Drabble for Drabble

  • Ayana Sioux

    Ayana Sioux (1175)

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    First I must say that the layout is amazing. The picture is amazing, the colors you used to compliment it is just on point. It looks so depressing, but elegant at the same time. Most don' know how to pull off a good layout.

    The context is a little bunched up though. Perhaps you can make the spacing between them a little larger so the letters above won't run into the ones below.

    It's nice how you started the beginning with the porcelain beauty theory, then turned it to a more depressing vibe, giving it the opposite meaning. It went really well with the picture. And then you had a man love her regardless of her cancer (I'm assuming that's what it is) and saw the beauty in her. And it all worked too well with the picture.

    But, it does remind me of the story/ movie My Sister's Keeper. Perhaps that's where you got the idea from.

    This a really well written drabble. Good job. =)

    Natural Beauty
    October 2nd, 2011 at 08:01pm
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

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    I thought this was very beautifully written and I think it was a great choice to make this a drabble. I can't see this specific story working as anything longer. If it was, I think it wouldn't be quite as striking. I love the details and the way you describe things here. It paints this very solitary picture with a sort of vast and maybe empty background where we're only seeing the things that she touches, but that helps to emphasize this woman and her beauty and it gives her power.

    The only two things that stuck to me in a negative way was (1) the spelling of 'mother land' – which should be 'motherland', (2) the exclamation point at the end of this sentence: Follows the very footsteps of her ancestors, you can not strip her tradition, her language, her culture! – I think the exclamation point her ruins the tone of the story. It seems a bit misplaced and forced. It takes away from the quiet strength the words before it holds.
    Forever Mine or My Girl
    October 6th, 2011 at 04:09am
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    So, I really enjoyed this drabble. I love the concept behind it. It's the sort of great agonizing debate of whether to get involved or just stay alone (which as I have mentioned in my notes, I relate to a great deal.) I love that the concept feels like a bit of a twist too because going by the title and going into it I figured it was going to be about an actual relationship in some way, but it turns out to be an almost relationship all in a character's troubled mind. I simply love that!
    Notes:
    It's inevitable.
    I'll fuck it up.

    -I love this as a cold start. It hooks me right off the bat.
    I just get so scared, so sad because I'm hopelessly awkward and perpetually nervous and so damn uncomfortable with every single one of them, with everyone really...except him. But especially him.
    -First of all this is insanely relatable and secondly I love how there's that moment where the narrator gets so caught up in this frenzied state of mind where s/he has that contradiction. S/he is nervous around everyone except him...but especially him. xD I love that, and I totally get it.
    That maybe if I'd have to share him, it's better that we never really meet at all because I certainly can't wrap myself around him' til he stifles and then we brake.
    -This statement is interesting on several levels: first, "it's better that we never really meet at all" implies the involved parties don't actually know each other so well (to me anyway) which makes this interesting and different to what I thought it was describing before, and secondly, I was going to point out that "brake" should be "break" until I realized that either word actually could work there, so whichever one you meant you still win. :3
    To have him and to lose him because of my own shit would be worse than what I have now – countless hours of staring and swooning and imagining.
    -Again, insanely relatable. Actually, this line hits way closer to home than I should even feel comfortable admitting.

    All in all, a lovely drabble. Keep up the good work! :)
    A Cup of Coffee with a Side of Subtext
    October 8th, 2011 at 08:55am
  • little motorkitty;

    little motorkitty; (630)

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    I really liked the opening line, it drew me in straight away but was really simple and to the point.

    " and I guess everything included me." ~ you don't need the space after the quotation marks, not a huge error, just thought I would point it out though.

    Suddenly, "catching up" was a depressing activity, and they couldn't even have a drink about it like normal friends. ~ I really liked this line, there was something about the way it was written and phrased, it gave the narrative a real voice rather than just being a typical narration. I thouht it was really good.

    He sipped his coffee to prevent more stupid words from spilling out his stupid mouth. ~ I really liked the repitition with the word 'stupid', it made me smile because it's the kind of thought that I would have and it was just very real and easy to relate to. I liked this throughout the piece, it was very realistic and the narration was done really well.

    "I'm really lucky; everything's been going so well, and I'm lucky, y'know, that I even have the opportunity to do it." Now he was smiling; it was hesitant, bashful, and small, but it was genuine. ~ I thought these lines were really cute, and it made me want to just give Patrick a huge hug and never let him go. You made the characters so adorable, I loved them.

