Story Review Thread

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glitterati.:

Story Review Game

First of all, your layout is amazing. It's so pretty and simple, and the gradient at the top of all the chapters is lovely.

I love your summary very very much, because it actually tells me what's going on and I don't have to, you know, speculate. Well done.

Her green eyes were swimming with tears that were threatening to fall. That's a lovely description. I haven't seen it around anywhere else. It's nice.

Beer spilled from the brown bottle in his hand onto the linoleum floor. I don't know why, but I have a strange penchant for the word 'linoleum'. I just think it's a nice word and you get bonus points from me for using it. :D

The entire chapter is really simple and yet so well written. It's really gripping and I love the idea. It's something that a lot of people write about but not many people can pull off, so congrats.

She brought her dark green eyes up to the rear view mirror… I don't know why, but this phrase jumped out at me. It's really… simple. But strong, at the same time, I don't know. I like her use of the word 'baby', too, that's sweet.

“If you weren’t out whoring around all the time, you wouldn’t even have the little bastard. That’s where the inability to close your legs will get you in trouble, you little slut.” This is a really intimate part of the story and I like how you've explained more into Daniel's character without sitting down and typing it all out in words – it matches the rest of the story.

I'm sorry this is really short, but there was very little description (and no grammar/spelling mistakes, hooray!) for me to really comment on. I love the idea overall, and you can count another subscriber. :D

X, please. .

^Claim

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Story Review Game
Title: Nothing about the title really stands out or makes it special to draw attention.I'm not saying you should change it or anything, I guess because I've only read the first chapter and more is to come so the significance isn't clear yet.

Summary: I love the summary, it creates so many questions in my head as a reader and drives me to read your story. I do not, however, like the repetition of the summary in the actual story, I don't think that's necessary.

Layout: The layout is very clean and simple, and almost has a monochromatic modern vibe, which suits the futuristic plot of the story.

Prolouge:Your introduction is very powerful, and I like how you create the paradox that twenty years ago is both a very long time in terms of how much has changed, but also a very short time in terms of how quickly the changes occurred.

I notice in your writing that you use a lot of linking verbs. For example,
"The sad thing about this world – this real world – is that most people don't care. We don't care that every move we make is being recorded, we don't care that every word we say is being written down, we don't care that the Government is controlling every aspect of our sad little lives, "

By using a linking verb like "is", you take away all the action from your sentence. I think your story will read more lively if you try to eliminate as many of the thinking verbs as possible.

The paragraph where your narrator talks about himself- "'I'm not someone special. I want change, yes..." makes your character sound exactly like Winston from 1984. I'm not accusing you of plagiarizing or anything like that, but because so many people read that novel, I really think you need to find something unique about your character that sets him apart from all the other dystopia novel protagonists. You have to do something new and fresh with him in coming chapter to keep the interest of your readers. You can actually use the similarities to 1984 to your advantage in some ways by making use of allusions.

I think the same thing applies to the concept of the rebellious underground. 1984 is about the exact same thing. The details and twists you put on this plot will really make or break your story. This is going to be very challenging to continue, although I'm sure you will do just fine.

"Now, it is almost impossible to leave your own home without it being recorded on some kind of Government log, and if you speak even one word against their rule they come for you and take you away."
I like the relevance to the modern world that you tie in. This immediately makes me think of security cameras and hidden cameras. Some cities literally have every corner mapped out and we don't even care. I think is something you can really do to set your story apart-modernize it. Orwell wrote 1984 quite some time ago and he could not anticipate all the technology of today, you have the advantage of already knowing what the world is like, and you can reference it frequently and show how it has changed.

The Drug Diaries, and I would prefer chapter two if you only want to read one. I know it's rather long, so don't feel like I expect you to go through it with a fine tooth comb. =]

I'm claiming Kurtni as soon as she's reviewed.

bella:

Story review game.

Title: A title that is exactly what you get. It may not be something fancy, or have tons of deep meanings, but it is a drug diary, and it does just feel right.

Summary: The phrase I want someone years from now to find this and know what 'reckless living' truly is. kind of blew me away. At first, the summary doesn't hold anything spectacular. It's a good enough summary, but it's nothing extra. Then that line comes along and I instantly went "ooh, I get it!"

Layout: I like the colors used in the layout, as well as the "box" fading out into the background. The banner is a bit too big for my taste, but that's just me. Personally I feel it gets a bit too much with the person smoking, only because it doesn't feel like it's got the same mood as the rest of the banner. It feels a bit out of place. But overall a nice banner.

Chapter 2:
I opened my third eye to the world.
- A really good phrase to have in the beginning of the chapter. It sort of stops me in my reading, making me hold and think for a second.

Through the shadows of the fire’s flickering flames, I saw a thin boy with straw colored hair slip a ziplock bag full of white and grey chunks out of his flannel pocket.
- I like that you describe it as "gray chunks", because it helps with the image that doing shrooms is in no way "glamorous" and it doesn't look good.

I do feel the paragraph describing the preparations for her to take the shrooms a bit... too detailed? It's good, no doubt about it. But it sort of gives me the feelig that would you really describe it that detailed in an actual diary? Well, rethinking the purpose of the dary maybe she would, but I don't know...

Bitter and earthy, I assumed a pile of dirt tasted exactly the same.
- I might be completely wrong, but I think it's supposed to be a semicolon and not a comma?

Amazed, I starred at the flames, which became the most vibrant shades of red and orange.
- Do you mean "stared"?

Little over an hour passed, yet I felt as though my mind traveled somewhere far into the future, light-years away.
- Another strong sentence, which sort of throws me out of the pace of the story, but in a good way.

Why limit the exploration of the woods to a fine path? I saw it as a line to be crossed.
- This to me ties in with the whole intensity of that one line in the summary. It's blunt, in a way. Like she could be explaining anything, no matter how horrible, and then yet by adding "I saw it as a line to be crossed", she's excusing it. If you know what I mean. Like she could simply say "I got high and killed someone. I saw it as a line to be crossed." Raw, you know.

Just came across "starring" again, is that another way of sleeping it? Because I thought it was staring. Am I entirely wrong? xD

Overall this chapter was very powerful, and I mostly liked it. I still get this... feeling of, "would you really remember it that detailed if you were that high?" but maybe that's just me. I've never been high, so I can't really think back on experience. I've only ever been drunk, but I know I could never retell anything like this so very experienced. But this may just be my lack of knowledge with drugs to be honest. I like also how you explain the effects of mushrooms in the author's note, something that might be needed in case someone like me reads it who has no idea about drugs. Other than what I've seen in movies, that is.
I like your variation between longer and shorter sentences, it gives he piece a really nice flow. This may not be my type of story, but you've done an excellent work, and I just might check back and read more someday. :)

Please review Colors.

Claimed!

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I really like the banner, but I'm not sure how well I think it goes with the background pattern, the colors seem just a little too different to me, it doesn't flow very well in my eyes. However, the colors used on the links work very well with the banner. ^^

In the summary:
'and fancy appartment. - apartment.

I like the summary, though I don't think it's very eye-catching. It doesn't give very much of an idea of what's going to happen in the story, but I suppose that might be your point.

'nothing was new, or out of the ordinary.' - I don't think that there should be a break between 'new' and 'or'.

'Her coffee tasted the same, and her clothes were the same.' - Again, I don't think that there should be a break between 'same' and 'and'. It's not a new thought or a list.

'She buttoned the west slowly, - I'm guessing 'west' should be 'vest'. Later on in the same paragraph you use 'west' again.

It was really surprising to find her killing herself in the middle of the story. Though it was pretty obvious that she wasn't exactly happy with her life, I hadn't expected it to be a suicide story. :o

I thought it was kind of funny the way she stumbled over herself trying to explain the whole 'colors' thing to the doctor. I really like the way that she does explain it, though.

