Story Comment Swap

Claimed.

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I like your layout; it’s very light and pretty! I also like that you have a patterned sidebar, yet your layout isn’t patterned so it doesn’t look cluttered and over the top. It looks just right, really. Me likey :D

I just checked out your character page before starting the story and although there weren’t any pictures or anything, I still liked it! You gave the reader enough information on each character without being too vague or overly detailed, and the amount of details for each character was just right.

Before actually commenting on the content of the story,I just wanted to point out this mistake I found in the first chapter.
He knew they’re powers came from no God, but he was also smart enough to not show it.
The word ‘they’re’ should be replaced with the word ‘their’. ‘They’re’ means “they are” while ‘their’ means “belonging to”.

I really like the concept of the story so far, it has an original and fresh plot, and it is definitely not something I come across very often, on both Mibba and real life. I like the way how you started off the story with a rather mundane and ordinary beginning, like how Jordan was forced to wake up, and you built the tension up slowly and you could just feel Jordan’s panic rising and I really like that, I love it when the writer makes the reader actually feel something. Your grammar is fairly decent but I see a few misplaced commas, though nothing major. Again like I said, this is a fresh new thing that I haven’t seen before and has marvellous potential :D Keep up the good work :)

Chance Encounter

What the hell, claimed :P

.:

I like the layout and the title, they are very compatible with the story :)

I found the summary to be very good, it gave a lot of information about the story and made me want to read it, it drew me in. As I suck at summaries I can recognize when I see a good one, and that was definitely good ^.^

I love your writing style and found the prologue very intriguing, in fact I might very well sub. It was very well written and painted the image in my mind without you telling me what it was , you made the story come alive with your words not forcing it along by trying to explain what is happening. My only real suggestion is to take out the number of times you mention the characters name, it detracts from the story as we already know his name form the first time you mention it. Not that you have to get rid of them all, just try to even it out some more. I have a problem with this as well, I've been trying to work on it, that's why I picked up on it.

In total your story and character so far sound very interesting and have latched onto my attention as a proper prologue should, great job :) Love this story.

Twins: It's only a prologue and a chapter so please read them both :P

Claim!
Love is blind.
It's no where near finished...

Wavebird:

What the hell, claimed :P

Twins: It's only a prologue and a chapter so please read them both :P

I like this idea! Although I was a bit confused at first. Why did he take the twins? I’d hate if that happened to me. You know, getting your children taken away from you. I know i’d blame myself somehow…
Anyway, Grammar is good, and your use of paragraphs, but make it clearer who is speaking. This is just my opinion, so don’t take personally. Nothings perfect. Hell, my story isn’t perfect. Read it if you want.
Continue this story! I might read on if you post more chapters! Good luck in your writing; I think you have great potential!

Claiming....(though I'm a bit iffy about that comment ^^, but it's 100 words, so.) commented.

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Chapter One
Our moms new each - knew

mom…” He - lower case 'h'

Tay...” He - lower case 'h'

He’s cute. (;D) - I don't think you need to add smiley faces in like that. Describe instead of using symbols...

possible!” My mom called - lower case 'm' because the description of who's talking is related to the dialogue.

know.” I - comma rather than a full stop.

‘kay?” He said, - lower case 'h'

Bye Ash.” I said. - comma instead of a full stop.

He teased in a - lower case 'h'

Chapter Two
you’re worthless" He - comma and lower case 'h'

they found out?!” I said, - question mark or exclamation mark, you don't need to use both.

tell…” He laughed. - lower case 'h'

it up.” He said. - comma and lower case 'h'

Goodnight son.” He said, - comma and lower case 'h.' I'm not sure I understand the time frame going on in this story. In the other chapter you said it was 10:43(?) and I assumed it was morning seeing as he spent the night over...And now he's gone home and his dad's saying goodnight to him?It doesn't make much sense at all.

“Yupp” - it's one 'p'

Ash..” She - lower case 's'

it.” I snapped. - comma instead of a full stop

in a sec.” Miss - same as above

at you.” I apologised - same as above

fine…” She mumbled - lower case 's'

Overall.
You need to invest in a beta, maybe post in the Editing + Proofreading thread or find someone who's willing to point out all of your errors because you've got a lot of them in your story at the moment.

- You need to use a comma after someone's speaking, mostly in the cases where you're explaining how the dialogue was said/who said it etc. You also need to remember that lower case letters follow a comma, question mark and exclamation mark.

