One-Shot for One-Shot

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This thread is ONLY for ONE-SHOTS*

Directions

• Make a post claiming the story of the person above you.
• Read the story and write your comment. Post your comment on the story's comment page, as well as in your post here. Comments must have a word-count of at least 100 words (not including quotes).
• Edit your post here - adding the the comment and leaving a link for the story you'd like commented.

*One-shots are completed stories that are just one chapter long.

If the last person left a comment that doesn't fit this thread's requirements, DO NOT claim their piece. Report the post to a board moderator and wait for them to make a decision.

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But Now He's a Zombie, please.

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One Shot for One Shot:

“Joseph was my best friend, but now he's a zombie.”

I like how you start the story off so simply, and how you included the title in the first line. I always love seeing the title stated in a story, so right off the bat this is a win for me.

“Not to mention, I'm fucking miserable because my best friend is dead for all intents and purposes.”

I like the aspect of dark comedy here and how you casually threw in the word “fucking” when up until this point the story seems pretty simple and innocent.

“Luckily for me, I am a fast runner, and zombies are seriously slow.”

Another aspect of dark comedy here, you’ve kind of reminded me of Shaun of The Dead...

“Maybe I could even walk away from this scene...” I really liked this, I thought it was clever and witty but then when you finished the sentence, “...but instinct won't let my feet slow down at all.” You added some seriousness, and I understand it’s not a comedy (from checking the genre) but you can’t really expect someone to take something serious if you’ve just made them laugh (even if it’s just a chuckle).

“I open the refrigerator and almost immediately down a whole carton of orange juice.”

Since you’ve begun to make it clear that this is a serious piece, I wouldn’t recommend using the word “down” as it’s very casual.

“I sigh with resignation and lock myself inside. Here I go again.”

I really like the full circle effect here, he starts in a bathroom and he ends in a bathroom.

“This is it. As they gather, the banging gets crazier.”

I’m not sure how I feel about using the word “crazier” ... I’m not so sure how banging would be crazy. “Louder” I see, “More Intense” I see, but “crazier” just doesn’t do it for me.

“I have an odd taste in my mouth.”

I think this last line is great – such a simple observation (which makes sense because I wouldn’t expect a zombie to be all that thoughtful) which really displays the new character. This line is so simple and doesn’t sound that important, almost irrelevant, but that’s what I like, cus obviously it is important, and vague – I assume it’s a fleshy taste or some sort of strange zombie flavor that I’m inexperienced to.

Overall, I didn’t care much for the piece. There were certainly lines that I liked but for the most part I just couldn’t get drawn in. If it was a dark comedy there should have been more humor and if it was a horror, well I’m pretty easy to scare and I wasn’t nervous. I don’t really have any advice on how to go about it (seeing as I don’t write horror myself) but some tension definitely needs to be created to fulfill the author’s purpose.

Strangers on a Bench

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valium knights.:

I found the descriptions a bit too basic in this piece, it was hard to picture the scene and the couple just from descriptions like “red hair” and “purple dress”, I was also interested to see what deemed the girl as good looking, so perhaps mentioning a particular feature would help the reader more. Same goes with the scenery - all I know is that they’re on a bench in Hong Kong, but I don’t know what the weather is like, the time of day or anything general about the area they’re currently at.

I felt the dialogue was well written for strangers who have just met, however the line “yes, I am. Just sitting here at the bus stop, waiting for the bus” ruined the flow as the character is having to repeat themselves, and the scene has changed from being on a bench to being at a bus stop, so perhaps you could link this to the beginning by mentioning that the bench is at a bus stop, or by saying both characters are waiting for the bus.

I thought the plot was rushed, as far as we are aware both of them have just met and they haven’t swapped names yet she’s happily accepted a ride from a stranger. I liked the added mention of the hot weather, I could see the scene so much more clearly from that point. Again, I find it very rushed. They’ve just met, barely said two words to each other and yet they’re now arranging a date, I’m finding it very hard to find the chemistry between the pair, or even a remote relationship. The same goes for them being at her apartment, discussing a relationship and marriage - it’s hard to get into because everything is rushed. I do like the last line though, about them emailing. You shouldn’t end a piece with “The End” though, it’s not needed.

To improve this, I’d try using more varied sentence structures, add some more description into the piece to bring it to life and give the girl more actions as she seems quite undeveloped, the male lead is built up throughout the piece but she seems to stay the same. This is a good plot line, just needs stretching out a bit more into a realistic time line.

