The (Giving) Comment Swap Thread

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This is a different kind of comment swap thread; instead of receiving a comment for one of your own pieces, you post someone else's piece (story, drabble, poem, etc) for a comment. Almost like a random acts of kindness thread for comments. :)

But there are rules:

• Make a post to claim the piece above you. Do not post the next piece until you've commented.
• When you have commented, edit your post here: add your comment and the link to whatever piece you're recommending and what category it falls under, i.e. drabble, poem... (Don't forget to leave a comment on that story's comment page too.)
• All comments must be at least 100 words long. This excludes quotes and the fixing of errors. (It's not all that hard to come up with 100 words).
• Anything can be posted in the thread (poems, drabbles, one-shots, chaptered stories, articles, news, reviews).

For feedback on your own stories, please use the Story Comment Swap.

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Psychonaut (drabble)

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I thought this was really interesting. I liked the comparison between the loneliness of the astronaut of the dream and that of the main character. I liked the comparison between the isolation the astronaut brought upon himself by escaping earth in his spaceship and the isolation of the main character brought upon by, possibly, his lifestyle, and his escape from his reality with the use of drugs. I also liked the comparison between the earth being destroyed so the astronaut can never go back and possibly the main character's world being destroyed because of his own actions and (even though the world still exists) it doesn't necessarily exist for him (probably because of metaphorical bridges he's burned in the past).

A Hidden World of Sunken Beauty by BackSplash (one-shot)

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They sky was so vast, - The :)

It was some kind of two leg device in order to cross the great ocean. - I feel like this would be a bit easier/better to read if you went like: used in order, it just a feels a little incomplete and like there's something missing with the way it's written.

Prince Felipe!” A bunch of male - I have a feeling that it's meant to be a lower case 'a' after the dialogue, because - if I'm reading it right - the voices are shouting out the happy birthdays, so it should be a lower case 'a.'

just like merman in the - a merman or mermen

As his eyes traveled down - travelled

“It is time to feast!” A loud voice shouted, - lower case 'a' again

“Storm!” A two leg yelled - same as above

“Abandon ship!” A voice cried - same again. :)

I like the contrast you use between the world under the ocean and the world above it. I thought it was really nice, like how the moon and the stars were something seemingly so exotic to Morgan. I just liked how, while it seemed so simple for a reader, it was so much more for the character. :) Like an innocence of sorts. I also like how the world under the water seemed to mirror the above in a way - classes on sea creatures and how even the son of Neptune can make a 'common' mistake as to what a crab is saying. I thought that was a light comic relief. :)

I also liked the constant reference to 'two leg,' it just made it feel even more alien and that Morgan doesn't quite fully know the extent of the world above at all. And I like that the foreignness about it all intrigues him so much that he begins to form an attachment to Prince Felipe, someone he's never even encountered before or will ever encounter again. It's like that moment will always stick with the character - that moment when he could have possibly had the best of both worlds.

Anywho. :) I thought it was a really nice story, it's well-written, it's got that fantasy feel and it's got those comic moments to make it feel like a really good read. :) And it feels like such an innocent piece, and that's really nice. :)

Blackbird by My Hideous Heart (poem)

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Wow, this piece was really lovely. This is the first poem I’ve read on Mibba and I really adore it. The way you explained death and wanting to die was incredible. My interpretation of this was she/he is suicidal. That she/he is tired of being a disappointment and everyone is always looking down on him/her. Maybe self-harming is the addiction that helps relieve his/her pain and one day he/she may really die from it one day. I really enjoyed reading this. It was absolutely beautiful. The way you wrote about the blackbird, clawing and ripping, dragging you through life because he is the only one that understands was brilliant. I loved all of the bird like references, it was very well written.

It Feels Like I'm Alive - Chaptered story by Eberle;

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I liked this alot. you describe her heir very well. and I like how she's a small woman but she can fight back like any man, if you know what I mean (;
the only place I wasn't sure if you'd made a spelling error or not was here; "There were fewer workers to tend to the fields," is it supposed to say fewer, or is it few? I'm not sure, I'm not native English so I can't tell. :s
else I thought it was well described, and good english you got there (;
is it from a movie? 'Coz I would like to see it then (:

First Steps oneshot, by Fall To Pieces. (Layout by me thought (: )

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“Mrs. Desrosiers,” the midwife that was there said, - I think this part of the line reads a little too awkwardly. :/ I think because she's in labour and pushing a baby out, it's a given that a midwife will be there to help her, so maybe the line could read like: "Mrs Desrosiers," the midwife began, "Would you like some gas and air?"

