Story Review Thread

Claimage! (: Finitoh!

DROPDEAD:

Story Review Game

Title, Summary, & Layout
The title is interesting enough to convince me to click on the link. I'm guessing the title is significant to the story, but I'll have to read to find out.

I like the lyrics used in the summary, and I actually know the song. (:
The summary is only one sentence, but it's concise. It's brief, but tells the reader the main point. I think it's a good quality for a writer to have, to be able to get the message across in just a few short words, and you pulled it off. I don't think you need to have the pairings listed in the summary. Most people can probably figure out that the pairing is Ryan & Brendon, just by reading the summary. Well, if they're familiar with the pairing, but I don't think it's necessary to have it in the summary. Maybe a better place would be in the author's note section.

The layout is beautiful. I love that the banner looks like an old photograph. The colors mesh well and the font is a good size. I like that the banner is bigger than the story section. I don't see that a lot with stories, but I really like it.

Story
This was the end of the Golden Era.
The sentence would sound more natural if you replaced this with it.

Now even that was over.
Insert a comma after now. It gives a better effect if there is a pause.

“And it’s all my fault.” Ryan said aloud to no one.
When you have dialogue you have to end it with a comma, unless it's a question or exclaimation.
Ex: “And it’s all my fault,” Ryan said aloud to no one.

And even though Brendon had said it was okay about two days after they got signed, he still went home to his boyfriend with eyes red from crying, begging for forgiveness.
There should be a comma after okay.

Jeans, tee shirt.
You should changes this to: Jeans and a t-shirt.

Ryan pretend to be surprised, confused.
Should be pretended.

“Get out!” his screamed, pulling the door open.
His should be he.

How was he supposed to began a new life if he walked his soon-to-be-ex all over the place he wanted to begin it at?
Began should be begin.

She sighed gently, one handed resting comfortingly on his back as she sat Indian-style behind him on her bed.
Handed should be hand.

She put the brush down and turned Ryan’s chin until he look at her.
Look should be looked.

Her voice ws soft, just like the skin of her hand.
Ws. Correction: was.

Plot
The plot is very common. The whole break up between two people and their lives are complete shit without the other. Blah, blah, blah. But I like the way you spun it to your advantage. I like that you didn't make them run back into each others arms and apologize. That ending is way too overused. The ending you wrote is amazing. I love that you showed the emotion Brendon was feeling because Ryan left. The ending you chose is very realistic and more likely to happen, compared to the overused ending of happily ever after.

Dialogue & Description
You have several errors in your dialogue. Check this and read the story content section. It explains what I'm talking about with the dialogue. Other than that, the dialogue is good. It flows and doesn't sound forced.

The description is good. There is only one problem I have with your description.
Ex: “Three days in a hotel. A couple other guys, too.” His voice was steady, calm, matter-of-fact.
You sound like you're listing off synonyms, which is exactly what you're doing. I realize that you might be doing this to make a point or give a stronger effect, but you have to remember that sometimes, less is more. The sentence would give the same effect if you take out the last two words, calm and matter-of-fact. It would even sound better, especially with the other sentence that follows after.

I really love that you use syntax in the story. It gives something more to the story. Plus, I love syntax, so that's a bonus. (:

Overall
This is a pretty good one shot. Other than the things I pointed out, I really liked it. I haven't read a story like this so it's original to me. Yes, the pairing and plot is common, but you didn't focus the story on Brendon & Ryan's music career like most other stories. You hardly even brought up their music career, aside from the whole thing about Pete, but you made them seem like they were normal, everyday people. You made a fanfic sound like an originalfic. Also, like I mentioned before, I really like the way you ended the story. And how you added in the words, the end, at the very end, as if you were stating the story was over, but it was really Brendon admitting that it was 'the end' for him because Ryan left. That was genius. I absolutely loved it.

Please review the second chapter of, Identical to the Eye. Thank you.

Ignore. -_-

Ignore. -_-

Claimed Finished!

Dancing Dead.:

Title

Your title leaves me a little curious about the story, and makes me wonder what it’s going to be about. It’s a unique title that instantly grabs my attention, and I like that.

Summary
I love the quote you used, and the idea of using it with color gradient is genius, as well. Just the same as the title, it leaves me curious and eager to start reading. My one constructive criticism about the summary is that I would have chosen a different scheme of colors for the color gradient; I don’t much care for the color combination of purples and browns. That, however, is most likely more a personal thing, and it may only detract from the story for myself, so don’t feel inclined to change it just because of that. ^_^

Layout
The layout is quite visually appealing, and the image you chose for the banner is pretty, as well. It pulls me in to the story, as strange as that might sound. I like how you went with a brown paisley-like background that’s not distracting, yet not boring to the eye. Also, something I just noticed that you did was that you put a word count in the chapter summary, which is something I don’t see done a lot and applaud you for.

Chapter Two of Identical To The Eye
I’ll separate this into three sections: grammar, characters, and plot to make it easier to give a well-rounded review. ^_^

Grammar
“will you get over here and help me move your stuff.”
‘Will’ should be capitalized even though it’s continuing the sentence since it’s in a new set of parentheses. Also, the period at the end should be a question mark, since she’s asking Lucy a question.

feeling the need to ask like he used to do when they were little.
This sentence shows sweetness and concern in the father, though it is phrased a bit awkwardly, and I had to read over it a few times to understand what you were trying to say.

Characters
It wasn’t like Claire had been severely depressed or anything, but she was more alive than she’d ever been.
I love that line. It shows a lot of depth into Claire’s character to me. And also, it seems that I’ve finally found one of those rare species of stories that doesn’t center around scene girls who are all depressed and angry with everyone. This line shows a lot of realism, and I can now relate myself to Claire’s character.

Neither of the twins wanted their father to be disappointed with them.
This too shows depth in both Claire and Lucy. It makes them people rather than just characters on a piece of paper—or rather, a computer screen, as the case may be. I’m glad to finally see some realism in characters.

She didn’t allow herself time to contemplate what they were doing behind their father’s back, in fear of changing her mind.
This sentence shows that Claire has a conscience, and makes me wonder what it is that she and Lucy are doing that’s making her feel so guilty, and why it may disappoint their father.

