Drabble for Drabble

  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    As you can see, this is the new thread and there's been a couple of changes to the rules. Cute

    This thread is ONLY for DRABBLES*

    Directions
    • Make a post claiming the story of the person above you.
    • Read the story and write your comment. Post your comment on the story's comment page, as well as in your post here. Comments must have a word-count of at least 100 words (not including quotes).
    • Edit your post here - adding the the comment and leaving a link for the story you'd like commented.

    * Drabbles are completed, one-chaptered stories that have a word-count of 500 or less.

    If the last person left a comment that doesn't fit this thread's requirements, DO NOT claim their piece. Report the post to a board moderator and wait for a mod to make a decision.
    I'll start then.
    He Sailed Away
    August 31st, 2011 at 04:04am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    One thing I found really interesting about this piece was where you chose to bury her. I thought it said a lot about the girl and about how his life would be now without her – isolated and lonely – and maybe that was how she imagined death to be as well (assuming it was her choice to be buried there). As I read this, I was thinking that the choice of burial location could either be because she wanted to be somewhere far off, so that it might be easier for him to move on or maybe he wanted her buried further away so he wouldn't have to be reminded of her (and feel that pain as freshly) often. But, of course, I don't know for sure.

    But I loved that this piece got me thinking and since it's a drabble, I get to really conjure up my own reasoning for why things ended up this way.

    First
    August 31st, 2011 at 04:23am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I didn’t have a clue what this story was going to be about (The banner wasn’t loading until I clicked onto the chapter) but I was drawn in by the title and the quote in the summary. I thought the way you described the relationship and Davis’ feelings was done really maturely, and it showed the topic in a new light. I could feel the love between the couple, it felt very natural and the dialogue between them didn’t feel forced at all. Your descriptions such as 'delicate palm,' ‘soft and inviting’ and 'wicked flair in his eyes’ were excellent, I could see this drabble playing out in my mind as I read it.

    This is a lovely piece, good job.
    Pulse please.
    September 1st, 2011 at 02:12pm
  • bucky barnes.

    bucky barnes. (705)

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    Before I jump into my full thoughts, I caught a little grammatical error: "Their vision was dancing in circles as they stumbled over towards the swings." It should be "Their visions were" because of the plural possessive 'their.'

    The layout for this drabble was really captivating even though it's so simple; it didn't take anything away from the story, which I liked a lot. Your descriptions are very vivid and your words flowed so smoothly. I especially loved the concluding sentence about catching the stars in their palms, because contrasted with what they were doing with the pills, it was a very innocent and childlike thing to do. It makes me wonder if most people let their guard down after doing drugs or if it's a rarity...either way, this was a brilliant piece. It was short and simple but it definitely spoke volumes.

    Well done!
    Indian Summer

    I realize mine is super short, so if your comment isn't exactly 100 words long, that's okay :3
    September 2nd, 2011 at 12:18am
  • die Bienen Knie

    die Bienen Knie (150)

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    ^ more than 100 - boom baby!
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    Well first things first I think the banner is awesome (though I’m not as fond of the rest of the layout). I like that the whole thing is basically one long simile too and the fact that it’s exactly fifty five words is really impressive to me, it’s like you did everything write to get what you wanted from the story along with fitting the criteria. I really like the title, and I like how it’s incorporated into the story not only by stating it, but also how the whole content of the story revolves around a relationship compared to an “Indian Summer.” I think the imagery you used is great, and although it’s a little bit confusing to find out what happened, that’s understandable because of its length. It’s vague and interesting.
    Light at the End of the Tunnel
    September 2nd, 2011 at 12:43am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I like your opening lines of “it was the kind of day…” It really allows the reader to relate to parts, or all of the story, and the metaphors you used were really good. I liked the comparison of the car and the fog, as engine said, it’s really interesting and effective; it gave the piece more life and made it stand out against the rest of the stories on mibba.

    You use really good description, such as “chilling breath” and “sharp icy droplets” and they fit into the pathetic fallacy really well. I can sense the danger and the loathing of his surroundings, and empathise with his melancholy attitude towards his destination.