“Y-Yes…P-Please.” She stuttered. - comma and lower case 's'

give me a big push.” The midwife - comma and lower case 't'

The head’s out.” The midwife - comma and lower case 't'

She screamed as she pushed down to her bum - I'm just leaving this here because I'm not too sure what's being implied here. So, I think this line might need a little re-working.

after being led on - laid?

and lifted up her leg putting - you don't need 'up' in that sentence, because lifting indicates that it's going up. :)

Grace’s head as he balled his t-shirt up into her tiny hands. - she rather than he?

Grace look at her mom - looked

little family.” She said - comma and a lower case 's'

I think this a nice little piece to read, I like that you started with the birth and then went to a year later, the two milestones of life, I guess. :) And I like how each part was in the moment, rather than the before's and afters of those moments.

One thing that really got to me while I was reading was that you never gave David's wife a name, or much of an identity. She was just David's wife, and the midwife didn't have a name either. If she was a legitimate midwife, she'd be pretty close to David's wife, and they'd all be on first name basis. I just thought it was a little strange that neither of them had names. I also feel that you used 'David' too much to begin a sentence. I think you could have just gone 'He' or 'His,' just so there's no constant repetition. He was the only male in the story, so it wouldn't be confusing.

Other than that, though, it was a nice simple piece. :)

Yesterday's Feelings by dr. faustus (one-shot)

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I've read, and loved, a lot of your work, and while this is - in essence - as brilliant as the others, I felt like perhaps this was hastily posted before being proofread or edited. There were spots where the wording was choppy or a bit confusing or where it seemed like words were missing, which made this a bit difficult to follow - I kept having to read places over because the flow was interrupted. I'm not sure if that was done purposely or by error.*

Other than that, I did enjoy reading this. I liked the simplicity of the idea of promise and what they mean to some people - how to some it's as good as a binding contract and to others promises are made pretty flippantly and carelessly. Even though the story was about Jeremy, mainly, I would have liked to see more of the girl - not specifically hearing from her or actually seeing her in the story, but maybe learning a bit more about her. At the end of the story, my image of her felt pretty vague, and since her relationship with Jeremy is a focal point of the story, I think it would have been nice to know more. (Though maybe, since she's nameless, you meant to keep us in the dark about her.)

At the end there seemed to be a sudden (and awkward) shift in narrative voice. The story was mostly told in third person and then you switched to something close to 2nd person, where it's almost like you're talking to or about the audience - 'Somewhere deep inside there was this feeling of hope where one day, you wanted Jeremy to fix that car...' - I found that a bit off-putting, mostly because it came as a surprise.

No Room for Ghosts by spacejunkie

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Wow. This is really good. Seriously. I love your descriptions and your style so very much that when I tried to pick out my favorite lines to take notes one I just could not narrow it down. You just wrote it all so beautifully and well. The first chapter set the scene and the tone quite perfectly, and the second has me intrigued by the characters. I would like to know more about how they met, the incident they are referring to, and what they are going to do. In short, you've done well to make me invested and curious about them. Additionally, I love the summary. It is well-written and pulled me in instantly, making me want to read the story.

So, well done and keep up the nice work. :)

Curvature. (drabble) by fun ghoul fez.

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I am guessing this is a Doctor Who fanficiton, but honestly, it didn't come off like that so I was able to get into it and actually appreciate it.

Is it bad that I got a little turned on? This line got me if it's the way it ripples when the Doctor does a certain thing, moving in sync with Rory's moans . I got this really hot image in my head and I just...yeah. Wonderful. Very few stories ever get me turned on. Very VERy few get me turned on that easily. I feel a little violated, you should take me out to dinner after this review. Or at least give me a cigarette. Haha.

I also like how you took simple word like curvature and made it into a really beautiful story. And the focal point of the spine. Like you took this small part of the human body and put it in a light that just drenched it in beauty. Never have I ever saw someone appreciate a spine so much. You use no dialog, everything is communicated through these actions, and it just flowed so perfectly. It was almost like a song. Wonderful :)

I Can Smirk Too by brandonalex

Claimed. (I think this is a fantastic idea.)

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Okay, I don't usually (ever) comment on poems, so I don't really know what to say. Firstly, your grammar is kind of off. You have to put spaces after commas and periods! And I's are supposed to be capitalized. And it's "no one" not "no-1".