- Also, this is an online reading thing, when you have dialogue you're meant to space it all out like:
"blah blah blah," she said.

"blah blah blah," he replied.
Spaces make it easier for the reader rather than huge chunks of text.

- You also mix up your tense a lot to the point that it just reads quite oddly. At first, in the first chapter, the first few lines were past tense then it went to present then it just fluctuated between the two. You need to figure out what tense you want to write in, then stick with it.

As for the story itself, I'm a bit iffy about it personally, just because it reads as a typical emo boy + girl relationship. You've got the 'bitch' character who hates them and vice versa for no apparent reason, you've got the emo boy who gets beaten up at home by his father and no one believes him regardless of the blatant injuries and the noises that are probably made when he's getting beaten up, and then the emo girl best friend who falls in love with him. I think it would work better if there wasn't this clique difference in the characters, because it's bordering on stereotypical. :/

I mean, I think you could take it somewhere with a kid being abused at home and his best friend trying to help him, but you just need to think it through a little more and really make it sound believable in a way. Maybe even post in the Story Brainstorming + Mentoring thread to get some help to bounce ideas off, because at the moment this story seems like it's just going to go in a typical path. :/

Anything from here or this :) (if it's the latter, could you read the last chapter? It kind of reads well on its own).

Claimed.

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First off, I love the banner and layout. I just needed to say that. There isn't a thing I would change!

You asked me to read the last chapter of this, and comment on it, because you think it reads well on its own. In terms of the content, I agree with you, but I was a little baffled by why the whole thing seems to be in italics. I checked the chapter before it, and it's not like that. Even for a flashback, this is a huge overuse of italics. I think that italics work for little flashback scenes, but if you're going to do something this extensive, don't bother with them. It's kind of unnecessary, and it's a bit much to look at. If you have to use something to flag for the reader that this chapter is taking place in a different time, just use context.

As for the rest of your content, I really like the level of detail you go into. I don't feel like it's boring, even though it isn't terribly descriptive. Rather, it's just a lot of fleshing-out. It makes it seem like a mature and thoughtful piece of writing, so well done with that.

The only thing I'd really suggest you do to improve it is have a read through it aloud, and get a sense of where the sentences are too big for one mouthful. I have this problem, too, so I sympathise, but there were places where a sentence could have been more succinct, without losing any of its meaning.

There were also just a few little things that might have been typos. For instance:

gave her time to be just her - gave her time to just be her?

moved to the door which - moved to the door, which?

When you've written a chapter this massive, going over it for the tiniest of nitpicks is a chore, but it's still something to keep in mind. You can never be too polished!

Anyway, this was a great piece of writing, and I wish you all the best with the story generally!

Blackletter, please?

Claimed.

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I like the layout, it seems very uplifting and I like the mixtures of the greens, it’s nice! I love green, haha. Hah, I love how the narrator bitches about the university being full of musty old books and hipsters, that’s exactly what I think about going to university. And I want to go to law school too :P

I was quite surprised to read about descriptions of the river, for some reason I expected Meyer to do some sort of soliloquy or rant about who he is, what he does etc. as I usually find that is the case with these types of stories. But no, it was quite different. I do like your descriptions of the river, they’re fantastic and they definitely paint a visual picture in your mind. I read all of the chapters since they’re so short and hah, I can just feel Meyer’s boredom leaping off the page but it does make me wonder why on earth did he choose to study law if he was so bored XD Hans sounds so boring, he sounds like the sort of boy if I spent too long in the company of, I would probably end up killing myself. Anyway, I’ll just move onto the con-crit. Your story definitely has potential but I think you come across as too wordy sometimes, you said that the story wasn’t very serious in the summary, but you use a little many complex words and they’re really not that necessary. A simpler word would suffice. Anyway, good job!

No Chance for Redemption (it's a gay original fiction a.k.a slash/boyxboy)

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First off, I love the layout and banner.

Secondly, oh wow.

I am amazed, blown away and horrified and so much all at once.

Your character was so, wow. I don't know how to say anything. I feel speechless.

If this character ends up sweet, I'll never figure out how. He's so much antagonism and anger and rage and so little sweetness and kindness that it's almost pathetic.

As for the writing, gorgeous. I loved reading it, every bit of it. I loved every single moment of it. I was worried at first, I'm just now doing my own half-slash story and so I'm pretty new to the whole thing. But, this was amazing and I am so glad that I had the priveldge of reading and reviewing it. The descriptions, comparisons and details were done more poetically that anything and that, personally, is what made it so wonderful.

