Story Review Thread

  • wicked ways

    wicked ways (100)

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    done ^
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    Title, layout, description:
    Well, firstly, I love the layout for the story. It's amazing and I always want to read a story if it has a nice layout so well done on that. I don't quite understand the title of the story but I'll probably understand it more when you update it.
    The description is brilliant but maybe gave a bit too much away. But it does make you want to read more, it's quite good.

    chapter:
    The first chapter (and only chapter) is a good length and gives you a good idea as to what the story is about. You describe everything in such great detail; I could imagine it all so clearly and I love that when I'm reading a story. I didn't find one spelling mistake so that's a definate plus!
    Overall, I loved the story and I can't wait for you to update it ^^ Definatly subscribing.
    Ann-rexia Nervosa (nc-17)
    July 15th, 2010 at 11:12pm
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Title
    I'm not fond of the title to be honest with you. I get the connection. Her name is Anna and it fits in with the disorder, but it's not very catchy or tempting. Seeing this, I know immediately what it's about it but I have no desire to read it.

    Layout
    The photo is just gross, but I suppose for a topic like this you need that. I, myself, have written plenty of stories related to eating disorders and you need a photo like that to draw you in. However the title sprawled across the photo like that isn't very appealing either.

    The font is very small and difficult to read, so I'd recommend making that larger.

    Summary
    Again, not a fan. I would assume that many people know what Anorexia Nervosa is, but then again that's an assumption. I like that you put what it is but not where you put it. I think it'd be better in the author's note and a summary of the actual story rather than the disease. That would suit better and would draw in more readers, in my opinion at least.

    Story

    Like I said before I liked that her name was Anna and how you incorporated it into Anorexia. Anna for some reason is one of my favorite names. I just have a fondness for 'A' names. >.< It's weird, really.

    She suddenly felt the need to be sick when she saw her reflection in the mirror. This sentence doesn't suit well for me. The wording of it is just off. I don't think you feel 'a need to be sick' but you rather just feel disgusted with yourself. Actually, I don't think I know having gone through this[bulimia, similar things]. And if she were to go be sick, she would have Bulimia Nervosa not anorexia. Anorexia is where you choose not to eat, where bulimia is where you binge and purge.[eating and throwing up everything you ate]. Then there's other eating disorders that go beyond that into just disturbing lengths but I don't feel the need to delve into that.

    put on a baggy hood this is just a personal thing. But I feel like putting 'oversized sweatshirt' would sound and work much better.

    I also don't really feel the emotion. I think you could put thoughts in there. What she's feeling, how she's thinking, why she's doing this. I just don't feel it.

    Food was evil, she decided. I think it should be she had decided. If this has been going on for a while then she's hated food for quite awhile.


    Anna stared in disgust at her mother, eating that stuff, it was pure evil.
    Okay, um, to put it bluntly, this sentence makes no sense. The way it's worded. If you split it up and made them each into their own sentences by adding more words then it would sound much much better.

    “Are you sure you’re not hungry?” she questioned you need to capitalize the 's' in she.

    She took off her clothes and cut herself, cut along the fat on her stomach, the fat on her thighs, her fat hit hips until her body was bleeding all over, bright scarlet blood trickling all over her body, down her legs, across her feet, staining her toenails a deep red colour and eventually reached the floor. Whoa, what? I'm sorry, but that just kind of came out of nowhere. I still don't feel the emotion in this story. This is a very, very tough topic to write about. And capturing the emotion is even tougher, and I just don't feel it. Basically, what I'm getting is "ew, I'm gross, I'm going to cut myself." Well, what did she cut herself with? Why is she feeling no pain? Why is she cutting herself? What does that do for her? Do you see what I'm getting at? There could be so much in this, but I'm getting none of it.

    You say 'body' a lot in these next few paragraphs. It really disrupts the flow of the story. Find some different words/phrases to use.

    Anna gently pinched the fat around her stomach and cut more. She heard her mom yell for her and immediately put down the razor and put back on her clothes, wincing at the pain when her clothes rubbed off her cuts. “Coming!” she yelled. This isn't logical. If she had been cutting herself as much as you explained, first off, I doubt she'd just wince. The blood would be soaking through her clothing, and it would hurt it wouldn't just be wince-worthy.


    “Anna, darling, you have to eat something, you’ve been awake for nearly four hours without nothing to eat still,”
    So? That's hardly a problem. I can't use myself as an example, because I never eat breakfast. But there are plenty of people who are up a long time before they even have time to think about breakfast.

    The boyfriend bit kind of threw me off. I feel like you're just jumping into subjects. Trying to find random reasons for her to be anorexic. there's not a deep meaning that you're delving into. It's just, really...random. And it's not making much sense to me.

    “Anna, please, for me? You’re wasting away. You haven’t been eating properly all week and I’m worried about you.” I donut her mother would notice a weight change in just a week. Sure she'd notice the lack of eating, but there's always an excuse for that. Period, etc. There could be more relevant reasons for her mother to notice something.

    Kate broke down in tears. She fell to her knees and rocked back and forward. She didn’t know what she was doing wrong. This seems like a very immature thing for a mother to do. If I were here I'd be like what the eff? And go after my daughter and demand what's wrong. The only reason for tears is when she finds out if her daughter is anorexic. Then that's plenty cause for a breakdown. Not just her daughter storming away and not wanting to eat.

    Also, if her daughter is just not eating for a week. There are so many girls who do that. That's not automatic cause for anorexia suspicions. She could just be like OH MY GOD I'M A PUBESCENT HORMONAL GIRL I DON'T WANT FOOD I'M FAT. Now if this was going on for months...then there's worry to be had. But you make it seem like it's been going on for much less time than that.

    I don't know if you're doing a chaptered story for this. So I'm not going to say anything about the ending. But if this were a one-shot, I'd have many complaints. >.<

    Overall

    You lack the emotion I was hoping for with a story like this. Also, it seems like spurts of ideas that you haven't fully thought through. It's really random and it doesn't make much sense. Also, like I said a lot her mother seemed very immature, and I doubt that she'd act like that if her teenage daughter just stormed away. You're a teenage girl, you should know that.