But for content, I like when you talk about the glass being half empty and then being ready for it to be full. Also, I like the bit about the "twelve step program".

I'd just suggest fixing your grammar and punctuation, because it made it kind of hard to read. But the content was good. (:

Memories Remain by Longlive;;

Claiming. Commented

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colored hair away from his exhausted features. - I think 'face' would sound a little better in this sentence. Or, maybe even sweeping his hair out of his tired eyes? I think 'features' makes it sound a little too distant in a way. Maybe a little more precision kind of gets that family intimate feel kinda thing.

She gripped harder onto the cool metal chains of the black swing, - I think the flow is a little off in this, maybe something like: Her grip tightened around the cool...

in the land of toddlers.” His voice trailed off, - I think a comma needs to go in here because it's related to his speech. So maybe toddlers," his or toddlers," he said as his voice began to trail off...

“I happen to like swinging. You’re never too old to feel like you’re flying. By the way, I’m eighteen; you were close. - I think this is a lovely few lines here. :) I just like how they make the characters seem really conversational with each other, just some light humour. :) It reads really well.

Once again, it sounded like bells. - this might just be me (because I'm listening to music so things aren't sticking in my head as much as they could be whilst I read), but..bells? What sounds like bells? His voice, their surroundings, warning bells in her head? It just sounds a little odd. But I do apologize if I missed an earlier reference to bells. :)

she whispered, before glancing up - you don't need that comma in there. :) It reads nicely without it.

forget the sight of her, blushing and smiling at him.” - same goes with this one. I think without the comma, particularly in this sentence, it sounds a lot sweeter and lovelier with what's happening. :)

It stuck to their ankles, but neither paid it much attention as the cool water lapped against their shins. - shins = above ankles. I feel like the water would be taking the sand off their ankles as it moved out. Maybe if you wanted to keep that sentence you could twist it to something like: but neither paid it much attention as they stepped into the cool water, letting it lap against their shins, taking away the sand.... something like that maybe?

me this last week, when - I also don't think the comma needs to be in this sentence.

tell you that got an internship - that I got?

This may also just be me; “She said yes. And he knew he was the luckiest person in the world, so he proposed and they got married,” Samuel said, his own chocolate eyes glancing lovingly between his girls.

“Then they lived happily ever after, and had a beautiful baby girl,” Natalie finished, sneaking a kiss with Samuel. - but I feel like those few paragraphs kind of make it a little too cheesy. :/ HOWEVER! the following paragraphs between Natalie and Samuel are just lovely, especially with “It’s the best fairytale I know.” - I think that line is absolutely wonderful. :)

Overall, I think it's a really nice story. I like how it's about the parents and Rae is oblivious to this which makes it all the more sweeter. I also like how there's that bout of conflict where Samuel was lost for words when Natalie said she loved him. I thought it was great. :) It's just an overall sweet story. :)

A Holiness to the Heart's Affections by Piccolo the Great (one shot)

Claimed.

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I should start by saying I haven't seen the film Bright Star so please forgive me if any of my assumptions related to that are incorrect.

From this story alone, I'm not to sure what's happening here, but I'll take a whack at it: Keats is in love with Brawne but he thinks there's something going on with Brawne and Brown, though Brown denies (and possibly Brawne does like Brown).

The first paragraph just blew me away. I loved the description of the setting and events happening here. It wasn't too much, and it wasn't too bleak. It was just perfect. I loved that through your description of something as simply as how each character walks, you've already managed to say a lot about each character.

I particularly liked these two lines: ...whose step developed a speed to match his famous wit. and ...and his heart swelled sickly in his chest.

I really liked the way you described Keats actions, his nervous/angry/emotional ticks and oddities. I think it added a lot to his characterization and really helped to let the readers see his frustration and allow us to take a guess at why that is. I think his impatience, the nervousness, the (almost) repressed anger, and the fidgeting did really well to express how Keats really felt about Brawne and how much it bothered him that he couldn't actually just come out and say it.

Please read (and comment) Cyclone Fever (one-shot)

Claimed + commented.

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Summary
I like the names of the two characters, they're really quite interesting and intriguing. :) And I also like how you've put 'Hurricane', because it starts to make the readers question why it's written like that instead of put down as a name and nothing more. And you do that with 'love' too, and again it makes the reader question, but it's also cool because even the narrator is questioning it as well! I think it's a really good summary, it presents the idea of love and the two characters and how 'Hurricane' has some issued(?) that might need to be sorted out and what not. You set it up well and feed some curiosity to the readers. :)

Fire and Ice
‘Sometimes I really need to get out of my own head,’ I mumbled into my hands. - I feel like this is a really good line to start the story off because it goes back to the summary really well. You depict her as someone who is constantly running and in a way it makes you think she would have to live in her own head because there was nowhere else safe enough for her; living in her head is the only way to kind of not be disappointed I guess?

