One-Shot for One-Shot

  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    claimed. nevermind, already have read it. Cute
    February 4th, 2012 at 07:07pm
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    Claimed Northern Lights

    There wasn't much to say... It was pretty much flawless.

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    Less of You <3
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    Okay, immediately the chapter title (he's like a Walmart version of you, but he'll have to do) drew me in. I don't know what it is exactly about that phrase, but I love the shit out of it. I really like the entire one-shot as well. I think your tone is perfect and very compelling. It's gutting, but not melodramatic in the least. That sort of resigned calm actually just makes it all the more cutting actually.
    He shower's everyday so he doesn't have greasy hair or looks a mess.
    -"shower's" should be "showers" and "looks a mess" should be "look a mess" (think of it this way, you wouldn't say "so he doesn't looks a mess", right?)

    A comfortable hurt. A warm, loving, snug hurt that never wanted to let go but that doesn't matter. I like his hugs better.
    -I love this (and the other moments throughout the piece like it.) It sets your tone so perfectly. In trying to compare notes in favor of the new boy, the old boy still wins. Despite the narrator's best efforts, even things s/he is trying to make a negative go back to something s/he liked and misses.

    I'm really not even sure what else to say. Keep up the good work, dear. :)
    Pretty Little Bones, please.
    February 6th, 2012 at 08:03pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    First thing I feel I have to comment on is the layout. Though I love the banner, the colouring is really hard to read. The alignment on the title really threw me off, and the red doesn’t fit in with the rest of the layout. I would probably have just left the writing on the banner as the only form of title. I would also make the story content white, so it is easier to read.

    I really liked the opening line, it’s really gripping. The narrative tone through the piece is nice and easy to read, and I felt really drawn in and could picture everything clearly. Your powerful language such as I want to break your pretty little bones is really gripping and creates powerful emotions within the reader.

    I love the ending; the way you’ve written this is great! I could feel the suspense throughout the piece, so powerful. Well done!
    Northern Lights. or Hands.
    February 11th, 2012 at 01:45pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    Sorry. Double.
    February 11th, 2012 at 01:45pm
  • shirtless

    shirtless (105)

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    Wow, I honestly don't know what to say. This was so simple and yet it left me speechless. I honestly thought I was reading the summary until I reached the end. I was thinking the entire time "this is really good for being just the intro!"

    For some reason it reminds me of a photograph. It's like there was this picture of two teens getting high and watching the stars and you chose to wrote about it. I can't explain it, at least not in English. It just goes to show that the littlest things in life matter, and I love that you choose to write about those little things. I mean somebody has to. tehe

    I have a thing for astronomy so the entire story just made me grin overall. I liked this a little too much. :}
    Killing Jane
    February 13th, 2012 at 10:55am
  • engine

    engine (200)

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    First of all, I'm obsessed with the banner for the story chapter—absolutely gorgeous.

    The first line grabbed me right away, just the way I want a first line to. Countering the blunt statement with a very visual description immediately afterwards only pulled me in more. You do a nice job of balancing showing and telling.

    I love the way Frank plays the archetypal hopeless romantic—trying so very hard to change a girl beyond help—and I think telling the story from his point of view was a good move. I do, however, think sometimes your narration gets a bit casual for third person perspective. You might consider limited the number of rhetorical questions, like “Would things have been different if Frank hadn’t decided to follow her? …His backpack slid off his shoulder as he thundered down the hall, chasing after the girl that had told him flat out that he basically made her . . . what? Happy, sad, mad? What about him sent Jane yearning for a life that was only existent in her head, and what kind of life was that in the first place?”

    I adore the image of the overpass, and the tiny cars below it. It’s a really powerful picture, and you paint it wonderfully. The final scene could really easily dip into some clichés (beware of too many tears and too much foul language) but you do a nice job of steering clear of most of them, especially when making us believe she won’t jump. You build up the reader’s anxiety wonderfully, only to let us feel a moment of relief and sudden pang of shock and sorrow. It takes us on a really amazing emotional journey, and that’s something to be commended.

    Really impressive work altogether.
    Benediction
    February 26th, 2012 at 02:59am
  • Alphabet Soup

    Alphabet Soup (100)

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    Alphabet Soup:
    This piece was absolutely beautiful. It was able to capture a simple moment in time that is an ordinary occurrence. It wasn’t like a character died or had to go out and protect the world; kids are just playing hide-and-seek. Though it was simple, it still kept my attention. I was looking forward to reading the next sentence wondering what was going to happen next. I feel that not every writer would have been able to pull something like this off equally. You did it with grace.

