Story Comment Swap

Claimed. (Btw, you posted the wrong link, I had to go over to your profile to find it. xD)

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Hmm, interesting layout. I can say I’ve never really seen one like that before (in a good way!) and it makes me think that lights or lanterns or whatever have some sort of part in the story. I liked your summary, it’s incredibly short but I must say, it is enticing and rather mysterious. The fact that the last sentence of the summary was in italics make me think that the Moore School and Hospital is some kind of sinister place, I’m looking forward to finding out more.

Ooh, this story is set in the past? I love stories set in the past xD I like how you launched straight into the descriptions, it’s like you’re giving your reader an idea of what is going around them before launching into describing the characters. Speaking of descriptions, your descriptions are perfect, not too much but not too little. It’s just right, really :D

I just spotted an error here:
An eye peaked out. It’s meant to be ‘peeked’ not ‘peaked’.

Ooh, I wonder what’s in the bundle. Why do I suspect a child is hiding in there? xD Ooh, my suspicions were confirmed when you said the child started to squirm. :D I really liked this, your dialogue and stuff were appropriate for the era and you manage to hold an air of element and mystery, leaving the reader wondering. I’m quite curious to know what happens to the child, was he kidnapped or something? Anyway, good job :D

A Shift in Momentum

Claim.

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First off, I loved both the layout and the summary, both were really pretty. I especially liked in the summary how you had the paragraph about appreciating what we've got before you introduced the characters, and you didn't explain too much about them, which kept me itnerested.
I really liked the decription of the funeral, how she was looking around and describing the emotions that were all around her, it read really well and the phrasing was brilliant.

dead flowers as they were already dead since they had been plucked - for a dead person. ~ I really liked this line because it was so pretty and haunting, but I think the repitition of 'dead' got a bit too much and interrupted the flow a bit. Maybe if it had been shorter, like 'flowers already dead, since they'd been plucked', but that's just my opinion.

I really liked the way you've written the relationship between Parker and Caroline, and switched it back to the past without making any big deal over it, it made the story flow really well and kept me interested. It seemed like a brilliant concept, and I really liked it. I've subscribed :)

Attention Seeker

Claim.

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"Some years ago staying up all night was considered a treat, a novelty, something to be done at sleepovers; associated with Truth or Dare, popcorn and horror movies. For me, those days were long gone despite the fact they'd never really lingered that long."

I related to this in such a way, it was just incredible to me. It was like you knew me and were speaking about me. I know that's silly but it was like something that would come out of my own head, the contrast between sleep deprivation and wanting to stay up all night for fun.

"Was it me going mad, or the rest of the world?"

I loved this phrase as well. It is beautiful and horrifying all in one.

I love your writing because I can feel the emotion.

But the story and the character's personality is what draws me in. It's beautiful. I love how you related the story to regular people through common memories that most have (the slumber party comparison).

It was very well written and is most definitely a story to be proud of so far.

What They See
Two short chapters, please read both if you will or the second chapter if you won't.

Claimed.

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I both love and loathe the summary of this. I love it because it's so emotionally genuine, and I loathe it because of what that means. This part was the best:

The black sharpie words screamed her every flaw at her, reflecting the fact and the visual. In her eyes it was the truest thing she'd ever seen.

I already feel for this character, although I do wonder whether this is a story about what 'they' see, or one about what she herself sees...

Anyway, onto the actual story. I also thought that your first paragraph in the first chapter was an exceptional piece of writing, and I'm not just saying that. This was a great way of telling us that the mirror was broken:

He was breathing hard, not caring that he’d just gotten himself seven years of bad luck.

The bit about seeing the 'disg' in 'disgusting' was also a great detail. Just in general, your writing in this chapter seems to be fluent and emotionally stirring. You have a wonderful way of generating impact. Like here:

I flinched at his lies as if they were physical slaps.

Additionally, I love the fact that you let the characters introduce themselves a bit at a time (like how where you reveal that he is gay- although I would have appreciated knowing his name in this chapter). Your dialogue is also smooth and not too wordy or complicated, but also not just written completely out of context of what the characters are doing while they're speaking.

