Drabble for Drabble

lighthouse.:

This is an amazing piece! The narration style is perfect, it really emphasizes the impact that society can have on the individual and the whole group – and how quickly it can be forgotten or covered up. I thought your open paragraph was suited to the textbook mentioned at the beginning as it had the same flow and phrasing as I would imagine it to, and that’s brilliant!
a look she had never seen stitched within her son’s dirty face made her weak. This is an amazing metaphor, so powerful and heart hitting. I’ve never heard the phrase ‘stitched within’ for emotions before and I think it helps show the emotions felt even more.

Really strong work, it’s conveyed so much in so little words but it’s just perfect, and beautifully written. Great job!

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One of my first observations would be that this fic would pair well with coffee. [/sorry that is random]
I think this drabble is a really sweet and kinda trippy way of describing the utter awesomeness that is music and also of giving us a look into a moment in the lives of these two characters. We don't know who they are or what they are doing or where they are going in life, but we know this magical, shining moment they shared.
As usual, I am captivated by your style.
I only found one thing that I thought needed to be fixed.
The little smile playing on his lips shows that he’s so emerged in the music that he’s oblivious to the sunset guiding the end of our trip. -I think you meant to say he's "immersed" in the music, not "emerged".
Keep up the good work, dear.

lighthouse.:

I always enjoy reading your stories, and this one is no different! My favourite thing about your writing is that you make the characters your own – I’m not into the same fandoms as you but you present them in a way that makes it seem like their personalities are carefully crafted from your imagination, and I love that!

I really enjoyed the dialogue in this piece – you carried the conversation well and the whole thing seemed natural, especially the characters interactions. Usually dialogue seems a little off, but this was perfect. Everything was clear and I thought the flow was brilliant. The plotline itself is adorable, I love the way you show the value of friendship, and also highlight that there is a small line between friendship and love (or that’s what I got).

Keep up the good work!

hephaestus:

Oh god, this was very beautiful. What I enjoyed most was the simplicity, I think. It was so simple and not complicated with too many feelings or altercations or anything like that. It was about a girl listening to a boy play beautiful music and the way she felt when she did so. One terrific thing I have to point out is practically the entire first paragraph. I loved the description of the music and the way he plays guitar. The way you wrote certain things, such like "Like butterflies, each note flutters through the air..." just made the visual come easy to my mind.

While I believe that this has beautiful word choice and well written, I want to put in my opinion here, and keep in mind it's just an opinion. I don't like the word "oozed" in the third and final paragraph. It's such an ugly word that disrupts a beautiful paragraph... If I may, I suggest a word like radiate or something along that line.

Once again, beautiful work.

aubs:

Wow. This was completely breathtaking. I really love how much description you put in such a short story, especially in the very first paragraph. I like the whole idea of the main character standing on the top of a mountain/ hill/ high point because, from what I understood, was a physical place but could also be a symbolic thing. I mean, I took it as both ways because I guess that is how I read it.

The ending, they very last sentence. It just slapped me in the face, the fact that he wanted to die. I just, I was so confused on why, but then read through it again and everything just sort of clicked. This was just so amazing, so filled with emotion, so descriptive. It was wonderful.

danse macabre.:

Wow, I think it’s easy to say I loved everything about this drabble. There is nothing better to me than a writer who can convey so much by saying very little, and you manage to do that perfectly. I love the personification of the sea, especially in something so short. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but I feel that the sea is a metaphor, almost. At least with the way she’s described. It makes me feel like the sea is a motherly figure, but at the same time a deadly vice. Complete opposite ends of the spectrum, but they could still work depending on your journey.

Overall, I absolutely loved this drabble! I actually had to read it a few times because I was so amazed that I really wanted to think about it, annotate it almost. Amazing.

losing control.:

This was really gorgeous. The descriptions were so intense and lovely. You really showed what an abusive relationship is like in a small amount of words. I love when drabbles are written without any dialogue and this is a perfect example of why. I really liked the fact that it felt like there was a rhythm to the writing, it made everything flow really nicely. I could feel all of the emotion that you put into this, it was really intense and you wrote it so well. The last sentence was my favourite, it tied everything together perfectly and was really impactful.