The end gave me chills, it was sweet and happy, perfect for this story.

You covered a wide range of emotions throughout it, and I definitely enjoyed reading it.

Please review Quell That Rebel Yell
Again, I know it's kind of controversial, but don't worry about offending me with your review :)

claimed.

review.:

Story title

I'm not quite sure how it relates to the story yet, but it's definitely interesting enough.

Summary

Ah, that's how the title ties in! The second sentence of the summary confuses me a tad, though; perhaps tossing in an Also at the beginning of the sentence?

Layout

I quite like how the image seems to have a shadow, and that it has a simple border. It's interesting and not something you see often. The simple fonts work nicely and I like that the layout is offset from the center.

Chapter One

Kudos on using the correct different timezones! I love that you pinned the weather in Florida so well; little storms every day are so regular here, it's not even funny.

The afternoon rain is a staple in the small community. A proven stability that gives its residents a sense of security, despite the state of the outside world.
Wouldn't those lines work a bit better combined, with the period being a comma instead? The way it is now, the second line seems very weak compared to the first and it makes that bit of the story a bit weird.

(Also, a fun little tidbit- there's a Topeka Avenue in Orlando, which amused me a bit to read)
I love how urgent everything seems, and yet time seems almost to slow down when you read the next paragraph at first. They're both quite stressed and freaked out, and it comes across well through the following paragraphs.

That man is dead, a ghost of his past, long since quieted and shoved into the deepest corners of his mind, safely tucked away where it can no longer speak out and cause trouble.
This seems like just too long, too rambly of a sentence. It's powerful, but not at it's full potential.

The children's response is exactly how I'd imagine any kid would be like when they're being told something like that, and how Nora seems so perfect at lying about what's happening.

I'm quite intrigued as to why the public isn't being told about the evacuation, though I suppose that'll be explained later in the story.

I love how smoothly the story transitions into the next location. I'm wondering what importance Texas will have here, if they too are to be hit by the storm.

In his heart, there is no longer love or compassion for his fellow men, no sympathy for those whose lives he is about to help turn upside down. He marches to make the world shake beneath his boots, something that he knows will reek havoc, and maybe, one day, start a war.

Shouldn't the reek there be wreak?

When he stomps, feeling the ground shake beneath him, he feels real again. If only for a fleeting moment, while the vibrations still shake through the muscles in his legs.

The second sentence is fantastic, but it's got something of the same issue as the sentence about the afternoon rain; because of the first, it seems weaker. I think rephrasing it, combining it into a sentence where the he feels real again is the last bit would make it a load better, or leaving it two separate sentences and still putting the he feels real again at the end would make it better.

Once again, it transfers smoothly into the next scene. I love the mention of 420, and how much background there is on the two characters. It's nice to see that, even though she suddenly got a hell of a lot of attention, Heather still sticks with her true friend, and Grayson truly seems to appreciate her.

I also love the two different definitions of I love you; it definitely means different things to different people, and I go more with Grayson's.

No matter how much he wants to be what she needs, he knows that she deserves better. She deserves someone that can make her big dreams-as bright and wide as her eyes-come true.

This has to be one of my favorite lines from the story so far. It shows how much he feels towards her, and it's wonderful and a great way to end a chapter.

Chapter Two

It's completely realistic that the pair meet up so late at night; if I were to receive news like that, I certainly would do that with one of my friends. The description you give about the setting is great; not too much, but not too little.

Putting myself in Vera's shoes is easy- she seems to be such a levelheaded girl from what we're read, and what she thinks is what I would think in her situation. Plus, I love how much she's developed in this chapter.

Her friends don't like her dad, none of them ever have, they don't trust many politicians at all.

I really don't like this sentence. It's got too much going on to be in one sentence; perhaps having the first be a simple sentence, and then rephrasing the two afterwards?

The ending is sad, but it shows that though he's a politician, he really does just want the people he loves and cares about to be safe, like any father would want.

Overall

Overall, I really like this. You've got a fantastic way of describing things and keeping it real and interesting. Ignoring the few oddly phrased sentences, it's very well written and captures the audience's attention easily.

Any or all of Florida Girl please

Claimed it, yo. (: Done! :D

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Story Review Game

Note: I don't really know a whole lot about Tokio Hotel. I only know one of their songs and I only know of the twins. Sorry for my lack of knowledge. XD

Title:

It reminds me of the song California Girls. I don't know, maybe that's where you got the idea? :/

Layout:

I like the layout. First, because it's legible! Second, I like the photo. The layout is very simple, but it's good that way. Sometimes a layout is too overdone, but this is just right.

Summary:

The summary is very informative. It tells the reader the main jist of the story, but doesn't give away too much detail.

Chapter One:

I like the way you described the girl in the first paragraph. Usually, whenever I read descriptions about people they're jam packed with adjectives and it doesn't flow very well. But you did a good job with this.

Georg is cute. He acts like a shy, school boy. It's adorable. (:

Her names rolled off her tongue easily, accented on certain points by her slight Southern accent.
Unless you meant to do this, there shouldn't be an s in names.

“George.” Georg decided to use the name all the interviewers had once called him.
I'm confused. Is his name spelt with an e or without it?

He was sold for whatever plans she wanted to do the moment he heard that little kick her accent made.
I enjoy reading about the accents. It's nice to read little details about accents because I hardly see it in stories.

She loved the bitter taste, the way it tingled on her tongue and burned her nose slightly.
I'm a coffee addict, so I love that you involved coffee in your story! Plus, you described exactly what I love about it! :D

Georg ate slowly, slathering the chive cream cheese onto the bready breakfast item every so often, while Yulia wolfed her food down like she’d never see food again.
I like how it's the guy who has manners and it's the girl who eats like a pig. Bahahah! XD

I like that you described her outfit after you got farther into the story. Most stories I've read, the author is at the beginning of the story where they introduce the character and then they jump right into describing the character's clothes. Sometimes it works, but I really like what you did. (:

Overall:

This is amazing! It's so cute and easy to read. What I mean is, it flows well. It doesn't sound forced or unnatural. It sounds like something realistic. I really enjoyed reading this. By reading the first chapter people will definitely want to continue reading the story. I know practically nothing about Tokio Hotel, but I don't care because this story is so good! The details are great! You didn't rush anything, you wrote about little things that make the reader feel more comfortable with the characters. Like they can relate to them. I'm sorry my review isn't very long, but I couldn't really focus on reviewing the story because I was too focused on reading the story instead. That's a good thing though.

You're an amazing writer. This story is obviously well written and well thought over. Lovely story. (:

Please review Seewhatweseas. It's a contest entry featuring Christofer D.

Claimed.
Done.

broadway.:

Story Review Game:

Okay, so first off, I don’t really see the need of putting the title together. I mean, I’m sitting here trying to think of how it could be significant and I’ve got nothing. In actuality, the more I stare at it, the more it annoys me.

I would’ve liked there to be a summary as well. I’d like to get a small hint of what I’m going to read. You’re layout is gorgeous though.

Blue frosted sugar cookies were the start of the journey.
- Okay, so as I skimmed down through it, I really didn’t like how you didn’t relate back to this. I have no idea how cookies tie into this story at all. To me, it sort of seems like they came from no where.

He surfaced on the shallow end, the waves licked at his form, beckoning him out to sea.
- Going on, I’m assuming he got into the bath, and then dreamed that he emerged from the ocean? But as I read on I starting to second guess that idea. I’m really confused.

Wanderers, stuck on the other side. Hopelessly waiting for their rescue.
- This got me thinking that he was in some sort of limbo? But again, I’m not sure. There are so many ideas running through my head as to what’s going on - each one more unlikely then the first. I’m hoping things clear up for me soon.

