Story Comment Swap

Claimed.

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I really liked your summary and the statement about running away, it really makes you think. I see a lot of people go, “Oh, running away is for cowards who can’t face their problems,” so it’s quite interesting to see a story who has a different take on running away. It also piqued my interest because it made me wonder what happened to Dahlia to make her run away from all the problems in her life and how the past manages to catch up with her.

Epilogue? Don’t you mean prologue? Because epilogues go at the end, unless if this is one of those start at the end stories which goes back to the start.

Guns n Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle comes on the speakers and a bolt of electricity… You should italicise the song title, or put quotations around the song title. I’m not sure why you’re supposed to do that, but it’s like, a rule of English that you have to show it’s a title so yeah.

Ooh, this is getting interesting. It makes me wonder why Dahlia just up and left and ran away from all of her problems. I feel bad for Skreet for being left behind and having to clean up her messes. It made me wonder what went wrong with Dahlia’s family, as I suspect they’re the reason why she left ;o Good job so far :D

Chance Encounter

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The title is interesting, though it reminds me of something a bit cliché, although it is nowhere near that!

But this is not what I expected; it's better. I really liked the prologue, and the whole dark feel to it. I didn't expect anything to happen right away!

I like your writing style, since it isn't just a whole bunch of fragmented sentences (other than dialogue, because people don't speak in complete sentences all the time) and rambling junk; this is actually pretty good, although some of the cussing seems a bit unnecessary.

It caught my interest, though, and overall I did like the style, and I wonder what will come next.

Spectrivore

Claiming. :) commented.

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FIRST. :) I like the layout. I like how dark it is and how that might definitely indicate the mood of the story. I also like that you haven't used a whole lot of patterns and that the banner is pretty low-key compared to some stories on Mibba. There's no competition and the story is more of the focus here.

Summary: It really matches the layout. It gives off that dystopian vibe and that's possibly one of my favourite genre's of literature. :) I think it's neat how you start off with something like Welcome to the Wasteland, welcome to the no-man’s-land - both really denote that tone of an emptiness, that space between the two worlds you go on to talk about - the civilized and the monstrous. I also like how in the summary, while you present the civilized, the monstrous and the war between them, you also mention Seven Cities and the fact there was an eighth, that kind of also makes me feel like there's more to the story than the war - like what happened to this eighth city?

Anywho, it's also making me think of Global Inequality, so I think claiming this might work in my favour over studying for a little bit. ;)

Chapter One
and still other, less aristocratic parts, were made of glass, constructed in a mosaic - this makes me wonder why glass wasn't more of an aristocratic thing. Like are the stronger parts more suitable because they're less likely to buckle under an attack or is there some other reason? Just a curiosity. :)

the wilds that - I think 'wild' would be better, just because 'wild' would usually mean anything considered wild at all. Making it plural reads a little funny. :/

He would kill a baku, - just as a point: I thought as I read this that you were missing a paragraph or a few about a person who had entered your narrative because of the word 'he' beginning the sentence. Then I thought it might be reference to the 'wall' and then I read the following lines:
The living, breathing, human leaned against the wall, age-old graffiti surrounding his shadow like great, colorful wings. and now I'm not sure if there is a missing piece about a human before his mention, if the wall is a human or if there's something else entirely different going on here. I'm in a state of confusion right now...

and after refilling—or, at least, partially refilling, since he would be back—hole, - you need to add in 'the' before hole otherwise the sentence reads like and after refilling hole,...doesn't quite flow as it should.

and diurnal that plenty of - 'where' might better replace 'that'.

light—that burned through expensive chemical mixtures—would - you don't even need to have the '-' in there, it actually reads quite well with no punctuation. I think it's unnecessary punctuation actually. Also in the latter part of the sentence: not last very I think it would read better without 'very' in there.

the illusive - elusive?

he had wrong or did not accomplish this wild task, than the baku would consume both his hopes and dreams - if he had it wrong? and in the later part of the sentence, 'then' rather than 'than.'

than may take his soul - 'then' here as well, also if you go back and read that sentence, it feels a little incomplete, like a few words are missing or something.

tall tree with branches that would hardly sustain his own weight and began to climb it, - this here is also a little confusing. Why is he climbing a tree that would hardly sustain his own weight? Unless I've read it wrong in my head....

unconsciously grasping at out to - take 'at' out. :)

enticement link a - like?

fell, towards the skull of the beast, - you don't need the comma after 'fell'

into a tree, which was - I'm also thinking you don't need a comma there, and then I'm wondering if 'which' or 'that' is better if there's no comma.