    The last sentence/paragraph felt a bit jumbled to read so some rephrasing would be beneficial, but I couldn’t help but smile at the line about the heating and the broken step, because this just shows that it’s the simple things in life that are the best. Good job.
    Hush please.
    September 3rd, 2011 at 05:06pm
  • youth and whiskey.

    youth and whiskey. (415)

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    candy marcs.:
    This is incredibly cute, sweet, and absolutely adorable. I love little stories like these as they make me grin like an idiot once I finish them. You captured one moment in time perfectly and executed this magnificently. Your descriptions are marvelous, vivid, and strong. The title fit this perfectly and it was just a very enjoyable cute little story. It almost reminds of that song Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop by Landon Pigg. I love the mysterious air behind this - who is she? Who is he? Does he know her? How long has he spent studying her? Has he ever spoken to her before? Has she ever even laid eyes on him? These little questions tug at my heart as I read over this again and I am in love with this piece. You've done an excellent job. <3
    Andy, please.
    September 3rd, 2011 at 09:01pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    elizabeth;:
    The beginning of this drabble made me smile from ear to ear because it was the cutest thing ever. I loved the three things that made her fall for Andy and how she was sort of fighting with herself over if those three things were what made her fall for him. But then when it mentioned that he would never love her in return made my smile go away. And then the last part came where it was said that is was all right that he didn’t return her love.

    It is rare that such a story entry such as this one made me love this, then hate it but then love it once more. Well, I didn’t really hate it but I’m sure you know what I mean. Anyway, enough of my rambling. I thought this was completely wonderful and just amazing.
    Owls please?
    September 4th, 2011 at 01:48am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    This is a very adorable piece, especially the banner on the layout!

    I really liked your beginning with short sentences, it made me imagine the narrating voice taking steps through the park you’ve mentioned. With the personification of the flowers and the trees being ‘alive’ I could imagine everything swaying in time - you’ve created such a beautiful picture in my mind with just two sentences.

    I like the way you introduced the name of the girl, generally naming characters in such short pieces can be very cliché but the way you’ve done it made me think of old fairy tales. You write in such a beautiful tone. In Love

    I just really love the plot of this, it’s so unusual, so unique yet so believable. I love the little moment the owl and Brooke share, it makes you wonder what they’re both thinking when they’ve noticed each other - and to have the owl fly away, and Brooke to leave without it even effecting her is such a brilliant twist.

    This is a beautiful piece, which I enjoyed reading very much. Keep up the good work!
    Hush please.
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:31pm
  • fun ghoul fez.

    fun ghoul fez. (100)

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    Before I even read the story, I'd like to say that I really like the layout, especially that picture; that's so, so cute. In that first line, I noticed a small mistake; pouring all her energy into find that one text book... That should be finding, I believe. I noticed a few other mistakes that were tiny but another read through would probably catch them. :) Overall, I thought that this was really, really adorable and I really liked how you kind of left it open to a bit of interpretation; was the boy her boyfriend or someone who just had a crush on her? You did a great job at capturing just one moment, one tiny moment and making so much more. This was just so darn cute and like something out a movie (in a good way) and you did a wonderful job with it. :)
    Orgasm please.
    September 6th, 2011 at 01:21am
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    This.Useless.Heart.:
    OMG, I can't believe there aren't comments already. I love this. I do believe you've gotten me addicted to this pairing, especially the way you write them. :D
    from the way Rory's stomach sucks in, pushing his ribs outward to the way his nails dig into the nearest surface (whether that be the Doctor's skin or the sheets) to the way his mouth opens wide, lips pulling back in an action that shouldn't be sexy but somehow is-Oh my goodness, this just this. :D Now I'm fascinated by his orgasms. xD Something about the image of his nails digging into the Doctor's skin just does it for me. I think you've officially converted me.
    But while he absorbs all this, the Doctor realizes he's missing the rest; - I love this. I love the idea that in trying to take in every single detail from the biggest to the tiniest, he actually misses so many things. That's such a great (and true) concept, and also it's so very true to The Doctor. It's just so like him.
    He completely misses out on how his neck arches, creating the perfect parabola and he only barely registers Rory's hair dipping into his eyes, gleaming with sweat.- I love love love this description. It's so vivid, and again so fitting to the characters. I mean his neck creates a parabola! You actually worked that term into a one-shot about orgasms. That's brilliant! It's brilliant in any work, but in a Who fic it's just so very perfect.
    Every time, the Doctor tries to catch every little thing at once and every time, he misses something; just that one thing that, to most other people, would be totally insignificant. -Again, I love this concept. I love that he wants to, even feels like maybe he has to, know Rory inside and out. Like he has to know everything he can possibly know.

