Story Comment Swap

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saint mungo.:

First off, I love the layout! It's definitely one of the best ones I've seen here on Mibba.

I loved the first chapter! Usually I don't like big chunks of description with rarely any dialogue, but your first chapter managed to pull it off very well. Your descriptions of the funeral were spot on, and I loved that the dialogue used in regards to what the priest said, etc, were very appropriate for the setting and the mood of the story.

The second chapter, was fantastic as well. I love how you really went in depth about Parker and Caroline's relationship, and also left a bit of Parker and Grace's relationship a mystery (like as to why they broke up, if they're going to get back together, etc...)

I've only read up to chapter two, but I'll definitely be continuing along with this story. Wonderful job! (:

Massie Massacre VS The Stupid World

claimed! :)

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I'll admit, the background doesn't really tickle my fancy, if you went for something a little more pink I think it would work better, but that could just be me.

ALSO, I CAUGHT ONTO THAT CHAPTER TITLE. As a lover of Sheen, yes, I have taken a liking to this. Though, "who cares, my life" I think there should be a question mark after cares and then start a new question. But my lord, this girl, I usually don't like parodies but this one has definitely caught my eye, mostly because she's all "YOU THINK LIFE IS HARD, LOOK AT MINE" all throughout that I can't stop smiling at her scene-queen-ness, and the all boys school, nice touch. I like her use of bitchin', it's a very underused word for awesome, I find. :D

I very much appreciate both the xoxo and the picture.
RAHN.

Fuchsia pink is just so hardcore. But my god, the mentality on this girl, I think my favourite thing is that she's all "I'm a scene queen but I'm totally unique about it" because well... that's usually how those scene queen people think. :D

People who commit that kind of sin should be eaten by dinosaurs, like, seriously.
I CANNOT EVEN.

Ohmygod I love her because she's everything that pisses me off. I seriously cannot wait to read more of this because it's she's so perfectly horrible and awesome at the same time. :)

hope smokes cheap cigarettes, s'il vous plait?

Claimed!

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I think I can only expect the loveliest stories from you, Gabby. Just judging by the very simplistic layout, I can tell that I'm already going to love this. <3 Oh, and the summary totally reminds me of the song by The Fray, You Found Me, especially when you mention, I found Hope on the corner of 4th and 2nd street. and just the total element of the cigarettes. Totally random, but nonetheless, a beautiful beginning (:

Ohhai, I was right! The chapter title is You Found Me; jeez, I feel kinda stupid, lol xD Anyways. as always, your descriptions of everything from the very first word to the last is pure magic; I really don't know how you did, but I'm very, very jealous, nonetheless!

How you take words like faith and logic and make them more realistic is just astounding to me and especially when you describe this person - guy? - so sad and downtrodding and wandering the night streets alone is possibly the most tragic thing I've read in quite a while. I feel so sorry for this person in their pain :(

I love how you repeat I saw Hope over this chapter. It really shows how she affects this guy and how - I guess - her just being there with him, even saying a few words, just a bit of dialogue makes everything seem a bit brighter. You also describe her as very beautiful and I love this little bit of her: She was society and anarchy and beautiful in that unconventional way where you can’t decide if she’s hideous or the most gorgeous face you’ve ever seen and suddenly she’s both. YOU ARE GOD, JUS' SAYIN'.

Hope also sounds her pixie like to me, in her movements and such, how he says that she almost floats. Yeah, I wish I was weightless like that :( Wahh. ANYHOO. She seems very nice but very cold at the same time, unforgiving almost because of this guy's lack of, er, sustainance and how sad he is? Lose the cool there, chicka. Just a bit. Nonetheless, these bits of dialogue that are exchanged are so lovely. He just wants a friend and she just wants him to get a pair, haha. I really like how he tells her that he'll never forget her, d'awwww :D Cute! <3

Dear God, Gabby, how do you do this??????? Please tell me! This was so, so beautiful - and inspried by one of my favorite songs, no less! However, I wonder what made Hope be "gone", per say. And word vomit is awesome. Seriously. Real vomit just sucks. And it's okay to be strange. Strangeness is lovely too xD

I enjoyed this lovely little piece and will be subbing to this and will be excitedly awaiting the next chapter :D Lovely job, as always! <333

Sea Gypsy, bitte!