The second chapter is also good, and keeps up all of the things I've just mentioned, that I thought you did well. The only mistake I spotted was 'pooched' instead of 'pouched', which is what I think you meant to say. Overall, again, this was a good chapter.

I really hope you continue writing this, because even if it's not my kind of story, I think it's very well-written, and will appeal to lots of people!

No Room For Ghosts.

This story has been updated, so for the sake of not blocking off this thread, if you already commented on it, comment on the next bit after what you read.

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Okay time for a comment. I really like the opening to your first paragraph. I don’t know what it is but it is worded so well I really am hooked from the get go. Which is a very good job on your part. It is a very interesting and unique storyline in comparison to some of the other things written and published on mibba. While your story was good in the beginning I do have to admit it started to drag on and get a tad dry and boring in the middle. It was just description after description, while description and adjectives are good too many of them confuse and bore the reader. Which is what I was feeling during this time. Anyway it is still really really good and I encourage to write more of it.

Corruptions End

please read chapters 1 and 2 because it is a co write and i want to know what you think of the two writers styles.

Claiming.

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Summary
You have tonnes of >>>> these. You can just use the center,right,left alignment codes to do that so it doesn't look really odd when there's arrows that just shouldn't show up.

she was made. Engineered to be the perfect human, - I think that needs to be a comma instead, because the next line means it's starting a whole new sentence when it actually seems like it's meant to finish off the last one. I also think you use '-' too much when a comma would just as easily do the trick.

The keys to agelessness - to immortality - to power beyond - like here. I'm not sure why '-' was used, because it would seem like a comma would be better used.

These mutants and when people seek to destroy you you have one of two options: - The first two words in this sentence don't really make sense with the rest of the sentence, maybe something needs to be rephrased?

Chapter One
Just out of curiosity, how is the text in this chapter right on the edge of the picture while the text in the summary is overlapping onto the image? It's kind of weird how it does that...but if it's like this in this chapter, I think you should try and get it like that in the summary.

or a person seen as the - person to be seen would read a little better.

It was a gloomy and ominous rain that came down from black and deep dark grey clouds that every few seconds were lit white from lightning and the booming sound of thunder was the only thing noticed to be moving at the moment. - this is quite a long sentence and I think it needs to be broken up somehow. Maybe something like: It was a gloomy and ominous rain, the type that came from the black and grey clouds that were lit up by white lighting, accompanied by the booming sounds of thunder that gave off the illusion of movement. There definitely needs to be some pauses and a re-working of words.

It was like every day in this city - It was like this every day....?

tables colder then death - than not then.

Each house – each any every business and building, - the '-' doesn't really work in this context. Each house and each and every business and building would work better, or maybe even just each and every building in the city.

In a coffee shop not too far from this place or the newspaper stands or anywhere in particular and you’d see a coffee - the use of 'and' in this sentence really throws the whole thing off. I've tried to read it a few times with 'and' in there and it just reads as incomplete. You need to take that out otherwise the sentence makes no sense because it's waiting for the rest of the sentence, which isn't really there at all.

as the only sound heard for miles other then the - than not then

and the occasional rumble of thunder were the - but the thunder can't be occasional if the weather's always crappy. Earlier it was going on about the rain, lighting, thunder, the humidity...and how it was always like this in that city, so therefore thunder shouldn't be occasional.

All of a sudden there was the sound of something firing - a short burst of blue light and then shortly after it the delayed sound of it whizzing past the empty houses and buildings just a few seconds later. - this kind of also doesn't really fit in well with the narration. You're describing the place first, you're talking about it in a way that doesn't really signify that anyone's there in the action of nothing. Maybe if you worded the beginning of it something like: The sound of something firing and a short burst of blue light would pass through the sky, a warning to any who remained in the city that they would be hunted down, etc. But then that also seems a little contradictory because no one actually lives in the city apart from those in the laboratory right? I think if you're going to have those people who stick it out in the city while everyone leaves, you need to have a little mention of them before this part in the story, otherwise it doesn't make sense when you've already told the reader no one's there.

