Confessions

I am just so damn good at convincing myself that everybody hates me.

where we gonna go from here?

go on and try to tear me down.
I'm stronger.
me and my hero are never giving up because good always wins.
and it's about time the bitter cycle ends.

-

I've been looking at scriptures in the bible to help me deal with the accumulation of this all.
I've noticed the persistence of Jenovah's followers, Jesus' faith, and their willingness to fight even when they're abused and betrayed.
So... when does a fighter become a fool? How objective is the lens of God?
This is why I can't study the bible; I get so afraid of finding out my world's atmosphere is twisted and he is ashamed of me.
I want to examine the human, not the pagan and deist, and evaluate our psychological nature.
Who decides if your cause is just and strong, and if you're a hero, not a villain? Your morals? God?
No. You do. Only you do.

-

I love you and your boyfriend.
I hope you stay together, and even have a really amazing and romantic and happy life.
But I hope he never becomes your best friend.
I hope, never.

sometimes it's really unsettling how much tigger seems to understand.

So my plans fell through.

Today has been the shittiest fucking day.

One thing turned into another, then into another, until there was nothing left to be happy or hopeful about.

Fucking figures we would spend all that money on app fees and have it all turn out to be bullshit.

They should have told us upfront. I'm so fucking seething over that. If I had a fucking bat...
--
I just wanna...sleep all night.

Sure, you know, it's not like I busted my ass to get out of work early to come see you.
Thanks for ditching me.
Fucking douche bag

Gotta fix this. Gotta find a way around this.

It's my responsibility,

everything is my responsibility.

You gave yourself to her because you love her. She's yours and you're hers. Why didn't I see this coming?

I'm so sick and tired of going out. I love being in my house, in my room.

One more day of high school.
I can make it.

thank you gerard way

I'm kind of being a whore in the past month.
Not gonna lie to myself.

-

I feel bad that I'm starting this relationship up (sort of, it's undefined at the moment), when every time I talk to my ex, John, all these feelings for him come flooding back, and I also achingly miss the sex we had. Because we literally made love.
Which sounds cheesy, even to me, but so many moments together like that, were perfect. Like movie worthy. Ughghgh. Why.

Jaques Derrida, Michel Foucault and Judith Butler, why must your intelligence and at the same time extreme vagueness make my mind go to mush. This has been one of the quickest 20 page papers I have ever written, but it was the one that I spent two whole weeks planning out and now my brain is complete MUSH! I don't even think this headache over the paper will go away anytime soon

So you did somehow sneak your way into my day. Only a little bit, but still, better than nothing.

Also, jeez, I feel so old. Why.

I tried a drug that I told myself I'd never try, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. What's done is done and all I can say is that I honestly truly believe I will never try it again.

I regret doing what I did yesterday, as well. I wasn't in the right state of mind and I'm going to pray for forgiveness.

I'm done partying. I hope I can follow through with that statement. It's going to be hard because I have a lot of party friends, but I don't want to live my life that way. So yeah, I'm done. I just hope God gives me the strength to stay committed.

wanderlust:

I'm so sick and tired of going out. I love being in my house, in my room.

This, but at the same time, the loneliness is killing me.
-
I keep dreaming so much.
If things were different right now.
I imagine up an entire reality in my head before waking up to this one.
It hurts. I only wish my reality and reality itself were one and the same.

I'm just a kid. I shouldn't have to juggle being a full time college student, having two jobs, and still needing another. Not to mention the countless other responsibilities and things I have to juggle.

I'm only a kid. I can't wear this crown.

i know dad's not trying to make me feel guilty.
but i feel like shit. i feel like a failure.
all i want to do is curl up and not exist.

And now it's midnight and I still have a Spanish midterm to write. Fuck, someone just kill me already.

I'm going through fucking withdrawals because I haven't had antidepressants in four fucking days and my script's run out and i don't have anymore. At all.
I feel so fucking sick and sore and the world is spinning half the time.
And I had the worst fucking nightmare last night, it was so fucking terrifying and now i'm still fucking awake.

You must enjoy ripping my heart out every single time you get the chance. But I'm done.
You have no idea how much I mean it this time. I'm truly done with everything.
--
I'm thinking about not sitting my English exam. I feel sick even at the thought of it...
--
And I'm also thinking about deactivating Twitter and Facebook. I just feel it is for the best.
If I do decide to deactivate those, then I will not be posting here. I'll be invisible.
I never wanted to have to do this, but I'm pushed towards that edge.