Claimed.

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Just to let you know, I already subscribed. I mean, before. But then it was just the prologue. I liked the prologue, speaking of which—it added a lot to the story, and hints at a mermaid theme (well, so does the author’s note). I love the layout; it’s simple, easy to read, and very pretty. I really like your writing style; I see a lot of bland people on this website. You’re not one of them, though. I can tell what’s going on, and you don’t ramble or anything (I have trouble with that). Ocean almost seems like a cliché name, but it works very well here. I didn’t think that the cliffhanger was bad in chapter 4, I like cliffhangers. I especially liked the ending to chapter 5, “You bitches were right,” she said out loud. And somewhere close by, she could hear laughing.

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Claimed.

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Okay, I read the first chapter ages ago. So obviously, I'm on the second chapter. x] I like your descriptions, I really do. They're not too much but they're just enough for the reader to able to visualise what's going on in the story and stuff. I'm quite curious to what that book with Vix's name got to do with story, it just makes my spine tingle at the thought of some random creeper scrawling Vix's name into the book without her knowing, I'm most intrigued to know what happens next :D Ahaha, now I'm even more curious (you're so good at provoking the reader's curiosity) at what the voice Vix heard is and whom it may belong to. Hmm, I'm guessing the person's voice belongs to someone that Vix doesn't like/is scared of, as it said a chill ran through her body, and I'm guessing the person of the voice is going to be the root of the problems :D I'm interested! Good job, there were no grammatical errors :)

A Shift in Momentum

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I can't believe how awesome this has gotten since I last read it.

Caroline has seriously developed character wise, which I love. She's got a definite personality, as does Parker. Parker's probably my favorite. He's so adorkable :3. Though the dialogue is over done at times, it definitely flows in a way that's superbueno. And holy shit, your layout. It's absolutely gorgeous, I'm in awe of how amazing it is. It's easy to read from and pretty and the banner is perfect.

Like Vines.

^Claimed.

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Wow. Short, but incredibly sweet. I loved the tone of it; bitter, mournful, longing, but with an aftertaste of closure. Reminded me of Looking for Alaska by John Green.

"she’s flipping through stacks and stacks of records and flitting from row to row and she’s smiling with a playful abandon as she grabs my hand and drags me along."

Great imagery. I like how you managed to give Victoria such personality in so few words. To go with the image of the narrator having written countless of these, I like to imagine that with this one they're finally letting go and letting the memory of Victoria rest, and they're throwing away the picture at the top as a symbol of that.

I guess I'm rambling, but ah well. It's an amazing bit of writing and I loved reading it. Keep up the good work. :)

Empath

Claimed BrandyAlexander's story.

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Your summary is really intriguing. It really is, I'm a sucker for those kind of stories where a person with no options and no hope are like, wallowing in their sad life and suddenly, they become quite...extraordinary. I'm curious to know what happens to this Mark character so good job on getting the reader interested already in the summary :D

You know, you're quite heavy with the descriptions but it isn't a bad thing in this story, surprisingly. Instead of having a huge block of paragraphs about descriptions that just make you go, "Woah, okay.", you managed to weave them quite nicely into the story and they actually act to the mood and the setting of the story. Oh my god, major cliffhanger ending to the first chapter. The fact that Mark experienced some sort of uneasy sensation as soon as he made contact with the man makes me think that the man is some sort of supernatural being. And I wonder what happened to Mark to make him black out :O Great job, you've really managed to capture the reader's attention and arouse their curiosity. Great job once again :)

A Shift in Momentum

^Claimed.

TheRibbonOnMyWrist:

So let me start out by saying that you’re only four chapters in and I already know this is going to be one of those stories I laugh and cry through.

This hit home really hard for me right at the start. Two girls from my high school died this summer – one a brand new high school grad, and one just starting her senior year. It’s been one of those really horrific things that bring the whole community together. Very surreal. Adding a detail so small as the principal showing up at the funeral made that click really well for me.