It was now or never and this was much too quiet as her smooth lithe creamy white hand picked up an empty coke can in it carefully balancing it on her fingertips. - I'm not sure I understand the connection between the two actions here. Because it's too quiet she has to pick up a coke can and hold it in her fingertips? While it makes sense in the following lines, it doesn't make sense at all on its own. It definitely needs to be rephrased or something.

flash and flick of her wrist she launched it out and - you also need to get rid of 'she' in this sentence.

the street watching what had seemed as just another plain dreary - what had seemed like another plain dreary... 'as' doesn't work.

her family members who were the first stages of testing who - who were in the - otherwise the sentence makes no sense either.

Inhaling sharply as she ran only to slip the second she made it out of the shadows. - take out 'as' otherwise it reads like an incomplete sentence.

mutant” One voice snarled - lower case 'o' because the voice belongs to the dialogue, it's not separate from it.

hounds of hells and - just 'hell'

close by swearing she grappled for a grip on the bar. - 'swearing, she grappled for a grip on the bar' needs to be its own sentence.

Spitting at him she threw her head back slamming it against his head hard he rough to knock him out picking him up dragging him over to a dumpster tossing him in with the stinking, festering, rotten garbage as she shuddered assuming Cato’s body and everything about him, running her fingers through her hair as her hair rapidly shortened and she stood there in the man’s body, solidifying the change and assuming his identity. - read that out loud to yourself. It makes no sense. And there's also a link in there. You're not meant to have links within the content of the story, so you should probably take that out.

herself though kept Cato’s plasma gun as her hip - at?

here Elizabeth” Her - comma and lower case 'h'

know stride into the lock - strode - keep with the tense.

So your this Elizabeth - you're

alive” The man - comma and a lower case 't'

hell” She spat - comma and a lower case 's'

Of them struck - One of them

He smirked as she - lower case 'h'

This chapter definitely needs to be re-read over and probably needs a beta too (as was suggested above) there are quite a lot of errors in it and it really does take away from getting to actually read the story. I spent a lot of the time trying to figure out where the break was meant to be in sentences that by the time you've found it, you've lost the enjoyment of simply reading. So, I think if you find someone that can re-read your chapters and suggest where things need to be changed or where they could be improved, it'd be a nice chapter. :) I get the air of a dystopian kind of world, not like an X-Men mutant world, so it's like a different take. I think you've also got a likeness for describing things, and that's nice because the reader can get a feel for what's going on - it's just that you don't articulate them clearly enough. So, if you find a beta, all this good stuff will shine through more. :)

Chapter Two
were hunted by there very people - the not there

hell bent of freeing them. - on

he could just as fast as he could with out it on. - just as fast...without it

He opened the window and climbed out, stalking the rooftops - so did he climb out of a window onto a roof in which case stalking could mean skulking around the rooftops looking down, or did he climb out onto a ledge where his vision stalked the rooftops? Needs to be a little clearer.

nto the street he grabbed five cards from his pocket. - this is just out of curiosity, how many mutants or superheroes, apart from Gambit, use cards as weapons? Because, to me, I only ever associate it with Gambit (or that guy in Smokin' Aces, but that's just card tricks) and it just seems odd reading another character's traits that no one else seems to have. That might just be me, but it's something I wanted to point out.

boy." He said in his - comma and lower case 'h'

he ripped his heart out. His fist dark red from all the blood. - this could all be in one sentence.

with me?" He asked - lower case 'h'

know." He told her - comma and lower case 'h'

Chapter Three
Question: why is Elizabeth's point of view written in this chapter? If you do that, it really doesn't do much for the co-write when it's already been somewhat presented in the form of Eden writing Elizabeth and you writing the other character. Don't confuse the reader like that, put this part as the third chapter and then the other part as the fourth.

This boy – this man she should rather say was - This boy, or man she should rather say, was

then she had seen before and she - than not then

That paragraph also needs to be split up a little bit into smaller ones, because that amount of text together, with white font and a black background...it's not easy to read.

There naked bodies lightly - Their

and permentally - permanently?

would they cloth - clothe

You also need to go and edit every part of dialogue with your chapters. When someone is speaking and you describe how they spoke or who they spoke to or whatever, the dialogue ends in a comma and a lower case letter of the next word. When someone asks a question or exclaims something, the next letter after the punctuation mark and quotation mark is a lower case letter. Please try and remember that because when I read stories and I see consistent errors like the simple rules of dialogue, I just forget about the story and start looking for the next error.

