Comment the Summary

  • Americana

    Americana (100)

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    Wow, that's so creative! I really liked it (especially because it's my kind of topic). The way you listed the names of known fallen superheroes - i.e. Superman, Ironman - was cool and informative, and added intrigue. It actually really drew me in, the way that you laid it out (especially with the picture to set the mood), and that doesn't happen often. The only thing I could possibly comment upon is that 'masks' could be with a capital letter, you know? To add impact? And just that maybe shorter sentences could be used in only a couple places. Like, "Superman - Missing in Action. Kidnapped and tortured by Lex Luthor and Zod, now presumed to be a broken shell of a man.". Kind of military/organized band of rebels type thing. (If that makes any sense at all)

    Otherwise, amazing. Genuinely.

    I See You
    October 12th, 2011 at 08:55pm
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    ^ Story does not exist? Unsure

    Shattered Postcards
    October 22nd, 2011 at 04:26am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    I really like it! It's not very long yet it still manages to give the reader a brief synopsis on what happened before the story and the lead up to the attention. You also manage to pique the reader's interest on what will happen to Jacey in NYC and the sort of ghosts that are catching up with her.

    Chance Encounter
    October 22nd, 2011 at 02:02pm
  • Americana

    Americana (100)

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    Sorry, TheRibbonOnMyWrist, I literally just deleted it. Here's another:

    Rebel Without A Cause
    October 24th, 2011 at 12:27pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    ^

    Since someone commented without commenting on my summary, I do want my comment.
    October 25th, 2011 at 10:37am
  • Americana

    Americana (100)

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    the power of justice:
    ^

    Since someone commented without commenting on my summary, I do want my comment.
    My summary never got commented upon either. How about you comment on mine and I'll comment on yours? No need for panic.
    October 25th, 2011 at 02:35pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    ^

    I wasn't panicking, I was just pointing it out since you commented without commenting on my summary. Why don't you just inbox her or something instead...? Just explain the situation to her.
    October 26th, 2011 at 11:43am
  • Americana

    Americana (100)

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    OK, to avoid cluttering up the thread, I've sent her a message. If you repost your story link somebody should comment on it. Good luck.
    October 28th, 2011 at 02:52am
  • Wednesday Way!

    Wednesday Way! (100)

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    So I'm not sure what's going in this thread at the moment, but...

    The Adventures of Michael the Bear Shifty
    October 31st, 2011 at 03:59pm
  • youth and whiskey.

    youth and whiskey. (415)

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    Oh my goodness, this seems so cute! It reminds me of a more in depth, serious version of Toy Story. I like that the bear is like a guard over the little girl. It's so cute, seriously. You tell just enough background information to interest the reader and get them excited. I'm glad that this is your NaNo story, which means that you will soon be posting this! The layout is absolutely adorable as well. I just feel so fuzzy inside looking at this. Oh! It also reminds me of the books about the little bear named Corduroy. I loved those books so I'm sure I'll love this!

    Eighteen
    November 23rd, 2011 at 10:48pm
  • Damn Devon

    Damn Devon (100)

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    ^claim!

    The description to this story was absolutely amazing. It was heart wrenching even. I think if you started writing this, I would definitely be hooked on it. It may come off as kinda creepy and perverted but in the end it's probably not. I kind of feel bad for the person who's telling the story. It's just forbidden love and each and everyone of us has dealt with a similar situation. Am I right?

    Well, like i stated, earlier...you should really start to write this! You would get amazing feed back! :D

    As I said, my darling.
    November 27th, 2011 at 07:14am
  • ocarina.

    ocarina. (100)

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    claimed! :3

    "Starving for a part in a movie, travels..." There should be a "she" somewhere in there otherwise it doesn't make any sense. I think it's good in the sense that it gives the reader a sense of what the story is about but it seems a little bland to me, it doesn't really capture my attention and makes the story predictable. "I go to Canada and then meet attractive co-star and then we start to date happily ever after", I think you should give a little more hint to the conflict that will make the reader want to read and maybe add a little emotion or voice in the summary. As it stands, I read it a little monotone.

    It's good but not wonderful. c:

    The God Forsaken Ones
    November 28th, 2011 at 03:35am
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    Okay, your first sentence literally made me laugh out loud. Cheeseburgers lmfao Great ending. “Her most major problem…” This reads a little awkward. I would take out the “most”. I love the adjectives you use in the second paragraph. Not only did that give me a clear picture, but the soft description is kind of jarring. My eyes got wide and I went “whoa, what?” and had to go back and read it a second time tehe

    “It seems that's not the biggest shock as she is immediately thrust into the world her dad had kept secret for so long, a world hidden in the shadows of the reality we like to believe is true.” I like this, but it’s a comma splice. Put a comma between “shock” and “as” and a dash after “long”. I think the dash makes it a little more striking, which seems to be what you’re going for with this story. I might also make the last sentence a paragraph of its own for the same reason.