Wonderful job, and I will be subscribing.

Chapter 4 (stand alone) of What They See If you'd like, though, you can review all four (they are all quite short.) Thanks.

claimed! :D

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For the most part, fantasy font is a big no-no. On firefox it looks pretty but on every other browser it's just really thick and hard to read. I'd just step away from that. And "cow thighs"... cows have really thin thighs, their bodies are really thick with little legs. That should probably be something else.

But that's just me being nit-picky, moving on to good things. I really thought the summary was really sad, and I think a lot of people could relate to her in some way or another because who hasn't felt really crappy about themselves? I really liked it. It's problems we all find within ourselves. :)

"“Good gall..." <- should that be good gall? Does that make sense? I would think Good god or something.

The way you piece these together is sort of confusing, I mean in an actual novel there wouldn't be authors notes telling these things. I'd mention it was Henry in the first chapter and be like "a month before that" or something at the beginning. Otherwise, I like the other chapters. They're short, but really, really sad. I can't believe he would say that. And the Christmas one was cute.

Alright, so, the last chapter. I really liked the imagery, it was good, especially the natural doors and whispering eyelashes part, I really liked that. I thought the nose tearing into a delicious apple was taking your poetic license a little too far, that just makes no sense. Maybe like, you sense of smell or something but otherwise no not really. Also you mixed up lose and loose.

I thought it was sad though, makes me wonder why he said those mean things about her. I'd definitely like to see his perspective on that. He seems really sweet though, other than that one chapter, kissing her and how torn he is on his sexuality, makes me wonder where you'll go with this, it's definitely not the conventional, normal story, aha.

It's good though. :)

hope smokes cheap cigarettes, s'il vous plait?

Claimed.

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Hmm, the layout is very simple so I’m guessing this story is one of those nitty-gritty down to earth stories that aren’t dressed up by pretty, flowery language, especially with the girl smoking picture yada yada. Me likey. The summary definitely enticed me into wanting to read your story, the Hope girl sounds strange but somehow, very awesomely badass and just cool.

Okay, I admit I was a little baffled in this story but that doesn’t matter because you’re the most amazing writer and this story is one of those where nothing is meant to make sense so it works. But aha, I was right about my impression of Hope being a badass. She sounds like one of those anarchists, one of those people who stand in street corners in front of a “No Smoking” sign and inhaling cigarettes furiously, not giving a fuck what people think of her. But seriously, I could totally imagine her as one of those people at those “Occupy Wall Street” protest thingies. I DON’T KNOW WHY. It seems as if she’d belong there nicely. But ANYWAY. I like the very first sentence she spoke, it just emphasises her bad-assery, rather than making her seem rude. BECAUSE IF SOMEONE SAID THAT TO ME IN REAL LIFE, I’ll be like, “What of it, bitch?” But she’s just cool, but cold at the same time. But yeah, I really like how she makes an impact on the narrator after just swapping a couple of sentences with him, and aww, it’s sad she walked away. D; You have a great way with words seriously, I can just imagine the setting, some weird dorky kid talking to this tall, thin beautiful girl who’s smoking furiously in some grungy city setting. THIS WOULD BE AWESOME DEVELOPED AS A FULL STORY. Anyway, good job <3

A Shift in Momentum

Claimed.

A Shift In Momentum:

Layout and Banner
There really isn't much to say about your layout and banner to be honest. They match perfectly and nothing clashes. I was a bit iffy with your banner having three photos of Caroline and one of Parker. Most blends I see have at least two of each character rather than having it three to one. The blend together nonetheless so it's not a problem. Just a personal opinion.

Summary
People never truly appreciate what they have until it's too late.

I agree with this phrase so much. Everyone else probably does too but there are people who really need to hear it. We take so much for granted and yet we wonder why it hurts so much when it's gone. I am sort of relating to a death or broken friendship with that. When I read your summary I got the impression that Caroline lost someone and Parker was trying to hold on to something he couldn't have.

If that's what was intended then I apologize for stating the obvious; if not well that's just me theorizing again. That's pretty much what I'm expecting from the story to be honest but I am curious as to how they will effect each others lives if at all. I kind of have my own ideas as to how it will go but I don't want to assume before I've finished reading. Most of the time I end up being wrong because the author adds a twist. I guess we'll see with this one yes?