So, I'm not going to lie, you both need to re-read the chapters. As co-writers you should probably spend some time reading each other's chapters and be critical about it. If you see a mistake or fifty, send them to the other person in a message and tell them what needs to be changed in the chapters otherwise you'll keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And if you do that, then maybe there'll be less mistakes. Also invest in a beta.

It does seem like there's some potential in the story. I think Eden sets the scenes well, and that's good because at least the readers know about the surroundings rather than a chapter focused on an individual and what he's thinking and what he's doing. I also think in the second and third chapter that the action happened too fast, like BAM! it happened and oh, it happened again kind of thing. There needs to be a little more lead up to it.

Other than that, I think you've got two mutant heroes who have anger problems and a reason to fight, so that's good, sounds very much like an angry mutant kind of thing. But just slow it down and don't forget that you can explore your characters.

But most of all, please get a beta and start looking for errors in this story, because to be honest, that's all I could do. I couldn't enjoy the story as much when there were too many errors. Be aware of that, because it's something that really does make people stop reading stories.

whatever tickles your pickle.

Claimed.

youth and whiskey.:

Ooh, Brian is growing on me so much lately so I couldn't help but pick this one. The layout is absolutely stunning - colors all match well and it gives a very warm, cozy sensation.

The summary was very interesting - I instantly want to know who died and the last line was just lovely! It truly is a strange thing to do and you just tied it in there perfectly.

The first chapter made me cry, to tell you the truth. It absolutely broke my heart yet was such a great way to start a chapter. It's instantly got me questioning the whole thing and I'm looking all around for a sign that this isn't the only part posted.

Your descriptions and use of emotion are absolutely brilliant - I can feel it and I felt my own heart breaking in my chest the more I read and felt Georgia's utter sorrow. You know how to convey an image to your readers without it being too much or overwhelming to the point that I'm skipping stuff.

I love how I got the feeling that the birds were so stricken with grief that even they couldn't sing - it was too sad of a moment for it.

This truly does define literary beauty. I'm going to subscribe and wait eagerly for every update to tell you how much I love it!

Gift, please.

Claim.

valium knights.:

I like the mystery in this piece, and the philosophical tone of the narrator. It makes everyone aware of what’s around them, what they take for granted. It’s a wonderful introduction to a story. This leads on to something every more interesting, the fight of mortality/immortality. I don’t usually read fantasy stories but I like this one so far. You put an interesting twist on it with your colloquial tone; it makes it feel like the story is being told directly to a single person rather than a group of readers.

I love how in the fifth paragraph you talk, almost mocking them, about the characteristics of the vampires which again makes this piece different. I felt this was done to set apart this piece from the other vampire fictions on this site – and if I were to read genres such as this, then that would work for me. I chuckled at the line I'll be celebrating my two hundredth birthday in a couple of weeks. and I can see you going somewhere good with this piece.

Good luck, I’m sure this story will strive!

Over Exposure

Claim. Will comment shortly.

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This is very good, quite modern and the paragraphs flow very well into each another, as do the chapters. There's just enough detail for you to understand exactly what Madison is talking about, and I like that you use 1st person. It leads it deeper into Madison's life and how she feels about everything.
I think you show add more paragraphs though, especially in Chapter 2, your paragraphs are large and some of them could be cut in half if you wished, it would flow all the more better that way. I noticed that in Chapter 3 and 4, you made them a bit smaller, and that's what made it so much better.

I enjoyed it! I really think you should update this regularly. It's a very good story.

Protest, My Commander.

claimed! :)

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The layout I'll admit, isn't really to my tastes, mostly because of the picture in the background of the words. It makes it more difficult to read. Rule of thumb: never put actual pictures in the word backgrounds, if anything just stick with solid colours (that contrast against the word colour). And just in general, it seems a little... childish? With the bleeding hearts and whatnot, like a myspace profile.

"Something truely amazing..." *truly.

I like the perspective of the girl, how you can tell how young and naive she is with the entire world, how excited she is and whatnot to get away from home, you've really done a good job with making her realistic in that sense. Along with how she talks to, sometimes historical fiction is really bad and doesn't make sense mixing it with modern, but her voice really does sound like from that time period.

