of the General Affairs Departmen, and Elite Operatives, and talking about Rufus Shinra…it literally makes no sense to me. Don’t assume that all your readers are fans of the fandom; try to write it so non fans can understand, too.

    Bottom line: Is the story good or bad? Good. Well-written. Good. As so ends my review.
    I would like Rarae Aves to be reviewed. Thank you.
    June 21st, 2014 at 03:41am