I don't think the story makes much sense if you haven't watched the video.
- I hope that that’s my problem. That I didn’t watch the video and so it doesn’t make sense to me. I quite literally had no idea what was going on in this, and I don’t even know what to guess it could be.

I really liked your writing style - don’t get me wrong. The way that you wrote this was amazing. It was beautiful and poetic - you definitely have an amazing handle on words, you know how to use them to your advantage. I’m just not a huge fan of the story you told, and that’s probably mostly because I didn’t understand what was going on and so I didn’t really enjoy what I was reading. If I had realized that watching a video would have helped with my understanding, I would have watched it first, but personally, I don’t like having to know about something before I read a fic on it, ya know? I mean, I love it when I can sit down and read a MCR fic without knowing anything about the band but I can still understand it. Or if I can not read a book, yet still understand and follow what’s happening in a fic based on it.

Anyway, like I said, your writing style is an epic win. The story was just not one for me.

Any or all chapters of If You Knew Their Longing, please.
Any predictions at all that you can make, I'd love to hear them.

broadway.:

Claimed.
Done.

Uhm, let's see, you can pick through anything that catches your interest. But if you'd rather not do that, you can pick between these two:
Wild At Heart
His Favourite Part
I'm personally thinking about discontinuing both of them, but we'll see.

Could you possibly post this as a comment on my story so that I can access it easily?

And just so that I am not spamming, I shall claim the post above.

Haylien226:

Title: I found this quite intriguing as I wanted to know about the “longing”

Summary: The summary didn’t interest me as much as I had hoped that it would, but I did want to know what was going to happen to the little boy.

Layout: I like the soft colour of the layout as they are not too harsh to look at. It also allows the story to be read quite easily.

Chapter 1: This chapter is very short, but I found that it provided an interesting introduction to your story.
I like your description in lines such as Her green eyes were swimming with tears that were threatening to fall. and His bloodshot eyes fluttered as he struggled to keep them open. Beer spilled from the brown bottle in his hand onto the linoleum floor.
I like the fact that you have changed the page divider to two doves to fit in with your layout.

Chapter 2: I didn’t find this chapter particularly interesting, but I think that it was a good way of introducing the child.
I like that you mention her eyes again. I am curious to find out if there is some sort of significance behind the mentions of her green eyes.

Chapter 3: I like the fact that we find out a little more about the characters in this chapter. I had imagined that Daniel was Nicholas’ step-father until you mentioned that he is Lily’s boyfriend.
Once again, you have good description in this chapter. You seem to use just enough description to form an image of what is happening, without using too much detail.
I don’t think that you should flesh out what you have already written, as you have obviously written it like this for a reason.

Chapter 4: I find the insight into Lily’s thoughts about Daniel quite interesting.
He’s bat his dark eyelashes and she’s be back in his arms again - until the next night. – He’d rather than He’s and she’d rather than she’s. These are the only typo’s I’ve noticed so far, so well done for that.

Chapter 5: This chapter is interesting as it shows what Lily truly thinks about her life with Daniel. It has no dialogue, but is still engaging, which can be quite difficult to do, but you seem to have done very well with that.

Chapter 6: This chapter seems to show Daniel’s true colours. I like that you have written the characters with flaws that people could have, rather than the typical, perfect characters, that a lot of people like to put into their stories.
She wished for a way out. This is an interesting line to end the chapter on, as it could mean that she wished for a way out of her current situation, or even that she wished for a way out of the life that she is currently living with Daniel.

Overall: I found this story quite interesting. It seemed quite slow to start off with, but it is really starting to grow into something much more engaging and interesting.

I would appreciate a review of this story please. As many chapters as you like.

^. Claim! DONE!

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Story Review Game.

Title: The title just rolls right off my tongue. Very catchy and fun to say, and the fact that it has 'Pirate' in it is like a cherry on top of it all. I mean who doesn't love a Pirate tale?

Layout: Well it is obviously a fanfic on Pirates of the Caribbean, which is cool. I haven't seen many of them on here. The layout is okay, it's not great, but I mean it is definately easy to read, which is a definate plus. However, I would make it stand out a bit more. Not trying to offend, but it looks like it was just thrown together, rather than actually thought out.

The banner does look nice though, that one does look like effort was definately put into it, but it just doesn't suit the rest of the layout, so I would say make it a bit cleaner or fancy...I guess is what you could say. Presentation aside, I'm just glad the font is easy to read.

Summary: The summary is good, a little light on the story, yet keeps the questions about what will happen. Looking forward to see how this turns out, off to the first chapter.

Chapter 1: Okay so for chapter one...

First thing that caught my attention was how the paragraphs were clumped together like so:

Ten-year-old Bernadette Swann sat on the deck of the ship on which she was travelling with her father and older sister Elizabeth and picked at the edge of her dress as she listened to Elizabeth singing about pirates.
She looked up as Joshamee Gibbs passed her and placed his hand on Elizabeth's shoulder, causing her to jump. Bernadette giggled as her sister frowned at her.

Okay, when there is a new paragraph space them out otherwise it looks really messy, so that's the first thing that caught my attention and it seems that chapter one is like that all the way through.

I would definately say that the first chapter could use more description, since the first paragraph clumps are mostly dialogue and none of the characters are really described, they are just sort of put into it. Of course, I have only read part way through so that may change.

Most of the first chapter was very much like the movie and mostly dialogue, I would definately say it needs a tad bit more substence. It needs textures, emotions, imagery.

On to the second chapter...

Chapter 2: Alright so in chapter two...

This chapter didn't have that clumped paragraph issue, which made it so much easier to read and definately cleaner looking. So that's a definate plus.

She started as she heard a knock on her bedroom door. - Okay I don't get the beginning, what did she "start" exactly?

Once again this chapter is very related to the movie, which really takes away the element of originality. I'm not trying to be mean, but I just feel like I'm reading the script of the story with one new character rather than reading something new.

Also again, there wasn't much description at all about the characters. We don't know what they are wearing, the style of their hair, color of their skin. I mean I understand it's a fanfic and all, but it would definately put some meat one the bones of the story.

Nodding as the butler as he returned, Will noticed Bernadette. - This sentence doesn't make sense with the second 'as'. If you take out the 'as he' it will make sense.

At one point the dialogue became clumped together again, might want to space those out.
Also the dialogue is exactly like the movie with maybe like one word changed here and there...

The description on Jack was good, now all you really need to do is flesh out the rest of the chapter like you did there.

Overall: Okay well, after reading the firsty two chapters. It did make me want to watch the movies again, haha. But at the same time this story seems to lack some originality because it is mostly followed the first fifteen or minutes of the movie.

There definately needs to be more descriptions into the story, because like I said before it was like reading the script of the movie. I mean this isn't bad, by no means, but I really think that it does need some work.

I hope that I didn't come off rude in any of this, cause I really only intend to help you guys improve on your writing. So key points, break away from the original story and add more description to flesh out all the dialogue that you have.

Maybe you guys make it change after the first few chapters, but I don't know since I have stopped on Chapter Two. Anyways, good luck with writing this and I hope that you found this to be helpful.
=)

Princess Charm, please and thank you.

Claimed Finished.

Quote.:

Title
The title catches my attention; it makes me think immediately of The Princess Diaries for some reason, but either way it’s an interesting title.

Summary Page & Layout

I like the simple nature of your layout; it’s pretty to look out, and easy to read. I also really like how you used color gradient for some of the lines to make them stand out; they caught my attention right away, and made me more interested in what the story will be about. The picture you chose is also very pretty; it fits the layout, and looks good on the page. I’m not sure why there’s a big white space at the top of the layout, though; it takes away from the impact for me, a little bit.