Chapter One
"Wooden pew" gave it away that Caroline did in fact have a death occur. I'm going to assume this girl was a friend of hers. Again; I'm probably stating the obvious. This "he" that walked in is Parker I'm guessing (again) and from the sounds of it she doesn't have a nice past with him. Or maybe the deceased was his girlfriend and she just feels really sorry for him. The chapter was vague concerning him but from the his and him emphasis's there was something going on. Unless I'm way off and the deceased is a relative.

Chapter Two
Alright so I was off with Caroline and Parker's relationship.Simply friends even though it sounds like she has a small crush on him. Why else would she pay so close of attention while the other girls were talking to him and call him a "forbidden species". Boys/men aren't really that forbidden unless they're the object of someones fascination. I'm getting new ideas as to where this story might be going. I do sense someone fighting between the too in the near future though. This Paige individual isn't very kind. "wallowing - in - self - pity"? How much more insensitive can a person be? While pointing out this crush she could have left that part out.

Chapter Three
Denial; I take it Grace is what Parker won't let go of. It makes sense and it's also making me think the second to last chapter of this story will deal with how she died. The last one with the end of the funeral. Well; no that doesn't really make sense. It'd kind of kill the story if that happened. No what happens after her death? Just memories and conversations from before? It'd take away but at some point I know we'll at least learn what happened to her. Really? Kids be playing with firecrackers now? The trouble they'll get in if and when they get caught won't be good. It all seems like a fun laugh until you're giving statements the police men and possible facing a jail sentence. Still pretty funny and reckless stuff. Teenagers will be teenagers.

Chapter Four
He should just admit to Caroline that he isn't completely over Grace. He should accept it to; his life can only get better after that. Well in this case worse considering Grace dies. I regret saying that but it's part of the comment so it's staying. Caroline's life would be easier (with or without Grace) if she would just admit that she's interested in Parker. I hope I don't sound too callous saying that. It's really one load off of her chest. The drug excuse in order to hide your little white lie; everyone sees right though it. Paige is a bit nosy for my tastes but I guess that's a friends job. Mine were never like that so I probably shouldn't comment on it.Doesn't she wish those three inches were 0?

Chapter Five
Alright so I couldn't find much to say about this chapter. I apologize for that but it's how the cookie crumbles really. I kind of find it amusing that Parker thinks he'll get away the easy way out of his punishment if he tells his mom about the accident. His father will find out eventually. These dog jokes Caroling keeps making are funny too. Comparing a guy to a dog in order to attempt to kill his ego a little is always a bonus in conversations. As for her crush he may think it's this Colin Ullman individual but I still think she likes him. It's another one of those assumptions.

Chapter Six
a) If not, Parker would figure out that she was in love with him and that was definitely not okay.

b) Which in turn would lead to him freaking out and it would probably mean the end of their friendship.

Aha! I win and so does everyone who has read the story before me and will read it after wards. She could get luck and he won't freak out and end the friendship. Having a crush on your best friend usually ends up all awkward turtle and judging (again) from the first chapter it doesn't look like it works out anyway. Unless I missed the hidden notation that once Grace died they were still talking and associating with each other even if it was to grieve. It always sucks when friendships end over simple awkward situations that could easily be solved.

Part of me is like "Tell him. Now. Get it over with." but the other- well know all of me is saying that. He must be oblivious because I can't see her being any more obvious unless she did in fact say something. Kind of like one of those "get on with it" things but you can't rush a story. He'll figure it out eventually.

“Me? I’m the bad driver? Whose car is in the ditch?”

I may have been amused at several parts of your story but this line actually made me laugh out loud. That you for that. Um did they call a tow truck or something? Other drivers would probably get worried or suspicious if they saw a random vehicle crashed in a ditch.That sucks that he ignored her like that. How can he be missing this many signs from her? Is he that oblivious? I'd say it was unheard of with the male population but then I would be lying.

It's quite obvious that they are and the ones who aren't are just too quiet. Grace. That's a real mood killer and I don't think Caroline's attitude was wrong at all. I think Parker needs to chill out and read the silent messages she's giving off. He needed to hear the truth as well. I'm guessing this is what draws them apart before Grace's death makes it worse.

Overall
Overall this is really good so far. I didn't see any mistakes or get confused. Granted I have quite a few assumptions as to how this will end running around in my brain. I like a story that makes me think. Very nice and it certainly deserves all of it's stars to.

Heaven Help Us.

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Claimed.