helpless as baby - as a

ever-moving, maze of - also don't need the comma there.

there was chaos. The world had changed; it had begun. - this is possibly the best line ever. I don't even know if you're aware, and it would be pretty golden if you weren't, but in Greek Myth, Chaos created the world. :) Chaos began the world. And this is possibly just neat in the sense that if you knew Greek myth, it sounds pretty lovely and it makes sense, and if you didn't, well it'd just read like a normal kind of line. :) But if you didn't know: there's a neat new thing you've got going on in your story. :) and in relation to the following lines, Chaos broke the world apart (I think?) so the shadows thing also relates really well. :)

I think it's an interesting first chapter. :) I just think you need to go to that part where you first introduce an 'He' and see if there's something you've missed or if you have to add things in. Other than that; I like the description and how you place that emphasis on the baku, what they do, what the man's hunting, how he's hunting and the price he has to pay. I also like how you describe the people in the No Man's Land, the Wasteland, and it relates back to the summary really well...and how you've described them. It's as if they're soulless, so there can't be more to them and that's why they're in a Wasteland, because essentially they're just wasting away. I think it's pretty good how the name ties in and how it gives a very good reason to have such a Wall and to stay away from the monsters outside. :)

Chapter Two
a slim, scowling muttered - in this sentence, is scowling meant to be the act of scowling or is it a name? Because if you add it to the rest of the sentence: “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” a slim, scowling muttered at the boy sitting at the table who was virtually ignoring him, calmly sipping soup from a spoon. it either feels like something's missing or there's a missing capital letter to signify a pronoun or something to show there's another subject. * okay, I think he's meant to be elf?

was this right - possibly missing 'the'?

had dug right under of the - don't need 'of' in there :) you could also change 'under' to 'underneath' maybe?

had been expecting…something else. - and had been....?

she was wearing a boy’s clothes, - I don't think you need 'a' in there.

through the hole, to the other side - also don't need a comma here.

he looked up, but did not respond, even when she suddenly released the hand, which landed on the table with a thump, as if it were lifeless. - I'm iffy about the use of comma's here. I feel like the first one's okay, and possibly the last one, but I'm not sure about the rest. :/ Maybe read it a few times and see where they might not necessarily be needed.

had put it safely out of reach, in the case that he try to kill himself again. - 'out of reach in case he tried to kill himself again' flows a little better.

as letting the words sink in, - don't need 'as' in there.

Take him, then; - also don't need a comma there.

that she had seen in the paper: come are - I don't know if it's because we don't know what was in the paper, but is it 'come are' or are there words missing at all? If not, it'll be interesting to see what that even means. :)

Chapter Three
She scuttled back, against - also don't need a comma there

poured in, like a river in a - same as above.

The light spilled over a faces - don't need the 'a'?

Overall
I think it's a pretty interesting idea for a story. :) I like that it's a fantasy world and that there are restrictions set about to keep people safe, that there's a University in the City Centre that possibly has some deeper purpose, that there's a wild outside where people could end up as soulless people wandering around a wasteland. It's a neat idea. :)

I also like how you haven't really gone back to explain the person in the first chapter (unless I've missed it completely and you have), but I like how you're setting up another plot as you go along, and that it might lead to the other one and there'll be a conflict or something of the sorts. :) I just like that he wasn't the main focus and there's some other things that need to go on first. :)

I also think the time this place is set in is different. Like I can't decide how far back it would be or how far forward it would be if there was a particular authority in charge long enough to take the world back to a different time. I just think it's interesting.

It's kind of reminding me of The Village and then the Dementors in HP. :) But it's still different. :)

anything from here or this. Whichever tickles your fancy. :)

Claiming!

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You need to work on your capitalization, comma usage, and how you format your embedded dialogue. It still reads correctly, but there are little grammatical errors that are sporadically obvious throughout. The first paragraph is definitely an example of what I mean.

["And Mike will pull Vince into a hug and he’ll just hold onto him, and by the time he’s let him go, you know he’s shed his tears.] You might want to chop that line up a bit, into maybe two sentences. It interrupts the fluidity and emotion you were conveying at the time.

[“It’s okay daddy,” he said, leaning in to rest his head against Vic’s. Vic reached out and pulled his son in closer and tighter for a hug.] Again, with the commas and capitalization. It's just little things.

It's definitely cute, with an extremely deep meaning behind it, I would like to think. It'd be interesting to know more about the actual plot line. Keep it up!

