Too Far Gone

Beth spent her time singing softly and painting her nails with careful precision. It was nice to coat the discoloration that came from the hardships of just trying to live, and even though it was a small thing to do, it was enough to make her feel slightly cleaner. There was nothing wrong in caring for her appearance, not when the group had strong walls surrounding them and they weren't scraping by for survival. It felt good just to take a few moments out and care about herself for once.

Once she was done painting her nails, she laid back on her bed and examined them in the dim light of the cell. The trick now was to avoid smudging the paint. She didn't want to have to go through the process of taking it all off and reapplying it. Not when there was only one bottle, and not when it was a gesture from Rick that meant so much to her.

The thought of Rick caused her stomach to twist, her voice slowly fading into silence. It was becoming increasingly obvious that her mind kept wandering back to Rick. She looked at her nails. It was entirely possible that Rick bringing her the nail polish back meant nothing; that it was just a silly joke following on their previous conversation... But he remembered. And that meant something to her, as trivial or major as it was.

It took Rick a moment to realise the sound of Beth's singing had stopped, quiet as it was, and he hauled himself to his feet with a sigh. His shirts sorted, most to be washed, one to be burnt, he asked Karen to keep an eye on Judith as he did a few last jobs for the day.

He kept his eyes down as he passed Beth's cell. Not that he tended to peer into the cell rooms as he walked past them, they were each person's space and deserved as much privacy as bars and blankets could provide. But he didn't quite trust himself, he had to actively will himself not to look away from his destination. He didn't know what he thought he might see. It was just Beth but... well, it seemed just Beth was doing an awful lot of things to him he wasn't sure he liked.

Outside the prison, he threw himself into work, taking up clearing the fence along with the last shift for the day. He was normally tired after supply runs, even after all this time the adrenaline still kicked up. But he still felt on edge, full of tension, and he tried to channel that into every head he speared through the chain link defenses.

Having spent a few moments staring at her nails, Beth gently and quickly grazed her thumb over the nail of her ring finger. Once she realised it was dry, a soft smile came to her face. Things like nail polish probably would have gone unappreciated in her old life, but now it felt like something entirely different. Maybe it was the situation she was in, or maybe it was who gave it to her, but it didn't matter to her. It felt good.

She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of footsteps approaching her cell, causing her to look over to the door. She only just caught a glimpse of Rick walking past. It caught her off guard, how quickly he seemed to pass by. Her initial thought was concern that something was going on, or their security has been breached. She waited a few moments, listening carefully for anyone else rushing through the prison or shouting for reinforcement. When nothing happened, she settled back down on her bed.

It felt slightly odd to her, to have so much free time. She lay on her bed, staring at the 'Work Place Accident' sign she'd used to decorate her room.

Rick spent several days trying to skirt round Beth, but at the same time, spend as much time with her as he could without seeming odd. He felt almost guilty, indulging himself in her presence, but in the prison she seemed like a glimmer of light amongst the stone and the bars.

She was looking after Judith once more whilst Rick, Daryl and Tyreese went on another supply run, further out this time. He hadn't wanted to ask Beth to spend another night with Judith, she did enough already, but this run meant they'd be out a couple of days, and Beth had just brushed away his concerns with her smile and her mantra about how everyone had a job to do.

They were on their way back now, as the second evening quickly approached. The store that had been the aim of their journey had been full of the walkers, and Rick's knuckles were bruised from where he'd had to hold one off with his fists before Daryl got a chance to shoot it. Regardless, the amount of medication they'd found had been more than worth it.

What had once been a stationary store had been opposite, and Rick had ignored Daryl's inquiring grunt, leaving the two to pack the car with what they'd found. Door unlocked, and no sound of walkers, Rick was quick to pull a soft, embossed leather journal from the shelf and tuck it into his jacket. No one mentioned it when he returned to the car.

The gates came into view, a welcome sight of near guaranteed security after a night in an abandoned house. Carl opened the gates, and Rick got out the car before it could cross the courtyard to catch up with his son. Together they walked up to the prison building, Rick nodding along to Carl's report.

