One-Shot for One-Shot

  • capheus

    capheus (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    95
    Location:
    Saint Kitts and Nevis
    Claimed.

    "Woah. That was pretty hardcore I think. I love reading dark stuff that doesn't really have to do with suicide because there is so much suicide on this site it gets a little overwhelminag, so I was happy when I came to this.

    This was really interesting and I just feel that I want to know more about these characters. Like why this girl had to die and why two of the three felt fine with it and Dawn was upset. More questions come to mind just thinking, like how August got the gun, why he and Kylie were perfectly fine killing the girl. And also, just what made them so crazy? I feel as though you could write a whole short story leading up to this point and it would be perfect. This was a great story to me, and it kept me interested the whole way through with your description and the bloodlust. One thing though, ...The door slammed open... I think that just sounds a little odd. Only people we usually hear doors slamming shut but that's not a huge thing.

    I really liked this story though c:"

    Uppers, Downers, All Arounders, please.
    July 11th, 2013 at 08:09pm
  • maus.

    maus. (400)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Diligence:
    Uppers, Downers, All Arounders
    Claimed:

    I feel high reading this. Which is something. As someone who has, sadly, experimented with quite a few drugs, you have such a clear and realistic grasp on the feelings of intoxication. Disorientation, excitement with that twinge of fear and that risk as all so obvious and strong. You really have a great tone in your writing. A few tings that I particularly loved:
    "I only bobbed my head to the beat of the bass pumping like blood through the walls..."
    I love any description of music, but I feel like this one is so original and accurate that I am shocked I've never heard it before.

    "He just smirked, thin lips pulling back to reveal teeth white as piano keys glittering like diamonds in the low light..."
    I love characters like this, and I know people like this as well, the kind snake, someone who you know not to trust, but you feel that if you keep your nose clean, you might actually never had a problem with them.

    Seriously, this is very realistic, and I am just, so in love with it.

    Sibyl, please?
    July 12th, 2013 at 09:44pm
  • CptLollipop

    CptLollipop (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed

    First off, I loved this! You put so much work into the back story it's incredible. I love this future earth that you've created, and the way you've renamed areas. You really relay the culture of this new society, in an in depth manner that doesn't bog the reader down with too many facts. I was so shocked by the ultimatum that the narrator was given at the end of the story, I mean, who would choose not to stay and tend to the oracle. One question I do have though is how does she recite a poem? Like verbally or telepathically?

    The layout was nice, a little cold feeling but I feel that complimented the cold picture painted of the inside of the temple.

    Oh and another question, is there a reason you chose the name Sibyl? Was it a reference to the Sibyl with multiple personalities in some way?

    You have a real writing skill, I enjoyed this a lot!

    Do not enter <-- This one please (It's femmeslash by the way.)
    July 13th, 2013 at 08:00am
  • Audrey T

    Audrey T (6730)

    :
    Admin
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed - Do Not Enter by CptLollipopI really liked this. I was smiling through most of it. I loved not only how you work your descriptions (for example, ...she's managed to escape the accent that I toted around like an unwanted mole.), but also that you provided a lot of small details that really gave the reader a sense of who Flo was (or, at the least, how the narrator viewed her). I especially loved that your descriptions were colorful without being overly flowery.

    Another thing I liked was the informal tone of the story. I like that it kind of read a bit like someone just talking to a friend or writing in a diary. I like that 'memoir' feel it's got.

    Also... steel ovaries. Shifty

    While reading this part - That really just meant that they didn't approve of things like tattoos, atheists and homosexuals. I was two of the aforementioned, and if the town had a tattoo shop, and I was 18, I probably would've been all three, and until last Sunday morning, I thought she was only an atheist. - I get the idea it was supposed to convey and I love how it was supposed to be said, but I think there's something there in the wording that kind of messes with the flow.