That was how it always was. That was how it should be. We weren’t supposed to be falling in love. And we weren’t. Of course we weren’t...

I just had to keep telling myself that. - I also like this part here. :) She's admitted she needs to let emotion into her life every now and then but she's also vowed to kind of never do it and then she's got this problem of falling in love. And I like how it trails off and she has to tell herself that she shouldn't fall in love, but she knows it's going to happen. :) I like how it depicts Hurricane as a strong person (even if it's her own idea of herself) and yet there's something making her weak and maybe that's why she doesn't want it to happen...because she's fought hard for everything else and doesn't want to fall because of love.

Then cue to the problem of deceiving Arjan(?) and it not working out too well. :) Nice conflict within the plot there. :)

his voice low in the dim, concrete room that seemed to be growing hotter and smaller with every passing second, the walls closing in around us. It was late and, for the first time in weeks, I really was exhausted. I felt dizzy and sick, almost feverish. I should be going to bed. - I like the description here and how everything happening to her is making her feel this way. :) It's a really nice way to show how she feels about being too close to people. :) Especially when she's trying to kid herself that she's not in love ;)

Without warning, he was there again, his eyes like flames in a cold night, his calescent touch scorching my frozen skin, his soft breath breathing warmth into my desolate soul. We were Fire and Ice. He was all the warmth and heat that I did not possess. We were opposites, but maybe that was a good thing. - this is also just wonderful description; the contrasting is nice it's just well thought-out! :)

I think the natural/weather imagery is just so good within this piece, it really captures the relationship between the two and the kind of person Hurricane is - even her 'name' kind of denotes some kind of disaster. :) I think it's just thought-out so well and the description is just great. :) It's a really nice read and I liked how in the ending that she didn't succumb to anything; she fought back and became the person she wanted to be. :)

Morsmordre by homewrecker (chaptered; only two there)

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I love this. I love that I only found out it was a HPFF from the word 'Azkaban' in the seventh paragraph. I love that your writing is so simple and so gorgeous, and so in the moment and perfectly formed. I love how dark it is, and how fucking well-written this thing is. I love your knowledge of sentence structuring, and I love that it all seems so effortless.

they, with the empty eyes, had been hoping for a brief minute or two of silence as...

Wow. I don't know what it is about that part, but it made me so happy. I just love how well you describe dementors and everything in general is just perfect. It doesn't seem like a Harry Potter fic at all. It is so professional and serious and put together.

God, you just get this. You get everything. I mean, every little part of this is just so wonderful.

I find that in the second chapter your wording slips in a few tiny places. If you were to go back and read through - perhaps out loud - you would find the awkward structuring there. Also in the third paragraph you write "...determinedly towards the window, outside." the comma there is excessive.

Just wow. This is so great.

By the way the title is kick-ass. I simply adore it. I adore this story, too. I'm recc'ing and subbing this to pieces. And you. <3

Totenschädel by Alexander Bernadotte. <3

I've claimed Morsmordre because Totenschädel has been taken down.

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Coming into this story I didn't really know what to expect. I did love the layout though. I love how it all just looks together and I think it's very nice and beautiful.

so i don't usually read things or works of writing on Harry Potter, just because I don't know enough about the whole thing to understand a lot of it but this was so beautifully written. I honestly enjoyed this very much and wish so much that it would be updated. I think you're a great writer and this story has a very good start, I hope you continue it sometime or maybe even if you don't want to I hope it stays online, so I can share it around.

Please comment on Candace Cane's Guide to Being Sad [:

Fair:

Please comment on Candace Cane's Guide to Being Sad [:

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Comment:

Okay, I already love Candace. She's just such a diverse character and you can tell you put a lot of thought into her, even in the beginning.

She's a procrastinator (her staring at the blank computer screen) and she gets distracted easily (her watching the cop show instead of working), and best of all, she bakes! She's just already such a well-rounded character and I really like that.

I also like that you gave some background about Aubrey's character as well, instead of just leaving her as Candace's flat roommate with no personality or meaning.