Long runs always caused anxiety for Beth. They'd lost so many people along the way, and she was always terrified that one day people just weren't going to come back. It had already happened once, with Maggie and Glenn. She'd spent that first night trying to stop herself from crying, scared out of her mind and wondering if they were going to come back at all. It was a reminder that sometimes walkers weren't the largest threat outside of the prison. Now Rick was out on a long run, and she was left trying not to overthink what he was doing, or where he was.

She busied herself with taking care of Judith, but even that was slightly harder on longer runs. It was only an extra night, but Judith clearly missed her father. Beth spent some time comforting her and singing her down from an upset episode. Sometimes she wondered who she was actually calming down; herself, or Judith.

There was no hassle for her over the two days, and she genuinely didn't mind taking care of Judith. Maggie helped their father whilst she was busy with Judith, and it reminded her just how great a support system they had. There had been an awkward conversation between them on the second day. Maggie had noticed Beth seemed quieter than she usually was, and asked her if taking care of Judith was too much. Beth couldn't tell her why she was so pensive. She simply smiled and shook her head. Everything but her own anxiety was fine. It wasn't the first time she'd taken care of Judith for a long period of time.

She spent her nights in Rick's cell, figuring that a sense of familiarity would make it easier for Judith to settle down. It felt weird, not sleeping in her own cell, but it made things slightly easier.

As evening approached, she started to get Judith ready for bed, trying to get the anticipation of the groups return off her mind.

Reassured that everything had gone smoothly, Rick made his through his prison block. It wasn't that he didn't trust everyone to be able to run things smoothly without him there, a lot of them were more than capable, he just worried.

The journal weighed heavy in his jacket as he sought out Beth and Judith. Beth's cell was empty when he passed it, and he faltered for a moment. Perhaps he could just lay the journal on her bed for her to find and- no, he wanted to see her face when he gave it to her. See how she reacted, maybe it would help settle his mind.

He continued on until he got to his own cell, and the sight of Beth taking care of Judith in his space hit him more than he thought it could. He'd seen her with Judith often enough, knew how kind and gentle she could be with the infant. But perched on the edge of his bunk, changing his daughter. An overwhelming sense of domesticity and the want for it.

Rick cleared his throat before he could be caught staring, using the motion to both indicate his presence and rid his throat of identifying dryness when he came to speak.

"I'm back," he said. Pointlessly, ridiculous. He fumbled in his jacket, removing the journal and abandoning the garment on the end of his bed. "I found this, if you want it. For your writing."

He held the journal out, hoping Beth wouldn't mind the dust and small stains marring the cover.

Getting Judith ready for bed was the last thing on Beth's 'To-Do' list for the day. She'd spent the rest of her time entertaining Judith whilst washing some clothes and bed sheets for Rick. The first thing she would want after being out on a run was a shower and clean clothes. It was just a nice thing to do for him; a small repayment for the nail polish she still wore. He deserved something nice to come back to. His bunk was made, and the clothes laid neatly on a chair with a fresh towel.

It had been a hard work day for her, and she was just as ready to go to bed as Judith. It didn't show, though. Anyone who saw her throughout the day still got to see the soft-spoken, optimistic girl that she was. She didn't mind doing the chores, considering no one had actually asked her to do them.

She didn't hear Rick approaching the cell, smiling and encouraging the noises Judith made as she got her ready for bed. When she heard Rick clear his throat, she half expected it to be someone else; Glenn or her father, perhaps. The sight of him stood in the entrance of the cell brought a brighter smile to her face.

Beth pushed herself up off the bunk, cradling Judith on her hip as she stood up. She was about to welcome Rick back when he held out the journal, something that stunned her into silence.

"Rick..." She spoke softly, trying to find the words to thank him for the journal.

She reached out to take it from him before noticing the bruises forming on his knuckles. Her eyebrows furrowed for a moment. There had clearly been some sort of fight, and she immediately worried they had encountered another group on the run.