    I'm sorry if this seemed harsh, but I'm very...knowledgable when it comes to eating disorders. And I like them to be right. So, I hope this helped in some way. And you'll consider what I've said.
    Longest review I have ever written. o.O

    Any under twenty comments.
    July 15th, 2010 at 11:49pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    done ^
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    Title, layout, description:
    Well, firstly, I love the layout for the story. It's amazing and I always want to read a story if it has a nice layout so well done on that. I don't quite understand the title of the story but I'll probably understand it more when you update it.
    The description is brilliant but maybe gave a bit too much away. But it does make you want to read more, it's quite good.

    chapter:
    The first chapter (and only chapter) is a good length and gives you a good idea as to what the story is about. You describe everything in such great detail; I could imagine it all so clearly and I love that when I'm reading a story. I didn't find one spelling mistake so that's a definate plus!
    Overall, I loved the story and I can't wait for you to update it ^^ Definatly subscribing.
    Ann-rexia Nervosa (nc-17)
    This review wasn't substantial enough. You need to go back and add to it. Point out things that are more specific, use examples, give your thoughts on specific parts of the stories. This is too vague.

    If you need examples of a proper review, you can check out these posts:

    [1] [2] [3] [4]
    The next person can get silk tea.'s story, ( the one above mine post).

    [edit] The post above mine. I have no idea what kind of awkwardly phrased statement I was making before. Shocked
    July 16th, 2010 at 01:04am
  • Bella Goes Away.

    Bella Goes Away. (860)

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    silk tea. - Claimed! Reviewed!
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    Title:
    It's a sweet enough title. It doesn't tell you too much about the story, but it sort of sets the mood.

    Layout.
    The banner is cute, but I would've liked it to be a bit... more. Like with maybe some colors, some blending. Not just a googled picture that might've been a bit resized, but an actual banner. The background was also a bit boring. But it's readable.

    Summary.
    I'm not too fond of stories that don't have an original summary. I feel that then there is nothing that's drawing me in to actuallt read the story, unless the quote is one that just really stands out. I feel the summary is lacking, due to the use of a quote (song?) only. Also, I don't like that you haven't capitalized it properly, as far as I know you need to capitalize your summary properly too? Also, the lack of a space between commas and brackets is a bit irking. If I'd just stumbled upon this story I probably wouldn't have read it due to this, I'm afraid.

    Story.
    I think it's a bit too much to use a full paragraph just to describe his looks. Yes, normally I would like it, but for such a short oneshot it just feels like it takes up space. At least in my opinion.

    He would say something like she wasn’t ready for something like this, but she feared he never thought she’d be ready for anything.
    - I think the repeat of the word "something" kind of stops the flow a little bit. I would love to see another word used instead. It disrupts the flow even more since the word "anything" follows too.

    Benny would never believe her to be ready for any type of normalcy, and Sam was as normal as she could get.
    - I don't like the end of this sentence, because to me it feels like she's impying that she has to settle for Sam since he's basically "as normal as she could get." Like "normal" is her most important goal, and Sam's just the only one she could land.

    Benny had gotten away as much as possible, always at work pretending to work on cars.
    - Again, the repeat of the word "work" disrupts the flow a little I think.

    She was the reason his life sucked as much as it did, and Joon knew that.
    - The word "sucked" pretty much ruins the entire paragraph. I mean, you use such delicate and beautiful language through out the story, and suddenly the word "sucked" is thrown in? It, to me, brings down the level a few notches.

    She was his sick sister, and an obligation in his life, an obligation that kept him away from everything.
    - I feel this should be two sentences, divided after "his life".

    Overall the oneshot is very sweet. I mean, in some parts I feel like you're painting Benny out to be a bad person, and I wasn't too fond of that. But overall it has a nice language, nice use of grammar, the sentence structure is very nice and it flows very well. Though I don't "feel" it with your portrayal of Joon, I feel that you've captured Sam perfectly. I like the mention of how he's mostly frowning. And I like the half awkward tension when they're about to go all the way (at least that's how I read it as?).

    She felt like Sam's garden.
    - This was a very sweet ending. :)
    Please review Colors.
    July 16th, 2010 at 01:15am
  • liam payne.

    liam payne. (250)

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    YO! I GOT THIS CLAIMED, HOMESLICE! FORIZZLE! Done. tehe
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    Title/Summary/Layout:
    The title is really interesting and grasps the whole story well. I always loved one worded titles and this one is just perfect. It's interesting and pulls you in and fits in with the plot.

    As for the summary, I feel it works very nicely. You don't give away to much, but give just enough to make the reader interested. I love how well it flows with the title and I feel that it makes the story seem that much more exciting and good.

    And the layout is just marvelous. I'm really in love with it. The banner is amazingly gorgeous and it works well with the end of the story. Also, the background is beautiful and intricate but in no way distracts the reader from the stories. Not to mention the story's body is something I admire. Black text on white surface. I just love it when authors do that because it makes the story look neat and concise and very legible.

    Story:

    I love the opening line. It gets the reader fueled with curiosity and really makes you wonder what the story will hold. The repetition of losing color makes the reader wonder what exactly you mean by that.

    The first two paragraphs, I feel, really help set the tone of the story. In these two paragraphs we learn so much about Juliet. That is amazingly pulled off, because you didn't just straight up describe her, you did it in a way where we weren't just reading description. With these two paragraphs, we get that her life is gray. It's run on a schedule. It's neat and orderly. And it's boring. Learning that really makes the reader grasp the concept of color that you have laid out.

    The following paragraphs are amazing as well. Here we really get the sense that something is wrong in her life. We know that she is planning something big, but you never really give away what her plan is. It is also very relatable, because no one wants to live a routinized life where the only thing you see left is gray.

    And yet, within minutes she’d ripped it opened like it was a bottle of cheap vodka from the grocery store.
    This line really stood out to me. It shows us just exactly how willing Juliet is to go through with her plan. It displays her eagerness very well and is just the line that makes you realize just how unhappy she is. Most authors can't display emotion like that without clearly stating, "She really wanted to go through this." So, I feel that this line was well delivered and greatly put.

    She didn’t have to go back to the bathroom for the pills; she’d already arranged them perfectly on the countertop, lining them up in even rows.
    This line was also amazing. It not only brings us back to Juliet's neat and orderly character, but you get a real feel about how planned out she had this. Most people think of suicide as something that people just do, but this line really helps the reader understand that most suicides are planned and laid down. This line, as well as her taking a shower and putting on a nice outfit really show how planned and ready she was for this.

    She coughed, once, twice, and she felt her body trying to reject what she’d consumed, but she fought it.
    Once again you've given us a real feel about how much she wanted to die. She could've easily vomited the pills back up, but her choking everything back down really told us how she felt. The emotion is just beautiful and I love how you portray it in a weird, almost subliminal way.

