Story Comment Swap

@ CountryGirl712
My story I posted above is the story you have to comment swap, you say you claim it then you read and comment at least 100 words on the story, after posting your comment you come back here, paste the comment you put on the story (in the same post of your claim) and then a link to the story you want commented on. For examples on what your post should look like, just look up. Hope this helped. :)

thank you :)

@ Death The Angel
Don't know if the other user claimed your story or not so I'm going to go ahead and claim it.

@ silk tea.
No they didn't Thank you!

@ Death The Angel
Sure thing.

silk tea.:

So I've only read the first chapter and in all honesty it seems so abrupt. There's no real flow to it and it's all just statement after statement. Your descriptions are just stating facts and not truly describing anything which I think would help a lot with the flow of the story.

There's some awkward repetitive phrasing throughout the first chapter such as When the song finishes, he stops to pick up his bottle of water, taking a mouthful of water to replenish his thirst. The repetition of 'water' makes this sentence flow weird. Perhaps changing the second water to 'liquid'? or something similar.

Matt's eyes turn his eyes rested momentarily on Simon, one of the two guitarists. I'm assuming the 'turn his eyes' wasn't meant to be there?

The only other issue is I don't really get a sense of what this story is about for the first chapter and normally that's key to the beginning piece of a story. The first chapter is supposed to open doors of possibilities to what we're about to be reading and so far all we know is these guys are in a band they all dress like punks and oh by the way they also happen to be werewolves.

Just some things to look at. :)

Please comment on A Beautiful Plague.

reviewed!
story comment swap !
to begin with, your layout really fits the vibe of the title and the banner, i like it. :)
chapter one:
i like how you start off with god talk, it sparks an interest right off the bat, the neverending god debate. good start.
for a sort of makeshift pillow.
i feel like the sort of is kind of unnecessary and ruins the flow. a gun barrel isn't going to make a great pillow so the sort of just makes the sentence extra wordy.
another thing i noticed was the abundance of ellipses. there have already been about four and oftentimes two in one paragraph. try italics, maybe?
sasha's story about sam is very well written and allows readers to get a feel for her.
t she didn’t see the dismembered torso
this makes it sound like the creature is literally just a torso, which was confusing for me when it had a head a second later. try rephrasing and i wouldn't use the word "torso". just a suggestion.
she’s be just another happening. she'd?*

end of first chapter! overall, i think it was really good and had enough action to keep a reader intrigued and wanting more, but there were a lot of small editing errors that just seemed to be missed upon editing. try reading over it again. the ellipses were my main issue with the story, they really disrupted the flow for me.

please comment on goodbye to romance.

I claim the story above :)

@ Blind Optimism
Have you reviewed the story yet? If you haven't I can take the claim and comment swap on it =)

@ Chelsea's Dead Smile
After that many days, you can just assume they aren't going to comment on it. So you can take the claim.

Okay, I'm not quite sure what to do here, as there's no new story links above to claim.

Shall I just link to mine, or what? Or the comment the one a little further up that hasn't seem to have been commented on?

@ Carpe diem;
You'd be reviewing jesus christ. story, if you go up she has it linked at the bottom of her post.

Carpe diem;:

From the story comment swap here I read the first couple of chapters and I really like what you've got so far. Your style of writing is easy to read, good use of grammar, your descriptions easy to follow but not overly descriptive. You've got a good balance I think.

I do think you use 'and' quite a lot, which is fine obviously, but it may help the flow of your story a lot better if you used commas instead now and then, like instead of 'I felt the man’s hot breath against my neck again and felt him tuck me in closer to his body.' try 'I felt the man’s hot breath against my neck again, feeling him tuck me in closer to his body.' A tiny change like that makes a lot of difference I think. Obviously this up to you it's fine either way, just something I thought I'd mention.

I don't really see many stories involving slavery, and so I think yours is quite unique and well thought out. Although, as there's a rape scene right at the start, which was done quite well, maybe add a trigger warning into your summary as it may be a little distressing for other readers who stumble onto it. All in all you're a very good writer and I might just check the rest of it out, even though I'm not particularly a fan of the band.

Crossed the Line. Comment on the chapter I linked please.

