Claimed + commented.
- .:
- Summary
I see that this is a joint story and from the way the summary reads, I'm guessing that both writers contributed to it? If so, I don't think it worked so well. The summary doesn't feel cohesive at all. There's too much overlap (unnecessary repetition) in the description of characters which makes it look like you're trying to jam too separate summaries into one. I'd suggest possibly having each writer go over it and rewrite it in their own way – using the information you've both put together (the current summary) – and then choosing which sounds better and keeping that for the summary. It's a lot easier to switch off on characters as a way of co-writing, than it is to try and work together in such a small space (the one or two paragraphs need for a summary).
Also, there seems to be both an overuse and underuse of punctuation; too much (-) and then too little commas when they're needed.
Like here for example:
Strong and cold he was certainly a mysterious individual whose past was more then questionable.
This should be:
Strong and cold, he was certainly a mysterious individual whose past was more than questionable.
And here:
While he no doubt had a mother and father Elizabeth didn't - she was made.
Which should/could be:
While there was no doubt he had a mother and father, Elizabeth didn't; she was made.
If possible, I think a beta/editor/proofreader would really be able to help out with those small punctuation issues.
* When emphasizing things, I think it's usually best to go with either italics or bolding. Underlining thing always seems to look a little out of place in stories.
Other than that, I think you (both) have an interesting premise going, I just wished you didn't give it all away so soon. I would have liked to learn about the character's (their powers and their past) as I read the story, instead of being handed all that information in the summary. I think it would have been enough to simply say that the two had powers without going into the details of those powers.
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Again, as I read the first paragraph, I'm going to suggest getting a proofreader just to help with punctuation. While I usually love run-on sentences, I think you definitely need some commas in their to break it up. Without it, when reading, it sounds a little breathless, like it's going on and on forever. Like here for example: It was a gloomy and ominous rain that came down from black and deep dark grey clouds that every few seconds were lit white from lightning and the booming sound of thunder was the only thing noticed to be moving at the moment – there's a lot of places where a comma would definitely be helpful to the readers.
As I read through the first chapter, I couldn't help but think that this was a really interesting idea that just needed a bit of technical fine-tuning. But those errors, for me, were too tough to get over. It pulled me out of the story a lot and I couldn't really get the feel of it.
I think that as far as writing styles go, you two are pretty fairly matched. When moving from chapter to chapter, there isn't a big difference in how the two of you write, so it flows fairly easily. The only thing I'd suggest you (both) watch out for is trying to fit too much information in too little a space. There's quite a few places where I can see you're trying to slip in important information but perhaps the wording is too obvious. Maybe you can try saving entire paragraph-blocks for certain explanations of things and placing them in between your paragraphs of description and dialogue.
Thunderstruck, please. Chapter 2, preferably. Or 2 and 3, if you can.