Before The Night Is Through

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This.Useless.Heart.:

Well, I don't follow this fandom, and my knowledge is limited, but I think you did a good job with the writing in this piece. I think it has good flow and I like your word choice for the most part. You did a very good job at setting a tone as well. I could feel the anticipation and the desire, very sort of heavy on the air.
You had several good lines in this, but I think my favorite part was this:
Never in his life had he wanted to indulge on someone’s blood this badly, he felt like a small child on Christmas morning staring at the first present they were about to open. He wanted to unwrap Sookie’s wrapper and reach with his tongue for the toffee centre. - I like the comparison here. It illustrated his barely restrained impulses well, and I thought it was a interesting way to express how he was feeling and how she made him feel. Also, toffee centre. Mmm. :3
I only spotted three possible errors (at least they jumped out at me as questionable):
Eric had to calm his breathing, every muscle in his body wanted to inhale the scent and never let it go, it was a vampires morphine.- Again, this isn't my fandom, so if I'm totally off base ignore this, but breathing in vamp fics always throws me off because usually vamps don't do that. I don't know about the vamps in this fandom though, so like I said if these are different ignore this correction.
the sweet aurora hung around his nostrils and every time he inhaled the desire to run his tongue along her collarbone was overwhelming.- I think "aurora" should be "aroma".
but once they found rhythm that suited the both of you her face became more relaxed- "the both of you" should probably be "the both of them".

Well, anyway, I liked this. I think for a mild smut this is really great.
Cheers. :)

Waiting

Claimed.

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After reading, I couldn't decide if this was a sweet story of true love or a creepy story of a delusional (or simply one-sided) crush.

If everything the narrator believes to be true, it's very sweet (though still kind of creepy). That she knows this person so well without actually knowing him, I guess, is a sign of 'true love' and 'destiny' and just knowing that someone is meant for you from that first moment. I love that the narrator is so in tune with this guy even though they've never actually interacted, that she learned so much about him from just observation and assumptions.

But, what I think might be more likely, is that she's concocted this whole 'relationship' between the two of them, which can easily happen with someone you see everyday but don't actually interact with. I think that's a very realistic thing, that when someone becomes a part of our lives in that way - as simple as just seeing someone every day - our minds kind of create a reason why that is so. We make up stories about their lives and what they think of us and, of course, if you develop a crush, you think of what it would be like if you were together. If that's the case, then I really really enjoyed this piece because it's incredibly realistic.

At the end of the story, I wondered a few things, like how old the narrator was and what she did with her life (what was her career) - because I think both of those things would effect the outcome of the story. I thought, if she's home everyday in time to meet the mailman, maybe she's someone who works from home. Maybe she's a writer. And if she's a writer, I can definitely see her creating this relationship and their feelings in her head.

I also wondered what happened next, like if he really did feel the same as she did and if he made that known, or if they continued on like before, never talking or meeting. I liked that this was open-ended and we don't really know what happens next, it gives the reader a chance to decided for themselves and maybe make up a story of their own.

Though I'm not a fan of present tense usually, I did think this was well written. I liked the narrative voice and the hint of melodrama she brought to the piece. I thought that worked really well for the story. I thought your descriptions were really good as well. I liked that you didn't focus on physical descriptions of the two characters and instead kept the piece inside of the narrator's head.

Sweet Love

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Wow. Just wow. I did not know this was a Twilight fanfiction until I read your author's note and that just blew my mind because I do not follow that fandom pretty much at all and I still loved this one shot so much. Seriously. It does explain my confusion at some character references and I have a feeling now I might have understood it on an even deeper level if it was a fandom I was more familiar with. However, I must say I don't feel any of that's necessary to enjoy reading this because I absolutely loved it already without knowing much of anything (and I still do!) I would just like to let you know right now that this is possibly one of my favorite pieces I have ever read on Mibba. I just love your descriptions and how such depths of emotions are described alongside and demonstrated by such smaller details (like how the cleaning and the bath were very symbolic of and tied into the crazy things she was going through in her mind and attempting to deal with that.)
Notes:
We fucked, when we used to make love,
-I love this distinction.
so we stay huddle on my bedroom floor 'til there's no more tears or sorrys left to give.
-"huddle"should probably be "huddled"
'Okay,' he says, and it's a question and a statement and a promise all neatly wrapped and handed to my heart.
...
'Breakfast,' and it's a question and a statement and a promise all neatly wrapped and I wonder if he's trying to spoil my heart.
-I LOVE this. I loved it enough just the once, but seeing it as that parallel structure just made it perfect.
The radio is on and something fluffy and sweet is playing, someone plucking sunshine and air from a guitar and singing about blue skies and how life's just great, and I just-believe him.
-this was perfect as both the description and ending, just beautiful.