Plot

I really like the plot so far. I didn’t have time to read the first chapter before diving into the second chapter to do this review, but I’m going to bookmark this story and may possibly subscribe because I’m interested already. I can’t say that I’ve read a plot similar to this on Mibba; granted, it’s the type of story I wouldn’t go looking for normally. I’m happy I decided to review this, however.

As A Whole

Overall, this story was great to read, and rather pleasurable to review. I really enjoyed the depth of character in Lucy and Claire, and while I have a slight idea as to what it is that Claire is flying off to do, I want to know more…The more I think about it, I think I’m going to subscribe. Other than those two slight grammatical errors, I saw none. You have a really good vocabulary, as well, and are excellent at phrasing and describing things.

Please review the second chapter of Natural Born Killer, and leave the review as a comment as well, please . ^_^

Claim.
Done.

broadway.:

Story Review Game - Chapter Two

First off, I think that your layout goes wonderfully with the title. Combining the blood with the whole “Natural Born Killer” thing, definitely a good way to go.

I would have liked to see a small summary on the summary page. I would have liked some idea of what I was going to be reading as opposed to making me own guess from the title and layout.

I haven’t read the first chapter, so if I make a comment about anything that was referred to in the first chapter, just disregard it xD

“What do you mean, my sister is missing?”
- I love it when chapters start off like this - directly into the drama. It also seemed to me like a very realistic reaction to hearing that a family member is missing - demanding some sort of reasoning behind it. I also liked how you hinted around about this girl’s career, and I hope that later on in the chapter we find out what she does.

For the next paragraph, you probably should of let it in the first one. It would’ve been a bit long, but technically speaking, I’m pretty sure if the same person is talking you keep it all in the one paragraph - just something to consider.

Amelia smiled when she saw her large safe, housing the rest of her guns and equipment.
- You’re doing an amazing job of introducing who Amelia is and what she does for a living - which is something I’m very curious about. You can tell from the way you write that you want your reader’s focus to be on Amelia’s job.

Because Bridgett wasn’t dead.
- I really loved your repetition of this. To me, it really shows that Amelia is in the denial stage of grief and loss. And at this point, the reader is definitely curious as to whether or not the body at the coroner’s office will be her sister. You’re doing an amazing job with keeping up the suspense and appealing to your reader’s curiosity.

The last time a policeman had promised her they’d get justice, it had been a lie. What would be different this time?
- Like I said before, introducing suspense is definitely your strong suit. I think that I’d definitely check back to read more of this, because you truly are an amazing writer.

I think that the second chapter was definitely a well done one. You know your characters inside and out, it seems, and you’re doing a great job of introducing the plot line. I’m a bit weary that it’s going to turn into your cliché A7X story, but I mean, you’re doing a fine job of going against the grain with not having the band in the very first chapter, haha. But seriously, good job : )

Any or all chapters of If You Knew Their Longing.
They're pretty short, so whichever ones you choose to do is fine.

Claimed. Done.

Crookshanks:

When I first started reading, I was sure that the short chapters would drive me crazy, but now I find that I kind of like it. I like how the first chapter just jumps right into the story without spending too much time on background information. It's almost like the background information is implied--like when you talk about Daniel standing there with a beer, I automatically assumed he was an alcoholic, and I wondered why on earth a woman with a small child would expose herself to that kind of situation. I also wondered if maybe Daniel was the father, and if he's not, I'm curious to see who is and why Lily isn't with him.

Lily's situation doesn't sit right with me. When you mentioned in the second chapter how she was sneaking around Daniel to avoid waking him up, I got so irritated--why should she have to worry about him as well? She's got a child. He should be the one worrying about and taking care of her. When she explained to Nicholas how Daniel just acted different because of his job, I didn't buy it. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I feel like it was an excuse, like she didn't want to try and explain that he really just likes to drink. Or maybe he drinks to relieve stress from his job. I don't know.

Daniel is so disgusting, oh my God. I don't understand why Lily is still with him. After he said that he didn't care about how he was affecting Nicholas, I hated him even more. He's incredibly rude, and it makes me wonder if there's some reason Lily endures all of this--like maybe he's paying for her living expenses, and she's afraid to leave because she doesn't have anywhere else to go. This is just...heartbreaking. I can't believe I already feel such contempt for a Daniel after only a few short chapters. It makes me like this story even more. You're moving things forward with the same amount of words most people would take to write an introduction to their chapter, which amazes me.

I felt so bad for Lily in Chapter 4. I feel like you really captured the ups and downs of their unhealthy relationship. I kind of wanted to reach into the screen and shake Lily and tell her to forget Daniel and leave. It's so frustrating watching her be miserable, and I love when a story makes me feel actual emotions instead of simply mirroring the character's feelings.

I like the glimpse into Lily's mind that Chapter 5 provides. It's admirable how self-sacrificing she is. She could leave Daniel and be happy without him, but then she'd have nowhere to live and her and Nicholas's quality of life would be worse. I happen to disagree with her declaration that she's a failure as a mother. She's giving up her own happiness so Nicholas has a place to live. I feel for her, I feel like she deserves to know that she's doing all right.

Chapter 6 is a true mark of how unhealthy Daniel and Lily's relationship has gotten. They don't have that compromise or that wiling give-and-take that a healthy relationship requires--it's almost like Daniel thinks that since Lily is taking from him by living there rent-free, he can take what he wants from her as will, which is sick.

I love Chapter 7. I love how the story suddenly takes a turn for the hopeful, but I also get the feeling that things aren't going to magically improve just because Clarice is offering to watch Nicholas. I feel like Daniel's not going to be too happy if/when Lily tells him she's leaving, and that maybe he won't allow her to leave.

Overall, I find this story very intriguing and engaging. The short chapters are addictive and leave the reader wanting more. Your writing style is efficient while still being descriptive enough to keep things interesting. I really enjoyed this. :)

The Benjamin Tapes, please. You don't have to read all of the chapters unless you want to--just Chapter One will do. Also, I'd really appreciate some hardcore con/crit, so feel free to tear it apart. Don't hold back.

Claimed. Finished.

Ice Queen.:

Story Review Game

Title, Summary, Layout
I like that the title has an old-fashioned feel to it that's almost a bit creepy, yet it doesn't make me think that the story is going to be set in the past. I'm already curious as to who this "Benjamin" is, and what significance s/he will have to the story.