^ claimed

Formaldehyde.:

Here from the comment swap thread

Even though I've only read the chapter you linked, chapter 9, I was still able to gain a good understanding of the relationships in this story, which is a tough thing to pull off! Right from the first paragraph you had me intrigued and quite amused. The way you've described their reactions is brilliant and completely believable. You capture the morning after perfectly! The detail you put into the scene really makes it come alive, with the girl's guilt showing through as the boy attempts to smother the whole thing. You've managed to set the scene nicely without over-complicating it with jumping back and forth and adding new stories etc. which I've seen some people do.

There were a couple little errors I saw, but nothing major that took away from the chapter itself. All in all, I think you've done a fantastic job at conveying the right emotions and reactions for the scenario. Great work!

Hold Your Tongue

^ claimed.

Quote

Found this via the comment swap thread. ^^

First things first, that is one disturbing banner! xD But I mean that as a compliment, I promise! I actually like how attention-grabbing it is, and how well it works with the story's title, too. It's clear already that this story will be captivating and probably a thriller. The rest of the layout is nice and all goes together well, too.

I enjoyed the summary; I think you really did a good job of capturing the attention of the readers without giving to much detail. And, of course, you draw in the title (and the banner!) once again, so that's always super awesome.

The opening of the story is very fascinating. At first I was wondering if the main character was the one firing the shots, but seeing her sitting still at her desk, so contrasting to the chaos around her... it's an interesting visual, and it certainly captured my attention and made me wonder about her.

You've got a few small errors here and there that I'm catching, but I don't think they're anything to worry about. Honestly, I probably only notice because I'm a teacher, so catching errors in others' works is kind of my job. I won't harass you with edits, though; I'll just say that you might want to watch your subject-verb agreements and your placing of descriptive phrases.

The interaction between Rupert and Charlie was very interesting, to say the least. I would have guessed that the story was going to open up with her not knowing this other person, but clearly that's not the case. I'm very curious to know hoe they met and how the subject of 'oh, you're a sociopath, too?' came up in conversation. xD

And, oh dear, I spoke too soon. That's a fascinating little twist, there at the end! I was most definitely not expecting her to just be using him and to let him kill himself while she played the helpless victim. This is deep, bro! Really deep. I'm digging this so far!

And then now I'm feeling awkward, because I'm actually sympathizing with Charlie and how she's handling the questions from Vanessa. I mean, I'd feel awkward, since I'm not a fan of the drinking, losing control, and making an arse out of myself thing, either... but then again, she's a sociopath, so clearly I shouldn't sympathize.

Still have to say, even though Rupert clearly isn't around anymore, I'm still very curious to know how they met and how he came to think he had found his other half. I mean, how does one introduce that kind of thing into a conversation? Really? Honey, I love you, and I need you to kill a few handfuls of people for me?

Also, I like the whole Tongue Twister thing; it obviously ties in with the title and the banner, and it's super awesome that you were able to connect everything so well.

Love the professor! I can't believe people would be terrible enough to make fun of a girl who was involved in a traumatic event like that. (And, yeah, she was in on it so she totally deserves it, but they don't know that!) I think the professor handled that beautifully, and he sounds pretty awesome.

And there's the Charlie we saw in the first chapter. Yeah, her reaction to Abbie was pretty entertaining. I mean, I feel bad for the girl because she's clearly just trying to make a friend and be nice, but I also kind of get how it could be irritating.

Okay, overall: this story is super interesting and I think you've got a fantastic foundation laid down that will be easy to build off of. The plot hasn't picked up much yet, but I can already tell it will be interesting, and I'm sure many more people will soon stumble upon this and get captivated by it. Interesting idea, and I like that you took on the point of view of someone who clearly wasn't the victim. ^^

Would anyone be so kind as to comment on Spellbound by the 1975? It's got three chapters, but they're short chapters, so it shouldn't be too difficult. Also! It's a Teen Wolf fan fic, but all you need to know is that Scott and Isaac are teenage werewolves, and that Isaac had a pretty rough childhood; with that knowledge, it can be read as original.

^ CLAIMED.