Keep up the good work, love. :)

But Now He's a Zombie

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valium knights.:

I decided to read this because you had a very enigmatic summary. I’m not keen on the horror/supernatural but it was the Run for your life. Pray for me. line that drew me in. Brilliant summary, exactly what you need from one!

I love how you throw the reader straight into the action – no tip toeing around the incidents just throw straight in. Straight away, the tension is building up and the present tense narration works really well. The melodramatic language of the monologue works brilliantly and sets the scene up for the rest of the story.

The varying sentence structures used give this piece so much more life, and it gives the narrator so much more character. I thought you described the scenes well, and I didn’t spot much grammar mistakes. The plot ran smoothly, nothing seemed too out of place although the constant running within the piece made it seem the same at some parts.

I thought you dealt with the ending well, such a powerful ending. I think it’s better than you outright saying the fate of the narrator, especially as the last line leads to lots of interpretations and it’s possibly my favourite line of the whole piece. Although I had flashbacks of Shaun Of The Dead and Zombieland, this was enjoyable to read. Good job.

Kiss Me.

Claimed.

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I love the way we're thrown into the story; the way we're put in the middle of this chasing game.

...an adrenaline rush to my lungs. – I really liked this line and how it shows that something this simple – being lightheartedly chased – by someone you love (or simply like) is enough to create an adrenaline rush. I think too often people think that you have to be doing something outrageous to get that great feeling, but the truth is that you can get it from simpler things.

There's something about your third paragraph that reminds me of a commercial, in a good way. It gives of that really nice, airy, in-love in the summertime feel. It just seems really good-natured and pure.

Too sappy for your own good, indeed! I thought this was really sweet and I loved it. I think it's definitely something a lot of people (if not everyone) can relate to. We've all played that game, even if not quite so literally, and there's something about the delayed gratification (running away from something you want and knowing that you'll get it eventually) that just makes it that much better.

Sweet Love or Mirrored Confetti, please.

Claimed.

dr. faustus:

“You three, with your wife and the one you loved, fell back into routines, and I hid. In the books, in the pages, in the words and most dangerously in the mind. Accepted solitude and loneliness and never understanding. Rejection and fearing and crying and never hardening.”

I adored that entire paragraph, but that section above stuck out to me. I hid in the pages and in the words, your emotions were beautiful and real and I felt them. Breaking is freedom, I am not broken I am free I thought about the quote, (which was from a movie trailer) while reading this piece because this story to me sounded like a poem in away. A deep poem being told through memory, as the summary made me think about loss of something precious. I’m not sure if you’re trying out a new writing style, but I like it. It’s very different from what I’m use to you writing in, but you do it fairly well.

While reading this, I wasn’t completely sure what I was looking for, there were no names or plot…just a beginning, middle and somewhat of an ending, that really wasn’t one. I was lost, confused and stuck in awe all at the same time because I thought you described something we’ve all felt during some point in our lives, reading this…. it just made me realize that everyone has monsters they haven’t fought and that it’s best to accept things you can’t change, and change things you can’t accept. Well done, Audrey.

Please read Somebody Call The Pastor, This Bastard Is Posessed, They Say Why, Why? or Hometown Glory

Claimed.

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I am in awe, and I have no idea where to start. This was just fantastic. It’s a topic I love when done right, and this was definitely done right!

The slightly changed repeat of the sentence Wolf is very deceitful and lies, so watch out for him; he’s bad news is very possibly my favourite part of the entire thing. These two people fitted into one person is done in this interesting way, how people don’t understand because while Tyler, the Creator and Wolf Haley are two different people, they are still the same to others.

The part about Tyler trying to kill Wolf (and how Wolf calls him insane) just makes this piece even better.

I especially loved the last part. I feel like that part just made the story. I absolutely loved it.

I don’t believe I found any errors, and I don’t have anything that I’d like to comment on. I would like to ask what OFWGKTA stands for. Again, this was wonderful.