    I found the second half of the story kind of...surprising? I don't know. It felt a littl strange to me, but I guess that's the point? It's supposed to be a bit of a shocker. After reading it, it made me rethink the time-period the story was written in. (I initially thought it was in fairly modern times, but the whole people showing up in a white van to take her away seemed a little old-fashioned. Though, I guess if it's more of a 'conversion camp' and not a 'psychiatric hospital' thing it could be in modern times. I was little unsure on what exactly was going on.)

    All in all, I thought this was an interesting story. I really liked the beginning (and I probably would have liked it better if it ended with the sweet), but ending was definitely something too.

    * I ended up switching to the default layout because I found the custom layout a little busy.

    Either of the following would be great:

    In Good Health
    Little Spoon
    January 6th, 2015 at 11:51pm
  • Jefferson Starships

    Jefferson Starships (330)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    21
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed - In Good Health
    ---
    Very nice story!

    I thought you characterized Sam, Dean and Cas very well. Dean is too stubborn to admit he needs help. As always. Sam tries to give his little tid-bit of help with the tea and lemon tip, but he gets shot down by Dean. And Cas is so caring, he goes out of his way to help because he knows Dean can't get through the cold on his own, and he knows what's good for Dean even if Dean doesn't know. Everything just fit so well together and the characters are written excellently.

    I also really liked that you gave the gross, unappealing details of how Dean's illness was affecting him. I know most writers would have just thought it was icky and would not describe how Dean got snot on his pillow, then subsequently all over his face and eyes. Yak

    The ending was very cute. It was a lovely way to end a one-shot about how much it sucks to be sick, honestly.

    When I used to read lots and lots of Destiel, I really loved domestic fics, so this was right up my alley and I liked it. Nice job! Mr. Green
    ---
    warning: smut
    Office Affairs
    March 12th, 2015 at 10:36pm
  • JamieAllOver.

    JamieAllOver. (300)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    22
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    JamieAllOver.:
    Hi! I'm from the One-Shot for One-Shot Comment Thread!

    I didn't know Friends fanfiction was something that existed. I also did not know that it was something I was severely lacking in my life. I think that fact that Chandler was originally meant to be gay sort of helps makes this seem as though it could've happened in the Friends universe. Some sort of backstory that was kept from everyone else, maybe? There was one part that I especially loved, a little near the beginning, where it was as though I could actually hear them saying it.

    "Good. That means it's s'posed to be more meaningful or somethin', right?" Joey laughs against the corner of the other's lips, pecking.

    "It's always meaningful," Chandler quips a second before Joey recaptures his mouth.


    While you changed something that was a major part of who they were, you were also able to keep them the same at the same time, and honestly I think that's pretty admirable (I do wish that you'd shown Joey's accent a little more in his dialogue, but it's not something I'd worry about, really). Then, of course, there's the smut. Some of the best that I've read in a while, I think. They're incredibly sexy about it, but the little "I love you"s near the end--gah, my poor heart. Personal preference here when I say that I think Joey would be the top. But at the same time, he's totally a bottom? Yeah, doesn't make sense to me either.

    But I really kind of just wanna lick my screen... look what you've done to me.
    Medicate
    July 14th, 2015 at 07:17am
  • pocahontas.

    pocahontas. (565)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    23
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed: Medicate by JamieAllOver.
    steve rogers.:
    This is great; I love how the summary is from the printout that tells you all the drug information of what you're being prescribed. That's a nice touch (and informational.) I've had to take quite a bit of pain/anxiety medication and had a lot of panic attacks in the last few months and the way you describe everything seems really accurate.

    The whole time I was reading all I could do was wonder why he was in a withdrawal; why he had been taking something like that for so long. You did really well with building the feeling of frustration and again with building the feeling of terror.

    Overall, this was really good.

    A few things stood out to me as odd so it would be nice to have some background as to why he was taking the Oxy, and how long he had been off of it. 1. His anger seemed, to me, to go from developing normally to extremely dramatic; 2. The abusive turn the story took seemed slightly out of place - had he gotten like this before? is his general anger harsher than average? The trippy layout is a nice touch but seems fitting for something like LSD; I would have figured a darker look for this.

