Story Comment Swap

Claimed.
I really don't want to start a review comment like this and I seriously do not mean to cause any offence but the first thing I thought when I finished reading this was that it read a bit like a government child abuse awareness anecdote, featuring Batman in order to "appeal to the kids". I don't pretend to know anything about Batman beyond the films dating back to about Val Kilmer but I was confused why he would stand around and recommend therapy rather than just spark the bloke out right away.Also one thing I noticed was that you occasionally muddle your tenses between present and past which I couldn't was intentional or not.

Aside from this the story was actually very well written. You effectively built suspense with passages such as "He will allow no one near her without his permission"You obviously proof read this and it came out quite well overall. A good short story for a fan-fic and would probably be much more appreciated by other Batman fans :)

Road to London: City of the Dead Please :)

Claimed.

Quote

First of all, the summary was amazing! It really drew me in and had me wanting to read the story. You told enough to get people interested without giving anything away.

The descriptions in the first chapter were excellent! You gave enough description so that I had a picture in my mind, but didn't overload the story with unnecessary detail.

The way you talked about Svetlana's shaking hands and obsession with organization gave insight into her personality type without spelling it out for the reader.

I also liked that you didn't use too much dialogue and instead found other ways to fill the reader in on the relationship of the characters.

Overall, I thought this was a really good first chapter! You proved you're a good writer and provided reader with a plot that was sure to reel them in!

Offsides

Claimed.

Quote

First of all, the summary was amazing! It really drew me in and had me wanting to read the story. You told enough to get people interested without giving anything away.

The descriptions in the first chapter were excellent! You gave enough description so that I had a picture in my mind, but didn't overload the story with unnecessary detail.

The way you talked about Svetlana's shaking hands and obsession with organization gave insight into her personality type without spelling it out for the reader.

I also liked that you didn't use too much dialogue and instead found other ways to fill the reader in on the relationship of the characters.

Overall, I thought this was a really good first chapter! You proved you're a good writer and provided reader with a plot that was sure to reel them in!

Offsides

Claimed -road to London city of the dead.
The person above me didn't have any stories. I hope its okay I did the person above them.

First off I move zombie stories.

Secondly, I love the way you describe the way they see another. How svets nervousness makes her pretty. As I am reading I am loving the story.

Its alot different from most of the zombie stories that I have read, most of which are Daryl Dixon. But as I said before I am enjoying this. The way you describe the zombie makes me wonder and imagen creepy bent and just disfigured zombies. Keep up the good work, I will be sure to finish reading when I can. I am currentlyon chapter six and wanting to read more but I have to go.

And so it began

Claimed

Quote

You have a good concept going. Unlike most zombie stories though, you didn't go into detail on how it all occurred. Of course, most zombie stories start after everything has happened. For once it's nice to read about when it actually starts and not about how it happened first thing. I honestly did not know this was a fan fiction, which probably was better for me in forming an opinion. That opinion is I will most definitely subscribe to this and I look forward to more. However, I do have a few problems with the grammar. I won't nit pick every single detail of what you have thus far, but I will suggest a couple things. First of all, try to cut down on the use of commas and there are a few places where apostrophes are needed. Overall I would suggest getting someone to proofread your stories and future chapters before you post it. And if you don't want to do that there are free grammar websites that will check your grammar for you and give suggestions on how to fix it. Anyways, I did like it and I can't wait to read more on Shay and Daryl's relationship.

Eternity

Claimed!

Quote::

I think your story has a really good amount of description in it. There is dialogue, but not too much. I just feel like everything is done in a really good amount. You are actually really good at writing fights scenes, which is something I find very hard to do. The fight in the bar seem svery realistic! I also really like how you take the dialogue from your universe and use it well throughout the first chapter. The vernacular never varies, and that’s something that’s hard to do if it’s not the way you are used to speaking. Even the descriptive paragraphs seem to be written in that same dialect, which really helps with the flow of the story! Overall, I just think this is really great!

Sand, please!

Claim.

riddikulus:

Not really into One Direction but I'll give it a chance :D The layout is pretty awesome too, the pictures of Liam work well with it :) It's very fast paced. I don't really like how you jump right into this holiday they're on. It's not very mysterious and it doesn't leave you wanting more. There's not much detail or description either. It's very to the point which can be good but it really needs more. It kind of bored me a little, if I'm honest. There is some good humerous moments in it which I like and you're very good at it. Also the characters seem very one dimensional. I think you could add more depth but maybe changing their personalities slightly from what 1D fans normally see through interviews etc. This would make it more fun and interesting to read from a One Direction's fan point of view. If I'm honest I wasn't very intrigued by the first chapter so I definitely think you need to work on your writing a bit more but the plot is pretty good.

Sleep, please.

Claimed.

Quote

I like the layout. It's great and from what I've read thus far it fits the story quite well. I even enjoyed the quote in the summary. However, I had to switch to the default layout in order to read it properly. The lines aren't spaced far enough apart.

It was very well written, aside from a few grammatical mistakes, but we won't worry about that. I knew what you meant. Anyways, it flowed well, but at times seemed a bit rushed. Near the end I realized you were jumping from past to present quite a bit, but left all of it in italics. That kind of made it hard to discern which was which. Over all though, I am intrigued. I wanna know what's going on with Chris and what is real, what the voices are saying or his wife. It's crazy because I feel as if Anna is the dream and he really is in a coma. Of course I could be wrong, but I guess I won't find out till I have read more. I guess this calls for a subscription and recc.