Please comment on Grey Suit Jacket

Claimed. commented.

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he said in a monotone voice. - the use of the word 'monotone' already suggests that his voice has that tone, so you don't really need 'voice' in there. You could keep it as he said in a monotone but if you think that sounds odd without 'voice' you could also write it as he said with a monotony or something like that. But for now, monotone suggests voice/tone, so you don't really need 'voice' in there.

He didn’t meet her eyes, only looked straight ahead, over her shoulder, at the curtains covering the world outside. - there are too many commas in this sentence, the first one is okay but the other two break the sentence up unnecessarily.

“I will,” he argued. He didn’t raise his voice, tried to keep himself calm. - for me, argued insinuates a kind of anger or frustration or change of tone in voice. I think if you say he didn't raise his voice, maybe change the way he spoke to something like "I will," he simply stated, or something that doesn't show that he might have raised his voice when he didn't.

we can live like this.” - can't?

and he didn’t dear - dare

and her eyes full of anger. - were full of

Technical things: I think you overuse commas in this piece. There's a lot of times where they don't need to be used at all. Like the breaks just don't give the piece the flow it should have, rather the reader's always pausing and most of the time it's not really for a dramatic effect. I think if you sit down and read it very critically you may be able to see what I mean. Go through the sentences that have commas, read it aloud or something, then read it without commas and see what the difference is.

Overall though, I think it's a very lovely piece. It's quite simple and that's good, because you still got the point of the story across well. :) I like how the majority of it was his assertion to leave her and once she was sobbing into him he caved in and said he would stay. I like how that kind of reflected his monotony. His voice was lacking any kind of emotion, repetitive of the same...and the situation he was in was repetitive of the same as well. It's just a very nice piece. :)

whatever tickles your pickle.

claim.

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This was really beautifully written and very moving. I could just see everything you were describing and the emotions you described were so visceral; I could just feel them.
He brought his gaze down from the blue skies which Olivia had fallen in love with once upon a time, and watched as his son crouched down next to the headstone – which was almost taller than him – and couldn’t help but smile as Vincent placed the little yellow flower in amongst the bunches of roses and marigolds. “Don’t let go of us.”
-I love this part so much. It's so bittersweet and just amazing. I love when lines are repeated like that.
As they walked back out to the car park, Vic thought about his girl from the Southern end of the world and wondered if she was up in those Southern skies shining bright in amongst the constellations which decorated the night sky.
-I like this as well. Especially because I was wondering if the title was referencing anything specific and/or if it would ever be referenced. I like this sort of tie in especially because it's not explicit (which can work obviously, but for this piece this was much better) it's just beautifully explained in that whole description.
Please keep chasing me Liv, he thought as he took one last look in the direction of her headstone. You have no idea what you’re doing to me.
-This is an absolutely amazing last line. It's so powerful; it's like one of those lines that stays with you a while after you read.

All in all, good work. :)

What We Used to Call "in Love"

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valium knights.:

I don’t really know the fandom, so I’m going to read this as an original fiction.

I like your opening line, the description of the eyes and talking was nice. The rest of the sentence could do with breaking down as it runs on quite a lot. You create a lot of mystery within the pair, and the unusual feeling between the two. I felt you got the chemistry between them well.

I like your tone, it’s really casual and you’ve got it done well so that it feels like a stream of unconscious thoughts. The thoughts build up well, and you narrate it well although it would be nice to see this develop into action, or adding in of another character but I think it is good.

I’d try chopping down your sentences a bit, as a few can run on quite a bit.

Good job.

In My Head.

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I really like this. Your writing is beautiful and just right. You completely nailed the tone of this piece. I just would like to let you know that I really felt it. You made me feel what you were describing, and that's just absolutely brilliant.
additional notes:
Perhaps silent tears are emotionless, or perhaps they’re filled with emotion.
-I love propositions like this. They're either this or they're maybe the opposite entirely, or somehow paradoxically a bit of both. It makes for a great opener; it hooked me right off the bat.
“We have twin cores,” you’d say, ‘We’re meant to be.”
-I totally took twin cores to be a Harry Potter reference. I might just be an uber-nerd here though. xD
I could see your affections in your eyes back then, but the flag I set has been discarded, and now I’m staring out at unmarked territory.
-I love the metaphor in this. It's very powerful and, I think, very fitting as well.
You can’t find the soul behind the eyes, the passion in the kiss or the meaning behind the words.
-This is, at least to me, exactly spot on. You described the feeling so perfectly, that moment when you realize that the person you thought you knew so well was maybe not someone you knew so well. That awareness taints even the best memories, so you can never quite see them the same or without odd feelings in your guts. You just put it all into better words than I have ever been able to manage.