    However, if this is being told from the view point of a young boy I feel as if some words used are rather “big” for what a child of his age would know. Like “staccato,” “silhouettes,” and the last sentence itself. This made me feel like it lost some of its uniqueness because of this and that the words weren’t coming from Nicholas as much, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

    As for the nitty-gritty stuff:
    She pulled me in close by my collar and, with her breath wet in my ear, whispered.
    I feel as if a colon should be used at the end of this sentence.

    Then with a shove, she led me to the tall St. Augustine grass.
    I’m confused about the “to” used in this sentence. Is the grass near the shed or is it a typo and perhaps “through” was meant to be used? Or if St. Augustine is the place, then perhaps saying “Then with a shove, she led me to the tall grass of St. Augustine” would be a little less confusing.

    pretend to stub my toe on the doorframe so that mother might hear me
    “Mother” in this sentence should be capitalized because it’s replacing her name, or you could put “my” in front of “mother.” Either way. I don’t remember if it happened any other time throughout the story I just happened to catch this one.

    ‘We couldn’t find you,’ she said. ‘You didn’t come when we gave up.’
    […]
    Gracie and Martha didn’t object. Instead they stood patiently on their tip toes, bouncing on the balls of their feet, and ready to run in whichever direction Meg pointed.

    These should be the start of a new paragraph. I know it’s difficult to make a one-sentence-paragraph out of the bottom one, it rubs at me too, but I think it should.
    Westernization.
    June 24th, 2012 at 02:03am
  • This.Useless.Heart.

    This.Useless.Heart. (115)

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    I don't know this fandom (and I only assume this is fanfiction because it seems so.) So, I basically read this as original.
    "Narumi Detective Agency," the owner answered for the latest call... I found the word "for" awkward and unnecessary here.
    ...blood was on his hands, especially his... - I assume the "his" in the phrase "especially his" refers to Raidou andd not Narumi. This is slightly confusing wording though. That pronoun should probably be changed for better clarity.
    I found the closing paragraph to be the most compelling. I feel it brought home the central, underlying theme of this piece in a very clear, strong, and well-written way. Upon reading the title and even the summary, I did not expect the character to feel this issue on such a deeply personal level.
    Overall, this piece was interesting to me. I feel it would have been easier to follow if I knew the fandom/original material, but I could still follow it decently and liked it well enough.
    Possibly the Best Dream Finn Hudson Ever Had (That Didn't Somehow Involve Rachel Berry)
    or
    What We Used to Call 'in Love'
    August 1st, 2012 at 10:06pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    lighthouse.:
    I enjoyed reading this, it wasn’t what I expected and I thought it was a really original idea (I know this Finn’s from Glee but I read him as an OC) and it made me laugh! I love your writing style; your flow makes it feel as if the actions are in a dream – I like that you barely mentioned the scenery or the appearance of characters so that it was hazy like a dream usually is. The piece had good flow and you dealt with dialogue very well. I like the passing mention of Rachel in this; it shows dedication and love over the craziest of dreams.

    The layout is lovely too, it’s really nice and warm and easy to read. Good job!
    Notes.
    September 29th, 2012 at 12:53am
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    lighthouse.:
    Notes.
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    I really like that you strictly used description and action in this piece. There was no dialogue, at all, which made the story seem more formal, and certainly more descriptive. You describe everything so delicately, and it all just flows really well. You really have a true talent for descriptive writing! I really wish I could write a piece like this, it’s just wonderful!
    The way you described the music as bright colors really just stuck with me, because I know there are some people that have a higher understanding of music and would really see music in this way. This piece is just amazing!
    Please comment on Pounding of the Music. Very Happy
    September 29th, 2012 at 05:52pm
  • bona drag.

    bona drag. (935)

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    I had to open this in multiple browsers to make sure it wasn't Safari that was screwing up. The text is outside of the content area on the layout. I'm not sure if that's intentional, it just makes it hard to read with the text on the wood background instead of the purple area.

    I enjoy the Tom Stoppard quote in the summary, probably because Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead is one of my absolutely favourites and I just enjoy his work in general. I don't think that many people know him well so it's not an overused quote so it's very refreshing to see.