Her fingers gently brushed against the back of his injured hand, "What happened?"

"Nothin' too exciting," Rick replied, watching Beths fingers brush against his hand, marvelling at the fair softness of her skin in comparison to his own rough tanned hand.

"Dropped my knife, had to fend off a walker with my fists whilst Daryl got into position," he shrugged, flexing his hand under Beth's touch. "Had my hands full of medication, fumbled. Nothing worse than that."

He dropped his hand away after a moment longer, feeling as if he may stain Beth's skin.

"Was Judith good?" He asked.

Beth was about to slid her hand along to rest her palm against the back of Rick's when he pulled his hand away. The bruises may have been nothing to Rick, but there was genuine concern etched across Beth's face. There was nothing comforting in thinking about Rick having to fight off a walker, even if he did survive it. She didn't want to think about him being in that situation. She didn't want to think about him being in danger... She didn't want to think about losing him.

It scared her and shook her to the core.

"Yeah," She breathed out after a minute, trying to collect her thoughts. "Yeah, she was fine..."

Maybe she was getting worked up over nothing. Rick was stood in front of her, he had survived. There was no need for her to worry anymore.

"Do you want me to take a look at your hand?"

The concern across Beth's face caused Rick to pause before an automatic refusal fell from his lips. He was used to such injuries, he could just as easily do it himself, or get Carl to look at it. But then Beth's eyes were so wide and earnest...

"If you got a minute?" he said eventually. "Don't feel you have to, you've seen a lot of this cell and Judith lately, I'd understand if you want some time to yourself."

It would be nice, after all. Snatching a few minutes of time with Beth, mostly alone save the muted noises from outside the cells. Just a few minutes to soak up some of her light and soft touch. Beth was peaceful in a way that Lori had never been, quiet where Lori had been loud. Yet she commanded more of a presence than his late wife ever had, quietly thoughtful rather than demanding rights to things she had none to.

He shouldn't. He knew he shouldn't. Shouldn't indulge his thoughts further than they'd gone already. But then, he always was a glutton for punishment.

"I don't mind," She replied softly, "Just let me..."

Beth trailed off as she took a step away from Rick, only briefly to lay Judith down in her crib so she was free to look at his hand. She'd learnt a lot from her father over the last two years, and bruises weren't serious. What would be serious would be a broken bone or exposed cuts. It was easy for a lot of things to go wrong nowadays.

She came back to him after settling Judith, her hands gently taking his injured one. With his palm resting on top of hers, Beth could feel just how tough and calloused his skin had become. He had the hands of someone who had worked hard to survive, and it reminded her just how lucky she'd been to be so sheltered within the group. She never had to fight, she never came back to the prison with bruised knuckles.

It didn't look like he'd done anything serious to himself, and Beth was probably just overreacting to some simple bruising. She just couldn't stand the thought of him being hurt.

"You might wanna bandage it," She suggested softly, noticing a cut just below one of his knuckles. "Just to stop the cut getting dirty..."

Beth's skin was soft and fair where his was ruddy and calloused. Her hands were small against his, fingers slender, and he noticed with a jolt that her nails were painted in the light pink he'd got her. She'd not said anything, so he hadn't been sure. Although then again, neither had he. The colour bought a smile to his lips as the fingers moved across his forming bruise.

Rick was so engrossed in watching their hands together that he almost missed Beth's talking. He pulled himself back into awareness in time to catch the last of her sentence, and it took him a moment to realise she was talking about bandages.

"I will," Rick started, but his voice came out rough. He swallowed and started again. "I will, I'm sure there's somethin' in the medical kit."

His eyes flickered between Beth's face and their hands. He turned his over in hers, gently linking their fingers together. His thumb ran across her knuckles before he let go.

"Thank you," he said, looking back into those blue eyes. "For Judith, and this..."

It'd been a long time since Beth had experienced any affection from someone who wasn't a part of her family. She'd had Jimmy back at the farm, but nothing about their relationship was serious. They happened to be seeing each other when things headed south. Nothing about their relationship made her heart stop like Rick's fingers slowly linking with hers.