The summary is very well-written, it gives the reader a basic idea of what the plot is - which summaries are of course supposed to do, but I've noticed there's a lack of properly written summaries for online stories. But yours reminds me of one that I could actually find on the back of a published book.

As for the layout, I've always been a fan of lacey backgrounds, and the vivid green contrasts with that old-fashioned creepiness that I mentioned in the title. But not in a bad way, really, it's more like a facade, that the town could appear like any normal small town to those who don't know anything about it's history or hauntings.

Chapter 1

Usually, when driving into a different state or city or county, they welcome you with a cheerful welcome sign.

My hometown, however, is a lot less friendly.

I love how you opened the story, and I'm intrigued already as to what the town could be like - aside from the hauntings, but also how the people, atmosphere, settings, etc. are. The first line seems a bit awkward at when driving into a different state or city or county, as if you tried to jam in all of the different places thet you're welcomed with signs. And I get why it would feel like you had to. It's minor, but something I noticed.

I like how Sara doesn't find the ghosts scary, but really just a nuisance. It's something that you don't see often in this type of story, but I really like the effect that it gives off when something that's annoying and the usual suddenly does become scary - or maybe not even scary, but sad, or just... deeper and more mysterious than anyone realized. At least that's the direction I see this story going in.

I've noticed Sara's personality blending in very smoothly with your writing style, which is always something that I love to see in stories. Another thing that I'm loving is the character that the town has. You've described the looks of it just enough so that the reader's imagination isn't restricted, by just describing a few specific places and the basics. I've got a distinct picture of it in my mind already, and I'm sure that everyone else who reads this has their own.

Abe's introduction had me smiling at the computer screen. At first I was under the impression that she was a boy, mostly because of her name, I'm sure, but I'm clear on the gender now.
I love the interatcion between Abe and Sara, it seems very natural, and like how teenagers actually talk. The dialouge all seems very natural and realistic, so great job on that.

Ah, that dreaded bedroom that you haven't seen in years. That hasn't been changed in years. That's something a lot of us could relate to, I think. I love the quirks you gave Penny, like how she names her cats, and her duaghter, after famous people, it makes her more realistic - and I admit that it made me giggle.

A lot of characters are introuced in a short time, I've noticed. They all seem to have distinct personalities so far, so it wasn't too difficult to follow, but every now and again I had to check back to where they were first introduced to make sure I was thinking about the right person. I thought the titanic names and jokes were hilarious, and so is Abe - although at times, I'm not going to lie, her sarcasm seemed a bit overwhelming. It was still entertaining, I just thought it was a bit unrealistic how she almost always had something witty to say off the top of her head. Spaced out a bit more, I'd love it, though.

And at the ending, we finally have the mysterious tapes! You didn't drag out how long it took to get to them, but it didn't feel like it came too soon either. The sudden storm was a bit cliche'd, I thought. Or maybe not even cliche'd, but sudden. I think that effect was mostly because of no mentioning of rain or cloudy skies beforehand. I like how the "flicker of warning" tied in with the storm, and it ended the chapter on a dark but intriguing note.

Overall, I love your writing style, and I'm really liking this story so far. I definitely want going to read farther into it.

Dream's End, please.

Ignore.

^ Claimed.

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Review

Layout: It’s simple, but just missing plain with the extravagant banner. The banner sort of appeals to the reader, and the solid background really brings it out. Nicely done. I’m not sure if I like the olive green title or not, it sort of mixes well with the hint of green in the right corner of the banner, but kind of doesn’t. Either way, it’s a pretty banner, the layout is nice, nothing that takes away from the story but it’s pretty nonetheless.

Summary: It's really, really powerful. I was certainly not expecting that at all, mostly just from the tone that the layout sets, I thought this would be a cute one-shot. I was definitely wrong. It really opens up for a wonderful story, nothing like I’ve ever read before. The only thing that slightly bugs me would be “prickling stake”, merely because when I think of prickling I think of like a pine tree sort of deal. Maybe something that’s similar to it being rough? Like, harsh on her skin but not really prickling? That could just be me, however.

but I have no tongue.

I adore that.

Chapter: I feel like the first line should be two different sentences. That, or maybe “as he lit the match” or “when he lit the match” or something along those lines.

I can remember the taste of the metal of the blade that they used to slash my tongue.

You use of the twice, and it sounds a little off. Maybe you can say the metallic blade? It would flow better, I think.

They held my jaw open and sliced it right across, and they stomped it into the ground.

You use and twice, it sounds a tad strange. Maybe stomping it into the ground instead?

I screamed, the only sound I could make, and the blood came running out, dripping down my chin and my neck and onto that tattered white dress.

I think you should end the sentence after it came running out. Then say “It dripped” and continue further. It sounds a tad like a run-on. Otherwise, I think the imagery is wonderful. It really paints a vivid image in my mind without delving too deep and leaving me confused.

beads of blood are melting
This confused me. I understand that maybe it’s poetic, and sounds nice, but barely makes any sense. How could they melt? I mean, I understand the dripping part, but not the melting. Even with the fire to near, it’s already a liquid, so it wouldn’t… melt.

I adore the ending so much. Words cannot describe how fantastic I think it is, from the “reverie in meadows” to how she sings like a bird would, however can’t fly away and gets burned instead. I adore your wording choice as well "birdsongs". Like the summary, it’s really powerful. It kind of creates an innocent aura, therefore leading me to empathize greatly for her. I also like how it includes a touch of history as well, as they did burn random girls who they believed to be witches. It tells the story of how these girls were so hopeless, how they really couldn’t do anything.

The last words sum it up perfectly.

Overall it’s fantastically done. A tad short, but that definitely doesn’t take away from the impact that the story leaves.

Watch It Burn

^
Just to remind you:

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Directions

• First, you must review the story of the user who posted above you.
• Make a post claiming that user's story
• Review their story
• Post your critique as a comment on their story, and edit your post in this thread with your review as well.
• After reviewing the other user's story within two hours you may post a link to your story.

[This is just a reminder, I'm not claiming.]

joe kerr.:

Layout: The banner image is really gorgeous and it matches the story's title and plot, which is a plus. I really like just how simple your story layout is, so easy to the eye and sets the mood for the story to come.

