Right Here, Right Now

bucky barnes, eleanor durham

---

Silence. The room was filled with it and, for a few moments, Eleanor allowed it to stay that way. She'd dealt with cases similar to this, a soldier suffering from PTSD, though she knew that this one was different. Very different actually. Maybe a bit more severe. She wouldn't know for sure until she got him to talk to her. Him being Bucky Barnes. When Sam Wilson talked to her about him a couple of weeks back, she had honestly been a bit hesitant. He wasn't exactly the average soldier coming back from war, but she finally agreed, and here she was today. And, so far, he hadn't said a single word since she called him in twenty minutes ago. "You can talk to me, you know. That's what I'm here for." She said, her eyes lifting from her notebook to the man seated across from her.

---

Peter tried to keep himself busy. He tried to get on with his life. He continued working for the newspaper, and stayed out of the house as much as he possibly could. He was sure that Aunt May thought that he was avoiding her, but it was nothing personal. He just couldn't be home. If he sat at home, his mind would end up wandering, and if his mind ended up wandering, he'd end up thinking about her. He knew that busying himself and closing himself off from others probably wasn't such a good idea, but what else was he supposed to do? Everyone grieves in their own way, and this was how he was grieving. So, for him, life was all about a routine now. And part of that routine was stopping by the coffee shop down the street every morning. In his mind, sticking to the routine meant avoiding conflict and making connections. And that was really all he wanted right now.

Bucky, for the past twenty minutes, had been staring at his hands that had been folding on his lap. He had been talked into going to see Steve's friend's friend about his clearly obvious issues. He had another issue with being there, though. He didn't know where to start. He still didn't remember everything that had happened to him - everything that he'd done. How were you supposed to talk to someone about your time in the war, and then your time being used as a pawn in a war people didn't even know was going on for the past seventy years? Bucky cleared his throat and looked up to the woman, Eleanor she had said, when she spoke. "I don't know where to start," he said honestly. "I don't even... I hardly know who I am anymore. I don't remember everything. It's pieces."

---

Kate pushed the door open to the little coffee shop and walked in, just like she did nearly every morning before heading to work. Most days, the same general crowd of people were there - people from her building (the law firm), the building next (the newspaper), or the building across the street (the fashion industry). It varied which people were there, except the one boy from the news paper who never had a smile on his face. Kate was pretty sure he worked at the newspaper, but she wasn't sure why he always looked so sad. As she walked towards the counter, she looked in his direction, giving him a smile. She knew it really wasn't her job, but she didn't like seeing people look so sad, especially ones that she was willing to bet had a great smile.

Eleanor wasn't expecting to get much out of the first session. Hell, something told her that she wouldn't be getting much out of the first couple of sessions. She knew that every case, especially special ones like this, took time. And she was willing to put in her own time and effort to make this work. Of course, it didn't actually come down to how much time and effort she put in so much as it depended on cooperation from the patient. "Why don't you start with what you do remember? The rest should come with time." She told him, a kind smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She couldn't force him to talk about anything, none of this would be successful or helpful if she did; she could only make suggestions and, right now, that was precisely what she was doing, making a suggestion.

---

Peter had noticed rather quickly that he wasn't the only one working off of a routine. The same people seemed to come into the coffee shop at the same time each morning. And one of those people was the blonde who he was pretty sure worked in the law firm in the building next to the newspaper's. He wasn't positive on that though. He'd just seen her walking out of that building a couple of times, so he was assuming that she worked there. He'd never spoken to her before though, he didn't talk to very many people anymore, he just did what he had to do and that was this. Talking to people meant making connections and possibly, eventually, forming relationships. That was something that he didn't think that he could afford to do again. He was seated at one of the small tables inside the coffee shop when she walked in that day. That was usually what happened every morning, but this time there was something different: she'd smiled at him. He'd be lying if he said that it hadn't caught him off guard. It certainly had, and he really didn't know what to do. Any normal, polite person would have smiled back, and he did smile back, though he knew that it was the worst excuse for a smile anyone had probably ever saw. It was good enough for him though. He hardly ever smiled anymore.

"I... I remember leaving to go to war," Bucky started slowly. He remembered stuff before the war, mostly memories with Steve when Steve was tiny, but that wasn't stuff that caused him to stay up at night. "I remember when Steve came to save me. I remember falling off the train. I don't remember that much of fighting the actual war." He swallowed hard, looking back down at his hands. "I know I killed a lot of really important people. Stratigic stuff, for Hydra. I remember a lot of that." He paused, a frown moving across his features. "They'd reset my memory a lot though, so it's all in little bits and pieces."