A couple grammar things, capitalize all Is and ellipses should always have three dots (...) and sometimes you puts an apostrophe where there shouldn't be (the girl's did this).

Entrees = dish served before main course.
Entries = journal entry.

I also like how much her voice as matured in the last bit, how she no longer seems like an over-excited little girl but someone who has gone through a lot. And war really is a lot.

"... to someone who have seen things that most people do not ..." has* and *have not
"... It's been abou..." about*
"...and to advoid a mass murder..." avoid.

It's interesting, it has potential. I think you should delve a little more into the descriptions of the war, the scenery and whatnot so that the reader can truly get an image of how gruesome this was instead of just you telling us that it was, show us. This is war, after all. You need to proof-read before you post it because you have a lot of silly mistakes that are easily fixed. Otherwise, I think it has a lot of potential. :)

Welcome to Enlightenment, s'il vous plait?

Double post, sorry.

Claimed! :)

Mischief Managed!:

Firstly, I love the layout! It's simple, and it works perfectly that way. I'm a sucker for black/white layouts, I really am. And the summary is really good too. I love how it draws you right into the character, and it's definitely one of those summaries that makes you want to read on!
Okay, so chapter one. The first line really grabbed me, and I love the characters whole attitude towards philosophy. He told a friend who told another friend who told his second cousin who told his mother who shared it at her knitting group. I really loved this line, and I genuinely don't know why. It's just..so well written, and it, once again, adds to the who-cares attitude that the character seems to be showing with every sentence.

"...soccer mom's" should be just moms I think. If it should be that, the sentence just doesn't read 100% well. That's the only grammar thing I can come up with in that chapter.

Second chapter. The first line made me laugh, I don't know if it was intended that way. Not in a bad way, of course, it just struck me as something that would come out of any child growing up in the modern world's mouth. I absolutely loved the reference to The Lion King, it seemed to fit really well with the whole idea you're conjuring up. the women are poodles with opposable thumbs is quite possibly my favourite line ever. It's one of the best metaphors for explaining how done-up (for lack of a better phrase) a woman is in a long time. The last line springs a lot of questions in my mind.

I really feel you've got something excellent here, and I hope you continue! There's some really amazingly good writing in the first two chapters, and a serious amount of promise from the piece as a whole.

Still Living, Sinking, Falling, Twisting please? :)

Claimed.

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I think you do a great job at painting a picture of what's going on. I can really picture the whole thing in my head just perfectly, and I love it when that happens because then I don't have to force myself to read. It just happens. Like I'm watching a movie in my head.

"There are no words spoken for the first five minutes, just silence so loud it could drive someone insane."

I love that. ^-^

It's a little difficult to follow who's saying what, though, because you haven't given them names. The murderer guy seems like a nutcase what with all that smiling he was doing! You're very good at creating suspense without being obvious about it.

I found a typo in chapter three: "His had rests on ‘M’ for a second, before he pulls the drawer open."

I just love that you've captured my attention so effectively in the first chapter, but you don't give any answers right away! What is the history between the detective and the criminal? What happened with the criminal's brother?

I like that this is in present tense. It's very immediate and it sort of reminds me of a Jodi Picoult book because she writes her books in third person present (at least the ones I've read) and a few of her books also have criminal/detective things about them. So your writing reminds me of an award winning author. ;D This is just like a mini Jodi Picoult book. It just needs some sex and romance and you're all set. haha I kid, I kid.

And the plot thickens! They have escaped, oh dear. More killing surely to come. I'm guessing the girl they killed is Ed's sister? That's awful. If I were Ed, I would be afraid for my life. o_o

This isn't really what I normally read, but I liked it. The plot so far is interesting and new things just keep on happening! Which makes me think that new things will keep on happening. Good job with this so far. (:

Those Darn Muggles
It's a Harry Potter fanfic, but all you really need to know for it is that Fred and George are wizards... and jokesters.

claim!