Prologue

Scratch what I said about the white space at the top of the layout on the summary page; it makes sense now. The banner doesn’t show up on the first page, though; maybe it’s supposed to and didn’t on my web browser. The banner is beautiful; it also looks pretty on the layout, and I really like the font that you used for it. :)

Her father was a well-known heart surgeon, and her mother was a gorgeous model.
I don’t think there needs to be a coma separating the two.

In any case, Violet Taylor was basically a princess.
Maybe it’s just me, but I think that repeating the use of her full name makes it sound a little resonant, and takes away from the flow a little bit. Using just her first name, Violet, might make the flow go better.

Violet wanted to do something more, she wanted to see the world. When she turned fifteen, she started writing down a list of places she wanted to see. There were places as extravagant as London and as poor as the slums of African villages.
I really love how you phrased this paragraph. The adverbs you chose were good, too; very descriptive. Also, this paragraph makes Violet seem more personable to me—I can’t relate to someone who’s rich and snobby—a princess, as you called Violet—but I can relate to her now in the sense that she wants to see everything there is to see in the world. I’m glad you made Violet’s character a little more personable. :)

This is where I come into the picture.
For some strange reason, this line brought to mind The Emperor’s New Groove, when Kuzko kept interrupting the movie to put his thoughts in. It made me giggle, while at the same time intriguing me about who was being introduced into the story and what kind of new character would be shown to readers.

When I say small, I mean like Harry Potter under the stairs small.
This made me start laughing out loud. However, I think maybe if you used dashes between the words Harry through small, it would make it more impactful and make more grammatical sense. Either way, this line is so far my favorite; it made me laugh out loud, which is something that I don’t do at very many stories on Mibba.

“Vi, I don’t have the money for something like that, let alone the time,” I explained…
I think that if you used a period at the end of the sentence instead of a comma, it would add to the impact of the story and help the flow.

The puppy eyes and pouting lip were about to come on; I called it her Princess Charm.
If you separated this sentence into two sentences, it would make it all the more powerful and impactful, I think. It’s perfectly fine the way it is, but I think the story would flow better if you changed it to two sentences instead. ^_^ I also like how you tied the story’s title into this; it makes a lot of sense now that I think about it, and I like it.

Overall, I really liked this chapter. It was cute, and I like how at the end Eric finally relented and gave in to Violet. I also like how you made him resist at first; school and his job are important, and it would have been unrealistic of the character you’d built him to be at that point if he’d just agreed right off the bat to drop everything and travel the world.

I think you need to watch the commas at the end of dialogue, though. It doesn’t look right, and your beats and tags are off. If a sentence isn’t going to be continued, you should use a period, not a comma so that it makes more grammatical sense. I hope that didn’t sound incredibly rude. =/

Chapter One: The List

I thought the use of the Turkish proverb at the beginning of the first chapter was just a one-time thing to set the mood for the story, but I really like how you tied this quote from Aldous Huxley into the second chapter. It matches with what you’ve set the story up to be so far, and I’m eager to start reading chapter two. =)

Two bags, a camera, and my laptop would be my life for the next few months.
I love how you started off with this right away. It pulls me in to the story and makes me wonder if Eric is being slightly sarcastic about this entire trip that he’s taking, or if he’s eager to start and isn’t showing it yet. This sentence gives Eric some more depth, and I love how you did it.

It must be nice to have an insanely rich family.
I like the sarcasm, and slight bitterness, in Eric’s tone with this sentence. Once again, you’ve managed to give him some more depth and dimension.

She was also wearing pink eye shadow and pink lip-gloss, just picture a walking Victoria’s Secret store, that’s probably violet. You’d figure her favorite color would be violet after her name, but nope she actually hated that color.
There’s a lot grammatically wrong with this paragraph, but it can all easily be fixed. The first half of the paragraph should be separated into two sentences; the way it’s written now is more of a run on sentence, and takes away from the flow. The second half of the second sentence kind of sounds awkward to me, as well. The use of the word ‘nope’ is a nice touch, I think—it gives Eric more depth and shows the kind of way he speaks—but I think that there should be a comma after it to separate the sentence out a little more.

“Embrace it.” She got off of my bed and looked over at my two suitcases.
“I’m embracing.”
I love how you used these lines. It made it all the more real, and makes me wonder if perhaps Eric has some romantic feelings for Violet?

The airport was bustling with people and yellow taxis of all shapes and sizes took over the drop-off area. Car horns were blared, people were chattering, luggage was tossed on the ground in piles, and little kids screamed and cried.
This paragraph is so extremely well-detailed. I can visualize everything, and hear the sounds you’ve described in my mind. I’ve noticed throughout both chapters that I’ve reviewed that you’re quite talented at detailed descriptions. ^_^

This is why I hated airports, crowded, loud, and messy.
If you used a dash rather than a comma after airports, it would be more impactful and help the flow a little better.

Eric, this is Philip Armstrong and uptight prick with a hidden agenda,” Violet said with a fake smile.
And should be an an. Other than that, this sentence is perfect and made me roll off the couch almost from laughing. I love how Eric also described him as a “creepy CIA looking guy.” It immediately brought to mind Men in Black, which is one of my favorite movies.

“This is my dream and I’m going to let it take me as far as it can go.”
“I think it’ll take you pretty far.”
This made me smile; I’m definitely thinking that there’s some romantic feelings now, and I’d love to see more of them throughout the story. ^_^

Also, I love how at the end she complained about Philip. It made me smile, and shows me just how much she really doesn’t like him. It made it more realistic for me as a reader.

Overall, I liked Chapter Two. It makes me want to see more from the story, and I think I’ll be subscribing so that I can see more from the story. ^_^

You Can't Win This Fight, please.

Claim. Done.

DROPDEAD:

Story Review Thread

Note: I don't know a whole lot about Avenged Sevenfold. Basically, the only thing I know is their names....and a song or two, but that's about it. Sorry. ):

Title:

The title is good. When I first read it I wondered, what fight and why can't the person win?

Layout:

Big, readable font! :D
The banner is great. I applaud you because I'm slightly banner challenged. The layout as a whole is nice, it's simple, but good. (:

Summary:

Nice summary. It's short and to the point. No dillydallying. Now, I have an idea of what the fight is and why they can't win.

Story:

“You can’t stop this from happening any more than I can. Why are you making this so hard on both of us?” Brian Haner, Jr. asked of his longtime girlfriend...
Is there supposed to be a comma before the Jr. or does it come after? I'm not really sure, but I wanted to point it out just incase.

“You can’t stop this from happening any more than I can. Why are you making this so hard on both of us?” Brian Haner, Jr. asked of his longtime girlfriend Allison Beckett as he leaned in the doorway of Room 216 at the Huntington Beach Urgent Care Center, sadness in his chocolate-brown eyes as he watched her standing dutifully by their two-year-old son’s bedside, her green-grey eyes teary as she stared down at his cherubic face.
Wow. This is an extremely long sentence. Suprisingly, it doesn't sound like a run-on sentence so it's good. I just think it's really long.

“I know he’s our son, baby.” Brian said, softening his voice as he too walked over to the bedside, wrapping an arm around her waist as he too looked down at the toddler.
The period after baby should actually be a comma.
The fact that their son is just a mere toddler is startling. It's sad that such a young child doesn't have the chance to live longer. And it's realistic, this does happen to those who are unfortunate.

He’d never get to do a lot of things he’d promised his son that they’d do someday together, when he got older.
This line is a tearjerker, at least for me it is. I know the feeling of not fulfilling a promise because of something tragic happening and it's not a good feeling.