    “When I look at people, I see their colors-” she held a hand up to stop the question that so nearly fell from his lips “-no I don’t mean it like that.” Her voice was firm. “I mean that when I look at people, I associate them with a color.”
    Yayyy! :D I love how well you incorporated the title and summary with this paragraph. Now we can get a better understanding of what Juliet is going through and we can relate to her even more. It also eases up some of the suspense that the reader has because now we can clearly see what exactly was meant by the whole "color" thing.

    “Now there’s nothing. Everyone’s just gray, and I didn’t want to live in a world where no one was a color anymore.”
    This goes back to her gray life and how she doesn't want to live it. She wants to go back to everything she had before and she felt that it wouldn't happen, so she'd just need to end her life. I love how you incorporated the colors with this. It is really unique and works so well with this story.

    He knew he was growing dangerously attached, but he couldn’t hand her over to any of the other counselors; he needed their sessions just as much as she did.
    This perfectly shows that attachment that some people get. They always look at the person like they are so brilliant and amazing and that, again, is very relatable. It's real and it's something that happens so often -that attachment that people get and this line delivers that well.

    Never before had something so simple made her feel so happy. Looking forward, she watched the sun kiss the ocean, as the sky behind it glared in an angry orange, as if trying to force the sun to stay up just a little longer.
    These lines are just beautiful and creates such a vivid and wild mental image. The wording is perfect and the description in just amazing I love how you say that the sun 'kisses' the ocean. That part really stood out to me and made a great picture in my head.

    Ending:
    D'awwww. In Love The ending is just so adorable and it really helps show how much Juliet as a person evolved and truly changed her life around. I love how cute the ending was. It was such a nice turn of feeling and emotions that you get while reading this. It's always nice to end on such a soft, sweet note and I feel you pulled it off really well.

    It was also really great how you incorporated colors once again and it makes you glad that Juliet can see those colors in people. It was just a nice topping to the cake. tehe

    Overall:
    All I really have to say is, "wow." This is the first story I've ever read where I didn't find small flaws or silly things that really irk my nerve. For once, I've found a story that truly captures my interest and really makes me feel so many emotions that truly stick with me.

    The concept of the story was so unique and just simply beautiful. I am truly in love with the characters you've built and the plot you've created. And it just stuns me how you've managed to create such a wild, vivid world in just a few paragraphs. This is honestly -honestly- an amazing work and you have major talent.

    Is it sad that the only thing that bugs me about this story is how I can't find one flaw in it? XD It truly is just a perfect little masterpiece.

    I'm super impressed. Very well done.
    Could you please do chapters one and two of Shoot Me? Cute
    July 16th, 2010 at 06:59pm
  • die Bienen Knie

    die Bienen Knie (150)

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    Summary: I really liked the summary. You gave away just enough information to give your reader the jist of the plot line but was vauge enough so that they'd still want to read it.

    Layout: Although I think the text area is a bit skinny, I absoulutely adore you banner and it's easy to read.

    Chapter One: Zacky’s Story

    “’I never claimed to be a genius, just a mastermind.’”

    Love the first line, it definitely drew me in.

    “He ran his short fingers through Kierstin Anderson’s long, dark brown hair. The two had been dating for three months now and Zacky couldn’t be happier. Zacky chuckled at his girlfriend’s bored facial expression.”

    I think you were too blunt here. Sometimes bluntness gives the piece a neat feel, but here it just seemed like you were listing random facts. I would have rather gotten to know the characters as I went.

    “Zacky put both of his hands on either side of his girlfriend’s sun kissed face.”

    This is a much better description than the first one of “long dark brown hair.”

    “His band, which was goofily titled Mad Porno Action...”

    I think the word “goofily” makes the piece seem a little unproffesional…

    “Though Kierstin was close friends with most of the cheerleaders, she didn’t dress or act the way they did. Kierstin was the girl who wore ripped jeans and a graphic tee to school. She was the girl who wore bright, exotic jewelry and wrote poetry. She was Zacky’s girlfriend and she made him whole.”

    Although I really like that last line, the stuff before it just seems really cliché to me…

    “He placed a kiss on her pale lips, even though he knew the life behind them was gone.”

    So sad, but well written.

    “Zacky wondered if she died knowing he had lied to her.”

    Fantastic last line of this section.

    Matt’s Story

    “Everything about her screamed perfection.”

    I think this summed up her description perfectly.

    “That was when the shooter put the gun up to his own head and pulled the trigger.”

    Ok, so now I’m interested in who this shooter is.
    Their... please.
    July 17th, 2010 at 01:07am
  • tabula rasa.

    tabula rasa. (120)

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    Summary/Banner/Title:
    There’s not really any summary—just a quote from the one-shot, but the banner and the title have me curious as to what the one-shot is going to be about. I think the banner is really well made.

    Story:
    I really like how you start this out. It’s not necessarily needed information, but it’s information that tells you that something has happened between this woman and someone else.

    I also really like the second paragraph. Your description is just wonderful and you can just picture this guy and how he used to be and how he is now. It’s got me really curious as to what has happened.

    She should have seen it coming, but she hadn’t. It was completely reasonable...and yet it seemed unreal.
    I think this is great. I think it can be really hard to see what someone you really care about is actually capable of and I think you captured that really well.

    The man she had once planned on spending her entire life with had come so close to taking the life of someone else.
    I like how you keep repeating that she had planned to spend her entire life with this person. It really shows that this woman loved this man and that she trusted him.

    I really like the dialogue—it flows really well and you can really feel this tension between the two. I think it really fits that you find out that the woman hasn’t once visited this man the entire time he was in jail. She had really loved him and had thought she knew him so well. I can only imagine that it would be difficult to face someone who you really thought you knew.

    “I just wanted to let you know, thanks to me you’re always gonna win at ‘whose ex is crazier,’” he smiled sadly.

    “No, I won’t,” her eyes glossing over as she took his hand for the first time in ages, “I haven’t spoken to him in years but the last time I checked my ex has a desk job in Rhode Island.”

    I really like how you ended this. It’s on a bit of a lighter note, but I think it really fits.