But yes, amazing job, I really, really enjoyed this

bellamy blake:

First off, I have to admit that I’m not as familiar with the Egyptian mythology as I am with Greek and Roman. The extent of my knowledge on Osiris is basically just that one Supernatural episode. Regardless, I thought you did an amazing job with this! You’re right in that it’s not the same as the stuff you typically choose to write about, but I definitely don’t think that’s a bad thing. Everybody needs a change of pace every now and then, right?

I also kind of disagree with you about this having a lack of description: I actually thought it had an appropriate amount of description for the brief scene that this piece encapsulated. Sure, you didn’t describe every little thing, but you chose to describe the things that truly mattered, such as the rush he received from taking souls and the soul in itself as it was being devoured by him.

Another aspect of this drabble that really stood out to me was the flow. There’s definitely a distinctive pattern and pacing to this piece, and it really added to the scene you created. I will also admit that I loved how you waited until the very end of the piece to “reveal” that the main character was Osiris.

So yeah, as always, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and I hope that you decide to do more sort of morbid things like this in the future.

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This was very cute and very well written. Short and sweet!

Title:
At first the title confused yet intrigued me. As I clicked on the story link, I was drawn in by the beautiful layout and wonderful description.

Layout:
I love your choice of content background. It's so soft and easy on the eyes.
The colour scheme is perfect in my opinion.

I also love the delicate effect of the lowercase titling; delicate like glass and wings. The chapter title could refer to both Bellamy and Raven or just Raven to me which I thought was cool. Like doubly imagery.

Summary:
I adore how concise and poetic the summary is with its description and information. Before reading we know little but just enough to draw us in.

Story:
I have read this story as if it were original due to not having watched The 100 before.

As others have said, I think that your imagery is stunning. You capture the raw feelings of the two masterfully. Readers are not given much description or insight into the setting but this did not bother me.
I enjoyed your focus on the two characters.

You did very well to relate the story back to your prompt. I personally think that's an especially challenging prompt to work with because items aren't normally seen or chosen as the main aspect(s) of a piece of writing. It is usually one or more characters.

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There is just one sentence which I would personally consider changing the grammar of slightly, just to make it flow better, but I think it's a matter of opinion and is really up to you. I thought it might be worth mentioning anyway.

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He finds her curled up beneath the tattered blanket, red-rimmed eyes staring hopelessly at some spot on the opposite wall, and it aches for him to see her like this: this tiny, fragile, crumpled thing, a baby bird with a broken wing.

I would personally use a hyphen instead of a comma before the text in bold.

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Overall, I think you did a fantastic job with this piece. It sounded like a hard task and I think you nailed it. :-)

하지마 (Don't) please.
Don't fret, it is in English!

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dawn of light:

I adore the simple layout and the way your summary just picks at our brains.

The tone in this was realistic. I love that the scene was simple and straight to the point.

I mostly liked Dean's tone because he seems nonchalant about the situation they're in. Especially when he suggests, “Watch a movie?” I just love this vibe I get from him. With the little things from him, I could tell he's a softie for his friends and family. I think Cas’s character is precious, and I could tell he's a deep thinker through the little details you wrote included - pouting and questioning himself. I liked this touch you included. I also liked how you wrote out the situation with much simplicity; it wasn't unorganized but smoothly executed. I am interested to know how Dean and Sam’s situation went. I can't help but wonder if Cas does something sneaky to go and follow Dean

I do love how easy this was to read. It was a wonderful drabble for many reasons; you gave these characters your own touch, you created an atmosphere packed with hidden emotions, and you delivered a message about a bond nicely.

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I'm a huge fan of opening and closing with lines that mirror / are similar to one another so for starters, I really love that you use that here. It ties the whole thing off in a bow and just makes everything so rounded off and perfect. The bit in the middle too, wow - filled with emotions and it's something I can honestly connect to, with the slight positives instantly followed by stark negatives. I guess that's the reality of relationships; you get this person who you can't stop thinking about every waking minute that in some respects, you just forget that they'll lie to you and probably do things that you don't like. You've perfectly written the atypical relationship out here in such beautiful words and as El said, it is totally trippy. You've got thing like the dark and grey with the warm heart and it just doesn't compute properly and I love it.

The only criticism I have is that some of the sentences are short versus short afterwards and it does sound a little choppy but honestly, I think it might work here, so not a major criticism. Lovely job!

Quote:

This is a really lovely little piece.