“Why Adam?” Allison asked him, her voice a strange mixture of sob and anger. “What did he do to deserve this, Brian? What did we do?”
This is a reasonable reaction. Parents or family members always question, why them or what did they do to deserve this. I know I've said or thought those two questions more than once in my life.

“It’s only for a few minutes, Adam,” Brian tried to reassure him. “We’ll be right outside in the hallway, and as soon as the nice nurse leaves, we’ll be back.”
It must be really hard for them to leave their son, even if for only a few minutes, when he pleads with them to stay. It's sad to read how close the child is to his parents because he doesn't like to be apart from them for a few minutes and, yet he'll be taken from them after the week is up. I'm starting to think Adam doesn't know he's going to die. It's definitely not something you could just tell a toddler. Even if they did tell Adam, he probably wouldn't comprehend exactly what it means to die. If his parents explained it to him, he probably wouldn't understand or would forget. He's only 2 so there's no telling what he'll retain or learn.

...the others went about their nightly routines, either not showing their sympathy or just truly not caring that Brian and Allison’s lives were being shattered.
Sometimes it does seem as if the doctors could care less about the fact that you just lost someone important to you. It's a horrible feeling, when you feel like no one other than yourself or your family cares about the person you just lost.

“Yeah, it’s me, Scooter.” He told him, brushing Adam’s hair out of his eyes.
The nickname is cute. At first I was confused about his name. I thought his name was Scooter, but then I found out it was Adam and Scooter is his nickname.

He couldn’t think of anything else he was supposed to say; he didn’t know what he could say.
Sometimes, I feel this way. I feel as if I should say more, but I don't know what more else there is. I can only hope that, although it sometimes doesn't feel like enough, saying "I love you" is enough.

“Find Uncle Jimmy,” Was all that Brian could think of to say. Adam blinked, but didn’t say anything as another yawn escaped his lips. “He’ll take care of you up there, okay?”
This line is sweet. I know enough about the band to know that Jimmy now rests in peace. It's nice to think that Adam will have someone to watch over him. Still sad though.

Overall:

This is so sad. :,(
This is the first story I've read on mibba that had me in tears. The way you described the emotions was perfect, you captured it beautifully.
You pulled this off without a hitch and it flowed fluidly. It's realistic and believable. While reading, I felt as if this was all really happening.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. You're a great writer. The only problems I caught were with grammar. When a person is speaking, you end with a comma.
Ex: “It’s not fair,” She whispered, wiping the tears out of her eyes as she watched her son sleep.
I used one of your sentences from the story. You had a period instead of a comma, but I changed it to show you what I mean. The rule doesn't apply when using a ? or !
Check this to better understand what I mean.

Identical to the Eye, please.

metamorfosis:

Title
You have an amazing title. It catches the eye, doesn't give away the story line, yet it gives you an idea of what's it about.

Layout
I really like your layout. It really looks like it took you time to make, but it still manages to look simplistic and easy to the eye of the reader.

Summary
I really like the quote that you used. At first, it didn't make much sense, because you didn't give away much of the plot in your own words. If this was another story, I wouldn't like it, but after reading yours, this quote explains perfectly enough everything that's going on. You just need to read into the story and realize how much sense now it makes.

Content. I will divide this in 4 categories, dialogue, flow, descriptions, characters. Also, a warning, I'm no big fun of quoting big chunks in every paragraph. I'd only quote around 5 things, tops.

Descriptions
I really like the way you started your story. It's very detailed, so full of descriptions, and it introduces the character's passion due to the content of the descriptions; how she hears the beat, tempo, her head bobbing, her feet walking in unison with the tempo... I really liked it how you wrote it in a very subtle way, gave the readers hints, about what this character lives for... music.

I noticed a very small disruption of the flow. The symphony of New York streets played powerful and fluid; loud enough for those [...]. In this part, that semicolon sort of disrupts the tempo that you created with the descriptions, it really should be a comma; it'd work better, and it'd be correct, grammatically speaking.

Even after the dialogue kicks in, your descriptions are so vivid. It's very easy to picture the environment without much trouble. Of course, I noticed you focus more on what's going on with the two characters, rather than what's surrounding them, but I could still imagine every single little detail about the place they were in. At what I'm getting with this is, that the way you structured the descriptions gives the reader enough material and then to work from it, making the story more dynamic and not boring by giving every single little detail away.

Characters
At first, I wasn't sure who was the twin that we, as readers, were following through NY till she reached her destination. It was a bit confusing to read the first entry of the dialogues and not know who was who. Of course, after re-reading it, I realized who arrived and who was waiting

I really liked Luce, her positive attitude shines through the screen. I liked how you made her really bubbly and then the contrast with Claire's personality, who appeared to be a little more down to earth. The only thing I'd suggest you on the character's bit, is to avoid that overused plot device of making the twins very different, personality-wise. I mean, their personalities are great, but they both contrast a lot, making the characters complete opposites and finding it hard to believe that they actually get along.

Dialogue
I absolutely loved your dialogue. It was so simple, straight to the point, yet deep enough for the reader to learn about the twins' past. It flowed really nicely and it was highly realistic. Kudos on that.

Flow
The overall story flowed very nicely. The dialogue and descriptions worked together and made it so easy for the readers to picture exactly what was going on, and it was highly realistic. The sentence flow worked nicely; the only thing that felt a little weird was at the very beginning, due to the whole thematic of those first paragraphs, the beat, tempo, music. I just thought it was a bit... overly-worded (is that even a word?); anyways, what I'm trying to say is that it sounds far more complicated than the rest of the story, which takes a way a bit of the flow it has.

Overall
The plot is something you don't read very ofter. I mean, yeah the whole identity switch between twins has been done, but you, for once, have a very unique reason as to why they're doing this.

I really liked the characters, except for the few things that I mentioned. The descriptions and dialogue flow very well together, and the general story is quite interesting.

Bang!, please.

Claimed!

juno.:

Title:
The title is boring, to say the least, it didn't draw me in. You're also not allowed punctuation in your titles so I'd adivse you to take out the exclamation mark.

Layout:
The layout also wasn't very appealing. To me, you need a good layout and title to draw people in. This didn't draw me in.

Summary:The summary didn't draw me in, again. You should brush up on your appearence skills to make people want to read it.

Chapter one:
He could still hear that cackle puncturing his eardrums, all he needed to do was to conceal himself in the darkness of the cave and sit still for a minute or so... then he would hear it, There shouldn't be any dots after 'or so'. It should be a comma and then a capital T for then.

sheltering from the memories of those nights with him, and Barbara... she had a purpose to continue, It should be 'Sheltering from the memories of those night with him and Barbara. She had a purpose to continue,

...that the owner had died long ago... it was another different story. That the owner had died long ago - it was a different story.

“I'm glad that you could make it.” The slick, oily voice lingered longer than expected, bringing unwanted memories to the masked man. This sentence flowed really well and the way you described the voice was amazing. Also, there should be a comma after the speaking part.

“Show yourself.” His voice came out as a grunt, a hoarse, gutural grunt, yet, the last note that his voice gave faltered, giving away the true state of shock that the masked man was in. This sentence is way too long and there should be a comma after 'yourself' in the speaking part and 'His' should have a small H.

“Well, you see, that'd be waaay too easy for us, wouldn't it? Besides," There is no need for the waaaay. It should just be way.

“Cowering already, Bruce?I'll give you a little encouragement.” There should be a space between Bruce? and I'll.

the Batman, had broken his one rule... and thus It should be, the Batman, had broken his one rule, and thus.

Overall:
It was well written and not too much dialogue or too little. I really liked it. I hate Batman and fan fic though but it was still awesome. Everything was detailed enough to see everything you wrote so clearly in my mind. I loved it. Great job, well done, despite the few mistakes (:

Diamonds and Divas, please (:

^ Claimed! DONE!
=)

Quote

Story Review Game.