Well, I've rambled enough frankly. Well done, and keep up the good work. Cheers. :)

Pretty Little Bones

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This is an excellent piece. my only recommendation is to brighten the font because it's difficult to read. I can really feel myself inside the narrator's twisted mind. To the point where I'm both disturbed and intrigued at the same time. The blunt sentences with lack of detail actually pull this together quite well. It's straight to the point, but for some reason I have a feeling someone this creepy wouldn't be thinking logically. He wouldn't be paying attention to the scenery around him, just his prey. I would've had no idea it was Kurt, and I'm assuming the boy is Blaine? Poor boys. Great piece.

Please read Panic

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This kept me at the edge of my seat the whole time. It left me full of questions. Who is Dennison? What did the main character do to deserve this? What was the thing she saw with the mangled body?

The second part of the story was really unexpected. I thought after an ordeal like that, she would go to heaven or some other afterworld because she was seeing all white. I thought the mangled face and hand belonged to her at first, but I’m really not sure anymore.

I’m pretty sure I’ll never get these answered, but I like the story despite that.

Some problematic lines:
and there was panic. Just pain. – I thought this part ruined the flow of the words because it made me think, If there was “just pain” then there should be no room for panic. Maybe it should be “And pain” or “And then just pain.”

She knows [that is] alive, – “that she is”

Nothing Like Ice Cream. Some of my concerns are, does the title make sense to you after reading the story? Do you think I should have explained their relationship more or is leaving it up to the reader sufficient?

lighthouse.:

I love love love the banner! It’s a stunning picture.

I really like the imagery you begin with, it’s a powerful start and although the idea may be overused, your words paint it fresh. I like the way you have the wind speak properly it throws the reader in with the characters and makes it more realistic.

I like the length of this, because you put a lot of emotion behind each scene. You’re able to go into great detail without disrupting the plot or overusing words which is a great effect. I think you explained the relationship well – a lot would be lost from more explanation as we wouldn’t have the mystery to help the piece along. However, the name is pretty confusing as to how it would link to the story, that’s the only fault.

Hands.

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This is simple, but brilliant. Like "this is how to drabble" kind of brilliant. I really like the brief, but intense scene you've painted here. It says a lot about the involved characters without literally saying a lot.
All I can focus on is the fingers softly stroking the back of my hand, round and round in a little circle that calms my convulsive pulse.
-I really like the feelings this invokes (as well as the whole drabble of course.) This particular statement is also interesting to me in that it sort of makes me wonder what's been going on before this scene (the "convulsive pulse" and all.) Like it makes me think of someone who's nervous or upset, and how they have that one person who knows how to make everything alright again. (I probably explained that stupidly...)
Your grasp tightens as everything darkens
-I love love love this as a closing line. Just love it.

Well, I really don't know what else to say, but keep up the good work! :D Cheers!

Male Reaction or What We Used to Call "in Love"

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lighthouse.:

Again, I don’t know the fandom so I’m going to read this as original fiction.

I like the mystery you begin with – why haven’t they spoken?

I like your colloquial use of language; it’s made the whole thing very casual and easy to read.

I like the plot line of this, it’s a nice fluffy idea without too much going on all at once but it was a little hard to picture what was happening as the sentence structure was quite similar and there wasn’t much change in vocabulary to grasp the reader.

I really liked the ending line, it was a nice touch and reminded the reader of the beginning of the story.

Northern Lights.

Claimed Northern Lights

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Just by the summary, I can tell this is going to be absolutely adorable. Yayyyyy for cute stories!

Immediately, there's something I can relate to. I've never seen a shooting star either.

Just because I'm a huge punctuation Nazi; “It was right there I swear!” There should be a comma before I swear.

And again... “Of course, it’s not every day you see something like that.” A period after Of course. :)

Omg. Honestly, by the end of this, I don't think I can say a single bad thing about it. This is completely adorable and something I want in my life. <3 Amazing, fantastic, adorable, perfect job. It was so simple but you kept such a good emotional connection through the entire thing. Unf. Amazing work, love.

There wasn't much to say... It was pretty much flawless.

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Less of You <3