Parker’s really funny; “You know, I’m pretty sure this is one of those things on TV where they specifically tell people not to try it at home. I’m thinking this is a bad idea.” Cracked me up. Which is good, because you had me crying in the prologue. Catharsis much? He’s got great reactions, too :) Debating whether or not to save the Lamborghini and being so slow about it that Caroline had to take action. And then the “wow” at the flaming tree. That was such an under-reaction, it was perfect. I’m confused about the fireworks, though. There was an obvious jump back in time after the prologue, but where do the fireworks fall in there. That was after Grace and Parker broke up, right? I like the way you described Parker’s closed-off-ness. We’re makin’ up new words here. The way you described how confusing he is, and how unpredictable. I feel like that’s pretty typical of guys, but maybe that’s just because I’m not one.

Taking the phone was such a boy move! I jumped one of my best guyfriends last summer for snatching my phone while I was texting this guy I was crushing on. He took me for a five-minute piggy back ride through the parking lot trying to shake me off :) You got the obnoxiousness of the dumb little things boys do down pat. Kudos!

Suggesting there’s something wrong with Caroline cracked me up. Best friends have that great way of ragging on each other that’s so mean, but it’s meant endearingly when you do it to them. You capture that really well. With all three of the main characters, actually. They’re very real. I’ve shared far more than is necessary in this comment, but I love how easily relatable it is. It’s only the beginning, but it seems like Caroline and Parker have a really good friendship. I love that he hated her (and for so long) over something so stupid as a chair. Little kids are really like that, though. I still have a grudge against a kid that pushed me off a rocking horse when I was 4. That shit is unforgiveable.
There were a few grammatical mistakes but nothing serious. I could almost chalk it up to the character’s speech pattern.

This is a great concept. The-best-friend story is one so many people can relate to. And that’s so sad, because it’s a really sucky place to be, so please, for the love of all that is holy, give us a happy ending here!

Shattered Postcards

Claimity.

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I cannot even come close to believing that there aren't any comments for this story. It's awesome! First of all, I love your writing style. It's simple without being too boring and detailed without sounding like you're overdoing it. Your phrases and sentences just mesh well together and move along and even your dialogue is flawless- not forced or awkward.

As for your characters, I adore Jaida. She's original and well developed and she does have noticeable faults, which is great to see. Miranda may be a little overdone in her ways, but that's not a really big deal.

I also love the plot. It somehow escapes the boring fanfic plots that always pop up and is original without being too weird.

All in all, it's a great story. Please write more of it.

Like Vines

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Okay right out of the box I see that you have this guy who's tormented by a girl. As many girls torment guys because of their breaking up or passing on to the next life. And it is quite intriguing on how you worded it.

It’s amazing how one girl can etch herself into your head so well. I like this line. Because it is true, and as a guy I relate to that. I had a girl I couldn't stop thinking about and after a small disagreement which turned into a war we hate each other and feel awkward around each other now. You did a good job appealing to my emotional side with this.

What is Christianshavn? You need to explain that more. Because it throws me off because its just kinda there.

This was really good and I encourage you to write the next part. I hope you will because those could get ten stars easily.

Here is my story. Please do read more than one chapter and comment on at least chapter 2 or 3, I have no comments about them. And unless it is of the utmost importance and is so badly worded DO NOT tell me about my grammar problems. Also if you like the story please do subscribe and read on.
Hero High

Claimed.

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So, I’ve read this several times already and I’m currently on chapter four. I see you changed the background (I think it was just plain black before?) and I must say the colours of gold and black look snazzy and kind of give the story that much needed superhero/fantasy kind of vibe, since this story is essentially about superheroes. Ooh, I wonder what Tristan did to Bender, if anger makes his superhero thingy like, flare up or whatever. I’ll just read chapter five since chapter four is a short chapter, so moving onto the next one. I just wanted to point out, you forgot the apostrophe in between the r and the s in ‘Benders’. Whoo, go Tristan for owning all of those bullies! I like it when people stand up for themselves. Anyway, intriguing end to finish off chapter five with the loud explosion and all, I’m curious to know what happens :O Good job!

A Shift in Momentum

the power of justice:

Claimed.