---

Not the best excuse for a smile, but hey, it was the closest she'd seem him get since she'd first seen him. Kate ordered her drink and paid, then waited off to the side for the barista to make it. Once she had her coffee in her hand, she paused, looking at the door, then to the kid who never smiled. She gave herself a little shrug and walked over to him, standing on the opposite of the table. "Are you alright?" Kate asked, a sincere, worried smile on her face. "I know it's not really any of my business, but... You don't look like you're doing to good."

Eleanor was surprised that she was getting out of him what she was. At least he seemed willing to cooperate; that was definitely a good sign. She waited until he finished talking, listening carefully to what he was telling her and jotting down a few things here and there in her notebook, before she spoke. "Well, that's certainly a start." She said, gaze shifting from the notebook and back over to him. "You're not going to remember everything right away. It's a gradual process. Is there anything, a place or a person maybe, that's triggered any memories for you?"

---

The smile, albeit a weak one, felt completely foreign to Peter. He couldn't really remember the last time he'd actually smiled or shown any signs of being happy. He was pretty sure that there wasn't a single instance where it had actually happened because, well, he wasn't happy, and he wasn't about to pretend like he was. He was freaking miserable, and he was sure that he made that pretty damn obvious too. He watched the blonde for a couple of seconds before averting his gaze. She was leaving, probably to start her day off at the law firm like she always did. Needless to say, she caught him completely off guard when she stopped on the other side of the table and spoke to him. Her words caught him off guard too. Part of him wanted to tell her what was wrong, what had been eating away at him for quite some time now, but the other part of him, the rational part, stopped him from doing so. He couldn't vent to her. If he did, there was a chance that they'd end up becoming friends, and he couldn't afford to make connections or form relationship. Not after what had happened. "You're right, it really isn't any of your business at all." He said, knowing that he was being uncharacteristically rude. That was the point though. She'd leave him alone then.

"Just Steve," Bucky said. He hadn't really found anything else that got him remembering - beside the exhibit, but that was all Steve stuff, too. "He's been telling me stuff about when we fought together in the war, but I don't remember a lot of it. I just have to take what he's saying as real. He'll explain it and I want to remember so bad but it just doesn't happen." Bucky was honestly surprised he was talking to this girl who he had just met this much. She was there to help him, though. She knew what had went on in his life. If Steve and Sam trusted her, Bucky knew he should too.

---

Kate was kind of taken aback by the response she'd received. She wouldn't have guessed he was the kind of guy who spoke to people like that. She pursed her lips and looked down to her coffee for a couple seconds before speaking. "Sorry for asking, then," Kate said, giving her head a little shake. She turned without looking at him, taking a few steps towards the door. She paused, though, and turned to look at him again. "You should maybe try not to be an asshole to people who are just trying to help you, though. Might help with whatever's upsetting you." She gave him a shrug and headed back for the door, pushing it open and heading out onto the street.

Eleanor was honestly just glad that he was talking to her. It was more progress than she'd expected them to make in the first couple of sessions, let alone the very first one. Of course, every person was different, and some just opened up more easily than others. "You shouldn't beat yourself up over this." She told him. "I'm sure that Steve understands that you want to remember, and you're obviously trying to, but you can't expect something like this just to happen overnight. Like I said before, it's a gradual process. And you coming here to talk to me is a part of that process too. It's a step in the right direction."

---

Peter instantly regretted saying what he had the moment the words left his mouth. He knew that he sounded like a complete douchebag right now, and he knew that she was only being nice to him. She didn't deserve to be treated that way. There was a part of him that was telling himself that this was for the best, but the rest of him was saying that he needed to apologize. He watched her for a couple of seconds, opening his mouth to say something, but she was already walking out the door. He couldn't keep up this act that he was trying out. He wasn't an asshole, and he needed to explain himself. He needed to go after her. Letting out a sigh, he got to his feet and followed her out. "Hey! Wait up!" He called out, hoping that she'd stop.

"Hopefully it works," Bucky said plainly. He really did want to remember what happened to him, and everything he did. He didn't feel like a whole person, having so much black area in his mind. Bucky lifted his metal arm and scratched the back of his neck, letting his hand drop down to his lap. "So... what now?" He asked, not sure how these things worked. Did she have questions for him? Was he supposed to just ramble on about what he did and didn't remember?

---

Kate hadn't expected the guy, right after being pretty damn rude, to be trying to get her to stop. She wasn't too far away from the front of the coffee shop, so she slowed her walk and stopped, turning around to look up at the guy once he reached her. "What can I do for you?" she asked, raising her eyebrows and putting her free hand on her hip. She tried to keep her face looking indifferent. She didn't want him to be about to apologize and for her to look too mad for him to do it. Or look too happy, and for him to just be there to yell at her or something.