    I think this was a wonderful one-shot and I honestly have nothing bad to say about it. Your descriptions were just wonderful and this was just packed with a lot of emotion. Excellent job on this. Cute
    Foolish Games, please.
    July 17th, 2010 at 02:46am
  • dontcallmepuddin!

    dontcallmepuddin! (105)

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    I like how your layout matches your banner, but I don't really like the colors you used. I'm just not one for the color brown or an olive green.

    They were never officially together, but somehow they were officially over. Your opening line was informative, but not too informative. I liked it because ideas of what the story might be about started racing through my head. The opening line intrigued me, which made me want to know what exactly it was refering to. If that makes any sense.

    The dialogue was very good. I could feel the emotion through their words. It was descriptive enough for me to imagine the argument actually taking place right in front of me. The parts that weren't dialogue, I'm not sure what they would be called, maybe narrative or description, were also really well written. You balanced out the dialogue and narrative nicely.

    A strangled sob escaped Emily, followed by another and another until her sobs were the only noise that filled the empty kitchen. Brendon had broken Emily’s heart more times than she could count and each time seemed to hurt worse than the last. This wasn’t the first time that Brendon had decided to leave because Emily was putting too much of her emotions on the table. And even though this had happened before, Emily never had any hope that Brendon would return. Every time he left, she believed it was for good. She didn’t ever expect him to return and make her promise to not let her emotions get in the way of what they shared.

    All she could think of was about how much she loved Brendon. She loved him and he knew it. That’s why he would leave. And that’s why he would come back because he knew that she would take him back, no matter how they had ended things before.

    But Brendon didn’t come back this time. And Emily wasn’t surprised.

    The ending wasn't what I expected. The ending was completely unpredictable to me, this sort of ending never even crossed my mind. I loved that about it! I thought that Brendon and Emily were just a fling, but they're actually long time lovers without commitment or an actual relationship. I never expected that their "relationship" was a reoccuring one. The ending was great!

    At first, I didn't give much thought to the title, but after I finished reading the story the title immediately clicked. The title fits the story and describes it perfectly. I didn't really know what to expect from the title, but after I read the story I was like, "Oh, duh! Why didn't I think of that?"

    I also don't think I saw any mistakes in spelling or grammar. Good job.

    I enjoyed reading this. I wish you good luck with the contest. (:
    Please read the first chapter of my story April Showers. I'd like to know if it draws the reader in enough to make them want to read the rest of the story.
    July 17th, 2010 at 03:59am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    Story Review Thread: Chapter One

    I just wanted to say, first, that I really liked the summary of the story. The simplicity of it worked well, and I think it helped set the mood and the tone for the first person. It left my mind kind of…white, so when I read the next chapter the characters kind of appeared. I like that I didn’t have any real notion of what the story was about, and even though some people find that to be a turn off when starting to read a story, I think it just works here. The summary made me want to read more because it was (1) worded very well – I love the short and to the point sentence, and (2) it made me curious.

    With the first paragraph, I think you drew a very good picture of waiting. You captured her anxiousness very well and it made me think of a person either sitting in a waiting room or an airport (which is why the whole “white mind” thing I mentioned before worked so well).

    The accents, I definitely think I should mention it: Though I think you did a good job of creating an accent, I don’t know if it’s coming off as the right accent. I’m thinking this is a Bring Me The Horizon fanfic, and they’re British, right? Reading the dialogue, I didn’t think British. It sounded a bit more Pirate to me, and as I read, I couldn’t get the pirate accent out of my head (which ruined the mood of the story for me).

    Though the story is well-written, if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t continue reading this. Just from the first chapter, the story seems to be moving in the direction of a lot of fanfics I’ve read. And though I’m slightly curious about the relationship between Tom and Dahlia, I feel like I can probably correctly predict the extent of it, as well as guess at where it’ll end up. I think you gave too much away about both Dahlia’s and Tom’s (possible) feelings for each other in that first chapter – which makes me think the story might end up being rushed and maybe even a bit cheesy.

    Also, for a first chapter - which, from its length, I’m guessing to be a bit of a prologue/into chapter – I think we got too much into Dahlia’s head. I feel that she’s telling us too much too soon and not leaving anything for later or leaving anything for the readers to think on and draw their own conclusions. Personally, I’d much rather witness the relationship and learn about it as it’s going on, than be flat out told how each person feels. I want to see it for myself in the character’s actions and interactions and not just be told.
    Please read Intent or Pete or the third chapter of Swagger or the fourth chapter of Perpetual Guilt.
    July 17th, 2010 at 04:11am
  • UsagiChaan

    UsagiChaan (155)

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    Summary: The summary was very well written. It doesn't give too much away, and it helps gain the reader's interest. I really like that a lot.

    Chapter 1: For an introduction chapter, it really draws the reader in, which is excellent. I love the details you put into the characters without having to come out and say it. I actually formed pictures in my mind of what Damon and Tina were doing, and that was wonderous,

    I love the way Tina and Damon interact with each other toward the end of the chapter. It makes me wonder what he needs her help with.

    No spelling or grammar issues that I saw, so kudos for that.

    All in all, I thought it was a good introduction chapter. I really enjoyed reading it, even though I don't know Vampire Diaries at all.

    I'm sorry this is such a short review.
    If you could read Blueshirt Blues, please.
    July 18th, 2010 at 02:32am
  • die Bienen Knie

    die Bienen Knie (150)

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    Banner/Layout: I love the banner, the picture is cute and I love the font that you used for the title/credit on it. I like the colors you chose and it’s simple and easy to read. The borders look nice and I like the way you set the red one up to separate the banner, title, story content, ect. The georgia font used for the story content worked well and I think you set up the width of the story content well, it bothers me when it’s real skinny but when you’ve written something short it doesn’t look nice when it’s super wide either.

    Summary: The summary was great, you introduced the story well and your balanced how much you should put in without giving away too much of the story itself.

    Story: “Anna’s voice still sent shockwaves through my system. I loved hearing it, but it still broke my heart. She had dated me for nearly three years before she just broke off the relationship, and now she was dating Sean Avery…”

    Ok, so it seems like you’re having some tense issues here.

    “‘Three months isn’t enough time to get over someone you dated for a year, coach,’”

    You said earlier that they’d dated three years.

    “I could picture the look on his face and it made me bust out laughing. I laughed so hard the tears I held back came out as tears of laughter.”

    I think you should have explained what his face would have looked like…I just couldn’t picture it and if it was so funny that Hank started laughing I think you should have helped your readers to picture it.