It had such a carefree energy to it, like I could feel how it would have been to be in your situation. Even though I have no idea what Koningsdag is, I felt like I had a good grasp of what kind of experience it would be just from the small amount of words. It was simple and almost understated, I think, but it worked really well for this story.

One thing I wanted to point out, though, because I'm being nitpicky. The two times that you said but we do not care felt sort of choppy to me. I think it's the "do not" part -- for some reason it felt like it broke up the sentence weirdly. Like I said, super nitpicky because you know I adore your stories, but I wanted to point it out.

Amazing job, as always!

My Comment:

Hey, I'm here from the drabble for a drabble comment swap thread

Can I just start by saying I love how elegant yet simple your layout it – the photo is awesome and the color contrast is beautiful; the brown goes super great with the heading image.

The opening of this story sent shivers down my spine. Like, I’ve never read a story written in this way so the opening paragraph really has got me hook, line and sinker straight off the bat.

The second paragraph has my jaw dropping, for real. Just all these things your describing, things that are usually passed on like how the way freckles look against water – this is beautiful ad wonderful and I’m so in love with it. And the questioning of what we, the reader, are is also breath taking and makes my heart beat faster and faster; saying we’re only a mess of exploding light in the vast of darkness - my God, this is just wonderful.

My stomach just dropped at the last paragraph and, ugh, this story was just a train ride of emotion and I’m madly in love with it. Your style is so original and beautiful – it makes me desperate for more.

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Okay, first things first, I am a total sucker for repetition in writing, especially if it holds such relevance as it does here. I feel like it ties everything together very well and gives the reader this sense of build-up, keeping them looking forward to find out what happens after Spencer meets Brendon. It also has this really backwards way of describing their relationship, through the things that Spencer used to find irritating, which is a super-cool way of doing it. And then you have this going full-circle aspect of the whole thing, where Spencer goes back and reflects on everything that's changed. I think it's a really nice way to describe how people will change little things about themselves for the people they love. You get this idea of lightness preceded by the darkness at the beginning and I honestly think that's a really cute way to describe the changes a relationship bring.

This is such a wonderfully light, cute and adorable piece and I loved every second of it. Nice job!

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Vic, you have a way with words that is just so poetic it amazes me. I love the way you just create this scene where it makes my chest go soft and mushy, like I have no idea what summer smells like, but I can imagine it must be something warm and flowery. As I read your first three sentences, I felt like time was slipping through their fingers quickly? For me it went from a summer's day, to evening, and then when the sun finally set from the horizon. It's beautiful how their time together doesn't feel like reality, but things like bees makes her realize where she is and she soon sees that things are coming to an end.

UUUUUGGGGGHHHH, VICTORIA WHY ARE YOU SO GIFTED??? That last paragraph is beautifully constructed and I can't put it into words how tragic it makes me feel inside? Like, I don't want for this love to wither for them? Why can't it be summer all the time? Let's build them a greenhouse so things don't fade!

I love you and hate you for this.

Stop making me feel things!!

But keep writing these gorgeous words!

silk tea.:

So the biggest draw for me was just the language you use. It's so hypnotic and the flow of the words is almost like music. I really liked what I read but it felt like it needs to be part of a bigger piece, like there was more to learn about the school and the siren and what happens to the narrator. If you ever do write a second piece to this I would absolutely love it. I can only imagine how you would write an in depth description of the siren it would flow like water.

fala amo.:

This piece is short, sweet and has a lovely unexpected turn of events!

I like how this sets up as your run of the mill romance story, beautiful description of the characters and their relationship to each other (and to others in how they present themselves) and the setting as well. I especially like the line and found that perfect spot where the flowers wouldn’t meet. It really emphasises that this is their field, made just for them.

I feel like I should have known (given that it's Ian Somerhalder fanfic) and from the references to the male character being "mischievous" that something not quite right, or even romantic, would happen, but I did not expect whatever that ending was. I don't fully understand it, but I feel like it's open to interpretation, and I like that fact. I, unfortunately, seem to have fallen on the morbid "they died" ending, but I feel like it links back to the line perfection comes with a price and highlights the fleetingness of what "perfection" (physical and romantic) may be -- things won't always last, whether that be a perfect relationship or a perfect appearance.

Anyway, beautiful, quick read and quite the shock! Thank you!