This one :)

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You made me sad right at the beginning by mentioning Burish. I’m a Blackhawks fan and I was all, “Nooo, I don’t want to read about him!” because I miss him. Haha.

Adam tried tripping him, but luckily for as, the refs didn’t see.
^ I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to say ‘us’?

spacejunkie had mentioned that you rely on readers having prior knowledge in hockey, while I think you did a decent job having enough description where it’s pretty clear what’s going on – even with the hockey terms thrown in. Even with throwing other names in I think it’s fairly clear. Like with this:

Holly Luich and Adam Burish were like the re-invented Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish. Attached at the hip, constantly causing problems for Coach Crawford. Joe, our GM, adored the duo, and let them get away with murder.

That pretty much describes it right there; the readers don’t really need to know any more.
I’d suggest, though, giving Holly more description when Kari talks about how he likes American women. The stereotypical American women many people think about is very different than the American woman hockey player in both physical and mental attributes.

Good first chapter.

The White City, please.

Liars' Pants On Fire:

saint mungo.:

Directions

• Make a post claiming the story of the person above you.
• Read the story and write your comment.
• Edit your post here - adding the comment and leaving a link for the story you'd like commented.

**Do not post here unless you can comment the piece within a couple hours.

You shouldn't post your story link until you've commented on what you've claimed...otherwise it just gives you an opportunity to bail on a claim and receive a comment.

Follow the rules!~

Spaztastic:

The White City, please.

Claimed.

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The summary is really good. You offer up a different perspective on "running away". I like that. Because I've always thought that, you know what? Sometimes the smartest thing to do is give up and move on. So I liked that you gave that perspective on it, instead of the same old, same old.

Ha. Okay. I can definitely relate to this girl. I used to share an apartment with a few people and I never wanted to befriend any of them. And I felt like they rejoiced whenever I left. So you've done two things. 1) Made your character relatable and 2) by extension of number one, given me a connection to your character. That's a really good thing to do. ;D

I found a few mistakes throughout this, such as this: "You look much pretty with that hair." Pretty should be prettier. And toward the end: "I spent years trying to wash away the memories, but now they just came flooding back." Came should be come, because this entire thing is in present tense. Also, when she was talking with Sarah, I didn't really like the part where you wrote out her thoughts in italics. It may just be me, but it seems like an amateur thing to do. You could convey those thoughts in a less blatantly obvious way.

But I really enjoyed reading this! You're good at drawing me in. It's what you write, yes, but it's also how you write it. How you made the scene unfold. You could have just made her walk into the bar, see Skeet, and that's that. But you were creative about it - you seem to know how to accentuate your ideas through your writing, so it's as exciting to read as possible. I just really like your writing style and it seems like you know exactly what you're doing with this. I'm gonna subscribe. <3

You Are Cordially Not Invited
I'm especially looking for some feedback on the ending. (:

Whiskey Hands;:

You shouldn't post your story link until you've commented on what you've claimed...otherwise it just gives you an opportunity to bail on a claim and receive a comment.

I had to get out of class, and literally just posted the comment, as soon as I could get back. It did say 'within a few hours', and I certainly don't believe in just letting someone comment, without a comment to the claimed story. But I definitely read it wrong, posting the link before the comment. Sorry for that!

eight letters late.:

Follow the rules!~

You Are Cordially Not Invited
I'm especially looking for some feedback on the ending. (:

Claimed.

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Ahaha, I admit I love to read stories about the ‘other woman’. Far too often you read the story about the girl who got played, but you hardly ever read a story about the other girl that the guy cheats on the guy with or the one that’s doing the cheating. An interesting concept when executed well, and I can definitely say I am most definitely interested on by just your summary already!

Aww, I feel bad for Remi. I do, I’m guessing that she was the one who was cheated on and her former flame had taken up with the other woman for good and is going to marry her, and from the title, I’m guessing she is not invited to the wedding. Ouch! XD But dayumm, she’s gonna call up Robin (which I have deduced is the other woman) and start screaming at her. Holy cliffhanger to the end of chapter one, but luckily there’s chapter two to fall back on, aha.

I write the same time as I read and I applaud you for leading me to think in a totally different direction, that Remi and Robin were both the other girls in the relationship and that Blake had been screwing them both at the same time when he was engaged to some other lady ;o Damn, that’s gonna get messy. Haha.

You have a very entertaining, comedic writing style and this has great potential :D Keep it up! <3

False Pretenses

the power of justice:

False Pretenses

Claimed.