Layout, Summary, Title:
Clean and simple, but nice banner. First impression about spoiled rich girls, especially with the title and all.

After reading the short summary, I can see that it isn't exactly about a rich girl, but a high maintenance one...which is about the same if you ask me, haha.

Chapter One:

Poppy, that's a cute name. Reminds me of the girl from Wild Child.

Kiki is dumb for bringing her cellphone into an interview, way to get a job is all I'm thinking.

“Dave,” she said, shaking. “I need you to book me on the schedule right now!” she was now hypreventilating. - oh goodness, she is definately high maintenance, can't stand girls like this.

I think you have a bit too much dialogue going on in this chapter, I think it needs more description about the characters looks and a few details about where she is.

Kiki sighed. “Uh, no because if I do then I won’t be able to hear when I get a text, will I?” - spoiled b*tch, but I actually no a girl who did this to a teacher at my school before...so it's kinda right on the money.

The last bit of the chapater brought out the sarcastic side in me. When I read it I was like "Yeah sure, lose the attitude, get rid of the phone, and look presentable." Anyways, interesting chapter.

Overall:

For the chapter as a whole, I would say it needs more description. It's mainly dialogue and it kinda takes away. I mean she's a high maintenance girl explain the expensive clothes she's most likely wearing, explain her eye color, the surrounding area.

It seems pretty interesting, not something I'd really read because the main character was bothering me, but that's me being all stereotypical. But your plus is the nice layout and a character that actually seems pretty real.

Since there is more to the story, I'm sure it probably gets better...but off of just the first chapter this is about all I can give you.

Princess Charm please and thank you.

Claim.
Done:

metamorfosis:

I will review the Prologue.

Title
The title is fairly good, interesting and doesn't give anything away.

Layout
I really, really, liked the layout. It's easy to the eye, it has a wonderful banner, and it draws you in.

Summary
I really did not like the summary. I mean, not because of the lyrics in it, but because of the whole placement and gradients in it. It looks a bit messy, which takes away the really beautiful layout that you have.

Content. I will divide content in 4 parts: description, characters, dialogue, flow. I'm no big fan of quoting big chunks of the story, so I will do that as less as possible, only if necessary.

I really like how you started the introductory line by introducing the character without it being too detailed. What I liked about it was how subtle it started.

I noticed a little disruption with the flow in the first paragraph. [...]rich and spoiled. Everyone knew it, and she knew it too. Here, the period is grammatically correct, but it disrupts the flow due to it making a full stop. The first sentence is connected with this one, so, having a period makes it really awkward to read. I suggest the use of a semicolon, that way the reader doesn't have to make a full stop in the sentence.

Money had never been a problem for her family; even her grandparents[...] Here, it'd work much better a comma.

Your descriptions are really vivid, yet moderate, which I really like, because that way the reader can make up the rest of the place. I liked how you mainly focused on the character's description and introduction.

They didn't want her to go alone, nor did she plan to do it all alone. This is where I come into the picture. You have no idea how much I liked this. I thought that, at first, the narration was going to be in third person and we were just going to see her in her whereabouts across the world, but then this. It's a very unique way of narration; I'm not saying it hasn't been done, but I've never seen it in a way that works really nicely with the flow of the story. Yours did; it worked amazingly with the flow and how the narration starts at first.

Now, let me start with dialogue and your characters' presence. I really liked how simple the dialogue was, specially the parts spoken by Violent. She comes off as a very... careless and a bit of a push-over I really like that on female characters, since most of the female characters I've read about are truly weak and give up as soon as some guy says “no” to them. So, seeing Violet keep pushing the subject over, suggesting things to Eric so he could go, and finally convincing him; I really like her.

Eric, on the other hand, comes off as very weak. I mean, I'd understand since here's a girl telling him to quit everything so he can go with her to travel the world, but I think that maybe he needs a stronger voice in order to properly interact with Violet. That's just a suggestion, the character is really well-rounded, the only thing that bothered me was how he easily agreed.

The flow between narration, descriptions, and character presence goes perfectly well. It's easy to picture every single thing, the dialogue, the characters, everything.

Overall
I really liked this, it's intriguing and the plot is something I've never read of. I will subscribe, in fact, to see how their trip around the world works out.

The only thing that I noticed that you should work out a bit harder is Eric's personality, so you don't make him into Violet's follower, make him have more presence, without making him too stubborn.

Please review Bang!. I would like a review focusing more on the whole narration, plot, and dialogue, rather than focusing a lot on grammar.

Claimed Finished.

Quote:

Layout & Summary Page

The layout is simple, and easy to read. I like it. However, I think the fact that the width of the writing being longer than the banner picture you’ve chosen takes away a little bit from the impact of imagery.

He was there, his smile, his laughter, his annoyingly bright suit; the Joker was back.
I love this line. It pulled me in right away. I don’t typically read Batman fanfics; this will be the first one I’ve read, actually. The way you put the words together in this sentence is good. :)

I also like the quote that you used in italics. It sound familiar; was it said in The Dark Knight by Batman? Either way, it also makes me more intrigued about this story, and I’m eager to start reading and see what kind of story you’ve written.

Chapter One: Here Comes The Punchline

I’ll break this up into three parts: narration, plot, and dialogue since that’s what you asked for on the Review Thread. :)

Narration

Your first paragraph captures my attention. It’s vivid without being overbearing; I can put together my own image in my mind with the descriptive language you chose to narrate with. The vocabulary you chose is remarkable, as well; not many writers on Mibba have used words like incessant. Your narration, so far, is amazing.

He worked better when he had something to do. He worked better when there was something or someone to catch, but, since the laughing man's death, the streets were as peaceful as they've never been, and that made more space for the resounding laughter inside the caped crusader’s head.
This paragraph is absolutely, stunningly brilliant. I can relate to the character you’re building up in the sense that I too work better with something to do; I’m not sure if that’s what you were trying to accomplish, but you did, and making Batman (I don’t know his real name…) more personable to readers makes this a very pleasant read. ^_^

Even after Robin he could still handle it, but him, with that never ending laughter and how he knew that the owner had died long ago...
Seeing a mention of Robin made me grin. He was always my favorite character from Teen Titans, so that’s what I automatically think of when you mentioned Robin. I also like the way you phrased this sentence; you have a knack for narration. ^_^

Overall, your narration is lovely. It pulls the reader in to the world you’ve created with this story, and makes the read very pleasant. :)

Plot
I love the plot you came up with. Underneath the Joker’s sinister humorus demeanor, I could see that you built him up to be a truly psychotic character; he truly was insane in this piece, and it made it all the more enjoyable to read. I can spot no errors with your plotline; it’s simply amazing, and I think it’s brilliant just the way you put it.

Dialogue

“I was slightly preoccupied that you wouldn’t hear my invitation from that far away.”
I think this bit of dialogue is a little confusing. I get what you’re trying to say with it, but perhaps a different word in the place of preoccupied, such as worried, would make more sense here?

I like Batman’s response, as well; it fits the character you’ve built him up to be. It’s also realistic in the sense that I’m sure most people would respond in that way if they couldn’t see the person talking to them—especially if that person was supposed to be dead.

“Well, you see, that'd be way too easy for us, wouldn't it? Besides,” the voice left the silence linger more than it should have before continuing, “you outta know me better than anyone, dark room or not.”
I love his sarcastic, joking manner of response. You’ve done the Joker’s character justice by having him speak in this manner; I can see this quote coming out of his mouth in one of the actual movies, it’s that well-written and true to his character. :)

“I knew it, batsy, one of these days, I knew you were gonna lose it.”
I like how you called Batman ‘batsy,’ however it should be noted that any nicknames should be capitalized because they are a proper noun. ^_^ I like how the Joker tells Batman he knew he was going to lose it; it makes their communication more realistic to me, and I can feel the tension between the two of them.

