Story Comment Swap

  • saint mungo.

    saint mungo. (150)

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    Quadropy
    August 30th, 2011 at 02:02am
  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

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    ~Okay.....what can I say but disturbing. You have this girl who has just gotten out of rehab who is more than likely going back in because you hinted towards it being her. Another word to describe this.....hooking. I really do want to know what happens next and the chapter was too short to leave me satisfied though. It felt like it was missing a small something, what that small something is I really don't know. I do like how you described this girl with nervous habits, it seemed like she could use a few more, maybe picking at herself or biting her nails? Food for thought. Anyway good job, keep writing, stay in school, all that jazz. And have a wonderful day.
    Hero High
    August 30th, 2011 at 02:20am
  • spliff

    spliff (100)

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    First of all, the whole superhero plotline and such really interests me. I'm a huge fan of things like this and such. It honestly kind of reminds me x-men (which is definitely a good thing). I really like the character Pixie. It gave the main character such an innocence to her that you couldn't help but feel bad for the poor girl at the doctors. Some of your wording is a bit awkward but that can easily be fixed by just a few touch ups here and there. And the first chapter was a bit short for my liking but that's not really a problem. Other than those two things, I really don't have any other constructive criticism. All I can say is good job dear.
    Elucidate
    August 31st, 2011 at 06:46am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    The layout is plain and simple but it’s nice. I feel as the colours don’t match though, the green is a bit random against the colours used. The title is very interesting; it’s not a word I hear very often.

    I really like how you started off the story with the words “thigh gap”. Right from the start, the reader can already tell that the narrator obviously struggles with self-image issues and that you just managed to show that in just two words is a pretty amazing start. I feel bad for Peyton but I like her inner thoughts, that she strives to be thin and that she wants her bones to be more prominent. I really like your use of descriptions and choice of words. Your imagery is detailed but not overly so, that it leaves the reader overwhelmed or so little, that it doesn’t make an impression on the reader. Yours was perfect, really. A great start to the story <3
    Dreaming with a Broken Heart
    August 31st, 2011 at 10:27am
  • youth and whiskey.

    youth and whiskey. (415)

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    ronnie radke.:
    Okay, I just read chapter nineteen. And I'm sorry, but I laughed so hard when Adrienne called Josh a freaky dorky weirdo with a lot of acne. Maybe I'm just a douche, but I just found that really funny. Anyway, this chapter made me sort of sad. I mean, Josh seemed like a nice guy and Trish seemed to be really interested in him until Adrienne opened her big fat mouth. I hate it when girls do that. I'm guilty of it myself - but still. I hate it. It's all about pride, though, and you displayed that perfectly in that chapter. I really just wanted to hug Josh. :( I hope within the following chapters that Trish gets some sense about her and apologizes to him, at least, but it'd be even better if she gave him another chance. :') Great update!! <3
    100 Ways to Become a Groupie (It's only a prologue for now, but it'll be a full length story, so don't report me. tehe)
    August 31st, 2011 at 02:18pm
  • life in film.

    life in film. (100)

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    This is a great start. The layout is absolutely stunning, and I love how you've written it. It sounds like a very personal story, like a true story. I imagine that it isn't, and you've given it a real feeling to it. It sounds realistic, and I enjoy the subject and the overall plot. It's something not many stories have been written about. I didn't spot any grammar or spelling errors, which is always nice.
    It's very raw, which adds a good feeling to the story. I enjoyed reading the prologue and I'm wondering what more you - or Candy, as the narrator - have got in store for the reader. You can very far with this.
    I love how you're going to take small stories of her life and put it together as a whole. This could easily be sold as a novel. Great job.
    Skinny Love
    August 31st, 2011 at 08:42pm
  • alexander bernadotte

    alexander bernadotte (125)

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    Alrighty then! First of all, the layout is so, so cute. Second, I love the little poem/summary that you have there. Just judging from the preliminary things, I can tell that I'm going to love this and I didn't even start reading yet! Anyways, moving on~

    Chapter 1: Aww, this is such a lovely start to a lovely story. I love how this other person makes the main character feel and how the first paragraph is dedicated to describing how they make them feel. So adorable <3 Your descriptions here are so dream-like, like everything is so perfect; and even how you describe these two people as very, very different - the main character as insecure and the other boy as perfect - but the same, somehow. My only con/crit, however, is that some of the spacing is a bit wonky. It wasn't too distracting, though; just wanted to make you aware. Oh, and I also love that this first part is true. All in all, I love this so much. <3