SecretPiggyMafia:

To be honest, I am not a fan of the Teen Wolf series, but I do find your story to be interesting. As someone not in the fandom, I must say this is a little bit confusing. It’s not so confusing to the point that I don’t understand what’s happening, but there are some things I don’t get. I feel like most fanfic writers write their stories exclusively for their fellow fandom members, so they assume everyone reading is up to speed on everything. This is very normal, but you should try to avoid that line of thinking. You should try your best to explain everything about the characters, their origins, where/when the story takes place, major events that happened in the series (if you mention them in the story) so people who are unfamiliar with the fandom end up becoming familiar. It’s sort of life if you had a friend in real life that was watching the series with you for the very first time and you were to tell them about the series. They’d be asking you a lot of stuff and you’d have a conversation with them, explaining stuff. Does that make sense? You’re not bad at this, though. I’ve read fanfics that were WAY more guilty of this than you are, but there’s nothing wrong with improvement. People not in the fandom should be able to read this like it’s not a fanfic, but an original fic. Like the characters are your characters, you know? They shouldn’t be expected to already know stuff.
Now I know you’re wondering what things do I wish you’d put in this story for those of us not in the fandom. Well for starters, setting. Does this story take place in the present? Also, where does it take place (not just in school, or at Scott’s house or anything like that)? I mean, what country, state, or town? Also, how did our werewolf characters become that way? Also, since you mentioned the passing of Issac’s family and friends, I feel like that should be touched on a bit more. You don’t have to explain the entire series to us, just tell us a bit about it, you know like a sentence to a couple of paragraphs of information. I don’t know, maybe I’m being knit-picky. I probably am. I’m probably coming off as someone who sees nothing but flaws in this piece. That’s not true, though, I really like it.

Chapter two is very well written. It makes me feel sad, actually. It really pulls on the reader’s heartstrings and helps us relate and understand Issac. The whole time he was in Scott’s house and observing how they were a normal family, unlike his was…uh, that was just great writing on your part. Kind of like you became him when you were writing about his problems and feelings, if that makes snese.

I really like chapter three. Your description of a teen party is perfect. I also like how Issac is totally awkward there and isn’t really into the party. I’m like that in party environments. It’s nice to see a teen character that isn’t blindly enjoying partys just because it’s the “in” thing todo. I’m so tired of every teen in every story having fun at every party or other social event. Parties aren’t the only thing in the world, and they aren’t always a good time, either. Also, the ending…ah! It makes me want to read more. Why were his eyes green? Speaking of, thank you for explaining why that’s such a big deal (for us that didn’t know what color werewolves eyes are supposed to be).

Okay, let me just say, Stiles’s list of reasons for the change of Issac’s eye color was funny. I’m assuming he’s like this in the series, too? Who is Deaton? How does this person know about the werewolves? This is another thing that needs to be explained for us not in the fandom. Whoa, the ending creeped me out. It went from us wondering what’s wrong with out main character, to it being a love story, to it being a possible tragedy all in a few paragraphs. I find the concept that werewolves HAVE to be with their true love to be very interesting. All in all, is this a good story? Yes. Do I think other Teen Wolf fans will like it? Yes, they should. Even though I don’t know anything about the series, this was well written and I can tell you’re serious about this piece and the characters seem legitimate. They seem like characters created by a professional (in this case the creator of the series). What I mean by this is that I can tell that you didn’t just up and decide to take the characters and re-write them all weird just because you’d thought it be fun or cute (some fanfic authors do this). Even though I don’t know the characters well, judging by the way you have written them here, they seem like they are in character. If I were to start watching the show, I bet the characters would be just like they are here. If that makes sense.

SO, yay. Good work.

I'm sort of new here (only been here for two months) so I don't know how you guys are linking your stories but I'll try. Can you guys please tell me how to link it like you guys do?

I would like a comment on this one. Abode

^ claimed.

Here's a guide to BBcode.

Quote

In my opinion, the summary is lacking quite a bit. It’s not that effective in pulling me in as a reader, actually.

The first paragraph is pretty okay but it still seems repetitive to me. I guess that it’s the repetition of words that affects the flow of the paragraph. It doesn’t flow like it should be, actually.

This place used to live to the son of a bitch that killed me.
Perhaps you could change it to “this place used to belong to the son of a bitch that killed me” instead. It definitely sounds better than the sentence above.

The second paragraph is not smooth as well. The sentences are quite choppy and it ruins the flow. For example, the first three sentences of the paragraph are choppy.

…every day I fucking haunted his ass, me and all of the other ghosts of his victims.
I don’t know if it’s me but this sentence could be reworded better. Maybe you could change the sentence structure to make it sound better (eg. I fucking haunted his ass with the other ghosts of his victims every day).

Life is unfair, which is another thing people say.
This disrupted the flow as well. The sentences before it were running smoothly until you repeated a phrase which you used twice in the first paragraph.

By the end of the second paragraph, I’m feeling a little bit iffy because there are a few disruptions to the continuation of sentences and it kind of ruins the moment when you finally get into reading the piece. It is like eating a bowl of ice cream then you see an insect fall on top of it.