Title: Interesting and related to the plot, so, perfect. At first, it reminded me of a quote from Alfred in The Dark Knight, ”Some men just want to watch the world burn.”, so I immediately clicked on it to see what was it about. Though it definitely was not Batman related, it did not dissapoint me at all.

Summary: I love how short it is, yet it pretty much conveys the story's plot in such a simple and appealing format.

Content:
Okay, I read and re-read the story to first kill off any grammar mistake or awkward sounding sentence, but I found absolutely nothing, so let me continue with what precisely makes this story absolutely brilliant and awe-striking.

Narration: It's very rare to stumble across a story in third-person narration that is set in the present-tense. Usually, the ones written in present tense, tend to be first-person narrations. So, basically, I loved the whole narration of your story.

The very beginning is interesting, hooking the reader up. Second paragraph, just incredible; let me elaborate, the way you introduced the character is just mind-blowing. Normally, in stories, we're thrown into either the immediate drama or peak point of the character's story, or into a peculiar day for the character, but it is very rare to stumble across a story that starts off with routine.

Descriptions: Your descriptions are so brilliant and so abundant that makes it really easy for the reader to picture absolutely everything, yet, they're not cluttered or messy looking, and you focus only on the main things that catches the character's eyes, thus giving some sort of first-person perspective without changing the narration style. It's all so amazingly incorporated.

The flow between descriptions, actions, dialogue, and train of thought of the characters is gorgeous. I like how said things are not over-flowery and completely irrelevant to the plot in general.

Characters and their interaction (dialogue): Both of your characters are so peculiar in their own separate ways, so, by putting them together, you absolutely made a brilliant interaction between such eccentric beings.

Spencer, he's just... wow. He obviously has attention for detail and some sort of obsessive-compulsive mind, due to how exact he runs along the clock and how much of a routine this has become for him. Also, I loved how you made him refuse to believe that smoking was an addiction, how it was a hobby for him, that and contemplate the city.

The nameless boy, holly mother fucker, he's such a complex and interesting character. His lack of sympathy towards the city below, his complete desire to watch everything fall apart, his sort of antisocial personality that makes you want to fear him, yet you stare at him in utter curiosity, everything of him was just so brilliantly written. He has so much depth, and it's obvious that he led the conversation.

I simply adored how you took Spencer's normal daily routine and turned it into this chaotic encounter between two different minds. Spencer is obviously un-preoccupied by the world outside his little piece of peace and quiet, not ignorant, but just uncaring. His life seems to revolve around him and his hobby, nothing else. Then, we have this other side of the spectrum, this nameless character that sees all the bad, that's not fooled by the peace and quiet of the rooftop, who simply wants to destroy something that not only concerns him, but the whole city in general.

The dialogue was brilliantly set, how this nameless boy led the whole conversation, without expecting for much of an answer, despite his pauses. He knows what he feels and he says it out loud.

“If I was going to set it on fire, people would die. The people die, the city dies, everything goes up in flames. But the city doesn’t need my help. With every murderer, with every rapist, with every suicide, with every fucking corruption the city dies a little more each time. Why, it doesn’t need me, because each person that walks those streets leaves a trial of fire in their place, fire that’s burning away at the city.”
Sorry for quoting such a big chunk, but this is just my favorite piece of dialogue. He expressed everything so eloquently, yet, he quite frightened me, because he destroyed Spencer's peace and quiet, because he showed him that the world below them is slowly dying and there's nothing they can do about it.

I just can't express correctly how this story met me feel. It was a roller-coaster of emotions. At first, there was this sort of peace floating around, then the utter confusion and disbelief, caused by Spencer finding out that his routine had been broken by a stranger; finally, that sort of hopeless feeling that this nameless character gave the reader with such a harsh realization.

Overall: I will repeat it again... It's fucking brilliant. Your narration, characters, plot, dialogue, flow, descriptions, everything is absolutely gorgeous and gives the reader a wide variety of emotions, hooking you up more and more.

There's nothing bad to say about this, nothing to change or edit. It was such a marvelous and entertaining piece.

Please review Rebirth, chapter two, preferably. Just a small request, please, do not delve too much into grammar, I also want to know about the general aspects of the plot, character, narration, description, etc. But any grammar error that you spot, I'll immediately get to it and fix it.

Claim. --I'm going to be reviewing this while I'm at work, but sometimes I don't get internet connection so I might not be able to post it for a bit, but just know that I'm doing it.

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Story Review Game
Okay, so I'm going to review the entire thing actually, since I don't want to read chapter two and not have any clue what is going on. So I'll be doing the entire thing. :)

Title
This is the type of title I'd pick out, either for my own story or to read. I like simple titles, one that basically explain the entire book, or just give the book the atmosphere of 'oh, that's interesting'. So yay on your title. I also really like the word in general, it sounds so...mystical. If that makes any sense.

Layout
I like the photo. It's really beautiful photography, as well as the color manipulation. Also, the background color goes nicely with the photo. Lately, I've been using like vintage backgrounds and I think everyone should use them because they're so damn awesome. So there's my tidbit of information for you.

Summary
The summary is very captivating. I'm curious as to the plotline, let alone just what this is about. And who 'she' is and why she chose the main character, and everything. Question, isn't ground zero that like...religious place built after 9/11 in America?

Also, this sentence. I was her, she was me. I believe it should be, I was she, she was I.

Chapter One
That first paragraph is perfect. I love the odors you explain, I actually can smell cat urine, mainly because my dog peed all over my room the other day and it still smells like pee. But still, your descriptions really help capture that effect. You also give a great description of a crappy apartment/house.

I like the description of ghosts. I'm curious as to what type of story this will be, and also curious as to the genre of it. Like is it going to be scary? Romantic? What? I'm really digging the descriptive words you're using here though, it works really well with your writing style.

I like the sort of feeling of folklore the house gives off. How all the kids in the neighborhood are afraid of the house, and know about it and consider it haunted. It's like the thing to talk about. Like some kid will get dared to break in and stay the night there or something to that effect. The only thing I didn't like was the repetition of cat urine. I think it's good to use it once and then be done with it. Repeating it kind of makes the reader go, okay, can you think of any other bad smells?

Ooh! It is an actual kind of ghost story? That's awesome, and now I'm even more excited to read it. Oh, one thing though. and there's always should be and there are always.