    “Hank, I’m not making any headway in figuring out why she left you,” He said quietly. “I’ll tell you, though, that as soon as I know, you’ll know.” I smiled at him.

    All in All: I thought the plot line was pretty good, though obviously since this was just an introduction chapter I can’t tell you much about characters and such because I haven’t gotten to know them yet (which is why the review is so short, if the story would have been longer I would have added more I’m sorry). I am however, quite interested in what Sean is gonna figure out about why Anna left Hank. I didn't quite understand that though...is he dating her because he's actually interested and is only trying to figure stuff out so that Hank isn't mad at him or is he just dating her to help his friend?
    Their... please.
    July 18th, 2010 at 09:15pm
  • The Master

    The Master (15)

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    This is a very interesting story. I think it deals with a topic that is relatively undiscussed on Mibba (and perhaps society at large) - those who are left behind after a family member commits a serious crime. Perhaps it is the social barrier that people like to put up between an offender and "normal" human beings that makes this probably more poignant to not only those who have been in that situation but to others who are related to or who love someone who has been pushed into a social isolation (prison, mental health centre, etc) for whatever reason. I think that there is subtle inferences here and there to prisoners not being beneficial to the individual who has committed the crime but also shows light at the end of the tunnel which is a very surprising and hopeful conclusion; that prison (or such places) are not the end of the world and that people can change both ways - for good and bad. Although it's overall a sad story, there still is that hope, that really wonderful ending. Although it seems simple enough, I really like it. It's also a refreshing change to the usual depressing ending; it's not "happy-ever-after".

    I think I want to discuss your main focuses in my review: characterisation, symbolism and social commentary as well as a few ideas here and there as well as the usual commentary on layout and the like.

    Your characterisation is your biggest strength, I feel. The two main figures feel like they are rounded individuals and that during the text, there is a true development to their characters - whether as part of an unseen metamorphosis from sweet lover to attempted murderer or from heart-broken girlfriend to a freer, independent woman. Unnamed as they may be, this suits them better - they are anonymous. They don't need names, they just exist in the moment (I have a theory about your characters as allusions, but more on that later). The male character is - in particular - a well written character. He is an unorthodox character - undetailed in his extreme views but at least he has views that are just different to the characters usually seen on Mibba. For that unusualness, he's more real. I also vaguely imagine him as Renton from Trainspotting in appearance. This image brings about a sort of more heavy reliance from the female character. Her role seems to be very passive, turning passive-aggressive when angered. She seems to rely completely on this man who could turn so easily, perhaps in a sociopathic sense, who knows. She grows from the first instance to the second, she still seems reliant on the masculine influence but she's more independent, like she's had to learn the hard way to be on her own.

    Symbolically speaking, there us a lot of heavy symbolism that when you think about it, it has a lot of hidden depths (one in particular I want to discuss further in social commentary). There are three main "meanings" that I think could be taken from this. Firstly, that it is just a tragic love story gone sour which is what it is on the surface. Boyfriend nearly kills someone, she moves on. But then, some of the imagery used around her, there is a possible alternative meaning.

    I think - and this may sound mad - but it was her that he attempted to kill. It could be classified as a hate crime because of something she did or something she is and it flared up and he lashed out. Think that this conversation is more transcendental than initially thought. The emphasis on hardness, death and decay in the imagery suggests that she's in Limbo and he can talk to her or see her somehow, via psychic link or maybe she's a figment of his imagination.

    Leading from here to the third and more likely explanations that tie in with social commentary. That as I have previously discussed, the male character represents the typical incarcerated individual - the growing gauntness and tougher exterior could be symbolic of the typical reverse effect that prisons and mental asylums have - problems are often made worse, not better. The female character represents those left behind - isolated, unknowing in what to do or say, lost individuals really. Whilst the story has a lighter ending, it still has a deep fracturing effect to all involved. It also makes you question the effectiveness of prison sentences as although he was rehabilitated, he was colder and emotionally lesser than he was.

    I also want to quickly say I love your structure. The story had roundness to it, like the repetition gave it a more satisfying conclusion. The layout was good and the banner was really wonderful.

    A couple of things I noticed that think you need to look at:

    “Why the fuck would I be happy??”

    The use of double punctuation here lessens the story, I think. I'd use italics to show emphasis.

    She closed her eyes as she made herself comfotable

    Minor spelling error.

    Aside from that, there are no real big changes I would suggest.

    A wonderful, unique story.
    Please read The Angel and the Pussycat, please.
    July 18th, 2010 at 11:37pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    ^ Claiming Intent. Read and commented.

    If you could read Blueshirt Blues, please.
    This review wasn't substantial enough. You need to go back and add to it. Point out things that are more specific, use examples, give your thoughts on specific parts of the stories. This is too vague.

    If you need examples of a proper review, you can check out these posts:

    [1] [2] [3] [4]
    The next person can get The Doctor's story, the post above mine.
    July 18th, 2010 at 11:40pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    Review for Audrey T.

    I thought your summary was well written, and didn’t think it gave away a lot of the story. I’m starting to become a fan of summaries that are more like this because it gives your readers just enough to click onto the chapter one button. I personally thought it set the mood rather nicely for me to read on. I’ve seen The Vampire Diaries at least once, but enough to get the concept of what’s going on. I kind of thought this TV series was something like Twilight, but with more blood and sex.

    That day, that first day, I knew he was different, inhuman. Something about his pulsating being; the way the sunlight played against his skin, the way the rays seemed almost afraid to touch upon him. He was fascinating and I was entranced.

    I thought you captured the whole “when I first saw you, my world changed. You are the most beautiful thing to walk into my life and nothing else matters” attitude. For some strange reason, I love Damon, through his actions and voice, he’s very sexy and I can tell that there’s a lot of sexual tension between them, it’s not even funny. Your descriptions are dream worthy, I’m not even going to quote anything from that paragraph because everything was so right about it.

    I like how you went through and described Tina’s childhood, and I liked that she seemed vulnerable to the fact that she was even a witch, like she didn’t want to remember. The little incidents foreshadowing her fate.

    I was thirteen and Damon Salvatore had tried to kill me.

    I loved how Damon kept popping up every three years to give Tina some kind of hint that somehow they were more connected to each other than she thought. I really like where this is going, and I can sense something good going to happen. My favorites parts would have to be Tina’s narration and how she seemed so confused about who she really was. I don’t know, but besides the fact that Tina is a witch, she’s different and seems likable and smart. There’s one thing about your grammar that threw me off, I noticed that in two places you placed a comma after the word “and” when I felt there was no need for it.