    Who
    July 29th, 2015 at 11:10am
  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

    :
    Board Moderator
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    Canada
    Claimed
    losing control.:
    First, I just wanted to point out that this layout is really lovely.

    The whole premise of this is just so sad, and I can really relate to it because I've been in a similar situation before so I know those feelings really well.

    I like that there's different parts within the story with the dialogue, talking about the therapist, and the lyrics, but it all felt like it flowed together really well. I was almost expecting it to feel a bit disjointed because of how it looked when I skimmed it first, but I was pleasantly surprised with how well it worked. I also really like how you started out with the dialogue and just brought the reader right into the situation. You really added a lot of description in even though the character was technically talking (to the therapist I'm think?) which was really cool.

    The only thing was that, even though I could feel some emotion and knew what you were trying to get across, something in the connection felt a little blocked. I felt like there was so much emotion written into the words but for some reason it wasn't quite getting across to me. I think it may have been because the language was sort of formal and it felt kinda rigid maybe? Not entirely sure.

    But I thought you did a wonderful job with this!
    Heartbeat Melody
    May 2nd, 2016 at 12:03am
  • inactive;;;

    inactive;;; (210)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    23
    Location:
    Antarctica
    Claimed
    Quote
    Layout
    I love the simplicity of the layout, but it also speaks volumes, if that makes sense.

    Summary
    Once again, the summary is simple, but speaks loads of volumes. I can already tell this is going to be super sweet and will probably make my teeth rot and fall out, but in the best way possible.Cute

    One/One
    I love how you set up the mood in the first paragraph. The couple laying in the darkness together, but with a little light coming in. It sounds so relaxing and gave me a really good mental picture of the room.

    Everything you said came together beautifully. You could really tell that there was a lot of love, simply by describing their movements. I personally loved the fact that there wasn't dialogue. You said it all with your descriptions. I got to see a sneak peak at two people that really loved one another, and I appreciated that so much.

    I personally didn't see any mistakes. This was a beautiful one-shot. Well done!
    Thanks For Playing
    May 2nd, 2016 at 08:18am
  • lost em.

    lost em. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    93
    Location:
    United States
    @ caligulasAquarium
    Claimed> Finished Cute
    Quote
    Layout + Summary

    The layout is cute and very blue lol I'm assuming it's meant to look like the sky and it totally succeeds (unless it's not, then it's merely a bonus XD )

    The title is neat as well. I feel like I just got booted out of a game show lmfao And the summary is small and doesn't give much detail, so I'm intrigued

    lift your hands toward the sun


    thought was cut off
    > though

    I'll be honest, I'm not familiar with this fandom, so I'm not 100% what's happening. Even that, however, doesn't cover up the goosebumps that rose along my arms as I read the ending. I can only imagine they all went through a great deal, fighting and crying together, overcoming their obstacles at last.

    Despite me not knowing this fandom, you made it easy to jump into the character's story and see what was going on, even without telling me what happened to lead everyone to this ending. This is very nicely written and I just may have to check out this show Cute
    Sweet Sorrow, please? Cute
    May 3rd, 2016 at 08:11pm
  • Shirogane

    Shirogane (100)

    :
    NaNoWriMo 2016
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed
    Quote
    First off, I LOVE your layout. This is an amazing one although, I would recommend black text on a white background. Overall, amazing. And the summary really draws me in, even for its simplicity.

    I love your chapter title and how you incorporated the theme of tears later on, too.

    This story is amazing. It's so short, but so much happens. It's brilliantly detailed and vivid. I got attached to Moira just through her briefness and her emotions that you described. Why was she killed, though? What was the Fountain? The Heavens? There is so much potential for this to expand into more than just a one-shot. I'd love to see you create more for this.

