Dark Shadows

size=160]

Corners. I had grown very fond of them. If you sat in the corner of the far end of my bedroom, I could see just under the door. That little sliver between the door and the floor that air could pass through. It was just big enough that I could see when the man who loved me walked in. The phrase, Love Hurts couldn’t be more true. I was always in pain when I was around him.

But he loved me, he said. He didn’t mean it, he said.

At first.

When I wasn’t trying to find something to eat or go to the bathroom - small things I had to do in private because he usually didn’t let me when he was home- I sat in the corner under the window. I could lean up and see when his car would pull up and know that I had just about an hour until he decided to come in and add another bruise to my collection. I could usually avoid it if I had his food ready and hot by the time he sat in that in the chair in front of the television.

Sometimes I was fast enough. Other times (most of the time) I wasn’t.

He used me for sex. Sex wasn’t for my pleasure, it was for his. I was there for his pleasure only. I had to keep myself a size 5, never to gain any weight or lose the right to eat for the next week or until I passed out and he yelled at me for being useless, kicking me until I got back up, pretending to be okay.

Everyone told me that I was okay now, that he wouldn’t hurt me anymore. That they were taking me from him. But he always found me. There was no way I could escape him. Jongdae had brought me to his house, telling me that I was okay now. I didn’t feel like I was okay now.

In Jongdae’s room, if I sat in the corner, I could see under the door, just like in his house. I could see feet under the door, and even though everyone said, “You’re okay now.” I still imagined him coming through the door angrily, stomping as he walked over to me angry that I wasn’t at the door to greet him, a plate of hot food on the table, waiting to be served.

The door opened and I jumped, pushing back against the corner in hopes that it would swallow me up. I put my forehead to my knees, afraid that I was going to get hit again. It was hard to get into that position, a position I was in so often, I would think that it would be the easiest thing I could ever do. Braces, casts, bandages hindered my movement. Almost every single part of me was covered. I peeked through my knees, looking at the shoes in front of me. They didn’t look like his, so I looked up to see who it was, prepared to duck back into the corner if I needed to.

Dinah stared at her hands, the argument had been going on for the past hour and nothing had changed. His voice still pitched in the same way when he was angry. At this point she was used to it, she didn't know how many times she had apologized - or how many negative pregnancy tests had made her cry herself to sleep without his arms wrapped around her. Dinah was so caught in in her own thoughts she didn't even hear him call her name, jumping when his hand touched her shoulder she looked up at the man she loved more than life itself.

"I'm sorry, we can try again sometimes it takes a while for people. Not everyone can have it so easy, Yixing please - can we stop arguing.. I have a headache," she murmured softly, and just like that it was seemingly over. Just like every other argument - it seemed like he never wanted to try anymore. Sex was a chore, being around her seemed to pain him to the point to where he could never even meet her eyes, and she feel their marriage slowly slipping between her fingers like grains of fine sand.

Dinah looked up to meet his eyes for the first time in a long while, how long had it been since she looked at them? She didn't know. She saw pain, and anger - betrayl lay within them and all she wanted to do was take him up into her arms and plead for his forgiveness for killing their children. Seven pregnancies - gone. All seven potential children - dead. She had never expected this kind of trials when she told him she wanted to have a baby - she almost wish she could take it back.

---

Jongdae knelt in front of her," Malia," he murmured softly as he stroked her cheek,"Come on why don't you come eat with me," he smiled,"A couple of my friends are here or I can ask them to leave so you're not intimidated," he told her gently. He was worried about her, she spent hours seated in the corner of his room. He had half the nerve to go beat her ex boyfriends ass for what he had done to his formerly charming and happy friend. She was no longer the same, the spark in her eyes were gone, and the girl he used to joke with all the time was no where in sight - and he couldn't help but blame himself for not noticing sooner.

How could he have let this happen to her?

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not a size 5. I'm not supposed to eat." I mumbled, burying my head back in my knees. The thought of being around others terrified me, I never got to be around his friends. He kept me locked up in that apartment, I never went out.