Let’s see who I can remember; it’s been so long since they all left me, after all. I remember Sarah.
You could use a transition device like although to make the shift smoother.

She was a special needs teacher; she loved her students like they were her own children.
On the other hand, I think you’ve used the semicolon enough. You could have used the conjunction “and” instead of the semicolon because as I have said before, it disrupts the shift of sentences.

The third paragraph has the same problem as the first and second ones. There are some sentences that disrupts the flow in a snap.

The two paragraphs that follow it should have better transition. I had to read them over and over again just so I could determine if it was wrong or correct.

I remember asking Dave, and I quote, “Why the fuck did you do that? That sorry sack of shit ruined your life.”
You don’t need the “and I quote.”

Hmm… Well, I remember this one elderly woman who used to, when she was younger and able, build toys by hand and give them to impoverished children during the winter holidays.
Sometimes the structures of long sentences are confusing. Since there are more than 5-6 words, you tend to overlook some details that affect it. Now, with this sentence, you should transfer “used to” beside “build.” But now that I think about it more, I don’t think you need to put the “when she was younger and able” because you already put “used to” which symbolizes the past.

I’m all alone in the dilapidated, dusty house.
You should replace “the” with “this” because you used “here” in the following sentence.

When alive, I was so cold and heartless, caring about no one but myself. In the afterlife, I learned that there is beauty in the human race, that good people do exist.
You should put an “I” after “when.”

I should be used this this by now; I do it every day.
You repeated “this” twice.

I’ve done nothing of value; therefore I don’t deserve to finally move on. So I am trapped here…forever.
You should remove the “finally” because it seems like an excess in that clause. I think I’ve mentioned before that you’ve overused semicolons. For this sentence, you could maximize the potential for these two clauses to be one whole sentence. You could change it to something like “I don’t deserve to move on since I’ve done nothing of value.”

Overall, I perceived the tone to be dark and somewhat deep (but at the same time shallow) but suddenly, it suddenly became sorrowful by the end. The transitions between those tones are not that clear to me. Although I realized that this resembles a monologue (it can be a script, you know), it is still opaque in my perspective. I think that this story could be improved by fixing your sentence structures and your diction. But all in all, this proved to be a good piece especially since it's written in the first person perspective.

1941 has Russian and German text in it but they have translations in the author's note.

@ margarine megurine

Thank you so much! I went back and fixed the link thanks to you.

@ margarine megurine

^CLAIMED.

SecretPiggyMafia:

Chapter one: Okay well first of all, I am interested in your choice in genre. Not to many people go with historical fiction. It’s a hard genre to pull off, but as long as you do good research, you’ll be fine.
In the first sentence, change has to had. You say that the year was 1941. Using the word was suggest past tense. Has suggests present tense. The third sentence of the first paragraph just seems kind of long to me, but maybe I’m being knit-picky. In paragraph two, you start a sentence with the word “but”. You’re not supposed to do that. Also, what is your characters native language? Is it German? It’s hard to tell since I can’t figure what his nationality is. I’m assuming German from the summary, but maybe this should be explained in the story. Also, if he is German, shouldn’t his thoughts be German (with the translation at the bottom) instead of in English? Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to make sense to me. Also, who do you know Russian? Are you fluent in it? It’s okay if you’re not, but if you aren’t, be careful with which online translators you’re using. I don’t know if you speak Russian or not, but I’m just saying. The first sentence in the last paragraph also seems a tad too long.

Chapter two: Okay, I’ve already noticed something. The chapter names are all in Russian, yet you fail to explain the English translation of them anywhere in the chapter descriptions or in the author’s notes. You seem to expect the reader to either already know Russian or to go figure that out on their own when it comes to chapter titles, but not when you put Russian in the actual story. Seems kind of, I don’t know, conflicting? I think the meanings of the titles should be explained so the readers can understand. I’m sorry, but this REALLY irks me. Also, what’s a git? Is that German slang? If so, it should be explained. It may not be, though, maybe it’s just a word that I’ve never heard before. If so, I apologize. Also, at the part “what was he going to do now?”, you have it in italics, as if it’s the main character’s thoughts. If this is a thought of his, the word was should be changed to is. Was suggest past tense, so it just seems wrong here. Also, the second to the last sentence ends with the word to. That is a preposition, and you shouldn’t end sentences with those.