    Nyam This has a lot of potential. I really like your writing style.
    Shattered Postcards

    I'm debating adding the first section of my first chapter to the summary, because it sort of is a speech of things to come, but I'm not sure if that's too repetitive since that's the first thing you're going to read when you click on chapter one Think
    November 28th, 2011 at 04:35am
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    double post
    November 28th, 2011 at 04:50am
  • robbsdead

    robbsdead (100)

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    It seems quite interesting, it's just that some of the words are too complex, and people who wouldn't know what they meant would have to keep checking the dictionary. Which, in a way, is good because they're learning new words but I think you should make some of the words a little simpler. If I were to give it a rating out of ten, it would be nine.

    Abnormal Love
    December 4th, 2011 at 04:15pm
  • swell

    swell (150)

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    I like the idea of a poem opening up a story, I like trying to figure out the message and overall idea behind the story and its characters. The first sentence tells me it's a slash - although that's quite evident from the picture. From what I can guess, it's about a guy who is in love with another, but the loved one is maybe commit-ophobic or something? Like he's into the guy but then one day he isn't and then he is again?
    Overall the poem makes me want to read the story, but while it's easy to guess what the story could be about, personally I prefer something written to get a better feel for the story. Either way the poem is fine and it entices me to read it :)

    Crooked please :)
    December 10th, 2011 at 07:11am
  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

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    I like this summary for a number of reasons :) First off, I don’t even have to know the person you’re writing about in order to enjoy it, and with the way it sounds, I wouldn’t even have to know who it is in order to read the actual story, so well done! I also like the way you tied in the story title with the description of his ‘crooked teeth’ – I’m not sure if that was on purpose or not, but it was cleverly done.

    I’m curious as to who your narrator is and how they’re connected with Niall, how they know him, why they have this love/hate thing going on. I think the ambiguity of who is speaking makes this an intriguing summary. Nicely done!
    Harrowdown Hill
    December 11th, 2011 at 09:02pm
  • ocarina.

    ocarina. (100)

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    Reading it, it definitely seems interesting enough, hehe. Far from boring which is really good. I like the golden boy secret, too, since no one's a total golden boy, hehe. And I like that the antagonist is called Lucifer, a befitting name for someone like him and it gives off a little foreshadowing which is interesting.

    A couple things bothered me, but they're pretty minimal. One, you introduce a lot of people in two paragraphs and it seems a little confusing, I'd say to take out the brothers because for the premise they don't really seem that important to get the gist of the story. Also, it seems more like at the end it will be through Adam's perspective because it's his life on the line, but you go more into detail about who Sam is like. I think if you're doing Sam, then you should connect him back again at the end or go more into Adam's life at the beginning to show that it's him who's the main character.

    Minimal things, but otherwise very interesting! :3

    The Secret of Marina Bailey
    December 12th, 2011 at 05:45am
  • skeletal.

    skeletal. (100)

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    I really felt drawn in by your first paragraph, especially at the phrase "the fate of the population isn't on my shoulders,". I really liked the style of the narration, it wasn't all punky, sarcastic so much as blunt and honest. I really loved the summary actually, the only thing I didn't like was how you formatted your list of secrets. I think it might be better as a paragraph or double spaced. And your last sentence was really strong and stuck in my mind.

    A Kiss for the Road
    (feel free to tell me it doesn't work at all. I really need to practice with this piece.)
    January 2nd, 2012 at 11:16pm
  • spacejunkie

    spacejunkie (100)

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    This comment is for the summary swap thread. I'm going to say a few words about your actual summary, and your layout, because what you've written is fairly short, and I feel like you should get your money's worth of feedback.

    Firstly, I like the layout. It's very clean and easy to read. I'm not personally a huge fan of .gifs, as I find them slightly distracting, but you've chosen a nice, simple animation that fits with the rest of the layout. I like the black and white sketches because they have a highschool feel about them, like something you might doodle in the back of a textbook, which is appropriate given the characters' ages. The colours in your background, story area and text work well together, but the wood texture seems a little out of place. I actually think it would be really neat if you could emulate the same colour scheme with lined notebook paper. Either that, or you could use something more symbolic of rugby, or the story's other themes.

    As for your actual summary, it appears to be short and sweet, as well as free from errors. I think it gives the reader a clear picture of what to expect. My one criticism is that I think you tell rather than show (or hint, given that this is a summary), and you don't really trick us to speculating on what might happen. Your sentence at the end, about the stunt, is slightly hook-like, but the rest of it is very matter-of-fact. I'd like a few more juicy details to drag me in. In short, I feel like you've told me what I will be reading, but not why I should read about it.

    This is a decent summary, but if you gave us some more hints about the upcoming conflict, or opened with a hook rather than with the meat of your infodump, I think it would be better.
    Could you please comment on The Macabre Tales of Young Edgar, and post it on the story comments page? The poem on the summary page is part of the actual summary, as I wrote it myself.
    January 6th, 2012 at 03:34am