>.< Creepy cat lady oiy. That's awesome. She's like the witch of the neighborhood, eh? The skeletal description reminds me of these mythical creatures I was just reading about. Baykoks, they're like made from North American folklore, and they're skeletons with translucent skin and red eyes. I totally pictured that while reading this description. Also, I have a feeling cats are going to be a major part of this? Or kind of the plot holder?

The house was inhabited by cats, mice, and cockroaches. I think it should be. Cats, mice, and cockroaches inhabited the house.

o.O That's messed up. About the cats starving and dying and what not. Ew. Imagine a house full of dead cats. Gross. Also, very unlike cats to give up mice. It's weird, like she rubs off on them.


She would only eat whatever she could find in the garbage containers of her neighbors, aside from the stolen food that she managed to snatch whenever the perfect neighbors left their perfect homes. One of the things that she mostly liked were the oranges she stole from the orange tree; she could eat them all the week if it wasn't for a pain in her lower abdomen that reminded her to cut on her addiction. “We've gotta die of something.” So she never actually quit, thus barely surviving, yet still alive. All those things were the things that kept her alive.

Those were also the things that could possibly kill her. Kidney stones, anorexia, anemia, and a growing cancer. She knew very well that if she didn't start struggling to survive, she would soon die. She knew the symptoms, knew the pains, knew the chances to keep on living, but she ignored all those single details, for those were the things that reminded her that she was alive.

So she kept on urinating the citric acid, and the pain was burning her, and perhaps next time there was going to be blood mixed in those smells that plagued the house, but she wouldn't stop. Then her stomach would keep protesting day after day, night after night, and her intestines would eat each other, and the emptiness would never be filled, but she didn't care. Finally, the carcinogens would get into her lungs at a steady pace, and she was sure one of those days she would end up coughing both lungs, but she just wouldn't quit. There's nothing to live for, except for the pain.


Those three paragraphs were beautiful. I couldn't stop reading them long enough to comment on each one, so I just figure, I'll post them all she knows the beauty of them, she doesn't need me to explain.

I'm picturing Helena Bonham Carter as this girl for some reason. I just totally have a modern day Mrs. Lovett stuck in my head. Also, as she lied peacefully against I feel like it should be as she lay peacefully against.

who will haunt her with pitchforks Frankenstein much?

then dispose of her as a napkin covered in semen and blood. I'm going to have babies with this sentence. It's so uncomfortable and terrible and gross. But it's so raw, and beautiful at the same time.

This story is so sad and just morbid.

in with water and moist moist what?

I love the repetition of monotony. It just shows how much she hates pretty much all that is life. It's so...just, yes. I was going to say something else, but I totally blanked.

sun shun but clouds lingered do you mean sun shown? Or...sun shunned? I don't know what you're trying to say here.



That day was the same day she had been living since she was born, but there was a slight difference. That day she got out of home, left the doors unlocked, the cats unfed, the mice and cockroaches running the house. She walked a mile or two before her feet gave up, looked for a bus, got in it, eaten by a mechanical monster that lived out of diesel, money, and people. She reached the city, the skyscrapers, the monotonous people dressed in black and white, pawns on somebody's chess game, walking up and down the street, unconcerned by the mirror images they could see of themselves in the other pawns that infested that city.

I totally pictured like a twenties movie for this. It was so...just monotone that I couldn't help picture the old days type movies. very cool.

This girl is so damn depressing. I almost want to smack her and shake her out of her stupor. I also love the repetition of 'cat's dying, mice multiplying, cockroaches tripling." Love that.

Okay, exquisite chapter one. Great beginning. I don't want to repeat myself a bunch so I won't. And I'll just let you know how wonderful this chapter is, one of the best I've read on mibba to be honest.

Chapter Two

Firstly, I love how you describe cars as metallic monsters. And I'm really loving this whole suicide notion. I know she won't go through with it, or at least I hope she won't but really, it's wonderful the way you're describing it.

I love how she's kind of this crazy lady with all this wisdom that makes no sense unless you really dig deep. But the only thing she can give her wisdom to is the cats, which is sad in a sense. Actually, not in a sense, it's just sad.

One thing I notice, you use the word dissipate a lot. I feel like it's kind of losing it's effect. Maybe switch it up?

She entered the giant concrete monster, which grinned devilishly as it tasted the dirt on her feet. I'm not positive why, but I love this sentence. It's so malignant and poetic and I'm just like UGH.

I really like how it's monsters. Not cars, but then when you do say cars I think it kind of takes away the childish perspective of this woman. This woman who obviously is so mentally messed up that she refers to everything as 'monster'.

and they were making music. holy fuck balls that's messed up. The crash impact was probably one of the most beautifully written scenes in this entire story. I love the majority of it, but this scene did it for me. It's perfection.


People gathered around, like mice and cockroaches gathering at the smell of rotten cat meat.
Love this line and how it relates back basically the first chapter and all that it really talks about is dying cats and what not.

This girl is just so damn messed up I don't even know what to say about her. I'm so curious as to how you're going to finish this story, how you're going to portray her with other people and just with everything. I will not lie, I've never been this awestruck by a story on mibba before.

I think this might be one of the best stories I've read on here. :)

The Duende, please. :) There's six chapters but all are very short. If you'd like to review them all that'd be awesome, but just do however many you'd like. :)

^^ Which story would you like reviewed? (:

Okay, so I'll begin with the layout. It's very simple and that's actually what I like about it. Not too complicated or flashy,simple and elegant. (:

Prologue

Now I titled this 'first chapter' a prologue because I think that's what you meant it to be...? I think it served its purpose well. It gave us beautiful description.

''Not shocks of blue or white anywhere; all grey, all deadly tufts of clouds. The grass beneath me was stiff with death''

^^ Example of what I mean by great description. You didn't use too complicated words, it was simple and created great imagery with the metaphor of 'stiff with death'. It gives quite a foreboding atmosphere which I believe was your intention, and you did it well. The second paragraph though kind of confused me because of this:

''The thick poignant liquid seeping from several patches of my flesh burned.''

I didn't quite understand that part, it didn't make much sense to me. But I understand that this person is probably dying.:O Which is pretty scary, and that relates to the weather (dark clouds and grass stiff as death).

Chapter one

I like how immediately after the prologue things seem to be so everyday with Harper and the main character. The way they're so comfortable with each other is cute.

''I don’t drink…wine.”