    Chapter 2: Omggggg, this is so illegally adorable. The way their relationship is played out is just so lovely. I won't lie, though; I totally thought that he was going to break up with her when she told him her real feelings. I was like, nooooo, not cool! D: But I'm glad that they got to see each other again! Anyways, I was totally shocked to find out that he wasn't her age, but the way you wrote this made it seem... not wrong, in a sense. I love how this ended, as there may be hope for those two after all. Even though this wasn't real, it seemed like it was. It's absolutely beautiful! <3

    Okay, so I love this. It's a shame that it's so short, but you pulled it off amazingly. I wish you the best of the luck with this contest and I hope you win. You deserve it. Amazing job! <3333
    Totenschädel
    August 31st, 2011 at 11:38pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    I’m up to chapter seven now :D Ahaha, the name of the chapter ‘die mission’ is totally ironic. I don’t know much German but I know enough to know it just means ‘the mission’ but in English, it sounds like someone’s gonna die on a mission which I probably would happen. I’m not sure if you intended it to be like that, but it’s very cool. :D

    Have I mentioned that I really like Klaus? I really like Klaus. I don’t know, there’s just something about his inner dialogue that stands out to me. Aww, his never-surrendering attitude is kinda sad, it’s sad to see that soldiers in those wars were brainwashed to always fight to the death and to never give up, no matter what. She was whiny and needy, wanting to know what he did every second. Maria was… not. Maria seems a little whiny to me, but don’t worry! It’s nothing to do with your superior writing skills; it’s just my interpretation of Maria. X] You know, this sentence was brilliant. …the aching chill that had already settled in his bones before winter ever settled its deathly blanket upon the forest. You’ve got excellent imagery going on there and I can just imagine it really vividly, a poor, straggling soldier wandering in a white forest. Ooh, I wonder if Klaus would run into Mac and Hans and the others :O I’m intrigued, update soon please! <3
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 1st, 2011 at 02:21pm
  • halcyon.dreams

    halcyon.dreams (100)

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    This is amazing. The prologue and how you tied in the next chapter gives me high hopes for the future of your story. Your style of writing is impeccable. I really enjoyed the amount of description you wrote about, and I really like the character narration of Caroline. She seems to be a very level-headed girl and complex yet interesting. I loved the feeling of youthfulness in the story too. But most of all I really loved the prologue. It grabs the attention of the reader immediately, and will definitely keep your current readers and subscribers faithful to your story. Can't wait to read more :)
    If You Give Up New York, I'll Give You Tennessee
    September 1st, 2011 at 11:39pm
  • rust cohle

    rust cohle (310)

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    I have to say that first, though this isn’t my cup of tea, it’s very well-written and you’ve obviously given this a lot of thought; I can see that from the characters, and the sheer number of chapters you’ve written, and the fact that this is a sequel. From reading the first chapter, I have to say that I love Olivia. I love how she stands out and I love the character you’ve given her. I also like Audrey, of course. I can see from the chapters I’ve read that she’s very strong-willed. And of course, there’s Caleb, who seems like a genuinely nice person, who isn’t going to ruin their relationship because he likes her. There are a few grammatical errors here and there but they’re absolutely tiny, just a comma out of place or a missing apostrophe, and they don’t deter from the narrative at all. All in all, this is a really nice story!
    zephyrus, please.
    September 2nd, 2011 at 01:34pm
  • fooleish

    fooleish (205)

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    This is... really interesting. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I don't really understand the context, but I looked up the Exogenesis Symphony after I finished reading and some things do make more sense now. I kind of like the nonsensical nature of this, though, and I I really like the way you've chosen to write this. The lines enclosed by musical notes are particularly effective, especially how ♪please mister bellamy. please mister bellamy sir.♪ seems to get louder as you go through the story, permeating the narrative and seeping into every thought he has like the symphony's getting more and more desperate for his attention. Also, the courtesy letters were kind of funny but also a little bit sad, like I can seriously see someone at the end of their tether sitting on the floor and telling it to stop being uncomfortable. May have even done it myself at one point, actually. tehe I love the use of brackets and slashes as well, especially he is conceited/stupid/ignorant/wrong, and the whole bit with the dip that's out of date, and the way Matthew has a comment for each one, even if they're not all true. Your dialogue was also pretty perfect, too, especially Matthew's not-question and him asking Dominic to stop the rain. Also, I'm not really sure why but I like that you use their full names and not nicknames. It seems to fit the story better this way, and I have no idea why but it works, so. This whole thing really works, though, in ways it probably shouldn't, because it doesn't make sense and it's sort of rambly and runs on sometimes, but that seems to echo Matt's feelings perfectly. I kind of wanted to hug him a whole lot by the end of this, which is an achievement on your part because I am really not Matthew Bellamy's biggest fan, but there you go. This was just kind of beautiful, honestly, in a sort of nonsensical, despairing way, and I really really liked it.
    Come Out of the Shade, please.
    September 2nd, 2011 at 03:18pm
  • life in film.

    life in film. (100)

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    I really love this. The characters are well thought off and realistic. I love your writing style and the way you used longer words and said that Evie liked those words. You matched the characters with the wording, which I've never seen before.