Never Forget; Pwease!

Loki's Lotus:

Never Forget; Pwease!

Comment:

Grammar errors I noticed.

White and barely visible(,) a sliver of light from the moon shined through a small break in the storm clouds.

In the main city(,) few dared to roam the streets,

Across town(,) in a large mansion(,) the kitchen light turned on blinding the occupant.

I just noticed a few missing commas throughout the story, so that's something you might want to look over.

Story

I thought the description in the first paragraph was really nice. That's usually what I like to see first in a story, because it reels me in, so good job with that! I thought the breakfast conversation was a little bit boring, but you made up for it with the drama with the Joker! It was nice to see an appearance from him early on in the story. The end of the chapter was really great and I loved all the tension between the Joker and Bruce! It was definitely my favorite part of this story, so far! Overall, great job and I really hope you keep writing this story!

Take Your Aim, please

Katie Mosing:

Claimed!

You didn't put a story!! Lol. I went to look but only saw claimed and the story you claimed. :)

Night out. please thank you.

@ albluerose
I put one. I was still writing my comment

@ Katie Mosing
Ohh ookay I'm sorry ill check it out. :) I put a story as well but I will look at yours. :)

Katie Mosing:

Take Your Aim, please

Claimed. Reading and then commenting.

@ Katie Mosing
Firstly, I love that you are writing this. I loved the movie and so far as I comment I am reading, at this moment I am on the first chapter. I dont get picky with errors or grammer stuff, dont worry.

So far I have read the first chapter (only because the walking dead just came on.) But I have to say I really like it so far and I plan on reading more. I would love to see where this goes, so as of right now I will reccomend and subscribe.

Once I read more I will comment again. :) but keep up the good work.

albluerose:

Night out. please thank you.

Comment:

I absolutely adored the description in the first chapter, and at the end of the fifth chapter.
I loved all of the intimacy in the first chapter and I thought it was really sweet and romantic. Especially in the last line, that was just perfect.
I only noticed a few grammar errors, like in the forth chapter you used there instead of they're, but it wasn't overly distracting. Other than that, I thought this was well-written. There were some points where I would have liked to see more description, but other parts had the good description to make up for it, so it was a nice balance!

Take Your Aim, please

Claimed.

Quote

Well alright, this story is awesome so far. I am a huge fan of the Hunger Games so this was really awesome to read. First off, I love the layout ^-^
I think the charactarization of Scout is really well done - you can tell from the start that she's extremely caring and devoted to those who are important to her, and that's she's truly courageous even though she's faced with one of the most terrifying feats of her life. The writing is also really well done, good description and the sentences are not too complex or distracting!
The one thing I would say is I would maybe include a little more explaination and description in the parts that have to do with the games, like the chariot ride and the makeover, etc. I realize that you're writing to an audience that has already read the series and is familiar with these things, but I think adding more description of these things could really make it accessible to people who haven't read the series :)
OVERALL, I love this. Subscribed & recommended, for sure.

To Be Alone With You please!

claimed

Comment:

The first paragraph was beautiful and really captivated me. I love rain and so that paragraph really stood out to me and I felt it was really beautifully written.

Moving on to the rest of the story, I think it is written fantastically well. There is a great balance between dialogue and description that doesn't leave the reader bored.

However, with the jumping forwards and to different places, I was getting sort of confused. Just as I was getting into one scene, it seemed to switch to another. Although, I do think that this is a great writing style, I feel the scenes need to just be a tad longer so I don't feel like I'm jumping everywhere. That might just be my opinion.

Other than that I feel you are doing a great job! Keep it up!

Is Anybody Listening?

Quote

So, my first impression of this story came from the layout, which I think was a bit bad, because the layout doesn't do your actual story justice. There's no pattern to your design and no real banner. I would suggest improving these things so that you can sell yourself to readers better.

The next thing I noticed, however, was the sheer emotion in your first chapter. This is a very convincing, emotionally charged scene, and I felt it was incredibly realistic. I felt immediate empathy for your main character. In fact, this reads just a little bit like a diary- it's a proper slice of another person's mind.

In the second chapter, I like the way you don't give away everything at once with your descriptions. You build up a picture of the setting one brick at a time, which is effective as a hook. I also like that there's a little bit of conflict in this chapter. To me, that shows that the story was planned.

Overall, I think you've got something good here. Well done!

--

Snivellus

Claimed!

Quote

I love your layout. It’s simple, the way I prefer it, and I really like the banner. It doesn’t distract from reading, and it’s quite elegant.

I read the first seven chapters for now, so that’s what I’ll be commenting on. I love how you started off the story with the description of Snape’s robes. The way you write is very interesting. I can’t quite find the right word, but there’s something about your style that’s very appealing to me. I’m usually not very fond of the use of a lot of big, “confusing” words, but I fits really well here. It seems like how Snape would be thinking.

You have a very good way of ending your chapters. It seems to fall very naturally, and it leaves me as a reading excited and curious as to what’s going to happen next. It really is a good story, and I’m going to continue reading it! You did a great job!

In My Old Bedroom