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Interesting picture, the blood dripping off the person’s lips was quite eerie but I have a feeling that was the effect you were going for. XD

Your descriptions are fantastic and I really could feel myself getting chills as I read your work, especially how you described the still night in the first paragraph. Like, you know everything’s all quiet and still and strangely peaceful yet you know at any minute, the stillness is going to be disrupted. For some reason, when I read about the paranormal creature roaming the night, I thought it was going to be a werewolf, probably because werewolves are slaves to the moon, and I’ve seen so many new concepts where vampires manage to avoid being burnt by the sun so they walk around during the day, blah blah. Aww, poor girl. I just wanted to tell her to run but what’s the point? :P No matter how past you run, the freaky supernatural thing will always catch up with you, aha. I like the fact that you don’t exactly specify what sort of creature the thing is, it just kinds of add that element of mystery and suspense to the whole thing. This was well written, great job!

A Shift in Momentum

Claimed

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Firstly I would like to say this is excellent. You pulled me in with about two lines.
There were just a few things about the sentences that I noticed (but i’m not the best judge so just ignore me if they are useless)
Prolouge
You over used the word she a bit much, it would flow better if you tried and used different words or change the structure of those sentences so She wasn't needed (this I only know because I make the same mistake about 99% of the time)
figure adorned in long, flowing robes and his arms outstretched.
the 'and' kind of ruined the flow of this sentence for me. I think it would work better as long flowing robes his arms outstretched (or with his)
and a member of the congregation
In my experience during funerals emphasise is always put on the importance of the person. it would sound more real if the priest said a cherished member of the congregation (or something similar)
I’ve only read the prologue so far because I would like to just read this because it is wonderful, so I shall comment more at a later date

we live to dance

I've gone back and commented on the rest of the story

Claimed.

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First off, you've got some issues with grammar (especially commas), so I'd suggest you either get a beta/editor or try to learn the rules of grammar a little better and be your own beta. It's not too difficult and it would make your story one hundred times more readable, thus attracting more readers and freedback. I hope that didn't make me sound mean. :/

But even through the grammatical errors, I could still feel the emotions behind your words. (: This girl is obviously heartbroken over the loss of her best friend. You portray her grief well. The way you write is unique, in its own little way. How you don't really use dialogue, but it's kind of in there anyway. I like stuff like that.

I like how she reflects on her friendship with Rita and just who Rita was as a person, because it just makes it all the more sad. By doing this, you make Rita an actual person instead of just a character that died. The end is great, when she points out that yes, she's allowed to cry. But she's going to live, because that's what Rita would have wanted.

Good job with this. (:

Bat Shit Crazy
In the spirit of Halloween.

eight letters late.:

Claimed.

Bat Shit Crazy
In the spirit of Halloween.

Claimed!

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First opening the story, the banner was very interesting, and offered up quite the interesting attention-grabber.

I did have to read through the story a few times, to kind of understand what was exactly going on, outside of knowing it is a Halloween-based story. One thing that I especially liked, was that you allowed the characters to connect with the reader by sharing similar thoughts, and relating experiences that some may have gone through or experienced themselves.

You have a way with words, pulling the readers into the story. Mostly the details, and vivid description/imagery was very excellent, which is something I think several Mibbians lack! It's supposedly "all about the dialogue", but I think this was something you just blew my mind with.

The way the story appeared to be real, with emphasis on parts. Emma being on her own, the thoughts she had, the emotions she felt, we could see, which really added depth to the story. How you turned the story around, I had no idea, but it was very humourous. Devyn is very amusing, but Emma is thoroughly developed.

Awesome job! :)

Without Doubt
It is hockey, and I've been stuck for forever on whether it's good so far, or not. Don't want to go on farther if the first bit is not good. :)

Claimed.

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So, to begin with, I don't know how appropriate a Joseph Stalin quote is if this is about sports in America. That's your call, and it doesn't go to the substance of the story, but just to me, it looks a bit suss. The rest of your quotes are also pretty eclectic, but I think they're fine. Star Trek, for instance, is quintessentially American, rather than the opposite of that.

I have to say also that I really like your chapter titles. They give me a bit of a feel for what's going down before I read each segment, which helps to draw me in.

Now, onto the actual chapters.