“Problem is, bats, Brucey... Can I call you Brucey? I will anyways.”
This made me smile. Ba da, da, da, da….I’m lovin’ it. I love the Joker’s dialogue in this story.

“Oh, Batsy! You've just taken another step into the realm of insanity! I'm so proud, all in one day.”
This made me laugh. I don’t know if that’s the reaction you were trying to elicit; but it did. :)

I would like to mention here, however, that towards the end of the piece there were a couple of noticeable spelling mistakes and word confusion, like with “night” and “knight.” They’re very small mistakes, but they detract a little from the flow of the story.

Natural Born Killer, please. ^_^

Claim.

Adam Gontier.:

Title: The title was appealing to me, I love that song. It's also interesting, because it gives me the sense that there'll be gore and intense murder. Turns me on to it instantly.

Layout: I like the background a lot, with the blood splatters and all. The banner seems like it could've been done a little better, but I like it 'cause it looks pretty cool. 7/10.

Summary: Well...There isn't one. That might play out as a good thing, though.

Chapter One:

"
He’d seen her in here before, although never in an outfit quite like the one she had on tonight. His tongue flicked out of his mouth for a brief moment, wetting his dry lips as he blatantly checked her out. Her caramel-colored hair lay down her exposed back in long waves, curling inward at the bottom. He couldn’t see her eyes, but he recalled that they had been a light shade of blue-grey the last time he’d seen her. The dress she’d chosen for the night’s excursion was a deep midnight blue, so dark that it was almost black in the dim lighting of the club. Matt took another swig of his beer, unable to tear his gaze off the woman." Wow, that was some really amazing imagery and description right there. Even from the first paragraph and title, I could tell that there's something sinister in Matt Sanders.

"She was perfect, he mused. Or at the very least, perfect for his cruel intentions. " Aha! Something is up. I'm excited now.

"No doubt she thought he was too good-looking to be a raving psychopath. They all did. And they were all wrong." Oh, well this just keeps getting better. This isn't the first person that he'd wanted to kill, and he succeeded the other times. Extra creepy.

"He spoke, keeping his voice even as the smoke left his mouth and travelled into the cool night air in abstract designs." I loved this line. I believe 'traveled' has one l, though.

"He pushed her against the nearest building, showing her just how rough he could and would be as he moved his lips expertly against her throat, sucking gently on the delicate skin." This gave me the sense that this will be a brutal killing. I like.

"He didn’t say anything as he looked down at her through the aviators, a smirk on his place. This was typically when he would stop the fun and games of the night; he didn’t usually have sex with the women he brought back to his house. " Oh, he's not a rapist killer? That's a nice change. I really wanna know what he's gonna do now, more than before.

I'm not gonna quote all of it, but the sex scene was superb. I also love the chicks reaction to Matt not using a condom; it was realistic. Wonderful, wonderful.

When it turns out that the girl was just like the other ones Matt killed, I felt a little sad because I was hoping she'd put up more of a fight. She get's handcuffed to the bed, and now I'm really wondering what's gonna happen to the girl. It's getting even more intense. Poor Bridgett.

Am I a bad person for thinking it's cool he's going to carve a tattoo on her stomach? It's very unique. This certainly isn't a cliche murder.

"'I’m a natural born killer, dear.' He whispered, holding the knife up." Brilliant, although the story already fit into the title superbly.

The end of this chapter was very, very good. It was chilling, there were details where they were needed, and no spelling or grammatical errors. Actually, I couldn't find any mistakes anywhere in the story.

Another thing I'd like to add is that everything flowed well, it wasn't choppy at all. Also, a lot of people tend to go really slow in the beginning, but rush to the end... If you'd done that, I don't think it would've been as good. Yes, it picked up speed, but didn't fly by so fast that the reader would think little thought was put in.

Your dialogue skills are magnificent, I loved how both your characters spoke. It made it more realistic.

Characters: Matt was a well-structured character, but maybe you could add a little descripton of why he is the way he is? That'd make him a stronger character. Other than Matt, the only other major character is Bridgett. I liked her, I like how she wasn't a prissy girl, and her attitude towards Matt when she gave him the lighter. Her reactions to what he said were something like out of a well-written movie.

Read Decembers, please.

joe kerr.:

Layout
I like the simplicity of your layout. The banner is beautiful and matches perfectly with the summary of your story.

Title
I never before heard of Hawthorne Heights, so I went ahead and used the song from which the title came as a soundtrack. I can see how it matches with the story's plot. It has this nostalgic note to it and it's beautiful.

Content
Summary: The summary drew me in. I thought it was nostalgic and rather appealing how you focused on Devian after the lost, instead of focusing totally on how he suffered through Cody's final days.

Plot: I really liked the plot. I rarely read any death stories, mainly because most of them are teen angst stories centered on the lost itself. Yours, on the other hand, I liked every single bit of it. I like how you set every single paragraph, how it all started, directly into the shock of being diagnosed, then progressed to the struggling Cody had to go through, yet you managed to focus mainly on Devian without making it another cliché angst story.

In all honesty, my eyes watered through the ending. It was so incredibly sad and sweet at the same time. I simply loved how Devian stood by Cody's side through everything, showing how strong this character really is, how he had to be Cody's rock in order for him to live his last days happy.

Your descriptions and narration is so simplistic and easily to picture; thus rendering it highly realistic and easy to he eye, for it does not contain flowery bullshit that would simply deteriorate the realism of your piece.

Dialogue: I really liked how scarce the dialogue was, because, that way, the readers could focus more on Cody's death and how this took its toll on Devian.

The one piece in which you incorporated dialogue was so sweet. I could really picture this happening. And my very favorite part consist of this:

Dev...I'm scared to die." He whimpered. "Really."
This part is my very favorite. It shows how human your characters are, how real. It's just so realistic, something anybody would say when knowing they're about to leave this existence. This just gave depth to your character.

Characters: As I've stated before, your characters have such depth that I can't even believe they're fictional. Their personalities shine through the whole thing, specially Devin's personality and how strong he had to be for Cody, yet how all of this was putting a huge weight on his shoulders.

Overall: I absolutely enjoyed reading your story. I really couldn't notice anything bad to say about it. It was entertaining, it evoked emotions into the reader, amazing characters, plot, and dialogue, and this was just the prologue.

Read Rebirth, please.

Heartswell.:

Firstly, your banner is simply gorgeous <3 and your layout is very soothing to the eyes and very . . . how

Your summary is compact, yet, intriguing and promising. This is an unfinished work, a first chapter, so I think the summary does still carry a future part of the plot (that's still interesting).

The story starts out well with its descriptions of the dead house. I like how you textured the atmosphere and how . . . there's just this world inside that house that's separate from the perfect world out there. It's laced with death and little lives: cats, mice and cockroaches that are scattered all over the house and are, arguably more alive than her.

I love your character. I love her namelessness, her skeleton-like figure, and her apathy. She reminds me of the worst times and the most apathetic depressing times of our lives only internalized and dragged out until they're not a part of us, until those times are us. She's the crazy cat lady that no-one gives a second look at or even a first look. The reasons to why I love her is that this type of character is the underdog. She's not pretty enough to be broken (like all broken girls), but she is broken (she is a walking skeleton). She just is what she is. I find it refreshing and enjoyable to read a character like this. She's not your typical heroine. Reminds me of a Chuck Palahniuk character. She's symbolic in her very being; her and her cigarette (I have a love for fictional cigarettes; not real cancer-sticks).