    Kudos! :D
    You Are, in Fact, My John Cusack
    September 6th, 2011 at 02:42am
  • engine

    engine (200)

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    engine:
    First of all, the title is wonderfully compelling, and would make anybody want to read it. I love that it begins so quickly with the inquiries. It feels very naturals, as if the narrator was actually talking to the addressee, or perhaps writing them a letter. I just adore the "that was you" line--again, so natural and idiosyncratic. The narrative pains a very clear picture of what the narrator is like, and how their relationship was. The imagery is fabulous, you have me grinning like an idiot just reading it. You dip into a few cliches here and there, but I almost think its appropriate here, because the narrator is so wrapped up in being in love as a teenager and what teenager doesn't talk like she's in some cliched romance novel when she's in love for the first time? The last paragraph is my favorite, you end on such a strong note. The image of that kid running with a boombox in hand and grinning madly just resonates so well. I actually adore this--and I rarely find teenage romances that are pulled off so well. Very well done!
    Fane, please.
    September 6th, 2011 at 05:46am
  • twin.

    twin. (100)

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    twin.:
    I absolutely love this. It is everything and more I love in a drabble. I love how effortlessly you seem to make the words just spill into one another and the way that although I’m not one hundred percent sure what’s going on, it just flows together and makes a beautiful image. The descriptions are spot on and aren’t too flowery and yet, as said, create a picture in your mind and therefore makes it that more enjoyable. It’s a really odd one because it’s the sort of drabble where anyone who reads this can make this whatever they want it to be – and although there is an obvious meaning behind it for you, it opens up all sorts of different possibilities for the reader.

    I really really liked it. It hit me as being quite abstract and that’s probably why I enjoyed it so much and although it appears to be quite simple on the surface, you can tell there’s a lot of depth and meaning too it if you look between the lines.
    Golden

    Thank you. Cute
    September 10th, 2011 at 12:41am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I like the tone of this piece, it begins very solemn and poetic. I really liked the metaphor of the sun, then the comparison of night with the shaded by a mask of insecurities and darkness. I think the way of referring to the couple and the relationship through various forms of light, like the sun and spark, is a really good metaphor as relationships can burn out quickly.

    I don’t think it’s meant to say us insignificant, or maybe it’s just me being silly and not making any sense of that sentence. I can feel the strong powerful emotions in this piece, the narrators lust, jealousy and anguish towards the story’s subject, but I like how you’ve left everything open - whether he liked someone else, someone else liked him and there was the fear of cheating, or that he cheated. You have such beautiful descriptions despite the quite emotional side to the piece but I think they work well. Your flow is brilliant and I didn’t see any grammar issues. Good job.
    Hush.
    September 10th, 2011 at 09:54pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    dr. faustus:
    “Without a second though, he followed the signs to the ‘sociology’ section…

    I’m not sure, but I believe you meant thought. That was the only mistake I found in this. Anyway, I thought this was lovely and cute and the banner made this story even more adorable to read. I love how the story went off of the banner because you described everything so well. I am in a library right now and just the smell of this place made your story more interesting. A lot of book lovers can relate to finding that “special book” and really focusing just on that – blocking the world out, so I liked that. The Paris book in his hand fit the concept of this story beautifually.
    Where The Story Ends
    September 12th, 2011 at 07:20pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I really like how you seem to start this half way through a story, I’ve never seen anything starting with an ellipses before, I thought it was a good touch, very unique. Being the nerd I am, there’s nothing I more than reading stories about stories I think it takes good talent to be able to pull it off, and I especially like this piece. The flow is really nice, I haven’t spotted any mistakes regarding grammar or spelling so kudos. Your use of 2nd person is really effective, I felt the story was about me as I read. I felt the beginning could link to the end, I thought that was brilliant - it fitted in with a chapter never truly ends so that was a brilliant twist. Good job.