Kae's Review:

layout
i absolutely love the layout, it just seems so comfortable and cozy. i'm not sure if that's what you were aiming for, but that's how it made me feel!

chapter title
the chapter title also furthered this feeling of cuteness. it doesn't seem executed in a harsh way, it's kind of like a sweet accusation. sorry, if that doesn't really make much sense!

content
the way you subtly begin introducing the character is fantastic. slowly, through random facts i feel like i'm getting to know beck and her little quirks. such as hating the morning frenzy of people.

that latte worthy of the gods line made me giggle! as well as that: they were the same people! one!

your fred and george are flawless. usually people cannot write characters that have already been written, they seem forced and overdone. not here, it's like they've been reinvented, but they are very much the same.

that ending was just amazing in every way. so, the story didn't meet the same kind of "cute" i was thinking of, but it's still cute in a way. especially if you love the weasley twins. overall, great story, not grammatical errors. just great

Nothing Boy

Claimed.

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I absolutely love the layout you gave this story. I felt it suit it very well, it seemed to enhance and compliment it. As a good story layout should.
I also like how you did the opening summary, I'm actually envious of it since I seem to fail at summaries. You captured my attention perfectly with it and it made me want to read more.

The Prologue: I found it really interesting and it made me want to continue reading, despite how short it was. You didn't ramble on, you established the beginning of your story and accomplished everything necessary. I honestly have nothing but praise for the story so far. I feel the need to critique but you have a great writing style and have so far just made it impossible.

Chapter One: I liked it, it didn't have as much pizzazz as the prologue seemed to have but I still liked it. Your chapters have a flow and a structure to them that I envy, really. I do however wish that this chapter was longer, it felt too short for a first chapter. I have a weakness to do this too, but I've always felt that the prologue is where things should be short, the first chapter is where you dive in and start to establish your story to your audience.

In total, I love the layout and the way you word everything, though I wish you added a bit of length to your chapter. It's a very good start to your story and I can't wait to see where you go with it. Good job, and keep writing so you can continue to attract readers to this story :)

Unwanted inheritance
It's a story about a vampire slayer.

Claimed.

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I really like your layout, it has a mythical sort of theme going on which I know is totally the whole point since your story is about vampire slayers and all :P

I really like your writing, it’s very clear and concise and even though your story is a sequel, I easily understood what was going on, so well done! Usually when I read sequels, I’m baffled but your story didn’t do that for me. The fight between Zane and the vampires was very vividly described; I could totally imagine what was happening! Like the commenter before me, you manage to pack in lots of detail and yet it still manages to feel natural and it flows nicely without it feeling too cramped, I’m so jealous! Haha. This has great potential, keep it up :D

Chance Encounter

Claimed.

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This has to be one of the cleverest, most exciting stories I've seen around here. I loved every word. The summary was what a proper summary should be. Interesting, but vague enough to drag the reader in. I loved the descriptions of the characters, and how easily I can imagine them in my head. You have a wonderful way with words, which makes everything very simple and clear. I love it.

The prologue was simply wonderful. The reoccurrence of the phrase "Fate made him" was really clever. I'm a sucker for this kind of narrative. The whole thing flowed absolutely perfectly. I have to say that my favourite line was He looked different, but it certainly wasn’t because he got a new haircut or a change of clothes: he was pale blue and very dead.. Goodness me, woman, you're a genius. It's the kind of comedic line with a slightly morbid twist that really sucks me in. So I will most certainly be subscribing, and keep this up. It's bloody fantastic.

Morsmordre, please.

Claimed.

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For your layout, I just want to say that it's nice to see a patterned sidebar without an unnecessarily strongly patterned background that takes away from the story completely. :) I think the solid background makes it look rather nice and clean and easy to focus :) Just sayin.

Chapter One
In the early hours of the morning, with sunlight seeping over the horizon and - I think you could take out that first comma in the sentence because it reads nicely without it and because sometimes the comma use can look a little too excessive.