    I thought you had powerful diction in this story and it really showed. I think this is the most descriptive piece I’ve read from you.

    ----

    Review for The Doctor

    Your summary is very interesting and from the title, a Nursery Rhyme came to mind. But when I actually saw the picture and background image, a Native American aspect came to play, I thought about those little stories our teachers used to read to us about how the moon and stars were created or why clouds feel lonely, little stories like that. The foreign writing was lovely too, even though I had no idea what the origins of it was from.

    They say I'm delusional. They've never been stared at by a car. I had t tell them about what happened in the library.

    In this line, you forgot the o in the word to. But so far, I have no idea what’s going on with the main character in the story. The setting is difficult to comprehend, but you capture the fact that this character is different from the rest and how isolated she feels around her friends.

    There are whispers on the pages of my book. Whispers from Time itself. It's written in a soft, gray ink. It's not pencil: I checked and you couldn't erase the words.

    I loved this sentence because a lot of Native tribes tell stories that are mainly said orally. And I liked how this story is written in ink, but is always changing, like something’s in life are doing, it just shows that nothing is written in stone and things are always changing.

    So I trust Time over Sophronius. The words themselves scare me: why are they directed to me? The book is not read by many other people; the fourteen lines are either too complicated or too twee for this place./

    I really like your main character. I love the narration, but sometimes you have awkward wording that makes it hard for me to understand what’s going on.

    "Don't you understand them>?" I could tell she was trying to pull that trick that psychologists pull when they want to know something, even when they know you don't actually know.”

    I noticed you have an error is the quotation, but so far, I realized that now the main character is named Alice, and Alice, to me seems like a daydreamer and is sometimes confused with reality and fantasy. I think the biggest thing that bothered me was the writing style, I know I said I like the narration of Alice, but while reading, the style is sometimes isn’t working. It doesn’t flow smoothly I think it’s just me, but I don’t like stories written in second person with present tense.

    But, I must say, I adore who you incorporated classic literature in this, like Dante’s work. "The world is a lie. This is the afterlife, Limbo, Purgatory, Hell, Heaven, Valhalla..."

    Kissing oblivion, feeling its cold edges pressed against my body, that overwhelming darkness leering when I sleep or lie, like right now. And I’m in two minds.

    That is my favorite line in the entire story. Overall, I thought this story was such a difficult read, and hard to understand. I felt there was a lot to take in at one time and wasn’t clearly stated right. Your character Alice was my favorite and I loved how she thought about dreamed, but this story is not something I would read for fun, it wasn’t my cup of tea and it wasn’t exactly what I expected from the summary.

    ----

    Well, Audrey, shouldn't you get a fair review as well? Why aren't people skipping those stories, it's not fair to the person who is actually giving a decent review.

    Please read and review the last chapter of Neverland or the last chapter of Sometime In April. Again the last chapter, I would like to be reviewed for both.
    July 19th, 2010 at 02:36am
  • Deceit

    Deceit (100)

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    Story/Review - Neverland

    First off, I'd like to say thank you for giving me a suitable layout to read this story with. I'm normally very finicky about the choice in layouts, and this one allowed me to read without being distracted by the nagging voice that wanted me to exit out. (If that makes sense.)

    Alright, after reading up to the latest chapter, I admit to have gotten confused a few times (though it's mainly because I'm not as familiar with Peter Pan as I should be). You jump around a bit, too, which caused some confusion on my part. Though, I was thankful when you began chapter 7 off by stating when and where we were in the story.

    This was the first day in two months, I could recall, where I laughed so hard, my stomach felt like it was about to burst open as if all the innocence’s I had left poured out. These lines stood out to me within the paragraph. It made me smile, actually. It meant that throughout the horrors Peter has had to deal with, the smallest of things, such as pretending to be an airplane, can bring happiness back into ones life. That, I admit, you captured quite well. Though the 'innocence's' bit halted me a bit. It cut off the flow on my part.

    I noticed my brother coping my movements Coping should be copying, I believe.

    Peter is a complicated character, as I've noticed. You capture his emotions great, fitting in the denial, depression, teenage, rebellious and angry emotions he should be going through at this time. Which is why I liked how he reacted during the transition of coming home to his bedroom.

    Through it all, my mother taught me a great lesson about my brother, she said, ‘never give up before you try, understand the lows before the highs, and be patient.’ The only thing I could do at the time was smile, but now all I wanted to do was clip my wings and fly away, I knew I wasn't prepared, but I always caught myself suspended in the air — waiting to meet my mother in the clouds. I liked this bit of the paragraph, as well. Peter is obviously going through though times and he shows it whether Michael notices or not. No one could be ready to face adulthood in such a manner. Not even those that dreamed that they were ready. Peter is no different. I just really enjoyed reading that bit because it took me hand-in-hand and led me through his childhood dreams and teenage fears - though those dreams appear to still remain.

    The very last paragraph had me on edge, though in a good way. You've ended with a subtle cliffhanger, but it was one of those that were pulled off in a beautiful manner. Not one that leaves the reader kicking their computer screen.

    Overall:
    This story is off to a nice start. Like I stated, there were times, due to time skips, where I would get profusely lost and would have to re-read a few paragraphs to try and understand the current situation. Though, I dismissed that con and replaced it with the language you used. It was simple, yes, but delicate and beautiful. Some of your phrases just popped. Especially with that last paragraph. I could easily relate with the bit about nature and could picture his walk and feelings as I read.
    Inevitable Fate, please?
    July 19th, 2010 at 06:14pm
  • The Master

    The Master (15)

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    The hardest part I think about reviewing this story is that it is just starting, just blossoming. Like it's still a bud on a tree. From the summary, I noted that this is going to be a fanfiction of some description [All Time Low] so I am guessing that there is still so much to be seen and explored with the characters. So far, it is rather well written, with a couple of things my pedantic self is finding fault with (don't worry, it's just a couple of very minor things. Not your writing style.). It is promising although I am left wondering how this will pan out. Hence the problem of reviewing something essentially unstarted.

    I want to concentrate on your style, your characterisation and your imagery as I believe these are your strong points and I'll do some quick comments about things that I think you need to think about as well as layout and the usual things like that.

    Your style reads very fluently. Scarily fluently almost. It has a natural ebb and flow that is sort of reminiscent of Regency and Victorian writing: it is a very strong base and your tone is perfect for the story: a sort of maudlin teenager who seems to have grown up too quickly.