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So, I’ve read this several times already and I’m currently on chapter four. I see you changed the background (I think it was just plain black before?) and I must say the colours of gold and black look snazzy and kind of give the story that much needed superhero/fantasy kind of vibe, since this story is essentially about superheroes. Ooh, I wonder what Tristan did to Bender, if anger makes his superhero thingy like, flare up or whatever. I’ll just read chapter five since chapter four is a short chapter, so moving onto the next one. I just wanted to point out, you forgot the apostrophe in between the r and the s in ‘Benders’. Whoo, go Tristan for owning all of those bullies! I like it when people stand up for themselves. Anyway, intriguing end to finish off chapter five with the loud explosion and all, I’m curious to know what happens :O Good job!

A Shift in Momentum

Claimed

I love the layout of the story, especially the banner. It’s so beautiful. The colors fit just perfectly with the banner, it’s amazingly beautiful. The summary is just so eye catching and brilliant. It’s beautifully written. I love how you said those words in the light pink font. It’s true and brilliant and beautiful. The character page is simply amazing. You don’t give too much information away about the character. You make us think what made the character want to let go or open his eyes. The story itself is beautiful. You make us feel bad for Caroline and you make us want to smack Parker until he opens his eyes. I truly feel bad for Caroline, and I know how she feels about Grace. That’s what I love about this story. You make us feel so many different emotions, it’s brilliant.

[url=stories.mibba.com/read/423788/For-Her-Personality/]For Her Personality.[/url]

Claimed.

Oops, I'm so sorry! This was meant for Power of Justice and the link for the story is
For Her Personality.

This got a little mixed up, so I'm just posting again.

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I love this layout. It's simple but beautiful.

The name Summer Maples. Wonderful!

First chapter: It's so short that it makes me want to read more. I like how you describe Summer, how you portray her as just an average girl. I want to know what's so great about this Summer Maples character that merits writing an entire story about her. And who is this person that fell for her?

I found a typo at the beginning of the second chapter: "Every few seconds, I the car would hit another rock," > Take out the "I" after seconds.
Okay. WHAT IS HAPPENING. After the first chapter, I thought this was going to be a nice, innocent story, but then in the second chapter there's this guy who's abusive and mean and throws her off a cliff?! Is Max the one who narrated the first chapter? What in the world happened between the first chapter and the second that made him want to kill her?
The second chapter seriously threw me for a loop. I want to know what "mental condition" Max has and why Summer is with him if she knows he's dangerous...

You've definitely piqued my interest. I want to know what's going to happen next so I'm subbing.

One thing I just have to point out is one big grammar mistake.
"Max." I whispered
There should be a comma after Max, not a period. The only reason you would put a period there is if there is no dialogue tag after it.
You do this throughout the chapter, and I actually see this a lot on here. It bothers me, because it's not correct.
This, however, is right: "Get out. We're here." He reached over and stroked my cheek.
Because there's no dialogue tag, so it's complete and thus requires a period.

Overall, awesome job at grabbing my attention!

You Win
You don't have to read all three chapters if you don't want to. Mainly I'm just looking for some concrit for the first two.

^Claimed.

TheRibbonOnMyWrist:

I like the layout a lot. The love the banner; I don’t usually see titles like that, but I really like it. And the border is just enough to make it interesting without distracting from the story. Nicely done.

I’m going to attempt to organize my thoughts on this one, because I’m really scatterbrained. Bear with me:

My first impression of Carter is *coughdouchebagcough*. “You should be used to this by now”? Wow. He’s really snide and kind of an asshole…but it’s kind of really funny, too :) And what a one-track mind of him – wanting to kiss Maggie. Wow. Such the guy.

The comment about being a psycho bitch not being completely untrue was really funny. I LOL’ed. And the possibility of having a paper copy of their pact in her room. That was a cool detail.

I really like the name Luke for a brother’s BFF, too. I feel like I kind of already know a lot about him. The name just brings traits with it. If that made sense. If not, ignore my incessant rambling. And he writes. I just melted. Guys who write are hot. I see him as being the really cute, bashful type that’s super deep and gets it out through his writing. Those are the kinds of guys I’d lose my morals for. And this is a fictional character. Kudos to you, man.