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The first thing is the layout which I think is done very, very beautifully. I love how all the colors tie together, especially with the font of the chapter title. Also the blend in the picture is really pretty as well. I don't think there is really anything that I dislike about the layout. As for the summary, the first thing that jumps out at me is my least favorite cliché—the whole 'girl likes boy, boy hates girl' thing. Then as you continue reading the summary it pulls you in and makes you forget about it. The color/font/size/ of the line before and after the summary really pulls me in, too. It gives it more of an elegant feel, or sophisticated feel.

He could feel the girl pushing against him, and she threw her arms around his neck and began to dig her right hand through his messy dark hair.
This line sounds a little weird to me. I think it's because you use 'and' two time in the same sentence with not that much distance between them. I think it would sound better if you got rid of the first 'and', adding an 'as' instead. But that's just my opinion. Honestly, I think it's fine either way. It would just sound a tad better to me.

He withdrew his hand quickly after seeing flies guarding it, its partner in crime being a million tiny ants.
This is my favorite line in the chapter. This is the line that does it for for the description. I think any reference to bugs in toilet area paints a pretty vivid picture of what this place is like. Overall I like all of the description, mostly when he is getting sick. I always find my writing awkward when I'm trying to make one of my character vomit.

The introduction of who I am guessing is Penelope is amazing. It give you an instant feel of the character and it all just seems so random. Then you add Christian's reaction to the situation just leads to an amazing first meeting.

Dum Dum Boys

Claimed.

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Firstly, love the layout for this. It's nice and simple, but evocative, and it doesn't get in the way of what I'm trying to read.

I think your first paragraph is also a successful one, both in terms of it being immersive and explaining things. I really liked the way you used sensory information -the way things sounded and felt as well as the way they looked- to build up your descriptions. Additionally, you got a basic overview of the setting, and an idea in your character's head, as well as some justification for what he is doing. I felt that this was a good opening.

Throughout the rest of the only chapter you have up, you are fluid, and your work is generally polished. Occasionally, you tend towards being tedious with your descriptions- there's no need for us to know what everything literally looks and sounds like. General impressions and striking imagery are better, I think, and sometimes you use unnecessary details.

For example, this:

My mind drifted off to the life before this—before drugs, before molded pizza, before springs cutting your favorite and very few shirts.

Is better than this:

my feet moving quickly beneath me towards the person

However, descriptions that tend towards the obvious are still better than being too sparse, and I do appreciate the level of depth you have put into constructing your scenes.

There also isn't much in the way of errors, possibly because I see you have an editor. The one line that struck me as needing adjustment was this one:

“Hey,” I called, my feet moving quickly beneath me towards the person, “are you okay?” I asked as I kneeled down beside them, grabbing them behind their elbow, trying to help them up.

I would probably split that into two sentences, so that it reads more like it would be spoken. The second sentence could begin with 'Are'.

Other than that, there isn't really much I can say at this point. I found it a bit unsettling to be reading a first-person story where I'm still not sure what potential forms the plot might take by the end of the first chapter. Everything is just kind of up in the air, and slightly chaotic, since the character hasn't done much reflecting yet. I personally think it would have been better to include some kind of hook, because although I can't tell what the future chapters will be like, I also feel like I should be given incentives to invest myself in the story earlier. I don't like having to give you the benefit of the doubt.

This is higher-level criticism, though, and I'm only making it because you seem to have mastered most of the basic stuff.

Good luck with the rest of this story!

The Shroud, please?

Claimed!

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I always like your layouts, they’re fantastically simple and they create quite a pleasing effect on the eyes without it being too overdone or gaudy. I just wanted to say for your very first sentence in the summary about it being like Franz Kafka’s story, I think it could be in smaller writing or at the very bottom, like a disclaimer? Because it looks as if it’s part of the summary at first glance and yeah. But that’s just my personal preference.

I also really like the fact that the story is set in Japan, it brings more diversity to most of the stories I see on Mibba, and the lack of ethnic diversity in stories on Mibba (or in general!) is quite worrying since most of us live in Western countries, haha. Anyway, I like the concluding line of the summary, it lets the reader know shit’s gonna happen and it just brings chills down my spine, in anticipation of what might happen next ;o

I really like the fact how you described the mist, you immediately get the impression that the mist is an evil thing, something to be feared. You use a lot of sophisticated words and you use a lot of descriptions, aha. I would personally ease up on the ‘big’ words, I mean, you use them in the right context and everything, but I dunno, simpler words could suffice and it just makes the reader visualise things more easily, as they won’t be overwhelmed by the complex language.