    He had a bad habit of doing that. ~ I really liked the end line, as I liked the whole thing, but I would have prefered it without the word 'bad', but that's just my preference.

    Overally, I really liked this piece of writing. It was well written and the characters were believable and they were adorable. Well done, it was excellent.
    Burnt Lungs
    October 11th, 2011 at 05:51pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    I like how you contrast the elements of wind and fire and personify them as two different types of people. This piece is very heavy with all the metaphors but I think they fit well to match the song influencing this, but also give the character an air of mystery. I can relate to the character who seems to be watching the world go by whilst they stay silent and still.

    This has dark undertones too, ones that I noticed with a second reading such as “she’s flat on her back” which is an awful thing for someone to have to do, but the way you fit it in still adds to the flowery image of the story before. My only fault is the last line about the crack pipe and foil. I think it detracts from the story as it’s a run on sentence, and gives too much detail when the whole piece has been mysterious, I think it would be better with just one method the girl uses.

    Other than that, good story!
    Crave please.
    October 16th, 2011 at 05:59pm
  • Kawaii Emotions;

    Kawaii Emotions; (100)

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    Sunshades;:
    I know it is a drabble, but I was completely shocked at how short and sweet it actually was. Technically, I believe this is the true definition of a drabble anyway. It's able to capture a reader quickly and leave them wanting more. I think the layout is short and sweet as well. The colors match the picture very nicely. I think this is a commonly expressed feeling. Sometimes people fall dependent on others and use them like a crutch. I can see this being a prologue to a story, but it could easily stand alone in a one-shot or a possible short story. It holds a lot of mystery in a few short words. Very nice job.
    Children are our Future
    October 21st, 2011 at 10:33pm
  • jennifer lawrence

    jennifer lawrence (100)

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    tiger strike:
    First off, I noticed a few mistakes. I think there should be commas in 'long, blonde, hippie inspired hair' and in "no they, won't. I'll wear socks." you don't need the comma. You also got the tenses a bit confused, as you say 'she never wears' and then you swap to 'in fact she hated'.

    Mistakes aside, this was really sweet and something totally different. I like how you started this. It was very blunt and to the point, but it set the scene for the rest of the story. I also like the quote in the second line. You could have just written the first and third lines and left it at that, but by slipping the second line in you seem to justify why she hates and never wears shoes.

    The ending was totally unexpected, but really sweet as well. It was a nice twist, as throughout the rest of the story I thought she was a young adult talking to her boyfriend. However, it worked well and was a really good way to end.
    Magic
    October 23rd, 2011 at 01:48pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    valium knights.:
    This is an adorable piece. I imagine you got the idea from the picture – I think it’s such a beautiful and creative plotline for a drabble.

    The dialogue introduction is really effective, you capture the reader with your first sentence – who are ‘they’ and what is it? You paint a clear picture of the characters actions, they seem very natural. The two characters interact really well together; you instantly get the sisterly relationship between them.

    It’s such a beautiful idea, and I’m guessing it is inspired by the image. I love the magic and mystery in the piece, even though (I’m guessing) Lucy is young, at 18 I still felt drawn into the aurora of this story. The end line is perfect, this so beautiful and happy to read.

    Great job In Love
    In My Head.
    October 29th, 2011 at 09:07pm
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    TheRibbonOnMyWrist:
    First off, I like the titles. I always get a little stumped when it comes to naming the chapter of my one-shots. Your story and chapter titles made a cool repetition, too. And the banner was a good extension of that. Kudos. I also love the color scheme. It’s a very simple look, but I like it.

    You have some really great adjectives. You have no idea how excited that made me! “clutching at my heart” and “kissing the scars” made me go ooooooo. That was my favorite part. This story reads a lot like a journal at first glance, but the adjectives give it that extra boost, so awesome job. The whole thing is very honest—changed people and looking back on relationships. The analysis of the kiss was a GREAT detail. I feel like that’s not one most people write about, but it’s definitely a very realistic touch.