    I didn't notice any mistakes. This was brilliantly written, and I commend you for it greatly. I've never gotten so attached so quickly.
    Moonlight's Danger
    May 3rd, 2016 at 10:50pm
  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15230)

    :
    Admin
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Claimed!
    Quote
    The first line of this is super-ominous. Puts the reader right into the middle of everything and leaves you with an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach as you read ahead. It really sets the scene quite well, especially when you read further down and get to the scene where Lupin attacks Snape. It's a horrible thing to happen, because I don't know whether to feel sorrier for Snape or for Lupin. I mean, obviously, Lupin has this curse that he can't control and I imagine as much as the Marauders are always portrayed as hating Snape, Lupin has that sense of humility in him and I imagine he'll feel awful. On the other hand, Snape doesn't deserve to be inflicted with the curse that Lupin lives with, and I imagine that's such a crushing blow for him to have happen -- evidenced at the end when Snape mentions that he wants to die. It's such an awful situation and it seems typical of Dumbledore's way of running the school that the other two don't get at least punished gravely for ruining his life.

    I liked this take on the Marauders. It's interesting to read something that's from mostly Snape's view instead of Sirius or James' view, and I enjoyed your interpretation of these events. Nice job!
    Trenches
    September 9th, 2018 at 10:19pm
  • butterfly lovers.

    butterfly lovers. (205)

    :
    Mibba Master
    Gender:
    Age:
    90
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed!
    othello.:
    OHMYGOD. That beginning was everything for me. It started out so exquisitely that I seriously find myself not wanting to stop reading.

    I've never read any war pieces before this. It was a little bit intimidating just thinking about it. But now that I actually read it (and reread it like three more times), I'm so glad I didn't wuss out lol. The idea and vision of war are so gruesome to me, but the way you captured it was so beautiful. The imagery was so strong in this, I felt like I was in it and I didn't want to leave, which is wild because war is the last place anyone wants to be in. I just can't over the fact that it felt so real reading it, it was trip that I'd definitely cut through the line and ride over and over again.

    Reading it was heartbreaking since this was a real war. It's just crazy to me how much it feels like this is a real soldier's perspective on the events, but it's not. IT'S THE POWER OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL WRITING, MY FRIEND. Also that last sentence, "Because war stops for nobody, and Tokyo is next." Wow. This was such a powerful ending despite it just being one simple sentence. I am so moved.

    You did a fantastic job, you are truly a gifted writer!
    Beside You.
    February 7th, 2019 at 01:11am
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

    :
    Drabble Scribe
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed.
    aubs:
    For some reason, I already have a bad feeling about her just after reading the first paragraph. I'm expecting the worst, and I'm hoping that I am completely wrong and she is going to bed fine and will be back with him soon.

    I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't surprised, but it did surprise me that the girl was his daughter, and not a girlfriend. I like that small little twist that I don't usually see in stories. I really enjoyed how their relationship was described throughout the chapter; as he began spending more and more time with her, their bond - to me - became stronger. Something else I really liked is the small things that they did together, like shopping, that really solidified their strong bond.

    While I did like the multitude of scenes in one chapter, it did feel a bit rushed. So much time passed throughout the piece that could have been separated into multiple chapters; this would also give you a chance to add more details about the characters like Wynona because I did want to know a little more about their short relationship before Lottie came along, as well as his band mates. I wouldn't even mind this being a full-fledged story instead of just a short story like it was.

    That being said, I really enjoyed this. It started off happy and light-hearted to more emotional as it got closer to the end. It was a slow build-up, which was nice, and was worth it in the end, even though it was sad and pulled at the heart strings.
    You're Finally Mine
    February 8th, 2019 at 08:16am
  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    70
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Claimed!
    Park Jimin:
    Holy guacamole, that took a turn! In hindsight, this had a sort of ominous tone to it but at first, I thought she had like drugged him and was gonna take advantage of him. That ”Local teen found missing from his grave. Police are searching for the missing body" bit really hit me. It's short and to the point but it packs a punch. It's amazing that in only a couple hundred words, you managed to write something so vivid and full of emotions. Your wording is simple but effective. I feel like using this easy vocabulary and short sentences really make the story all the more interesting and gives it more impact, since the focus is all on the development of the story and the eerie way she speaks. The descriptions are also so on point, not overdone but just enough that I can picture the scenery but it doesn't give away too much. At some point, I just knew something off was going on but I didn't expect him to be literally dead, so that was really well executed.