I couldn’t help the gurgled chuckle that erupted from my throat. Harper glanced down at me with a raised eyebrow, but I couldn’t be bothered to explain myself.''

That part is a small part in the whole chapter that pretty much sums up their relationship, doesn't it? The way she feels free to laugh a ''gurgled chuckle'' in front of Harper, and then not be bothered to explain herself. That shows how close they are as friends, I thought that was done smartly.

''Something happened then. An explosion. A blue explosion. Then I slept.''

^^ That last line right there. That was great. It makes the reader want to read the next chapter and find out what the hell is going on exactly. A blue explosion. That's quite interesting... I'm curious now.

Chapter two

Aaah, I really liked this chapter, more than the first. Again, the description of the place wasn't too detailed so it wasn't boring, but it was just enough. This feels like a dream, this chapter. Is it? I don't know XD

''One-step forward, another and another. Then the whispering started. Voices from centuries ago, voices from centuries ahead filtered through my eardrums. They melted my brain, made it ooze from my eyes.''

Ooohh now this was nice. I could sort of imagine this whole chapter taking place in slow-motion, I don't really know why xD Maybe that's just me. But the blood dripping down and the ice and smoke... I could just picture it being really dramatic and slow-motion like. If that was your intention, then you didn't pretty well I must say. xD I love the whispers she heard in her head, whispers from centuries ago and ahead. That was an original idea and kudos to you for that!

Now I will admit that I don't really fully understand what's going on here but I have a feeling that that's okay. Because I like mystery and you portrayed it well here. With the warrior and the mirror... it was interesting. And I read your author's note and really I have no idea who the warrior or. xD Is it Harper? I don't know. Mystery again. Love it.

Chapter three

Aah, so it was a dream! xD There was just one thing that stuck out as I read the beginning of this chapter, and that's the part that says ''Sweat freckled my forehead''. I'm not sure that's quite correct, I think it's more like... maybe you could say ''sweat trickled down my forehead'' or something along those lines. Anyway! That's just a side note. ;p

'' felt as though I had just woken from a bad hangover. Any minute I would crash to the ground beneath me and drown in my own vomit.''

Ooh, that's some nasty imagery! ...And I like it. xD I don't like it when authors hold back because they think the imagery might be too 'graphic', because then it doesn't make it that realistic. Here you managed to make it sound pretty real. You said in your author's note that first person is not your forte and that it always turns out to be comedic, but I don't think it is! In this chapter or the previous ones, I didn't find your writing to be comedic. But I do agree that you're much better at description that at every-day first person things, and that's something I can really relate to. I much prefer writing description and scenery rather than first person stuff. I feel your pain. xD But you shouldn't be too hard on yourself because you're not as bad as you think you are!

Now I don't really have time to review the next few chapters but from what I've read it seems like a story with a lot of potential. Nicely done.
(:

----

Could you review I Never for me please? Thanks (:

Claimed. Finished!

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STORY REVIEW GAME:

I will start with the layout. I love it. The colors encompass all of the places and senses you mentioned in the body of the story and gives it that dreamy feel that carries through the whole piece.
Within the first couple lines, I thought I knew what this was about. I expected it to be a piece about the harshness, that I so sympathize with, of summer with lines like:

“That fiery ball of glowing hope, melting on my skin, telling me that it's okay, at least for the moment. Such a lie.”
And for awhile the piece allowed me to believe that was the idea, but then it started turning.

“I should run, to the sea, isn't it graceful? I've never seen Grace be so restless, tossing and turning waves, so aggressive. Grace is peaceful, and loving. Isn't it?”
I love the contracdiction here. Throughout the whole piece, there is this kind of thing where the speaker says what is usually said and then justifies it with the truth. Ex. What is usually said “isn’t is graceful?” Truth: “so restless, tossing and turning waves, so agressive.” This battle between the normal and the dream world spectacles is quite interesting.

I do enjoy the turns but I wish they were a little more fluid. Not so cut and paste, oh! Suddenly I’m somewhere else! thing.

For example: “and she cackles loudly with her evil tongue and now it forks down, the lightning forks down and blinds me. Malicious waves toss me over and throw me down into the dark blue mercilessly.”
I didn’t like the whole transition from a witch metaphor to an ocean metaphor. A little too quick for me.

But you won me back with this line: “I never cleansed my anger in your waters like all the others. I never, I never.”
Love that.

Another phrase that was beyond wonderful was: ”dark beaded sheet of black.”
I immediately got the image in my head for that. That was a completely different way to say starry sky and it was a much appreciated, clever way to say it.

Another thing I would try to stay away from is something like this line, ” ocean of sand.”
I only say that because it’s kind of awkward to cite an ocean when you are right next to one.

But again! You totally got my heart going again with the way you capitalized ”Nothing” WOW! That just made my heart meltmeltmelt into a big cheesy pile of loveness.

I really enjoyed this part too. ”The stars rearrange themselves to show me something. Something I've never seen before, something I never meant to see but here it is now, right above me. And I close my eyes and the stars are brighter than ever, burning onto the inside of my eyelids.“
I am not quite sure what I love about it but it really captures me and makes me live inside this piece.

Another notable quote: ” I'm shivering in the middle of the deceivingly warm atmosphere.”
I love the use of the word deceivingly. The atmosphere, of all things, is deceiving the speaker. That personification just great.

When I read this line: ”Out into everything again. Into the sun, into the sea, and the ocean of sand, and the Broken Forest. Again. I am here.”
I felt that frustration cause I myself as a reader didn’t want to go through that whole cycle again. Not sure if you meant to do that, but it works for you.

I didn’t enjoy this though: ” I am on the hot sun but in the relentless, rough sea at the same time with the thunder breaking my eardrums and lightning making me blind and now I can see all that sand and the tall trees are still here, above me, sucking the life out of me, and no, no, no! I have to get out of here. I have to –“
As the frustrated reader from above, I didn’t like all of these places coming back at once. I understand it was kind of the dream sequence idea, but I just didn’t care for all of that overstimulation.

But alas, it ends with a good moral: ” And now it seems that things aren't as bad as I thought; not bad at all.”

I love that it ended like that.

All in all, I really did enjoy this. It had a really really refreshing tone to it. Thank you for sharing!