Goldfish. Tehe. Love the name, again. And that she has that little obsession with him. Superfish and all. I’m like that with Tinkerbell. She’s beast. Caroline has a real knack for naming things, though. Clark and Fred. …Hm. I’ll roll with it

I totally understand getting back at Carter, but using Luke? :/ I wouldn’t do that just because I like Luke. It would be more of a “I have no problem doing that to Carter, but I can’t use Luke to do it” type thing. I’d feel too bad. I TOTALLY DID NOT THINK THAT WAS HOW SHE WAS GOING TO GET EVEN OH MY GOD. I am naïve, aren’t I? I revise my earlier statement: I could use Luke like that. Boy could I use Luke like that. At least for a time, and then I’d feel guilty and actually begin liking him. Just like Caroline! Your characters are so real. Awesome job. And Luke cannot be a casualty! I’m almost upset you phrased it that way! Bahahahaha oh my God, I literally broke down laughing at Carter’s reaction. That was too priceless.

Dropping to the ground was maybe a little overdramatic, but it didn’t really hurt the story so don’t worry about it. Caroline reminds me a lot of my best friend, by the way. Kinda makes me love her.
I also couldn’t help but laugh at your that’s what she said joke. Nice one.

So my guess is that it’s going to take Carter’s telling Luke that it wasn’t a revenge thing on Caroline’s part, and that’s going to take a hell of a lot of convincing on her behalf…wow. This story got a lot of wow’s out of me. I think this is going to be a good one :) I’m subscribing.

Shattered Postcards

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well I can see you made a pete wentz fan fic. Even though I have no idea which band he plays for. Moving right along.

I love how sarcastic she is. She reminds me of well me. Its a character that one can relate too. I do believe she is a little too bitter. As everything that happens that involves her she freaks out on the inside like with the secretary, she was giving her a complement. Kinda need to take a happy and chill pill.

I did not like your description of the professor. It seemed kind lazy as I haven't seen that movie, I would have described him a little more and then dropped the "he looked like such and such." Also did you write out that syllabus? Or did you copy and paste? I'm kinda going everywhere but I wanted to point things out.

Another thing I wanted to say was this is too good to be a fan fic. Now if you like writing fan fic that's fine but I would suggest making a new character and replacing him with Pete Wentz. Just make it more original eh?

These are my comments and suggestions. Take them or leave em, all up to you.

Here is my story. Please do read more than one chapter and comment on at least chapter 3 or 4-5 (four is really short), I have no comments about them. And unless it is of the utmost importance and is so badly worded DO NOT tell me about my grammar problems. Also if you like the story please do subscribe and read on.
Hero High

Claimed.

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So I read up to chapter 5 since the chapters were short, like you said, and while the concept is interesting I am not really bonding with any of the characters. I think Ayriana's characterization in chapter 1 was too over the top, and she sounded more like a spoiled annoying brat, than someone who is truly confused about her powers. Tristan is a little better. I like the fact you gave him a cajun accent, even thought I don't know what that is exactly. It's a nice little add-on.

Now as for chapters 3, 4, and 5, I don't have much to say because they are so short. I will say I don't like how you broke them up. It makes the whole flow of the story seem choppy and confusing. One second we are with Tristan watching him battle some villains, and the next we are with Ayariana, back to Tristan. I think you were attempting to go for cliffhangers, but it was so contrived and forced that it was more annoying than suspenseful.

Also, I feel like you stole Gambit's power from X-Men to make Tristan. Now, I never really read the x-men comic books, but this was just the vibe I was getting. I think Gambit uses cards to.

Please read Cherry Soda Boy. If You can read all four chapters, that would be super, but I understand if you can't :)

Claimed.

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Good Gah.

I started off reading it fearing extreme smutt and things that I just don't have the stomach for (whether it's slash, hetero, or femmeslash) and found something absolutely worth every second of my time.

The descriptions were marvelous. You used imagery and psychological tangents to get your points across and it was beautifully done.

You should go back through the first chapter with a grammar comb though, I did see some errors (nothing major just what looked like typos).

I've never read anything even slightly slash before now and let me just say, for this to be my first it's a priveledge.

The cussing was a bit extreme and some of the characters really make me mad (evoking emotions, good) as well as I worry for the main character. He seems really sarcastic and almost depressed?

I can't wait to read the next chapter and anyone who sees this review should definitely check this story out. It was well worth the read.

Please read Gina Long and the Moment of Truth, there's only one chapter so far.