    This was a great read and although I wish I had more to read, this is the perfect length for the story and, had it dragged more, the surprise effect would have been ruined. Great work!
    Blooming Lungs, please!
    February 9th, 2019 at 12:06am
  • butterfly lovers.

    butterfly lovers. (205)

    :
    Mibba Master
    Gender:
    Age:
    90
    Location:
    United States
    Claimed!
    sebastian michaelis.:
    This was so beautiful to read, you have no idea. You started off strong, for me personally. And in little ways, it's great for readers such as myself who are unfamiliar with the fandom you are writing for. It kept me hooked and wanting to read more, which I'm happy I did because this was A++++

    I loved the idea of a record store owner and flower shop owner! Two wholesome things that keep my heart warm and fuzzy lol. I loved the description/narration within this one-shot. I could really feel and connect with Hoseok and Yoongi as I was reading this.

    So I had two favorite sentences/passages in this story that I am still not over:

    But for some reason, Hoseok felt his life had been touched by Yoongi, his serene presence quieted Hoseok's loud mind and the darkness of the record store made his flowers seem all the more dazzling by contrast."

    Literally?? This was so powerful to me and it resonated with me on so many levels. I have felt the way Hoseok has before and it just baffles me that you put it into words.

    "Yoongi's. He wasn't in love with the older nor did he want him as more than a beloved friend. He loved Yoongi the way his flowers loved the earth: he fed off of his tranquility but he didn't feel any ardent desires."

    This was also very beautiful and very powerful to me. It was obviously more sad to me since Yoongi didn't return the feelings Hoseok had. But as I was reading it, it was so well written that it made me forget how sad it was? lol.

    Overall, this was a super great read! Well done! :)
    Unhinged and Disgusting, please. c:
    April 18th, 2019 at 12:08am
  • strawberrylegs

    strawberrylegs (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    21
    Location:
    United States
    claimed!
    strawberrylegs:
    Gotta preface this by saying I have never seen Black Butler (but it's on my bucket list)

    The summary drew me in right away with the juxtaposition of a handsome person being seemingly stuck between sentences highlighting the concept of disgust.
    I like how removed just the first paragraph sounds from human emotion and reasoning. The narration is very analytical and posh in my opinion; I dig that.
    PUNS! HA. Oh, I'm a fan already of your writing style.
    Sleep is also recreational for me too, Sebastian. Big relate.

    This is the first thing I could even think to correct so far; “Sebastian!” the maid exclaims, I would just capitalize 'the'. But that's just me nitpicking. Clearly doesn't take away from the story at all.

    The way you describe body language and the purpose it serves is really neat, like right here; He tries to slouch his back, his eyes sinking nearly shut to convey weakness. He even lets out a fake cough, anything to make the act more believable.

    Welp, I did not expect that transformation scene. This went in a direction I was not anticipating; him being so insecure in his true form. Makes me feel bad. But as to why he feels that way is understandable - being what appears to be a violent demon with bloodlust and all.

    He didn’t need to use pretty words in order to break that damned reaper into pieces until his bones resembled shards of cheap glass. I'm a sucker for unique descriptions of gore. Cute
    The way you portray how Sebastien experiences and feels Ciel's fear through his senses is /very/ poetic, especially with the line about the perfume bottle. I loved that.

    Overall, without knowing anything about these characters, you made them have a lotttt of personality just through their dialog. Your writing style alone won me over. You had tons of fantastic metaphors in here that made the imagery in my mind as beautiful as it was unsettling and spooky.
    Pinkish, please ^^
    April 18th, 2019 at 12:42am