    Lindsay slipped a Hamilton into the man's hand and pulled me into the crowd.

    I really like how you described this. Instead of just saying a ten, referencing the man on the bill is actually quite clever. I haven't really seen that before, not for a ten dollar bill at least.

    Gigs like these were full of nobodies with nothing to do.

    This was my favourite line in the story. I just feel like it's a very real, cynical statement, but that cynical aspect is what makes it so truthful. We all know places like that where people go to waste time essentially because it's better than doing nothing at home. It just really stuck out to me.

    Now, I know some lightweights in real life. One of my best friends is beyond help after two vodka and cokes, but half of a light beer seems a bit of a stretch. Either that or I'm just one hell of an alcoholic and don't know it. Shifty

    I enjoyed that she expected Travis to buy her a drink. I find that so typical of girls in clubs and bars that they talk to a guy and he's pretty much obligated to pump alcohol into them all evening otherwise the girl thinks he's a rude jackass. It's something that baffles me about girls, but everyone seems to do it so I love that Kaci was making him pay for her.

    I'm torn on calling the bartender drink slave. On one hand, I think it's really demeaning to the bartender, but on the other I think it says a lot about Kaci. She's a bit rude and has this 'I don't give a fuck' attitude about everything. She's very judgemental of the people at the concert, obvious when she's internally calling Travis a jackass for wearing Converse. Also when she kind of insults him with the twitch comment and then the out of place remark. She's very snarky.

    Quite the opposite, Travis seems very sweet and kind by the way he acts and talks to her, especially when he says don't get offended. I feel like Kaci would have every intention to offend if she were to say that sentence to him first. The fact they're so different from each other is very interesting.

    I think I found my soul mate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.

    I laughed out loud at this because this is my best friend through and through. I don't often read many stories with female characters that can remind me of my crass friends so I thoroughly loved that you made Lindsay like that.

    Your ending is very cute. I like that all throughout the story Kaci has been this tough chick I wouldn't expect to say something like that and she winds up liking Travis. That's surprising, which I think makes it all the more sweet. :)
    Two Pound Coin, please and thank you.
    September 29th, 2012 at 11:59pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    mia san mia.:
    Two Pound Coin, please and thank you.
    Comment:
    This was just so beautifully written. There were some lines that were so beautiful I felt like they could be lyrics to a song.

    I feel in my heart that nowhere and nothing will ever feel like home in the way that you do.

    I think of the days you used to belong to me with a heavy heart.


    There were so many lines in this story that were just beautiful. This piece was so descriptive in both a physical sense and a deeper sense. The way you wrote this piece really allowed me to get a feel for the character and how the relationship and the splitting affected them. Usually, in a piece like this, that doesn’t really happen, so you did a very good job with that.

    I loved how the character went from being upset, to angry, to regretful. You could just see every part of a break up in the emotion in this piece. It was like the character couldn’t get a hold of themselves to even decide what emotion they were feeling, and I like that.

    Each paragraph expressed a new emotion for the character and showed a different part of the relationship. I really like that the character acknowledged that the relationship wasn’t perfect and that the ex had been bad at times, but the character still missed the relationship and the old times they had together.

    I feel like this is a piece a lot of people could relate to. Many people have had to deal with walking away from a bad relationship and regretting their decision, so I think it is a message that could reach a lot of different people.

    I like that even though this story is character and emotion based, you take the time to describe small details, like the rain rolling down the cab window, and the design of the coin. Little things like that show that you put thought into the piece. Even though they are just descriptions, you can tell they have a deeper meaning that really reflects the piece. Like the rain on the cab distorting the character’s vision could reflect the cloudiness in the character’s mind over the situation. The story has deeper metaphors like those, and more obvious ones like the carbon monoxide bit and the bit about the diamond.
    Trident, please!
    September 30th, 2012 at 12:18am
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    lighthouse.:
    I like the structure to this, the shorter sentences and the way the paragraphs are broken up reminds me of the speed of a battlefield (this is what I interpreted as ‘the game’ – great metaphor by the way!) I also like how you do not refer to the ‘trident’ until the end of the one-shot, it’s a great effect to keep the reader wandering the link of the piece to the title.

    The woman seems really mysterious, I like how you keep her anonymous with her name, general appearance and reasoning for fighting – it shows the secrecy of the battlefield really well. The animal imagery of her as a ‘rabbit’ is great, I could picture that really well with the way you phrased it.