I used to like being around people. I used to smile more than I had a neutral expression. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy. Happiness was a privilege I didn't get to have. I shook my head as my forehead was pressed to my knees, the fabric of my pants rubbing uncomfortably against my forehead. I just wanted to sit here. Corners were the only place I really felt safe. I felt when I stepped out of them, he would appear.

I heard a peal of laughter from outside the room, it probably being his friends. It scared me, making me jump again. I was so easily scared.

---

Yixing ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. He didn't even want to look at her. He could see a photo from their wedding day, a time that had disappeared faster than a smile on a childs face when they're told that there's no more candy or cookies, or whatever children liked. He didn't even know anymore. He had been hoping for a child and they've never been lucky. Every child they almost had, wasn't meant to be. And it was breaking him down.

They didn't laugh anymore. They talked about sex like it was an appointment. They didn't even enjoy it. He had gotten to the point that he let his eyes fall out of focus, just staring past her into the pillow.

"Fine. We'll stop talking about it." He muttered, walking off into the kitchen to get a drink. Any place to give him some time.

"The doctor said I have to make you eat or you have to go to the hospital," he said to her softly, "Malia you're perfect, he was wrong and stupid - he should be killed for what he did to you please come eat," he begged softly as he looked at her his eyes pleading for her to try and reach out. He knew this could take times, the doctors even told him she might be hospitalized a couple times before she was even showing a slightly change in herself.

Jongdae reached his hand out for her,"You're underweight, please come eat with us I hate to see you sick," he murmured gently.

---

She sighed a little and closed her eyes then laid back on their bed, was it even their bed anymore? She didn't remember the last time they slept next to one another with sex being approved by the both of them. She didn't remember the last time she hadn't cried herself to sleep either, this wasn't healthy. Maybe they should talk with a doctor about their fertility - and maybe see if there was something wrong with her uterus. There had to be something, there was no way she was in good health and unable to carry. It just didn't make sense, there had to be something wrong with her - she'd figure it out.

Dinah's eyes watered a little as she saw their wedding photo hung on the wall over their dresser - the smiles that were stretched over their faces were perfect happy, something she hadn't been in a long while now. She choked on her sobs as she clenched her eyes shut, how was she not fit to be a mother? She'd read all the books, she'd taken all the classes - why were her babies taken from her so brutally. Ripped from her womb before their time was up, and she never even got to know them or learn their favorite foods.

She got off the bed then slowly made her way to the kitchen, "Yixing," she whispered softly as she walked up behind him, "I love you," she murmured,"So much, and I know I make you sick when you look at me and I'm so sorry I can't give you a baby. I'm so sorry," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his middle from behind.

"Do you still love me?" she asked him gently.

I shook my head a little, keeping my head down. "Food will make me fat." I mumbled, repeating his words to me. "Food will make me ugly. I can eat when I'm back to a size 5." I said, the words lifeless as they came out. "Go to your friends. They're wondering where you are." I said quietly, trailing my fingers along the wooden panels of his floor.

I had already spent a lot of time in the hospital. I didn't like it there. I was constantly poked and prodded with needles. They always wanted to put something new in my body or take something out. And there was always someone coming into the room. I didn't like it, I preferred to be alone.

"Where is he?" I asked suddenly, looking around. It was almost six, he would be home soon. I'd definitely get a beating for being at another guy's house. And I hadn't begun cooking, I would never make it in time. I shook, my eyes shifting around the room quickly. I was searching for the black boots he wore, waiting to see them show up under the sliver. I knew he was coming for me.

---

He sighed heavily, not immediately reacting to her touch. They were hardly ever intimate. They never held each other anymore, it was almost foreign. It hurt him that he immediately couldn't answer her question. Did he love her? He thought he did, but recent events put it in question. He used to love her, undeniably so. But that was 3 years, and 6 miscarriages, and one stillborn ago.

He turned to her, slowly wrapping his arms around her. "I love you." He said quietly, letting go to turn back to the counter. "We'll make it work."