    Some of your figurative language confused me at first. I had to read it a couple times before I really got it, but I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. Drabbles are supposed to be short, “out of the norm” pieces (at least I think they are). The only thing I really suggest is giving it a good read-through. You have a few misspelled words and comma-splices. Picky grammatical stuff. Nicely done!
    Ivory
    December 18th, 2011 at 07:25am
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    This is quite good. I found it interesting for all of it's 100 some words. I am somewhat intrigued by how a lot is said in so few words actually. I'll admit, I'm not completely sure I understand what is going on though. My guess is the diagnosis is psychological, like body dismorphia or an eating disorder, but I might be way off. I don't guess that's what is most important though.
    Further notes:
    This is me. Seven years after diagnosis.
    -This, as an opener, just grabs me instantly.
    The picture perfect prodigy of porcelain beauty.
    -Wow. It's not often I encounter such marvelous alliteration in a serious work.
    He took my vanishing body in his arms and saw the milk and pearls in my skin, the silver cells, and the moonlight in my eyes
    - I rather like that you repeated that description in such a way. The parallel structure actually made it stronger in a way.
    He saw the beauty in the breakdown
    -I just love that statement. Everything about it, both sentiment and the words. It's simple, but gutting all at once, or at least it gets to me in such a way.
    Ivory chips and alabaster smoke.
    -This is an interesting fragment to end upon.

    Keep up the good work, dear. :)
    A Cup of Coffee with a Side of Subtext or You Are, in Fact, My John Cusack
    January 4th, 2012 at 03:48am
  • TheRibbonOnMyWrist

    TheRibbonOnMyWrist (500)

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    TheRibbonOnMyWrist:
    So I’ll start by saying I absolutely adore the banner. It all meshes so well—the font, the paint splatters, and the boom box, wow. Perfect. The gray story area works well, too, but I’m not a huge fan of the black background. I think even white would look okay if you want to keep it a simple solid color, but the black makes it look unfinished.

    This is such a cute story. I feel like I may have read it a while back, actually. I’m not sure why I didn’t comment, because I love it! This is one of those stories I feel like every girl should relate too. I hate that cliché, Lady and the Tramp romance, but even I smiled reading this. We all think it at some point in our lives. The concept of perspective is a cool focal point in this story—that’s one aspect of the ‘80’s romance movie I hadn’t ever considered. I sort of get the idea that this girl is looking back on a lost love, though. Going back and looking, I don’t think you said anything like that, but I get that vibe. Maybe just because she’s remembering it and asking him if he does. It feels like something important has changed because of that line *shrug* I don’t know. Either way, though, this was cute and well written :) Great story concept.
    Ivory or Three Guesses, if you've already read the first.
    January 6th, 2012 at 06:26am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    lighthouse.:
    I really like the language you use! Words like “pearls” and “moonlight” work well together, and it creates a beautiful image. I like how you mention the corruption of beauty through your third paragraph. I guess that is to do with an eating disorder, and I’m glad you don’t reveal that straight away, it’s kept the mystery and strong imagery of the piece together.

    The mystery of the man is brilliant; I like the perspective too of someone recovering. It really shows the power of love, what someone can do to change the way you see the world. I love the way you link the piece back to the beginning with the beautiful imagery continuing. Beautiful.
    Hands.
    January 19th, 2012 at 08:27pm
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    beneath the stars.:
    This really is gorgeous. It's so incredibly simple, like it's just a moment in time, and you captured it so beautifully. You described everything in such detail without really saying a whole lot about anything, other than their hands of course, but it painted just an awesomely intense picture.

    All I can focus on is the fingers softly stroking the back of my hand, round and round in a little circle that calms my convulsive pulse.
    This was my favourite line, I think. I think it sets up everything really nicely and the whole "convulsing pulse" sounded really cool when I read it. It also implies something was going on before this little moment happened, and I really want to know what.

    I also loved the last line. It was so mysterious and gorgeous and I really wanted to know what was happening to them. It was an amazing way to end the drabble.

    Like This.Useless.Heart. said, this is definitely a "this is how to drabble" kind of brilliant. Best thing I've read in a while for sure. Well done!
    Alone
    January 23rd, 2012 at 11:07pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    lighthouse.:
    First off, the banner is beautiful and suits the title so well. I haven’t started writing yet, but I can already tell it’s going to be good tehe

    I love the powerful imagery of the words bouncing around, I thought it was a brilliant way to describe the emotion people feel when dealing with loss. The way you could have worded it could have made it dark and saddening like the situation, but this way has a slight bit of hope lingering with it.