    “none of them up to the same standards as he” I know what you mean here, however it’s a little unclear with the way it’s written as to what it actually means. You may want to check over that, but I think it would be okay to leave it anyway.

    Overall, well written and enjoyable to read! Good job!
    Notes.
    October 1st, 2012 at 10:37pm
  • Park Jimin

    Park Jimin (930)

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    ^ claimed Mr. Green
    March 6th, 2013 at 12:25am
  • always infinite

    always infinite (100)

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    Seeing as the person above me never posted their comment, I'm claiming smoke signals.
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    This was really, really good. I love how you've written it in such a simple way, while still using words that don't necessarily fit the simplicity. And by this I don't mean anything negative. I think it's great. I think it really adds to the story that you've chosen the words you chose.

    For me, I think this would have been so much more beautiful if it had been written in past tense. Maybe that's just preference though. I assume your choice of tense is very conscious, and if that's the case I can see why you wrote it in present. When I think of it, either way gives a really good effect. I just got a really strong feeling of a memory when I read this.

    To sum up, I think this was really beautifully done. You did a great job with it.
    In My Old Bedroom
    March 12th, 2013 at 04:49pm
  • purple haze.

    purple haze. (220)

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    smoke signals.:
    I feel your language used really carries the feeling of ‘dreaming’ within the story, which really adds to the mystery and effect I believe you were aiming for. I think you’ve written this plot well, not many people could carry it over. I like the idea of the room being ‘innocent’ it makes me think that it’s perhaps the nurturing or surroundings we have that form us.

    I think you deal with this topic in a very mature and clear way; you treat the subject with respect which is what many people sometimes struggle to do. Although it’s already stated like this is like a dream, it feels very real with the dialogue used and the characters both feel very real yet completely different people despite them both being the same… yet they have a connection, and I’m glad they realise they’re the same person and help each other out. It shows that we can help ourselves when we are down, there’s hope inside us all.

    Beautifully written, brilliant! Keep it up!
    Raindrops please.
    May 12th, 2013 at 03:16pm
  • danse macabre.

    danse macabre. (100)

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    edit;; i'm getting on this, i promise! today's just been really hectic. Facepalm
    May 20th, 2013 at 07:42am
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    smoke signals.:
    Raindrops please.
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    raindrops:
    One thing I noticed throughout the drabble is how you kept referring to the colors of the sky as a palette. It, to me, gives the impression that the sky is just a simple and sometimes random mix of colors that an artists uses to create a masterpiece. It was just something that really stuck out to me maybe because you continued to use the word all through the piece.

    I really like the differing paragraphs, with one being about the clear sky and the sun, while the other was describing a cloudy, rainy day. Just something like that makes me just love piece like this one. And what makes this even better is that you said what the sun and the rain mean to the character. This was just simply amazing and I loved it, if you couldn't already tell.
    Waiting for Her please?
    July 11th, 2013 at 12:52am
  • capheus

    capheus (100)

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    "The layout looked nice and I think that it suited the story very well with the girl, the hoodie and the colors.

    The story overall was really nice, it was sweet and very well written in my eyes. I only saw one thing that I questioned, that was where you wrote, one of the happiest year's, would year's be years instead? I feel like it might be but i'm not sure, but that stuck out to me.

    I feel as though maybe there could have been more emotion put into this writing, just because I didn't feel as if I had gotten into it and really liked the characters, and I know it's a one-shot but i've felt that way before. But I still liked this nonetheless, it wasn't bad."

    Uppers, Downers, All Arounders, please.
    July 11th, 2013 at 05:03am
  • CptLollipop

    CptLollipop (100)

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    I really love your descriptions. You effortlessly capture the characters so vividly it's like really being in the room

    The layout was well made, because despite the mass amount of bright colors you could still read the story with ease.

    I feel like you really paid attention to writing the story in a way that we could feel the narrator getting disoriented as the story went on. And how you captured the dependence that addicts have towards their drug of choice was a nice touch too. I also love that you were able to let the readers know that she was in a hosiptal at the end without actually ever stating it. All in all really great story.

    It's be interested to read the next parts if you do decide to make into a three chaptered fic.

    Perfectly Insane, if you wouldn't mind.
    July 11th, 2013 at 06:28pm