She nodded a little,"Of course we will," she said softly as she looked at him then kissed the center of his back,"We're going to be okay, we can go to the doctor you know - I can make an appointment, then we can do marriage counseling," she offered, "Maybe we should go on a date like we used to," she said as she let go of him standing behind him unsure of what to do or say, she was beyond scared at that moment. To her he didn't sound so sure, she wanted his love back she wanted him envelope her into his arms and without a doubt tell her he loves her. But he hesitated. Her worst fear. He wasn't even sure, their married had started to die when they lost their daughter before she reached full term, when they'd found no heart beat she swore she felt as if she had died.

Dinah smiled weakly as she thought about when they'd heard her heart beat, her first kick they were so happy - then one day it all went wrong. She just felt sick that day, and she felt constantly scared so she called her doctor and told her that she hadn't been moving much so they said for her to come in. Her worst nightmare had become a reality, and she remembers the pain she felt when she had to push out her dead daughter.

---

"He is in jail Malia, he isn't getting out for a long time - he wont hurt you," he said to her lightly as he looked at her,"Please, eat for me? You love me right," he gave her smile the wiggled in his spot like a penguin as he waited for her to make her decision. He knew he'd have to patient, but he wanted her to be better - he'd never seen her like this before and it was scaring him. He knew something was up when he hadn't seen her in weeks, months it was a sign so he went to her apartment to find the place a wreck and her covered in bruises. So he called the guys, and the cops so he could move her out and he waited til the fucker got home before launching himself at him.

He'd never lost his temper like that before, he'd broke the mans jaw, and nose just with two swings of his fist - though he himself had a broken hand.

"No." I shook my head seriously. "No, I don't love you. He told me he loved me, and he hurt me. I don't want to hurt you. So I don't love you." I said quietly. I was hungry though, but I had become good at ignoring it so I could avoid a beating. But the thought of food was tempting.

I didn't believe he wasn't coming to hurt me. I had tried to leave several times and never was successful, he always found me. I had given up after a while, believing that this was how I would spend my life. "Promise me you won't tell him, I don't want to get in trouble for eating. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be ugly." I said nervously, looking at the space under the door again for his boots.

I was sure he was coming. He always did.

---

He sighed a little, his hands in fists as he rested them on the edge of the counter. Did he miss the way it was? Of course he did. But their life had become a cycle of sadness with too many ups and downs for comfort. He wanted to be a father, he wanted to be happy. He wanted her to be happy. But they had lost it, they lost the spark they had when they first met and dated.

His head fell and he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know what to say. He had considered suggesting they stop trying, but he knew those words would break him just as much as they would her.

"Yeah. We can do those things." He said quietly, finishing his glass of water and walking to the sink to clean it.

A small smiled worked it's way onto Dinah's face, she wanted to believe that he wanted these things too but she was happy he was trying. It meant things weren't over, he still cared about her enough to lie about how he felt. "Then I'll make some calls, we're going to have a baby Yixing I can feel it," she murmured lightly as she looked at his back, how she wished she could look into his eyes and see the same love he said he held for her. When they first got together things were perfect, everyone knew they'd be together forever but if they saw how they were falling apart now they'd be so disappointed.

Dinah walked out of the room and pulled out her laptop sitting herself down on the couch so she could do some research on counseling then make an appointment with their doctor so they could run some fertility tests. She was scared - what if was the problem, what if someone else had ot have their baby or they couldn't have kids at all.. What if he wanted someone who could have kids and left her? At twenty three these were never things she thought she'd have to worry about but here she was.

---

"I won't tell anyone, if you're hungry eat and we can work out together if you're concerned," he said to her lightly as he looked at her. "I won't hurt you Malia, you have to trust me - can you at least do that," he whispered as he stood up holding his hand out to her.

"Come on I made your favorite," he smiled as he looked down at her - he was more than worried for his best friend. She was not herself, and he couldn't believe how much she had changed.

I looked at him for a while. I vaguely remembered him. I remembered how we used to be and who he was clear as day. But how we used to be and times we laughed seemed to be a dream. Something I remember but didn't really happen. I didn't know who would hurt me and who wouldn't. This man had told me that we would be together forever, that he loved me, that we were getting married. He told me to trust him and I did. Now I was a ghost of who I once was and I was scared.