Her heart seemed to come to a standstill in her chest and swell to the point of bursting all at the same time, and she swore she forgot how to breathe when Rick looked her in the eye.

It was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time.

As his fingers slipped away from hers Beth almost found herself whispering, 'Don't'

"You... You don't need to thank me," She spoke softly, stumbling around her words slightly. "I just don't want to see you hurt..."

"I don't want to take you for granted," Rick said, shaking his head at her words. "You do a lot round here, and it helps. It really does. It's a constant and it's just... it's nice. Comforting even, I guess."

He ran a hand through his hair uncomfortably, the movement reminding him of his damaged knuckles.

"I need to," he indicated his bruised knuckles. "Do you mind watching Judi, for just a little longer?"

Rick was already backing out the cell, the small room suddenly seeming stifling despite the open doorway. He barely waited for a reply before he strode off, shaking his head to try and settle his thoughts. A bandage, that's what he needed. He'd get a bandage, clean up a bit, then go spend some time with his daughter. Or maybe even just an early night. Anything to take away the thought of Beth's hands on his.

Beth was almost relieved when Rick left the cell. She still felt like she was struggling to breathe, some sort of tension in the room suffocating her. With Rick gone, all she could do was let out some laboured breathes, a hand coming up to rest on her forehead. She was flushed, warm to the touch.

Relief was mixed with longing. She didn't know what she wanted from him in that moment, but she didn't want him to leave.

She lowered her hand from her forehead, eyes following as she looked at her own limb in confusion. Her fingers curled slightly to gently touch her palm. Rick's hand had felt so warm and rough in her own, and she missed the feeling of his fingers between hers.

Whatever feelings she had for Rick were slowly beginning to crush her, and she was starting to realise she was in far deeper than she ever imagined.

She was probably just a girl to him, someone who didn't understand the complexity of the life they were now living... And he was grieving. He'd lost his wife. She'd never be enough for him. Doubts always lured in her mind about how long she was going to survive. Rick didn't need to worry about her.

The small wound on his hand had scabbed over, so Rick no longer had to concern himself with bandages when he dug his hands into the earth and tended to the animals. He was currently hoeing the soil on the vegetable plot, perhaps a little more forcefully than needed as he worked his frustrations out into the ground.

Guilt felt like it was creeping up his throat, threatening to smother him. His dreams were beginning to feature Beth's pale face and soft hands, dreams which would sometimes lead to Rick waking feeling like a teen again. Sometimes the dreams would take a turn for the worse, Beth warping into Lori or Lori warping into Beth, the critical looks from his deceased wife and looks of disgust from his son.

He straightened, wiping the sweat from his brow and looking out across the prison grounds, the expanse of grass that stood between himself and the walkers at the fence. There were more and more each day, something that would have to be discussed. Some looked different too, Rick noticed with a frown. Newer, less rot, less bite marks. Their eyes were bloody. Perhaps there was a new group near by, the new life was turning people to desperate things, desperate measure. Turning people insane.

He made a mental note to tell Hershel about it, or Daryl, maybe he'd seen similar things on the trip out, and turned to make his way back inside.

Contact with Rick seemed to be stripped back over the next couple of days. They shared awkward, embarrassed smiles when sorting out who was caring for Judith. Conversations were brief, especially on Rick's behalf. She wanted to stay near him, to talk to him, and to take his hand in hers again. There was never an opportunity. It felt like Rick wasn't going to let an opportunity bloom. Beth wondered if she'd done something wrong; if she'd pushed him away or made him uncomfortable.

It crowded her mind and made her feel like she was incapable of thinking. She seemed to count the footsteps that approached her cell, holding her breath as she waited to see who passed by. It was never Rick. She would offer a curt smile and pretend she was busy, just in case. Just in case Rick stopped by.

It all became too much one day when she was taking care of Judith. She was zoning out, forgetting little basic things, and everything was slowly building up inside her. She felt like she was going to break at any given moment. Maggie agreed to take Judith, just to give her sister a break for a while.