    Oh, and I love the banner!
    Hush please.
    September 15th, 2011 at 06:25pm
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    I don't normally go out of my way to comment on banners, but the picture you used for the layout just drew me right in right off the bat. It was really sweet and a perfect match for your story.
    Anyway, this drabble is just lovely. It really does convey a very peaceful vibe, and I also appreciate the subtle romance of it. He's not in your face madly in love making out in the library; he's just content to watch her in her element for a while and then give her a kiss. It's just so sweet.
    Giddiness overcame his body and he managed to stifle a laugh as the feelings of a small child during a game of hide and seek overcame him. - there should be a comma between "body" and "and". Also, I just love this description so much. It really made me quite giddy myself.
    She seemed oblivious of the time, she’d never even glanced down at her wrist to see whether it was time to leave -the comma between "time" and "she'd" should either be a period or a semicolon.
    Okay, all done here. Keep up the good work, dear. :)
    You Are, in Fact, My John Cusack
    September 18th, 2011 at 02:24am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I hate being picky, but I found the grey background mixed with the black font really hard to read, and I had to change to the default layout so that wouldn’t affect my view on this story. I think the banner is cute though, especially the ink droplets. Try using one of the lighter colours from the banner for the story area perhaps? I think lighter colours would give this story a happier feeling (cause that's the feeling I got from this piece).

    I really like the tone of the piece, just from the first line I felt I knew the narrator and those questions were to me personally. All the questions give the piece a mysterious feeling, especially the last line in the opening paragraph “It must look different from your perspective” I thought this line was really intriguing, and different.

    You have really nice descriptions, when reading this piece I can see everything clearly, and I feel this is a nice twist on the idea which has been used a lot. You made it yours. I’m glad you’ve used more rhetorical questions throughout this because it means the current time could be anything, like someone writing a letter, or they’ve met unexpectedly and the couple are reminiscing. I especially love the last line, it’s so powerful.

    Great job!
    One Small Step please.
    October 1st, 2011 at 10:56am
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    I liked the mini-adventure of this drabble. I felt like I was there in the sun and breeze, trying not to look down and freak out (because I so would.) It kind of makes me wonder where the narrator was and what she was really doing because I felt like it was just part of a walk in the woods or something and maybe she was doing it because she wanted to try something she would not ordinarily do (like an adventure of sorts.) Your descriptions were just lovely throughout.
    Notes:
    The wind was carrying stray strands of my hair through the wind, and the tip of my nose was warm underneath the burning sphere.
    -I like this description, except I find using "the wind" twice in that statement to sound a bit redundant.
    My fists are clenched, my skin is clammy as the nerves scuttle to the surface, determined to take over my body.
    -that first comma should either be a semi-colon or full stop, or it should have "and" written afterwards.
    My vision begins to blur, the colours mixed into one crash of paint like on an artists dirty palette,
    -I love this description (actually that whole bit describing the narrator's mistake of looking down and her/his panic might be my favorite part.) There should be an apostrophe in the word "artists".
    With one small step, my fears were suddenly not so scary after all.
    -This is a nice closing statement. I like the feeling it ends the piece with, that sort of letting go and moving forward and not worrying so much. It's very peaceful and wonderful.

    All in all, I enjoyed reading this. :)
    A Cup of Coffee with a Side of Subtext
    October 1st, 2011 at 10:01pm
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    TheRibbonOnMyWrist:
    Alright I have to start by saying your title is adorable. It sounds like something Calvino would write. If you don’t know who that is, he’s positively brilliant; you should look him up.

    Second, FOB was my first fangirl obsession. It was almost unhealthy. So you automatically get points for that one.

    Third, I really like that this is something that would fit currently. It’s not a fanfic written like the band is still together. Makes it way more plausible.

    It seems like Patrick and Justin have a really intense relationship. The way they study each other, it’s like…I’m not really sure how to phrase it. Like you said, there was something there growing in the air, but they couldn’t really name it. I think their relationship goes a little deeper than simple friendship. In my experience, at least, that seems like what you’re describing. You kind of have a cliffhanger, though, so I can’t be sure! Who would have thought a cup of coffee and a conversation could be left so tense??

    Also, who is Justin? Is he your character, or somebody famous?

    This was cute :) I like the simplicity of it. And the layout is charming. It reminds me of Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Christmas <3 The only thing I can suggest is doing something with the banner to make the title a little easier to see. Otherwise the story and layout are terrific :) Nicely done.
    Ivory
    October 2nd, 2011 at 06:26am