"Cant I stay in here?" I asked quietly, looking at the floor. I didn't want to leave the corner. I felt safest there. I didn't know what I would do outside of it. "Do I have to move?"

I shook my head slightly when he said he'd made my favorite. I didn't have a favorite anything. I preferred not being in pain over being in pain. I didn't remember what favorite anything I had.

---

He nodded a little as he meticulously cleaned the glass, focusing on drying it and setting it back in the cabinet. He didn't want to just do nothing, to go out there and sit with her would remind him of the emptiness around them. He didn't want that. Instead he decided to focus on dinner. Something that would take time and his complete focus.

He decided on Chinese stuffed dumpling soup, made entirely from scratch. This would take him close to two hours, two hours where he could focus on something else other than their misery and sadness.

Once she set up both appointments she slowly walked into the kitchen,"We have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and the counseling session at the end of the week when you get off work," she murmured lightly as she looked at him, watching him cook. She licked her lips as she remembered the first time he'd cooked for her, he'd made her favorite sweet and sour dish, and it had been the best night of her life. It was also the night of their first kiss, she blushed at the memory.

"Do you remember when you first cooked for me?" she asked him softly as she smiled at the happy memory.

---

He nodded,"Of course, you can stay here I'll eat in here with you," he said to her as he walked to the door, then shut it behind him happy he was going to get her to eat something. He felt as if she hadn't eaten in days and he knew that couldn't possibly be food for her, but how could ever explain that she was safe when she had been living in a constant state of fear for so long.

I shook my head a little. "No! Dont. I... don't want to bother you. I'm good at staying out of the way. Go eat with your friends. I'll stay in here." I said quickly, not wanting to burden him. He had brought me to his house with everything I owned. I didn't even know where my things were. I just remembered sitting in the corner when the door opened, shocked that he was home so early. I knew I didn't have anything prepared so I had kept my face hidden, peaking through the little hole between my knees to I could see how angry he was to see how many times I would get hit. But it was Jongdae who came instead, visibly angrier than I had ever seen him. I didn't understand why he was here, I wasn't allowed visitors, so I knew I didn't call him. But suddenly- I had no idea how much time had passed- I was being put into a car, my things being packed up around me and loaded into the back of Jongdae's pickup. He came later, his hand bruised up as he took me to the hospital. I didn't remember his hand being in pain when he first came, but I remember seeing him having to get a brace.

---

He looked at her quickly out of the corner of his eye, before returning to cooking. He focused on the steam coming from the pot, making sure each vegetable was cut the same size. "I remember. That was our second or third date?" He asked softly as he continued slicing each carrot, placing them in the pot to boil.

It seemed like such a long time ago, almost another life time. A gap filled with broken hearts and sadness, 3, almost 4 childless years.

She nodded a little,"Yeah, and its when we had our first kiss. "s he murmured softly, "Maybe.... we should focus on us," she murmured, "How do we know that having a baby is going to fix the problem between us," she asked softly, "I want kids with you I want a lot of kids but if we're not even able to be in the same room without looking at one another how are we going to be parents?" she asked him softly as she looked at him, pain evident in her eyes as she watched his reaction.

---

He came back with two plates and sat in front of her holding out a plate,"You're my best friend and favorite person, I'm not letting you eat alone," he smiled,"thats how we met remember I sat with you because you were sitting alone, and I refused to leave you alone til you let me sit with you," he said to her as he ate one of his french fries off his plate.

I stared at the plate of food on the floor, not sure if I should eat or not. I was dreading sleeping. At least I knew if he was in the same bed as me, I knew he would be there and I didn't have to worry about angering him. I probably wouldn't sleep at all tonight. If Jongdae would let me, I'd prefer to sleep in the corner. Or just sit there until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.