Please read The Innocent Relaspe. I know it's long but you only have to read a couple of the first, short chapters or one of the longer, later ones. (but you can read the whole thing if you REALLY want! haha.) Thanks in advance.

Claimed.

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Story Review Game

Title.
You've spelled Relapse wrong. I do like the title, though since it's misspelled I wouldn't pick it should I see it on the story overview page. That's like the worst mistake you can make, misspelling your title. Automatically, that would give it the oh, this is probably going to have a crap load spelling errors, so I'm not going to read it.

Layout
I'm not a fan of it. Mainly because I dislike the banner, the wide image is distracting, and not blended well not to mention the font on it is sloppy. Normally, I use blunt colors, or I used to before I discovered background from photobucket. But the black story area with the grey large font isn't really what I'd want for my own story, or just to read. I find it difficult to read actually, the dark grey is too dark and doesn't mesh nicely with the black background. And the big font makes me feel like I'm reading a book for children.

Summary
I like the word choice you use here. It's very interesting, although a bunch of the sentences towards the ending are really uncomfortable to read, not because of the sentences themselves, but just because of how they're formatted. . I watched so, so many of them I don't think two so's are necessary here. Just I watched so many of them

ones that clang to my windpipe clang just sounds awkward, so I would put clung instead. That sounds so much better than clang, I don't even think clang works in that context, I think clang is just a noise.

The ones that made me wonder, still, if 'those' feelings were real." The wording of this sentence was just kind of off for me. It reads awkwardly, so maybe change some things around?

Chapter One
This chapter was very sweet. I have no corrections or really any thing to complain about. I found it very sweet, and I could sense the brotherly love that this person could feel. By the way, is your main character a boy or a girl?

Chapter Two
oh boy...I'm starting to have a bad feeling about this story. The writing is good, don't get me wrong but if the plot is heading where I think it's heading, I'm just...yeah no. Okay, to the writing itself, since that's what I'm supposed to be reviewing. I've definitely got the emotion you're trying to convey. The uncertainty, the confusion. It's all very well-written, but like I said, I have a thought or two on where this is heading and I don't like it.

Chapter Three
I liked this chapter. I like the basic kiddie actions and the whole playfulness between the two. I also love the last line. how 'this' wasn't okay. This being what I'm pretty sure the plotline of this story being. And I completely agree, this is so, so very wrong on so many levels.

Chapter Four
This chapter was terrible. Not terrible in your writing, god no. It was just so sad, Poor Anthony, I would love to know what it is they caught him doing, and why they had to 'fix' him. How horrifying that they did something like to the poor boy and it caused him to kill himself.

Overall
I know I didn't really say much about the story itself, but honestly there wasn't much that needed fixing aside for the odd comma here or there. But that was so rare that I didn't feel the need to fix it. The only real issues is the misspelling of the title, and the layout. But the story itself was beautifully written, although not very...professional. Not like that of a experienced author if that makes sense? But I feel with this type of setting and just type of story, it doesn't need to be like that. Otherwise it would just feel too stiff and there wouldn't be much emotion.

Very well done, I enjoyed what I read. XD

Please review Chapters four through five of The Duende

^ Claimed done!

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Story Review Game

I really like the layout for this; the pattern in the background isn't too overbearing, as it is in a lot of layouts, and the layout generally just has this mello type of feel to it. The banner is also stunning and fits well with the background.

Chapter Four

"The mattress shot straight across the limited space, and landed uncomfortably against the far wall. I winced away from the bed, and realized what Harper was looking for." I just think this is a little awkwardly phrased; I can't think of how to change it at the moment, but maybe you could play around with it. Also, the comma after limited space is unnecessary. I don't think that one can wince away from something, either; maybe change it to: "I winced and turned from the bed and realized what Harper was looking for." or something along those lines.

"Attached to the iron wrought bed frame was what..." was should be were.

Overall, this was a great chapter. There were very few errors and the battle scene was better than most and definitely better than what I could do. I appreciate that you took the time put what a baykok was in the author's note - this shows that you do research and do know what you're talking about.

Chapter Five

"The amounts of questions speeding through my brain were horrendous. The head ache those monsters wail gave me were only intensified, and I felt as if any minute blood would start pouring out of my ears." I would change amounts to amount, but I believe it works either way. Headache is one word, and instead of mosters wail, it should be monsters' wail.

"Harper wasn’t the type to hold back, especially for a girl." This is fine, but made me think, for a moment, that Harper was a girl. Maybe change it to "for the sake of a girl."?

This was a great chapter as well; there were, again, few errors and you have a nice writing style. I would prefer that the dialogue have more speech tags on them, just because at times it can get confusing as to who's saying what if there are a lot of people talking. There's really not much more that bothers me other than what I pointed out, so great job :)

Please read Kiss My Eyes and Lay Me to Sleep (there are only three chapters right now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd read or review all three, but you don't have to.)

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Story/Review game

I like the layout. It's simple and wonderful. I'm not sure if the definition of abuse is needed, but that's just because I have this thing about simple words being defined in a summary. (Also, I think this is fanfic but I don't know the person, so I'm reading this as OF.)

Chapter One:

First person is not my favorite narrative, but I like this. I like that it's inside a character's head and not a mundane 'i did this, then i did that, then he said this, then I felt that'. The thrust into the character's head immediately is amazing. The opening line pulled me directly in and that's why I decided to claim this story.

Small typo in the second sentence I think you mean to open with "it", not "I".

I like how we sort of get the feeling this is going to be abuse from the summary, but I sort of thought it was a "savior" fic, where the girl is getting rescued from abuse. It doesn't seem like it's going to be that now and I like it. I like her mentally, her head, how she doesn't seem to be a victim. (Granted, I'm only one paragraph in, but...)

The paragraph where she says she doesn't have a home gave me an ah-hah moment because statistically, it makes sense. It makes sense that she would fall into this trap having come from that.

About halfway through now and I want to say that I really do think I'm right that she doesn't sound like the wounded victim. She's angry, but sad, but in love. You write the conflict of emotions so well and so realistically and I think that's important because abuse is coupled with not knowing how you feel because there's so much to feel.

I think that was perfect for the introduction. I was kind of relieved when I saw the same sort of inner monologue didn't continue into chapter two because that would have been too much. This is a great way to open. We see so much without specifics and it really draws us in.