    Take this quote for example:

    Her fear wouldn't be something she would show to anyone, not through words or appearance. So, despite her efforts to clear up any last remaining traces of their existence, she couldn't help but tremble at the thoughts that brewed in her mind. At those times, her father would find a spare minute to appear and would give her that same knowing look as he had before.

    It feels like a modern Jane Austen or even a modern George Eliot, depending on taste. It's old-fashioned in rhythm but the vocabulary isn't. Your use of such lines as []So, despite her efforts, it just harks back to Sense and Sensibility to me. Of course, it's going to be different but your style reminds me of that very much so and for someone who is essentially a young person and to have that old voice, that very Classical way of writing, it's astonishing really. It's more astonishing when you consider that it is going to be a fanfiction and could be accused - for we do not know yet, and I'm not accusing you of this, please don't take this the wrong way - which it could be close to the cliché girl-meets-band story. But from this style alone, never minding the rest of the story and its contents, that does not fill me with worry in the slightest.

    Characterisation wise, you have these two strong forces in the form of the daughter Kelsey and the father. Although you can see them being quite different, there is also the ever-present (at least in realistic parent/child relationships) the similarities. They both seem to have a thirst for adventure and seem quite distant emotionally. One can imagine that whilst the father figure is not indicated well enough, he is trying to have a good relationship but he doesn't know how to do it as well as going through the traumatic process of moving on which will always be difficult. Whilst these are well written and I look forward to seeing how this will develop over time, I can't help but wonder practically who looks after her when he's away. Social services would have looked into it so a cutaway mention of baby sitters or after-school clubs and other such things or even grandparents to show that she is looked after (and frankly, the more detached the care, the better for explaining her personality) but it was a thing that made me think.

    Your imagery again harks back to an older time. You have a great usage of liminal zones that reminds me so of Charlotte Bronte (she was a stickler for using them). The use of windows, doors and even car windows: those indicators of separation from one environment from another seems to indicate the separation that Kelsey feels from her dad and perhaps her peers for the lack of a constant maternal figure in her life. Another interpretation is that she's secretly longing for change but is not pleased - or wishes to show she isn't pleased - at having to do it under her Father's wishes and would rather branch out on her own. You also use a lot of semantic fields: particularly water. Water is again, a symbol of change as it changes everything. It's also elemental so that concentration on it could be an indication of something elemental missing from her life that she's trying to fill. A couple of times, when you're describing the weather, it seems to correlate to Kelsey's own emotional state (rain - melancholy, fog - confusion). This reminds me of the poet Robert Browning's poem Porphyria's Lover in which the protagonist’s vexed emotion is reflected in the weather outside.

    One thing I think you need to think about really is sometimes it feels like it's an American talking about an English character in an American accent. I'm not sure why that is the case. I think because you actually use the word England to describe her hometown and calling Essex a village...it feels a bit...strange to me. Maybe I'm being too critical. Also, it doesn't help when you use American spelling for an English character. But I'm being overly pedantic I think. XD

    I like the layout, it's gorgeous and simple and the banner is lovely.

    Overall, it's a very very promising start and despite me knowing nothing about All Time Low, I think I will subscribe to it because...you write like you don't belong in the modern world and I think that's a joy to behold.
    Please read/review The Angel and the Pussycat
    July 19th, 2010 at 10:50pm
  • wicked ways

    wicked ways (100)

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    No story up there to review?
    July 20th, 2010 at 12:46am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    ^ most users review before putting a story to review. /spam.
    July 20th, 2010 at 12:49am
  • wicked ways

    wicked ways (100)

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    Oh, I didn't know D:

    Claimed.
    juno.:
    I loved the summary a lot. I also like the way you have some of it in a different language. The picture is quite good too, I'm assuming it's not yours though. The title is nice, it's a change from most peoples titles.

    And I'm blue, God when I think about it, it makes me melancholic. I think there should be a full stop after the word blue. I think it makes more sense.

    I lie awake in the heat of the night, surrounded by a cocoon of soothing music and the fog created by the medical onslaught required to cure this melancholic from bad things and bad thoughts. This sentence is a bit long. You could shorten it by putting a full stop after the word music and starting a new sentence with 'the' rather then 'and' becuase that's bad grammar and only ever to be used in emergencies, or so I was told by my English teacher.

    I taste it but the saline taste is absent. Like it's water or phlegm or some other bodily fluid snailing down my face. It would make more sense if there was a comma after absent or you could say, "Like, it's either water or phlegm or some other bodily fluid snailing down my face."

    However. I don't get how this is a paragraph on it's own. It should either be tied in with the previous or following sentence.


    It's not pencil: I checked and you couldn't erase the words. Instead of the dot thing (I can't remember the name) it should be a semi colon.

    We are dead men.

    We are all dead.

    We're dead.

    We're all dead men.

    No one is alive. I quite like this bit. It's intriguing.

    It reminds them of old school desks and rulers slammed against wrists and ink and condensation and Spam fritters and hobnail boots and a million other moderate-to-miserable remembrances Instead of all the ands, put commas to tie it all together.


    To others it doesn't but who cares about them, anyway? There is no need for a comma there.

    buzzing honey in my ears, sticky words like honey bees crawling in my ears,Honey mentioned twice in one sentence doesn't really work. You should have said, "buzzing honey in my ears, sticky words like bees crawling in my ears," You would already know the sticky bit is because of the honey so no need to say honey bees.

    Chug chug chug along, mowing down the suicidal pleas of the outside world. Should be commas after each chug, except the last one.

    I'm no psychologist. I don't know if this is bad grammar but I think it sounds bad. I am no, sounds weird. Maybe say, "I'm not a psychologist."

    In the following paragraph you said the word man too much, try to change it around a little.

    And that's when they disappeared. I could still hear them bicker bicker bicker in my ears, buzzing in the honey. But everyone was looking at me. It was my scream that made them fade away. It should have commas after each bicker except the last.

    Overall, I loved this story so much. It was so thrilling and different. It was amazing. So mysterious. I loved it. Keep up the good writing. :-)
    Please review Anna-rexia Nervosa
    July 20th, 2010 at 01:12am
  • liam payne.

    liam payne. (250)

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    Title:
    I rather like the title. It's neat how her name is incorporated in the word anorexia, it is interesting and I feel it will draw readers in.