"Your friends are more important. How are you going to have people over and not even be with them? That's rude, Jongdae." I said quietly, staring at the plate of food. A bacon cheese burger and fries. I was never allowed to have greasy foods. I didn't even remember the last time I had a burger, or fries. "I can't. I don't want to get in trouble, I can't eat." I shook my head, tears filling my eyes. "I'll get in trouble, he'll come and hurt me, I don't want to get hurt." I cried, burying my face back in my knees.

---

He sighed a little as he stared at the food. It hurt. It broke his heart to look at her. The love of his life wasn't even that, they were almost like strangers they had drifted so far apart. He shook his head. "I don't know. How can we fix it?" He asked softly, turning up the heat and turning to look at her, which was apparently what she wanted. Eye contact.

@ musicalpanda
"Malia he is in prison, he will be for the next five years so we're going to bring the old you back," he said softly as he held a fry up, "Please eat, I don't want you to be sick," he said as his voice shook with emotion, "He isn't going to hurt you ever again, I won't let him. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, I failed you and I'm so so sorry," he said to her as tears filled his eyes, "Please eat." he begged her quietly as he looked at her.

---

She looked at him,"We don't know each other anymore, I love you but we never talk," she murmured softly, "I know it's all my fault she is gone but I wish you could look at me the same way you used to, It's all my fault," she whispered as she felt the tears coming, "I am so sorry I killed her I am so sorry," she whispered as she looked at him, "Please forgive me, lets start over and we can be happy again," she said to him letting it all out for the first time in months." Dinah had been holding in everything, after they'd lost their daughter at thirty two weeks she had went to therapy - she'd even almost been admitted into the hospital.

"Every day I see that nursey so put together and I want to kill myself because I killed her, It was ME. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give you what you want but I want to try, but you have to forgive me it's eating me alive," she begged him.

I stared at him, my friend. I didnt want him to cry, I wanted him happy. I didn't like seeing him upset. But I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't think he would be in prison, I knew he was coming for me. He always was. But I didn't want Jongdae sad. I opened my mouth slowly, taking a bite of the fry in his hand. If it made him happy I would eat, I just needed to make sure that I wasn't fat when he came back so I didn't get hurt again. I didn't want to get hurt, I wanted to be happy. Simple things had become my life goals. Like to smile, or be able to laugh. It hadn't happened in so long I didn't know if I ever could.

---

He sighed a little, turning away from the stove and wrapping his arms around her. "It isn't your fault. Don't blame yourself. We'll... just try again." He said with a sigh, rubbing her back.He was tired of trying, it always ended in heartbreak. He just wanted them to be the happy couple in the photos again, but he wasn't sure they ever would be again. He didn't know her anymore. They even slept in separate rooms sometimes.

She buried her face into his chest and held onto him, "I just want us to be happy again," she whispered as she as held onto him, it was the desparate kind of hold that she never thought she'd experience. "We can keep trying but... what if we can't...maybe we should just.. adopt," she murmured softly as she looked at him.

---

"I'm going to protect you, let me take care of you," he begged her softly as he looked at her his eyes pleading with her, he just hoped he was reaching her.

He sighed a little, looking off towards the food. While he wasn't against adoption, he wanted children of his own. "If it gets to that, maybe we should." He said quietly, stirring the soup.

---

I stared at him silently. "Am I in danger?" I asked curiously, wondering if I would need to pack up and go back to the other house. Everyone kept saying he was gone, but it couldn't be true. He made me who I was today, though he hurt me, I didn't know what I would do to go on without him there.

She looked at him then nodded,"Well, maybe we shouldn't plan sex, I know I'm not exactly.. appealing to you anymore I get it... but if you ever want to," she said as she rubbed her neck, "Maybe making the baby out of wanting sex rather than necessity would be better?"

---

"No , like I said I'm going to keep you safe," he said to her,"don't worry," he said to her holding up another fry for her to eat.

I nodded a little at his words, taking another bite and eating the fry, my stomach growling in anticipation for more. "Where are your friends?" I asked softly as I finished eating another fry.

---

He sighed a little, shaking his head. "It isn't that you aren't appealing. It's just hard. But we can stop scheduling it if you feel it will help." He said as he stirred the soup, turning the temperature down.