This is off to a good start, and I wish you luck with this! :D

False Pretenses

Claiming!

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Immediate thought after the first glance: the layout is gorgeous. I totally in love with the mystery and drama around the banner photo and just generally how the soft colors match. Very elegantly composed :) The font is maybe a tad bit too light, but I think that's just my eyes, tbh. I still think the colors are great together.

Okay, the summary is super interesting; I love reading about opposites and what you've written here gives me a lot of interesting hints without saying too much.

As for the chapter, I like being thrown right into a kissing scene right from the first paragraph. Haha. Insta-action is always a favorite with me, whatever kind of action it is. I just gotta say that I'm also loving the description of the disgusting bathroom, mostly because my mind was immediately fooled into thinking this was actually a superhot hooking up after a cocktail party or something, and the contrast was just so striking I was left a little surprised. So yeah, I'm definitely loving the whole fast-paced change and how you describe it. I'd like to point out that I also really like how you put "damn" and "double damn" in the descriptions of what's going on with Christian in the bathroom – there was just something comical about that.

I absolutely love the girl, who I am guessing is Penelope. He wondered whether if she was insane, cold, excited or needed to pee. Or a combination of all four. More organic humor, which is also a very nice way to describe her; it fits with how I perceive her so far. I’m enjoying the subtle humor thrown in here and there in this though, and also how it reads very naturally.

Very curious as to why she needs to blackmail him right now so I'm subscribed. Great start! Keep up the good work :)

While She Was Asleep, please :)

Claimed.

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I really like the summary - it introduces the characters just enough to draw me in, and leaves me wanting more. The banner is great too. I really like the words!

You've probably heard this before (at least I hope so), but your imagery is just wonderful. Marvelous. Just in the first few paragraphs, I already knew you had a way with words. It's delightful to read, because you kind of take these normal things and make them sound interesting. You take normal sayings and twist them just a little, enough to make them your own. "The day itself seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed."

I like the theme you have through this. At least, what you have so far. You kind of personify sunshine and its light. I really liked that, and it's a good theme to stick to through the whole thing. Just sticking it in a few places, reminding the reader, keeping it consistent. I like stuff like that.

I think this chapter was a good way to introduce the characters, while keeping things simple. But also interesting. Simple does not always mean interesting. But you did it here. It's so sad, but also beautiful. Most beautiful things are sad, I think. I feel for this girl. I've never heard of Chronic fatigue syndrome, but I already find it infinitely interesting. “I’ve been asleep for half a year now,” she would whisper to him during her better days. “Can you even believe that, Alex? Half a year. I’m sleeping my life away.” ;__;

You do a great job showing how mental disorders can affect everyone who's close with that person. A lot of stories on here touch on depression, or even have depression at the core of the story, but they don't show how it affects everyone. You do a wonderful job on that. I love these two. <3 You've made them so real, I almost feel like I'm an intruder. Great job on this! I hope you continue, because this chapter was brilliant. (:

Walk On Me
I would really appreciate constructive criticism. (:

Claimed.

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I really like the minimalistic thing you’ve got going on in your layout, like how everything’s black and white. It looks neat and lovely, and I also like that you combined two different coloured wood backgrounds, I’ve never seen anyone use two different wood backgrounds at the same time, but somehow it just works perfectly for you :D

Your one-shot/drabble is very short, and as usual with most one-shots/drabbles, they do confuzzle me but that’s just me and it’s got nothing to do with your writing as I’m easily confused and I need a lot of time to regather my thoughts, hah.

But wow, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end, for the narrator to just be a floor. I thought it was going to be some crazy kid who just snaps and kills people, so the twist was clever, I like it! I really like your use of imagery and personification, and even though the floor is an inanimate object, I feel bad for it, with all the countless people walking all over it and taking it for granted, even when it has a warning not to walk across it, and it just – I suppose you could say – snapped. It’s clever, and even though the commenter above you mentioned it was a lot of telling and not showing, I think it worked well with this story as it’s more like rambling about what happened, than being in the midst of the action. Well done, this was a good piece :D

False Pretenses

Claimed.

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First things first- love the layout! It's subtle but colourful, and it doesn't distract from what I'm trying to read. I also thought that the summary was very effective. The first paragraph really sums up what I'm expecting to read, but is open-ended enough that I still want to read it. The only thing about the summary that I'd change is this line:

They might be able to learn something new about tomorrow, after they figure out how to end their problems on their own.