Anywho, this is how clueless I am about HP spells (and yet I've read the books a lot, and seen the movies...a lot). I just googled 'morsmordre' because I just thought it was some fancy Latin word. Lo and behold, it's the spell to conjure the Dark Lord. And I read the Author's Note before the I started to read the whole story, so it makes sense! :) Because when I first clicked the first chapter, those first few paragraphs sounded like they might be in an asylum. So hey, learn something 'new' everyday ;)

I like how in the next paragraph you use words like 'boy' and 'child' and it kind of puts a weird image of a boy being imprisoned, then you say he could not have been more than nineteen. I think that was nicely done because it makes the reader wonder for a moment why a boy would possibly be going to prison, but then you drop 'nineteen' in there and it makes the reader wonder why, at such an age, this guy could be calling out for his mother like that.

unsettled, until it resembled little more than a heap upon his head. - I don't think you need this comma here. I think it breaks it up a little too much where the description could be tied well enough into one sentence. :)

Like clockwork, he would whisper for his mother into the darkness, or plead for a reprieve that would never come. - on a comma rampage again, I think you could either take out all commas or maybe take out the second one, because the sentence reads well enough without any commas, or with that very first pause. :)

I like the repetition of how he wants his mother and then the reference to the idea that she won't come and because I haven't read HP 4, 5 & 6 for a very long time I can't say that I know exactly why and I don't want to Google it because I feel like my ignorance on the matter would make for some nice reading. :) Unless, of course, it's not mentioned in anything at all and this is your making. :) In either case, you've got a really nice idea of a plot and the prologue really sets everything up well. :)

I like that this only has description rather than dialogue and that you focus on the hopelessness of being jailed in Azkaban. I also like that you don't mention that's the setting until half way through/ three quarters of the way through the piece and you don't mention any names. I think the description takes all of that instead. :)

Anywho, it's a lovely chapter and I'm going to subscribe because it looks well-written with a plan and such :) And, maybe when you think about using a comma, read the sentence aloud (or out very loud in your head) with what it sounds like with and without a comma, and then see if you really need one in there. :) But good prologue! :)

Anything from here or this :)

Claim.

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I liked this. Honestly, if it wasn't fan-fiction and it was finished I think it could be published. It's addictive and emotion evoking. I can relate to it.

This was very beautiful and well worth the read.

I liked how your character is watching all around her and seeing the different people and explaining them then comparing them or relating them to Brian. I also like how you didn't call him Synyster because I would have been an angry woman in this particular story. :)

I love the descriptions you used for everything. I could picture it all inside my head with such clarity that it was like watching a really good movie. I could hear the piano, I swear. :)

On the second chapter I would suggest going through with reviewing comb and looking through because a saw a couple of places where you forgot a word or typo'd but it was only a couple of places.

Also in the second chapter, you need to make sure all of your Georgie's and Georgia's are right because a few of them are switched out.

Well, done though. It was emotional, memorable, and just generally wonderful.

Great job!

What They See There are three chapters. The first two are pretty short and the third one is average length. I'd prefer you read all three but if you can't then two and three will suffice. Also, keep in mind that the layout is for chapter three specifically rather than the whole story (chapter three is entered in a contest).

Claim :)

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I like your layout and summary, they grab your interest and compliment the story without being overdone and taking away from it.

I found the first chapter incredibly interesting but found it hard to follow in some places. i don't expect to have everything explained to me and I can piece together some information from their conversation, but I still feel that a lot of that chapter went over my head. However, it did intrigue me, enough to make me want to continue reading and this is how I feel other readers will feel when they read this chapter :)

I found chapter two more of an explanation and began to understand things better though I still don't feel there is enough to really justify how badly she is feeling, I guess I feel there isn't enough back story to this. I understand that she feels bad about her weight and looks. Yet I feel like I was just thrown into the drama of her life without explanation as to how it happened. I see that you're trying to work it in as you go along and I feel that could work, but of this chapter, this how I feel :P Though I'm still intrigued by the story despite feeling this way. I like the way you word things and your writing style, it flows well and gives an interesting read.

I didn't like the third one as much as the other two, I don't think I'm a fan of the reverse story. It confuses me since Henry is established as a "bad" character and instead of going forwards in the story and having Caroline resolve her problems you're going back in time. I don't know if I'm explaining very well. Once again I enjoy your writing style, I just find the reverse chapters confusing, maybe as you keep on going with the story it will all straighten out :)

Where Spirits Dwell I would love it if you could read the entire thing and tell me how I'm doing. I do realize that it's a bit long so if not just give me a general comment about what you thought of what you did read, the layout, etc :)