Chapter Two:

I like the backstory given with the foster parents. It gives a really good viewpoint about how she's passed around and not really understood and almost taken for granted. The part about not living out the grounding just hit me and I'm not certain why.

I like the casual slip in of the location without going into detail. It's just nice that it's not specifically said "I live in _______". It's hard to do things casually with first person, but I think you have a really great mastery of this narrative.

I'm not sure if you meant to give her a stutter or not, but I love it. I love her nervousness. It adds another dimension to her, to her "brokeness", so to speak.

Chapter Three:

Our introduction to Garret was almost nice. He seemed nice. Which is how they always seem at first. I like how she says she followed him like a puppy because it ties back in to the abuse.

I really don't have a lot to say about this chapter. I liked it a lot, but it was an intro chapter and now I just want to know what happens next. I think the introduction of him was great and the hesitance of John to say exactly why he wants her to stay away from him is really realistic. (John Oh. So is this a The Maine fic, then?)

I just want to see more.

Overall, this is great. I think you do a great job with the first person narration, which isn't exactly an easy narrative to pull off. Layout-wise, I might suggest adding a little more spacing between the lines because when it gets into a really long paragraph in can be a little difficult to read, but that's all I've got.

Great job.

Please read Marked. It is an abusefic and rape is discussed in it, just to warn you.

Done!

story review game

title:
I think this is a nice and simple title, blunt and mysterious. You mentioned it was an abuse-fic and I think the title fits really well with the story.

layout:
The banner is lovely, but I wished it wasn't bigger than the story content box. But that's just me. Other than that, the color scheme was nice, and the font is readable.

Chapter One:
I really liked how you opened this chapter up, and the style of writing you use in here goes together. The sentences feel a bit choppy sometimes, but not in an awkward way, rather more like it's supposed to be like that.

After the page-break, the style of writing changes a bit. I'm not sure if you did that purposefully, but the story started out in present tense, and after the page-break it was past tense. However, the sentence structures really flowed together well, and I the dialogue seems realistic. Also, I liked how you describe Ryan's character without flat-out writing it down. You learn more about his character through the dialogue.

The setting and plot seems realistic, and it's not just like the other abuse-fics out there. It's realistic to me, because in an abusive relationship, it's not like everyone can just get out of it. It's heartbreaking that he still loves Chris, even after what he did/does to him, but it makes it more realistic. I think your writing really connects with the readers, because right now I feel like crying for Ryan! I just want him to stay strong! So far, I'm really liking this! I really liked how you didn't put too much detail into everything with Chris, because then it would have taken away the effect of everything, the emotions, and possibly over-done it.

There was a little typo in this line, “Now are you gong to roll it or not?” you forgot to put the “i” in “going”

Over all
I really like the time and effort you put into this, it wasn't rushed, and the pace was nice. I like how descriptive you are, The characters aren't just one-dimensional, I like how you added character to them. I'm not really a fan of Panic! At the Disco, but I really felt bad for Ryan. He's going through a lot, and maybe he's in shock, or maybe he's hurting but keeping it all inside, and he didn't break down until the end. . Brendon was so sweet, but so hurt and helpless as well.

One of the other things I like about this is how it wasn't another cliché story. There's no saviour, no matter how much Brendon wants to save him. I'm not really sure if he ever got over it, but there's a chance he can do it on his own. I think this piece was set up nicely and there weren't any other grammatical errors other than that typo I pointed out earlier. I'm really glad I reviewed this, because this isn't something I'd normally read, but when I did, I got pretty hooked (: I'm afraid this review doesn't do this story any justice, because it's just so great! Plus, I'm pretty rusty, I haven't done any reviews in a while. But I really liked this, and you're a really talented writer.

I'd really like it if you could review all three chapters of our song

Alright, so first of all the layout is nice, matching just enough, easy of the eyes, and a reasonable width. The one little thing I noticed was that your title and chapter are under the banner in tiny font. If you just change their colour to white, no one will be able to see them.

I'm usually not one for short summaries, but I liked this one, just because you obviously know how to draw people in, wondering why it isn't that simple.

Mmkay, on to the writing.

Prologue

I really liked the original idea of the first paragraph, but only the first and...fourth sentences in it really followed it. I think the rest were a bit too informal. You start off sounding...omnipotent, and then change to sounding like a friend explaining an idea to another friend. The question, for example. It just didn't work for me.
And it keeps going like that for the rest of the introduction. Sometimes formal, sometimes not. Sometimes all-knowing narrator, sometimes not.

Chapter 1

The start of the chapter was very well done. The words were enough to pull you in right away, make you aware that you were being thrown intro Jin's story right in the middle of something. His personality, though perhaps a tad overdone on the scornfulness, is well done and you made him easy to know right from the beginning. His relationship with Max, too, is unique and interesting, and I admire the way you were able to create a relationship like that without having it be the main one. Few people are good at that on here. Your introduction to Mimi was good, too, although I'm not really a fan of predictable stories when the characters always protest the inevitable...Ah well. Your transitions from thought to reality, like when he's explaining about Sarah, is very good, and honestly you're starting to give me the illusion I'm reading a published book. XD Your writing is fantastic. I only hope you can manage to hold Jin's character in palce as the story progresses.

Chapter Two

I like that you switched perspectives, it adds another dimension to the story. It seemed like you tried a little too hard to make sure the readers knew that something had happened to make her how she was. Or maybe you just said it a bit too early in the chapter/story. Whatever the case, it didn't really fit for me.

Not really important, but in the paragraph that starts with "It didn't take a genius..." You said the name "Gwen" about five too many times. XD

The relationship between Gwen and Mimi (And Gwen's character in general) is portrayed just as skillfully as Max and Jin's was.

Ahh, okay, to be honest I don't have any critisism for the middle of the chapter, I got so wrapped up in it and forgot I was supposed to be reviewing. xD But take that as a good thing, please. It's very rare for me to do that on here.

"Mimi had already been accepted to the University of Chicago, but and she'd even gotten the okay from Dartmouth University"
^ Typo?

And since I'm reviewing everything, I might as well mention that it doesn't make me want to comment more when a reader is trying to make everyone comment like that. It just makes me think they're desperate. No one should need something like comments just to write. D:

Please review Ink and Shading. It should be really easy, since I haven't put a full chapter up yet, just the prologue. :D