I don't think 'end' is the right word there. A problem is something that you solve more than you end.

I also like the way the first and only chapter you have up starts out. It's excellent that you're introducing us to these characters at the point where something dynamic is happening- in this case, their kiss. There are also suggestions about what has happened directly prior, as with 'the drink on her breath'. I think this is much more interesting than if you had shown us each character separately, and then had them meet at a later point in time. I suspect at this stage that a lot of their story is going to be told retrospectively.

The first chapter is a good length, but I think your narration becomes a bit tedious at points. While description is good, a lot of what you have here boils down to, 'He did this, then he did that, then he did this.' I prefer to be shown rather than told what is happening in stories, and I think that imagery that makes use of all five senses would be suitable for a story like this.

This said, I did enjoy the parts where we actually get insight into Christian's thoughts, and I think you end the chapter on an intriguing note.

The Shroud, please?

Claimed :)

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First off, the layout is great. I love it. When I first saw the banner picture I was like "Oh my god, what a weird heap of skulls" but then I saw it was more interesting than that. Either way, I love the picture, and also the colors you've chosen for the rest of the layout. It all fits very well :)

I liked the summary (the first sentences about Kafka distracted me a little though; I don't know, maybe put that part in italics or insert a border/divider underneath?). First of all I was very pleased about the setting being in Japan (also I immediately thought about Asian horror movies), I don't come across that in many stories on here, and secondly it reeled me in, especially that last sentence. Besides, mist and strange people are always interesting, and together with the title, this seems great so far.

I like your writing style. Honestly, I only like the use of "flowery" words when they're not used too much, and you do use words like that a lot in the first chapter, but in a way I'm also enjoying how elegant and fluent it is. It noticed that it took me a little bit longer to read (maybe I'm just slow, haha), but at the same time I think that for this story and theme you've got, it fits. Besides that, the imagery is wonderful and so is your choice of words. I like the focus on this mysterious ghost mist, it seems very eerie and almost evil to me. And with the fast-paced first chapter I'm immediately wondering what's going on – why the character is injured and what he's running from.

I'm enjoying the contrasts between the first and second chapter, and I'm also enjoying the setting; together with the way you write I get such a formal vibe from the entire thing, which I'd actually somewhat expected from this story. So on that note, you've done a good job in capturing the customs/culture :) Also, the last few lines of chapter two sparked some more curiosity from me – I'd definitely be surprised to.

Overall, you've done a great job so far! Keep up the good work!

While She Was Asleep, please :)

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This was brilliant, the description made me feel not only like I could see what Alex say but I could also feel what he felt in reaction to everything. The way you described how he felt about looking after April, being the strong one, and the despair he felt when everything felt real. Sometimes when writing about depression people are tempted to be over dramatic in order to get their point across but you managed to retain a sense of reality while also managing to convey the emotion. I really look forward to reading more of this, it is a story that will stick in my mind.

We Live To Dance

Claimed.

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This story was written really well, the way you wrote it and the point of view was really clever and unique. I love the way you started talking to other people during the story and how at the beginning you didn’t mention Rita had passed on. I only realized she was gone when you said you went to the graveyard to say good bye to your best friend. At first it was a little confusing and difficult to understand, but I suppose after reading it properly you understand what it’s about. It really felt like you were talking directly to the readers, and overall it was a pretty amazing piece, very emotional and full of feeling. Well done!

Abnormal Love

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I’m honestly not a fan of the layout, but that’s just my personal preference, I’m not very fond of premade layouts. Judging from the summary, I’m guessing that it’s going to be a Waycest? I don’t follow My Chemical Romance but I do know that Gerard and Mikey are brothers, haha. I recommend putting a disclaimer in the summary saying that it is incest, because some people may be uncomfortable with that and you should at least warn them, y’know?

I’m not a fan of second person very much at all, but I must say it isn’t too bad in your story. You can just feel the love that Mikey has for his brother just radiating off him even though he doesn’t explicitly say that he loves his brother, you tell it through his actions and inner dialogue rather than stating it out aloud, well done. He has a kind of woe-is-me attitude towards Gerard, but that’s understandable, and I like the bittersweet undertone you’ve got going on, especially when you delve back into past memories.

I don’t have much criticism, just that you might want to slow down and expand some parts, you move a bit too fast in some parts, especially when Mikey was put in hospital. I was wondering what on earth had happened. Also, you should double space when you start a new paragraph/line of dialogue, it’s much easier to read and it isn’t as cramped.

Good job so far :D

A Shift in Momentum