    This is the first femmeslash that I've ever read, to be honest, so I think it's nice that it's also your first one to write. I think you did a great job.

    Near the ending, I got a bit confused, though. You used ‘she’ and ‘her’ a lot but I couldn't make out of it which girl you were talking about. Maybe it was just me because I'm tired, but I thought I'd just tell you.

    I'm curious about how this will go further. This could easily be a two or three shot, since your chapters are so long, with so much information and a fast plotline.
    The layout and banner's beautiful, by the way.
    Edge of Heaven
    September 2nd, 2011 at 08:35pm
  • aubree james.

    aubree james. (300)

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    This story is written with so much character, it's amazing. I mean, they shoplift, have sex, and get drunk for fun, and they talk about it all the time. It gives the story such a realistic edge. To add to it the characters clearly talk with an accent, and their attitudes are strongly portrayed in their thoughts, movements and what the say. This is great because instead of giving me a paragraph spelling out exactly what each dude is like you're first of all showing be and second of all letting me figure it out.

    The chemistry between the four 'mates' is fantastic. It's great that they're all so comfortable around each other. It's it's also not over done, and it makes the story even more realistic.

    I think you have a bit of a spacing issue in chapter one, but aside from that this story is great from the layout to the words.
    Sweet, Sweet Royalty
    September 5th, 2011 at 01:58am
  • NotToTouchTheEarth.

    NotToTouchTheEarth. (100)

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    First of all, I love the concept of the story. A royal romance always makes for a good read. Beya reminds me of myself in the sense that she loves romance novels. But really, what girl doesn't? And I like how she's shy and insecure about how the people at the ball will judge her. It makes her very likable and easy to relate to, at least for me.
    There are a few grammatical errors that I noticed. For example:
    "Several balls occurred during the year, one of which being an annual ball hosted by the Kingdom Ceirule"
    And some sentences confused me a little bit. Such as this one:
    "his character seemed to be falling short of everything just about everything."
    Other than the few errors that I noticed, this was a very enjoyable read. I liked it a lot. Keep up the good work!
    Realms Of Bliss (Love Cannot Save You Part 2)
    Note: You do need to read Part 1 to really get a feel for and understanding of the story but obviously you don't have to if you don't want to.
    September 5th, 2011 at 03:32am
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    You know, I really like your summary. It gives the reader just enough information so they know what to expect from the story so they don’t wander in blindfolded, yet it’s not totally too much that it overwhelms the reader. In fact, you’ve created the perfect balance and it’s just right. I really liked the opening sentences, you’re wondering where Caroline is going to move to after leaving New York and you managed to capture Caroline’s family’s grief perfectly, I can just imagine (well, I can’t but your wonderful, eloquent descriptions allow me to imagine) how awful it must be to see you dear brother sent off to a war, to a war in Vietnam which many people opposed, and that he died there. :/ That must be terrible. You managed to capture the feeling of how many Americans (and people across the Western world) felt about the war back then and you managed to show how stoic and hard the soldier is about informing Caroline’s death, at how he’s remaining hard while she breaks down, inconsolably. Wonderful start to the story! <33
    Dreaming with a Broken Heart
    September 5th, 2011 at 09:33am
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

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    Gah it's been so long since I've read this but I'm definitely glad that I finally caught up to the chapters. Their lives, to me, or almost sort of glamour Gossip Girl-esque and I love Gossip Girl so yeah, aha.

    I really do sympathize for Addrienne, I like how even though she's definitely a lot more close minded than the rest of them and definitely has her flaws, she's not only put into this cut-out as the mean girl but actually has feelings and a perspective and a history. I seriously do feel so bad for her with her whole Jonathan fiasco because not only is it affecting her emotionally but just her day to day life with her parents as well. I feel like it may be one of the reasons why she's sometimes really, well, bitter, along with her bringing up of course. I like her though, even though it might be an unpopular opinion, she's cool.

    Lilian is still my second favourite, as always she's just cool. I think the only reason I don't like Dylan as much as I should is because I am rooting for Lilian and Jace, aha.

    WHO BY THE WAY I AM AVIDLY ANTICIPATING HIS RETURN. As my favourite character his absence is very sad making.