"You'd never know if you didn't try." Eleanor pointed out. Him being here was half the battle. He was making the effort, and she was sure that it would pay off in the long run. She hoped that it would anyway, though she was sure that him coming to talk to her would at least help somewhat. "Steve told me you've been having trouble sleeping." She hadn't wanted to bring up the nightmares right away, but he seemed like he was willing to talk to her, so she figured it was worth a shot. If he didn't want to talk about it, he'd probably make it pretty clear.

---

Peter wished that he could have just let her walk off like she had, but he had too much of a conscience to do that. He needed to apologize and explain himself. He wasn't normally a jerk and, even though he didn't even know this girl, he had to make sure that she knew that. "I'm sorry." He said. "I'm really not normally that much of an asshole. You were just trying to be nice, and I shouldn't have said what I did. It was rude of me." He stopped himself before he rambled on and said too much. He didn't want to do that either.

Bucky nodded slowly. It wasn't just that he was having trouble sleeping, he was having pretty bad nightmares. About what they'd done to him, about what he'd done to other people. All that kinda shit. "Yeah, he wasn't lying. I'm lucky if I get two solid hours in a night." He'd reached the point where he was avoiding sleep because of the things that he'd end up seeing when he closed his eyes. It was awful. He didn't want to relive the stuff he was trying to remember, and sometimes when he woke up in a cold sweat, he wondered if it was better to forget instead.

---

Kate let a small smile move across her lips, and she nodded her head once. "Apology accepted. I'm Kate." She stuck out her free hand for him to shake. Might as well exchange names, right? Even if she never spoke to him again besides a hello and a have a nice day when they crossed paths in the coffee place, it'd be nice to be able to say 'Morning, John' or 'Have fun at work, Paul'.

Eleanor nodded. "And how long has this been occurring?" She asked curiously. Something told her that he wasn't even getting two hours of sleep a night. Getting a good look at him, she could see just how tired and worn out he appeared to be. That wasn't healthy at all. She was glad that he appeared willing to cooperate her. If he wasn't, it would be much more difficult for her to help him. While it was easier said than done, if their sessions continued on like this one, she was sure that there would be some noticeable progress in the future.

---

Peter was pretty relieved when she accepted his apology. Though this all sort of went against his game plan, or whatever it was that one might call it, he was glad that he'd gone out of the cafe after her. He just couldn't let her think that he was that much of a jerk. He needed to apologize and give an explanation, albeit more than likely a small one, but an explanation nonetheless. He smiled slightly, though it was as pathetic of an excuse for a smile as the one he'd given her in the coffee shop, shaking her hand. "Peter."

[I never got a notification for this wow sorry ]

"Uh... A while, honestly," Bucky replied. "Since I saved Steve from the water after the Helicarrier went down. So... Yeah." It didn't happen every night when his nightmares started to happen. It got more and more frequent as time went by, more and more frequent as he started to remember more about his life. "It's been really bad for the past two, three weeks, though. It only happened once every other week for a couple months." He was probably started to get sleep deprived. He probably looked like living death most of the time. Kind of fitting.

---

"Nice to meet you, Peter," Kate said with her smile still on her face. "Do you want to go back inside and sit down? I know you don't go this early to work." She gave a nod back towards the coffee shop, before realizing she sounded kind of creepy. "I'm just in there every day. I know who stays and who leaves and stuff. It's not you specific. It's everyone else whos a regular too."

[I never got a notification for this wow sorry ]

"Uh... A while, honestly," Bucky replied. "Since I saved Steve from the water after the Helicarrier went down. So... Yeah." It didn't happen every night when his nightmares started to happen. It got more and more frequent as time went by, more and more frequent as he started to remember more about his life. "It's been really bad for the past two, three weeks, though. It only happened once every other week for a couple months." He was probably started to get sleep deprived. He probably looked like living death most of the time. Kind of fitting.

---

"Nice to meet you, Peter," Kate said with her smile still on her face. "Do you want to go back inside and sit down? I know you don't go this early to work." She gave a nod back towards the coffee shop, before realizing she sounded kind of creepy. "I'm just in there every day. I know who stays and who leaves and stuff. It's not you specific. It's everyone else whos a regular too."

[No worries, hun ]

"How bad is really bad?" Eleanor asked curiously. She hadn't been at all surprised when Steve told her that Bucky had been having trouble sleeping, it was a common occurrence amongst PTSD patients. "What usually happens, if you don't mind me asking." She didn't want him to feel obligated to answer all of her questions. If he didn't feel comfortable telling her, she'd understand. This was only their first session and they were still practically strangers. She was hoping that, if they did talk about the nightmares, it might help. There was no telling if that would actually be the case though.