    Summary:
    Ergh. I'm really not a fan of the summary though. I feel it gives no information on the story whatsoever. I feel that if people click on your story, knowing it's about anorexia, then they will definitely know the definition. It wouldn't be so bad if there was actually a small summary of the story after it, but there isn't, so I don't like it. :/

    Layout:
    I like the plain look of the layout. It's nice and simple. I feel that banner is not too god, seeing as the title is chopped off at the top and the girl is a rather disturbing. Other than that, it's nice and legible.

    Chapter One:

    To be honest, the first paragraph was just too much.There definitely needs to be a lot more spacing going on throughout it. I feel that just a huge block of text is a turnoff. And there wasn't really anything in that paragraph that helped to pull the reader in. It was just a huge wad of narration with no emotion.

    She walked into the kitchen, continuously tugging at her clothes trying to make them hang off her body more.
    I feel that this is the only line that worked in that entire first paragraph. It was realistic and relatable and many girls feel that way. This line made a good connection to the readers who are uncomfortable with their own selves.

    “Mom, I’m not hungry.” Anna said, still glaring at the pancakes.
    I think it's rather silly that she's glaring at the pancakes. As I said before, it lacks emotion. Food is her enemy, that I get. But there is no emotion behind her actions and thoughts. It's just spoken and not necessarily felt. And it seems really immature of her to glare at pancakes.

    She took off her clothes, grabbed a razor from the bathroom and cut herself, cut along the fat on her stomach, the fat on her thighs, her fat hit hips until her body was bleeding all over, bright scarlet blood trickling all over her body, down her legs, across her feet, staining her toenails a deep red colour and eventually reached the floor.
    Waiiiit... what? I feel that this is really, really unnecessary. Yes, she hates herself, but this is flat out of nowhere. It completely lacks emotion and just sounds really, really... I don't even know. One, we have no clue as to why she is doing this. Sure, she doesn't like the fat, but what does she get out of cutting herself?

    She touched one, it stung and it felt good.
    ...Um, she was just hacking away at her body. How does that feel good? This is just a tad bit over the top. I mean, no matter how much you hate yourself, cutting and stabbing yourself with a razor hurts. It doesn't -in no way shape or form- feel good. Seeing as she was cutting herself so deeply that blood poured to the floor, she would be in a lot of pain. Trust me, I know all of this from experience with my sister. Cutting is more of a release, not just straight up, "this feels good." I think you really, really need to research this more before you toss it into your story so carelessly.

    She heard her mom yell for her and immediately put down the razor and put back on her clothes, wincing at the pain when her clothes rubbed off her cuts.
    Whaa? This girl was just mutilating her body so much that blood was in puddles under her on the floor. How can she 1)put on clothing so easily without blood staining through it, seeing as she is gushing blood and 2)only wince at the pain? Blood is coating this girl's body! She can't just put on clothes and go frolic to her mom. Once again, research is really, really recommended here. There is no way any person could do this.

    Kate broke down in tears. She fell to her knees and rocked back and forward.
    I feel that this is unrealistic as well. This must be one sensitive person. I mean, isn't it a tad bit odd that a mom would have to rock herself back and forth and bawl her eyes out because she had a small spat with her kid? There wasn't even a lot of yelling either. This is just a bit too dramatic and out there.

    Anna used to be a very good eater; she'd eat properly, three meals a day.
    I think since it's only been a week that Anna's eaten improperly, that this is just too much. Her mom probably wouldn't even take notice of this. It would take at least a month for a parent to truly catch on to bad eating habits. Just one week is way too soon and just silly. Her daughter may have a stomach virus for all she knows.

    She was a single mother...
    If I do recall correctly Anna had a walk-in wardrobe. Living in a family with a single-parent, I'm really curious to know how a single mother could afford a place so large (two stories, walk in closets) for just her and her one daughter. Once again, I find it unrealistic.

    Anna ran up the stairs, skipping every second step.
    Wouldn't that be too horrifically painful to do? She just mauled her body with a razor, after all.

    Soon her stomach was just ripped up bits of flesh.
    Extreme health alert! Anna seriously would've passed out by now for losing way too much blood. There is no way a young girl could go through all this cutting and feel good about it. Not to mention, there would be so much blood that there would be no way she could hide it or stop it. This is literally impossible.

    She shoved her fingers back her throat and brought up the acid in her stomach.
    Taking note of this, and the laxatives she used in the introduction, it is fair to say that Anna is bulimic, not anorexic. Anorexics starve themselves. Bulimics purge and abuse laxatives. This is why I feel research is a huge, huge thing you need to do. Because one, this story lacks the emotion of eating disorders, and two, you didn't realize that what you gave your character is bulimia, not anorexia.

    “Yes... she is very pale lately, I worry about her. She doesn’t eat much anymore either.”
    Once again, it's only been a week as specified in earlier conversation with Kate. She wouldn't become pale that quickly.

    "You’re very skinny, Anna.”
    Once again, it's only been a week as specified in earlier conversation with Kate. She wouldn't drop weight that quickly.

    Anna said as she lifted up her top and squeezing her fat.
    She can't squeeze her fat if her stomach is torn bits of flesh, as specified earlier.

    “Leave her.”
    What is up with Kate? Seeing your daughter with a mauled stomach that would be gushing blood like no other should make her jump up and drag her to the hospital (or maybe even rock herself back and forth whilst bawling her eyes out). This is where Kate should question where she went wrong. It honestly makes no sense as to why the mother would get so worked up over a little spat and not over her daughter who should have lost so much blood she would be passed out by now. This just... no. It really makes no sense.

    Overall:

    My biggest tip for you is: RESEARCH! I'm sorry if I sound completely harsh with this review, but knowing firsthand about cutting and eating disorders, I find it really offending that you wouldn't take the time to research this topic thoroughly and instead just lay out what you think is right. Also, maybe look into people's stories, so you can grasp the emotion that this story lacks. Research, research, research. I absolutely cannot stress that enough.

    Also, do what Bella Rathbone. suggested and go through the writing guidelines because there are many grammar errors throughout the first chapter.

    I feel that it would be best for you to put this story on hiatus and go through and rewrite the chapters after you've done some significant research. Eating disorders and cutting are very, very, very hard subjects to write about when you lack serious information on the subjects. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of work to research every little detail for a story, but I feel you have the passion to do it and that you should do it.
    If you could, do Seasons, please. Cute
    July 20th, 2010 at 07:57am