    I like how you focus on the woman bringing the bad news, showing that no matter how many times you have to do it in a profession that deals with death, it’s still difficult. I think that makes this whole piece very humane.

    The change in perspective to the man is a good technique too; it gives a full view of the situation. The way you phrase everything is really delicate, and it paints a clear picture in my head. Good job!
    Northern Lights.
    January 29th, 2012 at 07:17pm
  • The Dodger

    The Dodger (150)

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    The Dodger:
    I don't really know what I was expecting when I started reading, but this would have surpassed it. You told a sort of love story using only a few words, and that is really amazing to me. Perhaps it's because usually it takes me thirty words to say something when really it takes three. Though I've never smoked pot before, (or plan to--not against it, honest) I liked that you included it in this drabble. It gives the whole short a sort of dreamy feel, as well as the beautiful layout. Even though this was told mainly through dialogue I still felt like I was right there with your characters, which isn't easy to do for me.
    All in all, a very lovely story.
    See what I mean about the 30:3 word usage? I guess I can sum it up with three.
    I loved this.
    Beautiful
    February 1st, 2012 at 01:41am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    lighthouse.:
    First off, beautiful banner. Such a beautiful picture! But you need to make the story area just a few pixels wider cus it cuts off some of the border.

    I like how this is laid out like a poem, though I’m unsure whether this would work better as a poem or a drabble though.

    I really like the flow of this piece, with the rhetorical questions used. It’s a bit hard to read with the breaks within sentences (which is making me think it would be more suited to poetry or an edit of the use of punctuation). The last line is so powerful “ She was a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, loving, disaster.” as it sums up the whole thing. After finishing the piece, it seemed more like a poem to me, but that’s the beauty with drabbles – you can do them any way you want.

    Good job.
    Northern Lights. or Hands.
    February 11th, 2012 at 03:11pm
  • dontcallmepuddin!

    dontcallmepuddin! (105)

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    CementFeatheredBird:
    Your layout is gorgeous. It's simple, but the photo you used as your banner just makes it really stand out. It's quite lovely.
    The story is so short, but absolutely amazing. I think it's because of how short the story is, that you were able to convey the many emotions that you did. I feel that if you had tried to add more for length that the description would have went overboard and the story wouldn't have the same feel that it has now. As someone else once told me in writing, less is more and I believe you definitely achieved that in this piece.
    Fantastic job. (:
    My Neighbors are Killers, please. Cute
    April 30th, 2012 at 04:09am
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    aubs:
    I think this one-shot really captures a child's imagination, which I don't really find in stories these days. I love the description on what the child thought his neighbors were doing to their "victims". But I think my favorite part of this whole piece was the final paragraph. It had me giggling like a little girl!

    As others have said before, I thought the repetition of the phrase "my neighbors are killers" was cool and really added to how convinced the little boy was that his neighbors were killers. This was really a fantastic one-shot. Good job!
    Sailor, please.
    July 19th, 2012 at 09:34pm
  • nearly witches;

    nearly witches; (100)

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    maybe one day;:
    I think this is gorgeous. I know I've never read anything like it plot wise, & the writing even feels new. I love the way this is written -- the description is insane. It's so vivid & beautiful & just so perfect. If this were written any other way, it would take so much longer to explain everything, & the length of this piece just makes sense. It's all so cohesive and proportionate. This is just so lovely. There is absolutely nothing wrong here, no advice I could give. &the layout is very nice -- I'm so glad it isn't blue. Never, ever stop writing.
    The Perfect Lover please
    July 19th, 2012 at 10:42pm
  • dr. faustus

    dr. faustus (1070)

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    My Comment:
    This was very sexy and seductive and I liked it a lot. Your tone matched your writing pretty well. This is short and sweet, but you get the point across in a way that makes sense to the situation. I'm pretty sure you could have added more to this if you wanted. But I'm going to have to agree with what everyone else said about how creative your writing style is. My favorite line in this would have to be this: I do not live in the moment as I think of tomorrow morning; of where we shall end up once the sun awakens. A perfect woman asks me to love her, and my first instinct is to decline. Well written and beautiful.
    Brotherhood of the Unknown
    July 21st, 2012 at 04:00am