You mentioned that you're worried about whether this is any good. I wouldn't be. Generally, I think you have a knack for painting images, and defining characters. I wouldn't say that this is boring to read at any point. Occasionally, you could break up your sentences for a bit of fluidity. For example, as your very first line, you have this:

I watched the object of my affection skate around our half of the ice at the American Airlines Center, racing Adam Burish, and seeing who could spray more ice onto Sean Avery each time they passed, further infuriating the left winger that she would be up against tonight.

I would probably chop that in half at some point, maybe before you get to 'infuriating'.

A few other sentences, like this one, also don't read quite right:

I had always found the American women beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, Finnish women were gorgeous, but they just didn’t compare.

Maybe it's a syntax issue, and you should rephrase? I'm not sure.

Other than that, though, I think you write well. You certainly seem to have an idea in mind, and everybody in this story has a personality. The only thing that might stop you from attracting a wider audience is the fact that you seem to rely on your readers having some hockey knowledge in order to enjoy this. For instance, you refer to players names, and then compare your characters to those players as a means of describing them.

That's not necessarily a problem. It just means that you'll be writing mainly for people who are like you, rather than for everybody.

You also introduce a bit of drama early on, which is good.

The last thing I have to comment on is the way you break up your chapters into different people's points of view. Personally, I don't find that appealing, but as long as it's what your audience wants, then, again, I don't see why it should pose problems for you.

Good luck with writing the rest of this story!

The Sea Breathes, please?

Claimed!

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I always like your layouts, they’re always nice yet fantastically simple and not over done at all. The background really matches with the picture for some reason, because the ripping, wavy bits just reminds me of the ripping of the sea. I also really like the personification you used in the summary to describe the sea. It’s so raw and real and it really does describe it perfectly. It highlights the fact that the narrator is in love with the sea, at the way how the sea obviously means a lot to her/him because of the loving, almost caressing way of how they speak of it. I also like your chapter titles, they’re really relevant to the theme of your story and I just love it when everything matches perfectly :D

I already mentioned this before, and I’m pretty sure I mentioned it on previous stories of yours that I have commented on, but your descriptions are really fantastic. No joke, they truly are. I’ll definitely say that’s your strength, and I’m really envious of that. You immediately paint a picture of what his surroundings look like in the reader’s head, of his/her cute little wooden cottage on a large stretch of the beach. Like the commenter above me, your writing style reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe as well. It’s really lovely but I don’t know, it has a darker, haunted feel to it and I’m getting the impression that the narrator’s obsession with the sea is not healthy. XD

I see that my muse is also an artist. Here, amidst rocks and sunken gullies teeming with life, she has crafted a city.

Fantastic line, I’ve never actually thought of the sea being like that but now that you mention it, you’re actually right. This is really great, well done!

Chance Encounter

claimed

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the first chapter really got my hooked on this story. it's left me with a lot of questions which I shall be waiting to be answered.
There was only one thing that could do with revising
only to hear no reply and to ask the ginger-haired kid living across him from the hall whose name Tomas had never bothered to remember.
this sentence didn't flow as well as the others, it might flow better as living across the hall from him
the second chapter was well written and full of emotion. You could really get a sense of Tomas’s confusion about his friend’s death. I would have liked to have known more about his conversation with the dean, perhaps what was going through Tomas’s mind, or any possible moral comments from the dean seeing as some very conservative Christians believe suicide to be a sin.
But the was well written as it was and I’m looking forward to reading more

We Live to Dance

Claimed.

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I think this story would benefit greatly if you got a beta/story editor because there are so many grammatical errors I’m having a hard time reading it. Some of the things are like you use ‘where’ twice when it should be ‘were’. ‘Morning’ instead of ‘mourning’. There are also a lot of commas missing.

The second paragraph I’m very confused on what it’s trying to say. I suggest going back and re-wording some of the sentences.

Instead she tried every other stereotype, from smoking behind the bike sheds to wearing black and making everything dramatic, but when she stepped into the chemistry lab and started playing all of her acting fell away and she was just Rita, the girl who could make the formation helium sound like a fairy tale. She was still the logical ordered Rita I loved though. She told me off for being late nearly as much as Mr Barnes. Look Sir my skirts the regulation length.

I think you should be “‘she was still the logical ordered Rita I loved, though” so it comes before how she acts in the chemistry lab. It would flow better.

Other than that I like the way you organized this story; it feels like the narrator is speaking directly to the readers. It makes you feel connected like you knew Rita, too. I did feel the narrator's pain. I also like how the story ended kind of bitter sweet. Obviously it’s a sad story, but in a way it ended happily.

The White City, please.