    I like how you've established their personalities and backgrounds for when he was gone for this big return to... well I suppose to back up their future actions and such. To show how they carried on without him and how different it will be when he's back. Though I'll admit a couple times I was a little bit bored with their sort of daily lives. Maybe it's just because I want Jace back so badly. I thought that this story would be more based on his return so maybe that's why I'm a little impatient, since it's already chapter twenty and other then him leaving, nothing really happened and its all sort of been background.

    I really am looking forward to Jace's return though and the drama that will inevitably follow, especially when I keep thinking back to the first chapter and I'm just like THE DEATH. :D
    Welcome to Enlightenment, s'il vous plait?
    September 5th, 2011 at 04:14pm
  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

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    I LOVED THIS. The narrator of this story sounds like such a sassy BAMF – I adore him. I could tell by the summary alone that he was going to cop some sort of attitude, but his brilliance and depth caught me by surprise a little; he’s more than just a whiny school kid. He has his own deeply rooted opinions and he’s not afraid to tell you about them, no matter how much you might not want to listen (but I really do love listening, so in the end, we all win).

    And oh lord, the way you describe the town Waterdale in the second chapter sounds like my hometown, with the men in fancy shoes and the women with tiny teacup dogs. No wonder Charlie is so sour and pessimistic. Our towns suck xD

    I also like the way he keeps fucking up his suicide attempts. I was wondering about the whole “I can’t die” motif that kept popping up, and the way you answered that was so clever and funny, in a morbid sort of way. It was really well done!

    Basically, I’m just totally hooked. Charlie’s narration alone is addicting to read because he tells things like it is, with no sugarcoated bullshit and no protective shield for the mind. Your sense of humor and sarcasm really shine through in his voice and it’s just so perfect for the story. I’m totally looking forward to the next part <3
    Soulseeker, por favor?
    September 5th, 2011 at 04:50pm
  • The Punisher

    The Punisher (200)

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    Right out of the box I can say this story is very interesting. However I have a complaint about Death. Death is well Death, he is supposed to be terrifying. And in this I felt it more like he got cheated out of a pay raise then actual victims. I would suggest making him sound older and make him seem more chilling. Just a thought.

    For the next part I liked how you gave a personality to the group of friends, making them seem better as a group instead of just as individuals who happen to be with four other people.

    Another thing I want to say even though this was said in the AN of chapter 2. I'm getting too much of a final destination vibe from this. I'm going to suggest you research about the movie and then go and try to make your plot line as dissimilar to it as possible. I understand your intentions were for it not to be like FD but that is what it is turning about to be.

    I did like the story and I will definitely read more. Kudos to you for a great story and have a great day.
    Hero High please read more than one chapter.
    September 5th, 2011 at 05:09pm
  • masked beauty

    masked beauty (150)

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    I love the layout for starters, it's so simple and to the point. I love the way this is also a superhero kind of story, I love the names you have chosen for the story also. I really could relate to the feelings you gave the main character. There where only a coupld errors with starting a sentence and what not, easy to fix just watch your sentences better. I also think it was a little to rushed, you went from one thing to another without describing much, maybe break it down and describe better? I will keep reading on. good job (:
    Little Pieace of Heaven
    September 5th, 2011 at 09:20pm
  • the power of justice

    the power of justice (100)

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    I really like your layout and banner and the overall atmosphere I get from your story! Already, I’m getting a kind of creepy, sad vibe which is good because I can see a person holding their head in anguish and someone bending down in front of a gravestone which makes me think death is sure to be inevitable in this story. One thing I don’t like though is that the banner is a bit large for the story area, but that’s just me. I would personally make the story area bigger though, haha.

    I did a quick scan of the story and I just found one thing that stood out to me, when you talk about Jason looking into her eyes and saying, “Your mother used to do that.” You forgot the period at the end of the word ‘that’ and I would capitalise the ‘h’ that came after the previously mentioned sentence. Also, when the girl says, “I love you daddy”, there should be a comma after the word saying before the phrase ‘I love you’ and the period should be after the word ‘you’ and not after the quotation marks. But overall, I loved the sadness and gloom that went with the first chapter and you have a wonderful way with descriptions and you describe ‘em perfectly and the reader is really able to truly clearly visualise what is going on. Keep up the fabulous work, good job <33

    PS: I really like the way how you had the word 'pieace' in the title, and how it's a combination of the word 'piece' and 'peace', at how there's that little girl in heaven, therefore meaning a piece in heaven, and how she's in peace in heaven. :) Very clever, I like it!
    A Shift in Momentum
    September 6th, 2011 at 11:06am