Even in the beginning, you can tell you put a lot of thought into this story and I really admire that! Great job

Used to Know (One shot)

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First things first; I'm a fan of the layout. The colors aren't perfect matches for the banner or anything, but they still work well, and it's simple and very classy. ...Which is funny, because that face in the banner is so not classy, but somehow it works. ^^

The opening is direct and tells us exactly what's going on, so it's easy to get a mental picture even from the start. And -- ha! -- I thoroughly enjoyed the commentary on not understanding Americans' dancing. ...Yeah, that sounds about right.

And I actually like the opening even more know, having just read the flashback and everything. I think that works really well, and it's so nice that you already put him in a place before dropping into a flashback. This is easier to connect with, it's easier for me to understand why he seemed surprised to see her, why he rubbed at his eyes. I'unno, I'm just a fan of the Present-Flashback-Present thing more than the Flashback-Present. /shrug.

I also liked the parallel of TJ calling out for Francesca to wait, just as he had in the past. There's a beautiful symmetry to that. And then that ending; it really got me! I'm glad that you didn't end this with them patching everything up perfectly and having sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and wedding bells and all of that nonsense. No, this is real, this makes sense. ...I'm also a sucker for non-happy endings, so maybe I'm biased. xD

Overall, love, this was a great one-shot! Even though I'm not a part of the fandom, I was able to connect with the characters, and, like I said, the ending really stuck with me! (:

Spellbound by the 1975. It's three chapters, but they're short and together under 5k words, so it shouldn't be too much trouble. Also, it's a Teen Wolf fanfic, but it can be read without having seen the show as long as you know Isaac and Scott are teenage werewolves, and Isaac had a pretty rough childhood.

aubree james.:

This is a comment from the giving comment swap! Your story was submitted about a year ago! :$

Firstly, I don't know too much about Teen Wolf, so please bare with me.

I like the layout, the grey/black waves content background coincides nicely with the black solid page. The banner is super intense, because he's staring. I do wish it wasn't so large, and that there wasn't writing throughout the content border though.

I read the first three chapters, and I'm confused. Probably because I don't know anything about Teen Wolf, but that shouldn't be a problem. I think you should go back and put some more information into these first three chapters. Anyone should be able to pick up your story and know exactly who the main characters are a few chapters in. I think you should add in details on setting too. Your story should be able to be appreciated by everyone!

Your narration has a very clear voice which is very helpful! It's a bit negative, but I suppose the main character is too. Some bits of interaction are super funny though. I love the genuine moment between Isaac and Scott's mom, I can tell that he really does feel wrecked and just needs someone to care without knowing.

Overall I think your story has a great start and deserves to be read by as many people as possible! Don't limit yourself! With a few more details and one-liners this story is well on its way to being a heart-throb!

Wildflowers by Strigoi.

claim:

Wildflowers by Stigoi.

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Unfortunately, I only read the first three chapters because that's all I had time for so I didn't get to know what happened in the other two chapters. But oh wow. You captured the head cheerleader attitude so perfectly. It's a little bit of an attitude toward other people mixed with hard work (and a small amount of wanting to scare the other girls on the team). Her attitude towards things is really amazing. She seems like the kind of person to do something until she gets what she wants without going too far, if that makes any sense.

I find it funny the way Selina and the guy first ran into each other, and her attitude toward him when she found out that he was actually a teacher and not a student like she thought he was. I don't know why, but when she realized that he was her teacher, it just made me laugh. It's almost as if I could see her pouting in class as he was going over what he was talking about.

And then the fact that the two keep running into each other, and never in a good way, especially for Selina. I feel like, after reading the first three chapters, she is so sick of him. Maybe she totally wants to slap him in the face for interferring with her life so much in just one day? Probably. I'm 100% sure at this point. Do I hope she does? Of course I do.

But ohhh. I can tell something is going to go on with the two of them in the future. I mean, they are main characters after all. I guess we'll see!

Tear Out All Your Tenderness by ethereally

^^ Claimed.

ZackyEffingVengeance:

The first thing I'd like to point out is that you're not really allowed to have links within chapters. I'm not a story editor or anything, but I'd hate for you to get in trouble!

I love the vocabulary you use, especially when describing Logan. ...champagne blonde hair and alabaster skin... has got to be my favorite line so far; it just reads so smoothly. It's so easy to fall into a rut of using the same words over and over, especially during character descriptions. I'm certainly guilty of this. So I really liked the words you chose! And I love Logan's vocabulary, too. He speaks so eloquently.

Asleep or Dead by Elodin (oneshot)