Chapter three: I don’t really see anything wrong here, but this chapter has helped me discover something since this author’s note is so long. Your layout makes the font in the author’s note SO tiny. It’s so hard to read. The words are so itty bitty. At least in the first few chapters, anyway.

Chapter four: I’m sorry, but I just don’t like the way this chapter started. The first word is “he.” Since this is a new chapter, you should begin this sentence with the name of the character that you are talking about. You have to remember that not all readers read one chapter directly after the next, especially depending on how often you update. Also, sometimes readers take breaks between chapters. So, when they come back to this chapter, they are thrown off by the word “he.” Like, who’s he? Who are they talking about? Does that make any sense? I do like the way you describe the pain in his legs in this chapter. It’s very descriptive. You end paragraph two with “how ironic.” That’s not a complete sentence, technically. There is no subject. Maybe this should be fixed. “In the end, both of them were laughing hard.” I don’t know what it is, but this sentence reads oddly to me, but maybe I am wrong.
I’m sorry, but the fact that you admit that your translations aren’t accurate in the author’s note…I don’t know; it just irks me. I’m sorry. It just seems weird here. Since this is a historical fiction, the only way this story can work is with proper research. Research includes proper translations. I mean, if this was a fanfiction or any other type of fiction, I’d be lenient and I’d let it go. Since this is historical fiction, I don’t know, it just seems to be different. It’s like accuracy is of the utmost importance here as opposed to other types of stories.

Chapter five: This chapter is perfectly fine. :)

Chapter six: I feel like you meant for the first sentence to grab the reader’s attention. Like, “WHOA! A BOMB JUST EXPLODED! OH MY GOSH!” However, this isn’t the reaction the reader really has. Even though the sentence describes something exciting happening, it manages to tell it in a very boring way. Maybe you should describe the sound of it.
Chapter seven: Sentences two and three in paragraph one seem kind of long. Other than that, it’s great.

Another thing I think you should do is add a pronunciation key in the author’s note with the translations. This will help the readers read the story properly, so as not to interrupt the flow. When most readers read it they’re just thinking: “Something Russian/German/Foreign” when they see these words. A pronunciation key helps the reader know what they are reading. It’s not necessary, but I think it would be nice.

In general: is this good? Yes. It’s a very interesting concept and story. Good job. I hope I wasn’t too harsh to you.

I want this story to be read. It's not complete yet. All will be explained, eventually, and all the loose ends will be tied up. Just read chapter one, though. Swirling Away Chapter One

aubs:

The summary of the story really drew me in, which is exactly what a summary should do. What I really liked about it was that it had the three things that it did. I've always liked stories that had a small warning in the summary, just to let the reader choose if they want to read the story or not, just in case it does cause a person to do something they didn't want to do, like relapse or something like that. I also liked how there was a small excerpt of the story as well as an actual summary that tells the reader about the main character and about the story itself.

What surprised me about the story, just from reading the summary I might add, was how the main character was male. I don't normally see male characters with an addiction such as this story. Well, I mean, I don't normally read stories about this subject, but when I do, I have found that the main character is a female.

I really like how relatable the story is and how real is seems. The main character is written just as a teenage boy would talk and act if under the addiction that he has. The language in this story is very simple and not too complicated; I think that really shows the reader exactly how the main character thinks and it gives the reader an idea on the age of the guy. I mean, it totally gives me an idea of what type of person the main character is and the type of person he is around other people.

Anyway, this is a really well written and well thought out story. If you couldn't already tell, but I do like this story and it's interesting how it is written, in the voice of a teenage (what I believe is a teenager) boy and how he goes through his addiction and the way that he thinks about himself and his family, as well as the people around him. I applaud you on this story so far!

Could I swap for Full Moon, please?

@ aubs

^ CLAIMED.

SecretPiggyMafia:

Okay, first of all, even though the summary is short, it’s interesting. I like it. :)

In the first line, the words “she” and “was” need to be switched around.

Wow. This was amazing. I could not stop reading. This is a very interesting, and I really like original fiction. The wording is great, and it really flows well. I already feel attached to your main character, and I really hope things end up working out for her. The way this story was told made it really easy for the reader to understand her story and her feelings. I’m really sad that her companion died, though. I think this whole idea is very interesting: how the townspeople react to her coming back just because of her companion, the fact that a human and animal can be friends, and the idea of a human having to survive the wilderness. It really hooks the reader. Subscribed.

I would like a comment on Snow