Yet, what I loved even more is her nihilism. All the bad things inside her, outside her, and far away in the future can kill her and she doesn't care. She might as well kill herself by not caring and by her smoking and addiction. It's funny how she mentions that her addiction to oranges might be fatal, but she glides over her smoking (but not her cancer).

The cats were another point I liked, how you used them as comparison to her own stubbornness. Her stubbornness to survive. Here we move on to another area: juxtaposition and contrast. The contrast between the death of the house, the death that's all over her and inside her and her will to live (even though it's not apparent) is beautifully put and illustrated. Even though all these things, as I previously mentioned, can kill her she just keeps living, just like the cats that barely survive.
Even though she knew she could or is going to die, she just lives.

Also, I love the section about the rain. How she connects with it and how it's falling like she wants to fall too.

“You were not alive if you didn't have a worthy death,” [...] “If you wanna go, you better do it properly, hit the sac with dignity and style, be remembered, good or bad, ya' know? It's better than dying and just dissipating into oblivion.”
Through all this nihilism and hopelessness, it appears that she does find purpose in life: through death. Yet, she still strive, through her way to find death, to feel alive like the rain. Again, a contrast. As I said, she's a symbol: of contradiction.

(My only crit is here, if you use contractions or not, keep up with that. Make it consistent because sometimes it breaks the flow of the dialog.)

The cats dying is relevant to how she sees the world (relevant to my point below); in the world, the few people who are like the cats are what's left of the dying cats. The people that stay at distance and just watch and avoid feeding on the others. Arguably, they can be viewed as the 'honest' people or the 'outcasts': they can be both, in a world full of mice and cockroaches revolving around each other.

The house is important symbol during all of this. Since the house, with its mice, cockroaches and cats, is her whole world to the extent when she gets out of the house, she still sees mice, cockroaches and cats. The world is one big house that runs monotonously and has replaceable disposable people that run it, just like how when she left the house, the mice and cockroaches [were] running the house. Thus, it's amazing how this all interconnects.

I think you present your contrasts very clearly and cleverly and give a new perspective on the themes of life and death and how the world operates. Needless to say I think this piece is very well-written. . .well, well-written is an understatement because my God. The metaphors, the analogies and the interrelatedness of it all. The house is her own world, stinking of death and parasites, and through the house she knows how the world operates. This story is my type of story. It actually has a theme and does actually read beyond the lines. I might have mentioned things you never meant while writing, but that's the fun of literature, eh? All the different interpretations we get from one piece of text.

I enjoyed reading Rebirth and thinking about it, all the connections it carries and so, might I say, much kudos to you, darling <3 I hope this review has done you right.
(Also, excuse me for not following the breakdown in the thread, it just flows better this way with me).

(Also, why no other comments? D: D: this is a crime D:)

You can review either Soledad, Beauty in a Bowl. or, if you don't mind fanfics, Babies of Father Sky and Mother Ground (PATD(!); Brendon+Ryan- one-shot) or Dancing Bruises (FOB/MCR; Pete/Frank- multichapters). I don't like restrictions <3 Or any other one that appeals to you.
Thank you in advance.

Layout, Summary & Title;
Give the allusion of mythology and I'm wondering if that's going to tie in at all, whether subtly or not.

I really just love the summary, to begin with. The last line of it I wasn't sure if Ryan's way out was in his own hands or Brendon's, but I sort of liked that I didn't know.

Story lines;

We're miserable, we're happy, we're bound to each other, we're bound right to the muscles and tendons.
I like how these sections are separated with commas rather than periods or semicolons. It gives the run-on effect, which I love. It's chaos and it makes you feel what you assume they're feeling. In the beginning, I love the immediately contradiction. In the end, I love the discussion of muscles and tendons. I like when something like that is used in a story because it creates a sense of realism instead of this lah-lah-lah-love story.

Me from the thing that's binding me away from death, Brendon from what's keeping him alive.
I read this line three times. Firstly, because I read extremely quickly and wasn't sure I understood. The third time I reread it because I did understand. What Ryan's talking about is the same thing. Away from death/keeping him alive. But it's worded in such a way that you see it as two completely different things, which is why I had to reread. I wasn't sure I understood. (Also, I love how there's no easing in to using Brendon's name. It's just there and it doesn't jar you either.)

We're bumbling little boys, awkwardly playing Devil and Angel and looking at places we could never read.
I'm trying to figure out what it as about this line that had my hand pressed to my face in shock and my bottom lip trembling and my eyes almost watering. I'm not sure. It's so fucking real that it hurts. The beginning is just their feelings, the innocence, the naivette [even though it seems he knows everything, sometimes it's better to not]. And then the end of it just seems like a line that Ryan himself would have written [looking at places we could never read]. I think that's probably why I was trying not to cry. It's so incredibly Ryan and that's just scary to read, at least for me. Because Ryan scares me.

That thick and heavy air that weights down your lungs, your body, even your blood.
Again, the mentions of anatomy just bring it all back to reality. And what he's describing here, what you're describing . . . it's so true that it almost hurts. This is a really simple description but everyone who's felt the weight of air knows exactly what you're talking about and no further description is needed.

It's a bad thing to do, right? Not very sane of me, but I had to do it. He had my fucking halo.
This line I actually did tear up. The last bit. The blame. How it's not his fault and he's just so fucking desperate that he has no choice. How God took his choice. How the hostage situation has lead him here, choking himself to feel alive, to feel the lights.

but I need them to see that halo that halo that halo that halo that beautiful pretty halo that I can't get no matter how much I want it.
I like how everything in this paragraph was perfectly punctuated until you get to the halo and then it's just chaos and run-ons again. It just further shows his desperation and I can hear his voice in my head, getting higher and higher, manic and desperate.

Story;
I have to say, overall, it's just interesting to hear Ryan talk about God. Because he's an Atheist and it's very rare to find him painted as anything different, though I wouldn't call this a religious piece. But it's . . . just different and I really liked that.

The scene where Brendon undoes the bag is scary as hell. Ryan's sensing things he's telling us he can't sense. The way they speak is scary as shit. Not only that neither one of them can form actual words because they're both so incredibly fucked up in such different ways, but they actually understand each other because they've been there so many times before. It's just . . . awful. And it's beautiful, but ugly, and awful. But perfectly executed.

Brendon seemed to sort of sit in the background for me until that scene and I thought it was sort of amazing how he came out of nowhere to pull the bag off.

Me from the thing that's binding me away from death, Brendon from what's keeping him alive.
I said before how those comparison's seemed to be the same thing but were worded completely differently and in reading, they are completely different. The similarities are so vague that you start to think they don't even exist anymore. [I don't think they exist anymore.] It's just the connection to each other that ties them to together, as I see it.

The end. Oh, Christ. The end. It's like a repetition. Like the ending verse of a song. I heard it as music, not Ryan's voice. Something else. Over a different sort of Third Eye Blind song. There are two endings, in my head. Either he blacks out or he goes to Hell. I'd like to say he blacks out just because the Hell he's describing isn't one I believe in, but even if I go in my head and say he blacks out, I can't see anything else after that. And normally with a story, I can sort of see a hazy sense of future. So I have to say that he's dead. And now there's no light and I don't even know.

This is so completely unlike any fanfiction I've read, like an original fiction I've read. It's so out there and so . . .

It's like you're using things that we all seem to understand even vaguely, the need for more, the need for less, the need to escape, the desperate things we do to ourselves in order to obtain. But it's like I've never seen it before, like these are completely new concepts to me and Brendon and Ryan are the first to create them in your story. It's utterly terrifying and I really, really can't think of a word to describe it, which is why I wrote this rambling little paragraph. I think better when I ramble.

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Please read Valencia and comment there as well.