---

"Likewise, Kate." Peter smiled slightly, though he was sure that the smile appeared at least somewhat forced or fake. He just wasn't used to smiling anymore. Happiness was pretty much foreign to him now. Some might say that if he just put himself out there, things would get better, but he didn't really want to do that. He didn't want to put himself out there. He didn't want to move on and enjoy his life because, well, it just wasn't the same anymore. And it never would be. "Uh, yeah. Sure." He figured that, after pissing her off once today, he should at least be polite and accept her offer. She'd heard him out, and let him explain himself, so it was only fair. "No, I get it. I notice you there a lot too. It's a small place. It's kind of hard not to notice familiar faces." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Bad enough that I don't really like sleeping anymore," Bucky stated. He ran a hand through his hair before pulling it into a small bun at the back of his head, wanting it out of his face. "Normally they start off with me killing someone, then I have to go find another target but the target's Steve or my mom or someone I love. Then I have to kill them. Then I get put back into that fucking chair and they wipe my mind again because I'm showing emotion and I'm not supposed to do that. Then I wake up sweaty and disgusting and my heart's pounding and I don't want to go back to sleep... So I don't." It was near nightly that this happened. Bucky was lucky if he had a restless sleep where he couldn't dream.

---

Kate nodded and put her free hand into her pocket and started to walk the short distance back to the coffee place. She pulled her hand out of her pocket to open the door and headed towards the table that Peter had just been sitting at. "So, you work at the newspaper, right?" She pulled out of the chairs and sat down, putting her drink on the table, her purse on the ground next to her, and her jacket over the back of the chair.

Eleanor frowned. Though she kind of expected a response like that, it was quite obvious that he'd been getting very little, if any, sleep at all as of late, it wasn't necessarily one that she wanted to hear. "And it's been this bad for two or three weeks now?" She asked, wanting to make sure that she had it right. It would explain why he seemed to be as exhausted and worn out as he did. "On average, how many hours of sleep do you think you're getting a week?

---

Peter started back down the sidewalk towards the coffee shop. This was honestly kind of what he'd been hoping to avoid, but he wasn't going to be rude to her or anything like that. After she'd reacted the way she had earlier, he didn't think he could be rude to her, not when she was simply trying to be nice to him. He cared too much to do be that much of an asshole. He nodded, taking a seat across from her. "Yeah, I do. And you work for the law firm next-door, don't you?" He assumed that that was where she worked, he saw her go into that building daily.

"Not as many as I'm supposed to be getting," Bucky replied. "Probably ten or eleven? And yeah, for the last two, three weeks. So thirty hours of sleep in the past 500 possible hours? Not too great, eh?" Bucky let out a humourless laugh, shrugging his shoulders. He had a couple of naps, where he couldn't stay awake any longer and he dozed off, but he knew that probably only added another two or three hours. And really, what was the difference between thirty hours out of one hundred and thirty two out of one hundred?

---

"Yeah, I'm a secretary for one of the lawyers there," Kate replied. Her job wasn't really that great, but it paid the bills better than a minimum wage job at a coffee place would. She got pretty decent money, especially for a secretary who had only been working there for a year and a half. "What do you do in the newspaper?" She was pretty sure he was a photographer, she'd seen him with a camera bag a few times.

Eleanor frowned. Things were just as bad as she'd expected them to be. "I know of a few treatment methods that might help." She told him. She knew of several different studies that had been conducted involving non-pharmacological treatments. She'd tested some of them out on previous patients, and many had been effective, though it all depended on the patient's willingness to cooperate. Something told her that Bucky wouldn't be telling her what he'd already told her if he wasn't willing to cooperate, so she was hoping that he'd be openminded and willing to give at least one of the methods a try.

---

Peter nodded. "How long have you been working there?" He asked curiously, taking a sip of his coffee. He knew that she'd been working there long enough for him to notice her at the coffee shop almost every morning, though he figured that this would at least help keep the conversation going. "I'm a photographer." He told her. It was what he liked to do and, although a lot had changed as of late, he was glad that he still had his job to look forward to.

"What do those methods entail, exactly?" Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow. Electroshock therapy was out, but he was pretty sure they stopped doing that shit a long time ago, from what he'd read. He wasn't going to get a lobotomy or anything like that either. But again, he was pretty sure they stopped doing that kinda stuff. He hoped he wasn't going to get hypnotized. He didn't want to be not in control of himself again. He'd spent too long being controlled by Hydra.

---

"Year and a half. It's... kinda boring. I still like it, though," Kate replied, giving a little shrug. It wasn't awful, and she was doing okay with the bank, so it was all good to her. "Are you one of the ones who always got pictures of Spider-man? I mean, not recently. He's not around anymore. I mean, you'd know that. Everyone knows that." She, personally, didn't think Spider-man was as bad as he was made out to be. He was doing the city a service. "I wonder where he went."