She headed to her cell to grab a towel, her box of baking soda, and made a b-line for the showers. It would be just her luck that Rick might stop her on her way to the shower block. Once she was there, she headed for the furthest working shower away from the door. This was the place that always reminded her it was a prison. The brick half-walls that offered little privacy and the makeshift coverings over the entrance to each stall. It was enough to cover her modesty, but it was still slightly uncomfortable if anyone came in.

Tucked away in the stall, she removed her clothes and hung them up over the side of the cut-off wall alongside her towel. A few routine pumps and the shower was soon running. She took her hair out of the ponytail she wore it in and stood under the cool water.

When Rick entered the cell block, Judith's babbling caught his attention. But the flash of blonde hair didn't catch his eye when he scanned the room.

Maggie was holding his daughter, and there was no sign of Beth. He approached the two, guilt twisting in his gut as he accepted Judith from the young woman, distractedly returning her smile as she left. With all the work going on lately, he'd probably asked Beth to watch Judith more than she'd liked. She was a teen girl, and even in the apocalypse what teen girl wanted to spend all their time looking after a child that wasn't even theirs?

He bounced Judith on his hip, remembering his intentions to talk to Hershel. But as he turned, all thoughts of the man flew from his mind as Beth came into view.

She'd just been showering, that was all.

Her hair was wet, and aout of her usual ponytail, lying round her shoulders. Rick hadn't realised it had gotten so long, he so rarely saw the girl with her hair down. Beads of water clung to her hair, occasionally dripping and marking her vest with dark drops of water.

One fell from the shorter locks of Beth's hair, surrounding her face. His eyes automatically followed. The drop hit her collarbone, sliding further down her pale chest. It was only when it hit the curve of her breast that Rick realised what he was doing, snappying his gaze back up to her face.

"Beth," her name came unbidden from his mouth, voice bordering on hoarse, and he had nothing to follow it up with.

It had been so hot recently, Beth didn't mind leaving her hair down after showering. It dried faster and kept her cool, and it wasn't as if she had a hair dryer or even electricity to power it. She'd hung her towel back up in her cell before heading out to find Maggie again. She'd taken her time in the shower, trying to relax and sort out her head. When she spent all her time at the prison, it was hard to think of anything than what was going on within it.

She'd spent most her time stood under the limited water wondering what she was going to do, how she was going to move past her own feelings in order to help out at the prison. She hadn't found a solution.

Walking back out into the communal area, Beth swept some of her long hair over one shoulder. It needed cutting, even just a little bit. Something that wasn't a priority. She was caught off guard by the sight of Rick stood holding Judith. She came to a stop and immediately, she felt guilty. Had she really been in the shower that long that Maggie had had to leave? She felt elated; it was the first time Rick accept her presence. Then guilt flooded her further.

Her name creeping out from between his lips brought goosebumps to her skin. It was nothing, she told herself. He was just greeting her. Her silly young mind was just holding onto something and letting it grow into something it clearly wasn't.

"I, uh-" Rick fumbled for something to say, adjusting his grip on Judith.

Shouts came from outside, along with scattered gunfire. And for the briefest of moments Rick was glad for the distraction until he remembered what it could mean.

"Take Judith," he urged, bundling the infant into Beth's arms. "Go to a cell up the stairs, do not come out until someone comes and gets you, alright?"

He barely waited for a response before he ran from the cell block, loosening his gun in its holster and unsheathing his knife as he went. Walkers were pouring through a fallen piece of chain link fence and his people were making a hasty retreat as the build up swarmed hungrily.

"Get a bus," he shouted to whoever was listening. "Get a bus go through the gate. Block the hole so more don't get in."

Out the corner of his eye he could see Tyres sprinting to do just that, as Carl headed toward the gate mechanisms. Rick himself ran towards the mass of undead making their way along the gap between the fences. Those who'd been clearing the fences hadn't made it out yet, unused to dealing with walkers with no fence between then they were fumbling.